1 JAUNTY CLASSICAL MUSIC www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 What separates the casual Jane Austen fan from the aficionado? Is it her admiration for the style and manners of the Regency Era? The number of times she has read Austen's novels? Or her consuming love for Mr Darcy? EMMY THE GREAT'S 'L.O.V.E.D.A.R.C.Y' Nice cup. Thanks. (chuckles) Oh... Sexy. -(inhales) OK. -I'll see you, uh, for lunch. Yeah, OK. Oh. -OK. -OK. Mr DARCY (over TV): Miss Bennett... (whispering): This is the best part. Unbelievable. Hey, Jane, ex-boyfriend alert. Hey, horse face. -Jimmy, what are you doing here? -Well, I heard you broke up with Greg. So that means... you're free to go bowling tonight. -Whoop! -Jimmy, you know what? If, if "no" was unclear last time, I... I don't want to see you again. I picked you on purpose, Jane Hayes. 30 plus, clock ticking. I'm as good as it gets, baby. WOMAN (voice-over): 'A true aficionado of Austen does so much more 'than merely read her novels and admire her world from afar.' Excuse me. She finds her way here, to the world's only immersive "Austen Experience." WOMAN: Is that a Chihuahua? -It's a lamb-- shh, I'm just trying to hear it. -This looks really cheap. TRAVEL AGENT: I've toured the grounds, and it's not cheap. This is high-class. This is big time. Jane, are you really gonna blow your entire life savings on an "Austen Experience"? Now hold on just a second. Here at Sensuous Travel, we are not just another run-of-the-mill vacation place. This is what we call an "LC," a life-changer. You get to play the heroine of your very own Jane Austen story. Would you like to see some of the staff? -Yeah. -No. TRAVEL AGENT: Now this is Barnaby. He's a vegan. He enjoys nightly dips in the pond, and he has a pony named Sparkles Pancake. -It's horrendous. I also heard that people in those days didn't wear underwear. -That's a lie. -It's not a lie. Look, every stay at Austenland ends with a real live ball, as in ballroom, as in happily ever after. Do you understand what I'm saying? -Totally. Jane, so you go on some fancy vacation, then what do you come home to? Nothing except for an empty bank account. Why don't you save up for a real life-changer? Like what? -Well, like... That's fine, maybe come back another time without your friend. We'll get you squared away. I think I can figure out some kind of layaway program for you. -(groans) -Thank you so much. TRAVEL AGENT: You guys take care. Thanks for being you; 'preciate ya. (sirens wailing outside, door opens) Listen, this is my one chance to really live in Austen's world, OK? I'm... I'm her biggest fan. -Come on. -No... no, no, no. You used to be a fan. You are an addict. You don't have to go in there because I-I'm packing; it's a mess in there. You don't want to go in there. Oh, Janey. It's gotten so much worse. -(doll squeaks) -MALE VOICE: I love you. It's a collector's item, and that's why I have it. -DOLL: I have 10,000 a year. I've changed my mind. I totally support you going to this place, because I'm sure that the fantasy will not be as fulfilling as you imagine. I don't think you know where I'm going. (laughs) -We could make a wager on it. -Fine. If I win, you de-Austen your room. OK. Fine. And if you really must go, I made you a little farewell gift. -You did? -(doll squeaks) -Aw...! Wow. Which historical era is this supposed to be from? Hey, I spent three days working on it. Come here, let's hug it out. -Thank you. -OK. When you get back, just clear this crap out 'cause it's... it's weird. -It's a hobby. -It's really weird. BELINDA CARLISLE'S 'HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH' # They say in heaven love comes first. # We'll make heaven a place on Earth. # Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth. 'HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH' CONTINUES # When the night falls down,...# Oh. Do you need a hand? Yay, an American. I can't understand what the natives say. -(laughs) I think this is where we're supposed to wait, right? You're going to the Darcy place, too? -Yes. -(woman gasps) I memorized the first three chapters of "Pride and Prejudice" when I was 13. (chuckles) What's that? Oh, um... So, why-why are you going to this place? Because I'm gonna look great in those wench gowns. Ooh, gosh, I hope they give me a cape, too. Were we not supposed to come in costume? -Thank goodness you're coming and not her. I'm Jane, by the way. Oh, goody. Introductions. Look. Hi. I'm Miss Elizabeth... Charming. It's a pretty name, isn't it? I requested it. -Yes, it's very beautiful. I can't wait to pick a name. How about Miss Pepperpot? Or Miss Wiggly Wiggins? Those are... those are nice. -(antique horn honks) -Oh! (brake grinding) -I knew this place would be magical. They even got us a car from the 1800's. Oh, thank you so much. I'm Miss Charming. This way. MAN: Bloody Americans. DRIVER: Mind the gap. Sorry. I was told I was supposed to wear a costume. So was I. (quiet laugh) God save the Queen! CHARMING (voice-over): Hey, do you think this is the "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" car? (brake grinds) (horn honks) (rooster crows) CHARMING: It's smaller than I expected. Welcome to the Regency Era. This is just a stop before we go to the big house. -I am Mrs Wattlesbrook. -Oh, OK. Miss Charming, I hope your travel was endurable. -Oh, yes. (clears throat) -Jane Hayes. -Yes. And I've been... I've been thinking about my pseudonym, and I was thinking, um, Miss Joyful, maybe? -(gasps) Oh, yes. -Or... You've already been assigned a name. Miss Erstwhile. Miss Erstwhile? -Martin, take their luggage in, -Oh. and get the carriage ready to take us up to the manor. (smooching) WATTLESBROOK: Martin? -Ma'am. -Good luck. -Thanks. Complete immersion in the Regency Era is the only way to truly appreciate Austen's England. Wouldn't you say so, Miss Charming? -Righto! Just to avoid any confusion, I'd like you to know that we do offer several distinct experiences. You have paid for the basic copper package, while the other ladies in the party are part of the platinum elite package. -Oh, OK. That's... -I'm sure you'll understand there will be some exclusions to your trip. I mean... I'm just, I'm so excited to be here, and I've-I've dreamed about this for so long. All of my guests will experience romance with one of our actors, but I must emphasize there is to be no touching other than -Not a chance. -the necessary social graces. I also expect all my guests to maintain appropriate manners and conversation and to eschew all things modern. Any flagrant disobedience will result in the early termination of your stay. You don't have to worry about me. I know Austen's books intimately. (chuckles, sighs) (in cockney accent): A big fire for a hot summer's day. (laughter) We need to push up the sisters. There we go. Ow. That's as far as I can go. It's looking good. (panting) OH LAND'S 'WHITE NIGHTS' So we have this absolutely delightful chiffon piece. -Oh, peach. And I don't know how you feel about lavender. Oh, I call it lilac. "Lilac"-- this I do think is very magnificent, very elegant. Oh, salmon. Salmon, absolutely. Kind of washes you out. Look how skinny I look with my hand behind my back. Let's go meet the men. JANE (whispering): OK. (sighs) I'm so sorry, my dear, but I'm afraid this carriage only takes two passengers. OK. -Sorry. Hey, do you think we'll be robbed by some highwaymen? FAST-PACED ORCHESTRAL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES (horse whinnies) JAUNTY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC WATTLESBROOK: Martin, hurry up with those bags. My God, look at those. Hallelujah. Oh! (clears throat) Oh, do you think those are their real faces? WATTLESBROOK: And for you, Miss Charming, we have our finest platinum level room. CHARMING: Oh! (Charming laughs) How old-fashioned! Miss Erstwhile, you follow me. Hey! It's bloody brilliant! WATTLESBROOK: Come on, you can't dillydally. And you, of course, have one of our loveliest copper level rooms. (laughs gently) We meet for dinner at 8:00. I expect you can find your own way to the drawing room. I wouldn't miss it for the world. (sighs) (soft classical music playing) Oh, with me? Yes. CHARMING: Jane? Jane, come here. All the statues look at you. (door opening) Oh, look. It's one of those Mr Darcy guys. WATTLESBROOK: May I present Miss Elizabeth Charming, heiress to the vast Charming fortune. (in cockney accent): Top of the evening to you. And Miss Jane Erstwhile, -an orphan of no fortune, -Oh. who we've taken in out of the goodness of our hearts. -Oh. -Colonel Andrews, the second son of the Earl of Denton. I have never before beheld -such beauty... -(chuckles) ...and class. What a very pleasant pleasure it is, indeed. WATTLESBROOK: And my dear nephew Henry Nobley. (grunts) CHARMING: Goody. There's one for each of us. WATTLESBROOK: And, of course, our honoured guest, Lady Amelia Heartwright. CHARMING: (quietly) What the H? Oh... I've been so lonely here without other young women to entertain me. All day, stuck with these men. (chuckles) WATTLESBROOK: And that is my husband. (husband burps) Oh, do sit down. (clears throat) I do hope it will not rain on us tomorrow. It would be so lovely to take a turn around the gardens. I sure would like you to turn me upside down in the garden. Pardon me? I think Miss Charming just means she loves the outdoors. -Oh, right. -Bless. (laughter) Do you see something in my eye? -I-I... -Hmm? I-I'm afraid I-I can't see in this... in this low light. -(Charming laughs) Oh, Mr, uh, Nobley, you really are quite a bloke. ANDREWS: It would appear to be my duty to gaze into your eyes. I'm a military man; I'd never shirk my duty. Allow me, Miss Charming. Ooh, yes. Yes, there is something there. Fire. I say, Miss Charming, you certainly do live up to your name. -(bell dinging) Tally-ho. WATTLESBROOK: I do hope you all enjoy the food. -(Mr Wattlesbrook chuckles) LADY AMELIA: Have you lost your appetite, Mr Nobley? NOBLEY: Somewhat. (gasps) Something on your mind? Absolutely nothing's on my mind, thank you. -Oh. -Prudence, a little bit more of the peacock pate, when you're ready. -Oh. -(giggles) (bell rings) I can't believe I'm really here. -Jane... -Yeah? why don't you try out some of that fancy talk? Mr Nobley, I hear there is a ball on our last night. Do you enjoy dancing? -Not particularly. LADY AMELIA: Scandalous. I am sure you have escorted many a fine lady onto the dance floor. ANDREWS: I would say that manners maketh man. I look forward to having the pleasure of standing opposite you. But dancing... -You do? ...is the true hallmark of a gentilhomme d'honneur. MR WATTLESBROOK: Pass the sheep's eyeballs, will you? Traditionally dancing -is a match-making custom. -Oh, yes. However, it fails unless both partners are equally fond of each other. JANE: You could say the same about any social intercourse. -Intercourse?! Such as talking to someone or having dinner with them. Society demands that we engage in a social intercourse in order to seem courteous. Yet, in most cases, such actions are ultimately vulgar. I really adore "conversating." -(all chuckle politely) Do you really believe, Mr Nobley, that you can know the worth of a person at a glance? Can you tell me that within the first few moments of meeting each person in this room, you didn't form firm opinions of their character? Well, it would be a shame if my first impression of you proved correct. LADY AMELIA: Well, Miss Erstwhile, I for one am so pleased you are here. Another woman who understands, as I do, the rocky road of love. -(bell rings) -Mrs Wattlesbrook told me of your tragic story. W-What? I try to learn a great deal about my clients, so that I can better prepare for their stay. You have, uh... been unlucky in love, shall we say? We most definitely should say. At your age, with no husband, no kinder, (sobs) it's... Sorry. The clock is ticking. Tick-tock, tick-tock. ANDREWS: Oh, how unfortunate. Excuse me. Good duck. CHARMING: Jane. Jane! Oh, Jane. Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, I know how it feels to be treated badly by stupid men. I really do. Jane, come on, give me a hug. Come on, at least it's not gonna happen at this place. Besides, you'll feel totally different tomorrow. Think about all the people in the world that hang themselves. And then the next day, they feel different, but there's nothing they can do about it. Don't hang yourself, Jane. -Mm-hmm. Anyway, if you need anything, just call me. I'm right down the hall. Well, actually I-I'm not right down the hall 'cause you're in the servants' wing. You're-you're in the creepy tower. God, sometimes I think about you... here at night. Must be really scary. It's OK. -Anyway... And, Jane, the maid told me that, FYI, she said don't use the chamber pots. Apparently the toilets really do flush here and... (sighs) ...they don't know what to do if it's just piled high. Right. 1 ANDREWS: Of course, he made all his money in selling quicklime on the continent. You can never have enough whitewash, as my grandfather used to say. Then he contracted dysentery and died. -Oh. Tap, tap. (chuckles) Good morrow, sir. It is I. Shall we promenade? But, uh... oh, oh, I say. Miss Erstwhile, do join us. Yes, make haste. I think I'll go find some shade. (laughs gently) Really? -How peculiar. -Come, sir. She's been too much in the sun. (rooster crows) WOMAN (over P.A.): Your hunting excursion is commencing on the upper paddock at the stable, where you will be assigned an appropriate mount. -(Jane gasps) -(chickens cluck anxiously) MARTIN: Sorry. -I'm not spying on you. -I'm afraid you caught me at an unladylike moment. Mrs Wattlesbrook will probably rap my knuckles or something. Tell me about it. So, you, um, hail from the former colonies? -(chuckles) -Yeah, I'm sorry, that's pretty bad. I'm not really here to do the "ye olde" stuff. Oh. I'm probably not supposed to be talking to the servants anyway. (chuckles) I thought I'd come here and be a total pro at this, -but I don't know. -Yeah, maybe you need a coach or something. Yeah. I'm definitely not supposed to talk to you. And yet... here you are. (conversation in distance) Um, that's, I have to... ANDREWS: Coo-ee. Where are you? Oh-ho, Miss Erstwhile, there you are. -I was just saying to Nobley here... -Yes, hello. our divine Miss Erstwhile seems to have escaped us. -(door closes) And let us not see if we cannot find out... -I was hot so I... I stopped in here, you know, and then I sat and... (chuckles) I say, Miss Erstwhile, you are tongue-tied today. -No. What sordid secrets is your mouth trying to hide from us? -No, no, Do tell me, tell me. Tell me at once. I simply must know. -Andrews! -Can't you see that she's unwell? -Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you. -Unwell? Perhaps you have a touch of the vapours? Or mange? Either way, bell jar on the tummy. Sucks out all the vicious vapours. -And leeches on the ankles... -Andrews, shut up. -What? -(Charming hooting) Hi. Ladies and gents, please take notice. I just got the schedule, and look, it says we get to go hunting on horseback. Can you believe it? Real horses and real guns. Release the hounds. Tally-ho, a-hunting we will go. The British are coming! The British are coming! -Faster! -Shall we go? -Shall we? -Hey, stable boy. You're way too slow! Come on! I've never shot a hunting rifle before. ANDREWS: No, the whole thing with the gun, darling, is that you have to cock it. Just hold the barrel. There. And then gently pull the trigger. NOBLEY: Have you ever fired a loaded weapon before? Actually, I think you might be quite impressed by my... -Big cock. -skills. -Ah, ow. -I'm sure I will be. Just a little closer there. JANE: Oh, yeah, I think I get the basics. Ready, ladies? Face down range. Load. -And make ready. -MARTIN: Beaters! And, pull! (gunshots) Fly in my eye. (gunshot) (gunshot) Oh... yeah! LADY AMELIA: My, Miss Erstwhile... what a talented little nut you are. JANE: Yeah. I guess I get the basics of it. Well, I didn't think we were really supposed to kill them. Well, what are we supposed to eat for dinner? -(Jane chuckles) -Anyone for pheasant? Me. ANDREWS: Of course, all these horses are thoroughbreds. They come from the local stud. Well, I'm too busy, you see. There's something wrong with the horse. Crap copper package. (horse snorts) -(patting) -Ah. Little bit tight, huh? Have to give you a rubdown tonight. Excuse me? -The horse. (chuckling): Oh, right, sorry. -Yeah. -There we go. -Oh! (quietly): There we go. -Thank you. -I'll be back in a crack with a new horse. -OK. (sighs) (thunder rumbling) EMMY THE GREAT'S 'WHAT UP' # And I really believe it. # Just wish that I could see it. # And I keep losing track of where I'm meant to be. # (thunder rumbling louder) Oh. Hi. -Did that stable boy abandon you? -No, he-he's coming right back. Well... I wasn't raised to leave a woman alone in the woods. Oh, I'm really, I'm fine. -(thunder crashes) -Well, there's... -Right, come on-- get up. -Both of us on the one horse? -Come on, get up, come on. -I don't know if that's gonna really work for me... -Come on. -because I don't know how... -Are you ready? One, two, three. (Jane gasping) OK. Look, we're not gonna be able to outrun the storm unless you straddle the horse. Stra` not possible in this rig. Sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what... -Geez. -Get forward. -Forward? OK. -Forward. -Well... -That's it, more. -(squeals) Take the reins. -Whoa. -Now... now anyone who can shoot a gun like that can ride a horse. Come on, then. JANE: Oh, do you have me? I've got you fine. Thank you. # Someone to love. I've been looking. Help me out. # Under your skin, I know that there's something bigger than us. # Jane. -Come here. -I know, but it's a little hard. -No, your leg. -No, OK. -No, your leg, your leg. No. JANE: Oh, thank you. Jane. -Martin, what the hell do you think you were doing leaving her alone like that? -I'm sorry; I was coming. -No, I, I was fine, actually, Mr Nobley. There you are, Mr Nobley. I was about to arouse a search party. I... (gasps) Oh, Miss Erstwhile. What-what ghastly thing happened to you? I think, uh, I'm just gonna go... powder my nose. -(horse snorts) WATTLESBROOK (over P.A.): Everyone please assemble in the drawing room for this evening's whist drive. -(horse whinnies) -Partners will be assigned according to ability and package status. I do believe I start this one, do I not? I'm just so happy, I... See if you can beat that. ANDREWS: Well, there's a card. LADY AMELIA: (chuckles) Oh. A proper lady does not doodle the evening away, Miss Erstwhile. You're looking well, Mr Nobley. The rain refreshed your spirits, did it? Hardly. (giggles) I say, who needs the outdoors when you ladies are such a breath of fresh air? (laughter) Colonel, you really are a saucy monkey. MR WATTLESBROOK: Miss Erstwhile, what's that earthy smell about you? Is it perfume or... I'm not wearing any perfume. Oh, must be your essence. LADY AMELIA: Oh, Colonel. Tremendous play. I didn't see that one. No, no one ever does. It's my sneaky manoeuvre I picked up in the Punjab. -Oh. -(chuckles) Sod it! My, Miss Charming, what-what beauteous skin you possess. Oh, really? Well, that's because late at night when I'm all alone, I put my face in the fire. -(Mr Wattlesbrook snoring) -AMELIA: Really? ANDREWS: Really. AMELIA: It's like a porcelain plate. ANDREWS: It's like being in a kiln. (door closes) (bird screeching) (easy listening music playing distantly) (indistinct singing) MARTIN: # 'Cause I never really thought of love # # And I wake up # Suddenly you're in love... # (music stops) Oh, sorry. I-I didn't mean to bother you if you're in the middle of something or... -You a little lost or... -No. Um, I was just walking around, and then I-I heard music and so... Quick. Get in before Wattlesbrook confiscates this. Let's hope you're not her spy. -Mrs Wattlesbrook? -Yeah. She made me sign half a dozen proper behaviour agreements... Right. Just swear to keep any modern contraption out of sight of the guests. Right. Including you, Miss Erstwhile. Oh, I'm not a spy. I swear. And you don't have to call me Miss Erstwhile. It's Jane. Martin. I am so sorry about this afternoon. No, no, no, no, don't be. Don't even worry about it. Um, I would have been absolutely fine if it weren't for Prince Valiant showing up. -The actors are paid to be valiant. -Right. They have some "Most Valiant Player Of The Month" award. Still, it's-it's nice to have a little break from them. (sighs) Do you mind if I turn back on your music? No, of course not. BILLY OCEAN'S 'SUDDENLY' You're a real, uh, easy-listening kind of guy, huh? Yeah... it relaxes me. Yeah. The easier... the easier the better. Here it comes. # I used to think that love # Was just a fairy tale... You're a really great singer. Oh, you've got really great... taste in gowns. You make it a little hard for me to take myself seriously in this get-up. Where are you in there? Is it, there you are, yeah. Do you, uh, slow-dance? Um, sure. # Suddenly # Life has new meaning to me... # Oh! I don't remember Wattlesbrook teaching us that move. (chuckles) Yeah, neither will those posh boys up at the house. (thumping) -Ah, I almost forgot about her. -(horse whinnies) Well, do you have another girl hidden around here somewhere? Yeah. (thumping continues) -What was that? -Shh. We don't want to scare her. -(horse whinnying) -Whoa. -Oh. Hey, hey, hey. Shh. Whoa, hey, hey, hey. Shh. Wow. You put all the girls at ease? Ooh, only the wild ones. We almost missed it. Is this horse about to have a baby right here? -I've never seen anything being born. -Go get me some straw. -Wait a second, are you gonna have to stick your hands up and, like, flip it or something? -Jane, just go grab some straw. -Yeah, all right. (horse whinnying) I found some! MARTIN: OK, thanks, Jane. (Martin shouting) -Jane! -I'm-I'm coming right now. Get the straw, Jane! Push! Push! (horse whinnying) Oh, that's it! Oh, my... -Sparkle. -I found it! Jane, it's beautiful. Got the straw. Oh, my gosh. It's the miracle of birth. -(horse snorting) There you go. Up you get, buddy. Run free, little Sparkle. (Jane gasps) (Jane laughs gently) Prince Valiant couldn't do that. No. That was amazing, though. (chuckling): That was really amazing. I should probably... probably get going. (sighs) -You've got... Might not want that. -(laughs) Can I, um... can I give you something first? -Oh. -Just, um... I've wanted to do that for a while. -Goodnight, Jane Erstwhile. -Goodnight. 1 "She had had many a hint from Mr Knightley, -and some from her own heart..." -(sighs) -Oh, oh, I have one, too! Ooh. "Mr Darcy said to Jane, 'Jane, listen. "'Listen right now. "'If you were to sleep with me tonight, I would actually speak to you the next day, "'unlike any man that you will meet a hundred years from now.'" (humming music) Please. Please shut your hole. (laughs) Men and women wouldn't even touch before marriage, let alone be alone in the same room together. I don't think he would ever say something like that, and he was a gentleman. CHARMING: Mm. CHARMING: Why are we sewing again? I guess this is how women must have spent a lot of their time. Well,... if the men don't come back from hunting soon, I'm gonna ask for a refund. What about you, Miss Erstwhile? Are you enjoying yourself? It is a shame we are so awkwardly grouped. Two gentleman and three ladies, well, leaving you always to bring up the rear alone. If you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go to the library for a little while. -Jane. -Shh. I'm reading. Uh, you're not really allowed to read down on the sluice gate. OK? You know, this is off-limits, OK? This is... This is really very dangerous down here, OK? Anything could happen. I mean, I don't have to be reading. (sighs) Martin, come on. I'll go crazy if I have to sit up in that house all afternoon. You love it up there. All those guys paid to adore you. I mean, come on, check out the butler. He's got a 14-pack. -You're right. I'm gonna go find him. -Yeah? You win. EMMY THE GREAT'S 'ONLY YOU' # Can you hear me? # Came back only yesterday, moving further away. # Want you near me. # All I needed was the love you gave. # All I needed for another day. # And all I ever knew, # only you. # Sometimes when I think of her name, when it's only a game, # And I need you. # Listen to the words that you say. It's getting harder to stay, # When I see you. # WATTLESBROOK (over P.A.): Martin, the birds. I'll see you later? Yeah. I just got to put away a few fake birds. Maybe see you in the stables? (laughs): OK. ANDREWS: Marvellous spread. (indistinct conversation) -I'm gonna need a new inkwell in my room. -Are you? -Yeah, it's empty. -Really? And what are you going to pen while you're there? -(doorbell rings) -Maybe a little journal of your time and experiences? -Maybe the Declaration of Independence. -Oh really? - Sumptuous beans. My favourite. -Mm-hm. -Mmm. Yummy. Mmm. -I mean, how does one go about eating a fish this big? -They're so delicious. -(whispering) -Baked, stewed, refried. -Marvellous. -(clears throat, tapping on glass) Everyone. I have great news. Captain George East has just arrived from the West Indies. (door opens, wind whooshing, seagulls cawing) Good morning, ladies. -(whispers): You're beautiful. -(laughs) I hear you were just made captain. EAST: Mm. CHARMING: Oh, do tell us the story. ANDREWS: Oh, yes, we like stories. Please do. NOBLEY: Can't wait. I were raised on the sea. Ferrying goods between the islands. But when Napoleon struck, I joined arms with me British brothers. -Ooh. -Oh, bravi, bravi. Within months, I were first mate. And then came my moment of destiny. Imagine... one lone British frigate surrounded by four French war craft, cap'n dead on the deck. -"Surrender," came the cry. -Anyone buying this? "Never," said I. Did you die? Now I were tempted to surrender, but I had to hearten me men. "Death first." (sighs) But surely there could be no dishonour in surrender, with your captain dead and your men so outnumbered. When my seaman's heart tell me what to do, I do not fear to follow through. That rhymes. That rhymes. Oh. ...my seaman's heart bid me do thusly. -(chuckles): Oh. You are a most sensual creature. (chuckles): Oh, thank you. -Oh. -(chuckles) -Oh! (all chatting, laughing) (pop music playing faintly through headphones) -NOBLEY: Oh, I say. -Oh. NOBLEY: Steady on, Captain. (laughs) This is absurd. (grunts) -Oh! -Watch out, Nobley! ANDREWS: No, don't get up too quickly, George. I believe the ladies are needed in the drawing room with Mrs Wattlesbrook. Ah, Lizzie, darling. -I'll be along shortly. -I'm your humble servant, milady. WATTLESBROOK (over P.A.): Ladies, please join me in the parlour for my lecture series on bonnets, bosoms and vices. (hiccups) -Hi. -Hey. (Jane laughs gently) -What do we have planned today? -What, you couldn't find anyone else to flirt with today? I saw you parading around with those actors. I thought you weren't into that stuff. Maybe I am. Well, I've never really been able to respect the kind of women that come here, so... I guess I was fooling myself that you weren't one of them. What, so are you breaking up with me? Breaking up? I didn't realise we were going steady. No, sorry, I didn't... mean that. (TV playing, quiet chatter) WOMAN (over TV): If I was sane when I shot you, I would have aimed for your head. EAST: Ooh, did you see that? That was amazing, George. I mean, really beautiful acting. EAST: I had to drink human breast milk supplements to get arms that big. ANDREWS: Ugh. (chuckles) I mean, oh. Must be what makes your hair so shiny. Can I use your power socket? Well, you'll have to turn off the telly. George, do you mind? -Well, I... -Well, we'll watch it later. -OK. -Hmm. ANDREWS: Welcome to the Pleasure Dome. (chuckles) Thank you. MARTIN: Hey, George. -Hey, Martin. You good? -Yeah. Welcome back, eh. How are the ladies treating you this year? Well, I-I can't complain. I can't complain. You really let yourself go. What? Really? What? Oh, don't. Leave the boy alone. EAST: How is life in the stables? -My horses are less trouble than women. -Mm. (chuckles) What do you guys think of that girl Jane? -Uh, what's its name... -You know, Miss, um... -Erstwhile. -EAST: Oh, yeah, I could slap that between a bun. Well, she's a bit peculiar. EAST: She's hot. -She's all right. (piano playing classical music over recorder) AMELIA (off-key): # The flower of her kindred. No rosebud is nigh # to reflect back the blushes, # give sigh for sigh. # (button clicks, music stops) WATTLESBROOK: Perfect, Lady Heartwright. Perfect. I have no words to describe it. I say. I would die enraptured to hear you play, Miss Erstwhile. -Oh yes. -No, not tonight, not tonight. -Oh, go on, go on. -Please. WATTLESBROOK: Miss Erstwhile, I insist. (East farts) OK. (clears throat) Allow me. Thank you. I only really know one song. -Play that one, then. -Not surprising. (whispers): So I'll just play that. (clears throat) (playing upbeat pop music) # It's getting hot in here, # so take off all your clothes. I am getting so hot, # I'm gonna take my clothes off... # -(lid slams) -(Wattlesbrook clears throat) Why, I never. Oh. I think I will retire early. That was friggin' awesome. -(laughs) -(door closes) (piano playing, Charming singing off-key in distance) (chickens clucking) Where are you going? I didn't know... I became a ninja when startled in a strange place. (chuckles) My father, if he were alive, would die of shame. And here was I thinking that any father would be delighted to have a ninja as a daughter. (laughs) Um... Uh, excuse me. -Uh, Miss Erstwhile. -Yes? I don't know if you realise that... it's not proper in this particular time -- or any time -- for a lady to be alone after dark. OK. Let alone cavorting with the servants. "Cavort"? Did you just say "cavort"? that guy I really don't` Aren't you all righteous concern, Mr Nobley. Thank goodness you've saved me from sullying myself with the help. Don't be so ridiculous. Insufferable. Well, good evening, Miss Erstwhile. Oh, good evening, Mr Wattlesbrook. Up to some mischief, I hope? Uh, just needed some fresh air. If you'll excuse me. -No, stay a moment. -Oh. We might, uh, engage in a private game of whist. Oh, that's a four-person game. Little wink-wink, little nudge-nudge under the table. -Yeah, precisely my point. -No. This is so not Regency appropriate! Well, we can make it part of the game, dear. -Little role-play, a little... -Get off of me. Get off of me! (Mr Wattlesbrook yells) -Miss Erstwhile? Are you all right? -(Mr Wattlesbrook groaning) Whatever is the matter? I didn't have time to locate my breeches. Oh, Mr Wattlesbrook, not again. Little slag attacked me! -Ah, come here! -(Mr Wattlesbrook grunts) ANDREWS: I have to tell you the lads are not gonna cover up for you any more, I promise you. -Just don't tell the missus! -No, I won't tell the missus... NOBLEY: I'll escort you to your room. I'm OK now. Thank you. I just... (sighs) as long as there aren't any other Mr Wattlesbrooks lurking around. I cannot give Andrews a glowing reference, though I do believe you could... take him down. (laughs) Miss Erstwhile, are you sure there's nothing I can do for you? I'm... I'm fine. I should just go to bed. Goodnight. Apparently, I bought the cheap package. MOLLY: The cheap package? Are you kidding me? No. I don't even think my character gets the "happily ever after" storyline. MOLLY: I am going to kill that travel agent. I'm... I'm so mad I wasted all my money. MOLLY: OK, enough is enough. You just need to come home and... buy your Tercel back. Molly, I'm... kind of a mess, aren't I? -That's an understatement. -I mean, I want to get over all of this stuff, but... if I leave now, I'll always wonder "what if?" MOLLY: So what are you gonna do? I'm going to take charge of my story. An Austen heroine gets engaged by the end of the book, so that is what I am going to do. Why don't you go for Captain East! Look how hot he is. -And he's a soap star. -(gunfire) (groans) Captain East? OK. East it is. But can you help me, please? I mean... this is not gonna work. (sighs) I've prepared my entire life... for this very moment. (voices in distance) (quietly): Someone's coming. Hurry up. (Charming giggles) Heartwright had millions of them. (gasping) She's as dumb as a light post. She'll never notice. Oh my. (laughs): Wow! Watch my mouth. "Blahst"! "Blahst." (thick British accent): Bloody Americans! (deep grunt): Mm! JANE: M... Bloody Americans. -(deep grunt): Mm! -Mm! -You got it! You are the queen! -Really? ANDREWS: ...the family name's not Nobley at all, and that's a French affectation. -In fact, it's Knobble. -(Jane laughing) Knobble, just Knobble. You can tell by the way he... uses his chalk that he's a ladies' man. He doesn't have time for that kind of... ...conversation. -CHARMING: Don't mind me. -(glass shatters) -He's unusual sometimes, but he is rather shy. Do you think he hears us? He doesn't look over, and yet his expressions and mannerisms are a bit too determined, -don't you think? -Right you are, Miss Erstwhile. (chuckles) Of course I hear you. -JANE: Oh. -I'd have to be deaf not to, the way you lot are prattling on. I say, Nobley, you are being awfully tedious today. Mm. You know, alone with the chaps, he's really quite a pleasant fellow. -Really? -Yes. Oh, no, baby. My little kumquat, you've made yourself all wet. -Yeah. -Allow me. Oh. Look at you, all moist. Couldn't you just use a handkerchief? NOBLEY: Perhaps I don't find the conversation of women to be... stimulating. Oh, I just can't imagine why you're still single. Don't see a ring on your finger. -Nobley! -No, no, no, it's all right. I` I asked for it. I am single because apparently, the only good men are fictional. (laughs) Touche. Oh, and you think that there's any good women out there? Yeah. No, no, no, they-they profess honesty and fidelity, and then while you're away lecturing in Switzerland, they run off to Brazil with your mate! CHARMING: Get on with the game, you old windbag! Someone departin'. -(Charming gasping softly) -That's my truck. Mrs WATTLESBROOK: I have discovered an unmentionable amongst your things. Now, I believe I made it perfectly clear about the rules, Miss Erstwhile. We thank you for your stay, but I regret that your actions have forced me to cut it short. -What? -First, that horrid little song, and now this. You're really gonna kick me out? I'm afraid it is time for you to leave. Go get 'em, Charming. I'm so sorry, Jane. WATTLESBROOK: If you would be so kind as to step on to the cart. AMELIA: Mrs Wattlesbrook! Please, wait. This is all my fault. The modern contraption is... mine. (gasps) until I first arrived, and I was so distressed, Miss Erstwhile kindly offered to keep it for me where I would not have to look upon the eyesore. WATTLESBROOK (gasps): Oh. Well, um, I-I see. So, uh... apparently, this appears to be an accident, and... I-I think the best thing is we should pretend like it never happened. Oh. (laughs) WATTLESBROOK: Lady Heartwright, I do so hope that you will continue to honour us with your presence. -Yes. Of course. Thank you. -Oh! Oh! (both laughing) I forbid you to leave ever, Miss Erstwhile. -Oh. I... -We were just getting to know each other. (chuckles) Miss Erstwhile. Yeah. Hi. Um,... thank you for back there with Mrs Wattlesbrook. Oh, it was a pleasure to save you. And please, you must call me Amelia. Really? Uh... Make haste. Quickly. Um,... A-Amelia? (gasps) Dear Jane, now that we are bosom sisters, -Oh. -I can at last confide in someone. (exhales) Oh, Janey... (exhales) Last year, at the ball, -George... -MAN: Ahem. (whispers): George... East and I... became engaged. (gasping) It's true. (gasps) But alas... he was a poor sailor... and my father broke off the engagement without my assent. If... I try to explain this to him now, George will think I only want him back because he's become a wealthy captain. (squeaky sobs) (high-pitched): What am I to do? I sort of thought you were... into Nobley. Or is that not...? Dear Jane... I know you will help me find a way to be alone -with Captain East. -I don't really know, you know, what I could do. It pained me... to be so dishonest with Mrs Wattlesbrook back there. But so long as you... are my dearest friend,... I'll keep your secret. (gasps) Oh. Or should I say... secrets? Farewell,... bosom sister. (chamber music playing faintly, birds chirping) You know, I think being creative is a waste of time and money. Well, I love ribbons and feathers and colours. -(sighs) -Another blue tit, please, Miss Charming. -All right, but don't copy everything I do. (chuckles): I'll try. ANDREWS: Their hearts will positively burst from the rapture. (clears throat) I have something of the utmost urgency to report. -JANE: Mm-hm. -Who's game for a bit of amusement? -Me! Me! I'm so bored! -(Andrews laughing) Well,... Well, my cupcake, Mrs Wattlesbrook has only gone and surpassed herself, and has completed a brilliant theatrical. CHARMING: You don't look like you could read or write! It's just a trifle. three sets of lovers. And I thought, give us something to pass the time until the ball, we could rehearse it and perform it for our illustrious and distinguished authoress. Oh. (demure laugh) -No. -No what? Don't make me do a play. It's humiliating. That's not a question. It's out of the question, I'm afraid. -(others laugh) I've got a question. Who gets to pick the lovers?! Well, I'm thinking maybe ladies' choice. You know, maybe alphabetically. Oh, goody, goody! Eenie, meenie, miney, you! (giggles): Oh! -And you, Miss Erstwhile? -Oh. -Pick wisely, Jane. -Um... (East clears throat) I guess Mr Nobley. -JANE: Oh. Oh. You... -Oh. Uh... -I'll... -Sorry. Sorry. -That's OK. -S... (clears throat) OK, since we have to spend so much time rehearsing this thing, let's just... let's try not to annoy each other. You don't annoy me. You make me nervous. So, are you enjoying your stay? Really? We're making small talk now? OK. Um... Well, the house is amazing, but it's kind of like a corset -- I like the way it looks, but it's just... Hard to relax in it. But there is... there's so much to love here. I mean, the civility... The manners. The simplicity. The men. (laughs) The women. The paintings. They're really... Yes, you are an artist. No, no, no.. um, the thing is, those aren't real. They're just, like, stupid sketches. Who's that? Exactly. I'm sorry. They're not all like that. NOBLEY: No, no, it's, uh... it's a fair likeness; no apologies needed. It is curious,... however, that there are more of me than anyone else. I guess I've been trying to figure you out, without much luck. Surely you've come to some conclusions. You're the resident Mr Darcy. Come on, you're every girl's fantasy. So I'm your fantasy? You play your character very well. Right. -Shall we rehearse, then? -Yes. (indistinct chatter) Oh. JANE: Are they acting? (sighs) I don't know what's real or what's not any more. I mean... what if she actually is... In love with him? to confuse truth with fantasy? I mean, what's gonna happen when... the theatrical is over? Well, it's a dangerous kind of game to play. Don't you think, in their case anyway, those feelings that... you know, that they can run deeper and... If you'd have asked me a week ago, I'd... have said no. -Miss Erstwhile. -Yes? You're shivering. Thank you. (honking) WATTLESBROOK (over P.A.): Ladies, remember to wear your corsets nice and tight. -Oh. -Jane, hey. Martin. Where are the other guests? Uh, it's... part of the platinum package. I can't say that I miss that part. (chuckles) Stage curtain. I'll let you get to it, then. Oh. I'm sorry. -(orchestra playing fanfare) -(scattered applause) (seagulls calling, waves crashing) (harp plays a glissando) (man laughs) (loudly): I am Aphrodite, the goddess. Often fickle in my large arse. -(quietly): Largesse. -Largesse. CHARMING: I see some mortals there. Yes, two in love, yet in despair. -EAST: Prithee, fair maid, -(man whistles) -(bleating nearby) -have thou seen my lost... lamb? -Nay. Perhaps... you should listen for its bleat. -(woman bleating) (bleating) Go not to Athens, I pray thee, or my heart will truly break. (quietly): Uh, in faith and troth, -MAN: Can't hear you! -No, no, no, lou-louder. -NOBLEY: What? -Louder. -MAN: Speak up! In faith and troth, I have no time to love a lady. War is my mistress. (scattered laughter) -Line? -"I write poems of love." (high-pitched): I write poems of love... that no fair maid hears. -And I am shedding tears... -WOMAN: I love you, Andrew. ...that fall to the ground but do not maketh a sound, -like the land so blighted... -Oh, you're rubbish! Get off the stage, you wanker. -(scattered laughing) -Shh! -WATTLESBROOK: Really! -Philistines! CHARMING: I shall make everything all righty, because I... am -(Wattlesbrook mouthing words) -the beautiful -Aphrodite. (yells) Ooh! AMELIA: Can I pray thee, stranger, make me thy wife. (grunts) I seek no marriage but the cleavage... cleaving of... uh, my sword on mine enemy's flesh. Then I shall die this day! EAST: Thou cur! You break this lady's heart,... I will break your head. (recorded sound effect of clamouring crowd playing) (fierce grunt) (weapons clashing, fierce grunting) -(clamouring stops abruptly) -(East whimpers) WATTLESBROOK: Get an ice pack. NOBLEY: Sorry. -(East whimpers) -Oh, oh... (sound effect of hooves clopping and horse neighing plays) MAN: That's very good. That's very good. (laughs) WOMAN: Get on with it! Sorry. Um, uh, oh, uh, uh, what a tra... I've fallen upon my sword. Is that blood upon your breast? At last I am for the grave. (groaning) Then let me hold you as long as your breath lasts. NOBLEY: Oh, it's as if I have never known you before this moment, and naught else matters in this world but you and how my heart beats for you. -(Jane laughs quietly) -I love you. CHARMING (whispers): Just die, Nobley! Oh, sorry. Sorry. (melodramatic grunting) (groans) EAST: Oh no. We're all dead! (wolf whistle from audience) -(bleating) -CHARMING: And they all died forever. All dead. Forever. (quietly): Shut up, Fartwright. -(Amelia stops wailing) -(people clapping) (gasps) Oh. (laughs giddily) ANDREWS: Bravo! Bravo! -Oh! -Oh, Mrs Wattlesbrook, -you're a genius! -CHARMING: Such talent. WATTLESBROOK: Lady Heartwright, you make such a beautiful corpse. -You were... -You know, I was aiming for your cans, but they're such a small target. (gasps, sobs) (gasps, screams) -Whoa, whoa, whoa! -(screaming, gasping) (Amelia sobbing) AMELIA (sobbing): I'll never see again. -EAST: It's OK, my baby. -(sobbing continues) (whispers): Let's get out of here. Come on. -CHARMING: # Beautiful doll. # You great big beautiful doll. # (humming melody) (continues tunelessly) -(approaching footsteps) -(moaning) JANE (laughs): Come on. This way. Why are we running? Because a man and a woman should never be alone unless they're in motion. (giggles) (both panting) And what do the rules of etiquette say about being alone... in your bedroom? Right. (laughs) I should probably let you go before one of us gets into trouble. Um, I... I really had so much fun tonight. So did I. Hmm. (exhales) NOBLEY: Miss Erstwhile? Yes, Mr Nobley? Tomorrow evening,... can I reserve the first two dances with you? Yes, Mr Nobley. Miss Erstwhile, will you let me back in a moment? When I look at you, I feel... certain of something. (sighs) -Guess what? -What? I'm wearing my favourite pair of satin pink pantaloons, just in case. (suppressed laughter) -(whispers): Oh my God. -Look at that! CHARMING: We're gonna be the prettiest girls at the ball. -(classical music playing) -(indistinct chatter) Have fun tonight, Amelia. Oh. You look so beautiful. CHARMING: Piratey. It's infected. -I'm so sorry. -EAST: Maybe we should go. -CHARMING: Ship's ahoy. -Baby,... it's OK. CHARMING: She looks terrible. ANDREWS: # I was hoping to dance with a goddess tonight. # (gasps) Lordy. Smother me in butter and drop me in a saucepan. (chuckles) There she is, my Venus de Milo. -(hisses) -Oh... -Colonel Andrews. -Oh, Miss Charming. -Oh! Mmm! -Ew. Ew. (Andrews grunts) Mmm, mmm. Tally-ho. Oh, I can't wait to see your bedroom. ANDREWS: Ooh... (laughs) (classical music playing) -(laughs): Oh, hi. -Hey. Wow, you look... you look amazing. Thank you. You look very... very nice too. (laughs) Uh, where are all these people from? She's got everyone here. It's the gardener, the... maids, the servants. That guy over there, that's the taxidermist. -(laughs) -Yeah, he's particularly creepy. How` How is the baby horse? He's good. Yeah. He's talking and all that. Yeah. (Jane laughs) -Really? -Yeah. He said, "Where's Straw Girl?" (Jane laughing) -Mm. -I made an impression, I'm sure. Jane, I'm really into you, and if you want to get out of here, I mean... Miss Erstwhile? Shall we? (mouthing) (music ends) -Shall we? -Yes. CHARMING: You're the only one that looks like a colonel. (Andrews laughs) (baton tapping, waltz playing) -You're stunning. -Really? -You all right? -I'm fine. And you? You having fun? I'm taking an inordinate amount of pleasure from this evening. CHARMING: You're so light on your feet, you look like a nutcracker! (Charming laughs) NOBLEY: But none of it from the ball. I think you just complimented me. Jane,... I need to tell you something. I'm not meant to say or do these things -- my aunt would kill me, but... ANDREWS: Lizzie, you are my sun and my moon, my earth and my stars. -Marry me! -Marry you?! Oh my God, of course I will! Oh, God, I love you! I love you! EAST: You'd make me the happiest man alive, dear Amelia, if you'd be my wife. (gasps) Oh, George. Jane, remember our first night? Something about bad first impressions comes to mind. I know your opinion of me was horrible. -Uh... -I was... horrible. I was nervous. I felt out of place. And I certainly didn't intend on falling in love, but... I have. I can't imagine leaving this place without you. Please... tell me if I have any hope. Oh,... I didn't realise... this is how I'd feel at this part. Feel... what? You were right ` this is a dangerous kind of game. I don't wanna play any more. What do you want? (sighs) I want something real. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey. Do you still wanna get out of here? Uh, yeah. Goodnight, Your Majesty. (crying): I-I didn't think I was touching you inappropriately. Well, you did, and if we're to be together, you must never, ever do anything like that ever again. -If we're to be together. -Oh. Even Prudence is getting some. (Jane laughing) -You ready? -Yes! (Jane gasps, laughs) So, Wattlesbrook got Nobley to propose to me tonight. -Yeah, classic. -(heavy sigh): Yep. Is that when you walked out? Just... Man, what a tart. Ah. I have to admit, his character was pretty dreamy. Yeah. I wouldn't marry him, um... (Jane laughing) -Bad knees? -Did he mention his knees? I'm an even bigger nerd than I thought, though. I mean, there were actual moments when I really did believe it was real. Don't feel bad. I mean,... Wattlesbrook hires the best actors around. Yeah. And, uh,... some of her clients, you know, aren't half bad, either. (sighs) I'm so glad you're outside of the fantasy. Makes it easier to walk away from it all. You know, my flight leaves tomorrow, but I could, uh, see if I could change it, stay a few extra days in London. That's an offer I... I'm not gonna refuse. I fancy seeing you in... I don't know, some trousers or... -(giggles) -Do you wear anything less... 1800s, ever? -Do you? -Yeah, I do. The short shorts. -(laughs) WATTLESBROOK (over P.A.): Please bring soiled petticoats, -undergarments... -Oh, Jane. -Lizzie! -Are you off? I'm off. I'm packing up. Hey, you know, I wanted to say just thanks for everything. And I made this for you. All the sewing we did. I think she's way prettier than me, don't you think? (laughs) Oh, that's really great needlepoint. I thought I would stay on and, uh, check out all the new recruits. You know, make sure that all of them know that Colonel Andrews is taken. And then I thought I would ask Miss Wattlesbrook if... I can buy the place. You should. Lizzie, you know, I think... I think that Colonel Andrews... I think he, um, that he might be, um... (chuckles) ...perfect for you. Oh, Jane, thank you. I was so afraid you were gonna say you thought he was gay. (laughs, sighs) AMELIA: Adieu! Farewell! (laughs): Whoa. (American accent): God, that was the best time so far. Except for the eye gouging. You're not British? -Whoa. -AMELIA: Well, that's where two years of private drama tutoring will get you. You ended up with Nobley, right? He was such a bore, but, you know, he did a good job of being into you. He asked me to pretend your cell phone was mine. It's so sad when the trip is over, but, frankly, I am dying for a massage. My husband's old. Very old. WATTLESBROOK (voice-over): And I trust you discovered rewarding romance with one of the gentlemen? Um, actually,... there was someone, but not Mr Nobley, as you may have intended. (laughs) Oh, my dear, Henry was never meant for you. No, his job was to take care of Lady Heartwright until George East finished his little show. No, Martin was scripted for you right from the very beginning. No, but he's... Martin's a servant. you've seen my servants. I had to take him out just for a little while, because things were, uh, steaming up. Oh, but I had every confidence that he could woo you back. And your timing was very fortunate. Most of the ladies just get a litter of kittens. The foal is the showstopper. (whispers): The foal? I trust you would like to be on your way, Jane. More than ever. No, not at all. And please, you know, don't take it personally when I shut you down. -Shut me down? -I wasn't the first guest Mr Wattlesbrook assaulted, was I? I should be able to find other complaints in no time. -But... -(door opens, closes) Oh. MARTIN: # ...bright eyes. # Every now and then I fall apart. # Wow, lovely, eh? Tied your cravat just a wee bit too tight, didn't you? To be honest, I can't believe you didn't get Jane. I mean, she was... she was anyone's. Oh! (laughing) Whew. (sighs) Mad dog over there. ANDREWS: Colonel Andrews speaking. Yes. Yes, no. I-I'll tell him right away. Yes. (mouthing) Yes. Yes, you have a good day. Of course. Bye-bye. Martin, that was the old girl back at the house. Appears you're still on the clock. You're to go to the airport and smooth some ruffled feathers pronto. (video game beeping) (jet engines roaring) Hi. No luggage. No. MAN (over P.A.): ...UK638 for Toulouse is delayed due to the late arrival of the inbound aircraft. WOMAN (over P.A.): This is a passenger announcement. Can Jane Erstwhile please report to the information desk? That's Jane Erstwhile to the information desk. Hi. I think they... I'm really sorry you didn't know, OK? I'd still like to spend the night together. -(laughs) -Yeah? You are an actor! (sighs) But you're desperately in love with me anyway? -Jane... -And these-these sudden passionate feelings that sent you running after me have nothing to do with Mrs Wattlesbrook's fear that I'm gonna report her delinquent husband? -Of course not. OK? -Right. I know it all seems shady, but romances have bloomed on stonier ground. Did Wattlesbrook write that line? Because we know you didn't. -OK, she wrote the line, OK. -Right. But I'm the one standing here saying it. Jane! Jolly good, the prefect's here to save the day. Jane, you can't believe anything he's-he's said. I've only just realised now that Martin was assigned to you. I know, I-- yeah. So, what are you doing here? It's just that I don't think you understand that -I'm not what you think I am. -Uh-huh. I have fallen for you. My aunt was an actor, sure. She's an odd woman, I know, but she was desperate. What I'm saying is that your first week at the manor was my first week too. I'm not an actor! Ugh, don't listen to him, Janey. You were paid to kiss me! As far as you are concerned, I am Miss Erstwhile. I mean, it's so embarrassing. What, do you keep a supply of pregnant horses just laying around or something? -What? -You're not a vet! I did a biology class at school. Come on, you were acting too. Look, before you go and make your report, you should know, gorgeous, that what we had was real. NOBLEY: No, you didn't. What we had was real. Didn't we? Surely you felt it seeping through all these-these costumes and pretence. He's still acting. It's just all part of his act. He's-- See the costume? He's an actor. You're just jealous, aren't you? Because my aunt would rather bring in a complete novice than move some... Kiwi actor up to the big house. Ah, it's part of the Commonwealth. Couldn't you get a job on "The Hobbit"? That's it, Shakespeare. -No. -(grunts) You guys! Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just don't actually-actually strangle him. All right, all right, all right. -Take that, England! -Get off my shirt! -That's my foot! -Get up! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -OK, OK. No, no, no. -Hey, let me, let me... -I'm... Stop! -Jane. -No. No! It is over! I am done with all of this! (sighs) That felt good. I should've done that a long time ago. Yeah. Excuse me. Did you hear that, England?! I am officially over it! (P.A. chiming) WOMAN (over P.A.): ...airlines flight SA435... That's my cue to exit. Boys, it has been a pleasure. Thank you for that, and I'm sorry. Hey, Jane, Jane, Jane, wait, wait, wait. Hey... hey, I... I never lied to you. It doesn't even matter that you weren't real. You were perfect. Thank you. (sighs) (sighs heavily) MOLLY (over phone): You're back! -Hello to you too. -I'm coming over. All right, I'll see you in a minute. (sighs softly) (knocking on door) That was quick. Come on in. (tea kettle whistling softly) Do you want some tea? Love a cup, thank you. What are you doing here? Well, um,... you left this. Thanks. You could've mailed it. I... I could have. You're right. What was I thinking? (chuckles softly) Wait a minute. Hey, um, you know, I-I'm not gonna report your aunt, so it was a little overkill to send you all the way here. She didn't send me. or whoever you actually are... My name is Henry. It's Henry Nobley. I'm a history professor. That's really nice. I used to think my aunt's profession was somewhat grotesque, but the truth is I enjoyed stepping into history. The idea of a simpler world where love is straightforward and lasting. I believe we have that in common. But all of this is secondary to the fact that I am completely mad about you. Oh right. Well, you... may have been mad about Miss Erstwhile, but you... you don't even know me. Uh... You are Miss Erstwhile. I saw you in the theatrical. You were horrifying. Whoa, wait a minute. You were horrifying. I was... -I wasn't great. -My point exactly. Neither one of us are capable of pretending. Nobley, I just don't think this is a... The night of the ball, you said you wanted something real. I'd like to believe that I am real. Is it possible that... someone like me can make you happy? Will you let me try? No. See, people don't do this. I mean, this is my fantasy. This isn't... Have you stopped to consider that you might have this all backward? Jane... you are my fantasy. Tally-ho. Tally-ho. (birds chirping) (crowd cheering) Welcome to Austenland! Hello, everybody! Enjoy yourselves! Oh my goodness. (women cheering) Move, move, move! Movey, move! Honey, honey, ew! No touchy, no touchy. (shrieks) Georgie! Georgie! Oh, get off it! (shrieks) I love you, Captain! Georgie! (horn honks) That's a very sexy bonnet. Knob off. ...and we lost the whole thing because... Just leave me alone! This is truly my fantasy. (laughs) (laughs) # Oh. (hip-hop music) # Wanna little bit of uh-uh # and a little bit of uh-uh. # A little bit of, # just a little bit of, # just a little bit, just a little bit of. # I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious. Uh, flirtatious, trying to show faces. # Waiting for the right time to shoot my steez, you know, # waiting for the right time to flash them keys. Then I'm leaving, please believing. # Oh, me and the rest of my heathens. Check it, I got it locked at the top of the Four Seasons. # Penthouse, rooftop, birds I'm feeding. No deceiving, nothing up my sleeve. No teasing. # I need you to get up, up on the dance floor, give that man what he asking for. # Cos I feel like busting loose and I feel like touching you, uh, uh. # Can't nobody stop the juice. So, baby, tell me what's the use? I said it's getting hot in here. # So take off all your clothes. # I'm gonna take my clothes off. # It's getting hot in here. # So take off all your clothes. # I am getting so hot, # I want to take my clothes off... # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.