www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 Well, well, Boris the Animal has a visitor. I guess one every 40 years is OK. It's a cake. I decide what it is. Looks like some kind of cake. She's clean. Well, not clean, but you know... Oh, God. Boris the Animal... ...you've got a visitor. It's just Boris. Your letters have been a soul-nourishing tonic. (METAL CHAINS CLANG) And you are much more... ...unconventionally handsome than your photos. This ain't a conjugal visit. So, quit your conjugating. When's the last time you conjugated anything? I see you've brought me a treat, darling. Would you mind cutting this up for us? It's a special day. I'm a romantic like that. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Why's that? It'll ruin your figure. (SCREAMS) (CALLS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) You complete me. (PRISON SECURITY ALARM RINGS) The big one. - Boris! You promised to take me with you! We had a deal! Obadiah Price. Yes. I did make you a promise. Wait. I smell something. You can't win, Boris. Let's agree to disagree. There's too many of us. Rather hot in here. Mind if I open a window? (GASPS FOR AIR) Sorry, darling. We did love the cake. (SCREAMS) Let's rewrite history, shall we, K? Good afternoon. Please give your attention to my associate, Agent J. He's going to demonstrate an electro-biomechanical... ...neural-transmitting, zero-synapse repositioner. We call it the neuralyser. Keep it simple, slick. Thanks a lot. Thank you, Agent K. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will look right here. You know how you're on a plane and you're asked to turn your phone off? You're like, "I ain't turning it off. Has nothing to do with a plane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellites and... Just turn your damn phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight because your GPS don't work. Check the composition of the fuel units and run a scan on the surface deposits. I wanna know who was driving. Yes, sir. What are you gonna say tonight? Don't worry. No, I'm very worried. This is important. I'm hungry. You hungry? K! Seriously, I'm not even sure that's meat. I think I just saw a tooth in that thing. Or a claw. Or a hoof. Thanks, Manny. That does not belong in a pitta; it belongs in a casket. What would go good with this would be silence. See, here's the problem. You can't smell it... ...because your nose already smells like that, but my nose doesn't. Silence goes good with a lot of things. Ever try or is talking how you breathe? Just say you hate me. Don't take it out on the car. Let me enjoy this. Whoa, enjoyment? So that's what enjoyment looks like on that face. I like that emotion. I keep emotion out of it. Out of what, K? Life? You don't wanna run it by me? Let me know what you'll say? Don't worry. Oh, no, I'm worried. Very worried. It's the man's eulogy. You have to show some feeling. That thing people do when they change their facial expression? I worked with Zed for 40 years. A hell of an agent. And I have written a hell of a speech for him. People will be moved. Mm-hm. # Amazing Grace (SINGS LINE IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) # Was blind, but now I see.# And now a few words from Agent K. I worked with Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time... ...he never invited me to dinner. He never asked me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. No, he wouldn't. Thank you. And now we will hear from our new chief, Agent O. Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving. That was your eulogy? He was a good man. Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms. When I told the Finucian Zyglot about Zed's passing... ...she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. (SCREECHES IN HIGH PITCH) (SCREECHES IN HIGH PITCH) (SCREECHES) (SCREECHES) (GRUNTS IN LOW PITCH) (GASPS FOR AIR) That's just so Zed. Thank you. You lose something over here, Hondo? Can you promise, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? You know, something like... "J was a friend. "Now there's a big part of me that's gone. "Oh, J, all the things that I should have said... "except I was too old... "and craggy and surly... "and just tight. I was too... "tight. "I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin." I'll wing something. (CAR RADIO) K, it's O. We have reports of several humans suffering from... ...intestinal worms of alien origin. Thank you, O. How did you get to be like you? Something happened, K. What happened? You know how I live such a happy life? How you live such a happy life? I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to. That's deep. (SINGS OWN LYRICS TO ROCK TRACK) (HUMS / GRUNTS) Jeffrey. Do I know you? Your services are legendary. So says your father, Obadiah. You were in Lunar-Max. There is no prison that can hold me. Cool for you. What do you need from me, man? The device. I'm going back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm. (CHINESE ACCENT) K, J! So happy to see you. Mr Wu get you your regular table? You no hungry? Show us the tanks, Wu. Oh, sure, sure. You look. Very fresh. Show us the tanks in the back. So sorry. No speak English. You come back later, OK? Save the chop-socky bullshit for the tourists, Wu. (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, what you guys wanna bust my balls for, huh? You don't have no balls, Wu. Man, you look like you come from the planet... ...Damn. And Bob here is a clear violation of Health Ordinance 32 - Selling unlicensed extraterrestrial... (SQUEALS SOFTLY) ...food stuffs. That is an Earth fish. Very traditional in China. You arrest me... ...that's a hate crime! It would be if you were Chinese. K, come on. I got larvae to feed. Who is the Spiky Bulba for? Nobody. Who's it for? I keep them in case! In case what? I don't know! Anybody! All right, you slug. Wu... ...he and I are having issues right now, but you shouldn't suffer for that. Thank you, J. So if you don't like getting fish-slapped, keep to our agreement. Earth people get Earth fish. Real Earth fish. On behalf of my pathetic self and worthless children, you stay. Allow me most honourable benefit of serving you favourite noodles, K? Don't nobody want your nasty-ass noodles. You're a piece of shit, Wu. Shrimp and bok choy. We're gonna be here for a while. That was just mean. What you did to Wu back there. Snatched his skirt off. That's just disrespectful. I used to play a game with my dad ` What'll You Have For Your Last Meal. You could do worse than this. OK. I played a game with my dad... ...called catch. Except I'd throw the ball and it'd just hit the wall... ...because he wasn't there. Don't bad-mouth your old man. I'm not bad-mouthing him. I just didn't really know him. It's not right. Damn right it's not. A boy needs a father. Table one hasn't ordered a thing. Table three... ...just drank his fourth cup... ...of duck sauce. (PHONE RINGS) K, the crashed ship... ...from this morning was stolen from... Lunar-Max prison. Boris the Animal. How did you know? He always had a taste for Spiky Bulba. Give us a minute, chief. We're in a situation. Oh, yeah. I take the Chloropod. You take the Tarantabee. And the Hydronian over there. I'll take whoever's in the kitchen. and meet you on the street. This is a very confusing time in my life. Hey. (WOMAN SCREAMS) Keep your mouth closed. Keep your head down. Hello, K. Boris the Animal. It's just Boris. You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off. Yes, my arm. We've thought about that moment... ...every day for the last 40 years. Well, that's just not living a full life. I can promise you it will be longer than yours. Lonelier too. Since you're the last Boglodite standing. We'll see about that. But first, I want the pleasure of killing you. Yo, K. Where the hell have you been? Fishing. You don't know it, K, but you're already dead. You all right? 1 May I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you. You know how your kid won the goldfish in that little baggie from the fair and you didn't want it in your house, so you told your kid it ran away, when you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. OK? See what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids. Man, I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel. Boris the Animal. I put him away a long time ago. It's the worst mistake I ever made. Why? Was he innocent? Should have killed him. Well, shit, let's go get him. No. No. Leave it alone. It's above your pay grade. We're partners. We have the same pay grade. It has nothing to do with you. Mind your own business. OK, first of all, let's get a little bit of that bass out your voice. Secondly, as long as Spikey Boy is running around, this is my business. You forget about Boris or my report will reflect that your conduct has been unbecoming. Well, maybe my report is gonna reflect some shit too, K. You are suspended for two weeks. Bullshit. Four weeks. How about I quit? There are things out there you don't need to know. That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me. What up, pops? Lose your partner? Yeah. Next shuttle to Afazumba... ...leaving in 22 minutes. (MESSAGE REPEATED IN CHINESE) Search Boris the Animal. (COMPUTER) Boris the Animal, Boglodite assassin. Boglodites were a rogue alien race that consumed all planets in their path. Boris the Animal was the only suspect in a series of alien murders on Earth. Incident report. Boris the Animal was convicted for the following murders that occurred on July 15, 1969. Murder number one ` Coney Island, 10:37 am. Roman the Fabulist. Murder number two ` The Factory. Refine search. Agent K. Junior Agent K apprehended and arrested Boris the Animal on July 16,1969, at Cape Canaveral, Florida. Cape Canaveral... Agent K received highest commendation for heroic action, including implementation of the Arc Net Defence System, which protected the Earth from Boglodite invasion and led to the race's extinction. Details. Access restricted. Excuse me? Clearance level senior agent, class one. J. Access denied. What? So why this sudden interest in your partner's old exploits? What happened between Boris and K? That's easy. K imprisoned Boris. He put up the Arc Net. He protected the Earth from the Boglodites. He did his job. That's not what I'm asking. Cape Canaveral, what happened? Something that changed him. Leave it at that. So you two go way back, huh? That's classified. A word of advice, Agent J. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. That's funny. That is exactly what K said. He's a very wise man. Take the rest of the night off. (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) What? Guess I owe you some answers, hoss. What, you're feeling chatty all of a sudden? I can't talk right now. I've got secret cases of my own I'm working on. I hate to tear you away from your video game. All right, I'm hanging up. You know the most destructive force in the universe? Sugar? Regret. You don't have to wait. Just talk. I promised you the secrets of the universe. Nothing more. So there's secrets out there the universe don't know about? (HANGS UP PHONE) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (CHILD) Mommy. Can I help you? K? 5K. I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk? Can I...? I'm so sorry. I don't know what... Mommy, the person is drinking my milk. I'm sorry. He didn't say please. K get in yet? Who? You new? Very funny, Agent J. J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank God for that 10-hour stakeout. Who are you? Exactly. I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted. I've had anger issues my entire life, but now I see I was mad at myself. And my step mom. Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking. It's like I closed this emotional window. But I threw a brick through that window. Thank you for handing me that brick, J. Whoever you are, give me five feet or I'll pluck you in your throat. I'm gonna go to the little Men's-in-Black room. Then we'll go find those morons from Pox Ethera. Lunch is on me. Who was that? Double A? Your partner. I need you to go get me some chocolate milk, all right? Just a really big glass. Have you seen K? Did he call in sick or anything? Who's K? All right, all right, go ahead, go ahead. K! All right. You got me. I'll give it to you. It's funny, very elaborate. Oh, and all of you, fantastic performances. You waited 14 years to develop a sense of humour, but this is a good one. But, K, I need you to come out here now, because I'm starting to get a little pissed off. Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down and telling me who you're looking for? I'm looking for K. Who is K? You too? You too. I mean, who is he to you? My partner. Older gentleman, 110, maybe 111 years old. Sort of a surly, Elvis thing happening with him. He smiles like this. Seen him around? I'll take you to K. Thank you. What is that supposed to be? That's K. He's been dead for over 40 years. OK, see, the prerequisite for a joke is that it be funny. It's never been funny. Computer, Agent K and Boris the Animal. (COMPUTER) Men in Black incident report, July, 1969. Location, Cape Canaveral. Perpetrator Boris the Animal escaped and fled Earth. Assumed to have returned to planet Boglodotia 20 light-years away. Agent K pronounced dead at scene. Awarded posthumous commendation for action which prevented greater loss of human life. That's not what happened. I looked at this report. K put Boris away. Agent K is dead. Well, I just talked to him last night. You are imagining. I'm not. I need a psych team up here. Yes, ma'am. Aqua Velva aftershave. I didn't imagine that. Every stakeout, endless hours of cowboy music. Every morning with his coffee, he'd say, "I tell you something, slick. This coffee tastes like dirt." And I was supposed to say, "What do you expect? "It was ground this morning." "This morning." How do you know that? Chocolate milk, sir? Where you been, man? It was like an hour ago. Wait. How long have you been craving chocolatised dairy products? Just today. Are you experiencing headaches? Dizziness? Loss of balance? Agitation? Depression? Hell, yeah. Two possibilities. One is you've been bitten by a Hovartian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment. AH! Damn it. It's not the tick. "Damn it, it's not the tick"? It's something worse than the tick? Your obsession with chocolate milk indicates that you might be involved in a temporal fracture. I don't know what you're talking about. Chocolate milk relieves temporal-fracture headaches. What's a temporal fracture? A break in the time line. Don't know what you mean. Time travel! Time travel. There's no such thing as time travel. Well, there is. No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been aware of it, wouldn't he have? Were it not classified and way above his pay grade. You know, I need a raise. There was one man, scumbag, Obadiah Price. He figured it out. We busted him. We made time travel illegal throughout the universe, and he is serving life on Lunar-Max. No... That's where Boris was locked up. If Boris worked out how to time jump, he could seriously change the course of history. Attention ` early warning system engaged. Inbound hostile warships entering solar system. Boglodite markings and language detected. Boglodite. Boris is a Boglodite, but they're extinct. Apparently not. Catastrophic Earth attack imminent. Put up the Arc Net. The what? The Arc Net. The defence system. K got it for the Boglodites. There is no K. He's been dead for over 40 years. No K. No defence system. Boris jumped back and killed him. If you wanna save the world, stop that from happening. You have to find Jeffrey Price. He's Obadiah's son. Let's hope the little squirt hasn't skipped town. - Good luck, J! - This planet's toast. 1 How can I help you? We're having an amazing sale on batteries. OK, we got other stuff, like headphones, adapters or... You helped Boris the Animal time jump. OK, I had to. That dude's a freak. He killed my partner. I want to know when and where you sent him. What, you think I keep, like, a logbook? Target vector, July 16... ...1969. All right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure he was a great guy. But in terms of the space-time continuum, your friend was a little blip on the historical radar! Oh, that's a big blip. OK. What's the plan? You're gonna send me back to July 15th, 1969. No, that's a stupid plan, because I sent Boris to July 16th. I'm not worried about that one. I'll kill the younger Boris before the older one shows. That way, neither of them will even exist. That's why you get to wear the black suit. No? You're gonna leave me hanging? OK. Oh, I just thought of something. Even back then, New York was like a big-ish city. So how are you gonna really find him? On July 15th, Boris killed an alien, Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island. You're gonna get there first and be waiting? Dude, they should give you two black suits. My man, for real? Oh, right. Sorry. This... ...is the real deal. Time-jump gear. Very rare, very old. But first, we gotta get high. Hey. No. No. No, I mean, really high. Hey, man? A little help here? Thank you. OK. You know the rules of time jumps? Give me the short version. OK. You wanna save your partner, word of advice ` stay away from him. Yeah, got it. Stay away from K. Just kill Boris. Now, take these. It gets pretty windy on the way down. The way down? With eyes tearing up, it's hard to read the dial. Plus, it helps you look like a real time traveller, which is cool. I am not jumping off of this building! Time jump. OK, now... ...I gotta set this thing to the 15th. That seems right-ish. Now... ...all you gotta do is jump. Hey, hey, Stop. Stop it. When you're moving fast enough, that circle is gonna fill up with some sort of green time-travel liquid, and it's gonna glow really bright. As soon as that happens, break that blue laser line with your thumb to complete the circuit. At this height, that should be... Let's see, mass of Earth and 30-something feet per minute... It's 32 feet per second/per second. That sounds right-ish. So that would be, I guess, about two feet off the ground. I break the laser line? No, don't break it! No, when I'm fast enough! Sounds good! Do I break the laser line or do I not break the laser line? Do not lose that time device... ...or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn't the best time for your people. I'm just saying. It's, like, a lot cooler now. How will I know if it works? You'll either know... ...or you won't. You must really love this guy to do this. Oh, wait. How come I remember K, but nobody else does? Whoa. Whoa. That means you were there! I was where? If you survive, you gotta come back and tell me everything. Where was I? You gotta go! Just go, go, go! Oh, no! Come on! My man, what's today? Tuesday. The date? The 15th. Of? July Dog, the year. 1969. Thank you. Look at me like I'm crazy. Far out. Jerry rocked Haight-Ashbury like you wouldn't believe. OK, we're here. Happy? You're such a pill, Fred. Get us checked in. Yeah, yeah. Hey. Hey, do me a favour, all right? Be careful with the luggage. Absolutely, sir. I paid a lot of money for that luggage. We'll take good care... Last time, it got scuffed up. Here you go, sir. Just call down when you need it. There's more in the trunk. Yeah, it'll be in your room, sir. Just go in. Excuse me. Excuse me, who is that? Who are you? Let's go! Far out, man! If you want to keep that, I wouldn't. Make love, not war. I prefer to do both. (MIMICS LAUGH) 1 How are you, officers? What can I do you for? Well, look at this. Power windows, power seats. I'll bet you it cost 6 grand. Yeah. Yes, and it has a roof, but it's hidden. Hey, what kind of work do you do? An individual of your particular ethnic persuasion? Maybe he's a noted athlete. Yes. Starting forward for the Detroit Darkies. Where'd you get the car? And the suit? I stole them both. Car from your wife, suit from your grandmother. Hey. What do we have here? Concealed weapon? Hey, it's his grandmother's suit. Hey, what's this? Probably drugs. I have rights and I demand to see my lawyer before you press that small button on the side firmly. Press it. That, gentlemen, is a standard-issue neuralyser. You're not gonna remember that. And just because you see a black man driving a nice car does not mean it's stolen. I stole that one. But not because I'm black. I'll be done with the car in a minute! Just find it and take it back to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel. Where is the Archanan? You are too late. He is going to give the humans... ...the Arc Net. Let's agree to disagree. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (RUNNING ON METAL ROOF) We'll take it from here. K? K! K! Dad, I'm on Earth. I need bail. Will the owner of a blue warp-speed cruiser please report to the front desk. You need to turn the electricity down on that damn thing. Can't taste my fricking tongue, K. How do you know my name? What? Because I called you "K"? No, I call everybody K. It's kind of my thing. What up, K? All right, I sort of... K. Yeah, that's kind of my thing. I just... Some people like it. Most people. Now that I know what you look like when you're lying, why don't you show me what you look like when you're telling the truth? I won those at Coney Island on the ring toss. I won a stuffed bear once, but never one of these. Must be good, slick. All right, sir, I was minding my own business. I was waiting for my girl, who, by the way, is probably worried sick looking for me right now. So I just need my things, and I need to get back to her. What's her name? Your gal, what's her name? Schtaron. Schtaron? I bet Schtaron likes that suit of yours, hmm? What, it's a crime to wear a black suit? All right, listen. I haven't done anything wrong. And I need to get out of here. I cannot be with you. Terribly sorry. X is frightfully upset about the whole Coney Island incident. Thanks for the heads up. Oh, man, this coffee tastes like dirt. What do you expect? It was... Just ground this morning. O? No, I call ladies O. To me, O is feminine; K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K." What a mess. Any casualties? Yes, Roman the Fabulist. Any human casualties? No, sir. Who the hell is this? Look, I was... Stray human caught in the net. Code 43 him and throw him back. You're late for a meeting with the Viagrans. They have a revolutionary new pill. It's really... OK, slick. I was waiting for my girl. Schtaron. Yes, she's Greek. OK. Just one last thing. An eye exam. That's not an eye exam, K. That's a big-ass neuralyser! You have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything. I see what you're saying. You know, K, we need to hold up a second. K! Let's get this bite guard in here. Hey, back up, back up. K, listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot, all right? So let's just stop for a second and talk. Don't put me in here, K! Too late, hoss. K, no, listen to me. I can help you with this case! K! I'm doing the truth face! You're missing it! I'll just use my imagination. K, the killer you're looking for, I'm after the same guy. A Boglodite. His name is Boris. Ship has sailed, amigo. If we don't get him, there'll be two. You had my undivided attention. One will have one arm, and one's gonna have two. K! Listen to me! If you erase me, you erase the world! 15 seconds to neuralysation. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. Nine. When you see Boris tomorrow, K, kill him. Do not arrest him; kill him! Four. Three. Two... Is this thing off? Hey, I don't think it's all the way off, K! It's whirring and buzzing. I don't know if I don't know nothing. I knew Roman. His wife cooked me dinner once. While it was not pleasant, he was my friend. Last chance, who are you and what do you know? I'm an agent of Men in Black from the future. We're partners. In 25 years, you'll recruit me, and 14 years after that, the guy you didn't let me kill today escapes from prison, jumps to the past and unleashes an invasion of Earth. We got about 19 hours to kill him, so, really, we need to go right now. All right. So that's the story you believe. That one was the truth. Wasn't the whole truth, but it'll do for now. What are you talking about? Of course it's the whole truth. The problem with a lie is once you start lying you put yourself... Agent K. What's he still doing here? I might have cooked him too long. Thought I'd walk him out. I put my pants on. OK, future man, where to? I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know. Go wherever you went last time. I haven't been here. I didn't tell you where I went? No. I mean, we don't really talk. What kind of partners sit in a car every day for 14 years and don't talk? Exactly. And this is the type of problem it causes. It's dysfunctional. All right, sport, you better get useful real quick or you go back in room 43. Man... There was something in the file about a factory. Something happened at a factory. Hey, look, man, you can put your Jedi Knight on me all you want. That's all I got. That spark something? Roman had this on his person when he was murdered. It's a matchbook. No, it's a clue. He didn't smoke. 1 You lose something over here, Hondo? No. Hey, man, how old are you? 29. You got some city miles on you. I'm starting to understand why we don't talk. How well do you know this place? I know its reputation. I don't like it. I hate going in blind. I'm gonna need my gun. Sure thing, slick. K! Wait, no, I gotta go in with you! You sit tight. I'll be fine. Wait, no! No! K! K, don't go in by yourself! Hi, fellas. Need to see the boss. He's busy. Well, I'm gonna just take a look around. Looks like we have ourselves a standoff. Looks that way. Still keep the key under the ashtray. Lucky guess. Now, where were we? I was about to tell you to screw off. Hey, slick, you bowl in the future? MiB league champ, three years running. Well, let's see it. You did not walk into my establishment and rip my head off! My man, we don't have a lot of time. You really need to tell him something. I'll tell him this! All right, your head. Wait. Hey, if you do this, I am gonna hunt you down and make sure you walk funny for the rest... ...of your miserable last days on Earth! Tough spare, slick. You messed with the wrong head! His head's a little... You gonna tell us... ...where Dom is? I'll kill you both. I'll kill both of yous! Your hook's a little off. Want me to clean her? Sure thing. No, no, no. Come on, I just cleaned the bathroom with this thing! No cleaning! No cleaning! OK! OK, all right! All right, he's in the back. But he's not gonna talk to Men in Black scum like you. Now give me back my head. K, I call this one "Low Hanging Fruit." That ain't a finger hole, you sick bastard! I'll pop your head off... ...and see how you like it. I'm gonna kill both of you! I'm gonna kill the both of yous! I'll kill you both! Well, we're on the right track. Just the wrong train. If he had any secrets,... ...I'm guessing he spilled them. A smart man figures out what victims have in common. A smart man would. That's a big-ass phone. Don't put that up to your head. Agent O. How's your day been, Agent K? Fair to middling. How are things going? Very good, thank you. Hey, you saw her like an hour ago. I need clean-up and containment at Cosmic Lanes. Listen, I got a dead Parlaxian. Now Roman was a Byvoid, correct me if I'm wrong, from the same planetary grouping? A system in the Triangulum Galaxy... ...wiped out by Boglodites. Wasn't the third planet...? Glamouria? Glamouria. Thank you, Miss O. I know where Boris is headed to next. You were close, slick. It's not a factory; it's the Factory. Look, if Boris turns out to be here, I'm gonna kill him. I need my gun. No deal. I've been an agent for 14 years, which means I'm the senior agent on this case. Now, I hate to pull rank, but I am instructing my junior agent ` that's you ` to give me my gun right now. That's an order. No, no, no, space gun. You're welcome. I didn't say thank you. For such an ungainly species, they've thrived on Earth. I was an agent for three years before I realised all models were aliens. Found out the hard way. Password? Hey, look, funky '60s dude, we don't have a lot of time. Janis Joplin. Is there anybody here who's not an alien? Very nice. Blink. That's good. Look in the camera. Is that Andy Warhol? Yep. Excuse me, Mr Warhol, could we have a minute? Now is not a good time. This is a be-in. Just a few questions. No questions. No answers. Just being. We have an urgent matter to discuss with you regarding one of your party guests. Why don't you come back next week, after the happening has happened. Sorry, Mr Warhol. You like talking slow. We got stuff to do. I've got a planet to save. You're distressing. Everything about you upsets me. Damn it, K! Are you trying to blow my cover? Agent W, your cover is safe. Whoa, Andy Warhol is one of us? Safe? You out of your mind? I'm so out of ideas; I'm painting cans and bananas for Christ's sake. Actually, Mr Warhol, I gotta tell you, I love your work. Oh, thank you. Who's the dumb-ass? How about a little professional courtesy here? Dumb-ass. Say it again. Want me to? I dare you. Dumb-ass. Agents. I have no problem pimp-slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol. What? Why are you looking at me? Oh, all right. You know what? Agent K, you see what information you can get from Agent W, and I'll go case the perimeter. That work for everybody? Go do that. How about that? Oh, cute. OK. Very nice. Someone forget his nap? Huh? Hey, how you doing? Chilling. Who's that guy? Don't tell me he's your new partner. Actually, he's my old partner. He travelled back from the future... Stop, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Andy, Yoko's here. Yoko's here. Tell her that I'm filming this man eating a hamburger. It's transcendent. All right, now the pickle. What are you doing on my turf? Tracking a killer. Boglodite. We believe he's gonna hit here next, a Glamourian. Glamourian? Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Archanan. Archanans are extinct. Apparently not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn. Last of its species. His name's Griffin. Griffin the Archanan. How's it going? Going? How's it going? That depends. For me, personally, things are good. Unless we're in the future where the muscle boy argues with his girlfriend. She storms off and bumps the guy with the stuffed mushrooms who dumps the tray on the sailors on leave. A shoving match breaks out. They crash into the table. In which case, I gotta move my plate. Or it's the future where the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. Thankfully, your friend offers the antacids he carries in his right pocket, so good. I'll be good. Except in the future where I have to leave in two minutes before he has a chance to offer me the antacids, so on the whole, I'd have to say not good. I am not good. But that depends. K! How will we find this guy? What am I, a schmuck? He's here? "Here" is a relative term. He's a fifth dimensional being. They can live in and visualise an infinite set of time-space probabilities simultaneously. Sounds like fun. Good work. Whoa, whoa, K, K, K. You gotta fake my death, OK? I can't listen to sitar music anymore. All right, I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to X. K, I can't tell the women from the men. May I see your watch? Oh, it is 7.18. No, no, your other watch, the one your father gave you. How do you know about my father's watch? Oh, dear. This is the one where Roman is dead and the gentleman at the bowling alley. So much death. Such an infinitesimally small chance for success. K! Griffin, right? We're here... Because of Boris. We think he's coming... ...to kill me. He'll be here in two minutes unless we're in the future where he made the lights and is about to shoot from the door, in which case, we're all dead in two seconds. Good, that was a close one. K, I need a space gun. The Boglodites consume any planet in their path. Mine, Roman's, the Parlaxians'. I tried to stop them, but if we stop them here, if we deny them Earth, we can stop them. They'll starve before they reach the next planet. 63 seconds. How do we do that? Stop them? What? Sorry. I have something for you. A gift. It can protect you. I had to hide it from Boris, but if you find me again, I'll give it to you. Thank you. What a game! Amazing! It's a real miracle! What do you mean? What miracle? 30 seconds. I have to go. No, we got you. Negative possibilities are multiplying as we speak. OK. 20 seconds. All right. We got it. Relax. If your watch is broken and I have gastric... Fly! Find your place in the world! Oh, dear. Boris is coming through that door in 12, 11, 10... Wait! Did you have chocolate milk? Yes. Cindy. K! Griffin! Got him. Damn it! I'm good. I'm good. What you got? Nothing. Damn it! We had him! Relax, Cochise. We'll find him. First of all, my name is J, OK? It's not "son", it's not "slick" and it damn sure ain't no "Cochise." I'm not gonna relax because we're running out of time, and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognising my voicial intensity. But there was one guy who could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we do, that's no bueno. We need pie. What? My granddaddy always said "If you got a problem you can't solve... "it helps to get out of your head." Pie. Pie? Yeah. Your granddaddy, heavyset man? A little bit. Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. Now I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get dumb-ass pie. Sounds good. 1 Have any specials? He'll have what he always has after he reads the menu for 10 minutes and asks about specials ` a slice of apple pie with a nasty piece of cheddar. I'll have the strawberry-rhubarb. Since it's my last meal, I'm gonna splurge. World-class serial killer out there and we're having pie. What do you do in your spare time, stretch? See, I sense you're not embracing the concept here. Pie don't work unless you let it. I'm gonna let it. And you say we don't talk? You go ahead. Ask me any question. Anything you want. As long as it doesn't have to do with the case. Just let her rip. What's up with you and O? Me and O? Yeah, you and O. All right, all right. All right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician. Mick Jagger? He's in this British band, the Rolling Stones. Rings a bell. We believed he was on the planet to breed with Earth women. So I was in London, and that's when I met O. Just smart. Funny. A great smile. And we find ourselves in this pub, which is a bar, all right? Warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up. Neither of us wanted to leave. What the hell happened to you, man? I don't know. It hasn't happened yet. Come on, what about you, slick? In the future, you got yourself a girl? I got you... I cannot believe this, freaking New York Mets. Total losers! It's a rough time to be a Mets fan. Tell me about it. Never gonna catch the Cubs. That's funny. The Mets actually win it all this year. Oh, yeah. No, I'm serious. I'm sure. Look, three months from now, your buddies down there are gonna be calling them the Amazing Mets and the Miracle Mets... What? What you got there, hoss? The Archanan said, "It's amazing! It's a miracle! I'll see you at the game." I know where he is. Told you to trust the pie. If Griffin's here for a game, he's either too early or too late. He's here. We just gotta find him before Boris does. It's time to give you your things back, partner. You get some pie in you, you get all mushy. I'm just tired of carrying your stuff. Come on now! All right! Let's go... ...Mets! Let's go, Mets! Let's go... ...Mets! Let's go, Met... Griffin? You're just in time! Unless this is the one where Robinson bad-hops it past third, it's almost over. Are we missing something? The game. So this is how you see things? This is amazing. It's a gigantic pain in the ass. But it has its moments. This game doesn't happen till October. It's always October and November and March. So many futures, and all real. Don't know which will coalesce. Until then, they're all happening. Like this one, it's my favourite moment in human history. All the things that had to converge for the Mets to win the World Series. They were in last place every single season until they won it all. You said you had a gift. That baseball, thrown for the last out of game five, manufactured in '62 by Spalding of Chicopee, Massachusetts, was aerodynamically flawed due to the horsehide being improperly tanned because the tanner's wife left him for a Puerto Rican golf pro... The gift? Oh, yes, of course. In the box. It's the surprise. To protect the Earth. It's a shield. Shield. Archanan. Arc Net. You put up the Arc Net. How? When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson, who became a player because his dad couldn't find a football to give him for his birthday, it hits his bat two micrometres too high, popping out to Cleon Jones, who would've been born Clara, a statistical typist, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed. A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway. I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favourite moment in human history. Oh, dear. I forgot to see this one coming. Damn it! Have these in the future? No. Get on. Keep gyro settings at zero gain. Balance pitch and yaw with bursts on the centre stalk between 80 and 100 psi. I didn't understand any of that! Gyro at zero gain. It is. Pitch and yaw with short bursts on the centre stalk. I did! Between 80 and 100 psi! Got it. The Arc Net! Give it to me! This isn't the one where you get it! All right there, chief? Hell, yeah. It'd be better with four wheels! Two is, like, my minimum. What happens if Boris gets the Arc Net? Boglodite invasion, total destruction of Earth! The box! Good boy. We gotta stop this guy! I've been trying! You haven't been trying? Hey, slick. In the future, we ever do the Texas two-step? Yes, sir! Did you get him? Give me a sec. Is he dead? Negative. He got away. I got Griffin. Let's get out of here. 1 I feel younger already. You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh. I'd kill you right now if I didn't value my own life. Who are you? Look at you. Every mistake I've ever made just waiting to happen. What happened to my arm? You lose it, shot off by a human. No human could defeat me. You spend the next 40 years in prison, chained up like an animal. No prison can hold me! They built one especially for us on the moon. No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already. Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that if you just listen to me! You were defeated! You let it get shot off! That wasn't me. That was you! What's your plan? Prevent the Arc Net from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries. Good plan. Didn't work. With my help, we'll get the Arc Net, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we'll get to keep both of our ar...! Stop... ...staring at it! Listen. You all right? Yeah. Thank you for saving my life. It's what we do. You still have the Arc Net? When you're being hunted by Boris the Animal, you get good at hiding things. This will save your world. Once it's outside the atmosphere, it gets a whole lot bigger. All you have to do is deploy it. You mean in space? Well, how do you suppose we do that? It's just one small step. The moon launch. Cape Canaveral. July 16th, 1969. We got six hours to get to Florida. Better get a move on, slick. Wait, hold up. Not us. I'm gonna do this one alone. He has to be the... Griffin. What do you mean, alone? I'm gonna go to Florida. You stay here. I need you to trust me. Trust you? I don't think so. Something you're not telling me, slick? You're not going to Florida. That ain't gonna happen, partner. Look, K... ...please, I will not allow you to go to Florida. Stop me. You die there! Cape Canaveral. Apollo launch. Boris kills you there. That's what I'm here for. That's what I came back to stop. Oh, dear. We're in this one. K... ...I saw the file. I looked at the report. I said I told you everything... That's for lying to me. Look, I'm sorry, man! That's for telling me the truth! I'm trying to protect you,... ...man! The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lies. He has to go to Cape Canaveral. He must deploy the Arc Net as he did before. There's no other way. K is the only hope in saving Earth. Can I save him? Is there any future where I save his life? Yes. But where there is death,... ...there will always be death. According to you, I've done this before. So we know it's possible. If you're half the agent you say you are, you'll make sure I don't get killed doing it. So are we partners? You tell me. Let's go. Agent K... ...how are you? I'm good. OK, group hug on the way to doing what we're doing. This morning, man is about to launch himself on a trip to the moon with the expectation of landing there. Look, I gotta ask you. If we pull this off, fix things the way they were. O and I, are we...? A wise man once told me don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. I said that, didn't I? Yes, sir. Here they are. What are they? Jetpacks. Jetpacks? No, no, no. We're not doing jetpacks. There's a reason we don't have these in the future. K, we gotta drive. Can't drive to Florida from Manhattan in five hours, chief. Yeah, we can. The red button, standard issue in every MiB car. Press the red button, goes into hyperdrive. No red buttons yet, slick. Come on, man. Do you know even how to work this stupid thing? It's like with anything. Just have to strap yourself in, hope for the best. Isn't that right, Miss O? Unfortunately, it is. You ready, slick? Let's get it. This is gonna be interesting! D (SPEAKER) It's just minutes to the historic launch of Apollo 11 with all going well... I'm so glad this isn't one of the times we explode. One of the times? Oh, we got company. The hell? Is that a battery belt? (DIAL-UP MODEM CRACKLES AND WHINES) (CRACKLING AND WHINING CONTINUES) All right, I got it. No, any reality that gets the shield deployed is one where you tell the truth. The truth? The truth is the only path. This is a restricted area! Yes, sir, it is. Good day, gentlemen. Great day for America, isn't it? My name is Agent J. This is Agent K. That's Griff. We're from a secret government organisation that polices and monitors alien activity on and off planet Earth. Here's the thing. We have this special little metal thingy that Griff gave us that we have to get on top of that rocket to prevent an alien invasion. That worked (!) Like a charm (!) Sir, Delta Gate. We have a problem. Three trespassers. No IDs, but they've got weapons, sir. Some kind I've never seen before. What breed of fool do you have to be to penetrate my site on the day of the most massive feat attempted by mankind? Watched by God, the population of the planet and my own... ...firstborn! Colonel? Colonel, they had these. They said they needed to put something on the rocket for an invasion. - Thanks. I got 10 minutes to launch. If you pose a threat to that rocket, you tell me now and do not lie to me. I told the truth last time. Sir, this man came here from the future to protect me so I can attach a shield to the top of that rocket and save the world. I need your help to do that. Take them to the brig. You're slipping, Griff. Sir, if I may. Corporal. Your men are no longer needed. I'll take the prisoners. Sir, are you...? Dismissed. Follow me. You did the future thing. What did you show him? Only what he needed to see. I have to go now. What? No, no, no. Come on. You don't need me anymore. All right, Griff, don't start flipping on me. When Boris' arm is taken, the past will be as it was. K will survive. He will not know you were ever here. All right. Arm gone, got it. Like a reset? When that happens, go home. Leave. Hey, slick, you coming? Yeah, all right! Thanks, man. Hey, will I ever see you again? Anything's possible. Oh, Griff. I can never bear to watch this part. (TV) Armstrong and Aldrin are scheduled to set foot on the moon on early Monday morning, Eastern Daylight Time. Where's Griffin? Doing his own thing. Gentlemen. This elevator will take you to the top. To get the Arc Net outside the atmosphere, you need to strap it to the escape rocket above the capsule! You do not want to be anywhere near this rocket when it takes off! Questions? No. Thank you for this, colonel. Some job you got there. Hey, thanks a lot, bro. What did Griff show you back there? How important you are. You and your partner. If everything goes right the way we hope it does, I'm gonna end up getting out of here pretty quick, so I'm not gonna have a chance to say a proper goodbye. If things go wrong, not gonna have a chance to, either. So I guess win or lose, this is it. I see why I recruited you. You're a good man. Good man. Man, what the hell happened to you? I told you, it still hasn't happened yet. I'll take this one! Naughty. Get a pedicure if you get a second. And lift-off. (TV) Just passed the two-minute mark in the countdown, and all is still go as we monitor our status board. (TV) Astronauts report it feels good. Power transfer is complete. Neil Armstrong just reported back it's been a smooth countdown. Hey! Boris, can you give me a hand? Hey. Hey! You hear me calling you? Boris the Animal! Hey! Boris the Animal! It's just Boris! You're gonna lose. Let's agree to disagree. Hey! Boris the Animal! Right. Left. You're gonna lose. Let's agree to disagree. Hey! Boris the Animal! Right. Left. Left. Right. That's not possible. Let's agree to disagree. That's not possible! K! I win! I'm better than me! That's my partner. That's my partner! If we call this in, they'll scrub the launch. I didn't see anything. Where's your partner? He went home. How does that work? You got me. Come on! Get down! Wow! Bingo. Man, that is some next-level stuff. You ever want to see more, I know a top-secret organisation that could use a man like you. I wish I could. Thank you. I'll see you around, K. Look out! Go ahead. Arrest me. Not this time. "Where there's death, there will always be death." Daddy! Daddy! Hey. Hey, my name's K. What's your name? James. James? That's a nice name. Where's my dad? What have you got there? What is that? My dad gave it to me. We timed the launch. Where is my daddy? He... He went to go do something very special. And he wanted me to stay here and take care of his best pal. When is he gonna be back? He... James... if you look right here, I will tell you the only thing you ever need to know. Your daddy is a hero. My daddy is a hero? Want to take a walk with me? Yes. James... # "Empire State of Mind" - Jay Z featuring Alicia Keys # Concrete jungle where dreams are made of # There's nothing you can't do # Now you're in New York # These streets will make you feel brand new # Brand new # Big lights will inspire you # Inspire you # Let's hear it for New York # New York # New York # New York.# You're late. Sorry. Lost track of time. How do you know that song? Drink your coffee. We got work to do. What do you know and what do you don't? How do I know what I don't know? That's a really good question. Did we go to Wu's last night? Yeah. Boglodites? Extinct for 40 years. Perfect. Did we talk on the phone last night? You hung up on me. Yeah, I did. But that was because of all those secrets the universe doesn't know about. But... ...I've realised that... ...last night was a long... ...long time ago. And, really, I just want to say thank you. It's been my privilege. You know, there's a really high possibility now that I might know some things you don't know. I doubt it. I bet I know what went down with you and O. She's a fine lady, but you know the rules. There's no fraternizing amongst agents. I think y'all might have fraternized a time or two. This is my new favourite moment in human history. Unless this is the one where K forgot to leave a tip. Almost forgot. That was a close one.