OK, so here we are ` Funny Girls, season one, episode two ` and none of it is remotely useable. Rubbish. Can't film any of it, OK? You know we have that on, like, computers, just, like, in a Word doc? We can print that out again. Yeah, but it's symbolic, isn't it? Look, I know I'm no expert on comedy, but my focus group didn't like it one bit. Who's your focus group? I just finished reading it to my daughter Cassie. Didn't laugh once. She's wearing her headphones. Come on, Pauline. There were some really good ideas in there. What about Girl Batman? Isn't that just Batgirl? No. Look, I can't understand a single word that you two are saying, OK? And that's why I've decided to be a lot more hands on. From now on, Pauline will be shadowing you around, and Pauline's paws are going to be over every aspect of this show. That is a worse idea than Back to the Fuchsia. Hey, that was my idea. It wasn't` Yeah, I was gonna talk to you about it later, but it's not` it wasn't good, and it wasn't a good one to come` OK, Miss Suspended From School, let's go. What for? Fire-starting. Eh! Suspected fire-starting. OK, ladies. Let's get out there and make an episode of accessible sketch comedy maintaining an empowering outlook for women. Come on! It sounds so bad when you pitch it like that. She's scary. # Funny girls. ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny what? # Funny girls! # Now, Gracie goes to bed at 8.30 latest, all right? (WHISPERS) And don't give her any sugary drinks, otherwise she will be up all fucking night. (WHISPERS) OK. Seriously. So you just help yourself to anything in the fridge, kitchen, pantry ` all yours. Make yourself at home. ECHOING: Make yourself at home. Make yourself at home. Make yourself at home. Make yourself at home. MUSIC STARTS RAPS: # I make myself at home. # I make myself at home. # I make myself at home. # I make myself at home. # Ha ha ha. # These chips ` they're mine. # Your perfume ` it's mine. # Your heater ` it's mine. # I'm drinkin' your wine. # Know I'm gonna use all this power. # Nappin' on the couch, $10 an hour. # Breaking the rules about having boys over. # Gonna get to second base on your sofa. # Stealing all your lotion. # These bikies weren't open. I'm back! Shit. Shit. Shit! < Just forgot my phone. All right, get` get your pants on. Fuck! # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # PHONE RINGS CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to Don't Check Your Phone, the gameshow where these contestants stand to win $50,000 right here, right now, as long as you... AUDIENCE: Don't check your phone! (LAUGHS) Your time starts now. UPBEAT MUSIC CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE CHIMES CELL PHONE BUZZES CELL PHONE CHIMES MUSIC ENDS Right. Sorry. I was not paying attention to that last round, so you all win $50,000. How does it feel? (CHUCKLES) CELL PHONE NOISES No, I can't make that appointment. UPBEAT MUSIC I'm just a normal 18-year-old girl. I graduated from high school. I have a great baby-sitting job. Yeah! You gonna cry now? And that guy over there? No, he's not a car model. That's my boyfriend, Jed. I was on top of the world. That was... until I wound up here. You guessed it ` I'm in prison! (GIGGLES) The fuck are you talking to? Oh. (CHUCKLES) Lock in your Thursdays with Dope! I'm in Prison. How long have you been smuggling drugs, Dana? Mom, you know how bad I am at keeping track of time. Sweetheart, you killed a man. Parents! Am I right? (CHUCKLES) They can be such a drag, but lucky for me, mine can only visit once a month. (CHUCKLES) I mean, things aren't all bad here. We get free food. (CHUCKLES) Here's your lunch, arsehole. Oh. I'm sorry, do you guys have any, like, gluten-free or vegan-vegetarian options? (SPITS) Good one, Dana ` you just made a new friend. (LAUGHS) Everyone here is really different than my friends at Sunnydale High. I'm gonna make you my bitch. LAUGHTER But they're each special and unique in their own way. (LAUGHS) You better step the fuck off, bitch. Hey, Jill, who's your favourite member of One Direction? I'm gonna kick you in the head. She obviously means Niall. (CHUCKLES) It's really fun in here, but I am gonna get out. Lucky my lawyer is working around the clock to make sure that that happens. I'm sorry, Dana. We can't get you an early release. They're gonna give you the chair. The chair? What is this? Like, a wrestling match or something? (LAUGHS) Dana, this is prison. The person you killed was the president's son. What? No. You're funny. You're so funny. I have a question ` like, where is the camera on this? Because it's like I'm looking at it and I can't` Is there, like, a reverse`? Like, a reverse mode? Well, who'd have thunk that prison would be so whackadoo? Well, I certainly learnt my lesson, and some lessons that I wasn't even expecting to, and honestly, if I could do it all again, I would ` treason and all. (CHUCKLES) Oh. Where are we going? ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Lock it in Thursdays at 6, right after My Dad Ate My Brains, only on Nick Junior. Hi, guys. Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. I'm sorry I haven't uploaded a video for a while. My dad went to prison for tax fraud, and my mum's had me shredding documents, like, all week, so (GROANS) that's finally over, so we can get back to it. Um, today I'm just gonna teach you, like, a very simple, elegant, everyday look that we can just use every day. Really good for wearing` Oh my God, I look like shit. So we're gonna take this liquid eyeliner pen and we're just going to` Now, this is like` You just gotta, like, kind of be confident with this. Like, basically we're gonna do just one line from the cheekbone. VOICEOVER: Now, obviously I've used black here, but you can use whatever colour you want, and we really want some definition around the head ` that's really important ` and, of course, hairs on the balls are optional. It's totally your preference, but, uh, I love me some hairy balls, so they're going on. (LAUGHS) So there we go. A really nice natural look that your can wear every day. So, um, if you like this video of me drawing a dick on my face, please subscribe to my channel. Um, there should be a button come up right here, and, uh, yeah. Have a great week, guys. See ya later. # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # Hai! Hai, hai, hai. Hai! KNOCK ON DOOR Time for me to get my money. Come in! Looks like you finally came around, pig. Uh, uh, cut. Cut! BELL RINGS OK. Uh, sorry, I know it's not my place, but I just felt like you were being a bit rude when she came through the door. Do you mean me, or do you`? The cha` The character, or`? Yeah, again, it's` it's not my place, but in the real estate business, if we have someone come through the door, we often greet them with a friendly, you know, 'Hello, and how are you? 'Um, I know it's not much to look at, but the potential here is incredible.' Pauline, we're not selling a house. Well, n` (LAUGHS) Well, not at this rate, you're not. And I'd also, like, maybe hang a` like, a picture frame over some of this stained wallpaper. Sorry. Um, Pauline, I think maybe you should reconsider just how hands-on you are when we're filming` when we're on set, cos I just don't think it's a really good idea for you to be here all the time and interrupting. Sure, sure. I'd also like you to, um, consider baking some bread. I mean, the smell creates a really inviting atmosphere, and I was thinking that maybe Cassie could bake some bread. I` I think she's already baked as it is. (CHUCKLES) Great news. OK! No, she's` Let's, uh, take it from the top. Can I say 'action'? Great. Quickly, Lauren. Action! You might wanna not stand in front of the camera. (CHUCKLES) Sorry. This is so exciting for me. And second action! KNOCK ON DOOR Time for me to get my money. Come in! Come in. Thank you Really good. Really, really good. > Can you not talk during the take? (WHISPERING) Just carry on. Carry on. Carry on. And cut! BELL RINGS Beautiful. Beautiful. ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS Swimmers have the best bodies ` lovely broad shoulders. Nah, there's an even better one in here. Oh, careful. You're getting pretty deep in there. Um, I think I know how to Insta. OMINOUS MUSIC Emma, no! What did you just do? I just liked an 84-week-old shirtless photo. Well, can't you unlike it? (GASPING) It's too late. Pack your bags. You're coming with us. Who are you? Who's that? Only the best social media faux pas assessment agent in this country. That's a thing? I'm Marian Damage, and I'm in control. DRAMATIC MUSIC All right, team, we've got an 85-week-deep Insta like. You're gonna have to camp here while this dies down. This seems like a lot of effort. I mean, I just made a mistake. (SCOFFS) Social media incident repair is a billion dollar industry, kid. This guy is the whole package. Do you really want him to think you're a creep just because of one lousy double-tap? OK, so I've hacked his account and tried to delete the notification ` no dice. Can't get past the security question. Mother's maiden name? Childhood best friend. Goddammit. That's entirely subjective. Twins, how are you going with the distraction? I've set up a series of decoy accounts to like a bunch of photos at random. We bombard his feed with likes ` might be enough to bury the rogue 85-weeker. Are you sure it won't look fake? Come on, Marian. BOTH: We're the twins. Um, who's paying for all this? Emma, do you have a younger sibling or a pet who we could say was on your phone at the time? Preferably one with thumbs. No, I really don't. Goddammit! Emma, we may have to look at you owning up to it. Trevor, don't! Because sometimes, you have to be up front with people about how you feel about them, or it can severely affect things down the line. Not here. Not at work! DRAMATIC MUSIC BOTH PANT AND GASP DRAMATIC MUSIC Marian, I can confirm subject is at the pool. RT: He has not seen the like yet. Oh, he does have lovely shoulders. I've got a clear shot. Just give me the word. Make the shot. < Wait! We got a name of a childhood best friend. You're not gonna like who it is. The President of the United States of America? (CHUCKLES) Leave him to me. DRAMATIC MUSIC Aw, it's lovely seeing you this weekend. It's a pity your father couldn't come, but someone has to stay home and look after the cat. (LAUGHS) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, I'd better start making tracks. You know I like to get to the airport with plenty of time to spare. How about we pop in at the supermarket on the way to the airport and I'll get some groceries for your flat? CLATTER ECHOES MUSIC STARTS RAPS: # Yeah, yeah. # This song's all about being generous with your money, # so thank your mum. # Got that mum money. Yeah, I got that mum money. # Got that mum money. Yeah, I got that mum money. # Got that mum money. Yeah, I got that mum money. # Got that mum money. Yeah, I got that mum money. # Everything I want and nothing that I need. # With the cheddar, I don't buy cheddar, I buy stinky cheese. # Don't care how much it costs, buy some lovely body wash. # Organic soya sauce. Feeling fancy, feeling posh. # Makin' it rain with bread cut wholegrain. # Fill my freezer full of meat. This bitch insane. # Chuck it in the trolley without checking the price. # Wine for my flatmates. My mum's so nice. # (GASPS) I'm sorry, darling. I might be pushing it to get to the airport with only three hours to spare. Let's do the groceries next time, all right? (ECHOING) Coco Love. I'm Rose Matafeo for Coco Love. Coco Love is a new refreshing beverage that brings all the exotic flavours of the tropics directly to you. It's filled with hydrating electrolytes, energising minerals, and the taste... (ECHOING) Coco Love. Oh, hi, Rose. Are you drinking Coco Love? Yum! (LAUGHS) When I think 'summer', I think... (CHOKES) (ECHOING) Coco Love. Oh, hey, girls. Coco Love is great after an intense sports match. It's the hydrating power that makes you feel... so good. So good. Coco Love ` Rihanna drinks it, so I guess we all have to now. ALL: Coco Love. Because tasting good... ...has nothing to do with good taste. Coco Love. May not contain actual coconut. I'm not sure what end it's gonna come out. I'm wearing white. You're wearing white. We can't` Oh, my God. Oh, my God, don't touch me. Don't touch me! ENGINE RUMBLES, REVS ENGINE REVS INDISTINCT CHATTER TENSE MUSIC HEARTBEAT THUDS ENGINE REVS GEARS CRANK, ENGINE REVS, TYRES PEAL Whoo! ENGINE ROARS, TYRES PEAL Yo! TYRES SQUEAL Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I feel like I'm in a game. BOTH: Whoo! EXCITING MUSIC LAUGHTER, TYRES SQUEAL Far out! BOTH LAUGH This is insane! POWERFUL MUSIC # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # UPBEAT CLASSICAL MUSIC Oh, God! Ooh, sweetie, have you ever considered using eye cream? Cos you're looking a little stressed. Yeah, no, it's just been a really stressful week, to be honest. Mm. Pauline has just been s` Oh, no, it's all good. It looks like she's taken over as head chef at catering. Oh God, make sure she wears gloves. Jesus. It's just like I'm babysitting all of the time now. You know what? I'm calling it now ` I'm never having kids, ever. Oh honey, you'd be great with kids. No, seriously. I have a 3-year-old niece, right? It was my birthday last week. She wrote, 'To whom it may concern,' in the card. Well, having kids ` greatest experience of my life. GLASS SMASHES CHILDREN CHATTER AND LAUGH Jackson, put the lighter down! Ashton, that is not your iPhone, sweetie. Oh, shit, that's mine! Sorry, I` Sorry for swearing. Give the phone to the tired lady. Now what do you say? Shit! Be at the ready. (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) Approachable boss approaching. No, no, no, no. You are not allowed to do my makeup, all right? I would not change a thing. Shaz, if you need some help with the kids, my daughter Cassie could do with a little bit of dosh. Uh` Oh. Actually, on second thoughts, I don't think our children should meet. It's a fair call. # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS Wow. I have no words. What a beautiful and important film. Yeah. Shall we go? Yeah. I just feel like everyone should have to see that film, you know? That scene on the boat where they made love ` so tender and so moving. Oh my God, I know. What about when the husband was getting killed by the virus? Like, I am just getting emotional thinking about it now. I literally have goosebumps. Oh, it was just so visceral. Where was it filmed again? Um, I think it was, like, Canada or something. I just feel like this film, like, actually changed my life. Well, you look different. Seriously? Cos I feel different. Yeah, like, you look the same, but, like, something's different. Changed. Yeah, changed. Completely changed. (SIGHS) God, I hope there's a sequel. Oh, same. Beautiful film, wasn't it? Stunning. Just profound. Absolutely stunning. Oh, you are so lucky working here and getting to see amazing films like this every day. I wish I had your life. Oh, I hate conferences. They're so bloody boring. Oh, and Sarah Kendrick's so gonna get Salesperson of the Year again. Oh, only because she's making out with Tim. (SCOFFS) Yeah. Still, can't complain about the free hotel room, eh? MUSIC STARTS # We 'bout that hotel life. # Live it up in a hotel like # We 'bout that hotel, hotel life. RAPS: # Free pillow mints on arrival. RAPS: # Did you know you're allowed to take the Bible? # Face flannel. # Movie channel. # Using all the water ` opposite of a camel. # Slipping slippers in my purse. Yeah, I'm taking advantage. # Hotel staff gonna clean up the carnage. # Ain't no way I'm gonna leave my bed made, # because you get paid to make my bed, maid. # Stealing all these tiny shampoos. # Sipping on free miniature booze. # Wear two robes. Don't care what you think. # Pouring free lemonade down the sink. # King singles. # Free Pringles. Wait, Rose, what the hell are you doing? Yo, hold up. I'm sorting some free room service. No, no, no. Those things definitely are not free. They're very overpriced. But the Pringles are free, right? No, they're $15. (GASPS) A tube. Oh my God, I used so many tubes of them to make my tube man. What? You didn't even eat any of the chips! Oh, but they made my mouth dry. Oh, does this mean I have to pay for those male strippers? We are not doing this for free. Do you accept payment in the currency of floor chips? No? You're running a business. I get it. (VIDEO) WOMAN: I can see my future. It's just amazing, isn't it? That one big, giant episode of television can be made on one tiny little computer. I mean, you editors do a hell of a job. Well, actually, the only thing these computers are really good for is they get so hot, you can reheat your fish and chips on them. Probably needs another minute or so. Anyway, uh, this is what I've managed to put together from today's rushes. VIDEO: OK, cut. Cut! BELL RINGS Action! OK, well done. Keep up the energy. Action. Do you have any shots without me in them? Uh, yeah, but I think in all of them you're eating bhuja mix too close to the sound guy. Yeah, I was. That's right. CRUNCHING AND CHEWING SOUNDS OK, you can turn it off. I've seen enough. Right, well, I might not know much about comedy, but I do know that there is absolutely no way we can put any of that on television, so from here on in, I am going to be leaving the writing and performing to you two, OK? You mean me` You mean me and Laura. He's an editor. He doesn't write. Well, I could, but... Oh, come on, Jermaine. Look, (CHUCKLES) I mean, this whole thing's obviously a lot harder than it first looks. Um, I'll see you guys tomorrow, OK? Yeah, not` not too much though, all right? (LAUGHS) That's why she's the comedian. Seriously though, don't` don't come on set tomorrow. See ya. See ya. You don't think we could chuck that back on for a little minute, do you? Just... Sure. I mean, it's kind of thrilling seeing yourself on screen, isn't it? Yep, a little bit. And action. Ooh, there she is. (LAUGHS) Ooh, there she is again. (LAUGHS) Do you have a girlfriend? Yes. VIDEO: We're gonna go again, and action! Captioned by Catherine de Chalain Edited by June Yeow. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 Thanks NZ on Air for all that mum money. Holla!