INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 BLUES GUITAR MUSIC My name's Cpl Tyson Murray. I'm a High Risk Search Team commander deployed on operations in Afghanistan in 2010 and 2012. My job involved leading a search team of four or five, uh, engineer searchers. We stepped off early in the morning before the sun was up, arrived in the area just on sunup. Um, the lads commenced a route search, as they normally would. They would patrol the route ahead of the infantry in search for any explosive ordnance, whether that be landmines, anti-vehicle mines or improvised explosive devices. We train for years for this job. A lot of the boys, before they're deployed, have spent two, three, four years in training for this role. When it comes to deployment, it's everything. It's the adrenalin, camaraderie, teamwork. It's the pinnacle of being an engineer. It's being out there on the ground for real with bullets going over your head and bombs under your feet. It's just nothing compares to the adrenalin and the thrill of it. It's epic. Who lives in these compounds here? Is that this bloke or him? 7th June 2010, we were returning back to our patrol base. A couple of members of my search team identified an item that they deemed to be suspect. Uh, the patrol was, uh, called to halt. I turned around, and the boys were in the process of informing me of what they found. The device detonated,... EXPLOSION ...killing both of the boys almost instantly. It's one of those moments that, uh, I've replayed in my head a thousand times. Am I responsible for what happened? Or had I done something differently, would the boys still be alive? The place I'm at the moment I don't think I'll ever stop questioning the day and what happened and` and what I've done. It's just... just how it is. INTENSE MUSIC By the end of the deployment, I was beginning to struggle with PTSD, not that I knew what post-traumatic stress disorder was then. It wasn't until I got back to Australia that it really started to hit me. ROTORS WHIRR GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS ECHO When you come back to Australia, this roller coaster that you've been on for nine months, it just stops, and it almost crashes. GUNFIRE CONTINUES I was just drinking a bit, and my behaviour was a little bit irrational. And then it just developed deeper and deeper, uh, and over time it eventually encompassed my life, but I still didn't really understand what was going on. I thought, 'Is this just the way I'm reacting, or is this just me?' and I questioned myself a lot because I knew so little about PTSD. I thought, 'Well, why don't other people react like this?' When he came back, he was less patient ` very very much less patient. He wasn't the easy-going, happy-go-lucky. He was struggling. Tyson would try and hide it because he thought, well, if I don't know, then it won't hurt me, and he didn't want me to worry, so he figured the less he told me, the less I'd worry. But a mother's instinct is stronger than that, and you just know. There was just that hollowness in his eyes. ROTORS WHIRR, EXPLOSIONS ECHO I'd get drunk and just cry for hours. I can get really anxious and jittery and nervous, and that` that anxiousness then develops into anger and frustration. POIGNANT MUSIC All my life I wanted to be in the army. My ultimate aim was special forces. If it weren't for the PTSD, I'd still be in Afghanistan now. The guys that I served with are all still deployed. I feel guilty that I'm not around to look out for them. READS: Never above you, never below you, always beside you. POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES I couldn't admit anything to anyone, not even my girlfriend. I cared about him a great deal, so to see him going through something like that was really hard and the fact that I couldn't do anything about it. He would be fine, having fun, and the next minute he'd be crying. And he didn't know why; I didn't know why. Sometimes it was frightening, because Tyson would have panic attacks. There were times when he would be, like, struggling to breathe and he'd be crying. And I don't know. Like, I just felt like I should be able to do something, especially for someone that I cared about so much, but, like, nothing I ever did really ever helped. I should have felt more, but I just didn't care. I was completely numb. Uh, and that wasn't fair on Kate, because she would try and show she loved me and show affection and that sort of stuff. And I` When I was sober, I was completely emotionally numb. But then when I'd drink, I would quickly turn around and become an emotional hand grenade. So all the emotion, uh, that I'd suppressed over the last 18 months and all the anger and frustration and the heartache and all the pain that I'd locked away inside me, as soon as I'd get drunk, it would all come out. Tyson was just kind of on a path of destruction, really. Most people don't really talk about it. One, that couples don't necessarily want people to know that they're going through trouble, but also it's not necessarily identified that that's what maybe the men are struggling with, and so that's what the women are dealing with. Like, not` not many of the soldiers will talk about it. You know, they're embarrassed, they're ashamed, and Tyson was the same. Inevitably, our relationship fell apart, because it's this` Kate was, uh, sort of more worried about how I was going to react to something emotionally, and then that` that eventually took over everything. PEOPLE CHATTER REFLECTIVE MUSIC Like, out in public, it's just too overwhelming. I get all jittery. I think people are judging me. It's like there's nothing I can do about it. You try to control the scenario, but` or you try and control how you feel, but you can never really fully grasp it. Just when you think you're` you've got a hold on how you're going to react and how you feel, it sort of` sort of catches you by surprise. Uh, like you can walk into the shopping centre thinking you're going to just react normally, and then all of a sudden, you'll start to get jitters, and you might start to get a little bit agitated or you start looking behind you and wondering what's going on, what things you can't influence and all that sort of stuff. So that's the thing with PTSD is it affects every aspect of your life. I find it hard to trust anything at face value now, so I'm always on edge and on the lookout. GUNFIRE, MEN SHOUT Moments after the blast occurred, I approached the farmer that owned the field in which the device was placed. Uh, I was still covered with blood, and mud and cordite and just shit from the blast, uh, and I looked him in the eye, and I said, 'Who placed that bomb in your field?' And he looked at me square in the eye and said, 'What bomb?' He said there was no bomb in the field. Now, I still had two dead mates on the ground less than 100m away and I'm covered with shit, and he didn't have a moment's hesitation about lying to my face. 'The only people I could really rely on were my mates. 'My relationships with people have changed quite a bit. 'The boys I deployed with, my relationship with them is inseparable. 'Like, they literally` we have a connection that rivals the connection I have with my family.' It's good coming out here with one of the other boys, cos you can relate to each other. And sometimes you just want to talk, but you don't know when the right time to talk is, and this is, sort of, the perfect environment. Like, you can come out and be yourself. You don't have to worry about seeing anyone else or wonder what other people are gonna think. Like, this is just time for you to be yourself. SEAGULLS CRY Where do I go from now? Honestly, I don't know. I've got all` For the last eight years, all I've ever known and lived and breathed is army, and now that I've lost that, I honestly don't know where to go. Like, I literally, uh` I almost take it a step at a time. I, sort of, get through one day and, uh, try to keep my head above water and` and just get through like that. ROCK MUSIC Six months ago, I heard about Mates4Mates. It was set up by the Queensland RSL to support soldiers coming back from Afghanistan. They say 20% of people returning from Afghanistan come back with mental problems. I reckon it's more. The conventional therapies haven't really worked for a lot of us. Mates4Mates use adventure challenges to help us get our confidence back. If people have a goal and something to push themselves towards, then the symptoms of PTSD won't show themselves as much. They've given us this almost mammoth feat and said, 'All right, you boys work together and get this done,' and that's exactly what I needed. They've given us the goal of kayaking 100km from Sydney to Brisbane. We'll paddle 50km a day, hugging the coastline. It's like doing a marathon every day. Most of us have never kayaked before. As soldiers, we're landlubbers. We know the desert. We'll be completely out of our comfort zone. It'd be silly to think we're not going to experience intense conditions. We are paddling up half the south-east coast of Australia, so, uh, we could have beautiful days like this ` we expect a lot of beautiful days like this ` but we also anticipate we will get storms, we will get high winds, rough currents, that sort of stuff. Tyson, looking forward to a 4.30 start on Sydney Harbour tomorrow morning? Mate, honestly, I'm not really a morning person, but the draw of the challenge itself makes, uh, the morning a little bit easier to` to bear. I must admit looking at the 1000km is` is quite a massive feat. Uh, I think the uniqueness of the event is part of the drawcard. Uh, because something like this hasn't been attempted before, that really drew me to it, along with the physical challenge. Pressure to be staunch in public is massive. We're soldiers. Like, we're men. Like, we've got this reputation to uphold, like we've got to be the hard-arse, we've got to be the men, the role model, the warrior. It's very very hard for guys to express what's going on inside their head. I've had people say to me, 'Just grit your teeth and get on with it,' and for a long time I` I done that. You don't want people to think you're crazy. You just want people to see you as what you are; you're just going through a rough patch. We're not broken; we just need a bit more time to readjust. TABLET BEEPS Looking at the weather forecast for the next week, we've got four days of rain. I'm starting to get the butterflies in the stomach, I think, now. So, this is it ` the big day. So, yeah, now, uh, I almost feel sick, I'm that nervous. MOMENTOUS MUSIC PEOPLE CHATTER, LAUGH MOMENTOUS MUSIC SWELLS Something like this ` it's an enormous feat. The physical and mental challenge is the drawcard. Soldiers are used to setting goals and to pushing our bodies to the limit to achieve a certain task. And you feel like you lose that once you have your PTSD episode and potentially you drift away from army. You feel like you've lost everything. Come on, quickly. Bags over. Or you feel useless; you feel pathetic. This is an opportunity to get you to a spot where you can achieve something and feel like you're worth something again. Best of all, I get to do it with my mates. MAN: Yeah, let's go. MAN: Yeah, let's go. PEOPLE CHATTER, LAUGH Let's do this. All the best, mate. All the best, mate. Thanks, mate. All the best, mate. Thanks, mate. Enjoy. Thanks for coming down. I appreciate it. DRAMATIC MUSIC Jesus. Jesus. PEOPLE SPEAK INDISTINCTLY MOMENTOUS MUSIC PEOPLE CHEER, WHISTLE MOMENTOUS MUSIC SWELLS Honestly, I don't know if this challenge is going to kill me. I know something has to change. People potentially see this as a reward, but it's not a reward. This is an alternate form of rehabilitation to help guys through a period where they're having a little bit of difficulty. I really hope that this paddle's a success. I hope at the end of this I can look back and say, 'Yeah, this was worth it. This has helped me become a better person.' DRAMATIC MUSIC If I get taken by a shark, tell them I died handsome. LAID-BACK MUSIC RADIO: It's 22 degrees already and some big surf out there today. Between the waves, keep an eye out for the Mates4Mates crew paddling by on their way to Brisbane. Give them a big shout-out if you see them. After paddling 30km or 40km and you're stuck out in the middle of the ocean and your body is just that fatigued and that sore that` you just feel like throwing it all in. Uh, you have a massive mental battle with yourself to keep going and keep pushing and just to work through it. It takes not only a huge physical toll but also a mental toll as well. So, they're gone, so what have we got? Just the two boats here? I tell myself I'm pointed in the right direction, but I'm not better. One, two, three, lift. I have days where I wake up and I question whether or not I have PTSD. I feel fantastic; I have motivation; I have drive; I'm keen to get out and conquer the world. And then I have other days where I just fall apart. I can't talk to people, I'm irritable, I'm angry and just not a nice person. REFLECTIVE GUITAR MUSIC You can feel that's the depression and the PTSD creeping back in and trying to take hold of your life, and it's literally exhausting trying to stop these feelings and these emotions take over you. REFLECTIVE MUSIC CONTINUES But every evening there is still heaps more work to do. Everything has to be ready for the next morning's 5.30 start. I'm stuffed. I just wanna go to sleep. BIRDS CHIRP This is nice. This is perfect. If we had this for the next four days, I'll be happy. But, generally, the morning starts out all right, and then lunchtime the front will come through, and that's when it gets pretty average, but hopefully it stays like this. BIRDS CHIRP, PEOPLE CHATTER Before we step off, you just take a bit of time to have a look at the ocean and get a feel for what's out there and try and get an understanding of the conditions you're going into. But you can see coming out through the passageway here, you have waves breaking right at the entrance of the passageway we have to come through, so that might be a little bit hairy. Like, we could` We'll have to be careful going through there. REFLECTIVE MUSIC Righto. Well... Ty, have we got any water in the Kia? 'We have a great support crew, including my mum. I really liked having her along.' GENTLE MUSIC It's been great coming on the challenge, and I think the big positive of it is that you can see for your own eyes how they're managing different circumstances. I guess it could sound crazy, but I like this sort of scenario. Like, when you get picked up and you get thrown by the wave, you get that adrenalin rush and that stimulation. It's just not everyday monotonous bullshit. It gets the heart pumping. The PTSD is sort of taking me down that path where I need that excitement. Follow that line. Follow that line. Follow that line. Follow that line. PEOPLE SPEAK INDISTINCTLY Stay up, boys. Stay up, boys. PEOPLE EXCLAIM, GASP ONLOOKERS: Oh no! < Forward paddle! Back paddle, back paddle, back paddle! Back paddle, back paddle, back paddle! Go back. Back paddle! Back paddle! < Back paddle, back paddle! Careful. It's not an easy practice crossing over a bar. You've gotta position yourself so that you increase your chances of survival as best as possible. MAN: You're doing really well now. MAN: You're doing really well now. PEOPLE SHOUT When they overturned, I knew they'd be right because they've trained for that. Once I see Tyson's head pop up and he does the hand signals, and then I know that they're OK. I think in this sort of situation my PTSD helps me be more aware, like I'm constantly looking for that` for what's happening next and where the` almost where threat's coming from, and that sort of keeps me on my toes a bit. In this scenario, that's potentially a good thing. In everyday life, that's not a really good thing. That was just the start of a hard slog that day. INTENSE MUSIC The whole way along, the waves were huge and the wind was pushing us out to sea. If the sea were always calm, it would be a pretty boring three weeks. But after a hard slog, the last thing I really want is a pack of media waiting for me. DRAMATIC MUSIC PEOPLE CHATTER Dealing with the media is so, so difficult. Well done, boys. You're baring your soul, your deepest emotions. You're baring your everything. They then take it and expose it to the world. PEOPLE CHATTER 'There's times when you're telling your story, and I just feel so weak, and pathetic and petty 'and I just question myself why I'm doing this. 'It's exhausting revisiting those images in your head and going back and how my life has fallen apart, 'but hopefully that encourages other soldiers to seek help and put their lives back on track.' It's such an amazing experience. We're so thankful for it, so... Can I ask your name? Can I ask your name? My name's Tyson Murray. Can I ask your name? My name's Tyson Murray. All right. I'm very exhausted after that little` little stint. I'm very exhausted after that little` little stint. Yeah. ROCK MUSIC RADIO: And another beautiful morning here in Surfers Paradise. A big welcome to the Mates4Mates kayakers, who get into Brisbane later today. Get on down to Eagle St here ` show your support. 1000km in three weeks ` great effort, boys. Very very excited and very eager to get on the water and get this over and done with. It's a bit surreal that everything's come to an end now. Today is the accumulation of 21 days of hard work and flogging myself. This is the reward. ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES Everything I set out to achieve, I've achieved. I've overcome personal hurdles, and, uh, I think I've put myself in a good place. I've helped set myself up in a good mindset for the future, so I'm happy with where I'm at. ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES This will be my last time, uh, in a kayak for some time, I think. MUSIC CONTINUES PTSD's prevalent to anyone who has been involved in the combat environment. The majority of servicemen have adjustment issues; it's just the depth of the adjustment issues. Being with other people that have PTSD, you're in an environment that you're not going to be judged. They're people you can relate to, and they've been through similar situations. It makes you feel like you're not alone,... HORN BLOWS ...and that's how the veteran community will get through this, by working together. ROCK MUSIC I think we've come a long way in the three weeks. I feel like we've overcome a lot of personal hurdles. We've worked together when times got tough, and I think we've got a better understanding of each other and some of the conditions and problems we're faced with. I think we're better people for what we've gone through together. Well done, anyway, boys. This is it, eh? Well done, anyway, boys. This is it, eh? Yeah. Good work. We've done it. Good work. We've done it. 'ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR' PLAYS Good work. We've done it. 'ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR' PLAYS Well done, mate. Well done, bud. 'ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR' CONTINUES PLAYING The longer you suppress something inside you, the more violent and more destructive that thing is when it finally comes out. So if I can get people to` if I can get soldiers to identify they're having dramas early and they can get on top of them, maybe we can stop their lives falling apart. GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014