1 IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 With your host, Peter Graves. Although no-one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men In Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that "never" happened from one of their files that doesn't exist. The leaders of Zartha flee their planet in order to escape the clutches of the evil Kylothian, Serleena. Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring with them their greatest treasure, the Light of Zartha. A cosmic force so powerful that in the wrong hands, it could lead to the annihilation of Zartha. The Zarthans's princess, Lauranna beseeched the Men In Black to hide the Light from Serleena. But they had no choice. Intervention would have meant the destruction of the Earth. However, in an act of galactic bravery, the Men In Black subdued Serleena, allowing the Zarthans to escape so they might hide the Light on another planet. Serleena, released from her captors, vowed that the Light would be hers and that she would destroy any planet that stood in her way. And so, never knowing what happened, the people of Earth were once again saved by a secret society of protectors known as the Men In Black. (BARKS CONTINUOUSLY) Harvey! Harvey, get over here! Harvey! Heel, heel! You're barking at the moon, moron! (BARKS) Harvey! Harvey! Harvey! (BARKING) (SQUEAKING) (BARKS) (ROARS) (WHIMPERS) (RASPING) Hey, pretty lady. You taste good. Hey, what the...?! (ROAR!) (GUZZLING) Yeah, you, too. (RUMBLING / RETCHING) Nothin' fancy, no heroics, by the book this time. Got it. Hey! Ooo! Er, hey, Jeff, what's happenin', buddy? We were wonderin' what you're doin' here. Man's talkin' to you! Er, you know our arrangements, Jeff, you stay inside the E, F and R subway lines and you can eat inorganic garbage. What the hell are you doin' here?! Er, Tee? Jeff? Er, excuse my partner, he, he's new and he's... Whaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa! Whoo! ..kinda stupid. Whoo! (SNARLS) Ooo! You gettin' big, Jeff, what you been eatin'? Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh! Oh, you like jokes, huh? Jeffrey? Argh! Hey! Ah! Yargh! Alright. Sweet dreams, big boy. Argh! Aaaarrrggghhh! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! (LAUGHS) Sweet dr-e-e-e-e-e-eams,... ..big boy. Transit Authority! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system. Yo, people! We got a bug in the electrical system! (SCREAMING) Oh, now y'all runnin'. No, no, no, no, sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600-foot worm. (ROARS) Everybody out before I start knockin' heads. Put the hammer down on this thing. I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, I decide what happens. Oh! Oh, you decide? Oh, OK. Come here, come here. Larry? Yeah. That's my man Jeff. (ROARS) Larry made a decision. Larry needs to take his ass in there. Yeah. (ROARS) Don't make me do this, Jeff! (DISTANT SIRENS WAIL) 81st Street. Just a second. May I have your attention, please? We would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten cos you don't listen, you're ignorant. I come bashin' through... That's the problem with all New Yorkers. "Oh, we've seen it all." "Oh, no, a giant worm! Save us, Mr Black Man!" I say nicely, "Move to the next car" and y'all just sit there like... Thank you for being in our drill. We hope you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step. You all have a nice evening. I need a clean-up crew at 81st and Central Park West. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately and escort him back to Chamber Street station. And will somebody please check the expiration date on the unipod worm tranquillisers? Sorry, fellas, station closed. Emergency drill, for your safety. Do you believe these putzes? You're welcome(!) Ah! (SIGHS) I know, by the book. Tee, when was the last time we just looked at the stars? This is a test, I can do this. You ever feel like you're alone in the universe? Yes. No. I'm gonna buy you a piece of pie. Really? Thanks. Hey, you're not alone in the universe. Remove the arm. OK. Please shut up, Charlie. I'm tired of you constantly talkin' behind my back. You meet a beautiful girl and the best line you can come up with is, "Wanna come back to my place for tonsil hockey and egg salad?" Whoa! Who, who are you and how'd you get in? You like egg salad? Serleena! (SHRIEKS) Why didn't you say... it was you? I got your message. Where's the Light? Here's the deal. You've been after this Light thing and we found it. You want it, it's gonna cost ya, 50 mil. Here's how it's gonna work. First - Where is... the Light? (BOTH SCREAM) We couldn't find the Light, but we tracked it to a guy who might know where it is. He runs a pizza parlour on Spring Street. Let's go. And wipe your nose, idiot. Oh, good pie! Yeah. Crowded. Yeah, they got good pie. (SOBS) Man, what is wrong with you? You're gonna neuralyse me. No, I'm not. You took me out in public so I wouldn't make a scene. You makin' a scene. Look, lemme ask you a question. Why did you join MIB? Six years in the marines, I like action, protect the planet. Like bein' a hero. You joined the wrong organisation. You ever heard of James Edwards? No. Well, he saved the lives of about 85 people on the subway tonight. No-one knows he exists. And if no-one knows he exists, how can anyone ever love him? (SOBS) Hey, how long we been partners? Feb one. Five months, three days. Started at noon. Nine hours. Get married, have a bunch of kids. OK. Excuse me. Er, my buddy's kinda shy, but he thinks you are hot. Here it is. Ta-da! God, I don't know what to say. People will see that plaque, you know what they'll say? Employee is spelled wrong? They charge by the letter. They'll say, "Imagine, big shot like her used to work here". Ben - You deserve it. Bring up a case of Mountain Dew. (MEWS) Hey, Bruno. Two slices of pizza and information about the Light of Zartha. Please, whoever you are, don't hurt me! Where's the Light, Ben? I don't know what you're talking about! Please, let me down! (I wanna report a robbery.) There. Noise. Kitchen! Oh! You idiots see anything? Wind blew the door open. Nothin' outta the ordinary. For 25 years, I've searched the universe for it, but it never left Earth, did it, Ben? You kept it here. What are you talking about? Where is the Light of Zartha? I swear, I don't know what you're talking about! Listen, Zarthan, you hid the Light on Earth and I will find it. Once we have the Light, Zartha will be ours. (EVIL VOICE) You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight, the Light will leave the third planet for home. Sorry you made the trip for nothing. Got nothin' outta him! Now we don't know if it's on Earth or not! He said third planet, it's here, you idiot. Third Rock from the Sun. I never got that till now. It's on Earth and I know who's gonna tell me where it is. Don't you ever go home? Nope. See you neuralysed another partner. B, D, next time you use a fission carbonizer, put a deatomiser on the barrel so it's not like a cannon. Yes, sir. Get some booties, you're crappin' up the floor. I'm broke, Jay. Check this Prionaesian's visa, Cephalopods have been making counterfeits at Kinko's. And will somebody please explain to me why I have a dead Tricrainasloph going through passport control? That'd be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralyse me, sir. What's that supposed to mean? Nothing, sir! Good work in the subway. I remember Jeff when he was yea high. What you got for me? You see those guys out there in black suits? They work here, too. Zed, come on, man, what you got? Dedication's one thing, but if you let it, this job will eat you up. You wanna look like me when you're 50? Ish? I'll be in the gym if you need me. Alright, there was a killing earlier, 177 Spring. Alien on alien. Why don't you take Tee with you and make a report? Ah, Tee, right. Um,... ...what happened, see, what happened with Tee... Passports, no rush. How they hangin', Jay? You have got to stop neuralysing MIB personnel. The dude was cryin' in the middle of the diner. I hate that! Plus, you can't count L. She wanted to go back to the morgue, I just helped her. You need a partner. I'm cool. I'll be his partner. Jay, wait up! I appreciate it, thought I'd never leave the mail room. Lose the suit. Sure thing, partner. Just goin' for the look. But I do find the overall effect very slimming. Not that I've had any problems with the ladies or what have you. Whoa, nice sled! Very swank! Heated seats? Sometimes I get hives. # And I learned to get along and so you're back # From outer space # I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face # I should have changed that stupid lock # I should have made you leave your key # If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me # Go on, now go, walk out the door # Frank! Bring your head in this window before I roll it up in there. Got it. (HUMS TUNE) Frank! My money, it's missionary. So I was in the Bowery the other night and I meet this Great Dane. Thick in the body, but pretty in the face. That's just not appealin' to me, man, seriously. OK, OK. So I say we do the good cop, bad cop thing. You interrogate the witness and I growl. (GROWLS) How 'bout we do the good cop, dumb dog thing and you shut up? You got it, partner. Total silence. Absolute quiet. Not a word outta me. What do we got? (Easy.) What do we got? Phosphorous residue on the wall and floor. We sent samples in for analysis. Jay, zero percent body fat! (LAUGHTER) Funny. Witness? Girl. Saw everything. She's taking it pretty well. Listen, I want my questions answered now! I wanna know what happened here! I think I'd better handle this one. You got it. Alone. The talkin'-dog thing might be too much for her. What do you want me to do? Sniff around. (LAUGHTER) What?! Funny. Take a deep breath, it's all gonna be alright. Just what part of this is she supposed to feel alright about? I'm Agent Jay. Why don't you tell me exactly what you saw? A two-headed guy and a woman in leather. Caucasian? Grey, with tentacles in her hands that she used to rip - The skin off of his body. Actually, it's a protoplasma polymer similar to the chemical make-up of the gum in baseball cards. What'd you eat prior to the incident? Calzone. What time? Lunch. Spinach? Mushroom. Hm. You need pie. A light, they just kept asking Ben about a light. Light of Zartha, something like that. Are you OK? An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished right in front of my eyes because of a woman with things on her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's OK(!) Look, when we're kids, before we're taught what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. Now, I know what I saw, you tell me what I'm supposed to believe. I'm a member of a secret organisation that polices and monitors alien activity on Planet Earth. Ben was an alien, as were his killers. Now, I don't know why they did it, but I promise I'll find out. OK. OK? OK. OK. Oh. Er,... ...I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to... Kill me. No! (CHUCKLES) No, just a little flash and everythin' goes back the way it was. After you... flash me, if I see you again, will I know it's you? I'll see you,... ...but you won't see me. Must be hard. Must be very lonely. (BLEEPING) (SIGHS) Excuse me. I gotta go. What about the flashy thing? Er,... ..I'll flash you some other time. # "Who Let The Dogs Out" - Baha Men (FRANK BARKS TO THE BEAT) (TURNS MUSIC OFF) What? You tell the girl you love her? Hey, man, she's a witness to a crime, that's it. Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not my species and I'm attracted! I'm supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass? Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it. 1 Hey, Jay, wait up. Comin' through, MIB brass! Look sharp! I'm Agent F, Agent Jay's new partner. Who you eyeballin', huh? Frank, just cool out, dawg. (LAUGHS) Got kids? No. Want 'em? (SNARLS) Get him off me! "Talk to me." It's Kylothian, class C. "Serleena." Serleena. Old girlfriend? She wishes. The perps were looking for the Light of... Zartha. Yeah. What is it? This makes no sense. The Light's not on Earth, we took care of it. Well, obviously not. This is very bad news. 25 years ago, the Zarthans came here to hide the Light from Serleena. Well, we don't do that. Right. That's why I ordered it off the planet. Well, Zed,... ..I got a Kylothian class C in my park, man, you sure this Light isn't still here? Positive! I gave the order, my best agent carried it out. It's as if I gave the order to you. Let's ask the agent. Can't. Dead? Sort of. He works at the Post Office. No! If Serleena gets to Kay before we do, he's dead. The Earth's existence may rest on what Kay knows. Too bad you wiped out his entire memory of it. Bring him in,... now. How cool is this! Going to get Kay. The legend, the go-to guy, your mentor, the guy who taught you all you know, the greatest agent in MIB history! Frank! Stop talkin'. Stay. Hey, listen, partner, I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth. (BARKING) Whoa! Whatever. Wipe your mouth. Hey, babe! (PINGING) Good people of Truro, Massachusetts, please listen. In order to facilitate your shipping needs, I remind you all packages must be properly wrapped. This one is an example of go home and do it again. I think you know what I mean, Mrs Vigushin. (LAUGHTER) Brown paper and triple-twist twine are the preferred media. Thank you for your time. Kay. C. Express mail, two-day air. Kevin. (LAUGHS) Wow! Kevin, that's funny. You just, you don't have, like, a Kevin... You don't remember me, but we used to work together. I never worked in a funeral home. Can I help you, slick? OK, er, straight to the point. (You belonged to an organisation that monitors aliens on Earth.) (We're the Men In Black, we need your help.) (There's a free mental health clinic on Lilac and East Valley.) Next! Excuse me! Hey! 20 Rugrat stamps please. Elizabeth! Our postal service hasn't kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps. No. Er, opera legends? No. American Samoa? No. Amish quilts? Excuse me, sweetie. I'm sorry, got a world to save here. There was no coma, it was a cover. Who are you? Question is, who are you? Postmaster here and I'm ordering you to leave. Kay? Is that decaf? Sorry. Alright, people, we have a breach. Farrell, cordon off the area, Billings, full perimeter wipedown. Kay? Farrell, escort all nonessential civilians from this site. Yes, sir. Listen to yourself, Kay. Who talks like that? Boo! (BEATBOX) (BEATBOX) (BEATBOX) (BEATBOX) Why do you think you're comfortable here? Just about everybody working in a post office is an alien. # "Speed Demon" - Keel No smoking. (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) Kay? In Vegas, I saw Siegfried and Roy fly a tiger around a room. Your act is nothin' special. When you look at the stars at night, you get a feelin' in your gut like you don't know who you are. Like you know more about what's out there than down here. That's why she left you, Kay. That's why your wife left you. OK. I tell you what, if you decide you wanna know who you really are, you come take a ride with me. If not, people are waitin' for their TV guides. Think he'll bite? If things don't add up, it's hasta luego, you know what I mean? Hey, Kay? How's it hangin'? Good to see you, Kay. Good to see you, too, whoever you are. Well,... let's see what you got here, Chief. Welcome back, Agent Kay. Agent Kay! Greetings, Kay. Wow, look who's back! Excuse me, Agent Jay... God, you're Agent Kay! That's what they tell me. This is an honour. (GIBBERING) The legend, most respected agent in MIB's history most feared human in the universe, in the flesh. Can I buy you a coffee, hear your war stories? Black, two sugars, if you're going. An honour. Welcome back, Agent Kay! I'll take a, er,... My man! How'd it go? "The Drolacks are gone and the treaty is signed." Good work! "What about the position you promised me in Men In Black?" Still working on the alien affirmative action program. I'll keep you posted. "That's not what you promised me." You're breaking up. "Zed?" I can't hear you. "Hello?" I'll call you back. "I could be Agent M. Zed, you..." (DIALLING TONE) (LAUGHS) Kay! Earth's in a bad way and you may be the only one who can save it. Well, neither rain, sleet, snow... Good man. Get him armed and up to speed and over to deneuralysation. Frank? Yeah? I'm gonna need them together on this one. Ouch. I'm lookin' for a new assistant. It's not field work, but you get better dental. Dental? The tech unit contains the universe's most advanced technologies. What's this? All is lost! All is lost! Don't touch that! I didn't do anything. Hands... in your pockets. Your favourite weapon. That? Yep. Let's go put it on. What? The last suit you'll ever wear,... again. The... The deneuralyser. Soon, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking hidden information holding the key to Earth's survival. OK. What's that thing? The deneuralyser. Welcome to Planet Earth. There are some rules and regulations. Go out only at night. If you must go out in daylight, only the East Village. (HUBBUB) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Name and planet of origin? Sylona Gorth, Planet Jorn. Kaluth system. Any fruits or vegetables? Yeah, two heads of cabbage. Reason for visit? Education. I wanna learn to be an underwear model. They told me I've got real potential. Mm-hm. Help! Heart attack! Clear! Wake up, champ! Oh, Jeez! Lockdown. Code 101. Lockdown. This is not good! This is not good! Breach! We're being firewalled and flushed! Flushed? Yep. Ever been to a water park? I don't know. Whoo! Flushed! Man, back when you was an agent, you used to love getting flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be, like, "Flush me, Jay!" I'd be like, "Naw". You can't quit on me now, Kay. I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars. Cool. Hop in. Hop in what? Does that come as standard? It came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over. Yep. . Silly planet. Could rule it, with the right set of mammary glands. Trapped like rats... in a Chia Pet. Computer, surveillance MIB. Hm. MIB's locked down. Computer, magnify. Times ten. Communicator, Frank. Jay, where are you, Partner? We got flushed. MIB's code 101. Yeah, who did it? Some hot-lookin' biker chick. Want me to tail her? Stay where you are, I'll keep in touch. Yeah, stay where I am. Easy for you to say. Have you found Kay? Neuralysed. Not active, civilian. What? But he was - Here to get deneuralysed. Deneuralysed? Memory shot, erased. We'll find him. Don't put anything in our ears. What? I found that in the pocket of my coat. Weird, huh? Yeah, you're smilin'. Was that the only deneuralyser? Only official one. The plans leaked out on the Internet. Computer, Internet. Deneuralyser. Perfect, it's an old friend. Hey, Jay, ain't seen you in a while! Yo, did you peep that drop-top thing out front? My business is bangin', dawg! You gotta check out the website, it's Jeebsie... OK, whoa! He's retired, right? We need the deneuralyser. You're kiddin'? Meter's runnin', Jeebs. Do you... remember me? Can't say I do. I'm good with faces, so I, I think I'd remember that. (LAUGHS) The great Kay's a neutral! You're keepin' me from my memories, pal. You have the deneuralyser thing or not? No. Fresh out. Can't help you. Huh! I don't got it. Even if I did, if it doesn't work, he dies, you blow my head off. If it does work, I brought back Kay who blows my head off. So, what's my incentive? OK, homie. I keep it downstairs, next to the snowblowers. "Alien prisoners released, armed and ready for your orders." Prisoners of MIB, the scum of the universe. Well, now it's the scum's turn. See, I'm in a bit of a jam, so I'll make this simple. I need the Light of Zartha and Kay knows where it is, so... ..whoever brings Kay to me gets Earth. Find a deneuralyser, they're gonna wanna restore his memory. Check. Now. Jarra, good to see you. O-K, that should do it. If I could have your attention while we review the safety procedures? Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. And if at any point during the ride you become disoriented, there's nothing we can do about it. Have you removed all your jewellery? Are you allergic to shellfish? Jeebs! Right, then, smoke 'em if you got 'em! Have you ever used this? I used the exhaust to make hot-air popcorn. OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n! Hm. Perfect! You're back. No. How'd you know his head grows back? It grows back? (HIGH PITCHED) Real nice! That's the last time I help out a friend! Kay, you remember anything? Goodbye. Kay! Kay, wait! I-I-I never got the updated software. (Still working off the 6.0.) Your brain needs to reboot! Give it a minute. Kay! Bottom of my heart, Jay, I'm really sorry. Hope this doesn't affect our friendship. All those years of loyalty and trust, respect for one another. Right over there! Where's Kay? He's not here! He... Kay is retired, I'm his trigger-happy replacement. Great, right in the pie hole! Now nothing'll taste right! Lower your weapon. No! (GRUNTS) Jay! How are you, boo-boo? Look, these guys really need Kay. He's a neutral. Tell me somethin' we don't know. Tell me somethin'... Atchoo! I am so sorry. God bless you. Thank you. Look, if I don't bring Kay back to MIB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass. Where is he? Where's who? You don't look too good. Yeah, and you look like crap. (LAUGHTER) I take that back, he look like crap. (LAUGHTER) Bend him! Bend him. Oh, damn! No, don't bend him. (YELLS) Damn decent of you. Don't mention it. (YELLS) I think I'm gonna be sick. You don't wanna do that. Fellas, I think he's tellin' the truth. Then he's no good to us. Argh! Didn't I teach you anythin', kid? Pineal eye! Go for the tendrils! Argh! (CLANK! CLANK!) Kay, he's a ball chinian. Oh! Looks like you were in a tight spot. I had this one handled. You need a partner. I had one, job got too tough for him. I'm back. You got some dust on you. So, you got your memory back. Yeah. What the hell is goin' on? Dunno. OK, what is the Light of Zartha? Never heard of it. Cool. How come you don't remember the Light of Zartha? I neuralysed myself to keep the information from me. Ah! Good plan. Wait, what are you doin'? I always do the drivin'. Wait! Whoa! I remember that! What you remember is drivin' that old, busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness. Old and busted, new hotness. Old, busted hotness. Serleena, please. Been a long time, Zed. I'm touched you remembered me. Makes me fuzzy all over. I never forget a pretty... whatever you are. Oof! Zed? (GROANS) Zed! Look at you! 25 years and you're still such a looker. Cut out meat and dairy. And look at you, same pile of squirmy crap in a different wrapper. Oh, so feisty. Look, Zed, we both need the same thing. Bring him in. I don't think so. Have we forgotten the little secret of the Light? If it's not off Earth by midnight, it self-destructs, annihilating your planet. Here's the deal, I lose, you lose, I win, everything keeps spinning. You don't want the Light on Earth any more than I do. (DIALS OUT) Alright, Serleena. You win. (MICHAEL JACKSON) "Zed, is that you? I could be Agent M." "Zed? Hello?" Yah! (GRUNTS) So feisty. The fastest way to MIB is take this right on 39th. Right here, right. Next right on 37th. Right here, 30, 30... Right! We're not going to MIB. Headquarters has been breached! We need to bust in there and peel some caps and split some wigs! Not ready. Look, you've been out for five years and that's a long time. I understand you're a little scared, I'm a little scared, too. I'm not scared. Me, neither. I, I just thought we was bondin'. Five years, you're still like a rookie. Splitting wigs, stepping on caps. No wonder Zed brought me back. Zed brought you back cos you messed up. Your attitude makes for a stressful environment. Tell it to the hand! A stressful environment is what we got at MIB right now. Serleena thinks I have the Light, she broke into MIB to lure me back. Into a trap. Which is why we don't need to be bustin' in there, we gotta have a plan. Where we goin', scene of the crime? You're the boss. Yeah, scene of the crime. That's a left, dawg. Here it is. I'll contact the eyewitness, we can talk to her. We used to neuralyse the witnesses. See, I, I, um,... Originally, I, um,... No, I, um, I was, I was gonna, er,... Well, we... I interrogated her. Then neuralysed her. What do you mean? MIB procedural code 773/I-1 states that all civilian personnel... Drop that weapon! No, no, no! Jay, I'm, I'm sorry! No! No, no, I'm fine, it's my fault, er,... Kay, my partner, Laura, the witness. Pleasure. Jay, thanks for sending the agents to keep an eye on me, it was sweet. MIB procedural code 594-B states that MIB personnel shall never be used for any other purpose. Ben,... ...the Zarthan was vaporised here, so I'm assuming the perp was over in this direction. Ben. Was he about 5' 7", portly fella, thinning hair? You knew him? Nope. Never seen him before. That is a hell of a fish. Wait a minute. You left yourself clues. In case I had to be deneuralysed when my replacement screwed up. If the joker that got deneuralysed hadn't created the situation - Boys! Alright. You're pointin' at somethin'. (You got...) Excuse me. The astronaut. (SIGHS) Jay? OK, alright now, he's pointin'. He's, he's like, he's like... Who would stack pizza boxes like this? A pizza box stacker not stackin' pizza boxes, he's leavin' clues. It's an arrow. Jay? You're slowin' me down, Slick. Whatever we're lookin' for is in these cabinets. Anchovy filets in virgin olive oil. I hope I'm not slowin' you down(!) Good work, Partner. Yeah. Now we have to figure out where it goes. I know where it goes. Whoa! No, not yet. MIB procedural code 773 clearly says - I know the code, Kay, but, no, she might be important to me. To us, er, well, for help, to help us later. Well, she can't stay here, they'll be back. You can stay with friends of mine. People like you? Kinda. Jay! Ah! Low bridge! What's goin' on, man? (LAUGHS) What's happenin'? MIB is code 101. (SHOCKED CHATTER) Oh, man! Very bad! Yeah, listen, I need your help. This is Laura. (ALL) Laura! Easy, easy! They're worms. (ALL) Once you go worm, that's what you'll yearn! Yeah! That's what they say. They just... I've dated worse. They're suspended for stealing from the duty-free shop. We were framed. Zed's wormophobic! (ALL) Kay! You're back! Heard you were dead. You look good! We're double-parked. Laura's very important to me. To us, to the stuff... Me and you, the stuff we're doin'. Keep an eye on her for me. I'll keep both of them on her. No problem! Hey, hey, hey! Why don't you sit here? Like you got a shot! Ah, shut up! (SPEAKS SPANISH) Waka! My communicator, in case you need it. (ALL) Ooo! OK. Um,... Oh, er, just... ..watch out for Neeble. Which one's Neeble? Um,... he's... Which one of y'all is Neeble? Yo, mama! Ah, him. Um, it's fine, everything's straight, it's safe. Um, don't fall asleep. (ALL) Twister! Er, Kay, can you run over your plan with me one more time? Cos I'm strugglin' with it. You erased any memory of the Light, but left clues in case you had to come back. Right. A photo pointin' to a key hangin' on a nail that opens a locker at Grand Central. Right. When we open the locker, we'll find another clue? That's the plan. Ah! I like to keep my enemies confused. We all confused, Kay. You not gonna slow me down, are you? Whose brain is working on outdated software? Can you grab us some coffee while I do this? Oh, sure thing! Black, couple of cubes of kiss my ass? I don't know what's in there, you could get hurt, so step back. Hey, Kay, for real, man, open the damn locker. (ALL) Kay! He's back! The light giver! All hail Kay! All hail Kay! # Oh, Kay, can you see by the dawn's early light... # You are the man who will be king of the train locker. Praise Kay! Praise Kay! Oh, good and gentle town folk of Locker C-18, did I leave anything here? Yes, the timekeeper. You left it to illuminate our streets and our hearts. I've looked everywhere for that. Oh, merciful one, the clock tower! No, I got ya, I got ya, it's cool, it's cool. Here, check this out. Titanium case, waterproof to over 300 meters. That's bangin', right? Who are you, stranger? Jay. (ALL) Hm! All hail Jay! All hail Jay! # Oh, Jay, can you see... # Oh, merciful Jay, the keeper of... Aw, man! Wait! The commandments! The tablet! (ALL) The tablet! The tablet! The tablet! The tablet! We have lived by its word and peace has reigned! Pass it on to others so that they, too, may be enlightened! (ALL) Be kind, rewind! Go back and reconcile your past to move tranquilly into your future! (ALL) Two for one every Wednesday! Give twice as much as ye receive on this sacred day, every Wednesday! (ALL) Large adult entertainment section in the back! (EXCITED CHATTER) That's just nasty. What's with the video card? I don't know. Why'd you leave the watch? To remind me. Of what? Can't remember. Guess. I guess we have 59 minutes and 37 seconds to figure it out. Alright, look, so here's an idea. How 'bout we stop chasin' these butt-backwards clues, get two fission carbonizers and get our headquarters back? It's all about to make sense, kid. Er, is this card valid? This card hasn't been used in years, before I was born. I've been away. Billions of frequent-flier miles. Use 'em. I wanted to go to Cambodia. A lobster dinner there is a dollar. And the airlines black-out holidays, you have to stay over a weekend. It's a conspiracy, I'm sure. I mean - Can you tell us anything about the account? Only that you never checked out a tape. You reserved one, but never picked it up. Hey, Newton? There's a huge rat in the toilet. It's all stopped up, so you're gonna have to pee in the s... Still think I'm paranoid? Yeah. Gentlemen, my name is Newton, I run the place. Seen any aliens lately? You need professional help, son. He's getting it, it's not working. OK, so, new case, huh? Episode 27, Light of Zartha. Got it. Jarra, it's a sin to keep a genius like you locked away. Their Eagle Scout Agent Jay caught me siphoning Earth's ozone to sell. They're touchy about global warming. Look, I need a spacecraft that can travel 300 times the speed of light. Do it, I'll give you what you want. Give me Jay, we'll call it even. Groovy. You've got till midnight. Gatbot, I got a little somethin' special for ya. (BLEEPING) Although no-one has ever been . Newton? Newton, is that you? Yes, Mom, I'm up here with friends. I wanna have your baby. Would you like some mini pizza? You guys want some mini pizzas? They're good. They're like mini bagels with pizza stuff on 'em. She'll put a little fontina cheese on, you know. She has palsy, so she ends up puttin' a lotta cheese on. No, thanks, we're cool! Over here. This is it. Mm. Finally, some hard evidence. Yes. Gentlemen, before I play the tape, one question. What's up with anal probing? I mean, aliens travel billions of light years just to check out - Boy, move. OK. Just... a question. "Here is one of their stories that never happened from one of their files that doesn't exist." "1978." "Devastating war of Zartha had raged for 50 years." Looks like Spielberg's work. "But the Zarthans had a great treasure, the Light of Zartha." "A source of power so awesome..." ..it alone could mean victory for the Zarthans... "..or annihilation, if it fell into the hands of the Kylothians." "A group of Zarthans made the journey, led by the keeper of the Light,... Lauranna. ..Princess Lauranna." "Lauranna beseeched the Men In Black to hide the Light on Earth, but they could not intervene." No. It was night. And it was raining. You've been very wise. Kay, please, if Serleena takes the Light, it's the end of our world. Madame Ambassador, if we protect the Light, we put the Earth in jeopardy. We must remain neutral. Where is it? Where is it? We're neutral, remember? If you want it, go get it. (ECHOES) No! "And so, never knowing it happened, the people of Earth were saved by a secret society of protectors." (I shouldn't have.) You never sent it off the planet. You hid it here. The worm guys. You one of Newton's friends from group therapy? Yes, ma'am. Look here, please. Would you like some mini pizza...? I know the Light... OK. First, get some contact lenses cos joints look like they can pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner, pay more than a dollar. Third, once you get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass out of your mom's house. Let's go! Boy, you like 40 years old. Agent Jay? Yo, alright, alright. Oh, and, er, there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men In Black. You wanna go to Cambodia? Yeah. Hey, Mom? Communicator, Jay. Laura, it's me. Jay, we're playing Twister. What's up, Jay? (ALL) Jay! Hey, quit touchin' my butt! Sorry, I thought it was your face. (LAUGHTER) They're really good at this, they don't have any spines. Oh, they told me about Oprah from Chicago. (ALL) Maybe landed in Chicago! (LAUGHTER) Are you wearin' a bracelet? Yeah. Is it glowing? It's never done that before. We're on our way. Communicator, Frank. Frank, get down to subcontrol level C, deactivate the lockdown. We're going to the worm guys, we got the Light. (IMITATES FRANK) Got it, Jay. Scrad? (Bitch!) Why didn't you say I love you? He's a dog, I don't even like him. No, the girl. You're sweet on her. Hey, Kay - That's why you didn't neuralyse her. You got emotionally involved. Like you did with Lauranna? I put Earth in danger because I got emotionally involved. I don't wanna see you makin' my mistakes. Whatever, man. Laura? (GROANING) Oi! Oh,... damn! (GROANS) (SPEAKS SPANISH) Never stood half a chance. Oh, boy. (GRUNTS) That's gonna leave a scar. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Where's Laura? MIB headquarters. Some dumb two-headed guy. They got the bracelet, we got 39 minutes. You guys, er,... pull yourselves together. Damn! Oh, that's, that's feeling better. Hey, guys, wait up! Hold on, lemme grab my drink! If Serleena has the bracelet, why take Laura? She also wants me. What's the book say? We're off book, let's split some wigs. We need wig-splittin' weapons. Got 'em. "Oh, Paw-Paw's coming to visit me. Hello, Paw-Paw." "Paw-Paw and Zu-Zu love..." (DOOR OPENS) Don't worry, I used to live here, came by to pick up a few things. Nice place. Oo-ah! Oo-ee! Hyah! See ya. You did not see any weapons or alien night crawlers. Love each other for the rest of your lives. Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so start lovin'. Oh, and she can stay up late and have cookies and candy and junk. Four minutes to launch. Four minutes to launch. Your ship is ready. Good. Send it to Kyloth now. Ready, guys? Lock and load, baby. Ready, kid? While you were lickin' stamps, I stopped a Kreelon invasion. The Backstreet Boys of the universe. They throw snowballs at you? You know what you're doin'? Attackin' one of the most feared aliens in the universe with four worms and a mailman. Let's make it hot. No, no, wait! (ALL SHRIEK) Code 101 lockdown! I know, I know! The building gets pressurised, I knew that! Yeah, you knew that! Front and centre, worms! You got it! It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin' all kinds of hell. (PING!) Oh, yummy, someone I need to eat. Go. The bracelet shows the departure point. Do not come back for me. That's an order. What d'you mean? Do not come back for me. Worm guys, give me some cover fire. (MUMBLING) Too scared, can't move. (SOBBING) Go! Limber. Go to the subcontrol panel 7-R Delta. Shut off power to the launch pad so they can't take off. Can't, too scared. Oh, that way. Away from the bullets. No problem. Whoo-hah! Alley-oop! Nice to see you again, Kay. Three minutes to launch. Jay! Three minutes to launch. Hello, Jay, long time. Jarra! Whassup, man? Wow, you look great! What's it been, five years? And 42 days. You count every one when you're locked away. Well, you shouldn't have been tryin' to steal our ozone. Be there in one minute, sweetie. Over our dead titanium bodies! Two minutes. (RESONATES) (RESONATES) (LAUGHTER) Er, let's play this one by ear. . I should have vaporised you when I had the chance. You really did love Lauranna, didn't you, Kay? You silly little man. (LAUGHTER) Yargh! Yaarrgghh! Ow! Argh! Two minutes to launch. Just go, I'll be fine! What you talkin' about, girl? I'm winnin'! Jarra, you are under arrest for bein' that ugly and for makin' that many copies. Now, surrender! I want him in pieces! (RESONATES) Ah! Whoo! Jarra Junior is going, going... ..g-o-o-o-o-one! Argh! Rectum. Damn near killed him! (LAUGHTER) Never get tired of that. I'll say. Where do we shut off the power? I don't know. Whatever. (BOTH YELL) Laura, I'm fine, I'll be there in just a minute. No, he won't! A-huh, down to one now, Jarra. Aaaarrrggghhh! Thirty seconds to launch. (GRUNTS) Fifteen seconds to launch. Ten seconds to launch. Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two. Launch terminated. Hey, I never run out on a fight. He took your gun, clocked you on the head. And? Slammed you across the room. Half the time, you were on your back. That's how I fight. You've lost, you insignificant speck. You've wasted 25 years of my time and for what? The complete and total annihilation of Zartha. All because you went mushy. I'll give you a chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate. What you gonna do to stop me? Not me, him. (GUN IS COCKED) Your flight's been cancelled. Yaaarrrggghhh! Whoa! OK, shut down power, shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing, er, yeah. Worms! Sorry. Give me the bracelet! I'm coming. Bracelet! Everybody in the car! I don't think she - Everybody. I can't believe everybody's after this bracelet. It's often somethin' small like that. That's not the Light. It tells the departure point. What? If we don't get there in 11 minutes and 15 seconds, that bracelet's gonna destroy all life on Earth. What?! Hello. Oh! Wait, Kay, no! I know what I'm doin'. Kay, no! Damn! Modify to hyperspeed! Seat belts. What's that? At hyperspeed, you use the navigational stalk. OK. Whoa! (ALL YELL) Use the toggle switches for the ailerons and the joysticks for the stabiliser and rudder. OK. (BOTH YELL) I just want you to know... Argh! Hold on to that for a second. OK. Argh! Ah! Computer, worms. So I said, "Bitch, if you don't want me to kick your skinny diet ass, turn around and exit the planet". 'Frank, where are you?' Main hall, egg display. We're takin' fire. Kay pushed the red button. Computer at MIB can target and destroy bogey. I'll walk you through it. Argh! Ah! (BEWILDERED CHATTER) Jay? Frank. You were the best dog partner a Remoolian could ever have. Godspeed. (DIALLING TONE) Frank? Frank? Frank! OK, here we go, automatic pilot. It is not automatic pilot. He doesn't work at hyperspeed! I need a steering wheel! Well, we don't have one! This is what we got. Didn't you ever have a Game Boy? What is a Game Boy?! You know what? Move. Move! OK. Ooo! Hey, that is not the navigational stalk! Ah! Ain't there. Argh! OK, straight down. Idiots! Subway isn't the place to lose her. Ssh! Where is he? He? Jeff. Hang on! Oops. Teeth. (BELCHES) We're runnin' outta time, Kay, where is the Light? Right here. What? What, I'm the Light? No, no way. You have a planet to save, Laura. You want someone else, I work in a pizzeria. I was running a post office in Truro, Mass. You are who you are. Laura, you are the Light. The leader of your people. Their spirit and hope. You have the power to save the planet. I protected you until it was your time. Your time is now. (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) You are going to save the world. No! You know things before they happen. I'm Libra! You're Zarthan. When you get sad, it always rains. Many people get sad when it rains. It rains because you're sad, baby. It's not fair. It never is. We are who we are, even if we sometimes forget. Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you! Get back in the subway right now! That's not good. Wait! No! Aaaarrrggghhh! Jay! Aaarrgghh! I cannot emphasise how much we need you on that transport. Laura, you have to go! Argh! Oh, Jeez! Go. He's fine, he does this all the time. Argh! Nope! (STRAINS) I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy ass! Laura, it's your destiny! I was talkin', Kay! Argh! Hey, no biting! If you don't go, we all die. Aaarrgghh! Argh! You're just as beautiful as your mother. A little help! (ROAR!) Kay! Might I suggest a bigger gun?! Aaaarrrggghhh! (ROAR!) Kid? Yeah? Thanks for bringing me back. No problem. Why didn't you tell me? Would you have let her go? So, what's it like on the outside? You know, not doin' this every day? It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends, watch the Weather Channel. (SIGHS) I did miss this city. So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter. Did y'all...? MIB's a mess, let's go, kid. Let's go? Thousands of people in New York just saw our little event. Plan needs to be thought out, plan needs to be cool. Kid, I'll get you trained yet. I want one of those. Damn! Hey! Hey. How you doin'? I'm good, man. Good. Cos we've all been there, kid. The girl's gone and it hurts. You wanna talk? No. I can help. No. Ah, still sulking? No. Yeah. Hell, you miss her, it happens to all of us. I knew this hot young thing once. When our bodies were entwined in the positions of the Kama Sutra - Zed! (CHUCKLES) Come on, man! Damn! Hey, Jay, lemme tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched, but what they really want is... Hey, Frank! What, still sittin' shivah? Want my advice? No. No advice, no talkin'... Hell, no. Fellas, I swear, I'm fine. All hail Jay! All hail Jay! I brought 'em over from Grand Central. Why'd you put them rats in my locker? To put things in perspective. No, Kay, it's kinda sad, man. We should let them out. They need to know the world is bigger than that. (SIGHS) Still a rookie. Whoa! (RASPING)