r 4 BELL RINGS HOOTER SOUNDS (PLAYS THE BLUES) HORN HONKS Doh! (SCREAMS) And then the handsome prince realised he had to go to the bathroom really bad. But the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition. So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley... That's not a fairy tale. It's just something that happened to you at Moe's. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble racoon. And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff I'm doing. Amen. He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord. He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord. Good save, Mom. Night. Sweet dreams, honey. Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system. Of course, honey. Of course, honey. Thanks. It's due tomorrow. Tomorrow?! Well, that's too bad, mister. I'm not going to bail you out this time. You're right, Mom. I understand. All right. I'll get you the materials but you're building it. I'll get you the materials but you're building it. OK. Oh, I'll make the whole thing. OK, papier-mache mix... pipe cleaners... pig intestines... and sparkle paint. You're a lifesaver, Apu. All the other stores are closed. All the other stores are closed. (GASPS) At 11:30? But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things. Whoa! It's a living mirror. Cool hat! Well, I'm glad you're always here but isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands. I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg. Well, when you have a free night we'd love to have you two over for dinner. Oh, please, do not be insane. You hosted our wedding. The least we can do is have you over for dinner. It is payback time, and this time... it's personal. And... Wow! That looks great, Mom. Some of your best work. INTESTINES GURGLE INTESTINES GURGLE Oh, it sounds so real. I didn't turn it on yet. GURGLING GURGLING Oh, oh, I'm never eating chilli again. Ooh, chilli! Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger. GURGLING GURGLING Hey, you're wrecking it. Look out! It's gonna blow! ALL SCREAM ALL: Ew! I hope you're happy, Nelson. I hope you're happy, Nelson. Very. But I can't help wondering where I go from here. Stop worrying, Apu. The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands. I'm not checking up on you, Sanjay. I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left. Seven?! I'll be right there. No, he won't. Apu's entertaining tonight. If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar. This is why I married you. Ooh, what an outfit. You are one mahat-mama. You think so? Why, I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking. Oh! Apu. DOORBELL RINGS Maybe we should not answer it, huh? DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Door's unlocked. Oh, Marge, Homer, welcome. Yes, welcome. What a lovely home. Oh, you are too kind, Marge. I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home. Well, let us just say we both feel bad. Deal. Who is your favourite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose. FRENETIC, HIGH-PITCHED WAILING Oh, sorry. MAN: # You make me feel so young... # you make me feel as though spring has sprung. # Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry. Mmm, this is delicious. What's in it? Chickpeas, lentils and rice. And what's in this? Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice. I'm so glad we were able to get together. Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work. CHUCKLING: Oh, yeah, Homer's a real go-getter. LAUGHING: Yeah, I'm going right to the top. BEEPING Hmm, what's an 'eltdown'? Eh. I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day? 18 hours? Nobody works that hard... Nobody works that hard... (CLEARS THROAT) But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much. Except weekends. Wee... kends? Uh, say, who's up for a game of ganesh-gnop? You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife. Yes, perhaps I stretched the truth a bit but the Kwik-E-Mart--she is a harsh mistress. I think you just don't want to see me. Maybe we should just close the door. Maybe we should leave. Uh-uh, no way. I don't want to miss a word. You don't know what they're saying. I'm picking it up. "Sala" seems to mean jerk, and I think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship. Uh, this could take a while, folks. Thank you. Come again. I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble. Aw, they're newlyweds. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some loving. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some loving. CRASH! Oh, dear. Hmm! MARGE: Either put that book down or let me drive. HOMER: Hey, they stole our idea. See? Look. HOMER: Hey, they stole our idea. See? Look. TYRES SQUEAL, HORN HONKS > e "I cherish you, my precious." No. "To a heck of a blacksmith." Nah, I already got him one. (LAUGHS) That's funny 'cause they're monkeys. So long, rejects. Stupid cards. Morning, Apu. Still in hot water with the squaw? Worse than ever, I am afraid. My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved. Now I fear she will leave me. She's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day. That would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash. Oh, you are right. There's still seven days before Valentine's. Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula. Sweet mint julep... I'll be at Moe's. DOG GROWLS AND WHIMPERS Come on, boy, come on. Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the Sunday paper. Good dog. Good doggie. "Tax hike approved"? Bad dog. Bad, bad dog. Now to trim away the fat. "Outlook." "Vista." No. "Spotlight." "Mosaic." Nah. I'd love to look at "Scullery Week" if you're through with it. Sorry, Marge, that's in my stockpile. You can have this. This is about investment opportunities in Yemen. Give me that! All right, the personals. Hmm... "Successful mayor-type seeks open-minded, discreet cheerleader-type." Oh, that's sweet. Ah, here's one. "Desperately seeking suction..." Hey, look at this one. (GASPS) It's a poem. (GASPS) From Apu! Well, don't just gasp. Read it. "My darling bride, Manjula "I hereby mend my ways. "I'll shower you with Valentines for seven love-filled days." Oh, how romantic. I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds. The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower. We sold it, didn't we? Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic. I can't believe it. He covered your whole bed with wildflowers. Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you. Sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets. And he says I've got six more surprises coming. I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield. BIRD SQUAWKS BIRD SQUAWKS (SCREAMS) Oh! # He loves the nightlife # he loves Manjula # (SQUAWKS) # the man they call Apu # Oh, yeah! # He has trained a bird to sing to me. Limo out front. Tickets to opera. Front row loge. (SIGHS) Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me. Then the bird sang "I Love the Nightlife" with clever new lyrics. I hate that song. I do, too, but it was sweet. Women really like that sort of thing, Homie. Don't worry, honey. I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day. It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it? Wouldn't you like to know? A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling. APU: Help! I can't breathe! Oh, Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all. Air... I need air. Oh, Apu. My ears are filled with nougat. Oh, dear. There's a nut in my eye. So then the second salesman says, "That's OK I just ate all the hot buttered corn." (LAUGHS) You like that one, baby? Sarah, what's wrong? Usually after two or three truly tasteless jokes you're all over me. Manjula got to see La Boheme. Sarah, please. Sarah, it's $10 a pill. And so, with Valentine's Day one day away all eyes are on the local Romeo... whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife and introubulating the rest of us. Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counselled a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders. (LAUGHS) Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See? The problem's communication. Too much communication. Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos. But Marge, it's worth it. Look, the Taco Bell dog. "Yo quiero ta..." hey, where'd it go? Here, boy! You just don't get it. This Valentine's crap has gone too far. This Valentine's crap has gone too far. ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT Edna won't let me clap her erasers. My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts. The gal I'm stalking had me bumped back to 200 feet. LENNY: That's too far. And ask yourselves, people who's to blame for all this? Well, I guess we are. I suppose I do take Maude for granted. I've done some of that myself. Will you stop it?! It's easy to blame ourselves but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad. He's making us look bad. ALL SHOUT IN AGREEMENT HOOFBEATS APPROACH HOOFBEATS APPROACH What's going on out there? QUARTET PLAYS CHAMBER MUSIC Aw, Jeez he's got everything but the Shriners. HORNS BEEP HORNS BEEP Hey, watch it. You're all over the road. We've got to stop that traitor Apu. Yeah! That's right! Right after happy hour. Right after happy hour. ALL: Yeah! e HOMER: Come on, Apu make your move. Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas. Naw, naw, not our lover boy. If I know his MO he's saved the biggest one for today. Gee, the man's just trying to show his wife he cares. How could we sabotage his labour of love? I don't know. Gasoline, axes--I got some stuff in the trunk. Hey, there he goes. Hey, there he goes. Let's roll. Uh, Homer, you're driving. Not yet, I'm not. You'll know when I'm driving and it'll... (SHRIEKS) Tiffany's, eh? Looks like Smoochy's going to seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head. Aw, man, he's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates. Whoa, whoa, my rope came loose. WIGGUM: There he is. Behind that shopping bag,... a croissant? Ah, that's right. They have breakfast at Tiffany's now. Only till 11:00. So, that's it. The crazy nut. He went and bought her a sloop. Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse. Wait, Chief, he's not purchasing a boat. Arr, it's kind of you to deliver these copies of Jugs. This is turning out to be a total waste of time. Not entirely. Aw, Jeez we've been following him for hours. You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing... we could have written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored an antique... (YELLS) Whew! At least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts. Oh, baby, we got him now. There's no escape from the airport. Oh, nuts! We lost him. I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking. Hey, look! It's Elton John! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damned chandelier again. What's he doing in Springfield? I got it. I got it. Apu must have hired him to sing for Manjula. Not if I can help it... and help it, I might. Mr John, I'm your biggest fan. I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio. Oh, that's very sweet. Have a grammy. Uh... Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like to dub you a... knight of the grand concourse. Yeah. It's for all your charity work and, um... for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? Just get in this cage. What? Oh, hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed "Sir Elton" the Queen paddled me silly. Hey, Apu's talking to a skywriter. So, that was his plan all along. If he writes a message of love over Springfield we're all screwed. Hello? Lads? Don't forget your old pal, Elton. Can anyone hear me? Skycap? OK, here is the message and please don't skimp on the... "sarin"? (LAUGHS) Don't be frightened. That tank's just Peace Corps surplus. HOMER: Not so fast, Apu! HOMER: Not so fast, Apu! Homer! What a delightful coincidence. We're putting an end to your insane Valentine's rampage. Never again will good, lazy men have to... What the...?! Oh, no, you don't! (PANTS) Hey, you with the scarf! Stop skywriting! I have to deliver a message. It's the skywriter's code. I am so sick of that damned code! If you won't stop, then I'll stop you! (GRUNTS) What are you doing? Don't do that! Oh, isn't that sweet? That must be for Manjula. Just once, I'd like a love note in the sky. (CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Lousy message! You crazy fool, you'll kill us all! CORRECTION: Kill us both! "I love you..." It's an angel. Ooh, that's Neddy's pet name for me. "I love you, Poppin' Fresh." Oh, Clancy. "I love you, Edna K." It's a little run together, but that's what it says. "I love you..." Cactus? Blobby? Upsilon? Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that. PILOT: Doggone it! You ruined my message. Oh, me. My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre. You think you've got problems. I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier. Oh! Elton John?! That's my name. Well, not really. I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but... (SCREAMS) That maniac nearly killed us. Shall I... take you to the pilot? You see, because that is your song... I heard you. Yes, because someone saved your life tonight. (LAUGHS) Cut it out! Well, well, the <BLEEP> is back. (SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) Ow! Durnit! Why won't you die?! Oh, prickers! (SCREAMS) Huh? What in the world? GROANING: Roses... so many roses. Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses. Roses... Oh, Homie. Oh, they're beautiful. Oh, I'm going to snuggle your brains out. Well, I think I have a collapsed lung... but OK. ELTON JOHN: # If I was a sculptor, but then again, no. # I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. # My gift is my song, yeah. # and this one's from Apu... # Oh... oh, I can't believe it. You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me. Well, you and the health inspector. Champagne squishy? Oh, thank you. It should get you pretty darned hammered. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016