DRAMATIC, SOMBRE MUSIC Got another one coming down, Mike. Hang on a second. (Cries out) I got those... ..concert tickets you wanted. You're kidding! (Chuckles) For Friday night? Uh ha! Stan, this is great. Oh yeah... So, what time should I pick you up? Well, see, here's the thing - my very best girlfriend just came into town. She would DIE to go to this. Could we get an extra ticket? Ooh...they're out - they're sold out. That means there's no more. Oh...well, I just can't let her sit home all alone. I tell you what...why don't you just go with your friend? Oh, Stanley...I couldn't do that. No, come on! Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Agh...! Really, you are. Yeah? Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy? The best. Oh...that was the most sickening display I have ever seen. I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down. Buddy, you know what you need - a little change of pace. Tonight, I'm taking you on a love safari. Deep into the darkest heart of the urban jungle. Tell me more, Bwana. The Coco Bongo Club - hottest new joint in town. Only the creme de la creme need apply. So how do we get in? You kidding? Leave it to me. Trust me - this is going to be the perfect night on the town. THUNDER RUMBLES Hold the phone. Killer at three o'clock. SLINKY MUSIC SWELLS Stand back and observe. Excuse me, where can I open a new account? Right here. You're lucky you caught me. I was just... Could you hold this? I will hold anything you want. Thank you. Can you help me? So... ..what kind of account do you have in mind? I'm not sure exactly. I'm just terrible with things like that. That's an interesting tie, Mr...? Ipkiss. Stanley Ipkiss. Tina Carlyle. Pleased to meet you. The pleasure's all mine. May I...? May you what? I'm such a mess. Oh...of course! That's what they're there for. As I was saying about that tie. It reminds me of one of those - what do you call it? Ink blot test. The Rorshach Test. Right. You know, it sort of looks like um... a young woman riding bareback. Sort of a... Lady Godiva or something. Course. What do you see, Mr Ipkiss? Um... ..I don't know. Um...bright colours - it's a power tie. Supposed to make you feel...powerful. Does it work? Now...uh, how about that account? Uh...we have several different plans - saving... ..chequing, savings and chequing, CDs, savings and CDs, chequing and CDs, savings, chequing and CDs, T-bills. Or we could just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there. WHIRRING Now I have some forms you'll have to fill out. CLATTERING, MEN'S VOICES. SCUFFLING That's it, sweetheart. Now just a little bit to the right. Beautiful. Hey, you guys, keep it down! No problem. So, what do you think? Layout's not bad. But them motion detectors are a pain in the ass. But you can pull this off, right? Hey, you talking to the Doctor. I do have one question. Which is? What does Niko have to say about it? Nothin'. This ain't his grift. Get real, man. Everything is his grift. He owns you, he owns this club, he owns this whole stinkin' town. Things change. You mess with Niko, you end up taking a dirt nap. He's the only one who's napping. And I'm about to give him a serious wake up call. But we need some cash. So first we take the bank, then we take Niko, and then, my friend, school is out. And this whole city is our playground. (Both chuckle) HORN BLARES Hey, watch where you're going! HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH OPERA PLAYS MACHINERY WHINES Hello! Hello? Hang on. Hang on. Don't get your panties in a twist. Hey, what the hell is this? I don't know. About... 700 bucks worth. (Both laugh) And now...what can I do for you? I'm here for the Civic. The brake rims are shot and you need a new transmission. What?! All I wanted was an oil change. Well, you're lucky you caught these problems now before they caused you some serious trouble. Sign right here and press down hard. There's no price. There will be. I have no car. I must have a car tonight. Irv! Yo? Bring around the Loaner. The Loaner? The Loaner? BIG BAND JAZZ SONG: # Hey bartender # I got a lover But it's not what it seems # Just pour me a drink If you know what I mean... # TYRES SCREECH CAR BACKFIRES It's a classic. Hi. Charlie! Stanley! Gals, I want you to meet my buddy, Stanley Ipkiss. A humungo in the banking business. (Laughs) No, I'm... Let's get in this joint. Yo, Bobby! How you doin', buddy? It's Charlie! Hey, Charlie. How are ya? How ya doin', my friend? Long time no see. Good to see you. Come on, gals. Let's gather inside. Ooh! Bobby? Uh...Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Mistake. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa. You crossed the rope. Never cross the rope. But my friends are inside. Lose him. Hey, guys. Listen... Hey, watch it. Put me down right now or I am never coming back here! Hunh!! Oh...! # Hey bartender one more for luck... BIG BAND SWINGS Ah geez... BIG BAND ENDS WITH A BANG, APPLAUSE, WHISTLING SEXY MUSIC Mr Ipkiss! Hi. Hi. Are you OK? TYRES SCREECH BANG! Me? I'm great. Really good. I just...never felt better really. I'm just...catching some air out here. Your car, sir. That's not my car. It matches the ticket. (Sighs) All right... ..I'll take it. But I am very angry! Do you believe this? You drive in in a Porsche... (Starts engine) BANG! TYRES SCREECH ENGINE RATTLES SCREECH BANG! ENGINE SHUDDERS ENGINE DIES Oh... ..GEE! THUMP OW!! HISS! Argh! (Growls) EXPLOSIVE BANG HISSING, WHIRRING, RATTLING DELICATE PIANO OMINOUS RUMBLE CRASH OF THUNDER Hey! Hey, mister! Hold on! I know CPR. MAGICAL MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS Hey you! What are you doing down there? Uh... ..I'm...just...looking for... ..my mask! I got it! 9 LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS DING! PA: A message for Michael from your wife ` remember, get the screw base. For brightness, get about 1100 lumens, and warm white colour. When switching to energy-efficient bulbs, there are three things to remember ` base, brightness and colour. How you remember is up to you. Visit energywise.govt.nz to find out more. SQUELCHING Ipkiss! Do you have any idea what time it is? Actually, no. Haaa! My new carpet! SQUELCH Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss. You know, Mrs Peenman... What?! Nothing. Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss. A big nothing! Aren't you due back at the laboratory to get your bolts tightened? I should have said that. (Yaps) Hey, you! Milo. (Whimpers excitedly) You know you're not supposed to jump up. It's against doggy ordinance. (Sighs) (Snarls, whimpers) Hmm? OK. TWANGING (Wolf whistles) (Howls) WOMAN SINGS INDISTINCTLY (Laughs) (Whimpers) Do you want me to throw that? (Growls) I'm very tired. OK, I'll throw it one time. I'm not throwing it with you attached to it. Ow! You ready? Get it! Mrs Peenman: Ipkiss! Turn down those cartoons! All right, Mrs Peenman! WOMAN CONTINUES SINGING ON TV BOING! So, Dr Neuman, you're saying that everybody wears a mask? That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking. We suppress the id, our darkest desires, and a adopt a more socially acceptable image. Well, the book is, of course, 'The Masks We Wear' by Dr Arthur Neuman. Thanks for being with us today. (Snarls) What's the matter with you? What is it? (Whimpers) What are you looking for, huh? You like this thing? (Cutely) You like it! 'The Masks We Wear'. (Mimicking Dr Neuman) That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking. (Snickers) SUCKING SOUNDS (Gasps) Yeah, right. MAGICAL TINKLING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Gasps) (Shrieks) (Barks) (Howls) (Muffled) Get it off! THUNDERCLAPS WHOOSHING SKIDDING SCREECHES Sssssssssmokin'! SWING MUSIC It's party time! P-A-R-T. Why? Because I gotta! Shhh! FLOORBOARDS CREAK CLOCK GIGGLES ALARM BELL RINGS Huh? Heeeehhhh! (Laughs evilly) PITIFUL SQUEAKS (Hollers battle cry) CLOCK: No! Excuse! TENSE MUSIC (Screams) (Screams) BOINGING Woooooooooo! SPLAT! Look, Ma! I'm road kill! Ha ha haaa! CREAKING AND POPPING (Sighs) HORN HONKS (Honks horn repeatedly) Hey, get out of the road! I think he wants to communicate. (Continues honking horn) BLARING HOOT (Blows) WHOOSH! TYRES SQUEAL (Man laughs nastily) Hold onto your lug nuts! It's time for an overhaul! Yoooooo! COMICAL ZAPPING MAJESTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC (Groans) Ooohhhh! It was a dream. (Chuckles) It was a dream. (Sighs) I got to lay off the cartoons. KNOCK AT DOOR Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss? Yes. Lieutenant Kellaway, City Precinct. Do you know anything about the disturbance last night? Disturbance? Some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs Peenman. Attacked? You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot five feet from your door. Look at the floor. See that? He put that right in my floor, then jumped out the window! (Continues speaking indistinctly) This is...impossible. Those pyjamas are impossible - this actually happened. See, I have, ah... an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything. That a fact? Aye? (Laughs) Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night - anything at all - call me. You betcha! Thank you. And, ah, good luck, uh... ..cracking the case. (Breathes deeply) Oh, my God. I'm late! My keys? Keys? Where's the keys? Damn! Milo! (Grunts) Get the keys. Find them! Get the keys. Ow, Jesus! I'm so late. (Barks) Good boy! That a boy. (Growls) Give them to me. Drop it! (Whimpers) OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC I'm with the 'Evening Star'. Can you tell me what happened? No. You can quote me. It looks like a Mob tactic. There it is. She broke the case. Get these rubbernecks outta here! (Reporters shout questions) Hey, Stan. Stan! Stan! Where were you last night? The girls and I looked everywhere. Did you happen to look outside, in the gutter? Did you check the morning paper? Your girlfriend got a great revue. Ipkiss, you're 40 minutes late. Now, that's the same as stealing. I'm sorry, Mr Dickey. It'll never happen again. I've been a jerk. Well, if you weren't busy ogling girlie pictures, you might actually get some work done. Ah, sir, she's a prospective client of Stanley's. Oh, really? Well, the next time she comes in, you be sure to send her to my office. Oh! You betcha. Gee, I wish my daddy owned a bank. Then I could be a rich little creep too. Do you think she'll ever come back, Charlie? Oh, man! Forget her. Stanley, listen to me. A girl like that is always lookin' for the BBD - the bigger, better deal. You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's...she's sensitive. Stanley, forget her. She'll tear out your heart, put it in a blender and hit 'frappe'. You don't need her, man. You need somebody more down to earth. Somebody with some integrity, somebody with... ..red hair and full, pouting lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag. Boy, you really narrowed it down. Too bad she's already taken. Hello, there. May I be of some assistance? Stanley Ipkiss? Oh, hi. I'm Peggy Brandt from the 'Tribune'. Oh...hi. Look, I cancelled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from... Actually, I just have a few questions. Really? About what? Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you? Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they...pollute. You don't own an '89 Civic? Oh, that car? Yeah. Er...yeah. It's all comin' back to me. Miss...? What did you say your name was? Peggy Brandt. Wait a minute. Peggy Brandt? Of 'Ask Peggy'?! Yeah, that's right. You printed one of my letters last year. Remember? 'Nice Guys Finish Last'. You're Mr Nice Guy? Yes! Oh, Stanley! Do you realise how much mail we got about that letter? There are literally hundreds of women out there looking for a guy just like you. Really? Yeah. Know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most think monogamy's some kind of wood! Hah! So, er... why are you covering this story? Because 'Dear Peggy' pays dick. I'm starving to death. I'm looking to become a real reporter. Look, Stanley, when you were at Ripley Auto, did you see anything suspicious, anything at all? I won't make trouble for you. I just want the truth. God, I wish I knew the truth, you know? I really do. No. Well, if you think of anything, this is my number. This is my, you know, personal number. You think hundreds of women are looking for someone like me? Sure. I'm one of 'em. 'Bye. ELECTRONIC BABBLE COMPUTER: 120 yards. Hello, Dorian. Thanks for droppin' by. Yeah, well, next time why don't you call, right? Leave the delivery boys at home. Uhh! The cops...tried to shut the club down this morning. They say you've been using the place to run your own small-time scams. I hear things like that and I start losing my concentration. And my game... it goes straight to hell. WHOOSHING SOUND SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You'll go too. WHOOSH Oh! COMPUTER: 205 yards. I'm fed up with you, Dorian. But I'm gonna cut you a break. One week to get outta town. After that... I'll use your empty little skull to break in my new nine-iron. (Groans and mutters) SMOOTH COCKTAIL SONG: # I'm seein', I'm lookin' # She's a work of art # But nothin' can save you from your own heart... # Mr Ipkiss, hi. BIG BAND INSTRUMENTAL Hi. You OK? Your car, sir. I am now. # Somebody save me # No hesitating in this business of love... # Tina, come on! (Whimpers) We can't. Aghhh! (Whines) Milo! Oh, go on! Ohhh! Oh, I don't believe it! (Sighs) LUSH ORCHESTRAL MUSIC Stupid! She would never... SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC MUSIC BUILDS No way! (Sighs) (Wails) (Barks) THUNDER CRACKS THUNDER RUMBLES WIND HOWLS (Whimpers) WHOOSHING SOUND BIG BAND MUSIC Hold on, sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight! Ha! Ha! Ha! BREEZY BIG BAND MUSIC (Laughs maniacally) WHOOSHING SQUEAKING SOUND Ooooh! Somebody stop me! Uh-oh! Can't make the scene if you don't have the green. I better make a little stop. STRETCHING SOUND How's it going, Freeze? Looking good here, my man. You boys are on your own now. I gotta get downstairs - be seen. Do it. The Doctor is about to operate. OMINOUS MUSIC SOFT WHIRRING SOUND BOOM WHOOSH Sorry, fellas. Waste not, want not. (Gibbers) WHOOSH SIRENS WAIL Cops! TYRES SCREECH GUNFIRE I've got a reservation! Come on, dude! You're not on the list, you're not allowed in. HORN PLAYS MELODY BRASSY SWING MUSIC SPECTATORS: Ohhhh! How do! WHOOSH ALL: Whoooo! Er...are you on the list? No. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them. Franklin, Grant and Jackson? (Spectators gasp) That's it! Don't let anybody in! ANNOUNCER: And now we present to you the most beautiful flower of the Coco Bongo, Miss Tina Carlyle. APPLAUSE JAZZY BASS INTRO BREEZY JAZZ MUSIC (Sings) # Love makes me treat you the way that I do. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # There's nothing too good for a boy that's so true. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # I bought you a fur coat for Christmas. # A diamond ring. A Cadillac car and everything. # Love makes me treat you the way that I do. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # Love makes me treat you the way that I do. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # SQUEAKING SOUND # There's nothin' too good for a man so true. # Gee, honey, ain't I good to you? # I know how to make a man happy. # I treat you right. # With lots of lovin... # What the hell are you doin' here? We got trouble. You better come upstairs. Come on, let's go. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # (Howls enthusiastically) # For what I gave to you. # Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? # APPLAUSE (Whistles) WHOOSH Let's rock this joint! WHOOSH (Beats jungle rhythm) Yeah! BAND PLAYS INSTRUMENTAL BAND: # Hey! Look at you go! ALL: Hey! # That woman is good for me # Ain't gonna want anymore tonight! # Hey! # Hey! # Hey! # INSTRUMENTAL BREAK APPLAUSE Smokin'! Oh, man! What happened? Someone hit the joint before we could. Here. Here you go. Suck on that. DRUMMER PLAYS SOLO Son of a bitch! Ughh! Eddy, who did this, man? I... WHO?! Him. Him! That's him! That's the guy! That guy dancin' with Tina? He's dead meat. Come on! BAND PLAYS INSTRUMENTAL BREAK AUDIENCE GASPS APPLAUSE WHOOSH SONG CONTINUES I want this place cleared right now! Eeeh-heee! POPPING SOUND SONG CONCLUDES (Fires gun) SPECTATORS SCREAM Hello! Club's closed! Move it! You think I'm joking? Come on! Move it! Everyone, let's go! Tina, get outta here! Get lost! OK, twinkle-toes, I wanna know where my money is right now! OK. BELL DINGS You've got 17.5% in T-bills, amortised over the fiscal year. 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the nine, divide by the Gross National Product. Fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductable. Ice this deadbeat! WHOOSH WHISTLE BLOWS (Fires) WHOOSHING SOUNDS Shoot him! Toro! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Thank you very much! Hoo! Hah! BULLET RICOCHETS Ugh! You...got me, partner! (Chuckles smugly) Uhh! Ahh! Oooh! Ooh! Ahh! Eee! (Groans and splutters) Hold me closer, Ed! (Pants) It's gettin' dark! (Coughs) Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out. (Coughs) Ohhh! (In English accent) Tell Tiny Tim I won't be comin' home this Christmas. (Coughs heavily) Tell Scarlett I do give a damn. (Coughs and splutters) (Farts) Pardon me. WHOOSH (Sobs) APPLAUSE Thank you! You love me! You really love me! You're not goin' anywhere! WHOOSH GUNFIRE (Laughs maniacally) Drop it! Turn around! Hey, Kellaway! Drop it! Go ahead. You got a warrant this time? Or just stopped by for a nightcap? What I got is probable cause. Couple of your boys were spotted knocking over Edge City Bank. Easy, you're givin' me a woody. One of 'em was wearin' a big green mask. You know, for once, Kellaway, you're right. Except it wasn't one of my boys. Maybe if you tried a little actual police work. Cough up! Lieutenant, there's a stiff upstairs. It's a guy from the heist. You better call your high-priced lawyer, Tyrell. We're goin' downtown for a little chat. Get him outta here! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Ipkiss. KNOCK AT DOOR Kellaway: Ipkiss, I know you're in there! RAPID KNOCKING Police! (Groans) Oh, my... Open up! Oh, my God! RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR Ipkiss! We know you're in there! Ohh! KNOCKING CONTINUES (Yaps) Open up! Come on! I'm getting blisters on my fingers! Hey! Milo, no! (Growls) No! No! No! Stop it! I'm coming! OK, I'm coming! I'll be right there! Let's go! Ipkiss! Move it! All right! (Unlocks door) Hi, Lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now. I just... Won't you come in? Where were you last night, Ipkiss? Here...mostly. Is something wrong? What do you know about this Mask character? Mask? Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and this was in the Coco Bongo. There can't be two idiots with these pyjamas. (Milo whines) Milo, no! May I see those pyjamas, Mr Ipkiss? Those pyjamas... Those pyjamas were...stolen. Somebody stole your pyjamas? Yeah! (Milo snarls) I mean... (Barks) ..what is this city coming to when a man's pyjama drawer is no longer safe? WHOOSH Look at that guy. Nobody's that fast at my bank. I'll say. I don't know, boss. That's one helluva rubber mask. What did the lab report say? We got some fingerprints on some of the currency but nothing matches Tyrell's men. This guy beat him to the punch. Get the bank employee files and run the prints on a guy named Stanley Ipkiss. You figure it was an inside job? With prints, I'll lock this wack-job up till doomsday. Fifty grand. Fifty grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a bitch before the cops do. I want you to get the word out to every street hustler, to every low-life in this town. You understand? I want him here tomorrow - alive. You still here? Come on, let's go! MURMURED CONVERSATIONS, POLICE RADIO CRACKLES Ipkiss! We have a crisis here - and you stroll in over an hour late?! I won't put up with your slovenly behaviour... Back off, monkey boy... ..before I tell your daddy this place is your personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS and arrange a little vacation for you at Club Fed! That'll be all, Ipkiss. Genius! THAT was genius. Buddy, I have chills! God! What side of whose bed did you wake up on? I'm not sure. I haven't exactly been myself lately. Well, you don't look real fabulous. Really? Do I look bad? Bah! Not to worry, this'll put the colour back in your cheeks. Two tickets for the charity ball at the Coco Bongo Club this Saturday night. Anybody who's anybody will be there. Wanna be my date? Oh, Charlie, I... Wait just a minute. Tina, what are you doing here? I just wanted to thank you. But I'm not sure if I'll have much to open an account with any more. What about the club? I thought you were doing great. It's not your problem. I'll be OK. (Whispers) Tina, come here. You didn't stop by just to see me, did you? (Sighs) It's OK. Tell me. The guy they say robbed this place... The Mask. He was at the club last night. Really? They say he's pretty... ..weird looking. Yeah, but... you ought to see him dance. So, did, um... anyone find out who he is? Why are you interested? Just curious, I guess. Um... (Clears throat) I'd better be going. Thanks for everything, Stanley. You'd like to see him again, wouldn't you? I, um...wouldn't mind. I know him, you know? You do? We're old college buddies, him and me. (Sighs) It's funny you should mention the way he dances because, uh... ..I...taught him a couple of dance moves myself. Can you have him meet me tonight? I could work something out. How about at...Landfill Park? OK. Sunset? Perfect. Super. Thanks, Stanley. You really are a nice guy. This is an interesting piece, Mr Ipkiss. Looks like fourth or fifth century Scandinavian. Possibly a representation of a Norse night god, maybe Loki. Loki? Who's Loki? The Norse god of mischief. Supposedly he caused so much trouble that Odin banished him from Valhalla forever. Then he could have banished him into that mask? I'm talking about mythology, Mr Ipkiss. This is a piece of wood. But your book... My book is about masks as a metaphor, Mr Ipkiss. A metaphor. Not to be taken literally. You're suffering from a mild delusion. I've gotta see Tina. But what do I do? I mean...do I go as myself, or the Mask? If I tell you, you promise to leave my office right now? Mm-hm. All right. Mr Ipkiss... ..go as yourself and as the Mask, because they are both one and the same beautiful person. WOMAN ON RADIO: Got the crosscheck on the fingerprints. It's Ipkiss all right. I'm looking at him. Just keep the swat team standing by. If he's as bad as he's supposed to be, we'll have a full dance card. Do you have pickle-relish? Get in the car. But I ordered onion rings. Doyle! (Starts car) (Sighs) No... No. Stanley! What are you doing here? Tina, hi. I just wanted to come by and make sure that you two got together all right. That's nice. You know, I... I hardly ever stop by here. It's hard to believe it was just a garbage heap. Yeah. It's, uh... It's, uh, it's...really beautiful right around sunset. The methane emissions really...pick up the colours. Wow. All those pinks and greens... Uhhh... My friend will be along here any minute. I-I-I, I'd better go. Stanley, wait. Stanley? Stanley! THUNDEROUS NOISE HOWLING WIND BRAKING NOISE (Exclaims) (In French accent) Hello, cherie. We meet again! TANGO PLAYS Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternise? I'd like to think so! Hah! Hah! Hah! LOUD SWISH Kiss me, my dear. And I will reveal my croissant! I will spread your pate! I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise! (Cries out) (Runs away) (In squeaky voice) She is so coy! (French accent) I love it!!!! LOUD PING AND SWISH Our love...is like a red, red rose. And I am...a little thorny. (Snaps) Je t'adore. Je t'adore! Je t'window. I don't care! (Cackles maniacally) This is Kellaway. I need backup - now! Cigarette? No? Now...like Napoleon, I will...divide and conquer! Ipkiss! Police! Merde! Freeze! Put your hands up! But you told me to freeze. All right, all right! Un-freeze! You're under arrest. No! It wasn't me. It was the one-armed man! SWISH (In gangster voice) All right, I confess! I did it, you hear? And I'm glad - glad I tell you! (Tragic voice) What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? What are they gonna do?! Sorry, son. That's not my department. Search him! OWW! Where's a camcorder when you need one? (Snort-laughs) Where's a camcorder when you need one? (Snort-laughs) It's gonna be a long night! My wife's gonna kill me. What is it, Murray? Cops got Ipkiss at Landfill Park. Let me cover it. Then you can go home to Clare. I don't know, Peggy. Ramsay said... Look - I will take care of Ramsay. Thanks a million. I owe you one. Doyle: Really big sunglasses. SQUEAK Bike horn. Small-mouth bass. Wow! Bowling pin. SNAP (Cries out) Mouse trap. Rubber chicken. Little to the left. That's it. TOY SQUEAKS I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses. I've never seen those before. Bazooka. I have a permit for that. Picture of Kellaway's wife. What?! Oh-oh! Margaret! You son of a bitch! Geez, I figured you had a sense of humour. After all...you married her! (Screams) That's gotta hurt! Get him! Doyle! ACTION MUSIC, SWISHING NOISE MULTITUDE OF GUNS COCK (Screams) It's all over, Ipkiss! Put your hands over your head or we'll open fire! (Breathes deeply) Hit it! LIVELY LATIN-AMERICAN DANCE MUSIC (Sings) # They call me Cuban Pete. # I'm the king of the rumba beat! # When I play the maracas I go chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom. # Yes, sir! I'm Cuban Pete. # I'm the craze of Maraca Street. # When I start to dance, everything goes chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom. # The senoritas dancing, you know, they swing with their sombreros. # It's very nice... # (Women exclaim) # So full of spice. # And when they're dancing they'd ring. # Happy ring de vaquero... # (Both exclaim) # Singing a song all day long... # SWISH (Howls happily) # Would you like the beat? Take a lesson from Cuban Pete. # And I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom! (Sings) # He's a really modest guy. # Although he's the hottest guy # in Havana. # In Havana! # Si, senorita! I know you'd like chicky-boo-chee... (All sing) # It's very nice! So full of spice! # And my senorita, if you will just give me your hand. # Then we shall try just one night... # Ole! He's not bad. Shut up and help me down! # And I'll give you chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom! (All shout excitedly) CONGA MUSIC Ei, ei, ei! BIG BAND SWING MUSIC (Sings) # Hot-pa-doodle daddy Hot-pa-doogle-doogle # What's the matter with you, dandy... # You start dancing - I'll blow your brains out. Give me that thing! Wow! See ya! There he is! Let's get him! Snap out of it! This dance is over! (Makes mocking noise) (Screams) He's down the alley! Follow me! Come on! Pull out your guns! (Groans) (Screams) (Gasps) PEGGY: Stanley! HORN HONKS Stanley, get in! There he is! Halt or I'll shoot! GUNSHOTS Shoot! Shoot! TYRES SQUEAL Seat belts. I missed him. Come on! We all missed him. PEGGY: I saw it. I saw everything. What's happening to you, Stanley? It's crazy. I'm losing control. When I put that mask on... ..I can do anything. Be anything. But it's wrecking my life. My life is wrecked. Wrecked. Wrecked. Look, I don't know what's happening to you, Stanley, but I do know this. That letter that you sent my column - that was from a guy with more guts and more heart than any of the creeps that I've met in this city. Whatever that mask is, you don't need it. You, Stanley Ipkiss, are already all you'll ever need to be. Gosh, Peg... ..do you really mean that? Actually... ..no. Good. What took you guys so long? I've been babbling for 20 minutes. Is this him? You got the 50 thou.? Give her the money. Right. When he wears the mask he becomes that green thing. Peggy... ..what are you doing? Sorry, Stanley. You really are a great guy. I just can't lose my condo. You know how hard it is to find an apartment. You said you wouldn't hurt him! MACHINERY WHINES I lied. Stanley! Hey! Help! (Cries out) What?! Tell me, how does this mask work? I don't know. You just...put it on! MAGICAL TINKLING THUNDERCLAPS SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS Boss, you'd better be careful, huh? (Screams) (Demonic voice) What a rush! Whoa, boss! Are you OK? Better than ever, you idiot. What do we do with Ipkiss? The police are looking for the Mask. So we'll give them the Mask. (Stanley grunts) (Squeals) Money better be here, Ipkiss, or you can Ipkiss your ass goodbye. (Whimpers, growls) Hey, Orlando. (Growls) (Whimpers) (Stanley grunts) Get over. I still can't believe it! Hardened cops dancing in the street and broadcast all over the '11 o'clock News'! Swat team was asked to open in Vegas. I'm history. The captain's going to have my badge for breakfast. Oh, come on, Lieutenant - it's not all your fault. Something will turn up. Sure. Stanley Ipkiss is going to fall right into my lap! TYRES SCREECH (Stanley screams) (Grumbles incoherently) Get him off! Get him off! Come on. (Squeals) Ipkiss! Wait! I can explain everything. Oh, yeah? You can explain everything? Explain this. Um... Get up! Let's go! Got a jail cell for you, pal! DOG BARKS Milo. You'd better forget about me, buddy. Find yourself a new place to live. Looks like I'll be here for a long, long time. (Whimpers) (Whimpers) Man: Hey, you with the face! You got a visitor. Tina! Hello, Stanley. What are you doing here? Is it true? You're the Mask. Yeah, but don't tell anybody. If I get a good lawyer and strike up a deal I can be out of here in about 10,000 years. You're taking a chance coming here. Your boyfriend might be a little upset. He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's going to do something terrible. Like what - the lambada? Stanley, this is serious. There's got to be a way to stop him. How does it work? I don't know. It's like a... It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down inside you're... ..a little repressed and a hopeless romantic, you become some sort of a love-crazy wild man. And if you're somebody like Dorian? Then we're all in big trouble. And if I were you I'd get out of town...fast. Thanks. For what? Lots of things. For sharing a sunset with me. For being the only guy who treated me like a person and not some sort of party favour. For being any kind of romantic... ..even a hopeless one. You're welcome. You know, that night at the club I knew I'd found someone special. The Mask. No. It was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. (Whispers) You. Stanley Ip...kiss. Man: OK, lady - time's up! C-could I have just one more minute? I've got to disappear for a while now, Stanley. I don't know where I'm going to go, but I'll let you know as soon as I can. Together, we all use enough hot water in a year to fill 33,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools. Hot water heating is around 30% of your energy bill, 1 Did you know how much hot water a family of four uses each year? Around 70,000 litres. That's equal to 70,000 hot water bottles. Together, we all use enough hot water in a year to fill 33,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools. Hot water heating is around 30% of your energy bill, so having an energy-efficient hot water system makes sense. If you're building, renovating or when the time is right, it's worth taking a look at the options. If it's just you and your best mate, you may not need too much hot water. But if you've got a family of seven who all want showers in the morning, you want an efficient system that can cope. This tool helps you compare all the options that could be right for your household. Here's a tip ` check the water temperature at the tap. If it's more than 55 degrees, it's unsafe and you could be using more energy than you need to. Efficient hot water systems give you hot water you need, save you money and conserve our country's resources. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Tina screams) Somebody help me! Aaaaah! (Screams) STANLEY: Oh, no! No! Guard? Guard! Guard! There's a woman being chased through the alleyway. Come on! She needs help! Yeah, yeah, sure. Keep it down, Ipkiss. Come on! Serve and protect, man! (Whispers) Milo? Milo? Milo! Good boy! Come on, come on. Jump up. Come on. Can you jump up? Woof? Remember I taught you not to jump on people? Forget all that, OK? Come on. Come on! Get up here! Get up here! Get up! Get up! That's it! You can do it! Come on! Come on! Come on! Milo! Put some effort into it! Baby, there you are. I was beginning to get all worried about you. Nice little talk with the cops? I just went to see what Ipkiss told them. That's right, you and Stanley are getting awfully close. Maybe you helped him out with the bank job. That's ridiculous. Oh, is it? Look what I found in her car. You planning a trip without me, baby? No. No? (Gasps) Boys, I want you to pick her out something pretty to wear, OK? 'Cause we're going to a party tonight and we'll have a great time, won't we? (Whispers) Yes. Yes. Get out of my sight. (Whispers) Jump up. Get up. Come on. Woof? Come on, Milo. Jump. Please. Do it for Daddy! Arf! That's it! Oh! Come on. I knew you could do that. (Whispers) Good boy. Good boy. Good boy. See that man over there? Woof? (Snores) He's got keys. Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get 'em! Go get the keys! Go get 'em! That's it. Yeah. OK, get the keys... No. Not...not the cheese, the keys. Put the cheese down... ..and get the keys. Go on. Over there. Over there! (Snores) (Stirs) Shhh! Yeah! Oh, man! Come on. Come here. Good boy! That's a good boy. Good boy! Yeah! Oh. Give it. Give it. Grrrrr! Give me the keys, give me the keys. Drop it, drop it. Sundown. It's almost time. Oh - I wouldn't do that, darlin'. Wouldn't want to start the celebration early, would you? Arf! (Whispers) Milo! Arf? Aaaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaargh! Hold it! I'm warning you, I'm seriously stressed out here. Easy, Ipkiss. Come on. Don't be an idiot. You're in the middle of a police station. You'll never walk out of here like this. You know, you're right. You're absolutely right. What the hell are you doing? You're gonna take me out as your prisoner. Put it on. Put it on! Ow! Come on. I'm really very sorry about this. I'm sure. Milo! Woof? You've got the wrong guy, I tell you! Bum rap! I got my rights! Hey, Lieutenant. Where are you taking Ipkiss? Ixnay. He has otgay an ungay. Ow! Oh, I get it. Pig Latin, right? Eesay ouyay aterlay! Woof! (Whimpers) Come on! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Why don't you just sit back and relax, OK? I've got to change for the party. RAP VERSION OF 'MINNIE THE MOOCHER' PLAYS # Ho! # Slicker! # Ooh, hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi # Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho... # Pack of cigarettes. Which brand, sir? Doesn't matter. I don't smoke. But for you, I would shoot the surgeon-general. Mayor Tilton, may we have a word with you? I always have time for the press or my loyal constituents. # Swing it! # Hey! # Swing it! # SULTRY MUTED TRUMPET BANG!! SCREAMING DARK, FRIGHTENING MUSIC TYRES SCREECH HORNS BEEP Take these cuffs off! You're driving like a maniac! Sorry! We're late for the ball! Alice and the White Rabbit will be really disappointed. Now you're being cynical. Who the hell are you? I'm just an ex-employee who's come for his back pay... ..or should I say payback?! Dorian? Ugh! Kill him! Come on. EMPTY GUN CLICKS (Inhales deeply) PARTY-GOERS SHRIEK HYSTERICALLY (Screams) (Laughs evilly) Ladies and gentlemen... SCREAMING AND GASPING ..I will be your host for the remainder of the evening. ..I will be your host for the remainder of the evening. (Whines) Ipkiss, get your dog away from me. I'm sorry, he seems to be attracted to you. Wait - where is everybody? Something's not kosher here. Exactly! Watch it! I'm sorry. I'll have to lock you in. Use the radio. What? You know - call for backup or something. Milo... Arf? This could be dangerous. You stay here and be a good boy. Daddy has to go kick some ass. (Growls) (Whimpers) He's a dead man. SCREAMING Go! Get back! Come on, come on! Move it! Take it easy. I got the point. PARTY-GOERS PANIC AS ORDERS ARE GIVEN Blow it! Tina: Bastard! What's the matter, darlin'? This is your big production number. And you know - it's important to go out with a big bang! (Whispers) Charlie! What are you doing here? Take this gun and start sneaking people out the back. Right. Let's go! You don't know who you're talking to! You're dead if you don't step back! WOMAN: You should respect law and order! What kind of thug are you? It's all set, Dorian. Excellent. This party's over... ..in 10 minutes. This is the moment of truth, when a man shows what he's really made of. Crap. Drop it, Ipkiss. Smart dog. Say, boss - look who decided to crash the party. Hi, Dorian. How's it goin'? Bring him up here! Dorian! Dorian, wait! No! (Growls) There's no time for last requests. But all I wanted was a kiss. A kiss? Just one...last...kiss. Dorian, I can't shut this thing off! There's always time... for one last kiss. (Squeals) No! From the real Dorian. The one I used to love. Nobody ever kissed me like Dorian Tyrell. Romeo! This whole place is gonna blow in two minutes! JUST WAIT! I've decided. Give her one last thrill. BOMB TIMER TICKS Get it! GLASS SHATTERS TRIUMPHAL MUSIC Run, Milo! I've got him! Argh! Stanley, hurry! Don't worry, Tina. It's all over now. Stanley! Gotcha! Aaaaaaaaagh! I'm gonna take you apart. I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye! Aaaaaaaaaaagh! (Growls menacingly) Good doggy. Shhh. Good doggy. I'm winning! TINA: Stanley! Aaaaaaagh! Yeah! Milo! Oh, my God. This has got to be a new breed. Oh! Easy, boy! Good boy! Woof! TIMER TICKS Did you miss me? I guess not! (Mimics Clint Eastwood) Now, you have to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well... ..do ya... ..punks? (Snickers) Stanley! Ah! (Belches disgustingly) (Italian accent) That's a spicy meatball! How do? (Growls and barks) (Imitates Daffy Duck) This guy's incorrigible! Aaaaaaaaaah! You were good, kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second-best, see? Police! Hands up! Officers - arrest those men. I've always wanted to say that. Come on. Give me that gun! He stole all our jewellery! Get me down to headquarters... KELLAWAY: Nab that man! Ipkiss! I've got you now, Ipkiss. Oof! Watch it, chunky! Mayor Tilton, I'm so sorry... What the hell's wrong with you?! That man is the Mask! No, Dorian Tyrell was the Mask. I saw it with my own eyes. This man just saved our lives. With a little help from his friends. You're a real hero! KELLAWAY: Doyle! Well, it's nothing any American with balls of steel wouldn't do for his community. Milo! Come on! Hey! Wait! That dog! Mayor Tilton, did you see that dog? Leave the dog alone. Be in my office first thing tomorrow morning. Yes, Your Honour. Boy, that doesn't sound good at all. No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?! Breakfast. Shut up! You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? I'm sure. Then do what you gotta do. Sure you're not gonna miss this guy? When he's gone, all that's left is me. ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS PERCUSSIVE MUSIC THROBS Milo! Smokin'! SONG: # Know Don't you wanna know? www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2013