1 (GRAND MUSIC) (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (ALARM BEEPS) (MEN SHOUT) Lucky ring on. I feel so much safer (!) Grip it, we're coming in hot! (SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (ALARM BELL RINGS) (MEN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Hold on! (MAN YELPS) Clear! Let's go. What's the hold-up? Nothing, we're on our way. Let's go! Your dude's trippin'! (MAN SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (ALARM SHRILLS) Doc! -Hey, forget this maniac! -I'm not leavin' him! Doc! Doc! Move! BOOM! (MEN CHEER) Copyright Able 2016 Whoa. You just gonna roll up on me, huh? After eight damn years. What's up with that? You were in a black ops prison. It doesn't officially exist. I just got the location from a guy named Church, an agency spook. -Excuse me? -Agency official. Relax. I think you're in a time warp, man. What a waste of life. You make one damn mistake! Wasn't a mistake. It was stupid. If you'd done that to me, I would've chopped you into pieces. (LAUGHS) You would've tried. Hey, you wanna thank the guys? The guys? Where are our guys? -Hammer? Woodsman? -Gone. Dead gone? Yeah. DOC: Damn! Heard you killed more people than the plague. How 'bout that? -Why they call you Dr Death? -Used to be a medic. But that was a long time ago. So, why'd you get locked away? Tax evasion. So, you all that's left of The Expendables? We're it. We started out with five. Built up to 22. I see Barney's still hanging the tags up there. Said that jinglin' sound the tags make, that's a reminder that our brothers are still here. Somewhere. Come on, Viking. Give an old schooler your blade. Else you might find your tags up there jinglin' too. Jing-a-ling. Jing-a-ling, jing-a-ling. Sharpen it when you're done. I think your friend's a little off. Come on, Christmas. He's been in the hole for eight years. How'd he get so lucky? He tried pulling off this half-assed political assassination for a few bucks in this place called Swaziland. And he blew it. -Self-destructive. -Yeah, something like that. But you know what he is? He's a good medic. -Well, I don't need a check-up. -Why are you so sarcastic? -You're vague. -Vague? -Secrets, idiot. -(LAUGHS) I mean, why do you take me halfway around the planet to save this... medical genius, as you describe him? For what? -He's an Expendable. -Oh my God. -Come on. -He's an Expendable! -So he's one of the flock? -Let me tell you something. If you were incarcerated for years, I'd come and save you. Thanks, hero. But I doubt it. And I know you'd do the same for me. -Truthfully? -You'd let me rot? -Exactly. -(BOTH CHUCKLE) Hey, Doc. What's your name? Christmas. (SCOFFS) Is that real? -Authentic. -Is that real too? Oh, no, I spend three hours every morning putting this on with a black biro. This is real. Authentic. Original. -Look at that. -Huh. Huh. Balance is a little off. Are you a knife man? Best. Ever. I'm the Knife Before Christmas. -(BARNEY LAUGHS) -Ain't that right, Barney? If you say so. Probably free-stylin' with a blade while you were still suckin' on your daddy's titty tryin' to learn how to eat with a spoon. Yeah. Is that another little secret you was keeping there, Mr Vague-o? Stay out of my brain, would you? I tell ya, I can't wait to get home. Eat some good food, put on some fine threads, break out my '49 Pontiac and kick that baby until the engine blows up! (LAUGHS) You didn't tell him, did you? -Tell me what? -We're not going home. We're stoppin' a dealer named Victor Minns delivering a shipment of thermobaric bombs. Oh, come on, man! -That shit is hellfire. -Hey, routine stuff. Why didn't you just pick me up on your way back? We're a man short. Well, you know I'd love to party with you boys, but, uh... I don't have my shit. Oh. -That's my shit! -It is your shit. (LAUGHS) Doc, did you thank the guys? Helping you out? (STAMMERS) Say somethin'. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, listen up! Uh, it's been a long time since I had a reason to say thank you. So I just wanna,... you know, uh... -He's getting his rhythm. -I wanna say, uh,... thank you! Sincerity's overwhelming. -Think I'm gonna weep. -You know what? Enough. Can you not be sarcastic? That was great, Doc. Seriously. That was pretty good. You haven't talked for a long time. You got the gift. It's like riding a bike. To me, it was like Churchill's best moment. -Gettysburg Address. -I think I m-made my point. -It moved me. It moved him. -I moved you too? Stunning delivery. Stunning. OK. (LAUGHS) -Doc. -Yeah? Great to have you back. No better place to be. Yeah. (WHISTLES) 'Bout time you boys showed up. -Nice boat. -Thanks, ladies. Stole it myself. Got three more just like it patrolling the harbour. Two-man ground teams every 400m. Good work. Just cos you can fly a plane don't make you smarter than me. -Sure it does. -(LAUGHS) So you the reason I've been stuck down here in this shithole? Shithole? Brother, you have no idea. Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS) The hell is that? This bitch'll solve all your problems. Yeah, maybe for 10 seconds, before it blows its wad. So now you got that problem too? ALL LAUGH You walked into that one. Come on, look alive, look alive! BARNEY: Good luck. (MEN NEARBY SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Yah! It was all under control. Yeah, that's what it looked like. -Where ya been? -Had a doctor's appointment. Catch up with you boys later. Where's he goin'? GUNNER: Watch your overhead. MEN GRUNT Doc, go. -Damn. He's good. -Maybe to you. -You're gonna wanna see this. -See what? I'll show you. Damn. He's really good. -Say it again, I'll shoot you. -Chill. Get in. -Where's the bomb? -It'll be there. DOC: Barney, it looks like the target is right on time. There's Minns. Let's take him out fast. Barney, I gotta put you down. It can't be. CHRISTMAS: What can't be? We gonna shoot these guys or what? -What's the hold-up? -He's dead. CHRISTMAS: Who's dead? Stonebanks. Stonebanks! Come on, get in, get in, get in! -Barney, move! -Go, go, go! Now! Come on! Time to mow the lawn! -(GRINDS TO A HALT) -Huh? Told you. 10 seconds. Hang on! I found you a ride. Time to go! -Come on! -Go, go, go! -How much we gettin' paid for this? -Not enough. Go right! -You're not gonna fit! -Always negative. Gettin' carsick. -Hang on, Doc! -Watch out! -Got it! Get out! Come on! Caesar, we're coming your way. Where are you? In this filthy river. Behind you! Try to stay as close as you can! Make room for Caesar! Move your asses! What?! What was that? A huge black guy in a boat. (SCREAMS) Hold it, hold it! You got it goin'! -You all right? -Yep! Pull over! (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) Ah! (GROANS) Ah! Incoming! Move! Move! BOOM! (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) (GROANS) Hang on! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Barney. Barney! (SCREAMS) (DOG TAGS JINGLE) DRAMATIC MUSIC 1 (MONITOR BEEPS STEADILY) Maybe this will bring you luck. -Is he gonna make it? -I don't know. -Who did this? -Stonebanks. I thought you killed him. So did I. He shot Caesar to get back at me. You know, I'm getting out of this business. And so should you. Not yet. Hey, if you need any help with Stonebanks... I'm supposed to meet a guy named Church. I know you are. -So who are you? -Operations Officer Drummer. You don't have to worry about Church anymore. He's, um... He's out of the picture. Jesus, Ross. What a mess. We gave you everything. Target, opportunity, all the intel you could ask for. And you got decimated, and my target walked away. Am I wrong, huh? Am I missing something? Yeah. Church said the target's name was Victor Minns. -And? -He was wrong. His real name is Conrad Stonebanks. We knew him only as Victor Minns. Arms dealer, made billions selling to every psycho warlord in Africa and the Middle East. Has his own mercenary army. He's personally responsible for torturing and killing two of the best men I ever knew - friends. I don't give a shit what his name is. I don't like him. I want him as bad as you do. This happened on my watch. You fucked up, and I'm wearing it. I'll find him. Again. You've got one more shot. Nice to finally meet you, Barney. Your men are shot to shit. What are you gonna do for a team? Don't worry about it. I'll handle it, Drummer. Relax. You're gonna give yourself a stroke. What's with these guys? You mind? (ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC) Krug. (SIGHS) Do you think when the artist painted this he ever thought it would go for such a ridiculous price? I mean, what is it? Just some paint, brushes, some cheap canvas. What's the big deal? (SIGHS) It's shit. What do you want for it? 3 million. Done. Done. You know, it's very hard for me to say this but at one time, you guys were the best. Maybe still are. But nothing lasts forever. Hard as it is to hear,... we aren't the future anymore. Unfortunately for us, we're a part of the past. You, uh` You going somewhere with this? As I see it, if we keep this life up, the only way this thing ends, for all of us, is in a hole in the ground and no one giving a shit. Now, if that's the way I'm supposed to go out, I can live with that. For me. But what I can't live with... and won't live with... is taking you with me. What are you saying? That's our call. I'm changing things now. You. Me. All of us. It's over. We're done. Done? You break me out, cut me loose? You'll survive. You all will. Live your lives while you can. Where you goin', Barney? Hey, you think you just pull the plug and that's it? -Just did. -Yeah? -Well, it doesn't work that way! -What? We've been through the mud, the shit and the blood! And I've saved your arse more times than I can count. You owe me a shot at this son of a bitch that took Caesar down. We're not doing that. When I joined, I joined for the whole ride. I know you did. Ride's over. SOFT MUSIC JAUNTY ROCK MUSIC # Come with me now # Come with me now # Whoa, come with me now # I'm gonna take you down # Whoa, come with me now # I'm gonna show you how # Whoa, come with me now # I'm gonna take you down # Whoa, come with me now # I'm gonna show you how... # (MEN GRUNT) Bonaparte. Sorry to hear about Caesar. Hope he pulls through. He's a good one. The good ones are rare. -Yeah. -Well, here we are again. -What do you need? -A new team. Retired the old ones. Welcome to the 21st century. What guys you looking for? Young, hungry, willing to take a bullet. -I'm going after Stonebanks. -Stonebanks! Glad to see I'm not the only one slipping a notch. Stonebanks is dead, my friend. More thanks to you. No, he's not. That's not good. If he's half of what he used to be, four or five ain't gonna cut it. -You're gonna need 50. -Gotta move fast. No time. If you gotta do it fast, I can't guarantee the best. Give me some that don't give a damn. What, is this a one-way ticket? Could be. Fine. I've got a line on a few head cases. Couple of these guys you'll probably end up shooting yourself. Wait. What about these guys. They anything? These guys are pussies. # Whoa, come with me now! # Goes by Thorn. Expert hacker. Drone pilot. Did 18 months for hacking into Seattle's central operating system. Shut down the whole city for three days. -Why the hell would he do that? -Cos he can. What? I'm not looking for an office worker. Oh, that's not him. That's him. Another one with a death wish. You two got a lot in common. -I could do that. -(LAUGHS) You know what? I'm gonna come right out and say it. I belong on you. One, two... (GRUNTS) -You can't do that. -No. Want a special rate on that one. Yeah, yeah. Hazard pay. Always on the damn road going someplace you don't give a damn about. Beats standing still. Yeah, I got two ex-wives and three kids who've lost my number would disagree. Hey, did you turn off the autopilot? I didn't touch the autopilot. Give me the booze. Are we off course? Where the hell are we? Here, hang on a second. Is that` Is that the Big Dipper? Yeah, we gotta turn around. Wow. BONAPARTE: Next candidate is an expert at field craft and close quarters combat. (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) -Luna. -Hi. Ambitious young lady. Meet a friend of mine, Barney Ross. -Barney Ross, Luna. -Luna, Barney Ross. Nice to meet you, Mr Ross. Gentlemen, follow me. I have your table waiting. Come on. Live a little. -So, Luna, how are things? -You know, gets old. MAN: What you wanna do? You wanna go, bro? If you guys will excuse me. All right, so what are we doing here? Have a drink. Where's the candidate? Right there in the red dress, about to chop those guys in half. The hostess? Not the hostess. She's the bouncer. I could do that. Wanna slip on a dress and give it a shot? (CHUCKLES) Men. She's good. You oughta see her without heels. 1 (GRAND MUSIC) -When was your last check-up? -I don't know. A while back. High cholesterol, plaque, all that stuff? -Yeah, pretty much. -Yeah. 'Cept with me,... they found a lump on my lung. Very dark, they said. Oh, no. Boy, I sure didn't see that comin'. Well, what do you do? Uh, try to make as much money as I can, fast as I can. -Yeah. -For those kids, you know. The ones I don't talk to. Make some kind of good impression on 'em when I'm gone. -Sad, isn't it? -Yeah, it is sad. Sorry. Ah, it's all bullshit. I'm fine. -What?! -Just checking you're still human. (LAUGHS) Had you going there, though, didn't I? Yeah, you did, goddamn it. That can never happen again. I'll never trust you again. Next kid's a bit of a dark horse. Just came across my desk. I don't like throwing in wild cards, but this guy's creds were too good to pass up. Anybody seen Felipe? Yo, Felipe! SPANISH MUSIC -Looks good, Bonaparte. -Yeah, not bad. Think you finally got it right. Damn. Felipe Silva. Meet Barney Ross. (CLEARS THROAT) Galgo. You sent me another fake resume? Uh, Mr Ross, I can do what you need, whatever you need. I am healthier than I look, stronger than I look, faster than I look. Shit. You were born in 1984? Of course not! But I feel like I was born in '84. Do not waste your time. Barney, we're leaving. Mr Ross. Mr Ross, Mr Ross! Please. (LAUGHS) It's like I have discovered the fountain of youth. I mean, not the fountain of youth. Ponce de Leon discovered that one ` by the way, another great Spaniard, like myself. No ` you know, Mr Ross, age is just a state of mind. You're only old when you surrender, when you give up. And I haven't. Not yet. -Galgo, this shit has got to stop. -No, I gotta go. This is the third time this month. Seriously, move on! BARNEY: What's this guy's story? Actually, I feel a little sorry for him. His last team dropped him. Back in the day, you couldn't catch him. Very fast. Maybe even faster than you. -No way. -Oh, maybe. But what am I gonna say? It's a young man's game. (SCREAMS) I need a job! All I know what to do is killing people! And I do that very well! God damn it! BARNEY: What's the story on this guy? -BONAPARTE: Found him at DARPA. -DARPA? Yeah, it sounds like a town in North Africa. Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency, where they send the brightest military minds to develop next-gen weapons. Google it. I'm not looking for a weapons nerd. Ah! Then you've come to the right place. (WHISTLES) Yo, Marlito! Mars, I'd like you to meet Barney Ross. As shooters go, Mars is as gifted as they get. -Whatever you say. -What do you say? MARS: What I've got here is an XM25 assault rifle. Laser ranged, 25mm high-explosive airburst rounds. Can be programmed to detonate over or behind a target. He'll do. BONAPARTE: Final candidate, John Smilee. Guy's got the most heat in the industry. A lot of skills. Marines Special Operator. -But there is an issue. -What issue? Ah, classic authority problem, but... there's a couple more swimmin' around in there too. (BELL RINGS) (CROWD ROARS) Sorry, Barney, wasting your time like this. He's not the guy I thought he was. No. I wanna meet him. (SNIFFS) Oh. John, meet Barney Ross. Didn't do much to impress out there today, did you? You called me. I didn't call you. Took a dive for the money? Maybe you like getting your ass kicked in front of strangers. What do you guys want from me? BARNEY: You running from something? I don't know you. -But I know you. -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. -How's that? Maybe he thinks you got potential, we're short on time. -That about right? -That's about it. Well, that's your problem. And your problem is you're rolling around in the dirt for chump change. I hear you lost a few friends in the desert. They bought it. You didn't. You wear the guilt. I've been there. He's been there. We all lived it. -But you don't know me. -I know the type. Bonaparte, you were right. You did waste my time. Hey! He didn't waste your time. (STARTS MOTOR) If you're going after Stonebanks we might wanna talk about financials now. Normally, it's just 10%, but I figure with Stonebanks in the equation I might wanna get my fee... -Well, possibly now. -Right. I mean, not that you're not good for it. Just if you don't mind. I don't mind. Sounds like you don't have too much faith in me. I don't. (CHUCKLES) (STARTS ENGINE) DRUMMER: How was your vacation? -Ready to go to work? -Did you find him yet? He's in Bucharest putting together a deal with some Albanian mobster. You got 36 hours. That's your window. After that, he's back off the grid. Satellite map. Coordinates for where he'll be. Interesting guy, your friend Stonebanks. You're not gonna like this, but they want him alive. Are you kidding me? They wanna try him at the Hague for war crimes. You're gonna give this guy a chance in court? It's not my decision. No, it never is. -That's the way it's gotta be. -Right. The agency's got a local safe house. You're gonna need it. Don't trash the place. DRAMATIC MUSIC -Heard you got a job. -That's right. -Who the hell are they? -They're with me. But we're not? Remember, I told you everything I had to tell you back at the bar. And stop drinking so much. You wanna get yourself killed with those youngsters? Do us all a favour and get the hell outta here. BARNEY: Wheels up in 10. Come on. (MUTTERS) If your guys wanted to fight why didn't they just get married? You're seriously smoking next to aviation fuel? (SNIFFS) Amateur. Amateur assholes. Who are you calling asshole, Grandpa? Grandpa's about to crush your windpipe. What's this? Your toy, boy? -You wanna dance, big guy? -SMILEE: Hey! It's just a job. Come on. Let's go. MARS: Bunch of has-beens still trying to be hard. You're young, and you're dumb. Jing-a-ling, jing-a-ling. Keep it. You're gonna need it. I never thought you would call in that favour. Don't look so happy about it. Got a minute? What do you need? Tell me more about this guy we're going after. Doesn't matter. You were hired to do a job. How about answering why we're doing this job? I owe you a salary. That's it. Why are we going after Stonebanks? You have a hard time taking orders, don't you? If I don't know what they are, yeah. I know you don't give a damn about us. I get that. But just tell me why you wanna take out this guy so bad. UNEASY MUSIC 1 # The whole world's sitting on a ticking bomb # The whole world's sitting on a ticking bomb # So keep your calm and carry on... # (GUNSHOTS) # The whole world's sitting on a ticking bomb # The sun may never rise again # The question ain't if but when # The sea will mourn and the sky will fall # The sun may never rise again # A silent war has begun # We're staring down a loaded gun # No refuge found, no solid ground # This human race can't be won # Don't wait to say goodbye # You're running out of time # Whatever you believe, it's easy to see # The whole world's sitting on a ticking bomb # And it's about to explode! # -30 seconds to drop! -BARNEY: Copy that. -(ALARM BLARES) -Let's go. I can take care of myself. TRENCH ON RADIO: 20 seconds to drop. 10 seconds. Whoo! This is tight! (WOMEN CHATTER IN LOCAL LANGUAGE) (CHILDREN YELL AND SHOUT) We're on. This guy's got more muscle than a cartel king. Maybe he's overcompensating for something. What you drinking there, Barney? A vanilla latte or something? -Stay sharp. -Luna, move. (WOMAN CHATTERS ANGRILY) You promised this wouldn't happen again! -Move the car. -WOMAN: I'm talking to you! (TYRES SCREECH) (BRAKES SQUEAL) Bufon! -Nice driving, Mars. -Good performance. Yeah, too good. Any closer and I'd beat his ass. -I believe her. -We got him. MARS: Man, this guy's protected better than the president. THORN: Yeah, and his crib's like a five-star fortress. That's why we're not taking him there. The hotel is full of guests. -So where do we hit him? -At the meet. We hit him from all four sides, hit him hard. (CLEARS THROAT) OK. Um, so our plan is to what? Kick down the door, start spraying bullets? It's a great plan... if it was 1985. What is that supposed to mean? You heard me. -You got a better plan? -Much better. -Let's hear it. -Thorn, you're up. Oh, uh, OK, I'm the plan. -Um... (CLEARS THROAT) -This ought to be good. First I hack the security grid main server. Boom! Bypass motion-detector lasers and biometric censors. Pow! Override the surveillance video and CCTV systems. Ba-bam! And we are in. It's child's play. -Just like that? -Just like that. -Just like that. -Exactly like that. You'd better be right. Ba-bam! -Ba-bam. -Let's go! (KEYBOARD CLICKS) So why did you let your team go? If you stick around long enough you're gonna buy it. It was time. They didn't seem too happy about it. If you're looking to go the family route,... it's the wrong job for you. There are different kinds of family. And when my life is on the line, it's my family fighting with me. You know what I mean. Yeah, I know what you mean. Right on time. -Ladies first. -Go ahead, then, Thorn. Will you shut up and get in the sewer? (EXHALES) OK. And, ladies and gentlemen, we officially have eyes in the sky. -Copy that. Let's do this. -Thought you'd never ask. (DEVICE BEEPS AND CLICKS) THORN ON RADIO: Good to go. Good luck, boys. -Whoa! Shit. -BARNEY: What's the problem? The buyer. They're early. The threat just doubled. (MEN CHATTER QUIETLY) You're early. What do you think? Eh, it's OK. -(SILENCED GUNSHOTS) -(MEN GRUNT) When Cain slew his brother, God banished him from civilisation, but before that he placed a mark on him ` not as a felon's brand, but to protect him from roving hunters. (GRUNTS) Customs does not X-ray artwork. -It ruins the oils. -Very good. -There you have it. -(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -A pleasure. -As always. Can you access... nuclear weapons? (SILENCED GUNSHOTS) I might. But generally I find people are a little too emotional for ownership, and I'd hate you killing all my other customers by accident or on purpose. In position. -In position. -Set. I pay you what you want. Let me think about it. We're on. (ALARMS BLARE) (MEN SHOUT) Stonebanks is moving. Watch it. -Oh, like little mice. -(DEVICE BEEPS) -(DEVICE BEEPS) -Try again. -Open sesame. -(DEVICE BEEPS) Go, go, go! -Move! -Not yet! I'll stand guard. (MEN SHOUT ORDERS) -(DEVICE BEEPS) -THORN: Luna, go. -Oh! -(GRUNTS) Barney Ross says hello. Are you sick of feeling sick? Ever find it hard remembering last night? Are your loved ones over your drinking? If you're answering 'yeah' a bit too much, maybe we can help you say 'nah'. 1 Nice job. Trench, you copy? I'm waiting. -Package secured. -TRENCH: Hurry up. It's boring. (MURMURS) (GROANS) Why don't you put a bullet in his head and be done with it? -Hah! -Hey! Hey! Hey! You said we were taking him out. Whoa-ho! Oh, good morning! Huh, huh! Are these your students? Hey, kids, what did you learn tonight, huh? What happened to the old crew? Oh, that's right. They stuck their noses into other people's worlds and got fatally injured. Now they're the Deletables. Hey, you hear that, kids? Take note, cos that's what you're doing right now. Can we shut his mouth? You're talking pretty tough to a guy who's incapacitated, -which is good for you. -Is it? Why don't you cut me loose? I'll open your meat shirt and show you your own heart. Hey, Barn. Why don't the two of us just end this? What do you say? Mix it up? Either you snapping my spine or me snapping yours? -You know, make it snappy. -(SCOFFS) He thinks I'm joking. I'm not joking. You should see me when I'm angry. You'd be very impressed, then very dead. So, come on, pal. Anything you wanna get off your chest? Come on. Lay it out. I'm a good listener. You gonna take me back to the has-been crew, carve me up around the fire? Very tribal. When we stop, I'm gonna break every bone in your body and drop what's left at the Hague. The Hague! Well, I finally made the big time. I'm a war criminal. -Keep laughing. -(CHUCKLES) Do you think that you could just deliver me, like, a package? We were close once. See, we started this whole Expendables thing together. See? Look. I've got the marks. Oh, a bit faded, but we had a falling-out. You went dark. It's a dark business, Barney. Don't pretend you're not in it. The baddest survive. Those are the rules. I didn't make 'em up. You see, Barney here was content to work for the small-end money as an employee. Now, being boss is more lucrative, but that's a concept that somehow eluded you. Plus, you got that pesky moral conscience. God, that stuff gets in the way. He thinks he's the good guy. -Keep talking while you can. -Sure. You got a conscience, and that makes you weak. Success, real success, is being willing to do the things that other people are not. -Not everyone's as sick as you. -Oh, but you are. Did you kill anyone today, Barn? Blow any shit up? How about you, kids? Kill anyone? Before you all start grabbing bricks to stone me at the Hague, you might wanna check your own hands for blood. (SIGHS) But I digress. Where was I? Yes ` business is booming, right? A chopper here, a missile there, guns, whatever, when suddenly a competitor ` if you can call Uncle Sam a competitor ` hires my own team, Barney and the whole gang, to whack me. Things got ugly real fast and a lot of people got dead. -Three former brothers-in-arms. -Shut your mouth. Three Expendables, our brothers, men we ate with, fought with, bled with ` dead. He puts three slugs into my chest. Thank God for body armour. Even I thought I was dead. Then he boogies out with the casualties, all dead because you couldn't stay out of my business! -Shut your mouth! -Barney! Barney! Go on! Do it! Go on! THORN: What do you want? (STONEBANKS CHUCKLES) Oh, it's hard to fathom. -I can't believe you forgot. -What? That's it's hard to beat an enemy when he's living inside your own head. See, you tie me up like an animal, lead me to the slaughter, you humiliate me, disgrace me. Now, when the time comes to kill you ` and I will ` I will not use a weapon. I will use my hands, because I want you to feel the way that I feel right now. Jesus. We were brothers. -Oh! -Hey! Hey! -(ALL GRUNT) -(DEVICE BEEPS) -What's that? -THORN: It's a GPS tracker! -What? -GPS tracker! How about that, huh? (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) (GROANS) (GROANS) Hold it! We may need 'em. I need a body. Find him. (CONVERSATION IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(MEN LAUGH) (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (SIGHS) What happened? We found a shit storm. It's gonna get worse. This came in for you 10 minutes ago. CONRAD: Hey, Barney! My search party's dead, so I'm thinking that you're still with us. You should've killed me while you had the chance, because that's your last window ` it's gone. Now, I got something to show you. We got Harpo, Groucho, Gummo and Chica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, give her a little squeeze there, Krug. She's so pretty. Personally, I'd chalk it up to collateral damage, and I don't give a fuck, but I know you. 48 hours and they're gone for good. You want 'em, come get 'em. What are you gonna do? (GROANS) (CONRAD SIGHS) Well, we're looking a little strung-out there, kids. And this is what you get for being pawns in Barney's moral chess game. That one looks a little slack. (GROANS) You know, I feel most bad for you. I don't give a shit how you feel. I do. I have a daughter. I have feelings. Anyway. You know, when the CIA` I presume that's who you're working for. The CIA. Am I right? I bet you don't even know who you're working for. What, for Barney? Do you know who he's working for? Does he know who he's working`? It gets very confusing. Anyway, when the CIA wanted guys doing the dangerous work in the dangerous places, they called us. When they didn't want to get their hands dirty, they called us. Yep. We cleared every hot spot they had. We bumped the bad guys so that the good guys could roll in looking like heroes. We killed a lot. But we saved more lives than you can possibly imagine. Then... the boys on the Hill, wanting no loose ends, tried to bury me. I was an American, working for America. Was. They'd eat their own children. The lesson here is... never do business with the government. But I'm gonna save you that heartache. You never will. 1 So you're getting your old team. No, I burned that bridge. You know, your pride is gonna get you killed. -Better me than them. -So you're really gonna go back? -Yeah. -Alone? Yeah. You're an idiot. Thanks for showing up. I guess our favours are done. But you're still an idiot! How the hell did you find me? People talk, and I hear things. You got a mission. I can help. My name is, uh, Galgo. Let me fill you in. I am good, very good, at warfare. You know, with memory. Afraid of nothing. -I want to be your friend. -I don't need a friend. Yes, you do. Everybody does. I don't have any friends. That's why I know. But besides my, uh, friendship issues, what I really need now is something to do. Well, not just anything, but... what I was born to do. That's bad. This is a one-way trip. Excuse me, sir, but... one-way trip is better than no way. Which is the way I live now. Help me with the crate. Sir. -On the plane, Gogo. -On the plane. Yes, sir. Gogo? No, no Gogo. Galgo. Galgo. Gogo sounds like a Parisian hooker. (LAUGHS) (SPANISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGS IN SPANISH) "I am the bridegroom of death." Those are the lyrics of a Spanish Legion old song that we used to sing when we were on a mission in Croatia. You know. That's where I met Mingo, yeah. The best point man ever. Some kind of, uh, savant. You know, no ambush this guy couldn't sniff. And under fire? The coolest cat ever. Just pure ice in his veins. We were pinned down once, like, two bullets left. I looked over. Not one bead of sweat. He was cool. Yeah. Can I help you up there? -You're a mechanic now? -Of course I am a mechanic. I am whatever you need me to be, sir. -OK. Then just be quiet. -Uh, yes, sir. Tiger, this sniper I knew ` I mean, this guy got it all figured out. Wind speed, temperature, shit, barometric pressure. (BABBLES) But do you know what he said was the most important? -No. -Patience. -Really? -Yeah. He said that. This thing smells good. What is that? Is it kerosene? -Gasoline? What is that? -Aviation fuel. Aviation fuel. Good. It's good. (INHALES) The best team member ever. His name was Torres. Holy shit. You wouldn't believe what this guy was capable to do. Unbelievable. I'm telling you. -Galgo. -Yes, sir. I think I know why your team let you go. You do? Really? Yes! Last chance. You sure you want to do this? -I like travelling. -Good. -Uh,... who are those guys? -My old team. What the hell are you doing here? You were stupid enough to get yourself into this mess! We're the only ones crazy enough to get you out of it! Come on! We're late for a war! Galgo, you might want to get out of that seat. -Christmas is coming. -But it's June. -Galgo, get the hell out. -Yes, sir. My hat and gloves. Wow. -I'm curious. -What? Since when did suicide become your hobby? I got a will. You know, I'm probably the only friend you've got. I got lots of friends. You walk into a room, people jump under tables. I missed you, Christmas. I missed you too, you demented bastard. You could have left the 'demented' out. This is a kind of a solid structure that is taking us from one place to another to unbelievable speeds. Think about it! If-If-If God` If God... if he would have liked us, you know, flying, he would have give us feathers. Do you have feathers? Do you have feathers? Do you have feathers? I don't have feathers. So... This is gonna be a long-ass flight, fellas. It's going to be. It's going to be a long flight. But don't worry. I'm here, man, because I can't sleep on planes. -(PHONE RINGS) -Yeah. DRUMMER: Thought you should know, Barney, you're walking into a shit storm. NSA ran a signals and frequency check on your team's phones. This bastard's not even trying to hide 'em. -Where's he taken 'em? -They're in Azmenistan. -Another honeymoon hot spot. -Who is that? -Lee Christmas. -Not far off, Christmas. DRUMMER: Stonebanks's compound is where he trains his goons. -It's very heavily fortified. -What's up with the local army? I don't understand a word this guy is saying. -Local army status. -Small. Corrupt. Stonebanks got all the brass in his pocket. He's been running his operations through this shithole of a country for years. -DRUMMER: Want some advice? -What's the advice? -What goddamn language is that? -I don't understand you either. -Look who's talking. -What's the advice, Drummer? Forget about what you're thinking. Remember our deal. We need him alive. So he can sit in a courtroom and beat this on a technicality? Those are orders, Barney. -(PHONE CLATTERS) -You broke the phone. I got another one. Think we'll make it back from this one? You didn't have to come along, Christmas. Sure I did. Morons need friends. Gentlemen, change of plans. (HORNS HONK) This is it? This is your evac team? -Short notice. -Yeah. Very short. Where's your team, Major Drummer? No team. This one's off the books. I'm not even here. Well, nobody's here. I thought Church was asshole. 1 Yeah. Hysterical is strength. Weird. Yes, sir. Weird concept. I mean, if you are hysterically strong, you don't even have to go to the gym. You are just strong. You just got it. You just got it. But hysterical is a concept that actually` actually was applied to women in the 19th century. It's an interesting concept, you know what I mean? Wow. This is an interesting place. -He gave me a migraine. -I hear that. -GALGO: Don't you think? -DOC: Look on the bright side. We run out of bullets, he can talk 'em to death. Roger that. -Tall one doesn't like me. -He doesn't like anybody. -Yeah. -What'd you say? He likes you. -What the hell is that? -What? That computer strapped to your wrist. Nothing. The same thing you were busting that kid's balls about? No, I had it for a while now. (SCOFFS) BARNEY: Why'd your team let you go? Why does it matter now? I want to know who I'm working with. Well, they` they are not around anymore. So... Listen, um... So why'd they let you go? They didn't. (SIGHS) Benghazi. I was not in the army anymore, and we were... retrieving a hostage, something like, uh` like we are doing here. And, uh... (CHUCKLES) It was a... (CLEARS THROAT) beautiful day, no problems, and then it all went bad. We got hit, cut off. Waited for support. No one came. And, uh,... everybody died. Except me. Mingo, Torres and Tiger, right? You were listening. Yeah, I was listening. Thank you. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC So, what do you think? I think we should get this over with. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Four signals. Eight storeys up. This is way too wrong. Sally don't like it. You know he's got eyes on us now. May I suggest something? -No. -No, later. GALGO: That's what I thought. It's fine. Go! ACTION MUSIC (BEEPING) BARNEY: Break it. BARNEY: Shit. GUNNER: What the hell? I knew it. CONRAD: Hey, Barn. I knew you couldn't stay away. But I'm relieved that someone could pick up the kids. You got 'em in there. Now try getting 'em out. But unfortunately for you, the entire complex has been wired with C-4. It'd take a regular Joe, what, 90 seconds to get out of there. You've got... how about 45? (BEEPING) He's turned this whole place into a bomb. Maybe not. Hey! 9% battery power? You didn't charge it? Uh, excuse me, but what are you doing? Just running some code. Should be able to jam the signal. -Why didn't you think of that? -I use it to check the weather. Will you just shut up and let him do his thing?! -Sure you can do this, Thorn? -I can do it. I can do it. (HUMS) -Come on, man. Come on, come on. -Come on, dude. -Come on, come on. -Come on. -Come on! -Come on, Thorn. -Give me a second. Source is in. -You can do it. Come on, Thorn. -MAN: Come on, come on. -BARNEY: Focus. Focus. -Got it! -(SIGHS) We've lost override. The signal is jammed. Send 'em in. Barney, he battery's at 8%. When this thing dies, we lose override. That gives us about 25 minutes tops. Don't pop the bottles yet. Still got trouble. -What? -Big trouble. CONRAD: Lucky again, bro, but try to enjoy the view, because, shortly, the building you're currently standing in will be surrounded by the Azmenistan army. Shit. How'd you shitheads manage to get captured anyway? -(ALL YELL AND ARGUE) -(WHISTLING) -Hey! (FIRES GUN) -Step back! It's not an accident that we're trapped in here! This is exactly what he knew would happen ` us, tearing at each other. It stops now! We can do this. But only if we do this together. If we work as a team, we just may get out of this alive. (LAUGHS) Now, do you want to make it work? That simple. -You got any weapons? -BARNEY: Here's the plan. We're gonna break up into small groups and go out through the ground floor. Get ready! Come on. Thorn, you're still with me. -You take Galgo. -I don't want to. -What? What? -Shh! Quiet. Don't stop! One there. One there. -There's too many! -They're on our flank! Bring it to 'em! Bring it! Enough's enough. Light 'em up. Incoming! (WHOOSHING) BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Up the shaft, Thorn. You gotta protect that signal jammer. BOOM! BOOM! I thought you could fight! Oh! Whoa! (PANTS) CRASH! -Jesus! You OK? -God! I'm totally fine! I love this! -Good. Keep moving. BOOM! -(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) -(YELLS) (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) 1 (GROANS) Relax. I told you you'd give yourself a stroke. -Drummer? -You got a tank problem, pal. -Do something about it. -I'm on it. Trench, on your right. That's gotta hurt. Drummer's in the house. (MEN SCREAM) Hey! Look! Let's go! Time to pick up the tempo, boys. Look out for the chopper! Not good. Hold on! This is not happening. You wanna do something? (CRACK!) Pull me down! Pull me`! Oh, shit. Hi, there. Closer. Closer. Yang, hit something! Next! Your name is Luna, right? 'Luna' means, uh, 'moon'. Hypnotic, mysterious, magical, like yourself. Would you like to hold my gun? Vamonos, chica. (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (GUNSHOTS) Come on! Drive this thing! (CHEERS) This one's for Caesar, assholes! BOOM! -Yeah! -Damn, that's cool! MEN GRUNT It was all under control. That's what it looked like. (GRUNTS) Come on! This is the happiest moment of my life! Jing-a-ling, jing-a-ling. (ROARS) You finished yet? BOTH GRUNT BOTH GRUNT Men! -You're not gonna believe this. -Oh, God. I've been thinking about you the whole time. -During the whole fight! -Can we just go? Come on! Hold on! Where did you learn how to fly? Trench, you're on. (LAUGHS) Barney! We got reinforcements! Shit. Drummer! There's another wave coming. The only way out is up. On my way! Evac in five! Got it! Everybody get to the roof now! Got it. Trench, Yang! Come on, clear the roof! Let's go! -Always this easy? -Pretty much. How hard can it be to kill 10 men? You think you could even just wound a couple? Watch closely. And again? Anybody else? Useless bunches of... If you want something done right... (STARTS ENGINE) They got valet parking here? Yeah, there's some right here! Go, go, go! Don't stop! Come on, guys, move it! -Drummer, we're pinned down! -Stop mumbling. Good morning! Let's get to the chopper! Let's go! Go, go, go, go, go! Go, move, go, go! Gotta go, gotta go! -Yang! -You're welcome. -You're working for Trench? -Yeah. He pay me more money. Who the hell are you? I'm the guy that just saved your ass. (SHOUTS RAPID SPANISH) Battery's at 2%. STONEBANKS: Hey, Barney, leaving so soon? Come on, let's finish it. (SCREAMS) How ya feelin'? Come on, stand up. You'll feel better. Barney, where are you? Lose the armour. I want you to feel this. Barney, we gotta go! And don't even think about going for that piece of garbage in the back. Come on. That's it. That's it. (ROARS) Now, we don't need these, do we? Come on. CHRISTMAS: Barney, we've gotta go! BOTH GRUNT -Battery's at 1%! -Come on, Barney! (BREATHES SHARPLY) What about the Hague, huh? I am the Hague. Battery's gone! -Gotta go, gotta go! -No! No, wait! -Wait! -Can't wait! No! -Come on, Barney! -Go! What the hell? You owe me, Barney. -Barney! -Barney! Holy`! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC ALL LAUGH, CHEER Pull me up! You gonna fire us again, Barney? (LAUGHS) Come on! -Can't hear ya, pal! -I'm gonna kill you. MEN LAUGH All right, I'm sorry! Pull me up, you idiots! MAN: Don't pull him up! (LAUGHS) FUNKY MUSIC -To Caesar! -Caesar! ALL: Caesar! Hey! -Yo, Barney. -Yeah. I don't think I'm gonna need this anymore. You want your luck back? -I hope I didn't stretch it. -I think you did stretch it. BOTH LAUGH -Good to have you back, man. -Good to be back. Don't scare us like that anymore, OK? -Hail Caesar! -To me! You never got him to the Hague. You know, Drummer, working with you ain't been so bad. I haven't had so much fun in years. Fun's important. -These guys are nuts. -MAN: Our powers combined... Whoa, was that a 'Captain Planet' reference? ALL LAUGH -I'm fire. -Yeah, you are. -Come on, if you had to be` -Are you calling Captain Planet? -You wanna be a Planeteer. -Whoa! Major old school. -Hey, major badass. -(LAUGHS) I'll drink to that! I am sure I have done enough that I am worth my weight in gold, you know. Am I close? And since I am as crazy as you, uh, I am sure I'll fit in. -Galgo? -Yes, sir? Welcome aboard. Thank God! Because I already spent a fortune on this. You know what I mean? I am so happy! -Barney, thank you. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no hugging, no. -No hugging. No hugging. No hugging. No, no, no, no, no. No hugging. THWACK! Ooh. Best two out of three. -Hey. -Hey. -Just wanted to say thanks. -For what? -For caring. -Oh, come on. Ah, thanks. You know, if you were 30 years younger... -I'd be afraid of you. -(LAUGHS) Here, cheers. Hey, Yang. Looks like you had a growth spurt. Tall people don't live long. So you're working for Trench now. And you, I thought you retired. -I lied. -Good. (BOTH MUTTER, LAUGH) You guys wanna get a room? -We don't need a room, huh? -(BOTH CHUCKLE) So jealous! We came into this thing together, we gonna leave here together. -Absolutely. -Hear me? ALL: Cheers. You know, for a guy that doesn't take orders very well, you did pretty good. Yeah? So when do I take over? Keep drinkin'. Hey, Smilee! Get over here. You did good, kid. # Old man, look at my life # I'm a lot like you were # Old man, look at my life # I'm a lot like you were ALL: # Old man, look at my life # 24 and there's so much more # Live alone in a paradise # That makes me think of two # Love lost, such a cost... # You look like a proud, demented father. You coulda skipped the 'demented' part. It was a compliment. BOTH LAUGH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016