You wanted to see me? Oh, hey. Great, great, great. (SIGHS) I've been having a mare of a day. My laptop has just stopped working. Is it just out of battery? What do you mean? COMPUTER CHIMES Oh my God. Oh my God, it has just come back to life. Rose, you are a bloody genius. I'm honestly not. That's just how laptops work. Yeah, I'm not really into the kind of science-y part of it. But hey, have I got some good news for you? We are getting some great feedback on the sexy billboard. Look at that, bro. (WOLF WHISTLES) Yeah, OK, about that. You know it's called Funny Girls, right? Is it? Funny Girls... Ah shit. Do you seriously have a Post-it note reminding you what the show is called? Hey. But there is a lot of heat around that billboard. We have had car crashes. We had a guy have a heart attack underneath it yesterday. I mean, apparently he had very high cholesterol, but I am blaming it on that billboard. None of those things sound good, Pauline. My point is ` sex sells. And I wanna see some more sex in the show. I wanna see some more stuff like this. VIDEO: WOMEN MOAN EROTICALLY That is` That's hard-core pornography, Pauline. You can't... watch that here. < Jesus. It's not that hard-core. God, not compared to this. No, no, no, no. OK, message received. Sex it up. Great. We'll rewrite some stuff. It'll be fine. Thank you for another great meeting. Great. Hey, Rose, just before you go, just about that battery thingummy thing. Does that mean that these might still work as well? ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny Girls! # Funny, what? # Funny Girls! # What happens when you take one house and drop in four legendary lads... This place is tight! This house is fuckin' slammin'. I'm gonna have sex in this bedroom. Yeah, all right! All right! Yeah! This is gonna be fuckin' awesome. Got my flat peak. Got my dragon shirt. BOTH YELL I'm ready to slam some babes, bro. Bros, it's time to meet the sisters. Oh yeah, bro. ...then bring in four bangin' babes? ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC I'm gonna fuck so many bitches! You get a show premise so perfect, you'll be surprised it didn't already exist. And the best part ` there's absolutely no catch. But... there's a catch. ALL: Ohhhh! Shit! Kendall? Declan? Bro, all the sisters are our actual sisters. Ashleigh? Lachy? Abby. Jordan. Connie. Ronnie? Big brother's getting a visit from his little sister. It's a recipe for sistaster. ALL: Sister House! Welcome to Sister House. FUNKY THEME MUSIC You get laid last night, bro? You know it, brother. Niiice. Yeah, yeah, and... Just nailing it, bro. Why did I say 'nice'? I knew that it was a one-in-four chance it was with my sister. If it helps, we used protection. I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to have sex with someone's sister, whilst not letting anyone else have sex with my sister. Lachy will saying things like, 'Oh my gosh, like, are your boobs real?' Or, like, things like that, that I'm like, 'Oh my gosh, Lachy, stop it.' But I really like it. (GIGGLES) Lachy get your fucking hands off my sister, bro! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, hey. I wanna fuck her, but then, like, Declan's my bro in the house, so he's like my brother. Aargh! Aargh! YELLING I can't fuck my brother's sister, cos then that's like fucking my sister... Get off her! Get off her! It's just so fucking confusing. 'SISTER HOUSE' THEME HIP-HOP MUSIC So, hear it's your birthday this weekend. Are you partying? Party, party, party. I was thinking of just having, like, a small get-together with, like, some close friends. Maybe` Maybe, like, cheese platter. Classy. Are you having a party, Carol? Um, yeah, just for, like, close friends. I am so there. Catch you on the flip. WHISPERS: I wasn't gonna invite Linda. Did she say, 'Catch you on the flip'? Hey, Runt. I hear you're having a party this weekend. If it doesn't totally blow, then I might be there. I'm sorry, who are you? And why would I invite you to my party after you were just really mean to me? (LAUGHS) For social status. You're such a loser. (SMOOCHES) Love ya. Oh my God. (GASPS) Who was that? Carol, I think your party is turning into a '90s-teen-movie party. Wait, what? OK. So, what happens is, like, an uptight nerd like yourself ` no offence ` is having a party. But then it completely blows up. Pow! But I don't want a big party. Yeah, but that's exactly what an uptight nerd would say in a '90s teen movie, right? I also bet that you don't want me to take these flyers and throw them down the office stairwell. SOFT ROCK MUSIC All right, keg delivery for Carol Stevenson. Oh, hey. You 21, young lady? OK, first of all, the drinking age here is 18. And I'm 27. And, no, I did not order any kegs, cos I'm not having a party. (GASPS) Oh. My. God. It's Brad, the captain of the office football team. Since when did our office have a football team? I don't know. Hey, Carol. GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS Whoa. You're actually really beautiful without glasses. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) See you tonight. SLURRED: See you tonight. This is gonna be awesome. Wh` Whoa, how did you do that? We were right` Where did all these people come from? (LAUGHS) I don't know. But guess who's here. Maybe tonight's the night you'll finally lose your V-plates. But wait, no, no. I have a boyfriend. And I will have sex at some point. PHONE RINGS Hello. Hello, Carol? Dad? Just ringing to say we're coming home early. I thought you were away all weekend? What's that loud music I can hear? You'd better not be having a '90s party, young lady. You know my house is full of expensive vases. Wait, hold up a second. You don't even live here. This is my flat. All right, that's it. MUSIC STOPS AMERICAN ACCENT: All right, listen up. Party's over. That means everybody needs to scram. 'Stoners, jocks, 'mean girls, deans dressed as students. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) 'Out!' Loser. SIRENS WAIL It's the cops! Scatter! ROCK MUSIC Carol, come on. The party's over. For everyone else it is. For me, it's just getting started. LIGHT-HEARTED POP MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC WOMAN: Hey, you. Spending the night in? Feeling a little hungry for some hot action? Well, pick up the phone and call the Food Hotline. (MAN) WHISPERS: Food Hotline. The only hotline dedicated to describing food. And what are you gonna do next? I'm gonna slide it in... the oven ` on a tray. How hot? 180 degrees on fan bake. Now to get started on the mascarpone sorbet. Our team of culinary conversationalists are always cooking. And they wanna tell you about it. I've pricked them. And they both look good to go. (SIGHS BLISSFULLY) Whether you're seven-day-juice-cleanse-detox crash dieting... Tell me what it tastes like, Goddammit! ...or binge eating post-break-up chips and wishing they were something else, everyone loves hearing about food. (GROANS) (MAN) WHISPERS: Food Hotline. And have you made a sauce to go with that? Hollandaise. Oh God, yes. Babe, can we have sex now? Fuck off. Oh, no, sorry, not you. Keep going. (MAN) WHISPERS: Food Hotline. Food Hotline ` for real food lovers. Oh my God. Oh my God, it has just come back to life. Rose, you are a bloody genius. 'FUNNY GIRLS' THEME LIVELY MUSIC Oh, it's good to see your stubble's holding out well. Um, no, I'm not wearing any. Oh, OK. Well, um, (CLEARS THROAT) I'll just shade in what's already there. Ooh, wassup, baby girl? (LAUGHS) So, do you think this is what Pauline had in mind when she told you to sex it up? I don't know. I think it's sexy. And I think it's actually comfortable as well. Like, look at how much room is in these shorts for my massive D. Feels good. Feels powerful. Feel it. Do it. Not mine ` yours. Your own one. Oh, squidgy. I know, right? Yeah. You know, I actually sometimes get jealous that men have dicks, you know? Yeah, same. You know, like, if I had a boner, it would be better than normal ones. Like, it would have, like, a cool LED light on the end of it. I have the same thought, but with, like, sound effects. Like, I'd have Halloween spooky sound effects on mine. Like, as it rose, it would have the sound of, like, a creaky door. And, like, when I climaxed, I'd, like, play, like, a ghost kind of whooing, like 'Whoo!' Yeah. If like` I mean, if I had a boner, like, it would be a real multimedia experience. Mm-hm. Totally. I just wonder what they feel like sometimes. Me too. Sort of like one of those water snake balloons that you get from a $2 shop, you know, and they keep slipping through your hands. That is a great description. I meant, though, what does it feel like to have a boner. Like, we'll never know. And that kinda makes me a bit sad. Hey. What does it feel like to get a boner? Uh... It's like... a cold thumb getting hot. ALL EXHALE QUIETLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC Previously on Sister House... This is gonna be fuckin' awesome. Bro, all the sisters are our actual sisters. Right hand ` blue. You get off my sister! Everyone's like, 'Kendall, you're such a slut.' But I'm not. I just do slutty things. That doesn't make you a slut, you know what I mean? (SOBS) ALL YELL This is a fucked-up show, man. 'SISTER HOUSE' THEME ALL: Sister House! So, I have this, kind of, plan that tonight I'm going to do, like, a degustation but with all the guys. Kendall?! Wait, Declan? I did not go into Declan's room thinking it was another boy's room. That's disgusting. I would never do that. What did you`?! Who did you think I was?! Everyone stay the fuck away from my sister! My sister's kinda hot. And it's confusing. 'SISTER HOUSE' THEME We should have got a longer pole. Here, just turn it on an angle. Hey. Do you want some help? Um, yeah, that'd be amazing. Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Sure. (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) You're welcome. ELECTRONIC MUSIC Hey. Heeey. Ooh, what have you got there for lunch? It's actually a homemade tuna-and-feta salad. I'm trying not to eat bread at the moment, cos I watched this documentary last night on how bread is actually poisonous or something bad. Oh yeah. I heard that documentary is chilling. Yeah. Well, I mean, I only watched the first half of it, but it was chilling. What have you got? I'm glad you asked. I've just got some unsweetened yoghurt and some plain rice crackers. I'm actually not eating sugar at the moment, because last week I saw the first 15 minutes of this documentary about how sugar is really bad for you, and big sugar is secretly giving us all brain cancer. Brain cancer? Mm, yeah, yeah. I watched, like, the first five minutes of that last year, and I haven't eaten sugar since. It was (WHISPERS) chilling. So chilling. What have you got? Oh, OK, so, like, last night I watched 30 seconds of this trailer, with the sound off, of this documentary on how eating dairy is worse than smoking meth. Yeah. Big dairy is giving us, like, diabetes, eczema, brain cancer or something bad. So I'm just drinking water and snacking on soft nuts. Oh my God, that is so chilling. Chill-ing. Well, the other day I was driving to work, and I saw someone on their phone, and I caught a split-second glimpse of them tweeting about this Kickstarter for a documentary which basically says that drinking tap water is worse than drinking gasoline. And drinking tap water actually dissolves your insides and makes it into organ soup, and soon we're all just gonna be filled with organ soup and brain cancer or something bad like that. So I'm just sucking on this moss-covered river rock. Oh my God. That is so chilling. I had to put on a sweater cos I was, like, physically chilled. Chilling. That is chilling. Hey, have you got any more of those rocks? Yeah. Thanks so much. Here's to not having cancer. ALL MUMBLE IN AGREEMENT THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY 'FUNNY GIRLS' THEME Jenny, we just wanna say how grateful we are for what you're about to do for us. Cam, I'm gonna stop you right there. It's not what I'm doing for you; it's what we're doing together ` all three of us. We're all in this together, right? Jenny, you just` you just don't know how much this means for us. I mean, we've always wanted a child. (GROANS) And are you kidding me, I am ready to be on my ass for nine months straight, starting tomorrow, boy. Whoo. That is so great to hear. So which one of you is gonna... Oh, no, we haven't decided who the father is gonna be yet. It's just too hard. Yeah. It's like, do you want, like, book-smart or, like, street-smart? Yeah. Or do you want good at having fun, or do you want someone good at organising fun. Yeah. Or do you want, like, sporty, or, like, supporty. Yeah, so we thought we'd just mix it up and see what happens. Oh, so it's sort of like a menage-a-trois situation. Yeah, I like it. I dig it. Never done it, but I'm into it. We're not gonna... have sex. Well, that's OK. I'm actually more into Drake anyway. No, no, no. Um, we don't need to have sex. I mean, we just` we just sort of mix our business in a wee... ...like, a petri dish. Yeah, a petri dish. They get, like, a syringe and just kind of... (SLURPS) and then kind of like... Like icing a cake. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me?! I only agreed to do this to end a six-month dry spell! Look what I did! I did this for you! So, yeah! Yeah! I went to these lengths! You know how much this cost me?! Yeah, up to $20, all right? I made this. Now I just look like an idiot. Well, don't worry, Jenny. Maybe` Maybe it can be, sort of, like, a Halloween costume or... WHISPERS: Maybe we should try this. I mean, Jenny's making a huge sacrifice for us. It would just be one night. Let's try it. BOTH: Let's do it. Fuck yeah, let's do it. FAST DRUMBEAT, PERCUSSIVE MUSIC SENSUAL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES ALL EXHALE HEAVILY Oh my gosh. ALARM BEEPS Oh. Forgot to take my pill. Better safe than sorry. MAN: Got it. BELL RINGS MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY (SIGHS) God. So awkward doing like a proper sex scene. I'm not even a proper actor. You guys are, like, trained actors. You're used to it. Oh, I had actually no sex at drama school. Don't worry. (LAUGHS) But you know what I mean. Was that sexy enough? They're worried I'm not gonna be sexy. You're fine, Rose. You're a very sexy lady. Very sexy. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Why am I even asking you guys? This is so weird. Wait, what` what do you mean? Yeah, um, what's that? I mean... Are you guys`? You guys are both gay, right? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean` I` God. Uh, homosexuality, heterosexuality ` it's all one big thing; it's all one big spectrum. And I know that maybe you fall` I thought you fell on one side of it more` more than the other. But obviously I'm` obviously I'm wrong. I'd be the first to admit, I've had gay thoughts. I've had gay thoughts. Whatever. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I haven't acted on them yet. Maybe I will one day. Build up the confidence. What I'm saying is that you` you guys` you're on the spectrum, but I didn't know. I didn't know where you stood. And obviously you guys aren't part of that world. And that's fine. Nah, kidding. We're totally gay. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) LAUGHS: Oh my God. What are you laughing at? Nothing! Nothing. I don't know the rules with... ELECTRONIC MUSIC Previously on Sister House... There's no way she's getting pregnant. We used four condoms on top of each other. It's only been one night in the house, and things are already mad confusing. Connie?! Ronnie?! Kendall?! Wait, Declan? 'SISTER HOUSE' THEME ALL: Sister House! OK, so, let's just get this straight. My name is Declan, and my sister is Kendall. She is my sister. No one touches my sister, all right? Kendall is my sister. But I don't want to have sex with her, cos that's bad. But what if, for instance, I wanna bang Ashleigh? But I still wanna slam Ashleigh real bad. No. No one is to hook up with Ashleigh, because she is my sister. So, I'm gonna do that. But not tell Lachy. Got it! But what of Abby? What of Abby? Chill out, fellas. Cos I just banged this mad hot chick, who, I can assure you, is none of our sisters. Bro! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah! CHATTER Hi, loves. DECLAN AND KENDALL: Mum? Ohhhh! He fucked your mum! He fucked your mum! SOBS: A bro doesn't fuck their bro's mum. CHANTING: Fucked your mum! Fucked your mum! Does this make him my dad now? If I was her age and still sleeping with guys who are so young, like, I think that's, like` that's feminism. Right? (CRIES HYSTERICALLY) Like, this show is causing me some serious emotional harm. 'SISTER HOUSE' THEME WHIMSICAL MUSIC (LAUGHS) Anyway. (SIGHS) OK, so, we've got some, uh, viewer feedback on the sex scene, and it's not all bad. Ooh, sorry, no, it is all bad. Um, the men didn't find it sexy, saying, (READS) 'We'd prefer more ladies kissing and less men kissing. 'No offence, Eli and Chris.' None taken. Yeah. I mean, I happen to find men kissing extremely arousing, but other women don't. I think it's, you know, women don't like to be ignored in the bedroom. And I think that plays into that whole` all that gay stuff. No offence. I am starting to get offended. How did we do in the other key demographics? Right. Men 60 to 75 hated it. Stay-at-home mums 14 to 16 hated it. Prisoners 20 to 30 hated it. And Pauline, 25 to 30-ish, well, she didn't have time to watch it, and I am truly sorry about that. What about gay men? Uh, they felt like Rose got in the way, which I think is a fair comment. They also thought that Eli and Chris could be hotter. Look, I mean, I` I find you guys hot, but, um, gays don't. That doesn't actually make us feel better. Don't worry, OK? Apparently the billboard's coming down because the heart attack guy's family are suing. Apparently his cholesterol was absolutely fine. Oh my God. Look, let's just concentrate on the comedy. After all, it is a show called 'Funny Girl', isn't it, Rose? Yep. Close enough. And the uncut version is going gangbusters on PornHub. Uncut version? PornHub? Yeah. Check out how many views it's had. Oh my God. WHIMSICAL MUSIC I wouldn't read the comments, though, if I were you. Captions by Madison Batten Edited by Imogen Staines. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016