# Go on and sing. # Be-doo-be-doo. # Be-doo, be-doo. # Be-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, # doo-wah, doo-wah, doo. # Go on and sing. # Be-doo-be-doo. # Be-doo, be-doo. # Be-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, # doo-wah, doo-wah, doo. # Go on and bring. # You said you loved me in the start. # Now it's tearing me apart. # Don't make me break your heart. # Has it all been a mistake? # I think it's more than I can sing. # Don't make me break your heart. I've got a story for ya. A true story. It's about me, Alf ` Alf Benning. Big smile! (CLICK!) # Be-doo, be-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, # Doo-doo, doo-wah, doo-wah-doo. # Shoop, be-doo, be-doo. # (INHALES DEEPLY) And everything in this is the gospel truth. It's a tale of murder, yes, but it's a love story as well. A bit of a horror story? Perhaps. Just never written down till now. So why now? Cos everybody wants to be famous? No! Or infamous. LAUGHS: No! (CHUCKLES) I just want to be understood. And anyway, it's a great story. (CHUCKLES) (KEYS CLACK) By Alf Benning. (THUNDER CRACKS) (ELECTRICITY HISSES) (UNSETTLING MUSIC) (CRACKLING) (UPBEAT '50S STYLE MUSIC) # I used to see you in the neighbourhood. # I always thought you looked so good. # I said, 'Baby, won't you come out with me?' # She said, 'I'll tell you when I'll be free.' # True love # is what I feel for you. Betty? What are you doing, love? (NEEDLE SCRATCHES) You're moving into the spare room. Hang on a sec. We're husband and wife. What happened to love, honour and`? Obey? When have I ever obeyed you, Alf? And as for honour... (LAUGHS) Oh, and just so we're absolutely clear, as husbands go you were all right once, but now you're just as useless as the last three. Last three? What last three? (CARRIAGE RETURNS) Chapter One. (KEYS CLACK, BELL DINGS) Motive. # Take my life and let it be. Not... just the one thing. All sorts! Yes! # Take my moments and my days. (MUTTERS) Alf, shut up and dig. Three husbands... before. All these years! Clickety-click. 66. My age ` 70. (RACE COMMENTARY DRONES) MAN: Knock at the door ` number four. Have a bean ` 17. Tom's tricks ` number six. (UPBEAT HYMN CONTINUES) I'm certainly shifty at 50. Stay alive ` 85. > Where's my shoe? 42. MEN CHANT: Troops out! Troops out! Knock at the door ` number four. PEOPLE CHANT: ...two, three, four. We don't want your dirty war. (LAUGHTER) Then I'll go to heaven ` 87. Where I'm bound to meet two fat ladies ` 88. (BANGS TABLE) House! Congratulations. > PEOPLE CHANT: ...three, four. We don't want your dirty war! One, two, three, four! We don't want your dirty war! Get out of the way, you old fart. Leave my customers alone. Get rooted, you freak. > (CHANTING CONTINUES) Carmen Rupe ` coffee bar proprietor. (DING!) (LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) Are you OK? Good. So, dear, tell me ` why have we never seen you here before? Oh, I've passed by a few times. Bit shy, I suppose. Oh, we don't do shy here, do we, girls? You should visit. You know, we're open in the daytime too. You know, lust never sleeps. (CHUCKLES) Oh. Toasted sandwich? (LATIN MUSIC) Uh-uh! Those are spoken for. And there's just this passionfruit sponge that's left. Oh, well, I'll buy that. Make it a clean sweep. Oh, that's nice of you, Mrs Benning. Yes, it is ` given that I can't eat the thing. Seeds ` they get stuck under my plate. (MOUTHS) Perhaps Mr Benning might like it. Oh, yes. Loves a nice cake. Not that it shows. Lean and mean, that man ` whatever he eats. How on earth does he manage, with his job? He's given up the gravedigging, Maria. Says he's getting too old. So, um, what's he doing now? DISTASTEFULLY: Volunteering. (PANTS) (COIN CLATTERS) Thank you. See? Not hard to give a little instead of just taking. Go on, in you go. Take, take, take. That's her. My life's a joke. A bad joke. Used! For 10 years! Where are the good things in life? (DOGS BARK) If you ask me, it's the owners that should be put down, not these guys. Out of their selfishness, instead of these out of their` ...out of their misery? Yes. 'This, of course, was where the love story began. Hello. Hello. Love at first sight, eh? (BARKS) Did you hear that? He's saying 'Alf'. Rule number one, Alf ` don't get attached. He's for the needle, first thing Friday. Hello, darling. (CHEERFUL MUSIC) Dear. Yeah. Your stuff's on the right. Oh, my cheese. Paid for with the housekeeping I give you, yes. Which is not enough. I've told you. (OMINOUS MUSIC) Oh, my cake as well. Mm. (KNIFE SCRAPES) Coming to the boil. I'm thinking of getting a dog. A what? A dog. I'm getting one. (SCOFFS) Over my dead body. 'Not yet. Not quite yet. 'Dunno why. 'Perhaps it takes less time for love to blossom 'than it does for rage to really take root. (LID CLANGS) (QUIRKY MUSIC) What? I-I'm in a hurry. Housekeeping. I need extra. For the butcher. Right. Thank you. (BRAKES SQUEAL) # Ciao, baby, let's call it a day. Hey, stop! Hey! # Ciao, baby, go ahead and throw my love away. # No, baby, it's too late to change your mind and say # Please don't drag it out much longer. # Leave before the hurt gets stronger. # Ciao. # Ciao, baby, let's call it a day. Thank you. (RATTLES GATE) Hello! Rita! Hello! Hello! # No, baby, it's too late to change your mind and say... # Please don't drag it out much longer, # leave before the hurt gets stronger. Ciao. # Am I too late? PA: In box one, we've got the favourite, Purse Gang. Box two, Lady In Waiting. Oh, darlin' dog. (CHUCKLES) I love her. She's so cute. Um, she's a he, BJ. I don't think anybody minds in here, darl. (ALL CHUCKLE) I've named him Shep. Sheppie. Oh, he is so cute. Mwah, mwah, mwah! I love you, I love you. What does the missus think, Alf? Um, she, uh, doesn't know yet. (CHUCKLES) Shep was eating better than I was, but I didn't care. 'I had somebody to love again. 'As long as Betty would let me.' (DRAMATIC NOTE) MAN: Get out! CROWD CHANT: We don't want your racist war! One, two, three, four. We don't want your racist war! One, two, three, four. We don't want your racist war! (PROTESTERS CONTINUE CHANTING) What is it with these people? If it's not one thing, it's another. (PEOPLE SHOUT) Sgt Burgess. Friend of yours? Didn't know you were anti-tour. Screw the tour. I got done, Sergeant, for soliciting. What do you want him to do ` negotiate a rate? Put in a word for bail. (LAUGHS) You know what will happen to me in there. I'll see what I can do. After the briefing. Till then, just keep your back against the wall. (LAUGHS) Squad rotations continue as per, but even if your rostered off, consider yourself on standby in case of further demonstrations. They're not demonstrators, sir, they're a bunch of stirrers. Thank you, Doone. I've spoken to you before about this jacket, haven't I? Other one's in the cleaner's, sir. Or are you still demonstrating your left-wing leanings? We are a politically neutral body. I suggest you and DS Burgess put your energies into showing Detective Everitt the ropes. He doesn't need any teaching, sir. He's already in the Flying Squad. (LAUGHS) (ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC) CHUCKLES: Biggles? Planes were his go. Working towards his solo licence, and happier in the air than he was chasing crooks. Up, up and away! (IMITATES PLANE ENGINE) (LAUGHS) Who's a clean boy. Yes? There you go. (CHUCKLES) We don't need curlers, do we, Sheppie, eh? Eh? (CHUCKLES) Stealing my talcum. Yes! We'll see. We'll see. (CHUCKLES) You and me, Sheppie. Just you and me. Yes. (SHOWER RUNS, BETTY SINGS) > (CLOTHES LINE SQUEAKS) (PANTS) (WHINES) What's this? It's a letter of demand from my lawyer. And don't you get cinders on my wash. For housekeeping? (YIPS, PANTS) You ` get out. If you're not under my blasted feet, you're on my couch, leaving your hairs all over the place to get on my good clothes! You do that again, you're for the needle. Do you hear me?! (WHIMPERS) Why go to a lawyer? Why not just keep bloody well stealing off me? It's banned. It's banned from the couch. In fact, it's banned from wherever I say it's banned from. So are you. (TAPE RIPS) (SIGHS) Your side; my side. And if that dog leaves one more hair on my lounge suite, it's a dead dog. Thank you. (QUIRKY MUSIC) (PANTS) Finally. Took a while, but... Chapter Two ` Modus Operand...im. Dum. (TYPEWRITER DINGS, CARRIAGE RETURNS) (CALYPSO MUSIC) Thank you. Charity should begin at home. He'd keep me in rags if he could. Hi. Hello. What's your name? MARIA: It sounds mean. Mean? It's a struggle even to get the housekeeping out of him. I bet that dog of his doesn't go hungry, does it? Let's do one from the front now. Smile! Shep the celebrity wonder dog! Getting under my feet all the time. One of these days he's gonna trip me up, and I'll break my neck. Would he care? No. More worried about that stupid animal! Yeah. Daddy loves you too. Got a prezzie for you. Our two-year anniversary. (THUNDER CRACKS) (WATER RUNS) (WHISTLES) There you go! Walkies in the rain. You like it? Good boy. Go to bed. Good dog. (CLICK!) (TENSE MUSIC) (THUNDER CRACKS) (EXHALES, INHALES THROUGH TEETH) (CLICK!) MARIA: So, have things at home improved? Improved? Well, how would I know? I hardly see the man. And what he does down in that filthy basement, well, Lord only knows. (THUNDER CRACKS) Here we go, lovey. All right? (CAT MIAOWS) Good boy. Out we come. Good cat. There we go. That's right. Good fella. (PANTS) (COUGHS) (GROWLS) It's all right. Shh. Shh. (WHIMPERS) Hey! (BANGS ON LID, GRUNTS) (BARKS) (BETTY'S GROANS FADE) (GROWLS) (CORK SQUEAKS) (LIQUID SLOSHES) (COUGHS) (INHALES) (GROANS) No. Take too long to knock her out. She'd have sat on me by now. Back to square one. Think ag` (THUD!) (WHINES, LICKS) # She's out, out on the street. Fancy a go, Alf? Bet you're a belter with your teeth out. Come on, Alf. Naked sheilas. Steam your glasses up! # She tells me she's right, but she knows that she's wrong. # Out, out on the street. # Out on the street. (SIREN WAILS) (POLICE RT CHATTER) Why bother? It's fun to watch, Biggles. Should be legalised, anyway. Save us a lot of grief. We're not taking them all in, you idiot. Just the trannies. Let's go. # Out, out on the street. # Out on the street. # There you go. You can relax now. What's up, Tottie? What's happening out there? Another dagger to the heart of liberty, lovey. Oh, the cops are having a ball. The Crimes Amendment Bill got thrown out. What? 29 ayes, 34 noes, and 23 cowardly abstentions. I did two months in '72 for soliciting. I mean, look as gorgeous as I do, I just walk down the street and it's called solicitng, right? You're a danger to yourself, Tottie. Two months. We are oppressed, Alf. We may not look it, but we are bloody well oppressed. Well, when you're oppressed, there's no point in sitting around blubbering about it, is there? You want something done, you get off your arse and you do something, right? Right. You do. (YIPS, PANTS) I am doing something about it. I know, I know. You think all this preparation's just an excuse, but you have to know what you're doing; plan. You can't just hope for a miracle. (TV) WOMAN: You know they say ` for better, for worse. WOMAN: I wouldn't mind if I got a bit of the better, but all I'm getting is the worse. Oh, come on. Buck up. It can't be that bad. (SLURPS, GRUNTS) It's that bad and more. Bad as stale bread. < SOFTLY: Hot, hot, hot, hot. I suppose I'll just have to lie in it and put up with the crumbs. (LAUGHS) Oh, you have to laugh. (FLAMES ROAR) (MOANS) (EXHALES) (JAZZY MUSIC) (MUSIC STOPS) TV: The police investigation into the murder of Gail McFadyen continues today as the accused, 24-year-old John James Murphy, denies killing the Paekakariki housewife. Top NZ criminal lawyer Mike Bungay has now been engaged to defend Murphy. Our reporter caught up with Mr Bungay outside Wellington's Supreme Court. Your client was in the area at the time of the murder, wasn't he? My client found the victim's bag, yes. He burnt the contents in his incinerator, yes. He admits as much. But that doesn't mean that he killed her. The police investigation has been thorough... BETTY: # ...and misery is done. Misery. # And all that love entails... No, mate, you can't get up, sorry. She'll have the needle to you. Have any charges been laid against Murphy? Yes. We've charged Mr Murphy with the murder of Gail McFadyen, and our inquiries are continuing. Thank you. In other news, the economic recession and rising unemployment has resulted... It's just in case. I know we won't need a lawyer. Coronation Street. (CORONATION STREET THEME PLAYS) (BARKS, GROWLS) (WHIMPERS) It's not been the same since Jack Walker died. And poor Valerie Barlow got electrocuted. Maybe it'll be better once Ena's back. Minnie's lost without her. I think Violet Carson was sick. Who? FORCEFULLY: I'm sick of it! Coronation Street? One of these days, I'm gonna wake up dead. I'm sick of it. Alf torments me on purpose ` and that dog! He torments the dog? The dog torments me. And it won't stop until I'm-I'm put away or I'm in a box. Perhaps you should try some marriage counselling. Marriage c`? It's not a marriage, Annie! He's besotted. It's a-a menage a troy ` him, me and that bloody dog! I could kill the damn thing. Ladies and gentlemen, Shep the amazing wonder dog! Come on. Come on, Sheppie. Come on, come on. Good boy. (GROWLS PLAYFULLY) Good dog. Good dog. (LAUGHTER) And go! Good boy. Bring it to me. Bring it to me. Good boy. Bring it to me. Bring it to me. You can do it. Yes! < Good boy, Sheppie! Up. Up, up, up. Good boy. (LAUGHS) Good boy. (LAUGHS) Oh! (LAUGHS) (COUGHS) Are you all right, dear? COUGHS: Yes, I'm fine. (WHEEZES) Well, this was a spanner in the works. Fresh pyjamas. Thanks for bringing Betty in, Don. Least I could do. Neighbours and all that. What have the doctors said? Pneumonia. And I need to eat more. Least it's not my heart. Hello there. > Betty must be relieved. (VOICES MURMUR) > You haven't seen Shep, have you, my dog, at home? No. I heard him barking, though, when I called to pick up Betty. (BARKS, WHIMPERS) BETTY: Get away from the door! (BARKS) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (YIPS) Now, use it, you mangy little... incubus. (LAUGHTER) < Nah, it was the Dimp packet that clinched it. And the clothes in the bastard's incinerator. Well, you were the bastard who found 'em. Good show, Biggles. Got a murderer's notch on your belt now, son. It was a team effort, Mark. 80 detectives on it. Let's keep it in perspective. It was the way the evidence was presented. One up for Biggles! Biggles! One down for Bungles. (ALL LAUGH) He lost. So? What's it to you? I heard good things about him, that's all. But he is good. Remember Sutch, the spy, last year? Bungay was the one that got him off. First time in NZ history, that. He is good. < So, when you off home? Soon as I can. Worried about me Shep. (WHINES) (PANTS, WHINES) Mate. Shh, shh. It's not just them who's oppressed, is it, lovey? The evil, miserable bitch. One day, just me and you and no more her. Just me and you, lovey. One day. 'That day'd be a long time coming ` about 10 months, in fact.' The Murphy verdict scared us back into the shell. And Shep needed some TLC. So things got put on hold. I just needed to feel a bit safer. (KEYS CLACK) Chapter Three ` Alibis. Alibis? They're overrated. You don't need one if somebody just disappears for good reason. Here we are. Good boy. What you need is to be of good character ` beyond reproach, as they say. So... okey-doke. (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Glue. On my table. Why don't you do that in your precious basement? What's it for, anyway? Fundraising. Telethon. You, raising money for mental health? (LAUGHS) That's a laugh, that is. (LAUGHS) Gee. > (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Famous now, aren't you? (LAUGHTER) Yeah. Who's a pretty boy, then? Who's a pretty boy, then? He's a dog, BJ, not a parrot. Tsk! Here you are, Alf, darling. Put that in his trailer. Oh, that's very generous. Thank you, Carmen. My pleasure, lovey. Maybe you can help advertise me too. Isn't it great? Bob Jones is funding us. Unfortunately, even a property tycoon's backing wouldn't get her over the line. The good guys deserve to win sometimes, surely. Chapter Four ` The Deed. (BREATHES RAGGEDLY) (YIPS) (CLICK!) Right. (TURNS TV ON) Ready, Shep. (TV PLAYS) (CHEERING ON TV) Amazing. Sheppie, it's record. And we helped! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Oh, you can forget that nonsense. Your time's up. Channel. It's a good cause. (GROWLS PLAYFULLY) Channel. < (DOORBELL RINGS) Who's that? I'll go. Why? You haven't got any friends. (BREATHES RAGGEDLY) (BARKS) It's Annie, Elizabeth. She's dead. It was sudden. Her heart. (BARKS) > I tried. I'm trying! (BARKS LOUDLY) It's not my fault we got interrupted. She was so nice, so quiet. (SHEP BARKS) Oh, I wish that damn dog'd be quiet. (BARKS) ANGRILY: All right! Don't nag! He should gas it, like he does the cats. Oh yes. He has a gas chamber down in the basement. His own mini final solution. No more mucking about. No more acts of God, intervenings, you... We'll pick you up at 10. Doesn't do to be late for funerals. September the 12th. (GRUNTS) While Annie Cousins was being prepared to rest in peace, there wasn't much in the way of peace at number 75. (SHOUTS, GROANS) In fact, far from it. (YELLS, CHOKES) (BOTH GRUNT) (SINISTER MUSIC) (DOORBELL RINGS) (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hang on! Shep, go back. Go back. (DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY) Yes? We've been ringing for ages. Uh, I was on the phone. Raffle tickets. We've come for Elizabeth. I got Dad's car. I'm driving. Sorry? Where? To her funeral. Annie Cousins. - 10 o'clock. - As arranged. Oh! Right. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) S-Sorry. Well, she's not here. No, she's passed away. Oh, no, not Mrs Cousinses. Betty. She's not here. - But Mrs Nieuwlaar arranged` - The funeral is at 11. Well, she's gone. Without us? > I said we'd pick her up! No ` away. Gone. - Away? - Where? Canada. Last night. H-Her sister had a... car accident. So Betty's gone, you see? Chapter Five ` The Cover Up. Bit sudden. Car crashes are sudden, I suppose. Been to the nursery, have you? Apple tree. Betty likes apples. > So, how are things at the cemetery? Very quiet. UNDER BREATH: Psst! Dad! Uh, s-she'll be back, then? Betty? Oh, y-yes. Eventually, I hope. Once she's settled her sister's affairs. Oh! Oh, you mean s-she, uh...? Oh! Yes, she's dead. Her sister. (QUIRKY MUSIC) Splashing out, are we, dear? Coffees all round, with an added something to warm us all up, eh? (CHUCKLES) Seeing you are so well cashed up, you might be able to afford a bit more of what you deserve, Alf. (CHUCKLES) A man can only eat so many toasted sandwiches, Totty. LAUGHS: Oh! Who's this wayfarer? Hi. Tracey Lee. Oh, hello. Come and sit down. Have a coffee with us. Ex-wife, ex-mother. And on her police record, known as Robyn Williams. On the road are you, love? From the Manawatu. Just arrived. Ah! Where are you staying? Find somewhere. You can't wander the streets. Have a coffee, then you can doss down at my place. I don't think so. Well, just till you do find somewhere. Oh, don't worry ` nothing funny. (CHUCKLES) Pinocchio's a real boy. No strings attached. I might consider it if you buy me a special coffee as well. I bet. You don't want me hanging around, though. I'm on the game. Oh! Good as gold with me. I could do with a bit of company, that's all. And if you can cook, even better. Think about it while we enjoy these. And what are we celebrating, Alf? Freedom... and love's triumph. (CHUCKLES) TRACEY LEE: You're doing well. When was the last time you stayed out all night? - Shh! - LAUGHS: What? - No! (BOTH LAUGH) I will not! This is it. 75. Oh! Lovely. Come on, Sheppie. Come on. - Ooh, you've got those flowers. They're my favourites, eh. - Really? - Yeah. - I'll pick some for ya. You're sweet. Come on, Sheppie. Come in, come in, come in. Here we go. < Welcome. I'll show you round. - Bugger me. < (DOOR CLOSES) Still waters. Betty's hardly out of the country; Alf's got himself a bird. What do you mean, Dad? What sort of bird? The good sort. Uh, my wife's. She's separated. I mean, we are. - I'll get rid of them for you. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I can make room. Mrs Nieuwlaar, guess what. Alf just brought a girl home. Ah! The good sort. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC) Come on, then, handsome. (CHUCKLES) You settle in, have a wee rest. I'll get some supplies in for us. Hey, Alf. Thanks, eh. (WHINES) (GRUNTS) (HUMS) (UPBEAT LOUNGE MUSIC) She's not gone to Canada. I think he's killed her. You have proof of that, do you? They weren't happy. And I know her ` she wouldn't just leave like that before a funeral. Plus she doesn't have a sister. Not that I know of, anyway. So you don't know her that well, then. I know her very well. We attend the same church. My colleagues and I attend the same pub. Doesn't mean I know them, Mrs Now` Noi` Nieuwlaar! N-I-E-U-W-L-A-A-R. Mrs... (SIGHS) Madam, we've got over 20 cases on our books. I'm not adding another one to the list just because your friend missed a funeral. She's probably gone to the sister's you didn't know she had. It would've been more convenient if she'd been the one who had the heart attack instead of Annie Cousins. Annie would never have gone to the police. Aww. Thanks, Alf. Fortunately, Wellington's finest wrote her off as a pushy Christian with a funny name and an axe to grind. So things were still well in hand. And improving by the moment. Oh, I found this in the sideboard. OK? Two, four, six, eight. Dig in` (BOTH) ...don't wait! (CHUCKLE) You know, all I ever wanted was me and Shep. Just us. This is nice. It's nice. Whanganui, eh? Never been there. Might go one day ` a trip. Mm, it's all right. Wanga-Vegas. It's nice. You left. I didn't leave Wanganui; I left my bloody husband. Was my own fault. Put up with his crap for too long. SOFTLY: Bastard. Tell you what, it was either leave him or kill him, eh. (LAUGHS) 1 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Is this his house? (LAUGHS) (ALL GREET ONE ANOTHER) (UPBEAT CALYPSO MUSIC) Hello! We brought you something sweet. Come in! The more the merrier. < (LAUGHTER) So lovely to see you! < Come on, come in! < (DOOR OPENS) Mwah! - How many, dear? - Six, with the one that moved in. Oh my good Lord. Betty was right. He's an animal. I don't even want to imagine what's going on in there. Company. Nice. (CHUCKLES) Yep. Walk my little mate whenever I feel like it. Feed him when I like. (CHUCKLES) Bit of company. I'll say. BJ: Shep looks really happy too. SOFTLY: You fell on your feet, didn't you? SOFTLY: Get rooted. Just remember, Alf ` soon as we get comfy, a spring pops. (CHUCKLES) She'll be back. Your missus. Then where will you be? She's staying in Canada, Alf says. She was miserable, sick of me. Had to go. Sick of you? God, what was her name ` Stupid? (LAUGHTER) Betty Benning. I've already told you. And I've already told you there are no grounds for an inquiry. That's her with me. She's missing. She hasn't even come to bingo. Two fat ladies. (SIGHS) He gasses things. In a gas chamber. A gas chamber? Are you gonna get up there or not? He's got a loose woman living with him now! (SIGHS) God knows what they get up to. (GASPS) (GRUNTS) (PANTS) Bloody hell. What happened here? (WHIMPERS) (KNIFE SQUELCHES) - (MOANS) (BARKS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Shit! Coming! Don't go on about how I look, all right? I was cleaning. And you're half an hour early. You're gonna have to come back later, OK? And preferably at the right bloody time. I've got two more after you. Shit. Where's Mr Benning? Alf's got nothing to do with this, all right? He just lets me have a room. Relax. I don't care if you are... hairdressing from home. Just looking for Alf Benning. Oh. All right, well, he's not here. He's working at the animal shelter. Get him to give us a call, eh? It's probably nothing. I need him to get some woman off my back. You can get back on yours now. # I said, ladies, ladies on my mind. # (PHONE RINGS) I was actually trying to get hold of Elizabeth Benning. Is she there? Hang on. Alf! Is that you, love? It's the phone! For your missus. Oh, bugger. A copper came around for you yesterday. Sorry, I was busy afterwards. I forgot. All right. I'll give him a call. Hello. Uh, yeah, hello. Um, my name's George Rosenberg. I'm a solicitor. What can I do for you? There's a matter that I think you blokes need to look into. Why me? I'm up to my ears. You mean your flaps, don't you, Biggles? Why you? Cos you Fraudies are on long-weekend shift, this Benning bloke never called. I've thought about it, and something's up. I'm sick of being polite to these churchy types banging on my desk. I've got 21 other cases. Well, now you've got a missing woman as well. If it was just this church biddy on my case, I wouldn't be on yours. Her solicitor's having a go now as well. Well, you see, a woman answered when I rang. What about? Well, a domestic maintenance issue. Then he said Mrs Benning was in Canada. Maybe she is. So who's this woman? His niece from Wanganui. At least, that's what he's telling his neighbours. Maybe she is. Maybe Noddy's not banging Big Ears (!) (DOONE CHUCKLES) 75 Standen. Just a quiet chat, eh? All that planning. And you go and get people stirred up with stupid stories... about Canada. Still, there's always the instructions in Chapter Six: Admit Nothing. (TYPEWRITER CARRIAGE RETURNS) (PLAYFUL, TENSE MUSIC) (SHEP BARKS) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) SOFTLY: Deja bloody vu. Alf Benning? Mark Everitt, CIB. Hello. Sheppie, Sheppie, Sheppie, come here. Good boy. Alf. We just, uh, have a bit of a question mark over your wife's absence. She's gone to Canada, I believe? That's right. So, tell me... You aren't busy this afternoon, are you, Alf? No. (CHUCKLES) Nothing on. An incinerator? Just get Belcher over there to put the bloody thing out. It's the McFadyen murder all over again. - You think he's murdered his wife? - Yeah, and he's burning the evidence? Yes. He was very helpful. Showed me around the place and everything. Still, let's put that fire out, all right? I'll talk to him. We can work out what he was trying to burn later. Any danger of a cup of tea? Weak and white. Break your glasses? Sat on them. (CHUCKLES) A couple of days ago. Ah. OK. Let's start from the very beginning. There. Go. Righto. - So, you were married in '59? - Yes. 'How did you hear about the accident?' A phone call from Canada. Plane crash, was it? No, no. Car crash, I think. So you drove her? Yes, I drove her to the airport. So what exactly did she say again? (SIGHS) 'I'm going, 'whether you like it or not. 'I don't love you, 'so I might even stay there.' Stuff like that. She was upset. Did you love her? Once. Yes. 'Course I did. You say her sister's dead. She was, yeah. Is. Oh, I'm confused. I'm getting tired. I-I have to go home and feed my dog. EMOTIONALLY: You think I killed my wife. No, I... I haven't said that. You think I murdered my wiiiife! (SOBS) > He thinks I murdered you, Betty! He thinks I murdered my wife! (WAILS) I haven't said that, all right? (CONTINUES WAILING) Just calm down. (POLICE RT CHATTER) 1 I didn't kill her. I never said you did. - You can't. Cos if you do` - I'll have to caution him. And we need him to cough first. Or we need a body ` or both. If I caution him and he clams up, we might never find her. Oh, and, um, Karori Cemetery's down the road. And he used to be a gravedigger. Have you seen the size of that place? I've seen the size of that woman. Crikey. He'd need a wheelbarrow. Well, he's got access to a van. Need a bloody wheelbarrow to get her to the van. And a few weeks in the gym. Biggles, what's the go with the scene search? - Sitting here on standby. Eating into serious drinking time. - Just go up to the bloody canteen. - We were gonna go down the road. - I'm doing my best, all right? He's such a hardened criminal, right (?) Just give him a clip around the ear. There's ways to do things, Belcher. Times change. Methods bloody well change. Just let me do my job. Leave the man alone, eh? He's too soft, Mark. He'd rather be flying planes. We need some Ginger in there. To do what? Get the phone book out? Yeah, the Auckland one, preferably. I hear they use it a lot. He'll get a result. Softly softly catchie monkey. That incinerator's looking promising. As soon as we can swing a warrant. (QUIRKY MUSIC) (LAUGHS) Hello! Ready to scramble, are we, Biggles? No. You might as well go home. Score one ` the suspect. - And zero, your new methods. - Oh, I'll keep at him. I don't think we'll be running the scene tonight. He's not gonna invite us in, and we don't have a warrant yet, so... 9.45. Monkey no get catchie. - Your statement's out the window now. Police vs Converry. - I know that, Fenchurch. - You chatted to him for too long. - I know that, Fenchurch. - His statement's inadmissible. - I do know that, thank you, Fenchurch. Waste of bloody time. So now what? He's hungry. (SCOFFS) This is nice, this chook. I haven't had it before. Mm, it's new. It's American. They're hoping it'll take off. Can I? Take off. Uh, not yet. Right, let's go over it again. (YELLS) You think I murdered my wife! (SOBS) - You think I murdered my wife. I didn't` - Alf, cut it out, all right? - You're saying I did, but I didn't. - I don't know what I think. OK, I haven't said that. SOBS: No! No! No! No! Alf, look, I haven't made up my mind, OK? SOBS: No, no, no, no! So come on, get up, all right? Alf, get up. Come on. Alf. Alf? She's in Canada. (CLOCK TICKS) So why hasn't she contacted you? From Canada? I told you, we don't talk. Why would she telephone? I don't know. She needed money. She hasn't got any money here. Not any more. What do you mean, not any more? (TENSE MUSIC) All right. I confess. I did it. I took money from her bank account. She'd been squirrelling it away from the housekeeping I gave her, so technically it's mine anyway. Right. How much money? 500 quid` dollars. And how did you do that? I typed up a letter of` thingummy. Authority? Yes. And I faked her signature. (OMINOUS NOTE) Admit nothing. - Biggles! - Shit! I waited for ya. The rest of them buggered off, but I waited. Don't you ever forget that. It's 2 in the morning. Yeah. You look like you deserve a drink. (BOTTLE CAP OPENS) How'd you go? Nothing on the wife, but... (CLEARS THROAT) I've held him back for using a document to obtain a pecuniary advantage. And what's that when it's at home? He forged a document. It's a new offence in the Crimes Act. - And you the first to offer it. - Mm-hm. (CHUCKLES) Times change. You Fraudies, eh? It'll work. We use the fraud charge to obtain a search warrant. If you can get somebody to sign off on it. It's Saturday. Number One Court'll just have a couple of geriatric JPs. We can oppose bail; slip it by them. And then? And then I can get some sleep. Get the boys on standby in the A-M, we'll get Alf into court, get him remanded. I can work on him again to give up the body while you guys go over the house. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Come on, mate. Fenchurch Mortlock has got the knives out. He's telling Nervous you're too soft. There's no point going hard on this one. He just chucks fits. If you don't bring him in, mud'll stick. - It's your reputation, mate. (HORN BLARES) - Look out! (HORN BLARES, TYRES SQUEAL) You idiot, Doonie! Eyes on the road. You could've killed us! Yeah, no worries. I've been up all night. Wh`? Maybe I better let you pilot me home tonight. - Morning. - How did you get in? Taxi. Where's Miss Piggy? My car. Oh. Company car park. Undamaged. Charmed life. You saved her bacon. So, how did you get on at Number One Court this fine Saturday morning? Well, we won't have time to drink those. The JP's OK'd us holding Alf on that fraud charge. So I'll interview him again while you search his house. (DING! CARRIAGE RETURNS) It was starting to look like I might be needing Chapter Seven ` The Best Defence. One ` get the best lawyer. Why do you want a lawyer? < Because you think I murdered Betty. OK, let's be clear. I haven't said that. I haven't even cautioned you yet. I've just arrested you for the theft from her bank account. I know. But I still want a lawyer. I want Mike Bungay. You know him? (UPBEAT DRUM MUSIC) Yep. Yep, yep. I just don't know where he is. (FUNKY, UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) OK. Doonie. Mike, you got a client down at the station, mate. Well, give me five minutes, all right? Give me 10 minutes. (DOOR OPENS) Ah, Mr Bungay. (FUNKY, UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) Look, murder ` well, it's the worst possible crime. So if you killed her, I suggest that you tell me so that we can work out the best possible defence. Because if you did do it, even the NZ Police will work it out eventually. I'll get someone to bring you a cup of tea, all right? Good. (SIGHS) - Nervous. - Bungles. - Doonie. - Bungles. - Bungles? - Biggles, what the hell's the matter with you? When did you start interviewing this bloke? Friday. So a confession's not gonna work in court for you, is it? You've been at him too long. Bloody coercion, fatigue, etc, etc. - Police vs Converry` - Converry, I know. Which means the body is required, young Everitt. Habeas corpus or a confession ` which you don't have. You're bloody useless. I talked to him for six minutes and he's told me exactly where the body is. Nervous, go in, give him a cup of tea, weak and white, and then pop him in the cells, all right? Alf or Biggles? You're coming with me, all right? We're going up to Karori. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) - Ooh, that's` that's it` (TYRES SQUEAL) So, where's this body? I'll tell you where her body is, but I want provocation on the table. (TYRES SQUEAL) Wonder how they got here. Afternoon, everyone. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Can you give us any details`? - Mike, is this a murder case? Sorry, no comment at this time. Angela, nice to see you. We'll have a chat later, eh? Excuse me. Excuse me! My son found these in the road. Someone might need them. Thank you. Bloody hell. The books. We didn't get rid of the books, Shep. Ladies, the body... is under there. A woman handed me these. They were found in the street. Contact. Bloody deep hole. Would've taken some doing. He used to dig graves. How do you bury somebody in a shaft? In bits. (EXHALES) (THUD!) Hey, ease up. I've got a post mortem to do. Definitely dead, then, is she? I think you can safely take your confession now. All right, yes, if I'd gone by the book I wouldn't be needing this, but... The Best Defence, Two ` the best possible defence. I was provoked. Provocation? I'd had enough. S-She was being such a witch, you know? Bullying, lying, cheating me. < And she hated Shep, what we had. It just came to a head. She attacked me. I hear he confessed. Yeah. With a couple of safety nets ` provocation and self-defence. Still, have a cold one, mate. Celebrate. (CHUCKLES) As long as you don't insist on driving again. Post mortem's tomorrow. She was in six bits. - Yeah. (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Watering hole. < (ALF CHANTS INDISTINCTLY) (CHANTS LOUDLY) (VOCALISES CRAZILY) (RESUMES CHANTING) Witch. Witch, witch, witch, witch. < Witch, witch, witch. And insanity. Right. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Witch! (CHANTS) Witch, witch, witch, witch. (DOOR CLOSES) > Witch, witch, witch, witch, witch. Witch, witch, witch. BREATHLESSLY: Witch. (COUGHS) (THUD!) (SIREN WAILS) Hello there! (BARKS) Who's a good boy, then? He's missing you, Alf. I miss him too. (BARKS) We'll be together soon, you'll see. I'll take really good care of him, love. But he needs me. (BARKS) We belong together. (BARKS) (INHALES DEEPLY) (QUIRKY, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) All rise. (INHALES) Mr Earp, tell us when, after Mrs Cousins' funeral, you saw the accused. (INHALES) Quarter past 12. In what context? He, uh, came to the door and asked Geraldine... Has your father got a wheelbarrow, rubber tyre? No. Do you think I could borrow one from the boys at the cemetery, then? I told him it had a flat tyre or there was something wrong, or something, because it's not council policy to lend equipment, you see. (SCOFFS) Righty-oh. Good as gold, then. Sorry. You're welcome to my little gardening one. No, ta. Wouldn't be sturdy enough. You also had a conversation about a wheelbarrow? Yes, on the Monday. He wanted to borrow one. Mine wasn't handy. I would've lent him mine. - You never mentioned this in the lower court, did you? - No. - Any particular reason? - I... Have you lent your wheelbarrow to Mr Benning on any other occasions? Yes, several. Aah! (INHALES) MAN: We found a series of parcels, human remains, wrapped in newspaper. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) The one immediately under the torso contained a leg. The metal rod went through that as well. We found the head wrapped as a separate parcel. The lower denture was missing. A long, narrow parcel contained both arms. A fifth parcel contained the other leg. Your Honour, I don't think any purpose will be served by subjecting the jury to these photos. In the interest of good taste, I move that these be withheld. Your Honour, please. Uh... I... I concur. Proceed without them, Mr Larsen. What kind of instrument was used in the dismemberment? Several instruments. In the case of the shoulders, a knife and a chopping type instrument. In the case of the legs, the thigh bone was sawn through. There were no saw marks on the neck. That was separated using a chopping type instrument. (THUD!) Were there any other signs of injury? There was a clearly marked groove in the skin of the neck and indications of a blow to the head. That mark was made subsequent to what might appear to be a blow to the head, yes? 'I'm not sure of the sequence`' And the blow to the head might actually have been caused by a trip and a fall, given that the head impacted against a wall. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Possibly, but... (CHUCKLES) Well, surely, you're not suggesting that this sad, sick, frail little man could have pushed Mrs Benning, who was significantly bigger than him, and caused such an impact? Unlikely, but still` You've seen boxing matches, haven't you? Yes. Wouldn't it also be possible for someone to suffer this kind of impact from a fall, or whatever the cause, to come back with force as in, say, a boxing match? I suppose. To go on the attack. - I suppose, but` - Thank you. No more questions, Your Honour. (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC) 1 What made you so suspicious that you went to the police? The phone was answered by a woman. I could hear her calling out to him. When you were staying with the accused, were you working as a prostitute? Yes, I was a prostitute. Now I am a beneficiary. How was it that you came to be at that address? Carmen introduced us. He knew you were a prostitute? He? Who? Carmen? (SNIFFS) < The accused. Oh. Um, yep, I told him. Was there any discussion of your own marital affairs? I told him once I could've killed my husband for what he did to me. And what was the accused's reaction to that? He got upset and left the room. At 12.10pm I was advised by Constable Peacock 'that metal fittings from a woman's undergarments had been located in the backyard incinerator. 'I instructed him to remove the deposits in small amounts and sieve them over a wheelbarrow.' Evidence! Chapter Five ` The Cover-up. We should've got rid of the clothes earlier! The books. They all relate to murder, suicide and forensics, with underlying references to dismemberment and ways of avoiding detection. You can read all you like, but it isn't much use if it doesn't go in! We have to fix this. NERVOUSLY: We have to fix it. Argue with them. They'll throw the book at me. Books, plural. We can't alter the facts, Alf. Evidence is evidence. So what is the plan? Lie? No. We have to focus on the area of doubt. Provocation and your state of mind after the event. But` B-But` Provocation, unintended force, blind panic. - (GROANS) - That's the way to go. Rubbish! - Oh, look, Your Honour, please. - Would my learned friend really have us believe that this man, approximately half the size and weight of his wife, accidentally stunned her, then accidentally strangled her? - My equally learned friend cannot` - Was her dismemberment and burial also unintentional? ...understand the panic that overtook the accused, who, in horror at what he had done` Oh, Your Honour! Yes, yes. Let's just... Let's adhere to the facts, gentlemen, if you please. The facts are piling up. Too many mistakes. The books, the underlinings. Canadian relatives. Mixing with people who were under the coppers' microscopes anyway. What was that about? The money from the post office. Plus Sheppie taking off with those blooming teeth of hers. Shep! The incinerator not completely burning all her flaming clothes. And the Betty blood on the handsaw and the knife and the cleaver. And the blood on the floor, which didn't get properly cleaned. ANGRILY: And what happened to 'admit nothing'? (BELL CLANGS) The accused told me he was prepared to cooperate with me and would make a written statement. I then commenced taking the second statement, and Bungle` Mr Bungay then left the interview and Mr Turkington remained. That is the said statement? > < It is, yes. And that was taken as direct dictation from the accused? > < It was, yes. Very good. Would you please read it? > Certainly. At this point, I cautioned the accused and was` (WAILS INCONSOLABLY) My client's distress over all of this is evident. I wonder if you'd perhaps give him a few moments to compose himself. (CONTINUES SOBBING) I think I can allow a recess. Does your client require medical attention? I will certainly ask him if that's required, Your Honour. Thank you. Mr Larsen, early lunch. Objection? No, Your Honour. No objection. The witness is stood down. MAN: All rise. What was that all about? He was a bit upset. Yeah, right. And what was on that note? I told him his dog had died. He's all right. Shep's fine. - (SOBS) - I just needed you to show some emotion! SOBS: I love that dog. That dog's kept me sane. The way he wags his tail, the way he looks at me ` it's like he can talk. He's my best mate, my counsellor, my right bloody arm. Your accomplice. All I want ` her gone, me and Shep together. And now you tell me he's dead! He's not dead. He's with Rita Downes, awaiting the verdict like the rest of us. And what's that bloomin' well gonna be? Well, that's up to the jury, isn't it? Have you reached your decision? We have, Your Honour. Rise and face the jury. And what is your verdict? > SOFTLY: Chapter Four ` The Deed. (WHIMPERS, SNIFFS) Good. Good boy. Yes. Yes! (GROWLS PLAYFULLY) (PATS COUCH) (YIPS) Coronation Street. Get that filthy animal down from my s` (BARKS) Stupid animal! - Ooh! - (GRUNTS) (THUD!) (BARKS) (YELLS) (SCREAMS) Cow! Traitor! You big fat miserable cow! (GASPS, GRUNTS) (GURGLES) (THUD!) (CHOKES, GURGLES) (STRAINS) (SOBS, CHOKES) (ALF BREATHES RAPIDLY) Is she` Is she dead, Shep? (BARKS) (PANTS) SOFTLY: Yes. Yes. We did it. Guilty. (CLAPPING, GROANING) JUDGE O'REGAN: Silence! Silence! Clear the court. (BREATHES HEAVILY) SOBS: Sheppie. Sheppie! Take the prisoner down. (SOBS) # Has it all been a mistake? # This is more than I can say. # Don't make me break your heart. # You heard me say... MAN: All rise. # ...never let my feelings show. # But deep inside, I'm crying. # Guilty? Maybe. I did feel guilty ` on one level. (WHIMPERS) (SQUELCHING, SAWING) (WAILS) (BARKS) (KNIFE SLASHES) I'm sorry. PANTS: Sorry I couldn't find... a barrow. # Said you loved me at the start. # Now it's tearing me apart. # Don't make me break your heart. # Has it all been a mistake? # I think it's more than I can take. # Don't make me break your heart. # SOBS: Your fault. But on another level, Betty was more guilty than me. She deserved it. All I wanted was her out of my life, just me and Shep. Happily ever after. (COUGHS) (CHUCKLES) And in the end, I got it. Oh yes. Everybody got what they deserved. Good job, mate. > Welcome back, mate. > See ya, Alf. > I made it to Whanganui, the jail anyway. Matter of fact, I've quite enjoyed it. < Bye, Pop. Everyone calls me Pop. A bit of peace and quiet, three meals a day and work in the library ` nice. Lots of books. Between you and me, I'm supposed to die in here. I turned out to be a bit sickly, and that's an added burden on the system, if you know what I mean. I've been released on medical grounds after serving just a tiny slice of my life sentence. # Shoop, be-doo-be-doo, # Be-doo, be-doo, be-doo, doo-doo, # doo-doo, doo-wah, doo-wah, doo. # Shoop, be-doo-be-doo, # Be-doo, be-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo... # Hello, Rita. Thank you, love. Hi, Alf. Come on, Sheppie. Come to Daddy. You be a good boy, Shep. Good boy. We'll miss you. Come on, Sheppie. Come on. Just you and me. Just you and me, Shep, exactly like I said. Sheppie. (MUSIC FADES) Sheppie? (PANTS) Good boy. Sheppie? (ENGINE STARTS) Bye, Shep. (SHEP WHINES) (WHIMPERS) # Happiness is sitting in the sun, # contemplating, celebrating all your day's work done. # And all that you're concerned about is how to get some fun, # and to get you one lonely lady. # On my right there sits # an evil man. # I've often wondered if he does it # all unto a plan. # Anyway, girl, could I say I'll do the best I can. # Will you make me your man, lonely lady? # Girl, I thought the whole thing over # and I'm gonna have to come on bolder. # What have I to lose # if you turn and walk away, # leaving me to start all over, # looking for a friendly shoulder? # What am I to do, lovely lady? # Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014