1 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns Casino. Moments from now, the house that Social Security cheques built will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel. This must be heartbreaking for you, sir. I'm just thinking of my employees-- all the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills. Where will they go? They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir. Excellent. Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs,... The Shebangs, and The New Shebangs featuring Big Timmy. Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then, a week later, we just forgot about it. I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Oh, I can explain that. Five. You see... four... three... two... All right! Here comes the implosion. Implosion? But I thought you said... BANG! Hockey pucks...! (LAUGHS) Don Rickles zinged you, Marge. Dust! Eat my dust, dust! TYRES SCREECH THUD! LISA: Dad, we hit Don Rickles! RICKLES: I'm OK. But the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kidding. # I'm a nice guy. # We'd better stop and get the car washed. Ah, what's the rush? Might rain next week. Hey, Homer. Car's kind of dirty. Really? You think I should get it washed? Yeah, maybe. TYRES SCREECH You listen to your friends but you never listen to me. Hey, that's great. All right, young 'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your breeches. Who wants wax? KIDS: Me! I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers particularly this one which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike. No hablo Ingle, Senor. HOOVER BUZZES BOING! Wow, you can't find this stuff anywhere. Seals and Crofts, Pablo Cruise Air Supply... Whoa... Loggins and Oats. And it's free. I've never heard of these bands, Mom. What kind of music do they play? Wuss rock? That's it! REGISTER RINGS $10?! What is this? A car wash for millionaires? Throw hot wax on him, Dad. Howdy, Homer. DING! DING! $5, please. Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price? Senior citizens discount. Pfft! Senior citizen? Flanders?! Well, we'll see about that. ...and once again, tithing is 10% off the top. That's gross income, not net. Please, people, don't force us to audit. ALL MUTTER Now, we're going to pass this around a second time. Brother Ned, if you'll do the honours. I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, 'Saint Flanders' is as crooked as you or me. ALL GASP AND MUTTER That's right... it's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How, you ask? With a phony senior discount card! ALL GASP AND MUTTER That's not quite true. Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash? Well, I did, but... Now, I'm not a fancy big-city lawyer... ALL GASP but it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55. Isn't that so? Well, yes. And you are how old? (SIGHS) I suppose, if you must know, I'm... well, I'm... I'm 60. MAN: He looks terrific. MAN 2: He looks so young. What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? Some kind of electric hat? Holy water? It's holy water, right? Ah! It burns! Listen, folks. There's no magic formula. I just follow the three Cs-- clean living, chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church. ALL SIGH WITH DISAPPOINTMENT And, of course, I resist all the major urges. All of them?! You mean you've never splurged and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake then blamed it on the dog? You never snuck out of church to break into cars? No, no, and double no! I haven't done any of those things, folks. You name it, I haven't done it. Geez, Flanders. You're 60 years old and you haven't lived a day in your life. Yeah. Even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards. ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT Oh, can you believe it? It almost seemed like those folks were-were making fun of old Steady Neddy. Well, you may be a bit cautious but what's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth. Mm-hmm. And some people just steer clear of that whole hornet's nest. I'll stick with just plain white bread thank you very much-- maybe with a... ALL: Glass of water on the side for dippin'! TYRES SCREECH Gosh darn it! Am I that pre-diddley-ictable? I've wasted my whole dang diddley life. CAR STEREO BLARES CAR STEREO BLARES Hey there! Look at that. Everyone's living it up except Ned. Help! We're being carjacked. Don't get clever, old man! Now take us to Dress Barn! BELL RINGS MAUDE: Where have you been, Neddy? In the bathroom. Not trimming my moustache. What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? No. You remind me of Silly Billy Ned Flanders. ALL GIGGLE Would a silly billy sit like this? CRACK! CRACK! Oh! Rod, call Dr Stein. HOMER: All right, Bart! Fire in the hole! (LAUGHS) OK, no more gasoline. Full power! Never a dull moment, huh, Homer? You got that right. Throw on the mesquite, Bart! Mesquite it is! Here, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the old membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun. Well, well, well. So Flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky-pants Simpson. Yeah, I guess I do. Welly, welly, welly... Mr Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee. How about it, Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? Wellity, wellity, wellity... Stop that! Will you help me or not?! CAN CLANKS CAN CLANKS Let's do it. THUD! THUD! HOMER GROANS So, what about all this meat? HOMER: Ah, the missus will clean that up. Now it's Marge's time to shine! First of all, I get $5 a day plus expenses. Seems fair. And I'll need your signature here... here... and... initial here. Ha... you're not really giving my father power of attorney, are you? Of course I... (GASPS) Oh, my stars! I can't do that! Well, that's unfortunate. It really is. (SIGHS) All right. Congratulations. Welcome to the Homer Simpson Programme. So, what happens next? One day soon, I will come for you... and then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it. Or whatever's good for you. I don't care. OK, Homer... I'm ready to learn. What's the first lesson? Just give me the topic sentence. Give me that! That's your problem. You're living up here! You got to live down here... in the impulse zone! If you want to be like me you got to make snap decisions. Like this! Like this! TYRES SCREECH We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino! Homer, they blew that up yesterday. HOMER: Oh yeah. Right. Then we're going to Las Vegas! Which is actually back in that direction. # Nobody's gonna take my Ned. # Gonna teach him to have fu-un... # That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Uh, too many kids. Ooh, it's going on 8.30. I'd better call Maude and tell her where I am. Relax. I called her from the gas station. Thanks, buddy. (CHORTLES) SOTTO VOCE: Sucker. Oh, gee, Homer, this all looks so garish. ELEPHANT TRUMPETS, MONKEY SCREECHES Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter X - I-It's all designed to inflame the senses! I'm over-stimulated. I-I've got to get out of this town. I don't think so. I think you'll find escape is quite impossible. No, I got it. JOAN RIVERS: Oh! Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial? (SCREAMS) Help me! My daughter's not talented! Hey! Lance Murdock! If he's not careful his scooter could roll right down that ramp. He's a daredevil, Ned. He laughs at death. Huh! When I want to laugh I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much. ANNOUNCER: And now the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his suicycle over an audience member. And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head. Any volunteers? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pick him, pick him! Now, Homer, no! I want to do something exciting but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that. I could be killed. Fine. I'll do it. Where do you want me? On the 'X.' You mean the one with the red paint? Uh, yeah, paint. Now, it's of critical importance that you don't... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science. Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the... Boring. ANNOUNCER: OK, he's cleared the ring of fire... past the ring of ice... over the dog-doo stick... he's cracked the safe...! Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer! Oh, God, lay down! Lay down! Aaaargh! Clear! DEFIBRILLATOR BUZZES He's all right, folks! CROWD CHEERS Okeydoke, let's hit the tables. My God, Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to rumba. Yeah, I was praying you'd be safe, but t-to be honest, a part of me wanted to see you get splattered. Oh, I see someone just had his first taste of bloodlust. Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is July 15th, same as Lassie's, so Marge must be 50... Oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday? No, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy seven... Seven, eh? DEALER: Seven a winner. Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers? Oh, I got a bunch, Homer, but... I just don't feel right. Oh, Lord, what should I do? DEEP VOICE: Keep gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Righty-o. One betting disk, please. 'One betting disk, please.' Watch and learn. And 14 black. Well, there you go. Now, how about a drink? How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says 'think'? You mean Lisa? Oh, no. I mean common sense. Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol. Write that down. Where the hell's your notebook? You threw it... Never mind. Just pay attention. Slave girl? Oh, slave girl? More libations, my imperial conquerors? What? More booze. Oh, yeah. Two more of these, please. And for you, Ned? I'll have a Shirley... No, a Virgin... No, make it a Children's... Oh! What the heck. You only live once. Give me a... ECHOES: White wine spritzer! SNORING (GROANS) Oh, my goodness, Homer. Wake up. (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Oh! Look at this place. We must've really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing! Welcome to my world. Oh, I did it! I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost living! And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson Programme. The what, now? WOMAN: Well, it's about time you two woke up. Well, of course... (SCREAMS) Who are you?! Who am I? I'm Mrs Ned Flanders. (YELPS) (LAUGHS) Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs Homer Simpson. (SCREAMS) Here comes that vomit again. HOMER: OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK, you're saying that Ned and me married you two? Oh, yeah. We're hitched, all right. Till death do us part. I'm working on that. Ned, no! Think of your wives! Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam or possibly scamola. We would remember if we got married. Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo. Take a look at this. I okeley-dokely- schmokely do! And do you, Homer take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me?! (GROANS) Do you want to get married? Married? IMITATES SINATRA: Sure. Sock it to me, baby! By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit I now pronounce you husbands and wives. We are SO dead. Ladies, we want to do the honourable thing so breakfast is on us with full waffle-bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. (SIGHS DRAMATICALLY) The waffle bar is closed. I'm sorry, I'm so very... Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives. Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us. You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had and we're not giving you up without a fight. But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be. Ginger's my wife. Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offence, sweetie. Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelettes? Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. (IMITATES WHIP CRACKING) (HYPERVENTILATES) What are we going to do, Homer? My kids are going to be traumatised. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude! I don't know, Flanders. Having two wives could have its advantages. Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig chop, chop, dig, dig... You know, Homie, there's so much more two wives could do for you. I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping. BUZZING BUZZING Ooh, a friendly bee! Ow! Ow! That sting hurt so much! We got to get out of this, Ned. Well, do something. This is all your fault. You and your stupid programme. Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the programme. The programme is rock solid. The programme is sound. Oh, those awful women want their omelettes. How are we going to get out of this mess in an honourable and decent...? Oh, nuts! I don't know. Omelettes have a lot of fat in them. Forget it. You're married. Let yourself go. Hey, they're running away! # Bright lights city, gonna set my soul,... # gonna set my soul on fire. # Gotta whole lotta money that's ready to burn... # so get those stakes up higher. # There's a thousand pretty women... # waitin' out there. # They're all livin', the devil may care. # And I'm just a devil with love to spare,.. # so viva Las Vegas. # Viva Las Vegas... # (GROANS) How can a fat guy run so fast? GAMBLER: Hey. (MAKES KISSING SOUND) Come on, baby, show Gil a four! Craps. Oh, no! Why did I bet the company payroll? Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble. Somebody help! Our husbands are trying to ditch us! Someone dishonouring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas. Attention, all employees. We've got two runaways. Stop them. (PANTS) Oh, no! (SNARLS) (SCREAMS) A lion! Drederick Tatum! Your behaviour is` is unconscionable. (SCREAMS) The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white but we decide... Can the poems. It's ass-whupping time. I want fatty. (SCREAMS) PURSUERS MUTTER THREATS What if we switched wives? Would that help? For the last time, no! Hello! Our ticket to freedom! ENGINE STARTS So long, suck...! EVERYBODY YELLS Get out and stay out. Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go some place else. TATUM: Why do you disrespect us? And don't you ever try to marry us again. We found some guys who know how to treat a woman. But Amber, I can change! Will you shut up?! All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts... What's the occasion? Because we love them, jackass. Anyhoo, we come out of Walmart, when suddenly 100 spaceships... Homer! You're right, you're right. 50 spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America. Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? (NED) SIGHS: What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Hello, little birdies. Hello, little birdies. ANGRY SQUAWKING AND YELLING HOMER: Cover your eyes! Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shhh!