. BELL RINGS HOOTER SOUNDS (PLAYS THE BLUES) HORN HONKS Doh! (SCREAMS) Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions edited by Christine Ody. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 CHILDREN CHATTER LOUDLY Hey, hey. Settle down, children. Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works? No one? Ah, yes. Last year. Anyway, look here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill. CHUCKLING: Howdy partners, welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? SKINNER: Bart! Be with you in a minute. This is the lobby where customers come for all their postalistic needs. Legends of comedy, my tochus. What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done? This machine reads zip codes. These five digits tell us where to direct your mail. But it's nine digits now. What's the point of these other four numbers? Those are citizen relocation codes. With any luck, we'll never need them. She's on to us. Should I flood the chamber? Not yet. Let's get some lunch. Well, children any questions for Postmaster Bill? You ever gone on a killing spree? CHUCKLING: No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman shooting up the place went out with the Macarena. Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school. And this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the public. Bingo! Birthday card! Graduation! Ding, ding, ding! Wedding. CHEERING (CHUCKLES) I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. CHEERING DOGS BARK AND SNARL I got some dog food. I got my letter to Santa. A coupon book? What am I going to do with this piece of junk? Happy birthday, Dad. Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book. Let's see. 10% off carpet cleaning. 10! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! Doughy's has terrible pizza. Yeah, but there's two! Ooh, free foot pain analysis. Oh, Marge that's just a trick to get you in there so they can cure your foot pain. I guess. See you, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are going to paint the town red with savings. I'll start with a couple of pizzas then a complimentary tango lesson... and I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic. Um, Dad... # Do you like pina colonic... # and getting caught in the rain? # Now this wheel balancing is free, right? Oh, you betcha. Absolutely. Eh... uh-oh. Wait a minute. These tyres won't take a balance. They won't? Nah, nah, no. You hear that clunk? Nah, nah, no. You hear that clunk? No. Well, that tells me you need four new tyres. Really? Yeah. Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here. Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time? Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out... Hey, what's going on over here? Were you going to let this man drive out of here on unsafe tyres? No, boss. I swear. Uh, that's it. You're fired! No. Wait. This is all my fault. Oh, if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tyres. MUZAK PLAYS Oh. Ooh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance and now it's costing you 500 simoleans. Six with the tip. Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone and they got me for the whole Road King package -- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube. CHUCKLING: Stem lube. Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming. Man, we are a couple of grade 'A' suckers. (CHUCKLES) Wally Kogen. Hey, I know you. We were in the same pyramid scheme. Oh, don't remind me. Friends helping friends, my ass. Say, you want to grab a beer while we're waiting? Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us. ANNOUNCER: The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless, I mean, when you think about it. (CHUCKLES) Football's so great. But now, the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys. Bye weeks. Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks and now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing. Yeah, how about that Super Bowl? You going this year? Me? Nah. Unless there's a coupon for it! Nah. Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency. We've got a charter bus going down to the game. You help us fill it, you can ride for free. Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang. That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You. Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry. It's a deal. Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Oh, absolutely. My favourite team's in it! The... Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, they're good but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos. Yeah, I hear that president Clinton is going to be watching with his wife, Hillary. Come on, Lenny I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus. What do you say? LENNY: Nah. LENNY: Nah. Come on. Nah. Nah. Come on. Nah. Nah. Oh, come on. Yes! Now that Lenny's in Carl will fall like a domino. I'm so happy you're going to the big game. My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi ballet. Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work? Wow, you've signed up quite a few people, Dad-- the sea captain, Bumblebee Man comic-book guy, the squeaky-voiced teen... Yeah, it's a good group. I got to hand it to you, Homer. It's really a good group. Yeah. Not a dame in sight. Oh, thank God. Now we can stop holding it in. ALL SIGH All aboard for Miami. ALL GROAN I don't know if I can last that long. Super Bowl, please, and step on it! CHEERING Hey, wait up. What is it, Rudy? Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size, I make up for in... obnoxiousness. CHEERING . ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply so let's all enjoy it in moderation. ALL: Boo! Hey, don't make me come back there. Seriously, now, if you have any questions just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson... (SINGS DRUNKENLY) (SIGHS) It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together. Yeah, I'm bored too. Mm-hmm. Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us? Hmm. Ooh, how about paint-by-numbers? It's so rigid and uncreative. OK. Oh, leather craft. Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Well, what are we waiting for? Keep-away Lovejoy's collar. ALL LAUGH Now look what you've done. All right, all right, you guys have had way too much booze. Last call. ALL CLAMOUR Come on, come on, give me an excuse. Pro Player Stadium, Super Bowl. CHEERING Heh, heh. I'm sorry. The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. What bathroom? Uh, OK, fellas, enjoy the pre-game fun. I don't want to be a panicky Pete but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet. No problem. The NFL's got you covered. ...and that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home. Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that? ALL: Amen. Cool! The NFL's oldest surviving player. I'm 53 years young. Ugh. Whoo! Hey, Troy Aikman. So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of... Sure, you do. Everyone likes dune buggies. Great spiral, Daniel. Man, that hurts. Excuse me. Coming through. Friends of Dan Marino. OK, Dan, fire away. I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan. Go long, son. Yes, sir. I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my... Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart! D-ohh! My spine. Oh, honey that is egg-ceptional. BOTH GIGGLE OK, now we just have to stick the feet on. Right. Lisa, I don't want to alarm you but I'm not finding any. But it clearly says feet included. They have to be here. No, nothing. I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product. Now what do we do? Let's call the company. Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business. Well, we'll just see. Murray Hill 5-9232. Hello. This is Vincent Price. (GASPS) It's Vincent Price. I thought he was dead. You should know that the grave could never tame me. GHOULISH LAUGHTER GHOULISH LAUGHTER Oh, Mr Price, I loved you in the Abominable Doct- If you are calling about the missing feet leave your address and the replacement feet... will be rushed to you by my grandson Jody. And now, I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt, but I'll be back. So is he alive or not? BEEP BEEP 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Oh, hiya, Maude. Come on in. Who needs tickets? Tickets right here. How about you, slick? Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl. Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning. ALL CHEER IN AGREEMENT Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck. Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite. Wally and I have all the tickets we need. Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit. What? What? Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing and there's no such team as 'The Spungos' and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets! Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are going to be crestfallen. Yes, if by 'crestfallen,' you mean 'kill us.' Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over. SWEETLY: My friends... Kill them! Please, my friends... Ow! All right! I'll get you into the game! Excuse me, uh,... Mr Scalper, sir. Have I told you that I love you? Forget it. You'll just hurt me like all the others. OK, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat. Reverend Lovejoy was working on the body. Wait. Dad, look. Hello. Gentlemen, I have an idea. Run! CHEERING AND HOOTING We can still make the kick-off! Here comes the kick! YELL CRESCENDOS Ow! ALL: Yay! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough, but as a football fan... YELL CRESCENDOS . WIND WHISTLES (HONKS HORN TWICE) 'ZZ TOP'S LEGS' PLAYS MAN: The church -- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird. ANNOUNCER: Just about ready for the second quarter. I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator... and now the fans are screaming for more. (SCREAMS) Let us out of here! Relax, Simpson, relax. A little-known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies. Real, real, real, real, real. So, by the process of elimination this one is the fake. (GROANS) Ah, that's painful. CROWD CHEERS Ah, nuts. That sounds like a touchdown. ALL GROAN No, no, no. I know my roars and that was most definitely a safety. ALL GROAN Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you well, I just feel pretty doggone bad. If they were electing a president of Dumbville I'd have to nominate me. You got my vote. Oh, we're never going to get out of... Psst! Cleaning lady! Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story, just the key. Young man, where I come from -- the south -- folks say 'please' and besides, I got to go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stomp. Dolly, wait! Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and Euro-Dollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen, what are you doing in Super Bowl jail? Ask her if she'll go out with me. We had a little ticket snafu. Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals out of the pokey? Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover. Shield your eyes. SIZZLING Oh-ho. Thanks, Miss Parton. Oh, way to go, Dolly. Will you go out with me? Ooh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all. Oh, man, that's going to be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football! CHEERING Homer, we been running around cheering for an hour. Where the hell's the game? ALL GRUMBLE You guys are following me? I was following Flanders. Hey, look what I found. ALL GASP IN AWE CROWD CHEERS Hey, somebody just scored. In a minute. ALL CHATTER HELICOPTER WHIRRS HOMER: Hey, it's the beer copter. What the bloody hell? Hit the road, gramps. This is a private Sky box. I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant and this is my Sky box. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. (WHISPERS) ALL: Hi, Rupert. Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mr Murdoch let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks... Silence! Seize them! ALL YELL WITH FEAR Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! CROWD CHEERS The game! We're so close. Follow me, boys! We're going to the... ow! We did it! We're number one! We're rich! Did you ever stop believing? Does this suit make me look fat? Players and VIPs only. REPORTERS GROAN CHEERING I can't believe it! We're actually in the winning locker room. Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland. Really? Cos I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things. (GRUNTS) PHONE RINGS Y'ello. Uh, hello, this is President Clinton. Hey, how you doing? You know, your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time. And on behalf of America, I'd like to... Ow! LAUGHING: Oh! All right, Lovejoy. You're going to get it. Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now? What are you going to do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? Probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today. ALL: Ah! That doesn't belong to you. But this might be my last chance to win one. Well, we sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't. COs you can really 'go places' in the travel business. Feel free to use that one. What one? Well, John, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it. The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the line-up was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off. Marge and Lisa painting eggs? Did that work for you? Oh, big time. They came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains. Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing? I hadn't thought about it, Pat, but in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off. What a way to treat the loyal fans who put up with so much nonsense from this franchise. Any final thoughts? Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck out of here. All aboard, boys. I've been waiting for you. Now, I'll tell you. That doesn't make a lick of sense. I know. Just get on the bus. GEARS GRIND PRICE: Where's that infernal clutch? Wait, wait. I'll get it. JODY: Give it some gas, Grandpa. Oh, quiet, Jody. You're not helping. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions edited by Christine Ody. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016. Silence.