BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) HORN HONKS (SCREAMS) This ghost town is going to be great. 'Now with 30% more gunfights.' And '40% more rootin' tootin'.' And 'The tumbleweeds tumble at 2, 4 and 6, plus a midnight tumbling on weekends.' It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie. Come on, kids, three cheers for your father. Hip-hip... Mom, don't. Hip-hip... We heard you the first time. Hip-hip... Hey, I'm trying to drive here. BEEPING Hey, Dad, that light says 'Check engine.' Uh-oh. Tape must have fallen off. There. Problem solved. CAR BACKFIRES Oh, brother! Relax. She just needs a little loving. ENGINE GRINDS (GASPS AND SCREAMS) Ah, they remembered my birthday. Come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you. Start! # Happy birthday to me. # Happy birthday to me. # (SCREAMS) (GROANS) (SHRIEKS) Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Because they discovered gold right over there. It's because they're stupid; that's why. That's why everybody does everything. But there was more to the Old West than just sex, folks, a lot more. If you look off to your left you'll see a real Old West hitching post possibly used by bandits possibly during some exciting adventure. possibly during some exciting adventure. ALL MURMUR And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits. CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK That's a keeper. Uh, yes, sir? Do we have to listen to you? Well... no, you don't, but if you have any interest in history... Well... no, you don't, but if you have any interest in history... I'm done. BART: Wow. Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here. First of all, I'm not a robot, and second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see. One, two, three... six whiskeys. All right. We only serve sarsaparilla, mac-- no alcohol. Oh. You can get drunk when we get home. Duh. SPEAKS MECHANICALLY: Hey, these cards are marked. Now look what you've done. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. Let's forget this whole thing happened. What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody! (SCREAMS) What is it with you and robots? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) SALOON MUSIC PLAYS Ooh, hello, sweet cheeks. SMACKING SOUND Look who's a little cowgirl. Hey, Mom, look what I got. Oh, that's cute. (CHUCKLES) Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No that security guard is handing them out. (CLEARS THROAT) SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS LAMELY: Uh-oh. Better run for cover, pardners. Some varmints are havin' a shoot-out. Yee-haw! Missed me! Die, yellow belly. GLASS SHATTERS SLURS: Which way's the gunfight? CROWD LAUGHS There's old Curly. He played the town preacher until we laid him off but he still hangs around. Help me, please. I'm sick. (LAUGHS) Homer... Homer... But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick. (GROANS) (GULPS) Ah! Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood. You like it, huh? You like it, huh? Up yours! Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? WHINES: We've got to get home. I don't want to miss Inside The Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F Murray Abraham. But I really need to... F.... Murray... Abraham. HOMER WHISTLES (WHIMPERS) There's a rest area. Pull over. Can't stop now. We're making great time. GRANDPA MOANS Can I go behind a tree? What are you, an animal? HOMER: Whoever keeps saying 'Please stop' back there, better quit it. GRANDPA GROANS HOMER: Wow, get a load of that toilet. Please go back. You can make it my birthday present. We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. But I might explode. You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad. Oh dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded. There's nothing left. Oh no. Yep, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things-- beautiful in its way. Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual check-up. Excuse me, Doctor. I think I know a little something about medicine. Homer, with all due respect, this X-ray reveals a textbook kidney blow-out-- which would explain those loud pops you heard. So... you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good. Maybe I ought to eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Ohh... How long do I have to live, Doc? (CHUCKLES) I'm amazed you're alive now. Oh, I blame myself for this. We all blame you. Come on, Doc, there's got to be something I can do to help my dad. Well, you could give him a kidney. A kidney? OK, fine. You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long and... You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long and... I said fine! What is it about the word 'sure' you don't understand? Oh, thank you, son. Mmm. I'll take the left one. It's good and springy, though the right one's not without its charms. Pork chops, sloppy Joes, hot dogs and pork chops. Well, Dr Hibbert said you have to build up your strength. Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous man like you. That's what I always thought, but somehow... Check it out, Dad. I rented all your favourite gorilla movies-- Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island Six,... (GASPS) Apes-A-Poppin'. Ooh, the airline version. Can I fluff your pillow? Nothing's too good for me. Ah, I'm the luckiest man in the world now that Lou Gehrig's dead. Well, I got to hand it to you, Homer. You're really brave to go through with this operation. It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure. No, no, no... making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly, life-threatening surgery here. Really? You think it's dangerous? Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation... Procedure, deadly procedure. Whatever. The point is with only one kidney you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more. Now you're just trying to scare me. Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you. But I don't want that. Listen, I'm just going to get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable. Yeah, I guess. And, uh, are those your original lips? Well, actually I... Hey, quit harvesting me with your eyes. Oh yeah, that would look so good on me. Marge... I've been thinking. What if instead of donating one of my old, worn-out kidneys I gave Grandpa that artificial kidney I invented? Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it. Oh, but I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body. Why didn't somebody tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine. Oh, I know you're scared, Homie, but remember why you're doing this. It's for your father the man who raised you and nurtured you. 'Jack and Jill went up the hill...' and... 'Jill came tumbling after.' The end. Goodnight. Is that the same Jack from Jack And The Beanstalk? You know, son, I believe it is. And Jack Sprat-- is that him, too? Sure, why not? Goodnight. Is he the same as Jack Be Nimble and Jack Frost and Little Jack Horner? Say, how about a little Nyquil? All gone. Oh, I love you, son. I owe Dad so much. Those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word. Well, giving him a kidney is a wonderful way to show him how you feel. You're right, Marge. I'll do it, but if I die during the operation will you do one thing for me? Oh, anything, sweetheart. Blow up the hospital. Hmm. Well... I said I'd do it so I guess I'll have to. That's my girl. PA: Doc Martens to podiatry. Liability waiver? Don't read it; just sign it. Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here... I don't usually sign stuff like that. It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence. It's a standard form. Oh... BEEPING I love you, son. I love you, Dad. Now, don't you fellas worry. This will all be over soon. And... what the...? We got to get rid of that window. Where'd he go? (GRUNTS) I can't imagine Dad running away like this, leaving his father to die? Even I wouldn't do that, and I'm America's bad boy. It's a heart-breaking situation. (CHUCKLES SADLY) Am I dead yet? No. How about now? No. Now? I'll tell you when you're dead, Grandpa. Thank you. (GRUNTS) I'm not worthy to live among civilised people. Even those guys look too civilised for me. GULL CAWS (GASPS) I could live at sea. The sea forgives all-- not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much. ALL GROAN Hmm. The sea won't stand for this. Uh, excuse me. I'm fleeing in shame, and I'd like to look my best. Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate. Well, if you look closely you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship. Oh, I like taffy, but I don't deserve taffy. (SNORES) Hey, hey! What the...?! Krusty here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's last-laugh programme. Last laugh? So, how about that hospital food, huh? I wouldn't know. I'm not allowed to eat. OK, well, let's have a look at the old chart. Oh boy, ooh! Looks like we're both short on time. So I'll go to the big finish. # You are so beautiful # to me! # Feel better. Come back, Doctor. WHISTLE BLOWS A tramp steamer, that's perfect. (PANTS) (GRUNTS) I'd like to apply for a job-- any job. If you don't have a captain, I could be that. Argh. What other ships have you been on? I've been on that one, the taffy shop. Argh. Good enough. (GRUNTS) Welcome aboard... the Ship Of Lost Souls. The name on the back says Honeybunch. Arr. I've been meaning to paint over that. Now, come and meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're... lost souls? Well, actually, you did. Argh... FRENCH ACCENT: Ah, another lost soul has joined our world-weary ensemble. Hey, who are you guys? (LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY) Who are we? No one. Where are we sailing? Nowhere. Do we even exist? Who knows? Hey, let me off this thing. Oh, don't listen to him. We exist all right. Whew! We wander the seven seas, trying to forget. Forget what? Oh boy, here we go. My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story. My story's better; it has tigers. I was born into wretched poverty. So one day I stole a loaf of bread, put it in the freezer until it was very hard then robbed a bank with it. (GASPS) And when Mr Dinkley saw what I had done, I was banned from the car wash for ever. For ever? How awful. I would have killed Dinkley for that. As you can see we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers. Come, stranger-- join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui. Well, back on land, my name was Homer Simpson and I guess it is here, too. I promised my dad one of my kidneys but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed. Good Lord. Oh, how could you? I think I'm going to be sick. I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you...! You disgust even me. Well, yeah, I know but... (SCREAMS) WHISTLE BLOWS That's the last time I trust the strangest people on earth. (SPITS AND COUGHS) Even the sea won't forgive me. That's the best sand castle we've ever built, Dad. We make a great team, son. Oh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father... or my kids. Well, I guess it's up to me to take the first step. (SOBS) Hey! All right, this is it-- no more living in shame. I'm going to show my family the kind of man I really am. (WHIMPERS) All right, I'm going to... (WHIMPERS) (SHRIEKS) BEEPING Aren't you going to give him the last rites? That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance. Dr Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grandpa. Dr Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grandpa. Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now and three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him but he overpowered us. Don't worry about old Grandpa. I'm going to a better place... Shelbyville Hospital. (GRUNTS) Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a goner. HOMER: No, you're not, Dad. Homer! Dad! Son! I'm sorry, Dad. The way I behaved was shameful. I guess fear made me run away... but love made me come back. Bless you, son. I knew you'd come through for me. Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit but... Ah, son of a...! (PANTS AND WHIMPERS) Oh dear. Whew! (SCREAMS) He's waking up. Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right. (GROANS) Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil. I'm sorry I ran off again. Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now. When I get better and after I build those shelves for the kitchen... we'll visit his grave. GRANDPA: Grave, nothing. I never felt more alive. (LAUGHS) Oh boy, I shouldn't have done that. It's a miracle. You recovered. ALL CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY What? What? Hey. While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father. You butcher, give it back! Give me that! (LAUGHS) Come on. # Na, na, na-na.# Don't you dance out that door, you` I'll get my kidney back, old man. You have to sleep sometime. I know you're a little peeved at Grandpa, Dad, but you've done a wonderful thing. Yes, you've shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs. Yeah, I guess you're right. Give me a hug. Ah... I don't need two kidneys. I have everything I need right here. Hmm. Dad, you're tickling me. Yes, tickling... Hmm? Captioned by The Caption Centre WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016