# Start talking shit, (KASABIAN'S 'ILL RAY') # You're telling me about this # I tell you about` about that # Start talking shit, you'll walk into another trap. # We got the night. # We got the world. # Into the future, I give you my word. # We got the night. # We got the world. # Into the future, I give you my` # Thank you. Hello... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - ...and welcome... - (CHEERING CONTINUES) - ...to The Russell Howard Hour. Now, did you hear about this? I couldn't believe this wasn't the biggest story of the week. Self-harm amongst teenage girls has increased by nearly 70% since 2011 according to research published in the British Medical Journal. Experts say the rise is partly due to girls' obsession with social media. How upsetting is that? Young women are cutting themselves because of social media. And to be honest, you can see why they're broken. They're constantly on display. Every picture, every moment, every thought is online, being judged. Teenage girls are desperate for likes, and they don't like themselves. It must be so awful, because I never had selfies when I was young. The only time I looked at my face was when the school photos came out,... (LAUGHTER) ...and that was harrowing enough. (LAUGHTER) - Like... - (LAUGHTER) Can you imagine, like... Ugh! Mate, I looked like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. (LAUGHTER) When you're young, you shouldn't be taking photos of your face. (IMITATES SNAPPING) 'It's not right.' (IMITATES SNAPPING) 'It's not right.' (IMITATES SNAPPING) It's never going to be right! We're English! We're ugly as fuck! We're like potatoes with eyes. That's why we developed personalities. We shouldn't be comparing ourselves to Hollywood celebs on Instagram! They've got sun and teeth! We've got drizzle and braces! And none of it's real. Everyone's photoshopped, sucking their cheeks in. I mean, look what Kim Kardashian goes through to get one selfie. Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian-West, and I'm going to give you a little tutorial on how to take the perfect selfie. For me, I know my perfect angle. It's my chin down, and I just pose away and take about 300 photos until I get the perfect selfie. 300 photos?! Fuck that! Think of all the things you could be doing instead ` dating, creating, baking,... gyrating! (LAUGHTER) Masturbating! Church-feting. The point I'm making ` social media is not as good as real life. The other day I was down in the pub with my mates ` no phones, and he was like, 'Let's play a drinking game. 'You've gotta eat a tin of sweetcorn and then drink a pint of Guinness, and the winner is whoever can poo out the longest bumblebee.' (LAUGHTER) We never had phones when I was a kid. If something amazing happened, no one took a picture. We just remembered it. And then exaggerated it. (LAUGHTER) 'Remember that time Dave had five jaegers and teabagged a lion?' The truth? My mate Dave had a cat. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) 'Remember the time there was a unicorn in the pub?' No, Pete sellotaped a dildo to his head. What I'm saying is memories are so much better than photos. A photo is just a memory with no soul. Memories bob around in your head, and then they appear and make you laugh from nowhere. I was on the train the other day, and I remembered that time at school when Lydia was trying to get her calculator to work by knocking it against the desk. And our teacher went, '(SHOUTS) Lydia! 'How would you like it if I banged you against the desk?' (LAUGHTER) And we lost our collective shit. We have to talk about self-harming. We can't be all British about it ` 'No, no, doesn't` No.' We have to discuss it, because people who turn up at A&E self-harming are about 50 to 100 times more likely to commit suicide within a year. By just talking about it, we can actually save lives. That's why I've opened the show with this, because this story barely made a dent in the news. It was page 30 in The Sun, 23 pages after an article that said 'British people are better at languages if they've had a drink'. 21 pages after a woman whose leggings goes see-through after she does squats. And on the same page as a hedgehog that goes canoeing. (LAUGHTER) Why don't we give a shit? You see people going, 'It's a cry for help!' Well, let's help them, then. If you're struggling and you're watching this, here's a phone number. It's free, and they're open 24 hours a day. And if you're a parent with a teenage girl, talk to her. Check that she's OK. Maybe get some sweetcorn and a pint of Guinness. (LAUGHTER) Don't do that. What I'm saying is it's a really important thing to talk about. And if you are a young woman and you're feeling low, here's something to cheer you up that I saw this week. Honey, I wanna show you a trick. OK. Show me a trick. See the penny? I see the penny. I'll put this bottle of water right on top of the penny. OK. And I'm going to put this over it. OK. And when I say the magic words,... Yeah? ...the penny's going to go inside the bottle. Really? Yes. OK. Let me see this happen. OK. I've got the towel on. Boogie-boogie. Boogie-boogie? Woogedy-boogedy. Woogedy-boogedy. OK. You look down in there and the penny's inside the bottle. (YELLS) (CACKLES) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now, next up ` the may be my favourite story of the week. Scottish scientists have made a monumental breakthrough. They've launched a teacake into space. (LAUGHTER) SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'One small step for man,... one giant leap for Mr Kipling.' We've actually got footage of its miraculous journey. (RICHARD STRAUSS' 'THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA' PLAYS) (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Amazing. But it's even better when you turn on the teacake's microphone. Oh, happy days. I'm higher than the time I was on the smack. SINGS: # And I will fly 500 miles, and I will fly... # Whoaaa! Spinning me about. I'm only a wee (BLEEP)ing teacake, you bastard! (BLEEP)ing hell, you sticks and (BLEEP)ing, I've got a branch sticking out my arse. Look what you did! I said I'm a teacake, not tree cake. (LAUGHTER) Pretty mouthful. - Now... - (APPLAUSE) The only thing I would say ` they put a teacake in space. How pissed off would you be if you're a Mars Bar, a Galaxy or a Milky Way? 'Oh, come on! 'We're right here!' Just a double decker in the corner. WEAKLY: 'This is worse than the time I wasn't allowed on a bus.' WHISPERS: 'I wouldn't mind going. I wouldn't mind going anywhere.' No one gives a shit what you think, Wispa. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now, this is great. Scientists haven't just been putting cakes into orbit. Look what they found out about dogs. Scientists at Portsmouth University say that our canine companions produce more facial movements when humans are paying attention to them, suggesting that they're actually trying to communicate with us. Apparently dogs are trying to talk to us. And the things they're saying are 'I'm horny', 'I'm hungry', 'walk me', and '(STRAINS) - 'Pick that up.' - (LAUGHTER) 'I know I've just trodden in it, but I'd like you to pick it up.' To be honest, it makes obvious sense. I could read a dog's mind just by looking at it. 'I just ate your cannabis plant.' (LAUGHTER) 'I really love the bake-off.' (LAUGHTER) 'I've got a gambling problem.' (LAUGHTER) And my personal favourite ` 'Sorry, mum, I shouldn't have looked under your bed.' (LAUGHTER) Now, talking of animals communicating, did you hear about this? Oh, it's lovely. Video has emerged of the joyous reaction of a 59-year-old ape when she was visited by the oldest human friend that she had during her dying days. Look at the moment she recognised him. It's absolutely beautiful. (SPEAKS SOOTHINGLY) (SCREECHES) Ja. Ja. Ja. (VOCALISES) Ja. (SPEAKS DUTCH) Mama, ja. (SPEAKS SOOTHINGLY) Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. (SPEAKS DUTCH) Mate. Oh, it's so lovely. Oh! Do you know, the best thing ` the best thing ` at the end of that, she squeezed a bottle of water into his face. (LAUGHTER) Join me after the break, when I'll be talking to one of the biggest stars on the planet. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Hello... and welcome back to the show. Let's talk housing. I was lucky enough to be younger when renting was affordable, and that meant I got to experience the joy of living with my mates. I used to live with the OCD comic Jon Richardson. It was brilliant, right ` used to hide Rice Krispies in his slippers, put the forks in the knife drawer. Listen to him cry at night. (LAUGHTER) It was so much fun. But a lot of young people don't get to live with their mates now because rents are ridiculous! And buying a house ` that's virtually impossible! We desperately need money for new homes, and yet somehow in the middle of a housing crisis, earlier this year, we agreed to give the Queen �369m of our money to do up Buckingham Palace. Why is she getting free money? The Queen isn't in social housing. She's not struggling with her mortgage. She's not living with her parents, having to have really quiet sex so she doesn't wake them up. Just (IMITATES WOMAN) 'Shh. Keep it down, Phil; keep it down.' IMITATES MAN: 'But I like to fuck loud!' The Queen... (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna hang, but I don't care. The Queen isn't renting. She's not paying through the nose for a shit hole like this. Or this. Or this. I mean, look at this place! There's a shower in the kitchen! (LAUGHTER) I doubt Buckingham Palace looks like that! The Queen's not there, 'Philip, what do you want for dinner?' And he's just in the shower, 'Chicken! '# I feel like chicken tonight. #' It's insane! Last year, in order to avoid higher rents for tenants... 309 Tory MPs voted against making houses fit for human habitation. To show you just how insane that is, here is the dictionary definition of a house. They voted against a house being a fucking house! (LAUGHTER) You can't change the meaning of words just to suit you. 'Did you eat my doughnut?' 'It's not a doughnut. It's a future poo.' (LAUGHTER) 'You're welcome.' Not only are they changing language, look at this. Tories, Labour, Lib Dems, SNP. They've all got skin in the game. How can a tenant win? 'There's a hole in my roof. I'm gonna write to my local MP.' 'I am your local MP.' - 'This house isn't fit for a human.' - 'I know! 'We passed a new law. Humans aren't humans any more. 'You're a mouse.' The level of contempt governments can have for people is shocking. Look what Nick Clegg claims David Cameron and George Osborne said to him: (AUDIENCE MURMURS) How fucking dare you treat people like that? It doesn't even make sense. 'If we give poor people stuff, they'll turn against us.' No, they won't! They'll be delighted! They're not gonna take the keys and go, (SINGS) 'Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!' The whole housing situation is a mess. Theresa May has promised to spend an extra �2 billion a year on houses. And you're like, 'Good!' Because as it stands, the Government only builds 1% of the new homes in Britain. Which means private companies are providing homes for vulnerable families, and that's why we have poor doors. Do you know what a poor door is? Right, when a company builds a big, new shiny block of flats, they have a grand entrance at the front for the rich people, and then around the back, they have a separate entrance for the affordable homes. It's shocking, innit? POSH ACCENT: 'Rich people here. Scum ` use the cat flap.' That's not social housing. That's social segregation. And all we hear is, 'We can't build enough houses. 'There's no money. There's no money.' Bullshit. Kensington and Chelsea Council had a budget surplus of 274 million. Over 60 people died in the fire at Grenfell, and hundreds more lost everything. Do you know how much it would have reportedly cost to have fire-resistant cladding? 5 grand. 5 grand. And not only did they have 274 million in the bank, but in 2015, they gave an opera group 5 million. People need sprinklers, not fucking Pavarotti. We have a housing crisis in this country. So if you're a Tory MP, a house is a fucking house. Actually, it's more than that. It's a home. It's a place to sleep and laugh and cry and love and sing and eat, and everyone needs one. And if there's money for the Queen or money in the council's bank account, then there's money to make sure something like Grenfell never ever happens again. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) What do we think? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) Now, next up, it's time ` I love these kids, man ` it's time for another edition of Playground Politics. This week, me and the children of the world discuss money. Do you know what tax is? Um, when you have to rent a car. Yep. (UPBEAT MUSIC) If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with it? Um... I'll save it. Save it? What if I were to offer you a fully trained monkey butler? (IMITATES MONKEY) 'Would you like a cup of tea?' (IMITATES MONKEY) 'You want me to hoover up your bedroom?' No. No. What would you spend it on? Servants. Servants? Nice. Would you give these servants nice clothes and nice outfits? No. OK, and what would you get the servants to do for you? Like, um, go to the bank and steal money for me. Nice. And also massage me. Yes! Yeah, I'd have a butler. What would you call that butler? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS) Buttrub? You'd call him Buttrub? No, Bertram. �82 million. What would you do if you had that money? Um, I would be rich. That's right. You'd make a jelly house? No. I mean... I wouldn't make it. I'd get a jelly house. You're gonna make it anyway? No. I don't understand what you're saying. I'm gonna` GIRL: ...get it! ...get one! You're gonna get one? Yeah, buy one, not make one! Listen, I'm no expert in this area, but I don't see jelly houses left, right and centre. No, you don't have to build it. You go get people to build it. You could pay the people to build it, and then they build it instead of you having to build it. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Do you know what tax is? Tax credit! Tax credit! A taxi. A taxi. Tax credit! and you got paid �100,... Tax credit! Tax credit! Tax credit! ...you'd pay �20 of that to the Government, and then that would help all the things in the country run. Oh... How much money do you think a footballer gets paid? Um... �55 to �100. 55` What, a week? How much do you think a fireman gets paid? Because they're saving people's lives, I bet they get paid a lot. A tenner. You think a tenner? Yeah. A 20. You think 20 pounds? Yep. Because they're saving lives they need the big bucks? Do you think footballers should be paid more? Yeah. Do you? They cut themselves when they play football. That is true. Yeah, but it isn't like a massive cut. It isn't like their leg gets chopped off. (LAUGHS) They're more important. So if a fire went out, a footballer couldn't put it out. Football people ` they just, like, run around and have fun. Whereas if you're a firefighter, it's serious cos you risk your lives for someone else's lives. Yeah, like they have special gear. (LAUGHTER) But they're risking their lives. Yeah. I really like you, Cooper. Well, I hate you. I think we could be friends. No. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Whoa, pink. Or... Finally, the kitchen. Something light. Like... Okarito? Okarito goes well with my favourite ` Opononi. (SPLASHING, YELLING) Ooh, yeah, splash of Opononi, maybe. Oh, look, Alexandra. Whoa, pink. Or... Hot Water Beach. Blue ` very relaxing. Or Alexandra. Hot Water Beach. Mm. Or Alexandra? It's like pinky, bluey. It's not very kitcheny. No, but it is pretty... nursery. Mm. Nursery? Or` Or we could go Rangitikei River. (GASPS) Oh! (LAUGHS) You little beauty! (BOTH CHUCKLE) So the nursery. The colours of New Zealand ` only from Dulux. # Into the future, . Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today is one of the biggest musicians in the world. # Baby, I'm # dancing in the dark. # with you between my arms. # Barefoot on the grass, # listening to our favourite song. # I have faith in what I see. # Now I know I have an angel in person. # And she looks perfect. # I don't deserve this. # You look perfect tonight. # Please welcome Ed Sheeran. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) You like it? You can move it around. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I didn't know they were actually newspapers. Yes, yeah. Move it around. Take what you want. Did you get them from a hoarder's house or something like that? We` yeah, we waited outside the tube and, you know, all the papers aren't handed out. We just nicked them and turned them into a little` but I like it. Like, seriously, you just take the ones`? I have no idea how they were made. I stayed at a dude's house that his dad was a hoarder, and the whole house was just newspapers, so` Who haven't you stayed with? Uh, you yet. Because` OK. Where's the invitation? OK, um. Do you want to have a sleepover around mine? (LAUGHTER) How are you with dogs? You all right with dogs? Yeah, depends on how big. A little dog. Yeah, little dogs I'm fine. Jack Russell. Yeah. Very fond of humping a pillow, but he likes you to watch. Do you know what I mean? It's very much a performance. Cool. I'm in. Have you got animals? I've got two cats, yeah. I heard that you had an otter that killed things. Yeah, well` Have you seen this headline? It's the craziest headline. It's not` There you go. Look at that. It's not my otter. Basically, my garden has a lot of wildlife in it, and I'm all up for wildlife being in my garden, so I bought a load of fish. The otter ate all the fish. And so I bought some more fish. Yeah, I'm kinda a` I think there's two otters now, and there's barn owls. There's hedgehogs. It's like` Yeah, but the otter, I can just imagine the otter sitting in a pond with a top hat and cigar, cos it's been eating expensive koi fish. I've had to start buying cheap fish now. So, you've got the poshest otter ever. It's just sat there eating sushi from Ed Sheeran's pond. Have you given him a name? I reckon Phillip. Phillip and Liz. Phillip the otter. Yeah, there you go. How's it been? Is everyone enjoying today? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I love that. That's so` It makes it sound like you came on. 'Has this been all right?' It's been` We've had fun. It's been all right. What I love about you` I've only met you` We did Jonathan Ross. Well, we were on the show. We didn't` That would've made the news. We were` (LAUGHTER) And that's an image, isn't it? But I asked you to come on the show, and you just went, 'Yeah, all right.' It's so amazing. You're, like, one of the biggest musicians in the world, and the fact that you went 'Yeah, all right.' I have a` I mean, I'm not perfect, but I have a real pet peeve when people are like, 'Hey, I'll see you next week,' and then you just never do. And I've definitely been someone that's done that, but when you were like, 'Do you want to come on the show,' and I was like, 'Yeah!' In my mind I was like, 'Well, I said yes, so I will do it.' So, yeah. Did you instantly regret saying yes? No. 'Yeah!' I didn't know` I'm a real` It's simple. I live down the road. I'm gonna be here for this interview, and then I go back, so it's not like I'm here for a big hoo-ha. So, what's happening while you're away? Is your girlfriend cooking any food? Chicken soup. Chicken soup. I dunno about that. We'll get you a Deliveroo. Yeah. Is it weird when you get a Deliveroo and people open` you open the door, and people go, 'Oh my God, it's Ed Sheeran.' No, actually, I thought it would happen more. It doesn't. They're just kinda like, 'All right.' I don't know if they don't know or they don't care, but it's one of the two. Really? Yeah. Maybe they're scared of the otter. They're just like... Yeah, I haven't got a Deliveroo in a while. I changed` I lost my bank card, and now I can't` Jesus, who... Some lucky bastard had an evening there. Can you just imagine that? 'Ed Sheeran (EXCLAIMS).' You know what, they probably did. I didn't cancel it for about two months. They probably did. Feel that, the jealousy in the room. And you arm, you can't really see, but you arm. Last time I saw you, it looked` Yeah, I've got this little plastic thing now that you can screw on and screw off. Oh, nice. And I've been having to do my hand exercises, which is horrible. But how does it work? Because presumably, are you itching to write songs? I guess what I'm asking` I've actually been writing songs. Actually in the studio today writing songs, but, like, thank you. (CHEERING) I thought, if I'm gonna be, like, not able to tour for a month, I might as well make the most of it, so I have been writing songs, but I haven't been touching instruments, so it's been more like, 'Can you play that chord, please?' And, yeah. Do you ever hum your own songs? Uh, the unreleased ones. I was, like` I like the songs that people haven't heard. I always say when I release my songs, they're no longer my songs, cos they're like` You know a song like Perfect, that you just played, is like some people's first dance or some people's first kiss. (MAN YELLS) Oh, there you go. And, you know. I feel like as soon as they're released, they belong to other people, but before they're released, they belong to me, and they're my songs, and I like them, but not that I don't like the ones that are released. It's just that when they come out, I lose that sort of connection with them, you know. Yeah. I would feel weird if I hummed Shape of You in the shower. But there might be, like, a new song that I've just written that I'll hum, you know? Yeah, yeah. Cos that's what I was thinking. Cos I love that (SINGS) I'm in love with your body. But I was thinking it would be the creepiest thing if you ever sang that to your girlfriend, wouldn't it? Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's such a great song, and we can have sex whilst it's on in the background, but if you were going (VOCALISES), it would just be like whoa. It's usually we both get drunk and sing Ronan Keating. Oh, do you? # It's amazing how you can see. It is that. That's usually what I would sing to her. Oh, really? # Third best. (LAUGHTER) So that's how you` I'm seeing him tomorrow, actually. Oh, really? I played his wedding, actually. Did you? Yeah, I played his wedding. It was good. That was another one. I met him in a bar in New York, and he was like, 'Do you want to play my wedding?' And I was like, 'All right.' And then a year later, he was like, 'My wedding's this weekend,' and I ended up doing it. It was another one I had said yes to. Who would you have playing at your wedding? Um, I dunno. There's an American singer-songwriter that toured with me called Ben Kweller that has a song that's quite special to me, but no one's heard him over here anyway. I know Ben Kweller. Yeah. Oh, you do? Yeah. But I meant` That's rude. That sounds really mean of me to say that. I mean, he's not on top-40 radio. That's what I meant. Yes. But it's your wedding. You do what you want. Yeah. Have you ever been heckled? What's the worst you've ever had? Shall I go first? Yeah. I don't think it's common in music to get heckled. I once had a dildo thrown at me at a gig in Romford. (LAUGHTER) And your` You must have had a good reply to that. It hit me in the face. I tried to dodge it like Neo from the Matrix. And my comeback was, 'How little faith did you have in this evening that you brought a sex toy?' (LAUGHTER) She was just going 'in case he's shit.' But does it not really exist? Does it not really happen in music, then? No, I dunno. You know what, like, earlier on in my career, when I had one hit single, there was the odd gig where people would just shout out 'play that song!' And you were like, 'I'll get to it. I'll play it last so you'll stay.' Yeah, yeah. But that doesn't really happen any more. . I like about you, and I mean this as a compliment. You're very normal. I think it's` (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I don't mean that in a rude way, but I like... I was thinking about you today. It sounds... I was in the bath thinking about you, but I was thinking, so you're taking a break, but what do you do for when you have downtime? What do you do? Uh... Cos you look like the kinda guy, if you don't mind me saying this, - you look like your house is a fucking mess. Like` - (LAUGHTER) But I mean that in a good way. It was. It was. I imagine there's stuff everywhere. It was before I had a female influence in my life, it was. I imagine you laid on a sofa with a TV remote just out of reach, and you're pretending you're a Jedi, just... You know what, I'm not a big TV watcher. I find myself` Honestly, in my spare time, and this sounds really boring, but music is my hobby. So in my spare time, I will go into the studio or I'll go and play a show somewhere. I'll just turn up somewhere and do` I really enjoy doing. But, actually like, other than that, I dunno. I used to make Lego, which was pretty` Someone told me that was quite weird to do. It's fine. Do you know what, I love a good pub. I love a good pub. Like, I enjoy a good fire, bangers and mash, ale. There's a drinking game I want to tell you about. Have you ever... Have you ever heard about? I mentioned this earlier in the show. Are you familiar with Bumblebee? It's a drinking game that my mate Steve invented, that basically you eat a tin of sweetcorn, you drink a pint of Guinness, and the competition is to see who can poo out the longest bumblebee. So` I have just toured with this guy that` I won't mention his name, but you can google who's just been on tour with me, you can probably guess. And he said he tried one day. He had corn for breakfast, lunch, dinner and then next day breakfast, lunch, dinner to see if he could have a all-corn shit. (LAUGHTER) And he did. Did he? Yeah, I think it's definitely a do try this at home exercise. It's that funny thing, cos everyone thinks that touring is just sex, drugs, rock and roll. It's just the idea that this bloke's testing himself. You think it's rock and roll, but, um... Ironically, the most rock and roll people that I've met are the least rock and roll people that you'd think. Like someone` Who is the most rock and roll person you've met? Do you know what, a lot of the late '90s, 2000s boy band people that I've met, like you know. Talking Five? I haven't met. Oh, I've met some of Five. No, but` Who's the wild ones? I don't wanna tell tales out of school, but I'm just saying all the people that you don't think are getting up to shit, getting up to shit. Really? Yeah. Cos, see now, we're gonna, sorta, try and guess who they are. I feel like I'm putting my foot in shit. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it. The problem is, what I found recently about coming on to do interviews, is the next day is there's four different Daily Mail headlines. I always like` Does that piss you off? I'm sure it pisses off the people that I've put under the bus, yeah. (LAUGHS) You seem like such an upbeat guy. What annoys you? What are your peeves? Entitled people. Yes. I hate` And especially, like, I find it a lot in my business. Wealthy people who think they're entitled, and so we make it a very clear thing. Most people do paid-for meet and greets, and you can sell the front seats, and there's a VIP package, and we've always been very vocal about not doing that, because I think it's` Correct. Well, yeah` Absolutely. I just think it's a bit weird to offer someone whose dad's richer the chance to do something that you` Yeah. That's what pisses me off, and when people come and be like, 'I'll buy the front row. I'll give you this amount of money.' And you're like, 'No.' Yeah, completely. And that's what pisses` people that think they can just buy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Are you interested in politics? Is that something that`? Yeah, I'm very` Personally, I am. Professionally, I stay out of it. I think, you know, my job is to make... I think it's to encourage people to be aware and to take an interest in it, but not tell them how to think. I think that's, you know` I'm not gonna be like` Very eloquently put. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I feel like music is people's escape from that, you know. There's political music that you can listen to, but I've never made a political song in my life, and I don't think people look to me for that. But I guess that's the thing, isn't it? It was a big summer. It was a huge summer this year, with the election and things like Grenfell happening, and a moment like Glastonbury, that's a moment of pure escapism for everyone, cos, you know, people can watch you smash a massive gig, and it's just a whole night of 'Yay'! There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. How scary was that ` headlining Glastonbury? Pretty` How many shits did you have before the gig? Come on, you must have been absolutely bricking it. Probably one or two, yeah. Probably one solid and one not so solid. But do you have any pre-gig rituals? No, I used to` I gave up smoking in May for the first time. I had actually never given up smoking. Wow. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I smoked for 13 years. You must have been dying for a fag before that? No, but that's the thing. Man, do you know what it was? I don't know if anyone's given up smoking here before, but the thing that did it for me was I went out` It was my girlfriend's birthday, and we stayed up quite late with one of our friends, and we just chain-smoked, must have had about 60 cigarettes. I was just rolling and smoking, rolling and smoking, and I woke up the next day, and I was like, 'I've reached my limit.' Oh, really? I can't take any more, and then I just didn't do it again. - I was a bit like that with mini cheddars. - (LAUGHTER) You just ruined them? I used to love mini cheddars as a young man, and then when I was 8, I just turned to mum and said, 'It has to stop now.' Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that with ice cream. Do you? I entered an ice cream eating contest in America. Whereabouts? It's in Rhode Island, and I am quite a competitive person, and I went into this ice cream place, and there was this challenge, and there was two quite obese people on the wall that had done it. And I was like, 'I could fucking do that.' And it was` I can't remember how much it was,... It was a huge, huge, huge bowl, and I finished it. Did you? Yeah, and it took me half an hour to finish it, and it kinda` You could feel it come up to here, and I was shivering by the end of it, but I was with` So you are on that wall? Well, listen` So, yeah, I am on the wall and I've got the T-shirt, yep. And it was near Taylor Swift's house, and I was with Taylor. And whenever Taylor goes anywhere, so do 40 teenage girls, so I'm kinda eating this with, like, 40 teenage girls, 'You can do it! You can do it!' And I was like, 'Yeah, I'll do it, do it.' And then I finished and I took the picture and everything, and then I was like, 'Oh, it's not staying down.' And I ran into the toilet and grabbed my mouth, and it just projectiled out of my nose, all over the toilet floor. Now what does melted chocolate ice cream on a toilet floor look like? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) Particularly` You've got 40 teenage girls outside with their phone cameras, and I'm like, 'What do I do?' They're just gonna think that I couldn't control` like I had a bad curry or something. So, yeah, I just spent another hour mopping it up with towels. Yeah. That was a perfect way of ending the interview. Do you know what, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. - It was an absolute pleasure. - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Ed Sheeran. Thanks, mate. So brilliant. Join me after the break, when I'll be checking out your good deeds. . (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Hello! And welcome back to the show. It's time to look at your good deeds, all the great things you've seen and sent in to the show this week. Now, Tash tweeted me to say... (LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES) Saify got in touch to say she... Hero. Ross Suttie tweeted he... And finally, Emily tweeted to say... He is brilliant. I had to share this video of him with you. London is my home. London is what made who I am today. When I come to England to better my life, you know what I mean? In Jamaica, the opportunity wasn't there and everything. I just see myself as another human being, who loves people, who gravitates towards people. A very special yabba-dabba-doo Scooby Doo good morning. Good morning to you beautiful people. Service of the day. Everything personal. Yeah, the vibes are nice, you know? Victoria station is my home, you know? And the people that come through are my family, you know? And when you come there, we just come together, and we just collide together as one, you know? Get on board. This is a regular train. Driver, it's your time now. I do it for the humour effect. A little bit of that and a little bit of that, you know? Make some plans for your weekend. When are you gonna hit the clubs? Maybe go out for some rum and coke, some vodka and rum. With a slice of pineapple in it and an umbrella. Even if you're going home to watch (INDISTINCT) and EastEnders, level the vibes. It's something I do easily, communicating with people, reaching out to people, you know what I mean? Beautiful people. Beautiful vibes. Come this way, my brethren. Here, rude boy, bus them shows. They're my family, you know? I've been blessed by god to meet the people I'm meeting on a day-to-day basis, you know what I mean? Picked up your chest. One love. Nice to come. Nice to come. Spice on top, you know? Show the masses some love, you know? I smile. You smile. The whole world smile. All we have to do is just see the best in each other and try and get the best out of each other. Enjoy your life and be happy. And don't let no one become sad and blue. Remember life is still beautiful for that, you know? You have to make that choice to be happy. Everybody have happiness inside them. But you got to activate it, you know? Seeing the joy that I can bring to the people and knowing that I've made a positive impact on their life and in their day, that's what makes me happy. When you look what's going on in life, it's not easy out there. If you can make someone's day better, maybe just a smile or a kind word, you got to do what you got to do, and by making someone else's day a better day, your day automatically work out to be a brighter and better day. Boom-shaka-lak, natural fact. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) What a legend. So sweet, innit? It's so great. I've literally never seen anyone smile on the tube ever, and he's making them happy. Now, as always, if you've done something to brighten up someone else's day, get in touch, let me know, using the hashtag... and I'll put it on the show. Now it's time for my guest of the week. Please welcome the brilliant Rob Auton! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) My name's Rob Auton. I'm on tour at the moment. Just doing one night. (LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT) Tonight. Thanks for coming. I saw an interview recently with Kylie Minogue, and she was talking about the art of live performance. And according to Kylie Minogue, all you've got to do in any live performance situation is you've got to make every single person in the audience, you've got to make them feel like they've been seen and you've looked at them. And that's it. That's the key to any live performance. So I am trying it. I've never been to a Kylie Minogue concert before. But I imagine they are exactly like this. There's a lot of people here tonight. A lot of people who've got hair on them. I've got eyebrows. Eyebrows play a key role in non-verbal communication. There are many things I cannot say as well as my eyebrows, such as 'are you sure?' Which is... 'I wouldn't do that if I were you.' Which is... If I didn't have eyebrows, I would have to say, 'Hello, sweet cheeks.' Instead of... I was speaking to my mum about going to my girlfriend's parent's house for Christmas. And she said, 'Well, Rob, what are gonna do about your hair?' I said, 'What do you mean what am I gonna do about it?' And she said, 'Well, Rob, you need to look smart at Christmas.' I said, 'Mum, what do you think...' 'Jesus would think of you telling me to get my hair and beard cut off' 'for his big birthday bash.' (LAUGHTER) And Mum said, 'Well, Rob, you look like Jesus.' And I said, 'No, Mum, I look like a picture of Jesus that you have seen.' (APPLAUSE) We don't know what he looked like. Jesus might have had a fringe or a basic cut. And Mum said, 'Oh, come on, Rob, please have a shave. First impressions and all that.' I said, 'What do you mean first impressions?' She said, 'First impressions last.' I said, 'Do they? Well, if they do, I'm a baby to you.' 'I'm naked, covered in blood, bald all over and screaming in your face, is that what it's like, Mum?' And she said, 'Yeah! Every day, Rob. Please make it stop! 'Oh, just have a shave, will you? We've got you some Gillette for Christmas` (GASPS) 'Oh, no, I mean Father Christmas has.' I said, 'Yeah, I'll pretend I didn't hear that, shall I?' 'I'll tell you what, I will have a shave, though... 'if a shaving company bring out a razor that's a small combine harvester, 'only that you can push/drive around your face. 'One with the blades that go round and round and round and round, 'and at the end of your shave, you get a rectangular bale of beard.' I would definitely be getting that razor. You know, I used to be a bit more... upbeat than this. I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel. But it's not. Right, that's the end of my set. So, to cut a long story short, the end. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, the wonderful Rob Auton. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Thank you for watching the show. Good night, my friends. Good night! Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017