1 BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) (HONKS HORN) (SCREAMS) 'POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE' PLAYS # We're proud to be teachers # knowledge is our game. # But we'd sell our mothers # for 15 minutes of... # Fame! # Not gonna teach for ever. # Gonna give showbiz a try. # Try! I didn't think it was physically possible but this both sucks and blows. 'SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT' PLAYS 'SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT' PLAYS # That's fame! # SCATTERED APPLAUSE (CHUCKLES) Whew! Mercy! Good evening. Our old friend Noah Webster defines laughter as the act or sound of laughing. NELSON: Ha-ha! (CHUCKLES) Well illustrated, Nelson. And now fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper - oh, or should I say 'Grinskeeper'? No, I'm sorry. Groundskeeper was correct... Willie! (PLAYS 'MY BONNIE') How many of ye hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? BAGPIPE HONKS Eh? Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees scooping up your little brats' puke! LAUGHTER Thank you. You've been great. 'FEVER' BASS INTRO # You give me fever POP! POP! # when you touch me # fever when you hold me tight. POP! # Fever! # Ha! Kill me. Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team and I was wondering, who's on first? Yes, not the pronoun but rather a player with the unlikely name of Who is on first. That's great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. MUTTERS: Sexless freak. (CHUCKLES) Well, it seems as though we're just about at the halfway point. So why don't we call it intermission? LOUD CHATTERING Oh! Don't go too far. If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racquet guitars you won't want to miss the second half. You drive. I eat. Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks. Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks. I saw Krabappel's butt. I paid. Whoopsie. Hmm. This could take a minute. There's an opening, Mom. There's an opening, Mom. I don't know. I-I hate to change lanes once I get going. That's really for race car drivers. To your left. He's letting you in. Go! No, no. As soon as I get over that lane will stop moving. Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees. Oh! You suck, Marge. ENGINE ROARS (HONKS) Come on, move it, you clowns! What in blazes...? So long, schlubs! Wow. Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful, so commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. PA: # Canyonero. Yah! WHIP CRACKS # Canyonero. # (MOANS) Oh, Canyonero... (CHUCKLES) Go ahead. Drool all you want. You can't hurt that finish. Now, rainwater, that'll strip it right off... Ah, I shouldn't have said that. Come on. Gil. Hey, a red one! Can I buy that? Please? Well, if you-you... Dah... Wha- Really?! Wow! Ha! Hot dog! A sale! I'll take it from here, Gil. No, wait! Ah, no, you can't take my sale. My wife's going to leave me if I don't start bringing in the green. Come on. Let me have this one, Stan. I'm begging you. Look at me. I'm begging you, Stan. Mm-hmm. Let's go write this up, shall we? Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer. I... No, but I came so close. This guy was a... Who's voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over. No, don't put him on. It... Hello, Fred. Hi. OK, you've got the undercoating, clear coating, rust-proofing, under-guard spray gravel-guard XJ, Vita-seal, Repelzit, but, if you want to protect the paint, you better keep it in this tent. Will do. Will do. OK. Here's how your lease breaks down: this is your down payment. Then here's your monthly. And there's your weekly. And that's it, right? Yep. Oh, then after your final monthly payment there's the routine CBP, or crippling balloon payment. there's the routine CBP, or crippling balloon payment. But that's not for a while. Right. Sweet. Whoo! Hello! Hey, baby! Whoops. Sorry, Homer. We thought you were one of those hot-to-trot soccer moms. Yeah, you don't see many men driving the F Series. Yeah, you don't see many men driving the F Series. Huh? See? Instead of a cigarette lighter it's got a lipstick holder. See? Instead of a cigarette lighter it's got a lipstick holder. Ah, crap! It's a girl's car. I can't drive THIS. Oh, sure, you can, doll face. (MAKES KISSING NOISES) (CHUCKLES) Pretty thing like you can do WHATEVER she wants. BOTH LAUGH Shut up! Screw you guys! TYRES SCREECH MUMBLES: Lousy, F Series, frilly, girly, fruity car... Where's your keys? I'm taking your car to work. You cashed in your 401K to buy that stupid Canyonero. Why can't you drive it? Are you saying I'm gay? Because, if that's what you think then just come right out and say it. Because, if that's what you think then just come right out and say it. I don't think you're gay. I just have to do my grocery shopping. Now, please, give me my keys. Fine. ELECTRICAL CRACKLING TYRES SCREECH HOMER: Sucker. Oh. Good Lord. How am I supposed to get in this beast? MECHANICAL HUMMING Hmm. Well, that's a nice feature. Not much headroom, though. Ooh! Oh, I guess I can drive it for a little while. But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll. Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard compute. FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? (GASPS) No one has ever asked me that before in my life. Well, that's a first. I've NEVER been able to fit 32 grocery bags into one car before. Eww, why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box? Hmm. I thought it was Sandy Duncan. Hmm. I thought it was Sandy Duncan. Uh-oh. Gridlock at 12 o'clock. HORNS HONK Oh, crud. And we're so close to the house. Um, I don't want to alarm you but the ice cream's starting to go south. (SLURPS) Hey, give me some of that. Hey, give me some of that. (SCREAMS) Mom, Bart sprayed whip cream in my eye! Mom, Bart sprayed whip cream in my eye! I did not. (SCREAMS) BOTH GRUNT Kids, cut it out! (SIGHS) All right. Hey! Come on, Mom, just cut across the field. Oh, I don't know. It doesn't seem right. Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right? Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right? Of course not. Let's do it. # Canyonero. # TYRES SCREECH BART: Whoa! You the man, Mom! Out of my way, nature! MARGE: # Canyonero! # 1 Look at me, Lis. I'm Baron Von Chickenpants. (CLUCKS) Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner. You're tomorrow night's dinner. Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear. OK, Mr Peanut, you think you can keep... (STAMMERS) ...a three-chambered peanut. Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry! Marge? Marge, you've been out there all morning. So? So lying on the couch and eating stuff isn't the same if you aren't around to see it. I'll come watch you do nothing after I try out my new high-intensity halogen headlights. (SNICKERS) Nobody will ever cut ME off again. Oh, please come in. Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something but I don't know what. I'm almost done. And tell Bart to get out of my purse. NO AUDIO Coming through. Open up for Marge. Thank you. Whoa. Daylight. Jeez, try the gas pedal, grandma. It's right there next to the brake. Oh, for God's sake. Go back to New Jersey. (GRUNTS IMPATIENTLY) (HONKS HORN) Come on! Come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living. Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks representing a young man lost at sea! SIREN WAILS Oh, great. What'd I do? This better be important. Can the sweet talk, Thelma and Louise. You have a serious mental illness. The technical term is 'road rage.' I'll see you tomorrow morning at traffic school, speedy. And you got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight. TYRES SCREECH Oh, why are the pretty ones always insane? OK, I assume you all know why you're here. That's right. You're all angry, sick people. But over these next eight hours you will be broken down to the level of infants then rebuilt as functional members of society then broken down again, then lunch then, if there's time, rebuilt once more. All right, roll it, Lou. Hello. I'm Sergeant Crew and I'm here to talk to you about... Duh. Quiet, fatso. The sergeant's talking. Go on, dear. In these modern hectic days of fast food, answering machines and one-night stands people are getting angrier. Now, what you're about to see is not pretty. Cut me off, will ya?! Yah! Learn to drive, dimwit! I sentence you to kiss my`! (SCREAMS) Look familiar? It should. Anger is what makes America great but you must find the proper outlet for your rage. Fire a weapon at your television screen; pick a fight with someone weaker than you; or write a threatening letter to a celebrity. So, when you go out for a drive remember to leave your murderous anger where it belongs... at home. And, as if that film wasn't enough we have a special guest. Why, it's Curtis E Bear - the courtesy bear. For the next three hours this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb. So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours... Uh, chief, can I at least shield my crotch? Bears can't talk, Kenny. (YELLS) Well, Simpson, did you learn something today? Oh, did I ever. And that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me. Uh, remember, Midge, you feel the need to rage you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothing unless that's what you want. But that's not what you want, right? But that's not what you want, right? No, thanks. But thanks. After you, sweetheart. Oh no, you first, ma'am. Well, somebody go first. Well, somebody go first. Well, not me. I'm not going until she goes. Oh, for crying out loud, I... Oh... oh, OK. Calm down. Just think. What would Curtis E Bear do? (HONKS) Move it. I gotta return this suit. Get out of the way! TYRES SQUEAL Yaaah! We're free. We're free. Whoa. Thanks, chick dude. Well, I hope you're happy, Simpson. Those prisoners were one day away from being completely rehabilitated. I'm tearing up your licence. Aw, Jeez. Darned laminated... Would you mind? I got stubby fingers. Oh... 1 How could they take away my licence? It feels like I lost a limb. Well, that's a turn-off. Hey, why don't you come to the wild animal park with us? No. Your father drives like an old lady. At least I've got a licence. Come on, kids. I went too far. Aw, what a gyp. They're all just lying around. Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us. I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God - plays! I don't want to pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not going to hurt him. I'm just going to wake him up. LEMUR SCREECHES KANGAROO BELLOWS HOOVES THUNDER Uh-oh. Here's your slingshot, Lisa! I told them a chain-link fence wouldn't hold rhinos. Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I MEANT to tell them. (SHRIEKS) PEOPLE SCREAM Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. Jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work? Aw, nuts. Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Well, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle. And a heart to match. I'd like to help you, Chief, but my licence was revoked. Seems I'm full of rage. Then do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. That's your hat. She's good, Chief. Now, if you'll excuse me I've got some dust that needs busting. PEOPLE SCREAM This is Kent Brockman at the scene of a level-three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone except those three luckless people whom we'll identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets. (GASPS) Back! Back, I say! Oh no. I'm out of popcorn. Oh no. I'm out of popcorn. Throw your peanuts! You throw YOUR peanuts. ALL YELL HORN HONKS BART: Look, it's Mom. Out of the way! Move it or lose it! Get going, you! This ought to hold them. There's one missing, mate. If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie. RHINO SNORTS Get in! Get in! Come on, Homer, jump! Ohh... when will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman? (SHRIEKS) Oh! (WHIMPERS) Hey, anybody seen Homer today? HOMER SCREAMS There he goes. It's not my rhino. Oh, thank you, God! And thank you, Porta-John. You really saved my... (SCREAMS) Who's out there? (YELPS) Oh, I'm going to die. Jesus, Allah, Buddha - I love you all! TYRES SQUEAL Oh no! She's not going to make it! Hmm. Looks like it's time for plan B. One, two three... B! It's OK, Homey. You can come out now. Uh, give me a minute. Oh, Marge, you saved me. Wow. You are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom. Yeah, way to channel that rage, Simpson. How did you know your plan would work, Mom? Thanks for asking. Well, I was watching Dateline and Stone Philips said SUVs always roll over when you turn sharply and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat. And she also knew, if the rhino sees a flame he'll instinctively try to put it out. Stone Philips again. Is there anything that guy doesn't know? Why, this Stone Philips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on? Why, NBC, of course. NBC has lots of great shows and their news and sports coverage can't be beat. Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now? Oh, I'm sure of it. But there's only one way to find out. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016