# Start talking shit, (KASABIAN'S 'ILL RAY') # You're telling me about this # I tell you about` about that # Start talking shit, you'll walk into another trap. # We got the night. # We got the world. # Into the future, I give you my word. # We got the night. # We got the world. # Into the future, I give you my` # - Hello. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And welcome to the Russell Howard Hour. The Las Vegas atrocity continues to dominate the news. Not surprisingly, the massacre in Las Vegas has reignited the gun control debate in America. The attack has prompted howls of outrage from many. These mass shootings in the United States keep on happening, with no prospect whatsoever of this one being the last. It's a very, very sad day for me personally. (LAUGHTER) It's not about you, you piece of shit! (LAUGHTER) Not only is he self-obsessed; he continued to dodge the issue the world is talking about. He refused to even address the question of gun laws. Not gonna talk about it? It was the worst mass shooting in American history, and he's like (IMPERSONATES TRUMP), 'This is hardly the time. - 'Let's talk sausages.' - (LAUGHTER) When an incident happens, you discuss the incident. Like, if my girlfriend caught me with my dick in a jam jar, I would... (LAUGHTER) I wouldn't be able to go, 'This is hardly the time!' How dare you cheapen this moment?! (APPLAUSE) We need to talk about gun violence in America, cos nobody in power seems to be blaming guns. (LAUGHTER) Feet are just as deadly as guns?! - Oscar Pistorius. It's... - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) The NRA weren't the only ones. Trump's friends at FOX News were making some outrageous claims. If that psychopath had, God forbid, driven a truck into that crowd and killed 100 people, would we be talking about truck control? - Yes. - (LAUGHTER) As humans, we learn from our mistakes. It's called evolution. If a bad thing keeps happening, we fix it. That's why cars have seatbelts and airbags and automatic brakes. We learn from mistakes. If I've had a curry, I don't go trampolining. (LAUGHTER) The reason there are so many gun deaths in America is cos they have a ridiculous amount of guns. Americans own more guns than any other country in the world; 300 million weapons in all. That's 89 for everyone 100 people. 89 guns for every 100 people. In the UK, it's six. And what do we hardly have in this country? Gun death. And some Americans are like (TEXAN ACCENT) 'You're English. You don't understand.' 'If you had a gun, you'd feel safe.' No, I wouldn't. I'd use it. Like... I'm English. We're angry all the time. All we've got is sarcasm. Imagine if we had a gun. It'd be a nightmare. (IMITATES GUN SHOTS) I held the door open for you and you didn't thank me! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) I can't believe you made a cuppa tea by putting the milk in first! (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) WHEEZES: You're talking... in the quiet carriage. Shuuuuuushhh. That's why we don't have guns. Also they're tricky to buy, whereas in America,... It's easier to buy a gun than a Happy Meal. Dah, dah, dah, dah. It's ludicrous. (LAUGHTER) And, again, you hear Americans go, 'I need my gun to protect me from ISIS.' Bollocks. And yet still the NRA say, 'Guns don't kill people. People do.' There's a rule of thumb. If you answer a question by going like this, you're lying. (LAUGHTER) Think about it. 'Have you been drinking?' 'No!' 'Have you been sleeping with my sister?' 'No!' 'Did you put your dick in the jam jar?' 'Absolutely not.' (LAUGHTER) 'The very idea that you would suggest that I would do a thing like that to something as sacred 'as sweet, sweet jam... 'is ridiculous.' (APPLAUSE) In America, semi-automatic rifles are legal, but these products are banned. Kinder eggs. Brie. And in Alabama, you're not allowed a sex toy. Over 12,000 people have died from guns this year. Nobody has been dildoed to death. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) That's right, madam. What a way to go. (LAUGHTER) To be honest, I shouldn't be joking. This is a really serious matter, because some Americans cling to the Second Amendment, which says... And that was written in 1791. Here's the kind of guns they had then. Close the pistol, fully cock it back, aim and fire. Here's the guns we have now. (RAPID GUNFIRE) So probably time for a change. But it's never gonna happen, is it? Never gonna happen, because Trump talks about the Second Amendment like an infant. The Second Amendment purpose is to guarantee our right to defend ourselves and our families. We need that. (CHEERING) In fact, I have a licence to carry in New York. Can you believe that? Nobody knows that. He's such a child. America needs an adult, not a kid. People are gonna keep dying until that gets changed. And Americans go, 'You can't change the constitution.' You can. It's been amended 27 times in 200 years. Trump wants to make America great again, so make it great. Get out the Tippex, change the constitution and start saving lives. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) But he wont, cos in the same week ` the same week that 58 people died ` rather than talking about guns, he rolled back on Obama's rule which gave women free access to birth control. Employees in America used to give women the pill for free, and for no reason, he got rid of it. When it comes to gun control, Trump's a pussy. When it comes to birth control, he's a cunt. (CHUCKLES) - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - It's just, like.... The morning after pill is vital. It means women don't ruin their lives because of one mistake. If only America had a morning after pill for the election. (LAUGHTER) Aaaaand the world is a better place. It's just getting ridiculous now. Do you feel me? It's getting ridiculous. He's like a joke. He's like some sort of idiot genius. He does something insane to change the conversation. 'There's been a shooting.' 'Let's punish women.' 'There's been a hurricane.' 'I know. I'll pronounce Puerto Rico like nobody ever has.' We are also praying for the people of Po-ay-to Rico. We love Po-ay-to Rico. (LAUGHTER) BREATHY: Po-ay-to... Rico. He's like a dad showing off in a tapas restaurant. 'I'll have the patatas bravas and some jalapeno.' # Into the future, 1 Trump wasn't the only leader struggling with words. Did you see Theresa May's conference speech? A lost voice, a prankster with a P45 and a conference set falling apart. How Theresa May's British dream turned into a nightmare. 10 years after Northern Rock, (COUGHS) our economy is back on track. Training for doctors and nurses, (COUGHS) and we` (CLEARS THROAT). Why` (CLEARS THROAT) Why we will never` (COUGHS) Excuse me. She had an absolute stinker. Nobody could possibly suggest that went well. It was a brilliant speech. Great speech. Great speech. Great speech. What'd you think of that? Hello. I thought it was a fantastic speech from our prime minister at the top of her game. (LAUGHTER) Top of her game?! It's like an advert for Dignitas. She couldn't stop coughing. Mind you, if you're gonna run through a field of wheat, you're gonna get hay fever. (LAUGHTER) - I... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) I watched the whole speech. I couldn't take my eyes off it. At one point, she even forgot how to drink. Watch it in slo-motion ` you can actually hear her thoughts. SLO-MO VOICE: Oh, fucking hell. Son of a biiiiitch. (LAUGHTER) It wasn't just her breaking down. Her sign gave up too. Watch this ` Theresa May's slogan literally falling apart as she spoke. I think she did that thing where you cough so much, you accidentally fart. (LAUGHTER) The whole thing` We've all been there. The whole thing... The whole thing was like a massive anxiety dream. I was half expecting her to go, 'None of this is real. 'I'm actually in a dream. 'I can do anything.... 'for this is not happening. 'You're not a man! 'I'm not Theresa May! 'You're an ice cream! It's an ice cream! 'He's an iiiiice cream! He's an iiiiice cream! 'He's an ice cream.' (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) 'Fuck, I'm awake, aren't I?' (LAUGHTER) The nightmare continued. It turned out she stole some of her speech. She stole. She stole some of her speech from a hit TV show. It's when tested the most that we reach deep within ourselves and find that our capacity to rise to the challenge before us may well be limitless. But every time we think we've measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. (LAUGHTER) Don't copy other people. I learnt about that in West Philadelphia, where I was born and raised. I mean, what is on your head? Now... (LAUGHTER) Fucking crazy, man. (APPLAUSE) Now, one of the major talking points was, of course, the heckle. Just as she was finding her stride, out of the corner of her eye, a piece of paper was proffered. In the buttoned up guise of a Tory activist, stand-up comedian Simon Brodkin handing her a fake P45. You know she's gonna go to one of his gigs and heckle him. (AS THERESA MAY) 'Hey, Brodkin! What's red, white and blue? Your arse after a night in prison! - 'Yeah!' - (LAUGHTER) 'You'll be doing porridge; they'll be stirring yours! Yahhh!' 'You feel me? I just licked a man's head!' People were saying it was the most disgusting thing that happened at the conference. Bullshit. Did anyone else see this guy leaving? (AUDIENCE GASPS) That is a... nasty itch! Now... talking of filth, did you hear about this scandal? It was the talk of the news. It was excruciating. I was absolutely gobsmacked. A very difficult physical ordeal. Pot shots from behind. A foreign objects in someone's body. Bondage. All three at the same time. The sheer effort that that takes. It's that determination to keep going. (LAUGHTER) Now... (APPLAUSE) join me after the break, where I'll be talking to Sir Richard Branson. - Hello. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Welcome back to the show. Now, this week, I'm gonna talk about online shopping. You can get anythink delivered online. I mean anythink. Food, clothes, a book of images not to masturbate to. (LAUGHTER) You can even get guinea pig armour. Look at you lot. 'I am getting that.' Some of you are going, 'That is worth getting a guinea pig just to dress him up like a kniiight.' He didn't just have a suit of armour. He also had his own transport. Like... it's brilliant. But of course I think that cos I'm English. We buy so much pointless stuff online. We spend more online per person than any other country in the world ` more than �422 million a day. MAN: Whoo! No, not whoo! (LAUGHTER) We don't need it! I'm the worst, man. Last week, I bought a self enema kit. Yeah. I read up about my gut health and thought, 'Oh, I need a purge!' Now, if you're thinking about buying one,... don't! In fact, the noise he made, that was exactly what I made. (GROANS) I'm talking instant regret. Just... (GROANS, GRUNTS) Although it was the only time my eyes have gone straight. (LAUGHTER) That is the only good thing. Don't do it. They are the exact opposite of Pringles. Once you pop, you can stop. Do you know worst thing? I was out when it was delivered, so the parcel was handed directly to my neighbour. Now every time I see him, it's unbelievably awkward. 'All right, Ross. How's your belly?' 'Fuck off, Jeff!' The point I'm making ` we all get stuff delivered to our house. We all get angry when we get the text from the driver. 'Oh my God! They want me to stay in the comfort of my house to get the thing that I want! 'They're takin' the piss, aren't they?' But I found out something the other day that really made me think. Do you know a lot of delivery drivers only get paid when they successfully deliver a parcel? So if you're not in, they don't get paid. Their working conditions are terrible. Some carriers are charged 150 quid if they're sick and they can't find a replacement driver. It's such bullshit. If you're throwing up, how are you gonna find a replacement? Just wondering up to people in the street? '(GRUNTS, GROANS) Help! 'Russell Howard needs an enema!' (LAUGHTER) How is their responsibility? No one else has to do that! When Adele cancelled her Wembley gigs, she didn't get Greg Davies to do it. SINGS OUT OF TUNE: # Never mind, I'll find # someone like you. # I wish nothin' but the best for you # too. # It's insane. (APPLAUSE) We need to talk about this. Some drivers have been urinating in bottles or defecating in bags because of a lack of time. And people say, 'Oh, being a comedian's a tough job.' I've never shat in a bag. I mean, I've been asked to ` I've got some weird fans. But... (LAUGHTER) But the point is ` I've never done it. So why do delivery drivers have such a tough time? Well, it's because they're self-employed, which sounds great, but actually means the same job as an employee without any of the rights. Long hours, minimum wage, no protection. If they're really self-employed, why do we have stories like this? One delivery company charged a driver 800 quid because he was run over while he was at work. He was charged for not working after he was run over working for the company that charged him. If you think about that when you're stoned, your head will explode. Self-employed. Companies are always using clever language to justify low-paying work. I mean, look what Subway call their staff. Sandwich artists. Does it get more patronising than that? That's how you get toddlers to do jobs, not adults. 'You're a sandwich artist! And you're a toilet wizard! 'And you're a trolley elf! Ooooh!' And while we're at it, I'll tell you what else can fuck off ` when supermarkets give their staff nametags. No one's ever used them. You would look instantly creepy. Imagine that. 'Are you collecting vouchers for school?' 'No. I don't have children, Jennifer.' (LAUGHTER) 'That's your name, isn't it?' The biggest bullshit term is the 'gig economy'. You're not working. It's a gig. It's not a job. It's a gig! Fuck off! I do gigs. When I go to work, people applaud. That's a gig. Britain isn't full of people going, (TO TUNE OF 'SEVEN NATION ARMY') 'Ooh, delivery driver.' Just, (TO TUNE OF 'RUBY') 'Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!' It's not a gig; it's a job. They're not parcel pixies. They're not taxi trolls. They're human beings, so companies should start treating them with a bit of fucking respect. They make you... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - They make you millions. They make you millions, so if they're ill, they shouldn't have to be made to pay. They shouldn't have to get a replacement. And if they're injured at work, help them out. So what can we do? Well, if you don't like the way these companies treat their staff, boycott 'em. If you're getting something delivered, stay in. Stay in. Maybe let the driver in to take a shit. If you're getting a Deliveroo, tip the driver. He's ridden to a restaurant to bring you dinner while you were sat in your pants. And one last thing, and this goes out to everyone in this land of ours. Don't buy an enema kit. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Please. (MUSICAL STING PLAYS) Now it's time for another playground politics. This week, we spoke about climate change. So, it's summer right now for us. So that means at the southern equator right now, it is autumn. (BLUES ROCK MUSIC) Do you know what climate change is? All the stone age people have to move to a different country not in England. Um... Do you know what climate change is? No. I have absolutely no clue. It's not. Aw. Aw! Yeah. But that's called, um... I think it's called metamorphasising. What? Whaaaat? Metamorpha-whaty-whaty? Whaaaaaaat? It's something to do with the weather. Is it getting warmer or colder? It's getting warmer. You think it's getting warmer? Yeah. I mean, that's pretty amazing that some kids from Wales are saying it's getting warm, because I don't think I've ever seen the sun in this country. (BOTH GIGGLE) What do you reckon the perfect temperature is? Uh, coldish hot. Coldish hot. Yeah, sort of in the middle. What do you think the perfect temperature is? Normal. OK. Ooh! Ooh! Hot. You think hot? But at what sorta degrees? I think it's, like, mid-range. 22 or something. Interesting, yeah. Because it's not too cold nor not too hot. Yeah, it's a bit like how Goldilocks likes her porridge. So what do you think the perfect temperature is? The perfect what? The perfect pa-pie-lop? Yeah. That's the perfect door. What's a pa-pie-lop? I once went to a zoo, right, in Sweden. D'you know what the temperature was? What? Minus-20. What do you think a lion would be like in minus-20? Very good. Very good. What about a woodpecker`? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) ...at, uh, 14. Oooh! (LAUGHS) Very good. Excellent. That was really good. In our country, it isn't as hot as other countries. Cos usually it's cooler. Sometimes it's warm, but then we don't usually have it baking. Ooh! Ooh! If you were gonna build a planet, what would it be? Er, a planet says... How about a planet with regenerating trees? So you could destroy them and then they'd grow back again. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah. One of the problems with climate change, polar bears may be gone soon. They'll have no ice left. So they may die ` like the unicorn. Have you ever seen a unicorn? - BOTH: No. - I have. Have you? Well, I dressed my brother up and put a Cornetto on his head. - (BOTH LAUGH) - It's a lot of fun. It's the next best thing. And he loves glitter. I'm gonna say, 'Here you go, trees, here's your friends. And then I don't know it, and then he comes and he eats it up again, and I have to keep shooting. And afterwards I'll be running out of weapons. I like that. I don't really know what you're talking about, but I like it. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 1 (ROCK MUSIC) Now, my guest this week is one of Britain's most famous entrepreneurs. Please welcome Sir Richard Branson. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Thank you very much for coming on the show. So... thank you very much for coming on the show. You've got a book out. I've got a book out. A second book, I believe. Or second autobiography. Yeah. So, I'd... What's the first one called? Losing My Virginity. And this one, 20 years on, is Finding My Virginity. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, I mean, I've been` It's frightening to think of it, but I've been 50 years I started as an entrepreneur` Right. ...when I was 15, 16 years old. And, um, I had lots of great adventures. And so I've tried to write a couple of books that can reflect what's gone on but also just be a good read, which I think is the important thing with a book. Massively. It would be remiss of me not to ask ` when did you lose your virginity? - (LAUGHTER) - I mean, cos you lost it and found it, so you must know where it is. I lost my virginity to a delightful Dutch girl when we were both very young. (AUDIENCE WHOOPS) And since this is a late-night show, um... - Go on. - (LAUGHTER) I'd` I'd finished doing what I thought was a wonderful performance. (LAUGHS) I like that. I` I-I got off... (LAUGHTER) ...and, um... She's not a park ride. And she carried on having an orgasm. So I thought, 'This is odd. I'd better get back on again.' And, um, and she whispers in my ear, 'Asthma attack. Asthma attack.' (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) So... Wow. So, um, so we ended up being carted off by an ambulance to hospital. - I mean, you'd got out of her by then. Yeah. - (LAUGHTER) That God for that. 'I dunno what's wrong with her, mate.' I never thought we'd be having this conversation. No. No. With a knight of the realm, no less. (LAUGHS) So tell me, how did you lose your virginity? - OK, it's a good question. - (LAUGHTER) - Um, I was dressed as a Dutch girl, and, uh... - (LAUGHTER) And this guy just wouldn't stop hammering me. I was so sexually gratified I had to fake an asthma attack. But he was so caring that he called the police. - Police? The ambulance, the ambulance. - (LAUGHTER) You love, you absolutely love a PR stunt, don't you? It's one of your favourite things. I love an adventure. I mean, PR stunts per se... I mean, if I'm going to fly around the world in a balloon, I'm going to have Virgin on the side and not British Airways on the side. Yes. You've got a lovely little running feud with BA. Yeah, there was occasion where BA ran a big dirty tricks campaign against Virgin, which some people might be old enough to remember. Yes. And, um, and we won a major court case against them. And we happened to win at Christmas time. We had the largest libel damages in history, and we distributed it amongst all our staff, and it became known as the British Airways Christmas bonus. (LAUGHTER) And not so long afterward, they decided to sponsor the London Eye. And the London Eye was flat on the ground waiting to be put up, and British Airways' name was going to be on it. And I got a call at 6am saying they had a technical problem. And, well, we just happen to own an airship company. So I rang up the airship company, which is just outside London, and I asked them to scramble an airship. And all the world's press were there to see this Eye go up, and the airship flew over the eye. We've actually got a photo. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Anyway, we got the headlines; BA didn't. You're a vegetarian. Well, I don't eat beef. But am I right in saying you started a business with Bill Gates? Like, you're trying to create meat substitutes? Yeah, we've invested in a company that will take a little sample of meat from a cow or from a pig or from a chicken without killing it,... Yeah. ...and then can multiply that up. So that people can eat beef or chicken or pork without killing any animals. And hopefully 10 years from now, most people in this audience will be doing exactly that ` 10 or 20 years. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) We're gonna have loads of cows, aren't we? If we're not killing 'em. Well, I mean, what's happening` If it turns out they're nasty, they... What I'm saying, a bit like Planet of the Apes. If they find out we've been eatin' their ancestor for years and we let 'em live, we're in trouble. Yeah. Planet of the Moos, we could... It's all right, we've got a spaceship coming. (LAUGHS) We'll get you off. OK. Oh, I like that. That sounds like the plot of a film, doesn't it? Who would be the first people you would take to Mars if you were gonna try and start humanity again? Well, I always like to be the honorary woman. If there's a hen party, I'll gate-crash that instead of going to the stag party. So it would have to be` Just women? With... (LAUGHTER) Of course. So that`? I mean... I-I-I'm 40 years married, so I'm not sure that my wife will approve of this. She'll be coming as well. Yeah, of course. And the rest just women? And the rest just women, yeah. I being around women. Do you prefer women's company? Yeah. OK, that's pretty interesting. So who would you take to Mars? Who would I take to Mars? - Steven Gerrard. - (LAUGHTER) Uh, Stephen Fry. Um... Donald Trump? I wouldn't take Trump. But we're not talking about coming back, are we? Oh, that's an interesting point. - (LAUGHTER) - That's a very interesting way of looking at it. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) You've got quite a full-on relationship with Trump. Is that fair to say? I wouldn't say a full-on relationship. Right. I wrote about it in my new book. I had a lunch with him which I found very strange, where we'd never met before. He just spent the whole lunch talking about six people who had not helped him when his last company had been bankrupt and how he was gonna spend the rest of his life destroying them. And... (LAUGHTER) And I remember leaving just thinking, 'This guy's a megalomaniac. 'Why is he gonna eat himself up going all out just to destroy six people?' And it's just, sort of, slightly childish. That's the funny thing about him. Take this week, for example. Yet another horrific gun incident. With Obama, there was that sorta sense that we're, kind of, inching forward. Seeing him cry, seeing him visibly upset. And now we see a man who clearly doesn't care cos he knows it's gonna... Obama was a very genuine, very down to earth, very real person. See, this is one of the fascinating things I find about you. Like, you're clearly a very righteous, honourable guy. The only thing that I don't really understand ` why did you get involved in the NHS? That's the on` Gordon Brown rang me up one day and asked me to come to Number 10 Downing Street. And he had an idea that he wanted to keep the NHS free forever,... Yes. ...but he wanted it to be run better. Right. And so his idea was let's break the NHS up into smaller units where people can say, 'I can run that smaller unit better than anybody else.' Yeah. 'I will save the country money by coming in and trying to run it better than anybody else.' And every five years you have to apply again to do it. Um, and so... But does that not go against the, sort of, tenet of it? I don't` Look, we don't make any money by doing it at all, and I'd love to just... You know, there's thousands of opportunities in the world. I think that Virgin Care, the team of people that work for Virgin Care, they're doing everything they can to improve the service. And they're saving the country money, and it's still a free service. And the most important thing about the NHS is that it's run well, that it's free for people forever. Yes. I completely understand why you're doing it, but it frustrates me that the government have to do this. Because if the government were to put money into it, would that not be better? Because one of the biggest problems with the NHS is the fact that nurses aren't getting a pay rise, doctors aren't getting pay rises, hospitals are being shut down. So the whole thing is under such pressure. So doctors and nurses and skilled people are working incredibly hard. I almost want you to just, right, as a businessman, look at it all ` how can we put doctors and nurses back in control rather than having this big wad of middle management that feels like it's bloated. I think. I like to think... (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I mean, I like to think that if you go into any of the small little units that we've got, that that's how we run them. OK. And the feedback we get from our staff is generally very positive. I mean, you have faced criticism. Yeah, I mean, look, there are people who would believe that most companies should be run by governments. Yes. The Labour Party thinks that most businesses should be run by governments. I` I don't agree with this. I've had 50 years of experience of being an entrepreneur. I know... When we went up against British Airways, that was in the days when British Airways was owned by the government. British Gas was owned by the government, British Telecom was owned by the government. British Rail was owned by the government. They were dreadful. I mean dreadful. And now the public have got Virgin Atlantic. They keep British Airways honest. and I think we've improved them because they've got competition. It means the public benefit from it. And I think this should apply to pretty well every single business. Government should stay out of business, and they should be managing the country much better than most governments do and not run businesses. (APPLAUSE) But it's... It's a very interesting point, but the only grey area is it's not` the NHS isn't a business. It's caring for people. But everything's caring for people. I mean, I... But I guess that's the thing that frightens me. Because if the train is late, the train's late. But if parts of the NHS don't work, that means our loved ones die. It's so dear to us, the NHS, one of the few things we can be proud of in this country. - Along with our biscuits. They're sensational. - (LAUGHTER) But the thing that makes it so special, anybody in this room who gets seriously ill, the best place they're gonna go to get a major operation is the NHS. And so we've gotta keep the NHS free forever, make sure that it's run as well as we can forever, and keep improving it. Whatever is the best way is the way we should go. It's an interesting point. Honestly, man, thank you. Thank you. I really enjoyed that conversation. Just one more question I have to ask you. You've had a hell of a career. You've got over 400 companies. - What's the worst company you've ever had? - (LAUGHTER) Cos we know about the successes. I think` We launched into the bridal market,... Is there a photo of you in a wedding dress? Was there? Yeah, there was, yeah. And it was called, um, called Virgin Brides. The problem was that... (LAUGHTER) - (APPLAUSE) - I mean, that's brilliant, isn't it? We just had no market at all, so it was just hopeless. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Richard Branson. Thank you. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Join me in part three, when we'll be talking about how your good deeds have made the world a better place. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 9 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Now it's time for some of your good deeds, all the brilliant things you've seen, you've done or someone's done for you. Now, last week you'll have seen I put a load of tenners in envelopes and left a note saying that if you found it, you were to use the money for good. Not everyone went for it. But the majority did spread a bit of joy. Terry Twos bought 48 bottles of water. And John Rostran... Presumably that's for all the people who drank the water. And finally in Good Deeds, my brother rang me and said, 'Russ, you've gotta show the world that video of the Dutch guy who laughs like a chicken.' Yes, I do. (BOTH SPEAK DUTCH, LAUGH) (LAUGHTER SOUNDS LIKE CHICKEN BAWKING) (LAUGHS, SPEAKS DUTCH) (BOTH LAUGH HELPLESSLY) - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Well done to everyone. As ever, if you find any of the Tenner For Good envelopes, please let me know what you did with them at #RHdeeds, and I'll put the best ones on the show. It's brilliant what people have done with a tenner. But I wanna step it up a gear. So this is my big plan this week. If you know someone with an idea or an invention to make the world better, then use the hashtag #RHdeeds to let me know. Doesn't matter how big or how small the idea is, get in touch. Let's do something amazing, and we'll put it on the show next week. It's gonna be absolutely great. Now, it's time for my stand-up guest of the week. Please welcome the wonderful Phil Ellis! (ROCK MUSIC, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Thank you. Thank you. Hello, I'm Phil Ellis. I'd like to use this opportunity tonight to talk to you about an issue that's very important to me, and that is the issue of diversity in the media. Yeah. (LAUGHTER) You're all looking at me going, 'But, Phil, you're about as diverse 'as Nigel Farage's dream Wetherspoons.' And you're right. It's basically, I tick two boxes, and that's I'm affordable and available. That's it. But just cos I'm a white, privileged male doesn't mean I don't have the right to discuss the issue of diversity. It doesn't matter what race you are, what gender you are, what colour or creed, don't we all have the same colour blood pumping through our veins? Yes! Exactly! (APPLAUSE) And look at you lot, you're hardly the rainbow nation. I've seen more variety on Jeremy Corbyn's tie rack. Mate, are you gonna make that any more complicated? I'm really sorry. It was just up in rehearsal. I panicked. Don't need your life story, mate, just crack on with it. So, in order to discuss diver` Mate. Two seconds! (LAUGHTER) ...I'd like to do it through the medium of song. Are you ready now? No. I'd like to do it through the` are you set up now? Yes, thank you, I'm done. Hello. And I wanna point out this isn't a double act. I'm... It's not, like, Phil and Ellis. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) He's just the hired hand. What's your name, sorry? Will. Will. Nice to meet you, Will. Thank you. This is a song that I like to call Diversity. So, uh` (SNAPS FINGERS) Will. Will. Uh, take it away. (PLAYS KEYBOARD) Diversity. # I like to sing and you like to talk. # I like to knife and you like to fork. # I write with my left hand and you write with your right. # Hey, but there ain't no wrong hand and there ain't no right. Hand. BOTH: # And that's diversity, that's the name of the game. # Ask us two white guys, cos we're all the same. # Diversity! Christ! What's this? It's the choirboy. There's no choirboy in it! The producers put him in. Nice little surprise for everyone. It was a surprise! It scared the crap outta me! Jesus! Look at him. (LAUGHTER) My God. You're a real choirboy? That was rubbish. AUDIENCE: Aww! That was` No. Why's he not speakin'? Gotta pay 'em more if they talk. All right, keep that shut, then. Just don't get involved. I appreciate you coming. Don't, please. (EXHALES) D'you know what? I can just sense you there. It's really freaking me out. Do you mind? I don't mean to be` Do you mind moving back and just face the wall or something? (LAUGHTER) OK. Now it's worse. I can see him in the monitor. Look at it. That's really disturbing. It looks like a cut scene from Don't Look Now. Can you just sit there, just sit on the ground or something, like a kid would. That's it. Can you just...? AUDIENCE: Aww! # I like Jesus and you like Vishnu. # But we all love Mohammed. With that there's no issue. At all. (LAUGHTER) BOTH: # And that's diversity, that's the name of the game. (CELL PHONE RINGS) (BANGS KEYBOARD) Sorry. I'm gonna have to take this, cos I've been waitin` I'm changing my tariff, and I've been waiting for, like, two weeks for this. Sorry. I'll be two seconds. Hello. Phil Ellis. Phil Ellis. Phil Ellis! I can't understand a word this bloke's sayin'. Why not? Foreign call centre, innit. Typical. (LAUGHTER) Can't speak a word of English. Mate, you're doing a song about diversity. You can't say that. He can't say that. Can't even say my bloody name. D'you know what? Phil Ellis! This is the most unprofessional thing I've ever been` You're an awful human being, this is terrible. Goodbye. Do it yourself. No. Don't go! I need ya! No, thank you. Not you! You understood that bit, didn't you? (LAUGHTER) I don't need you, mate! Dead wood. This is my big chance. Can't be that hard to play the keyboard, can it? Come on! # And that's divers` (LIVELY BEAT PLAYS) (PLAYS DISCORDANTLY) (LIVELY BEAT STOPS) # And that's diversi` (LIVELY BEAT PLAYS) Oh, b` Oh, really, mate? Well, it's a lot harder than it looks, actually. (PLAYS TUNE FLAWLESSLY) Pff! He can play it! (APPLAUSE) # That's diversity. That's the name of the game. # We auditioned females. They all said the same. 'No.' # Diversity, the spark that fans the flame. # And I care about this issue because I'm desperate for fame. # (PLAYS ARPEGGIO) Diversity. Thank you very much. Whoo-hoo! Yes. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) No, no. Come on, mate. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Ellis! Thank you very much for watching. Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight. Captions by Jake Ebdale and Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017