Well, first off, I just wanna say I'm super excited about this. I` I think this show is gonna be amazing. Um, I just` I'm, kind of,... just worried about the name. Funny Girls. It just seems like it maybe was... thought up by a... a man. And I know you guys worked really hard on these ideas. (SCOFFS) Hard on. Speak up! I just` I think we could do a bit better! OK, that's no problem, Rose. We're really not locked into that idea at all. (CHUCKLES) OK, great. Fantastic. How about... Girls Aren't Funny? That's, uh` That's not` I didn't` We're perpetuating the stereotype that isn't true. That's why it's funny. It's like, 'Prove us wrong,' and if you don't, it's still there in the name. I'm sor` (LAUGHS) I'm sorry. I'm just not` I'm not` I'm not sold. (CHUCKLES) How about 'Ladies Having a Crack'? Oh, 'Komedy from the Kitchen', but Comedy is spelt with a 'K', because of cleverness? That's not clever. Uh, Turn Off, Men? Now, what I like about this one is it, sorta, tells the men at home what to do. What, to turn off? How about Tit Time? ALL LAUGH What? He doesn't even work here. Do you want a job, sir? Sure. (SNAPS FINGERS) Fallopian Tubes. Topless Twins. Boobies, Boobies, Ha-ha-ha. (SNICKERS) ALL CHANT: Boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies. No! That's` That's fucking terribl Not gon` These are all bad. Now, Rose, we spent a lot of time on these ideas, OK, and I'm very sorry if we don't know what women want. Eh? It's already` That's already a film, starring a very racist man. Do you, uh, see`? Do you watch things, or...? Well, fine, but you're only giving us negative feedback, and quite frankly,... you're hurting our feelings. Fine, it's` Uh, Funny Girls is great. It's great. Let's stick with that. Unless... Twat's New, Pussycat? (SNAPS FINGERS) Boom! (YELPS) You're all just shit. You're all just bloody shit. # Funny Girls! ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny, what? # Funny Girls! # This is E5 Yoga, getting you all the exclusive interviews post today's 12.10pm's expert class. Coming up ` we catch up with the next big thing in yoga ` Brianna. But first, let's check out the highlights. The bodies were limber, but the tension was high as both muscles and tempers were stretched to their limits. And the class was shaken to its strengthened core by an unforced error from Carol when she fell out of her tree. Yes, Carol fell out of tree pose. I don't know if Brianna was psyching her out or what is was. I have spoken to her, though, and she's in good spirits. She's ready to smash a cacao smoothie and hit it again tomorrow. Yeah, obviously, a little bit disappointing falling out of tree pose today, but I think I totally just rolled out of it, turned it in into interpretive dance. And, um, I know that Brianna's good, but she hasn't really got anything on me. (LAUGHS) I mean, come on, downward dog on point, and warrior pose for all the players. (LAUGHS) Yeah, so, I'm about to go to brunch with the girls, and, uh, luckily, I'm already dressed for it. So I'll see you guys later. Can you answer just one more question, please? Now on our Poser Profile, brought to you by Wheatgrass, we look at young up-and-comer Big Dee, who's been making a big impact on the yoga mat. REPORTERS CLAMOUR You've been called the rising star of Tina's classes here. How are you handling the pressure? Look, I've always said I'm not here for the accolades; I'm just here to work on my anger management. And while Dee has shown some unorthodox raw aggression in the class, many attribute her success to the possible use of performance enhancers. Uh, Big Dee, any response to the allegations that you've been using crystals to strengthen your chakras? That is bullshit! REPORTERS CLAMOUR And Dee wasn't the only one causing controversy in the class today, as Brianna had a shocking announcement. REPORTERS CLAMOUR Uh, look, I don't wanna disappoint any fans, and I know this is hard to hear, but I will not be attending class next week. Apparently, I have to be a leader at my daughter's drama camp. But, believe me, I'll be back. All right? I'm here to stay, and I'm here to play, all right? Namaste. Oh, and, Carol, watch your fucking back! REPORTERS CLAMOUR Brianna won't be taking any more questions today. E5 Yoga ` your guru for all things yoga. Namaste! So, make sure you watch Funny Girls on TV3. CHICKEN SCREECHES, WHOOPEE CUSHION FARTS Ow, uh, what did you do that for? BELL RINGS Oh, my arms got tired. Hey, what does this look like? Cos it kinda seems stupid. I wasn't watching, sorry. You're the camera guy. Yeah, and the camera was on. Wasn't it? Yes, it was. Hilarious! I'm blown away. Hi, Rose. I'm Pauline. I'm your producer. You must be Lauren. I'm Laura. Fantastic. Uh, you know, it's nice to meet you, actually. I'm so` Great. I'm so happy we've got a woman producing this show, especially with all those male execs up stairs, just, you know...? Mm, tell me about it. And, um, I assume you've met my daughter, Cassie? Oh, this is your daughter? Yeah. Yeah, she gets to spend more time with her mum, and I don't have to pay her, so it's a win-win situation. Isn't it, honey? WHISPERS: Fuck you. Do you not think we should possibly, uh, hire, like, a professional sound recordist? Oh, no, no, no. I mean, what, with computers these days ` you know, they're so modern ` we'll probably just do most of this just later on in the post-production part of the project. We do everything on computers these days. In fact, take a look at this. Sorry. No, you gotta` Oh, it's a bit jammed. That's a bit` No, that's not jammed. You're just holding it together. Oh, OK. You just need to hold it, open it. Yep. Ooh, there you go, you got it. So we've just knocked up a couple of, um, poster ideas. Where did you get that photo? Is that off my phone? I don't think so. And I thought we were changing the name ` Girls Aren't Funny. It's not that any more. It's Funny Girls. Yeah, no, the designers just haven't had time to` to do that. They've had the time to add the word 'definitely'. That's true. OK, I don't wanna break the flow. You guys are going great. Have a good one. Ciao. Bye. Where's the sound chick? What? Cassie? Cassie?! Oh, God, you get what you pay for, I guess, don't you? Cassie?! # Uh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh! Yeah. # So I said, 'I'm sorry that you've got a baby, love, 'but there are only seats in this dental clinic waiting room, and I need one of them for my laptop bag.' (CHORTLES) You bad man. (LAUGHS) Claire, I need to go to the little girls' room. Oh, um, I'll go with you. Why do they always go in pairs? Who? There you go. Oh, thanks. OK, shall we? After you? MUZAK PLAYS Yes! Sorry we took so long. (CHUCKLES) You know us girls. (CHUCKLES) What are those? Something to do with periods. Oh, Jesus Christ! (RETCHES) On the table?! TMI! Have a little decorum, ladies. ELECTRONIC MUSIC I love Career Girl. # Hey, hey, career girl. It's the game that teaches girls they can be anything they want! I got an interview for that copywriting job. My boss values me for my work and not what I look like! But watch out, girl; it's not all fun and games. Career Girl is a race against time. We've got to get everything done before our body clocks go off. ALARM RINGS What the hell? # Hey, hey, career girl. Oh, no, I just had six kids. What is this? The womb wants what the womb wants, girl. But keep playing. Maybe it will get easier. The government shortened the length of... maternity leave? Just kidding, girls. It definitely won't. The power bill's gone up, and it was due yesterday. (GASPS) I just won a journalism prize, but my husband is intimidated by my success. # Hey, hey, career girl. You go, career girl! Hey, what's he playing over there? He's playing Career Boy, the game he just can't lose. Yes, I won again. Can we play that game too? Of course you can't! Now sit back down and take what you're given. Career Girl ` the game that tells girls they can be anything. # Hey, hey, you're a career girl. # For a little time at least. ENGINE RUMBLES, REVS ENGINE REVS INDISTINCT CHATTER TENSE MUSIC HEARTBEAT THUDS ENGINE REVS GEARS CRANK, ENGINE REVS, TYRES PEAL Whoo! ENGINE ROARS, TYRES PEAL Yo! TYRES SQUEAL Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I feel like I'm in a game. BOTH: Whoo! EXCITING MUSIC LAUGHTER, TYRES SQUEAL Far out! BOTH LAUGH This is insane! POWERFUL MUSIC # Uh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # Funny Girls! # CLASSICAL MUSIC Hi there. You here for the comedy show? Hmm, yes. That is so great. I love laughing. Sometimes I laugh so much that I laugh actually at nothing at all. (LAUGHS) You know that really funny car commercial, that one that's new? Hmm, no, I don't. I can't remember a thing about it either, but it is so funny. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) So, what were you thinking today? Um, just a` just a really natural look. Um, I just` You know, normal. And so were you thinking more of the cat or the tiger? Sorry, what? I... Hmm, I think you're right. I think a tiger. The kids are like, 'Oh, I want to be a cat,' but actually, a tiger's a big cat ` let's be honest. Hang on, are you a face-painter? Yeah, did the fairy wings not give me away? (GIGGLES) Well, yeah, that was a bit weird when I walked in. Um, I don't think that this is the right thing that we're doing. I think I might have to have a chat to the producer. Ooh, my ears are burning. Hey, Rose. Great, you've met Jasmine ` best in the business. What are you thinking ` the cat or the tiger? Actually, for this job, I was thinking the tiger, b-b-but a majestic tiger. I'm thinking more of, like, a human being, sort of, maybe. Can we do a human? I-I-I can't do humans. I don't wanna be, like, a diva or anything. I just think that maybe this isn't, like` Um, I shouldn't be a tiger for the next sketch, because it doesn't make sense. OK, I'm hearing you, but when I'm looking at you ` and we're working in a visual medium ` I am seeing fierce, bold and extremely cheap. Cheap? Chic. Extremely chic. I've gotta get back to my computer. I'm gonna leave you in the capable hands of Jasmine. So chin up, keep working. Ciao, ciao. Pauline, I don't think this is a... Hmm. WHISPERS: Don't tell her, but what she doesn't know is that I don't have capable hands. They're actually riddled with arthritis, and I can't feel my pinky finger. Sometimes the feeling comes back at one, but... it could be a phantom feeling. FUNKY MUSIC Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC RUSTLING, HEAVY BREATHING Juliet! I cannot bear to be apart from thee for another second. (SIGHS) If only I could kiss thee all day. If only a kiss could last a lifetime. If only a kiss could last beyond a lifetime and our rotting corpses could kiss forever. Hmm. Hmm. Alas, my parents forbade us from seeing each other. Fie, fie! A vow I make right here and now ` together we must stay and at any cost. I have devised a plan which would find a way for us to stay together. Sweet Romeo, tell me and with haste! First you must drink this poison` Sorry, what? ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS And then after you've drunk the poison, I will drink the poison, and then our souls will be intertwined forever. Oh, what, poison? Yeah, so you drink the poison, and then after you drink the poison, I drink the poison` No, no, I get the plan. Oh. I just` I... Where` Where did you even get poison from? What does it matter what unsanitary wench I purchased this vial from? All that matters is us. So... all you've gotta do is have a little sip. And just down the hatch, just` No, stop. Sorry. I've got a few questions re the plan. Why do I have to drink the poison before you drink the poison? Because you are my greatest love, and so you deserve the great reward sooner. Dude, we're 14. But you have the bosom of a woman of a much greater age. Oh, thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. But, I dunno, maybe` maybe we're rushing things a bit. We're just so young. You know, we haven't even been to third base yet. What is third base? Sort of, just like mouth-to-genital stuff, you know? I dunno! Maybe we're just, you know, jumping the gun a bit. No, not a gun ` poison! OK, the more you say poison, right, the less keen I am on the idea. You know what I mean? How about ` new plan ` steal some of my dad's wine, get a bit tipsy, little handjob for you ` little treat. You toddle on off home, and we both continue living. (CHUCKLES) Please, sweet Juliet, just a little sip. Just a tiny little` No, you know what? You know what? You do this all the time; we make plans together, and you always bail. OK, what if I do it and you freak out and you don't do it? Well, then I will think of you every day. No! No. OK, we're not doing this, all right? I thought you were crazy and passionate, but now I'm just, sort of, realising you might just be cra` crazy ` legit crazy. I'm sorry. You should probably go. If the fair lady demands it. ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS No. Uh, do` does thou remember saying anything about a handjob? < Get out. OK. No, all right. FUNKY MUSIC VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS Are you not even gonna try and make conversation? What would you like to ask Jeeves? Nothing! How about you ask me something for once, Jeeves? Like, 'How was your day?' Or, 'When was the last time you reached climax in the bedroom?' There are no results for that particular question. Yeah, no fucking shit. FUNKY MUSIC Created by Doug Ellin. And that was the entire plot to all seven seasons of Entourage and the Entourage movie. I need to go to the little girls' room. Ooh, ooh, when you're back, we'll get started on The Blacklist. Can't wait. I'll come with you. I love The Blacklist. Favourite episode? Um, the first one. Oh, yeah. (GAGS) I need to cull him. Yep, don't breed with that. OK, come on. Ah, welcome, everybody, to the Secret Lady UN ` directly located under the normal UN. I don't know why I always tell you this, since you all know. BOTH CHUCKLE Sorry we're late, everyone. (CHUCKLES) So where did everyone come from today? I came from the dunny at a Hungry Jacks in Melbourne. The restroom in the Statue of Liberty. Oh, wow, is that in the`? Yes, that is the one located that is located in the butt, yeah. Now, we have a lot to cover today, ladies. First up, reaching a comprehensive settlement to the Cyprus issue. Ooh, actually, just before we start, um, does anyone have a pen I could borrow? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. ALL MURMUR There's got to be one in here somewhere. ALL MURMUR You know what? I do not. ALL MURMUR Oh, I've got` Oh, I've got an eyeliner. DRAMATIC MUSIC, INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION DRAMATIC MUSIC, INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION CONTINUES Whoo, it has been a long three days,... but we've reached a settlement everyone will be happy with. Hi. Have you guys just been sitting here for the last three days? Yeah. Could we start eating now? Yes, you can. Oh, thanks. (CHUCKLES) CELL PHONE VIBRATES Hey, the UN solved that Cyprus thing. Oh, goes over my head. Yeah. BOTH CHUCKLE # Uh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # Funny Girls! # AIRY CLASSICAL MUSIC What the hell? Wow. (CHUCKLES) What sort of cat are you supposed to be? I'm actually supposed to be more of like a majestic tiger thing. All right. Snack time, eh? It would be if our cheapskate producer hadn't replaced all the food with fake cut-outs of food. But I think it's really important to have a producer that really supports you, right? This is a show about how women can do whatever they want, right? And... (GROANS) Do you want some help there? No, it's fine. OK, you might just have slippery hands. I've got very dry hands. It's good for jar opening. Look, I don't need you to help me open the jam, OK? Because I'm a strong, confident, independent woman, who can make her own decisions. Are we still talking about the jam, or is the jam now a metaphor? It's the jam! (GRUNTS) SMASH! KNIFE SCRAPES Delicious. It's got glass in it, so not gonna eat this one. BELL RINGS ALL LAUGH And so we were going to the movies and Ryan was gonna leave the house in trackpants. I hate that. So annoying! Well, Adam always uses my expensive moisturiser. It's so annoying! Uh, I mean, tell me about it. Alex keeps going on these long working weekends, and I'm not allowed to go with him, so we never spend time together any more. (LAUGHS) Ryan's gonna have all his mates over for the game tonight, and they're gonna be in the lounge. They're gonna be so loud. I'm like, '(SCOFFS) Can you just go somewhere else?' I hate men. I give up. Me too! I mean, well, Alex didn't even tell me about his second cell phone, and I'm like, 'Wait, you won't let me have an iPad, but you get to have two phones?' Like, that's not fair. That's so annoying! Yeah. And don't get me started on the toilet seat, though, am I right? Yes. > And how they never wear deodorant. ALL LAUGH Yeah. And when you see the bank statements, and they're bought all this expensive jewellery, but they've never given it to you. I'm like, 'Where are you hiding it?' (LAUGHS) Or` Or how they're always giving their friend Sarah from work friendship kisses? (SCOFFS) Friendship... My boyfriend is totally cheating on me, eh? Yeah. Yeah, he is. 100%. FUNKY MUSIC So that's why, ever since I saw the movie, I've had cameras set up all around the bedroom 24-7. There'll be no toys coming to life in my house. You do know that movie's not real, eh? Sorry, you have video cameras in our bedroom? (CHUCKLES) Don't worry, love. I record all the sex. Yeah, that's what I am worried about. I said, 'Don't worry.' Right, well, we're gonna go piss. Again. I believe that about toys too. I'm so worked up. Do you reckon he's gonna upload that stuff? Nah, not with a dick that size. Oh, yeah, good point. You ready? Let's roll. Sorry. Soz. You go. OK. You ready?! (EXHALES) You ready?! Let's fucking do this! GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS BOOM Delta, Charlie, Tango, the fox is in the henhouse, taking heavy fire. (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) Watch out! EARS RINGING (CHOKES) Come on, let's get out of here! EXPLOSIONS BOOM DOOR THUDS OPEN Delta, Charlie, we have the president's daughter and moving to the evac point. Come on, sweetheart. EXPLOSION BOOMS EARS RINGING DRAMATIC MUSIC Come on! I'm not leaving you! You stay here and we both get killed and our sacrifice means nothing. I'm not gonna let that happen. EXPLOSION BOOMS You... take the president's daughter. You get the hell out of this shithole and you live a life for both of us ` you promise? (SOBS) Promise me. > Promise me! I promise. I promise. (SOBS) PLANE APPROACHES, MISSILE WHISTLES TOILET FLUSHES OK, off you go. Go on. That's it. Well, hey, boys. Ooh, how about some dessert? Is that the president's daughter? Is it? I dunno. W-Where's Laura? Probably taking a shit or something. Ooh, this sundae looks num-nums. I'm gonna use the bathroom. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go` No, you won't. Bathroom time is alone time. I-I know. M-My bad. DOOR CREAKS MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY IN THE DISTANCE MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY QUIETLY IN THE DISTANCE UPBEAT MUSIC Are you sure you're OK? She hit you across the head with the mike, like, 10 times. Yeah, yeah, nah, I'm totally fine. (LAUGHS) See you tomorrow. It's Friday. OK, well, I'll see you on a Friday. Hey, Rose. Just been watching some of the sketches, and I just wanna say, 'Great job.' Mm, did you like them? Oh, uh, personally, I prefer drama, like House of Cards. Do you watch House of Cards? I don't watch House of Cards, no. Well, anyway, um, I just wanted to say sorry. I've been a bit all over the show. I'm a bit new to the TV business. I actually, um, specialise in property management. I'm a property manager. How did you get this job? Oh, well, it was a bit of a mix-up, bit of a` bit of a prank, really, but... long story, but, look, th-the point is ` I really wanna learn, and I really want to help you girls make a great show, OK? So what I've done is I've fired my daughter. Well, she quit. And next week we're gonna record all of the sound, and no more face paint, I promise. And I know you don't like the title of the show, so what I've done is I went upstairs; I had a chat to the boys,... and we've got a new title. Really? Yeah. Check it out. I asked around, and they said this is the one you liked. I wouldn't have gone with it myself, but, hey, I'm not the comedian. We're gonna kill it on the fucking merch. Great work. See you tomorrow. Oh no. That's... (SIGHS) God. Captions by Antony Vlug. Edited by Faith Hamblyn. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016. Thank you NZ on Air for making me a career girl! No, seriously, thank you so much.