1 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) D-ohh! (SCREAMS) REV LOVEJOY: ...and may we burn in painful and foul-smelling fire for ever and ever. A... Mennnn... ...onite minister will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday. Go in peace. A... (COUGHS) Don't make me come up there. ...men. Whoo-hoo! Ohh... I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze? No. No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you. Hang in there, son. I'm taking us out for our traditional Sunday brunch. Brunch is served. LIPS SMACK LOUDLY I feel guilty coming here every Sunday and never actually buying anything. Why? We're following the rules. If it has a toothpick in it, it's free. LIPS SMACK Ah, this is my kind of aisle-- soy substitute, whiz-less cheese... (GASPS) ...oven-roasted cud. It's packed in its own drool. Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal. How about Alfalfa-Bits? Those suck. I hate this store. But, sweetheart, Mommy... I hate you, too. I want to live with one of my dads. Mmm. So you say this product is known as fudge? Yes, just like it was last week. If you're going to get snippy I'll take my business elsewhere. Cherry Garcia? Yuck. Honey Bono? Desmond Tutti Fruitti? Ech. Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavours. (GRUNTS) Candy Warhol? Xaviar Nougat? Nah. Nothing made of dead guys. What's in the back? (SHIVERS) Hurry up! My hands are getting cold. LISA SNEEZES Oh my goodness; Homer, get her out of there. Ohh! Ugh. Sherbet Hoover? Oh. We've got to get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress. Whoo! (GRUNTS) MAN CLEARS THROAT Those are $8 a pound, sport. Hmm. $8 a pound times say, oh, five pounds. Let's see. How many pounds in a gallon? Oh, I can't afford that. (GASPS) Unless... (SNEEZES) (LAUGHS) I told you I'm a financial genius. I buy an $8 lobster, fatten it into an $80 lobster and eat the profits. Lobsters need salt water. I'm way ahead of you. BART: Dad, the fish. Hold on. I'm still fine-tuning. Eh-eh. Uh-oh! Eh-eh. Perfect. (SNEEZES) Oh, you don't sound so good. We'd better get you some cold medicine. No problem. I picked some up at the store. Ohh. Oh, Homey, you made breakfast. Oh, Homey, you made breakfast. Nothing's too good for my one and only. Eat, eat. You're nothing but skin and bones. Eat, eat. You're nothing but skin and bones. (SNEEZES) (BLOWS NOSE) (BLOWS NOSE) How are you feeling, sweetie? NASALLY: Much better. (SNEEZES) Oh my. You're burning up. I'm going to tell the school you're staying home. I'm afraid I can't allow that. I'm afraid I can't allow that. Lisa... Mom, no, wait! We can make a deal! Mom, no, wait! We can make a deal! You don't have anything I want. Ohh... DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: The ocean abounds with fearsome creatures but none attacks its prey with more fury than the seaweed shark. The struggle is soon over. Oh. You shouldn't be watching the Learning Channel. You need to take it easy. But I'm hardly learning at all. Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze. (SIGHS) (LAUGHS EVILLY) Foolish dingo, you must find and devour the seven crystal babies or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeri-doo! I am so scared (!) All right. I guess you're supposed to go through this stupid door. Hmm. I wonder what's in this glowing barrel. What? Nunchuks? Those aren't even Australian. Oh great. So I'm dead now. Fine. I'm sick of this stupid game anyway. Yes! I am just four power wands away from an antigravity lozenge. Hope I don't run into that weird little troll. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Lisa. No, pause, pause! I brought your homework. We have to read this. The Wind In The Willows? The Wind In The Willows? It's about a toad and a badger and a mole. I drawed on mine. Is this my house? Is this my house? No. You live in a different house. Choo-choo-choo, whoo, whoo! Then I shall rule the down underverse! (LAUGHS EVILLY) We'll see about that, mate. OK, together we weigh 300 pounds. According to my driver's licence, I weigh 140 pounds. That means that you weigh... 160 pounds? Oh-ho! You're doing great. No, no! Yes! That's it! Bite, bite, bite! Yes! That's it! Bite, bite, bite! KNOCK AT DOOR Lisa? Oh, sweetie, you look so much better. Ready to go back to school? Ready to go back to school? Uh, I don't know. (COUGHS) I mean, I could risk it but... I mean, I could risk it but... No, no, you just stay put. Wow. You didn't even feel her forehead. How do I get that kind of credibility? With eight years of scrupulous honesty. With eight years of scrupulous honesty. Eh. It's not worth it. Oh, I really need one more day, Mom. I think the germs are regrouping. For breakfast I'll have coffee, hash browns and a short stack, and would it kill you to heat up the syrup? TYRES SCREECH But I might infect the other kids. That's a risk I'm willing to take. So long! Welcome back, Lisa. I trust you got the homework I assigned. The Wind In The Willows? Ralph brought it over. Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test. (GULPS) Test? TASKMASTER'S VOICE: Game over, mate. Ohh... 1 OK, all right. You can bluff your way through one test. 'Mr Toad has a red blank.' OK, skip that one. 'Mr Blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank.' Oh, I am in deep blank. And the lowest grade in the class... And the lowest grade in the class... She's going to say my name. Lisa Simpson, zero. (GASPS) SKINNER: Lisa? The president of Harvard would like a word with you. Nasty business, that zero. Naturally Harvard's doors are now closed to you but I'll pass your file along to... (SNICKERS) ...Brown. Hmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure, too. (GASPS) No! Not Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown.... Lisa, you're saying brown an awful lot. Are you OK? Well, actually, I do feel a little feverish. Ah. Don't worry about the test. Just get yourself a nice drink of water... and come back and finish the test. (GULPS) I need a miracle. Come on. You owe me. What's up, sis? Bart, shouldn't you be in class? I am. It's a little something I whipped up in shop, mostly latex. What are you doing out here? We've got a test, and I didn't read the book. I'll get a zero for sure, Bart. What do I do? What do I do? Well, if it was me, I'd just take a zero. Uh, but that's not for everyone. There's one other possibility. Hey, I can't go in there. Relax. There's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants. NELSON: Hang on. I'll buzz you in. Buzz! Teacher and subject? Miss Hoover, Wind In The Willows. Hmm-hmm-hmm. Now, here we go. (GASPS) Oh my God. These are the answers to the test. I don't want to cheat. Hey, hey, these are study aids. They're for novelty purposes only. If a few bad apples use them for cheating I can't be held responsible. Forget it. I'd rather get a zero. Good for you, lass. I got me a zero once and my life turned out just fine. Oh! Whoa! That's a nasty clog. Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have you? Keep the change. Come here, you slippery rascals. Good news, my delicious friend. You're going to be a free-range lobster. Come on, boy. Dig in. They'll give you a big, strong thorax. Whoa! Why, you little...! Oh, look at him cower, just like the boy. I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal. (GIGGLES) Ooh, I'm going to get you for that, you little scamp. Here! Take that, Pinchy! (LAUGHS) I graded this morning's test over lunch and most of you did quite well. I got a B. I got a B. No, Ralph. That's an F. I must have spilled some Kahlua. Perfect, Lisa. And you got all the extra-credit questions, even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. I guess I was just on a roll. (GROANS) Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that A+++. Actually, there are four pluses. Actually, there are four pluses. No, that's Drambuie. Mmm. Ooh, so plump and juicy. He's going to boil up nicely. Well, I guess this is it, old pal. This is your big day. The water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. The water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. Uh... Chuck him in. Let's go! In the pot! But, Marge, look at the little guy. He looks like an ordinary... Ow! Feel that, Marge? He likes you. And now, for the main course... steamed Maine cabbages. Pardon me for asking but where the hell's my stupid lobster? We're not eating Mr Pinchy. He's part of the family now. Pinchy, I made you some risotto. KIDS PROTEST What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster. No, but I enjoy the smell. Lobster or no lobster this is still a very special dinner. (HUMS FANFARE) Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses. Mom, where did you get that? It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary. Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr Pinchy? Hmm? I am sick of everyone being so proud of me! That's my girl! Ah, cheer up, Lise. You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win. Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud? Hmm, I suppose, maybe. Uh, no. Sorry, I thought I had it there for a sec. Psst, Lisa, check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz. I'll give you the numerators free but the denominators will cost you. I don't want your dirty denominators. Well, la-dee-da, Lady Cheaterly. Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex? Well, la-dee-da, Lady Cheaterly. Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex? No! I never cheated before and I never will again. I almost wish I hadn't gotten away with it. SKINNER ON PA: Lisa Simpson report to the principal's office to discuss yesterday's test results. We never met. I've just received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A triple plus. To be honest I'm surprised and saddened. Uh, no, not saddened. What's the word? Ah, yes. Delighted. What?! I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's GPA up to the state's minimum standard. We now qualify for a basic assistance grant. It's the greatest honour the school has ever received and it's all thanks to you. Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who... Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who... Stop it! I cheated! Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated! Lisa, what are you trying to say? Lisa, what are you trying to say? I cheated!! (GASPS) You cheated? Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me? Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me? She doesn't know. You're the only one I've told. Well, then... one could make an argument that there really is no problem. But what I did was wrong. Oh, very much so but as long as we handle this in a mature and, above all, quiet manner we'll still get that grant money. (CHUCKLES) You really scared me there. But we can't accept that money. It's tainted. Leave the money out of this. It's not the money's fault you cheated. Besides, I've already started spending it. Check out the new scoreboard. FANFARE PLAYS I'm still learning all the buttons. If you're going to cover this up I'll just have to go over your head to... BUZZER SOUNDS BUZZER SOUNDS Superintendent... BUZZER SOUNDS BUZZER SOUNDS Chalmers! BUZZER SOUNDS Chalmers! EXPLOSION Skinner! I am outraged that you've kept this from me. You were supposed to call as soon as the scoreboard was in. Does it play that song Charge? Does it play that song Charge? Does it ever! You can't keep this scoreboard because there's not going to be any grant money because I cheated! Lisa, let's take a walk. A little travelling music, Seymour. A little travelling music, Seymour. STADIUM ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS Good Lord, what a dump. It's not surprising this school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of Missouri. That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick. That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick. Look around, Lisa. That grant money could do a lot of good. Don't you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball? Ow! We could buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of bolgnium? Delicious? Correct. I would also accept 'snacktacular.' And for the first time ever our computer lab actually has a computer in it. Hi, Lisa. Hi, SuperNintendo Chalmers. Meow. I'm learnding. I'm learnding. Ah, way to go, Ralph. You can't beat a Coleco. How many can I put you down for? Please say a lot. I need this. I don't know. I'm not even sure we can keep this one. It's up to Lisa. What do you say, Lisa? Will you keep our little secret for the good of your classmates and your school? Let's not forget old Gil, huh? The wolf's at old Gil's door. Uh... I guess I don't have much choice. Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos will rust up on you like that. Shut up, Gil. Close the deal, close the deal. Relax, boy. We're not going to cook you. Enjoy your day at the beach. Ooh, look. Here's a little playmate for you. Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab. What's wrong with you? Aar, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him. Don't look at me. I wanted to eat him. Sorry. It's usually the mother. You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one. We stress tough love. Daily chores and the like. Daily chores and the like. No. We're not sending the lobster away to some snobby boarding school. I understand. It's hard to let go. Tell me this then. Do you have any spare change? And now to present the grant money a legendary figure in educational disbursement State Comptroller Atkins. Whoo! Thank you. I'm here tonight to honour the girl whose unprecedented test score has set a new standard in excellence. Lisa? Lisa? APPLAUSE Thank you. I know this giant cheque is very important to everyone here. But what's even more important is the truth. But what's even more important is the truth. ALL MUTTER Because, after all, education is the search for truth. Because, after all, education is the search for truth. No. No, it isn't. Don't listen to her. She's out of her mind. The truth is, we don't deserve this grant and I don't deserve your applause. I cheated on that test. I cheated on that test. AUDIENCE GASPS AND BOOS Wait. How dare you condemn this girl? Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated on your wives or your husbands? ALL MUTTER What she just did took courage and where I come from--Canada--we reward courage. So I hereby decree that you keep the grant and let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class. But, Mom... The highest grade. OK, Lisa's gone. Places, people. Oh man, acting is tough. I'll be in my trailer. Ah, good old predictable Lisa. I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb. Heads up. Here comes the real comptroller. This grant ensures light bulbs in every classroom and high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge. Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible? Where's Lisa Simpson? Come on up, Lisa. How about that? Smart and modest. Well, I should be going now. These giant cheques don't hand themselves out. OK, people, let's have a round of applause for the real comptroller. APPLAUSE Hmm? ASIDE: Idiot. I know a liquor store where we can cash this right now. That's one grade I truly earned. Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor? Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. Don't worry. I put him in a nice, hot bath. Hey, what smells so good? Hey, what smells so good? Yeah... Pinchy? Pinchy?! Oh, PINCHY!! HOMER SOBS (WAILS) Oh man, that's good. Pass the butter. Are you going to eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy. No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh God, that's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this. Oh, Pinchy. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016