(KASABIAN'S 'ILL RAY (THE KING)') # Wow, you're telling me about this. I tell you about, about that. # Stop talkin' shit. You walk into another trap. # We got the night. We got the world. # Into the future, I give you my word. - (AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS) - Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh. Oh! Thank you very much. Hello! And welcome to the Russell Howard Hour ` another week, another political harassment scandal. Labour MPs have been sexting. Tory MPs have been groping. And it cost the defence secretary his job. It's reported that Sir Michael Fallon was forced to quit as defence secretary after cabinet colleague Andrea Leadsom complained to the prime minister about his alleged behaviour. According to reports, Michael Fallon said to Andrea Leadsom... Not only is that a creepy abuse of power,... it doesn't make any sense! Who likes cold hands on their bollocks?! (GRUNTS) 'I know where you can put your hands. (SQUEALS) Yeah, that's it!' (SQUEALS, YELLS) 'Oh, it's shrinking by the second!' And it's not just Michael Fallon. There are so many rumours swirling around Parliament, a spreadsheet was made with some shocking details in it. FEMALE NEWSREADER: 36 Tory MPs accused by aides of inappropriate sexual behaviour. In a spreadsheet compiled by aides themselves, allegations include being 'handsy at parties', 'perpetually intoxicated' and inappropriate with women, even one who paid a woman to be quiet. It's relentless. Apparently... They are meant to be dealing with Brexit, and they're like, 'Piss on me, Buntie!' (BLUBBERS AGGRESSIVELY) 'Treat me like I'm a pregnancy test!' Now, we shouldn't be surprised by all this sleaze. In 2015... No wonder they're asleep in the House of Commons! (CHUCKLES) They're all wanked out! Just like... GRUNTS IN POSH ACCENT: 'I would fix the country, but my balls ache.' Christ. All this filth. It makes you nostalgic for the good old days, when all that happened was Cameron teabagged a pig. What... - (LAUGHTER) What have we become?! Feels weird, though, doesn't it? Feels like the world is changing. Like, sexual harassment is such a big talking point that Newsnight did a show this week dedicated to it. We've chosen to give the subject the full studio treatment. How are men behaving towards women? And what are women now prepared to say about it? They surveyed people about what they thought was and wasn't sexual harassment, and the results were fascinating. I mean, look at this. Trying to take a photograph up a woman's skirt ` 96% said yes, that is sexual harassment. - Now, what I wanna know... - (LAUGHTER) Who are the 4%...? (LAUGHTER) 'Yeah, that's fine, innit? It's absolutely fine. (IMITATES CAMERA CLICK) What's wrong with that? 'What, you can't take a picture of a woman's fanny without her gettin' upset? 'Political correctness gone mad!' There's more. Look at this. Looking at a woman's breasts ` 50% thought that is harassment. 50% of people thought that wasn't allowed, and those people are called women. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - It's so weird! It's not just staring. Some people think this is OK. Wolf-whistling. 38% ` fewer than half ` thought that was harassment. 62% of people thought it was OK to see a woman and go (WOLF-WHISTLES). One ` it isn't. And two ` not only is that creepy, it has never, ever, ever worked. Not once! Never! (WOLF-WHISTLES) No woman has ever gone, 'Me?! 'Me?! CACKLES: 'Me!' Just insane. - (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now,... - (LAUGHTER) ...this one... this one really got me. Most people didn't think this was dodgy either. The man placing his hand on a woman's lower back ` 37% thought that was harassment. It is. It's really simple, innit? Small of the back ` lechy. Touch your boobs ` pervert. Grab your pussy ` president. - (LAUGHTER) That's how it works. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) It's not just UK politics. Did you hear about Kevin Spacey? The American actor and producer Kevin Spacey has apologised after being accused of making sexual advances towards a teenage actor in the 1980s. The actor made a statement on social media after Anthony Rapp revealed details of the alleged incident, saying it had prompted him to declare he was now living as a gay man. His decision to refer to his sexuality in his apology has upset LGBT campaigners, who say it's irrelevant and he's using it to try to deflect attention from the allegation. Fuckin' right, it is! He was accused of sexual abuse, and he went, 'I'm gay!' That's got nothing to do with it! 'Why did you punch that owl?' 'Because I am a lesbian!' You can't use your sexuality to get out of a crime! You don't see Alan Carr robbing banks. AS ALAN CARR: 'I can't help it ` I'm a cock-a-holic!' (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) - Such a pathetic excuse. And it's not the only thing he's been accused of. He allegedly... Or, as The Sun put it,... (READS IN BROAD ACCENT) However you put it, that is weird! Showing your dick, and then giving them presents?! It's like a pervert Santa, just... 'Here's my cock. Have a Rolex.' 'Fancy some cufflinks? (SINGS) # Holidays are comin', holidays are comin'.' The only positive to come out of this is that Spacey has been sacked from his Netflix show House of Cards. At least a fictional president lost his job for sexual abuse. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Talking of Trump ` how great was this? FEMALE NEWSREADER: The 'Twitter president' is taken offline. An employee on his final day at work goes rogue and deactivates Donald Trump's account. (CHUCKLES) What a... hero. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Ah, brilliant. It was... It was his last day at work, and he deleted Trump's Twitter. For 11 glorious minutes, Trump did not exist. Trees were bloomin', cats were hugging mice, people were gettin' out of wheelchairs like (VOCALISES MIRACULOUS MUSIC). That man will never have to buy a drink again. The Evening Standard wanted to give him a Nobel Peace Prize! The only way that could've been better is if they took over Trump's account and sent these tweets. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) - And my personal favourite... I mean, come on. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) It's not just Twitter. It feels like the beginning of the end for Trump's presidency. Did you hear what happened to his former campaign manager? The official inquiry into allegations of Russian meddling in last year's US presidential election has produced its first charges. President Trump's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, has been charged with money laundering and conspiracy against the United States. Manafort is in real trouble. He's gonna get the grilling of his life, and he struggles with basic questions. So, to be clear ` Mr Trump has no financial relationships with any Russian oligarchs? That's what he said. I` I` That's what I` That's obviously what the position is. SLURS, STAMMERS: 'Right, you said he's bad` and he's` um... 'Oh look. A rainbow.' - (LAUGHTER) And that wasn't the only arrest in the investigation. George Papadopoulos, a former foreign policy adviser to Donald Trump during the election campaign, has admitted lying to the FBI. Straight away, Trump was like, (AS TRUMP) 'Never heard of him. He was the coffee boy. '"Papa-who-the-fuck-alup", that's what I call him ` if indeed I've met him, which I haven't. 'I don't know George or his wife, Sandra. 'You show me one photo of us working together. 'OK, fine. But it's not like I ever spoke about the guy.' (LAUGHTER) AS TRUMP: 'Well, I am in a river of shit.' And it's about to get worse for Trump. Listen to this. Papadopoulos, between July and October, was wearing a wire. He was recording conversations secretly with people who were subjects and targets of this investigation. He may have been wearing a wire around Trump. In a world exclusive, our little show has actually got hold... of one of those tapes. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Come on. Now,... back in the UK, look at the pointless advice we were given on Good Morning Britain. Do white people need instructions on how to talk with black and Asian colleagues about race? No. (CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHTER) But for some reason, a booklet ` you will not believe this ` a booklet has been made telling white people how to talk to ethnic minorities, and it contains helpful advice that nobody would ever fucking need! So, here are some of the tips in the booklet. It says... (LAUGHTER) Who is doing that at work?! 'Hello!' - (LAUGHTER) 'What do you mean, this isn't allowed?' Also, who was doin' that at school?! There were no black girls at my school like, 'Come on, rub away!' 'Good day at school, Rav?' 'Yeah, Sarah let me touch her weave.' It's so insane. They weren't just giving out advice about hair touching. Look at this helpful tip. Don't ask any woman what they're wearing under their dress! You wouldn't go up to a nun and go, 'What we dealin' with, Sister?' - (LAUGHTER) 'Oh. 'Oh. You waxin' it, girl? What's goin' on? 'Heeey. 'Ohhh. (LAUGHTER) 'Do you wanna watch? Do you wanna have a watch?' Now, the final bit of advice was the one that really got me. And avoid questions like, 'Where do you really come from?' because it's offensive. I once saw the best answer to that question, right. This bloke went up to a black guy and went, 'Where you from?' And the guy went, 'Leeds.' And he went, 'Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ` originally.' And this bloke went, 'Ohhh. 'My mum's vagina.' (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Oh! So good! Now, my favourite news story this week came from the bible of truth ` the Sunday Sport. An old lady wanted to get a tattoo of the astrologer Russell Grant. But instead, the tattooist accidentally gave her a tattoo of me. Was the old lady happy? Not really. (READS IN NASAL ACCENT) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Like... (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER) It's incredible, right? Look at that tattoo. Look at it. Look at that, man. - (LAUGHTER) Like, I know... I mean, my eyes are bad. But that isn't a lazy eye. That is an` That is an eye in a coma! Also, why am I horribly burnt?! It looks like they've put me under a George Foreman grill. Now, join me after the break when I'll be talking to 94` Hey. - (LAUGHTER) I'll be talking to 94-year-old Harry Leslie Smith,... - (LAUGHTER) ...who is determined to not let us repeat the mistakes of his generation. (ENERGETIC MUSIC) 1 Hello, and welcome back to the show. Let's talk children's toys. I was in a shop this week, looking at kids' pyjamas. Now, that's... - (LAUGHTER) - I know that sounds dodgy, but I was with my 5-year-old cousin. Anyways, we were looking at these pyjamas, and on the boys' one it said, 'I wanna be a superhero,' and on the girls' one it said, 'I wanna be a princess.' And it struck me ` why can't girls be superheroes? Why is it so hard to buy a present for a girl that isn't patronising and shit? Cos you look at boys' toys, and the adverts are all like, (SING-SONGY) 'Kill that. Be a winner. 'Climb the thing. Use your brain. 'Rule the world, cos you're a motherfucking boy, yeah!' Girls' adverts ` it's just a blizzard of pink. Let's get creative with your nails. Add dots, hearts or stripes. Orbeez Soothing Spa ` when you need time to relax. # Shopkins, Shopkins! # Stationery, homewares ` it's a whole world of shopping cuteness. # I'm gonna start my own clothing line. # Welcome to my salon. You can share your pictures and get lots of likes from friends. Say hello to fashion. Say hello to shoes ` lots of shoes. MOCKINGLY: Don't use your brains, girls; just be pretty. The message we give girls is so toxic. I mean, look at this. This is a boys' laptop, which has 50 functions. The girls' one has 25. Why's it got half as many? You wouldn't give a girl a bike with one wheel. 'Where've you been, Jenny?' 'Nowhere.' And they say women can't multitask. That's bullshit. My mum can cook dinner, feed the dogs, watch Strictly and skype my sister all at the same time. My dad ` he can't even take a shit and shut the door. 'All right there, Russ?' 'Not really, Dad. I don't wanna see you shitting yourself.' Also, a man's laptop doesn't need 50 functions; it just needs one ` delete history. Men have so much grot on their laptops and phones. There's gonna be a whole generation of men whose dying words are, 'Restore factory setting.' And it's not just toys, it's everywhere. Look at the messages in nursery rhymes. The boys are always the winners. The girls get nothing. Old MacDonald had a farm. Mary had a little lamb. The Grand Old Duke of York had 10,000 men. GRUFFLY: Polly, put the kettle on! Jack climbed a beanstalk. What did the old woman do? Lived in a shoe. At least they tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. If that had been a woman, they'd have turned her into a fucking omelette. There are either witches or princesses. You can be pretty and win or ugly and fail. Clothes are even worse. Look at the kind of message you get on a Babygro for boys. Here's a girls' one. - (AUDIENCE GASPS, GROANS) - Who buys that for their kid?! Who body shames a toddler? No 2-year-old hates their thighs, because they're two! I've never seen a toddler in front of a mirror like that. IMITATES TODDLER: I'm not sandpit-body ready. Just in a nappy, 'Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. 'Does my bum look big in this?' It's ridiculous. Toddlers have got bigger issues to worry about, like how to use a slide. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) And I know there will be people going, 'Stop moaning about this, Russ. 'Little girls like being pretty. Always have, always will.' Maybe you're wrong. Maybe, over time, stuff like this slowly destroys their confidence. Maybe that's got something to do with the fact that when they're little, boys get tops that say ` and girls get hats that say ` Think of the message that sends! 'Boys, you can do anything. Girls, if you're really lucky, 'one day you'll fuck Wayne Rooney.' And then he'll fuck your nan. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) What I'm saying is, the toys we play with when we're kids can play a big role in what jobs we get when we're older. For example... Toys with a science focus are three times more likely to be targeted at boys. We shouldn't be telling girls to look pretty. We should be encouraging them to create, build, solve, explore. So that when they're older, they have the confidence to get the kind of jobs we need. Right now,... We need more women in science. Think about it. Why would you want to discourage half the population from doing jobs that can make the world better? Little girls could grow up and cure cancer, reverse climate change, or, finally, create a self-closing door so I don't have to watch my dad take a shit. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) The point I'm making ` if there's any toy manufacturers watching this, stop reinforcing these bullshit stereotypes. We shouldn't be telling little girls to hate their thighs, or giving them half a laptop while making toys like Pole Dance Polly. And we definitely shouldn't be saying they can't be superheroes, because they can! I mean, look at this little legend teach a boy what a girl can be. Just watch me for this bit. Watch me. Out on the grass, Eva is teaching Jude some karate moves to shake up his idea of what little girls are really made of. INTERVIEWER: Why can't girls be scientists? Because they make silly potions. I 'detracted' the DNA from a banana once. This is your front kick. (EXCLAIMS) (EXCLAIMS) INTERVIEWER: What's important for girls when they grow up? To go to work and vote, definitely. (EXCLAIMS) Girls used to not vote, but there were these girls who 'fighted' to vote. They were very silly women, cos they got killed. (EXCLAIMS) So it's very important for girls to vote, otherwise that will happen again. (EXCLAIMS) (EXCLAIMS) I think Eva has earned his respect, and he's following her and trying to learn from her. Come on. No, I say it. Oh. (GIGGLES) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now, that is a superhero. Now it's time for a fresh edition of Playground Politics. This week me and the children of the world discussed celebrity. # When will I, will I be famous? # Would you like to be famous when you're older? BOTH: Yes. BOTH: Yes, yes, yes, yes. (UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC) What for? For singing. Singing? Yeah, I don't really like to sing in front of people I don't really know. It's gonna be difficult, that, isn't it? I would like to be like Justin Bieber and One Direction. I want to make my own band up. What kind of songs? Some... Yeah. (SPANISH MUSIC) Who do you like that's famous? Who's your hero? One of my favourite singers is One Direction. One Direction. They've split up, haven't they? Yeah, but they said they were gonna get back together. I've met Harry Styles. Really?! Yeah. If I see Harry, what should I say? Thank you for getting back together. Thank you for getting back together? But they haven't got back together yet. But they are. OK. If I could have the chance to be on one TV show, I would actually pick to be on House Hunters Renovation, and I would totally not pick to be on the Bachelor, because that looks so stupid from the ads I've seen for it. Do you know who Ant and Dec are? No. Let me tell you. Ant and Dec are two little fellows that live in England. Aww. I know, yes. And the two little fellows come out. They are very cute, indeed. And you want to stroke them, and they` They are Britain's pets, in many ways. I would like to be famous, but not in a way that I would be, like, a pop star. I would want to be, like, a doctor or a scientist who found a cure for diabetes, or something like that. That's a brilliant answer. Do you know who Kim Kardashian is? BOTH: Yes. What do you think he's like? What does Kim Kardashian do? Uh, I think maybe he makes movies or shows. I don't know. He's made one movie, and that's why he's famous. Who's your favourite famous person? (GASPS) I know who. You. Thank you very much. My guest this week is a war veteran, a campaigner and an inspiration, and he's 94 years old. My character has been forged by the experiences I witnessed during the Second World War. As the war drew to a close, I thought I had seen everything and believed nothing could surprise me when it comes to the cruelty of so-called civilised men. But when my unit arrived in Hamburg as part of the occupation army in May 1945, I encountered, in their thousands, refugees from the war who had fled the advancing Soviet Army and the victims of Hitler's Holocaust against the Jews. Last November, I travelled to Calais to see the jungle for myself. I met those refugees seeking entry into Britain, and a life free from wars of their homelands. It wasn't a pretty place, and it reminds me, sadly, too much of how the world looked 71 years ago. Today, politicians in Britain have turned their back on humanity, which is as brutal as averting your eyes from a sinking ship. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the author of 'Don't Let My Past Be Your Future', Harry Leslie Smith. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you very much for coming on the show, Harry. It's my pleasure. Now, there's many reasons I love you. The first is I've interviewed many people down the years. I have never had an email the day before from a person saying, 'I will be wearing a leather jacket,' (LAUGHTER) and I love that. You'd be surprised how cold it gets for an old fella. (LAUGHTER) But not only protected from the cold, but you look pretty fly. (WHOOPING) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Well, you know, you've gotta keep your appearance up. (LAUGHTER) So, tell me about` You went to the Calais Jungle. What was that like? Well, quite honestly, I was in a wheelchair when I went into the Calais gateway, and after a little while, a crowd of refugees came around, and they wanted to lift me up in the chair and carry me through the jungle. Oh, wow. It sounds like that bit in Star Wars when they go mad over C3PO. (LAUGHTER) It's always frightening to see people living under those terrible conditions. So, tell me about your book. My book describes the type of life I led from being born to the present day. Wow. It is about a life that ordinary workers endured from the 1920s to 1932, at least. It was a frightful thing. Hunger was a daily occurrence. It was a terrible time. I remember getting up in the morning, my sister going to the cupboard, and turning around and saying, 'No good, Harry, it's empty.' On no food in the morning, I would tramp to school, and my stomach was just crying out for some sustenance. Wow. And do you find it` It's so sad that what you're describing now, we did a bit on the show a couple of weeks ago about malnutrition in English schools now. Does that astonish you, that we're in the same mess that you were in when you were young? It astonishes me and it frightens me. Yeah. Because I see a return to those bad olden days that I remember so well. Unless we wake up to reality, that we cannot be feeding our people with the use of food banks, which are increasing daily. I'm not a politician, I'm not a journalist, Yes. I'm just an ordinary man who is disgusted at how Britain has gone downhill so fast and furious. Yeah. That's what the world needs ` it needs ordinary men screaming from the top of their lungs to fix it. If I was 94, I'd probably be sat on my arse watching UK Gold, asking nurses, 'Bring me chocolate, bring me chocolate.' (LAUGHTER) And yet, you're out there trying to help us, trying to talk to young people. It doesn't take a lot of work, it's that you have to get together and form groups, join unions, join anything that lets you discuss what's happening in the country today. It's just nonsense that we can let governments get away with what they do. Yeah. We have to feel that we're one unit, one strong people. That we were always, we have always kicked arse, and somehow or another, we've forgotten how to do that. And you're the man to show us how to kick arse again. (LAUGHTER) I love it. It just feels like we're about to go into battle and you're on a horse in front of us, just circling. (LAUGHTER) Beautiful. Yeah. I hope that I reach your age, and I hope that I have the same fire in my heart that you have. I had an uncle that lived to be 102,` Oh, wow. So you're a spring chicken. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) And he went down to the pub every lunchtime for a pint. So not only was he 102, he's probably lost a lot of those years as well. (LAUGHTER) Just for being hammered. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Yes, that's right. So do you think that's the secret? He was a miserable old bugger too. Was he? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) There's nobody like the Brits for expressing their disappointment, so what's going on? Well, I love` You're very good at expressing your feelings, particularly where the NHS is concerned. There's a beautiful tweet we have here of you talking about Jeremy Hunt. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) That really says it all. (LAUGHTER) And of course you're` The reason, probably, why the NHS is so dear to you, is that you were born before it existed. Like, we don't know what it's like to not have that. What was it like before the NHS? If you had money, you could see a doctor or go to a hospital. If you didn't have money, you just had the local cures, which, of course, were not for the type of diseases that were spreading at that time. There was tuberculosis. Now, my sister contracted it, one of my sisters, Marian, and she was a cripple for most of her young life. We pushed her around in a long cart made out of bamboo, and as a young boy, I used to sit beside her playing with my toys, and I would talk to her, but she couldn't speak because it had wrecked her throat muscles. (VOICE BREAKS) It` It was really a very great tragedy. My mother looked after her for years, until in the end, she said to my dad, she said, 'I'm sorry. I just can't look after her any more.' So he called a horse and cart and put her in the back and took her to the work house infirmary, and she died there. She was 15 or so. And we didn't have money to bury her, so she was thrown into a pauper's pit which was` we couldn't afford to plot. It's a real tragedy. Yeah. And, strangely enough, my father ended in a pauper's pit in this city. And now, now his son on TV trying to make the world a better place. I'm` (CHUCKLES) Maybe there's` This is classic Howard to try and find hope in sorrow, but we can't go back to the old days where if you have money, you live. Yeah. And if you don't have money, you die. That's the old whole secret of the NHS. Now, the final thing, you're 95 in February. What are you gonna do? How are you gonna celebrate? Ooh. We always celebrate, my son and I. I thought we'd celebrate early, actually. I've got you some sherry here. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) I thought we'd have a little toast. Ladies and gentlemen, to Harry Leslie Smith! There you are, sir. (RAUCOUS APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Mmm. It's all right, innit? Boy, oh, boy. Yeah. (LAUGHTER) Should we go out out? (LAUGHTER) I haven't been treating myself enough, I remember now. Yeah. (LAUGHTER) Well, we've got a bottle in your dressing room. I really enjoyed that. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you did, the wonderful Harry Leslie Smith. (RAUCOUS APPLAUSE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Join me after the break to see what good deeds you've been up to. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to the show. Now, it's time for your good deeds where we look at the wonderful things you've seen and wanted to share this week. Leon Barney tweeted me... 'She saw.' (LAUGHTER) Ben Capener got in touch to say,... (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) I mean, they've got the eyes right They didn't get the skin tone. (LAUGHTER) I look like a Picasso poo emoji. (LAUGHTER) There's a lovely one here from Dale. Pretty sweet. AUDIENCE: Aw. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And finally, we can talk about heroes this week, so I wanted to share this inspirational story. My name is Gerard Murphy, I'm 22, and I'm a C5 tetraplegic. In the early hours of July the 30th, I got a call to say my brother had been in an accident. He dived into a lake in Sweden and hit his head on a rock, fracturing his spine, leaving him paralysed in both legs, hands, and wrists. After being moved between three hospitals, he's been given a bed at the National Spinal Injuries Centre in Stoke Mandeville. Here, Gerard is getting the rehabilitation for his new life ahead. He tells me that the positivity from everyone around him is what keeps him going. In reality, especially for my family, it's the other way around. No. Very early on, I turned round to myself and I said, 'There is no point getting upset.' There is no point looking back and thinking, 'Oh, if I'd jumped slightly to the left or slightly to the right of that rock,' 'or if I decided to jump in, if I hadn't been at that bar that night,' 'if I hadn't gone to Sweden.' It's almost irrational to think that. As someone who spent most of their teens arguing and playing football with Gerard, I know it's his competitive side driving him forward. Using my iPad screen as a mirror. He just sees this as another challenge. I won't let it change me. To be honest, a lot of the everyday tasks... I kinda look at them like a Play Station game, which is really funny, like, learning to, I don't know, push myself or to eat. So it's a bit of a game. Gerard is already making quick progress in his recovery. He can now feed himself and use a specially adapted wheelchair on his own. I can wheel around myself and turn round corners. I'm getting there. And it's` It will be a long journey, but it's one I'm looking forward to. Thank you. I love you too. Although there have been difficult moments, every time I see Gerard's infectious smile, it reminds me that the boy I shared a room with growing up has turned out to be my own hero. (APPLAUSE) What a guy. Now, who is your hero? Tweet me, let me know, using the hashtag ` #RHdeeds, and I will put that hero on the show. Now, it's time for my stand-up guest of the week. Please welcome the wonderful Paul Chowdhry! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Assalamu Alaikum, my brothers and sisters. (LIGHT LAUGHTER) Welcome to the conversion. (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) Just grew a bit of a beard. You've got a nice beard there, Dave. How long did they take you to grow, man? Nine years. Nine years?! (LAUGHTER) I grew this on the walk up. (LAUGHTER) We're hairy people, innit? Have a look at her. (LAUGHTER) She's pretty fit. (LAUGHTER) I've got that kind of like 'Straight out of Syria' look. I've got that one-way ticket look. (LAUGHTER) Doesn't help, though, cos I get a call from me agent the other day, IMITATES WOMAN: 'Hi, Paul, Newsline have called up, they want to talk to you about what it's like 'being a Muslim?' Yeah, I'm not Muslim. (LAUGHTER) 'No, but they want to talk to you what it's like growing up being a Muslim.' Yeah, I didn't grow up being a Muslim. (LAUGHTER) 'Yeah, but they want to talk to you about all the Muslim things ` 'the things that you did about being Muslim and all the things that you could do being Muslim, 'what it's like being a Muslim.' I said, 'Why don't you just find a Muslim comedian to talk to about this stuff. 'I'm the wrong person to talk about this kind of shit, you know what I mean?' (LAUGHTER) 'Don't worry, Paul. They'll find someone else. It's only �1000. (LAUGHTER) I said, 'You know what? Assalamu Alaikum, my brothers and sisters.' (LAUGHTER) Inshallah. (APPLAUSE) It effects my life. I mean, I remember when Westminster Bridge happened, I got a notification on my Facebook account ` (SQUEAKY VOICE) 'Hi, Paul, can you mark yourself as safe?' What? All right. 'Hi, guys, Paul Chowdhry, just to let you all know, 'I'm safe.'' I was in Scotland at the time. (LAUGHTER) Well, that was my alibi. (LAUGHTER) 'But Paul Chowdhry...' (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) (WOMAN LAUGHS) Guess what? I got three likes. (LAUGHTER) Technically, I just survived a terrorist attack. I got three bastard likes! (LAUGHTER) I would've got more likes if I died! (LAUGHTER) Oh my God, he's dead! 'Like, like, like, like, like, like, like.' He survived? 'Oh, fuck him!' In fact, the terrorist who died in that attack got more likes than me. I looked on his page, he got 600 or 700 likes. I was so pissed off man! I just pressed, 'Unfriend.' (LAUGHTER) That's the problem. It's effecting my life. Like ISIS, they claim everything now, though, innit? (IMITATES) 'We did it.' No, you didn't. 'George Michael? We did it.' (LAUGHTER) 'Harambe? We did it.' (LAUGHTER) What? You killed a gorilla in America a year ago? We had a similar situation in London, didn't we? Gorilla busted out of the cage in London Zoo, started walking about and shit. Cos we don't kill gorillas in this country, they got rights. Start walking, 'They can't do shit to me, bruv, innit?' 'What they gonna do, cuz?' You know what the gorilla did? Walked into the kitchen and drank 16 litres of undiluted Ribena. (LAUGHTER) That is some gangster shit right there. (LAUGHTER) You ever try drink a glass of undiluted Ribena? That will finish you off straight. He's like, 'If I'm going out, I'm going out with diabetes, innit?' (LAUGHTER) They can't do shit to me, cuz. In America, do you remember that Harambe ` the kid dropped in. People were like, 'Oh my God, they shouldn't have shot the gorilla, 'they should've shot the parents.' It's a good idea, innit (?) Let's shoot the parents. Now the kid's got two dead parents and he's living with a fucking gorilla. (LAUGHTER) I swear ISIS ain't helping anything. This is the whole thing. I know it must be hard for the police to find these kind of culprits in this country. There's a guy responsible for the London Bridge attacks. His name was Khuram Butt, right? This guy was responsible for London Bridge and he was in a TV show for Channel 4 last year called, 'The Jihadis Next Door'. He had his own TV show. (LAUGHTER) He was in the TV show called, 'The Jihadis Next Door', and the police were like, 'We didn't have a clue, mate.' (LAUGHTER) He's the Jihadi! 'Hang on a sec, mate. We didn't know his location.' He was next door! (LAUGHTER) The bastard just told you! (LAUGHTER) Doesn't help with my look either, I tell you, though. No, like, this is the whole thing. I can't even get into America any more. You guys know what I'm talking about, innit? (LAUGHTER) And this is gonna sound racist, but when I travel, I ain't travelling with you lot, man. (LAUGHTER) I'm travelling with Dave, Sharon and John over here. (LAUGHTER) And Jemima and shit. That's who I'm travelling with. Last time I tried to get into America, I go with Dave, and Dave goes, 'So how are we gonna get in?' He goes, (LOW VOICE) 'Just say what I do for a living, mate. We'll both get in.' 'All right, mate.' (LOW VOICE) 'Just copy me and we'll both get in.' Dave get to the desk they go, (AMERICAN ACCENT) 'So what do you do for a living?' Dave goes, 'I work in recruitment.' Got right through. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 'Dave! Dave!' 'You prick!' (LAUGHTER) You've been a great crowd. Thanks for your time. Cheers. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Paul Chowdhry! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you for watching. Goodnight, my friends. Good night! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017