Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Hello, and welcome to Best Bits, the show with the funniest and weirdest stuff from this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. With me tonight, from ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan radio show, it's Vaughan Smith. All the way from Australia, it's funny girl Mel Buttle. Billy T award-winning comedian Rhys Mathewson. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Let's go to our first clip, and first up tonight, I've got a lot of time for TV ONE weather presenter Karen Olsen. She's concise, she's informative, and she's professional. But what the hell was she putting in her coffee last week? Now, funny things start to happen when meteorologists stare at satellite images a little too long. They start to see things. One of our forecasters today, Andy Best, saw the North Island wearing a bird mask, and you can see here the beak, the eye, the mouth and the crest. (CHUCKLES) Well, there we go. LAUGHTER Good evening. Welcome to ONE News. Coming up later we have sport, weather and what we think some clouds look like. I felt sorry for Karen in that, because it's one of those scenarios where in the middle of telling a story, and you're halfway through, and you realise it's a really shit story. You know? And, like, you're fully committed to it, so you just carry on with it, knowing it's a shit end. Very much like what I'm doing right now. Very much like what I'm doing right now. LAUGHTER Now, is this on your real news or is this...? Now, is this on your real news or is this...? LAUGHTER This is the news that the government funds. This is the news that the government funds. Oh, right, right. That's nice. > We're quite proud of our weather. We start our news with the weather at one minute to 6. You know that little bit where, 'It's 6 o'clock,' and we get the weather going into the first and second ad break, and then we have about 20 minutes of weather, then wrap up the weather and that's our news. It's weird. They treat it like a tease, eh, like, 'You'll never guess what happened in the weather today. 'Hang around, we might tell you.' Well, I was outside earlier. I could probably give you a... a small hint as to what it was like, but I will hang around to see what that cloud looks like. but I will hang around to see what that cloud looks like. LAUGHTER All right, to our next clip, and we move to The Bachelor now, where things are really heating up. Check out this clip of a steamy kiss from last week, and see if you can work out who's more into it. ROMANTIC MUSIC Are you gonna open your mouth? LAUGHTER Don't feel bad, Chrystal. The dude runs a paleo business. He won't even open his mouth for carbohydrates. Pashing ` do you remember your first pash, Jesse? Pashing ` do you remember your first pash, Jesse? Yeah, for sure. I remember my first pash. It was in the` my fourth-form social at school with a girl called Simone, and you do that dancing, 'Are you into sports and that?' 'Oh yeah.' 'You into music and that?' 'Oh yeah. What are you into?' 'Cindi Lauper.' 'Yeah, he's great' 'Do you want to go to the dark corner?' This girl Simon, I'll never forget it ` she had a tongue like a rattlesnake. It was just... But you know? And seriously, teeth were smacking into each other, there was saliva flying. But I didn't care, cos I was pashing, you know? And she gave me a couple of hickeys. I was a legend that night, Jesse. A legend. Actually, if you watch again, you can see her tongue trying to, like, burrow through. It's like a` a mining machine. You know that tunnel bora they've got out at West Auckland at the moment ` Alice the tunnel bora? Her tongue's like... (GRUNTS) If we watch it again, there is a moment where you see her tongue trying to find the weak spot. LAUGHTER Uh, this might be too much information, but the girl that I lost my virginity to, on the evening in question` Probably don't make it sound like a police report. So my first time, right ` so it's quite tender, quite sweet, not very good, but she was, like, 'You can do anything you want to me,' cos she was crazy, but, like, as a first-timer, you don't want carte blanche. Do you know what I mean? You want someone to hold your hand, and then put it where it needs to be put, and then to be tucked in by 11. and then to be tucked in by 11. LAUGHTER So, Paul Henry's new show started this week, and while reaction was a little bit mixed, at least the show had plenty of massive microphones. Paul had one, Hillary had one, the sports guy had one, and weirdly, even the big TV got one. Dr Arthur Grimes from Motu Research joins us now. Arthur, thank you for joining us this morning. Do you know him, Mel? Cos he's done a really shit show in Australia as well. There was a newspaper headline when he was on one of our breakfast shows, and it was 'Australia, Paul Henry's your problem now!' And he was for literally a week, so... A lot of people do love Paul Henry. He's definitely a very skilled broadcaster. He just tends to be polarizing. Is that a good way of summing it up? He just tends to be polarizing. Is that a good way of summing it up? Yeah, yeah, racists love him! Oh, yep, yep. Paul Henry fans. That's why it's so surprising he didn't work in Australia. Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Oh! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Oh, I'm so offended! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) On behalf of my Dad, I'm offended. (LAUGHS) On behalf of my Dad, I'm offended. LAUGHTER Right, it's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up it's... Yes, getting married should be the happiest day of someone's life. So when you ask for your mother's blessing, you probably don't want her to react like this. Are you happy that I got married? Yeah. Yeah. And I've found somebody to get married to? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? You like Jo, don't you? > Yeah, she's all right. LAUGHTER Grumpy old lady. The way she's looking down, it's, like, 'I wish you'd told me the cameras were coming. 'I would've put on a bra.' 'I would've put on a bra.' LAUGHTER I just love that generation. They're just so unimpressed with the world. I remember being a nipper and going up to my granddad and wishing him happy birthday and my granddad saying, 'What's to celebrate?! I'm just another year closer to death!' You know? That's pretty hard bloody news for a 4-year-old to take. How do people get on with their mothers-in-law, by the way? How do people get on with their mothers-in-law, by the way? Beg pard? Do you get on well with the mother-in-law? Do you get on well with the mother-in-law? Yeah. Yeah. I do, actually. And is it sort of normal to find their mothers-in-law quite hot? (CHUCKLES) You're attracted to your wife or your partner because of certain qualities, presumably what she's got from her mother. Right. Right. Ancient French renaissance poet, Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, I'm familiar with his oeuvre. I'm familiar with his oeuvre. Yeah. He once said, 'You got it from your mama, you got it from your mama, your mama, mama,' so... Jason's right, and he's got French poetry to back him up. Jason's right, and he's got French poetry to back him up. Thank you, Vaughan. Yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. You're welcome. All right. Now... ....goes to Kiwi cricketer Kyle Mills. Now his career is over, he can focus on the stuff that's important to him, like describing his teammates in the nude. The strangest moment you've seen on tour with this team? Uh, this team here, recently I'd have to say no doubt the Hairy Javelin naked is an awkward moment in the changing room. He's getting a lot of publicity these days, so steer clear of him. He's getting a lot of publicity these days, so steer clear of him. Well, I was not expecting that one! Yes, he had a good World Cup final, but Grant 'the Hairy Javelin' Elliott will always be remembered for his semi. He is extraordinarily hairy, though. He is extraordinary. I remember, you know, when I was growing up and going through my teen years, I was a really late developer, and I used to think that, like, stubble and chest hair and genital hair was a sign that you were becoming a man. And I used to go to a boys' boarding school, and we used to have communal showers, and there would be 12-, 13-year-old boys there all with their pubes and stuff. This is` and, um, I didn't have pubes, and I felt really not a part of, and so one day` one day I actually chopped off some of my hair from my head ` this is true ` and I stuck it around my pube region. And I should have been a make-up artist. It was an amazing job. Went and had a sh` you know, had, like, pubes, and I felt like a part of. I felt like a man. What did you stick it on with? What did you stick it on with? Just, you know, those glue sticks you get from...? But I was having a shower, and it just all started falling off in clumps, and everyone was just turning around and they all went, 'Oh my God! Hoyte! Ew!' And so I got the name Pubes Hoyte at school, and people would take great amusement, 'How are your pubes today, Jase?' That was a... really embarrassing story that I'd rather not have told. really embarrassing story that I'd rather not have told. LAUGHTER I don't know if I even need to bother explaining this, but the clip was about NZ cricketer Grant Elliot, who got the nickname the Hairy Javelin for obscure reasons. We're reluctant to bring up cricket on the show. You're Australian, and NZ lost to Australia in the big final recently, as you probably know. As I just found out, yes. We... Suck it, losers! LAUGHTER And well done to the boys back home. I'm so... But get this ` if I give you NZ$1, you've got to give me a whole dollar back, so fuck you, Australia! Time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at game shows in our Topic of the Week. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is game shows. Now, some game shows give away $1 million, some give away luxury cars and boats. But when it comes to prizes, Maori TV's Whanau Factor is a bit more down to earth. Welcome, everyone, to Whanau Factor. Our final show of the season. Now, we're the show just desperate, desperate to give away $4,000 worth of prizes. How about that? CHEERING Yes, the first of those prizes, valued at $2000 dollars, a foot massage from the host. We laugh, and we say, 'Oh, $4,000 isn't that much for a prize for a reality show competition.' Do you know how much the prize is for The Bachelor? No, what do they get? > No, what do they get? > Nothing. What? > What? > I found out last week if you win The Bachelor, you get nothing. You get, like, love but that's... You get, like, love but that's... Worthless. Worthless. Hart to put` Hard to put a cash value on it, isn't it? Like, 100 bucks is what prostitutes charge, but that's not love. Like, 100 bucks is what prostitutes charge, but that's not love. LAUGHTER Maori TV always has the best prizes. I had a friend who was working there when they were giving away a Multi Kai Cooker. It's basically a hangi. It's a massive steamer. It's a hangi without having to dig a hangi. RHYS: Mel, do you know what a hangi is? RHYS: Mel, do you know what a hangi is? I believe I do. It's kind of like a cross between cooking and a treasure hunt. It's kind of like a cross between cooking and a treasure hunt. Got ya. When you stand on a bit of earth that burns your foot, you've found the food. Get ready to dig. Now everyone knows the first round of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? is a gimme round. You get a nice easy question to get you started off. And all you have to do is make sure you don't make any stupid mistakes. (READS QUESTION) Um, ooh,... I'm gonna go with B on that one, Eddie ` the anniversary ring. But Burger Ring's an interesting one. Have another look. (REPEATS QUESTION) B. Did I get...? Whitney! Relationship ` wedding and engagement, Eddie. Relationship ` wedding and engagement, Eddie. Which is not a piece of jewellery. Not a piece of jewellery. Not a piece of jewellery. Oh, Burger Ring. Oh my God. AUDIENCE LAUGH Oh my God, Eddie. That is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. LAUGHTER Was it as embarrassing as the time your partner proposed to you with a Burger Ring? You guys may laugh and mock that poor lady, but I'll have you know that she is our Minister for Foreign Affairs, so... Hey, I love Who Wants to be a Millionaire? And I always` when I watch the classic millionaire ` the best one ` I always felt Eddie was sort of giving them little clues. Even then he was trying to save her. He di his best. She was too much of a stupid bint to work it out. Well, some Japanese game shows are very hard to get your head around, but not the show Spinning Top On Body. Unfortunately, what's happening here is all too clear. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) HOOTER BLARES EXCLAIMING LAUGHTER Something tells me that despite the white lab coats, those men are not real scientists. I love the periodic table of elements on the wall behind. I love the periodic table of elements on the wall behind. I missed that. > Its, like, 'This is an actual science lab.' Wait a minute. A top's going up that guy's bum hole. This might not be science. And that show weirdly was also called Millionaire Hotseat. And that show weirdly was also called Millionaire Hotseat. LAUGHTER Yeah, straight for the Burger Ring. Yeah, straight for the Burger Ring. LAUGHTER Now with Paul Henry back on TV this week and us looking at game shows tonight, it seemed like a good opportunity to flash back to the 1980s when Paul was hosting a little-known show on TV here in NZ called Every Second Counts. We're gonna have a bit of fun. And we're gonna want a bit of acting as well from our contestants now. We're going to be talking about pasta,... (BAD ITALIAN ACCENT) 'from which, of course, the macaroni,' if you know what I mean ` macaroni. I can tell you know what I mean. Paul Henry ` making fun of the way foreigners talk since 1986. Paul Henry ` making fun of the way foreigners talk since 1986. LAUGHTER His jacket actually ended up as one of the prizes on Whanau Factor. I caught up with my nana Easter weekend. She's Deaf. She kind of judges the whole show on what we're wearing. She kind of judges the whole show on what we're wearing. Right. She really likes you. Oh, me? Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, me? Yeah. That's lovely. She said, 'He always looks lovely. Why do you always wear a hat on television? 'And tell the one who looks like he's in Al Qaeda to have a shave.' Do you know the good thing about seeing that? Is there there's hope for all of us here to become overpaid assholes. If that's the origins of Paul Henry, that's bad. I mean, this isn't Shakespeare at the Globe, but it's not that bad. That's right. And that was what? You know, 25 years ago? We've got 25 years to get from this to where he is now. Well, I was there last year. I fucked it up. Well, I was there last year. I fucked it up. LAUGHTER Jesse, what happened last year. Do you want to talk? Oh, why don't you ask fucking Vaughan? He brings it up every week. Oh, why don't you ask fucking Vaughan? He brings it up every week. Well... Hey, Vaughan, why don't you tell her about the time you were on a 7pm show? Oh! Didn't happen. That is Topic of the Week. We'll be back soon with an anchor smashing head-first into a snowman in our Best Bits. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Hey, welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in... South Carolina news anchor Myra Ruiz got out of the studio recently to give some helpful safety tips for riding a sled. Unfortunately, she forgot rule number one ` always keep an eye on where you're going. The proper way to sled down a hill that's more muddy than snowy. They say no matter what, just have fun, use your hands and make sure you steer, Oh boy! From the snowman.(LAUGHS) Yes, that is the hollow laugh of a woman who did not become a journalist to be doing shit like this. That's one of those laughs where you're really really hurt, but you don't want to admit it. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Like... (LAUGHS FALSELY) 'Cut.' (WAILS) Like, you know, when kids fall off the playground or something, and they really munt themselves, and they fall down and they go... (GRUNTS) on the ground, and there's that five- to 10-second delay where they just stand there in` in, sort of, shock, and then after five or 10 seconds that wail comes out, like... (WAILS) I love that. LAUGHTER I love that she thinks she crashed into a snowman. Yeah. Yeah. That's a rock with snow on it, love. That ain't no snowman. That's the thing ` the crew hated her. They waited until she started, rolled that in. Worked out her projected line of trajectory and were, like, 'Move it, move it. Get out of the shot. Boom!' We are laughing, but she is dead now. We are laughing, but she is dead now. LAUGHTER Let's go to CBS LA in the States now. Imagine you are a news anchor. Imagine you have an angry bee stuck in your trousers. How long could you keep it together while the cameras were rolling? Join our street team at CBS.com and share you news stories. Goodnight, everybody, and have a great Sunday. And that incident put a end to the short broadcasting career of Michael Flatley from Riverdance. You say Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. If we play that again without sound and make Irish music, I think it will make a lot more sense. (SINGS RAPID IRISH TUNE) (DRUMS HANDS ON TABLE) SCATTERED APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah, Riverdance. Pretty good. Yeah, Riverdance. MEL: Yep. Do you think that guy goes home every night and goes to his family,... (AMERICAN ACCENT) 'I don't wanna read the news. I wanna dance.' Is he like the SoCal Jim Hickey? Remember Jim always used to do silly things at the end of the weather? Remember Jim always used to do silly things at the end of the weather? True. He did. People loved it or they hated it. People were, 'That Jim Hickey. What a character.' Other people would be, like, 'This is no time for fucking around, Jim. 'You've just told us it's gonna be raining all weekend.' Do you think they're missing madness from the TV ONE weather? And they're, like, 'We miss Jim. We miss those Jim Hickey crazy ratings. 'Karen, why don't you pretend the North Island's got a bird mask?' Now, microphones ` have you heard of them? They're a relatively recent invention designed to amplify your voice so that everyone in the room can hear you. It's a simple concept, but one that basketballer Nigel Hayes seemed to have difficulty coming to terms with. MAN: All right. MAN: All right. MAN: Do you have it? WOMAN: Check out her, uh, fancy` God, she's beautiful. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I heard that. All right, so we'll open it up to questions. Whoops, that beautiful woman overheard me calling her beautiful. Let's hope she doesn't see the size of my hands and leap to her own conclusions. He seemed like a nice guy that basketballer, though, didn't he? He seemed like a nice guy that basketballer, though, didn't he? Yeah, his name is Nigel Hayes. Yes. Yes. Which proves that even if you're a black man, no Nigel can be smooth. The hands, Jess ` when you say his hands, it's not cos he's got massive hands. Isn't it if you've got massive feet? Isn't it if you've got massive feet? I think it's if you've got a massive dick. That's not the saying, Mel. 'You know what they say about the guy with the big dick ` big dick.' That is our show for another week. Thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Now, when you're a contestant on a reality TV show and you get voted off, it's crucial to leave with some well-chosen words. That's exactly what Jonny did on the show Ton of Cash. But you could argue that toward the end of his goodbye speech, he started to lose his dignity. There are some last words that I'd like to say to the group. Guys, I don't care how tough you think you are, nothing hits harder than life. But it ain't it how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, OK? And don't be pointing fingers saying, 'I'm not where I need to be, because of him or her or anybody.' Cowards do that, and that ain't you. (GRUNTS) (CONTINUES GRUNTING) LAUGHTER And if you've just tuned in, that's footage from Paul Henry's final episode of breakfast TV in Australia. Thank you for watching Best Bits. See you next week. Goodnight. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.