' BELL RINGS (PLAYS THE BLUES) HORN HONKS (SCREAMS) ANNOUNCER: OK, FDR is in the White House an ice cream cone costs a nickel and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts. The year is 1939. 19... 1939! Oh my God. I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess-- you travel back in time again? Shut up. You haven't even been born yet. Easy, Homer, I'll bring you back. (TUNES RADIO) RADIO: "THE SAFETY DANCE" PLAYS Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys. MARTY: That was Men Without Hats. Or as they're known today... "Men Without Jobs"! (LAUGHS) BILL: Hey, don't go there, Marty. MARTY: I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here at PJ O'Harrigan's! PA: We're broadcasting live from PJ O'H's and this place makes Animal House look like Terms of Endearment. We're kicking off our 35th consecutive happy hour with no end in sight. So come on down. Hey, that sounds like a swinging shindig. Yeah, too bad we got to work, huh, Homer? Homer? HOMER: Woo-hoo! Let's party! Wake up, Homer. Eh? Come on. Move your butt. You're blocking traffic. That's no way to address Sir Drinks-a-lot. (GROANS) Come on. Let's get you inside and scrape the gum out of your hair. HORNS HONK OK... Hey, Marge, what's your favourite radio station? Well, Marge... What? What's your favourite radio station? OK, Dad. We're ready. Hey, that's super. See you later. Dad, don't you remember? It's our special Saturday. You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids. Oh! Oh, quit complaining. It's half the work of a divorced dad. Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad. Homer! They know I'm kidding. OK, Bart, it's your turn to pick. Where are we headed? Bowling? Demolition derby? PJ O'Harrigan's? Isn't that a funny name? Huh? Huh? Hysterical. But I traded my turn to Lisa for her dessert. No! We did a Lisa thing last month! (LAUGHS) And I'm glad we did. But now I think we should do something normal people would like. Why do you assume that I won't pick something fun? Let's see. Oh, this looks very educational. Oh, this looks very educational. Oh! Well, this could be quite enlightening. Well, this could be quite enlightening. Oh! Fine! How about...? Fine! How about...? Oh! She didn't say it yet. She didn't say it yet. Go ahead, sweetie. The book fair? Oh, no. I'm not falling for that again. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar it's not a fair. Oh, this is perfect. We're going to go see Marmaduke? No, the Smithsonian travelling exhibit. It encapsulates America and makes history come alive. What? And Marmaduke doesn't? Sorry, Dad. My mind is made up. This is your fault for trading away your turn. Just for that, no dessert tonight. Trade you my next turn for dessert. D-ohh! Deal. Hey, how come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cellphone company? I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials. Anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs killing wild donkeys and Israel. Good old government. Yeah, but corporate sponsorship cheapens our nation's treasures. Actually, they're Omnitouch's treasures now. We bought them during the last budget crisis. (GASPS) Look, they have Lincoln's hat. Thank God for grave robbers. Oh, America's greatest citizen summed up in one piece of clothing. HOMER:(GASPS) Fonzie's jacket! Who's Fonzie? Who's Fonzie?! Don't they teach you anything in school? He freed the squares. How can they put a prop from a TV show next to the Bill of Rights? So what's so great about the Bill of Rights? It guarantees all of the basic freedoms. Speech, religion, the right to a speedy trial... HOMER: Where? I don't see that. (GASPS) Dad! Don't do that! GUNS COCK Get out of Archie Bunker's chair! Now! Get out of Archie Bunker's chair! Now! Relax. I'm just boning up on the old constitution. Oh, you're going to regret that, pinko. Oh, I am so sick of people hiding behind the Bill of Rights. Look, he got chocolate on it. I didn't mean to. Look... Mm-hmm. You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment. (CHUCKLES) Beautiful. Really? That much? It's going to cost $10,000 to repair that document. What? Of course, Omnitouch understands that real money doesn't grow on trees. Not these days. Finally, a company that understands my needs. We sure do. It's called caring. It's called caring. So, we're even then? Not by a long shot. But I have a solution that'll work out for both of us. Especially you. I don't want a cellular transmitter sticking out of my roof. We prefer to think of them as "keep in touch towers." It's called caring, Marge. Plus, you've increased Springfield's roaming capabilities 64%. You've got to admit, Marge, that's a lot more roaming. Oh, I guess. Hey, this is pretty comfortable. That Andy Capp was on to something. Ugh. That antenna is an eyesore. Just pretend it's a tree, honey. Or as we say at Omnitouch, a "progress tree." Yeah, well, I hope it doesn't hum too loud 'cause I have a ton of homework to do and if don't finish it by... (SCREAMS) My room! What? I heard a yell. Did you touch a wire? What happened to my room? Nothing. They just needed a place to put all the electronic gizmos and I know much you like that science-y stuff, so I decid-- You gave away my room?! Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view. Your father's right, Lisa. Cellular service is about communication and unity. Community. Oh... ' I can't believe you did this, Dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room? Hmm, that thought never occurred to me. Funny how your mind works in a crisis. It's just until we pay off Daddy's desecration of a priceless artefact. I thought I'd never have to say that again. But where am I supposed to live? Lisa... what's your favourite movie? Until you taped over it, The Little Mermaid. That's right, The Odd Couple. So meet your comically mismatched room-mate, Bart Simpson! (HUMS 'ODD COUPLE' THEME) I'm going to make your life a living hell. HUMMING CONTINUES Dad! HUMMING CONTINUES OK, if you're going to live in my room you're going to obey my rules: one, I am Bart, thy god. If I am out, the Krusty doll is thy god. If the doll's with me you will worship the night light. Should the night light be unable to fulfill its duties... Shut up. You shut up. Oh, this is not going to work. No, you shut up. GROANS: Oh... ELECTRIC CURRENT CRACKLES PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Hello, Mother? (GASPS) Maggie? MRS SKINNER: Seymour, you were supposed to call me three minutes ago. Mother, I was driving through a tunnel and my cellphone wouldn't work. I don't want you driving through tunnels. You know what that symbolises. But Mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive. MRS SKINNER: No tunnels! Homer, we're picking up cellphone calls over the baby monitor. Whoo! Anything spicy? Oh, that's not the point. We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep. People's privacy is at stake. Great. I'm going to eat mayonnaise. (GROANS) CHAIR SQUEAKS Bart, stop it. Stop what? Squeaking that chair. Hey, that's what I do in my room, Lis. I squeak my chair. SQUEAKS FASTER Oh, quit it, quit it, quit it, quit it! Well, well, if it isn't Frick and Frack Jack and Jill, Fred and Ethel, the Three... Dad, will you please tell Bart to stop squeaking his chair? I'm trying to do my homework. Bart, stop squeaking your chair. If you've got to do something, click this pen. No! Hey, that looks like fun. Race you. You're on. Lisa, you play winner. CLICKS RAPIDLY Oh, honey, you missed a great race. Bart was winning, but then he said "This is stupid," and he stopped and I won. Dad, I am TRYING to do my homework. Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it? Dad, why did you have to take away my room? Maybe you'd feel better if we watched some TV together. Ah... I just want to study. That's no fun. It is to me. No, it's not. LISA: Dad! Oh, here's something you'll like-- When Animals Attack Magicians MAN ON TV: Pick a card, any... BABOON SCREECHES MAN SCREAMS (CHUCKLES) That's awful. Awful entertaining. Oh, my stomach hurts. BABY MONITOR: Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick. (LAUGHS) Showbiz is so fascinating. Uh, Mom, I don't feel so good. (GROANS) What is it, honey? My tummy really hurts. Somebody wants mommy to change baby's diaper. Is that somebody you, Homer? Yes, it is. OK, then you can take Lisa to Dr Hibbert's. Great. Maybe on the way back we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk. Oh, sounds great. Lisa, I'm afraid your tummy-ache may be caused by stress. Well, that's a relief. (CHUCKLES) Yes. Anyway, when it comes to stress I believe laughter is the best medicine. You know, before I learned to chuckle mindlessly I was headed for an early grave myself. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Give it a try, honey. (CHUCKLES HALF-HEARTEDLY) Oh, now, you call that chuckling? Come on, child, force it. I'm really not the chuckling type. It's true. I'm always making clever noises and she never chuckles at them. Well, I could prescribe some harsh antacids but I think Lisa would benefit more from some herbal teas or aromatherapy. Yeah, you know, some of that all-natural stuff is really very... Oh, no, you don't. Screw that touchy- queery crap. We'll take the harsh antacids. Nothing's too good for my little girl. I sure settled his hash. Imagine that quack thinking you'd try one of those crazy new-age cures. They're not all crazy, Dad. Sure they are, honey. You know, just because you say something is crazy doesn't make it so and just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun doesn't make that true, either! I'm sorry, Lisa. Oh, it's not your fault. I know we love each other, Dad but we're two very different people and, much as I hate to say it, as time goes on we'll probably just drift further and further apart. Oh, Lisa, honey, I won't ever let that happen. Oh. ' Dad, you don't have to go to a new-age store just for me. I know you think this stuff is stupid. Nah, you must be thinking of your mother. I'm always exploring alternatives and expanding my horizons into realms of... Can't we just go in? SHOP DOOR BELL RINGS Oh, good... I've been meaning to buy a... READS: Dream catcher? Give me a break. I just wish you could keep an open mind about other cultures. Other cultures are fine. I'm just saying I can get along in life without a... "toothbrush." Namaste. And a ooga-booga to you, too. May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts. Do you have anything to stop her complaining? Dad! Here... try this wheat grass juice. (SLURPS) Blah! Well, your tongue works. Let's try some oil of Lorenzo and, uh, what's keeping Joan Rivers alive? Foetal grindings but I have a better idea. Oh, no, no freezing. No, Mr Simpson, this is a sensory-deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Can you pee in it? I'll take two hours. Me, too. You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening but remember, they can't physically harm you though they may destroy you mentally. THINKS: Ah, this is kind of relaxing but it's so hard to turn off my brain. I have to stop thinking starting... now. Hey, it worked. Oh, no, that's thinking. THINKS: Boring. BABY MONITOR: Lenny, it's Moe. I got some class-three gossip. LENNY: Well... dish. Listen, groundskeeper Willie bought himself a mail-order bride but he was too cheap to pay the COD so she's still in the crate down at the post office. Ooh, this sounds juicy. Hmm... Hey, Milhouse, want to have some fun? Uh... OK. How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colours distracting me? Hey... Oh, it's a ball of yarn. That's funny. I feel like batting it around. Wow, I have a paw! Oh my gosh. I've entered the body of our cat. (SUCKS) Ah! Maggie! Hey, hey, get your sticky hands off me. Ow! (HISSES) Oh, bad cat. Leave her alone. (GRUNTS) LISA SCREAMS Wow, my mind just created that out of nothing. This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. # Ooh-eee ooh-ah-ah. # Ting-tang, walla-walla-bing-bang. # Ooh-eee ooh-ah-ah. # Walla-bing-bang ting-ting, too...# Come on, come on, I need some gossip here. Where is everybody? Does this town shut down at 5:00? Frankie, it's me, killer. I just busted out of prison and the cops are after me. Ooh, talk to me, baby. OK, I think I lost them. TOY MAKES MOOING NOISE TOY MAKES MOOING NOISE Uh-oh, a cow. Eat lead, bossy. Listen, Tony, I need someplace to hide. Oh, this place looks good-- 742 Evergreen Terrace. (GASPS) Now, to open the door and kill whoever's inside. I'll start by turning the knob. (LAUGHS) Got you, Mrs.... Ow. Oh my God. BART LAUGHS Oh, Mom, you are a prankster's dream. (LAUGHS) Wow, you really clobbered him. That was a horrible trick to play on your mother. Yeah, well, it serves you right for eavesdropping. (GROANS) Well, I guess we both learned a lesson... but, if anybody asks, YOU hit him. CLERK: But you can't just repossess our merchandise. The I Ching said I had six months until bankruptcy. Hey, channel somebody who gives a damn. Can't we discuss this over some sympathy tea? Sorry, the teas are already on the truck. There's only enough room on the truck for this one. We'll get the other one later. (GRUNTS) Hey... this piece of junk is finally doing something. (LAUGHS) Oh, man, this is heavy! You should lift with your legs. Yeah, aw, screw it. I got health insurance. (GROANS) Abracadabra. The crystal says, "Your baby shall be a girl." Shut up! TYRES SQUEAL CRASH! Whoo! Sensory deprivation kicks ass! BRAKES SQUEAL GASPS: Oh, Neddy, you almost hit that coffin. GASPS: Leapin' Lazarus! Is this what passes for eternal rest these days? Rod, go get Daddy his burying shovel. Yay! NED GRUNTS You sure buried him deep, Daddy. (LAUGHS) Not so deep the Lord can't find him... and judge him. This is the best birthday I ever had. OK, I'm ready to get out now. Yoo-hoo, hippie lady. Hippie lady? Hey, hippie lady! Oh! Ow! Oh! This inner-peace stuff is tough on the old coconut! (GRUNTS) Look, Daddy a whale egg. Oh, geez, I am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit. It's not like those permits are hard to get. You're going right back where you came from. But, Daddy, you're on vacation. Crime doesn't take a vacation. Hey, hey, hey, careful! You'll pop it! Wow, I've been a cat, a tree and Cokie Roberts. (GASPS) It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. Oh, yuck! That sandwich is full of meat! There's... bacon... Canadian bacon... Mexican bacon... (SALIVATES LOUDLY) LISA AS HOMER: And a mouthwatering veal chop. (SLURPS) Oh, no. Now I'm Dad. Oh... and I'm at a stupid, boring ballet. (YAWNS) (SNORES) LISA: Dad! Wake up! Your snoring is disturbing the dancers. How can you embarrass me like this? Ooh, you won't sit through anything that doesn't have car crashes. I'm sorry, honey. Jeez, why's she so mad at me? I only came to this dump so I could be with her. (SNORES) (SNORES) (SIGHS) (GROANS) Boy... I can really be a pain in the butt. HINGE CREAKS Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit. In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates. HOMER: # I told the witch doctor # there's tightness in my chest, bom-bom-bom-bom-bom. # I told the witch doctor he had to run a test... # Hi, sweetie. Hi, Dad. How was it? I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building. How was yours? Pretty cool, but now what do you say we go do something we'll both enjoy. Oh... like what? TYRES SCREECH CRASH! Whoa, look at that car burn. Does it get any better than this? Not to me, Dad. CARS SCREECH AND CRASH Oi! SIREN WAILS MAN ON PA: (CHUCKLES) Here comes the ambulance! Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions edited by Alison Munro. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016