DRAMATIC GUITAR MUSIC PETER: I just had the strangest dream. It's Friday. We're at the hospital. But it's not a hospital, it's a forest of sorts. And, uh, I know that because right next to you there's a bear. A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream. And all of a sudden, you begin to deliver and I can't-- I can't get to you. But the bear can. And next thing I know, he is holding our beautiful baby boy. And here's where it gets odd. Uh... He chews the cord. But, strangely, I'm okay with it. That's gotta be a good sign. SAM & DAVE'S 'HOLD ON I'M COMING' PLAYING Theodore. Loved it. But remember that article I told you about? Naming kids after famous people? I don't want Teddy to think he's a failure if he doesn't wind up with his face on Mount Rushmore. Uh, Arthur. Oh! This was tough because Arthur, it's mythological. Round Table, the whole deal. But 'The Name Game.' Remember that? 'The Name Game'? 'Art-Art-bo-Bart, Banana-Fana-fo-Fart.' Uh, brings us to Casey. This whole next slew of names: Casey, Jordan, Dylan, Drew, Taylor, Tyler and probably mostly Skylar, are all names that could be girls' names. I mean, why don't we just cut to the chase and call him Cindy? # Hold on I'm coming # DRIVER: Yeah, Atlanta. Trying to get out of this place. Denver's where it's at, man. Mm-hm. They got the whole underground government conspiracy thing going on. That so? I'm hearing a lot of chatter. CELL PHONE RINGS Gotcha. I should probably grab this. Sorry. Hey, honey. SARAH: Hey, sweetie. PETER: Did you get my message? I did. I'm about halfway through it. I thought I'd take a little break. Ha, ha. Look, I just didn't want you to think I was arbitrarily dismissing those names. You considered them carefully. It's just such a big decision, you know? I know. Clearly, you're taking it very seriously. But more importantly, what are you wearing? Armani Exchange. I'm talking to my-- No, no, that's just the driver, baby. Okay, listen, uh, I'm about to be dropped off. I should go. I love you, can't wait to see you. I love you too. Safe flying. DRIVER: Here you go. PETER: Perfect. Yep. DRIVER: What in the eff? Goddamn it! That knocked it right off. Hey, man! You just hit my car! You just knocked my door off. SHELBY: Oh, man. Sorry about that. First things first, is everybody okay? DRIVER: I'm in a Town Car! Don't you know airport protocol? Town Cars have the right of way always! That right there is some serious damage. That ain't shit! DRIVER: My brother-in-law is gonna kill me. I'm through! You okay? Sorry about my friend. He's been drinking. You smell boozy too. Drinking and driving together? Well, we haven't been drinking. I mean, we had a-- We split a six-pack. Of 40s. But... You know what? My father always had a saying: When a day starts like this, it's all uphill from here. That's actually incorrect. My dad used to say it. No, it's all downhill from here. But everybody wants to be up. Nobody wants to be down. But it's easier as you go down. He didn't know what he was talking about. Hey, Shelby? We good? We're cool, man. I'll take care of it. Okay. SHELBY: Go get them, Hollywood! PETER: Excuse me. Sir? You mind picking these up? Uh, I can't. You're not supposed to touch other people's luggage at an airport. Handle your own baggage. X-RAY MACHINE BEEPS Bag check! This your bag, sir? Is there a problem? I'm gonna have to search it real quick, sir. Okay. Yeah. Feel free. Mad magazine? That's cute. That's not mine. This is your bag? That's not-- SNIFFS Jackpot! That's definitely not mine. My bag got switched with this-- You packed your bag yourself? Yeah, but not that. I've never done drugs in my life. This is absolutely-- This is crazy. Maybe you a drug mule. Drug mule? Do I look like a drug mule? I don't know, how do drug mules look? Well, you're the expert. What, like me? Who said that? Your eyes. My eyes said something? Did my mouth say anything? I don't think you look like a-- Do you mind not tossing it up so much? Whoo! Funky motherfucker, ain't you? You are so inappropriate, it's crazy. I been called a lot of things, but 'inappropriate'? That's some fucked-up shit, yo. Oh, my goodness. Look at this, Sonny. Fancy. Died and gone to heaven. Are you serious? Are you not aware there's a person here? Sorry. Well, hello! Ha! How you doing? What brings you up to first class? The seat that I procured-- ETHAN: Oh, sorry. ATTENDANT: Excuse me. I was in low class, and my seat belt didn't work, and they bumped me up. It's called economy. Lucky day. Nice to see you. Sorry how we met, but, you know... Oh, you know what? I think we switched our bags at the curb. I know we did. Your bag was confiscated. It had paraphernalia in it. Marijuana pipe. Well, that's a medical apparatus. I have glaucoma. Sure, you have glaucoma. Attention, passengers, in preparation for takeoff, please turn off all electronic devices, and if you have a laptop please stow it away now. Thank you and enjoy your flight. ETHAN: Hey, they made the announcement. You should turn that off. Yeah, I get it. Okay, just turn it off. You know why? I'm gonna turn it off. They get uneasy because they know terrorists use phones to trigger bombs in their luggage. Shh. Pst, pst, pst. That's not the word you want to say. Which word? 'Terrorist' or 'bomb'? Now you said both the words. I understand. But what I'm trying to tell you is I read-- Stop trying to tell me something and listen to me. You're not supposed to say words that put people on edge. ETHAN: I'm trying to be informative. PETER: It's not cool. Excuse me, sir. Would you and your friend step to the front of the plane? My friend? I'm sorry, I need you to come with me, please. Listen. This clown, I've never seen before in my life. That's not entirely true. We switched bags at kerbside. That was an accident. MAN: Sir! Sir. Federal air marshal. Please step to the front of the plane. What? Why? Drop the device. It's not a device, it's a BlackBerry. Drop the device, asshole! What are you gonna do, rent-a-cop? Shoot me--? CROWD SCREAMS It's okay, everyone. He'll be fine. It's only a rubber bullet. APPLAUDING Good news, Mr. Highman. They found your bags on the airplane. Oh, good. Unfortunately, that plane's over Kansas. Figures. But I do have your cell phone for you. Now, if you wouldn't mind just signing this. It's a simple release. So I don't sue you. Yeah, just saying we acted in accordance with state law. Sure did. Good. If you put your address there, I'll have your bags shipped. No, just, uh, let them land at LAX and I'll pick them up when I get there. When's the next flight? Probably in an hour, but you won't be on it. Why's that? You're on the No-Fly list. Why? It says right here. You and your friend. Who? The gentleman I interviewed. I've never seen that dipshit before. Really? Yeah. He had nothing but nice things to say about you. I'm on a No-Fly list? This is ridiculous. Regardless-- No. I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back to L.A. This is a huge misunderstanding. What am I supposed to do? Have you ever seen the movie Forrest Gump? Yes. Well, he ran across country, and he was pretty stupid. So I have faith in you. You're free to leave. SARAH OVER PHONE: What kind of incident? PETER: I'm probably overstating. It's the manageable kind. A micro-incident. But it unfortunately landed me on a No-Fly list. What did you do, Peter? Did you snap at somebody? Nope. I did not. I was cool, calm and collected the whole time. I was completely in my rights. You get so carried away sometimes. How are you gonna get home? Well, I have a plan. And the plan is sorting itself out, but my wallet is traveling. What? And the ID's in it, I've been trying to rent a car, I had the office fax-- But I am exhausting any and all opportunities to-- CAR ALARM WAILS Hey! I've been looking all over for you. Stay away from me. ETHAN: I found something of yours. Honey, this might all be solved. I'll call you right back. Peter? You got my stuff? I grabbed it right before they zip-tied me. PETER: Rally Monkey? You get my wallet? I didn't see your wallet. Where's my-- Where's my bag? I saw your bag, but I didn't grab it because my hands were full. You know, I had this thing in my hand. What kind of car you get? I didn't get a car, because I don't have a license because it's in my wallet that's on the... Right? Oh, shoot. What a bummer. Yeah, bummer. Thanks for the doll. Fucking idiot. Hey, you wanna ride with us? No, I-- I'm fine. I'm not really a big dog person. Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. But I tell you, I have a really great personality once you get to know me. Yeah, I'm sure you do. I got 90 friends on Facebook. Twelve of them are pending, but I got 90 friends. I'll cover expenses. You can pay me back when we get to Hollywood. L.A. Huh? It's not called Hollywood. It's called-- It's Los Angeles. Yeah, but I'm going to Hollywood. What's your name? Peter. My name's Ethan. Ethan Tremblay. And this little guy, this little butterball, this is Sonny. And we would be honoured to have you ride with us. Come on. It'll be fun. ETHAN SQUEALS AND LAUGHS JK. LOL. HI. 'Hop in.' Life's weird, isn't it? Buckle up. ETHAN: You have any brothers or sisters? PETER: No. ETHAN: You have a dog? PETER: Nope. Okay, let me ask you this: What's your favourite colour? Blue. That's so cool. Mine's green. Wow. Do you like hot dogs? Yes, I do. I'm more of a corn-dog man, myself. I once ate a foot-long corn dog on a nude beach. I'll never do that again. At what age did you lose your virginity? I'm not gonna discuss that with you. I was 9 years old. Boy. Great gal. Great gal. Sheila Pimples. I'm kind of getting a headache, and it's not because of you. It's just, I'm under a lot of pressure. My wife and I are having a baby. On Friday. That's who the monkey's for. Oh, really? Gonna be a C-section. That's sweet. So if we could just... I understand. Thanks. God, I-- I totally understand. I was supposed to meet a big-time agent in Hollywood. Luckily, he postponed. So you're an actor. Yep. Yep. You know what? In fact, I wouldn't mind having a fresh pair of eyes-- Hey, hey, hey. CAR HORN HONKS My apologies. Look at this. Okay. If you'd just look at the road. I got it. Oh, your headshots. ETHAN: Headshots. This one right here, this is a laid-back guy, with a Hawaiian shirt but he packs a piece. Interesting. Yep. This one, this was my father's favourite. He says it really showed my spirit. And I agree with him. What's that, a--? That's a gang member, a construction worker, and... And a nerd. A professor. No. I'm Malcolm X. He thinks he's human. So stupid. What brought you to Atlanta? Business or pleasure? Business. Business. What kind of business? Architecture. How'd you get into architecture? College. Anything else? Because I'm trying to-- I'm sorry, Peter. We're gonna be traveling for a few days. It wouldn't hurt to get to know each other. Okay. Ethan, what brought you to Atlanta? Business or pleasure? My daddy died. I went to Atlanta to go to his funeral. Gee, I didn't know. I'm sorry. He was a great guy, man. That's why I'm heading out West. He's the one that motivated me to get on the TV. PETER: TV? Yeah. Tough business to break into. So competitive. I have a friend, he's in that industry. He work on Two and a Half Men? No. He-- That's too bad. Because Two and a Half Men is the reason I wanted to become an actor. Right. Especially the second season. PETER: Here's the plan. We are just outside Birmingham and we got a late start, so we will only make it just to inside Louisiana. Early to bed, early to rise. Long 16- to 18-hour haul, which will land us in Phoenix, Arizona. Then we're only eight hours outside of L.A. You know what'd be nice? If we could stop at the Grand Canyon. We're not going to the Grand Canyon. That would be easily 120 miles off our optimum route. That's too bad. Because Daddy would've loved the Grand Canyon. Why do you even have this? Oh, because this is my daddy. These are his ashes. Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can, Ethan? Because he's dead, Peter. I know. I know that part. Don't you listen to anything? I'm just saying, normal people put remains in an urn. ETHAN: This is vacuum-sealed. Ethan, you broke the seal when you poured out the coffee. Then you poured your father's remains in and closed it. That didn't reseal it. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. SNEEZES Oh, God. We shouldn't have come here. I'm allergic to waffles. SNEEZES ETHAN: Come on, Sonny. Thank you. We need to make a brief pit stop in Birmingham. Actually, our next stop is Shreveport. That's where we rest. It's 10 minutes away. Let's just see if we can make it. Why you making a pit stop in Birmingham? We gotta make time. I left my glaucoma medication on the plane. Wait, wait, wait. Your what? You mean your weed? It's medical marijuana, Peter. No, it's weed. Why do you make everything so dark? It's not dark. It's weed. And I'm saying I really don't want to stop and buy drugs. Is that okay? You know what? I didn't want to play this card, certainly not this early. But guess what. Guess who's got the Subaru Impreza. Me. Guess who's got all the money. Me. Guess who's got a winning personality. Me. What do you have? You have a nice hairline, fine. You have a strong jaw, fine. But I gotta tell you something, mister. Your personality needs some work. My God. Now, do you want a ride to California or not? Yes, please. Good. Hold Dad. Dad! I'm sorry. I got it. I got it, I got it. Okay. God Almighty, holy moly. It's like I'm traveling with a child. Did you use the restroom? Good point. I need to take a pee-pee. PHONE LINE RINGS SARAH: Peter? Crisis averted, I'm driving. Driving how? Let me talk to her. With a guy-- Please don't. With a guy that I met in a rent-a-car. You're gonna drive 2000 miles with a guy you just met? Say hi to-- Sarah? Hi, this is Ethan Tremblay. I'm riding with Peter. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? Good, good. I wanted to let you know I have your package, and he is A-okay. And I will have him delivered by Thursday. Thank you so much. Hey, Sarah? One other thing. Do you have a hairdresser out West? I just got this killer perm, and it needs major upkeep. I'm sorry, did you just say that you have a perm? Yeah, a perm. Like a permanent. PETER: It's heinous. ETHAN: Do you mind? Can I just talk to my husband, please? Yeah. Okay, hold on. She wants to talk to you. I know. So that's what I'm dealing with. Oh, my God. PETER: Yep. God bless us all. BUZZES Stop worrying. I'm not worried. She's very legitimate. I found her on Craigslist. WOMAN: Who is it? Fantastic. ETHAN: Hi. It's Ethan. I called you earlier. Honestly, like two minutes, okay? Just buy it and then go. Hey. Hi. That was fast. Yeah, we were very close. I'm Ethan, this is Peter. Are you a cop? Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist? Okay, you just look really official. And you know if I ask you if you're a cop and you are a cop, you have to say yes. That's a myth. That's actually incorrect. But I'm not. No, he's an architect. I'm an architect. So... Wait, it's a myth? Yeah. Oh, shit! I did not know that this whole fucking time. That's good news. You're fucking scary, is what you are. Come in, Ethan. The pharmacy's in the kitchen. Hey, Peter, can you watch my kids just for five minutes, while we han-- You know. Real quick. Thanks. SIGHS Who are you? I'm Peter. I'm Alex. This is Patrick. Great. Alex. Mommy gave you a boy's name. What's that supposed to mean? Alex is also a name for a boy. So your mom kind of screwed you. Sorry, my hand slipped. # In a white room With black curtains # That one I just got in. It's an Afghan blend of Wild Widow and AK-47. You know, I'm not crazy about blends. I find that the high is a bit shapeless. A purist. Well, that's cool. You'd probably love Northern Lights. I mean, this has got great body. It smokes like a fucking dream. Oh, that's just Barry. He's renting a room from me. Hey, Barry. How you doing? I'm Ethan. Listen, did you remember to TiVo Judge Mathis? HEIDI: Yeah. It's on there, if you just look at the menu. Nice perm, man. Well done. Well done on that perm. Oh, thanks, bro. It's not a perm, it's natural. Nobody gets perms anymore. Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Is that a perm? Yeah. It's a perm. Yeah. LAUGHS Oh, my God. You didn't have your real hair. Where do you even get those anymore? I know! It's like... I was just kidding about-- This isn't a perm. BARRY: Excuse me? This isn't a perm. I was joking. Oh, my God. Thank God. Because I was-- You got us. You got us both, man. You know, only, like, fucking jerk-offs get perms. That was good. Very good. HEIDI: That was hilarious. Where are you from? Los Angeles. Is that where you're going? Mm-hm. Can you take us with you? No, but there's an organization called Child Protective Services. What's this? It's a tie. You've never seen a tie before? Why do you wear it? Because I wear it. It looks stupid. Well, it's not. Just take your hands off of me. Please stop doing that. Stop. Please stop doing that now. Will you please--? It's Reggie. Is that right? Well, maybe Reggie needs to take a nap. Hey, quit it. I'm not kidding. GRUNTS COUGHS You okay, bubba? What? Nothing. 'Nothing' is right. IMITATING MARLON BRANDO And now, you come to me and you say: 'Don Corleone, give me justice.' But you don't even have the decency to call me the Godfather. And you come to my house on the day that my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to kill someone. For money. But that is not justice. That's amazing. I had chills, like, that second paragraph. When the line-- The murder. That is so fucking good, Ethan. Thank you. I've been working on the hand gestures to get it right. Did you write that yourself? No. The Mafia wrote it. HEIDI: Oh, that was so-- It was nice meeting you, anyway. Play it cool, or I'll thump you again. Sure, sure. You all set? Yeah. Good to go. How were they? They behave themselves? Pretty much. Pretty much. HEIDI: Oh, good. PETER: Yeah. I mean, they're great kids. We good? WOLFMOTHER'S 'NEW MOON RISING' PLAYING See you. Oh, good luck. Bye-bye. Bye. Good luck with-- with your acting stuff. # And the temperature's Rising # # I see the factories Are burning # # And the wheels Keep a-turning # # Well, I've seen That you've grown now # # With the horses you ride # # Gonna have your say now # # See the new moon rising # MAN OVER HEADPHONES: --judging the character. When an actor is preparing a scene, first thing is read the scene over many times. First, before you do any work on it, let it work on you. Read the material over and over again. The entire script, if at all possible. PETER: Hey, Hollywood. Card's been declined. What's that? Your card? It's no good. Oh, gosh. It's okay. You know what? I bet I tapped it out when I rented this car. Great. We'll pay cash. How much you got? Sixty bucks. You have 60 bucks entirely? Yes. How much did you spend on marijuana? On your medicine? I don't know, around 200 bucks. Two hundred bucks? Yeah. Sixty bucks for gas, food, lodging, everything? She's the only dealer in town. She names her price. What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs? I don't think in those terms. What terms do you think in? I'm not an accountant, Peter. I'm not even Jewish. Are you an adult? Of course I'm an adult. I'm 23 years old. You are the most shot-out 23-year-old I've ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over? I've done that. How have you survived? That's my question. Mostly luck. Yeah. That's what I thought. Just dumb fucking luck. DOG WHIMPERS Whoa! Fuck me. For heaven's sakes, Peter. We're screwed, Ethan. How so? You spent all our money on weed! It's just another speed bump. You know what? I'm gonna call my wife. She's gonna wire me money. That's it. She can't wire you money. You don't have an ID. You're right. She'll wire it to you. See? That's an adult solving a problem. Let's go. I told you I was lucky. Get in the car. Hold on one second. I'm gonna go get a brochure for my scrapbook, okay? LONNIE: How do you spell the last name? ETHAN: T-R-E-M-B-L-A-Y. LONNIE: Here we go. Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay. I just need to see an ID. There you go. Yeah, this doesn't say Tremblay. It says Ethan Chase. Oh, jeepers creepers. He's right, he's right. What do you mean, 'he's right'? Ethan Tremblay is my stage name. I'm an actor. Your stage name. Yeah. What is your real name? Ethan Chase. It doesn't sound like an actor's name. Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn't make any goddamn sense. It's confusing. It sounds like it was made up. Yeah, I made it up. Ethan, I know you made it up. It's your fucking stage name. Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name? I wasn't thinking. Right. Just trying to commit to the new name. Do you guys wanna discuss this, perhaps out in the parking lot? One sec. Do you have anything else with your name on it? Yes. Of course. Yes, yes. Good. What was I thinking? He has two names. That's fantastic. But one sec. What the fuck is this? It's a-- An ID. It's a photo ID. No, I can't accept this either. Why? Because it's a picture of yourself. Anyone could take a picture in a beautiful turtleneck, put whatever name they want. But why go to all that trouble just for 500 bucks? I don't know why you would, but you could. So now I get to call my pregnant wife and have her drive all the way back to Western Union. Start this whole process all over again, send it to the correct name, and we'll be good. Absolutely. PETER: Great. We'll have to do that tomorrow. We close in five minutes. It's 6:35, sir. What are you, my fucking boss? You make the hours? I say when we close. I got reservations at Chili's. I'm meeting my boys. You have a reservation at Chili's? LONNIE: Mm-hm. That's actually smart. I mean, it gets busy on a Wednesday night. Are you gonna stare at me? Do your fucking job until your shift is over, hillbilly. Yeah, keep dreaming, faggot. No way in hell. Oh, really? Excuse me, Peter. Sir. I-- I'm sorry about my friend. We really just need the money to get to Los Angeles so he can be there for the birth of his first child. Well, that's such a sweet story. You know where I was when my daughter was born? Chili's? Iraq. How about I call my sergeant in Fallujah and tell him your story, see what he thinks? Aren't you closing? Is it gonna take a long time? He's being sarcastic, Ethan, and also letting us know that he's a 'battle-hardened' veteran who did some half-assed tour and talks about it all the time. How dare you. Smooth move, that. You're sick. You fucked up. Big time. I fucked up? Yeah. I fucked up big time? You spit on your own window. Let's get out of here. Hey, sport? What were you saying about my half-assed tour of duty? I'm sorry. I had no idea. No idea what? That I'm handicapable? How could you know? I couldn't know, and I didn't, and I'm sorry. Can I tell you something? Honestly, it's my fault. I'm-- I'm just having a bad day. LONNIE: You had a bad day? Yeah. It's about to get a whole lot worse. Ah! Now put that away before you-- ETHAN: Help! Oh, I know that shit hurt, huh? Ah. Fucking hick. ETHAN: Oh, God. LONNIE: The kid's got moves. You wanna fuck up my dinner plans, I'll fuck you up. YELLS I call that little move 'the wheelbarrow.' ETHAN: Peter, get up, get up. Come on. Come on. Courtesy of Western Union. Hold on one second. Oh, where you going, huh? PETER: Call the cops. LONNIE: Fuck the cops. Here comes the train. Choo-choo! # It's closing time # # Time to roll to Chili's # # And chow down With my fuckin' boys # 1 THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY RAIN PATTERS HEAVILY TOILET FLUSHING You okay, buddy? Don't call me that. Buddies have each other's backs when an assault takes place. Peter, that man was handicapped. You can call me Peter. Or Mr. Highman. I'll call you Mr. Chase. Unless that was a fake ID too. Why you have a stage name is beyond me. You're not even really an actor. What does that mean, 'really an actor'? What is a real actor? A real actor is someone who can really act. Well, go ahead, give me an action to do. Give me a scene. No. I don't want to. You should. Okay. I'm Julia Roberts. You have terminal cancer. We're engaged. Break the news to me. Julia Roberts, as you know, we're engaged. I have terminal cancer. Awful. What? Sorry, that's my feedback. I thought that was really good. Nope. I'll give you one more shot. Uh, it's Super Bowl Sunday. You're a coach with a spotty career. You're down 31 points. You bust into the locker room and you fire the guys up. All or nothing. Action. That's stupid. That would never be in a movie. PETER: It's in a movie every two years. Every two years. LAUGHS Okay, guys, we need to get out there. Really need to get going. Pollard, what are you doing? You're acting like a girl out there. What are you, a girl or something? Jackson, come on, man, you gotta get yourself together. What are you, a girl or something? Let's up the stakes. Your wife calls. She wants a divorce. The coach's wife? The coach you're playing. His wife calls. She wants a divorce. Ring-ring. Hello? Hey, fellas, it's gonna be a minute. It's my wife. She wants a divorce. Hey, sweetheart. What's that? No, don't-- This is not a good time. SOBBING Because I lost my dad, I don't want you to leave me right now. I don't wanna be left alone. I miss him so much. You can't do this. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES THUNDER RUMBLES I got soda. I got water. Okay. Great. Thank you. Crazy rain. Nuts. I think we're done for today. We'll sleep in the car. Okay. We'll kill it tomorrow. But this is... So tell me something about your dad. What did he do for a living? He was a toll-booth operator. Really? He was a real people person. He loved his job. He'd come home every night and he'd laugh about how long his line was. Because he enjoyed talking to everybody that went through the toll booth. Oh. What about you? Where's your dad? Uh... No idea. ETHAN: When's the last time you saw him? 1977. Ooh. Ouch. Yep. Came into my room, said, 'Petey, I got an important job for you. I need you to wake me up, 5:30 tomorrow morning.' And I was ecstatic because he never asked me to do anything. I didn't even know if I existed in his eyes. So... It was just a big deal. I was so excited. I set the alarm clock. I could barely sleep. I just watched it all night. When it went off at 5:30, I snuck into his room, I gingerly wake him up. He smiled at me. First time I ever saw him... ...uh, smile. But he had his bags packed by the front door, and he picked them up, put them in the back of his car... ...and, uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him. LAUGHING It's so funny. LAUGHING Oh, my gosh. My dad would never do that. He loved me. SQUISHING What's that sound? What sound? Mm. No, it stopped. SQUISHING CONTINUES Okay, it's back. Oh, that's me I'm just masturbating. What? Why? This is how I go to sleep. Oh, don't, don't, don't. Come on, dude. I'm right here next to you. Just shut your eyes, Peter. They're closed. The sound. Just bear with me. How long is this gonna take? Ugh! Well, you know, if you keep interrupting me it's gonna take a little bit longer, but it usually just takes me about 35 minutes. Is that all? Your fucking dog's doing it too. Sonny! Stop! Sonny, no. Stop. Good boy. BARKS CAR DOOR SHUTS ETHAN GRUNTS DOOR CLOSES PETER: Come here, garbage face. Come here. Don't even think about it. Had to be done. Please. Don't. Intolerable. Intolerable. SIGHS Oh! HONKS HORN Son of a bitch. Goddamn it. No. Fuck. Don't. Okay. Uh, we are gathered here in the presence of the Lord and all things holy to celebrate the passing of one Mr.-- I don't remember his fucking name. Chase. Or a.k.a. Tremblay. May he forever reside and dwell in the sunlight of the spirit. Amen. You know, I just wanna offer an explanation, sir, as to why you wound up on the side of Interstate 20. It's not your fault. It's your kid. He's an incredibly difficult person to travel with. In fact, I don't know how or why you didn't just strangle him in the fucking crib. CAR HORN HONKS Hey, buddy. Forget something? No. I got, uh... I got coffee. Dunkin' Donuts. Thought maybe you left me. No, I picked up breakfast so we can eat on the road, make up time. Why'd you leave my stuff out here? Because it's your property. That makes sense. Yep. You want me to drive? It is your shift. Okay. Very good. I'll grab the, uh, other items. Okay. Okay. Come on, Sonny. Sonny, come on. I was thinking to myself, 'There's no way 'that Peter would have left me here. We've had our bumps in the road, but he's not gonna leave me.' Oh, please, no. It's not my car. Right. Yeah. Come on. Get in, Sonny. You know, my mind works in mysterious ways. And I thought, 'God, why would he wanna travel alone, you know?' You have a nice shower? Yes, excellent. Great. You know, rest areas have the nicest showers. The nicest showers. ENGINE STARTING This coffee's hot. It's hot coffee. Whoo! Have we crossed over the Mississippi River? We're in Texas. The Mississippi River was the river we crossed in Mississippi. Oh, that's too bad. Would have been a great send-off for my papa. Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes float down to New Orleans, you know? Spend Mardi Gras there. I'm gonna get some shuteye, okay? Nothing he loved more than jazz music and women's titties. Did I snore last night? Mm-hm. Sorry. I'm a deep sleeper. It's a condition. You know when they say, 'That guy could sleep through an earthquake'? I've actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep during a job interview at Bank of America. I didn't sleep last night. I'm gonna try now. Well, you really should have masturbated because I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby. FLEET FOXES' 'MYKONOS' PLAYING # Whoa, ooh-ooh # # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh # # Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh # # Whoa, ooh-ooh # # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh # # Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh # # The door slammed loud And rose up a cloud of dust # # On us # # Footsteps follow down Through the hollow sound # # Torn up # # And you will go To Mykonos # # With a vision Of a gentle coast # # And a sun To maybe dissipate # # Shadows of the mess You made # # Whoa, ooh-ooh # # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh # # Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh # WORKERS CLAMOURING BARKS Hey! Get up! Ethan, wake up! Goddamn it! Son of a bitch. No! PETER YELLING PETER GROANING PETER: I can't feel my arm. PETER YELLS AND GROANS What happened? I'll see if the rental agreement's in the... You know what? I have coverage. That's good. ETHAN WHISTLING Stay away from me. Jeez Louise, are you okay? Am I okay? Do I look okay, huh? I have a broken arm, I have three cracked ribs. I have seven stitches in my fucking armpit. Does that answer your question? No, not okay. Peter, I am terribly sorry. Are you? Look, Sonny's all banged up. I'm a wreck. You don't have a scratch. Doctor said I was in such a deep sleep I didn't tense up. I told you I was a deep sleeper. Yeah, you did. Did the doctor say it is not advisable to fall asleep while you're driving? I was just trying to rest my eyes for a few seconds. But seriously, next time try not to tense up. Really. HORN HONKS PETER: One sec. ETHAN: Who's that? That's my actual friend. He's come to pick me up. All the way from Dallas. Oh, good. Shotgun. Nope. Not us. Just me. We're done. And by the way, it's been a fucking pleasure. But just so my conscience is clear, let me let you know why you're not coming with us, okay? It's not because you got me kicked off a plane and shot by an air marshal. It's not because you stood idly by as I had my ass handed to me by a handicapped hillbilly. I am certainly not leaving you here because you almost got me killed during the most important week of my life. I am leaving you here for a far more fundamental reason: I despise who you are at a cellular level. Okay, I've heard that before, and I'm trying to work on it. Great. Now hear this: Yes. Beware. I'm warning you, don't go to Hollywood. The streets are not paved with gold. They are paved with the carcasses of imbeciles like you who think they're gonna go there and make it. 'Pray you, avoid it.' Did you get that? That was Shakespeare. Heard of him? Yes, I've heard of him. He's a famous pirate. And by the way, it's Shakesbeard. Let me give you a little bit of friendly advice. Nobody who calls themselves 'Hollywood' has ever made it in Hollywood. That one I've never heard before. Sonny, you will be sorely missed, you little bat-faced piece of shit. SPITS DOG WHIMPERS, ETHAN GASPS I have never... Well, get used to it. ...in all of my 23 years! Come on, let's get out of here. What the fuck? We're moving out. Yup. You all right? What's going on? Thank you so much for coming. Don't worry about that. Who's the dude you yelling at? He's nobody. A guy I was traveling with. He's trouble. He looks sad as shit. And you just spit on his dog. I spit on his d-- God, I did. I was seeing red because he has a way of getting under your skin. I'm fine. Let's go. You wanna leave him here? Trust me. Pete, how long have I known you? Twenty years. Twenty years. Yep. Your energy's off. You don't wanna mess your karma up. You have a child coming. So whatever you need to do to fix between you and DeBarge, you need to fix it. Trust me. Make it right. Hollywood, come here. See what I'm working with here? Oh, wow. Okay, I've calmed down a bit. You ready to apologize? What? Fuck you! Wait. Oh, no. Let's go. Let's go. Pete, Pete, relax. Fix it. First of all, I'm sorry that I spat on Sonny. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. Now, if you're gonna travel with me to Los Angeles, I gotta give you a couple guidelines. Number one: If you ask me a single question, I'm going to flip out on you. So don't do that. Do you understand? Somewhat, yes. Number two: If you fall asleep for any reason, other than the fact that you're in a bed and it's night-time, I will disembowel you. Make sense? Somewhat. Great. Three: If you're allergic to waffles, don't eat waffles. Then don't take me to a Waffle House. Shut up! Relax. All right. Get your stuff and get in back. Hold Sonny. Nope. Hand me that dog, I will rip it in half. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself. # This is why I'm hot # # Hot # # This is why I'm hot # # Hot # # This is why, this is why This is why I'm hot # # I'm hot 'cause I'm fly You ain't 'cause you not # # This is why, this is why This is why I'm hot # # I'm hot 'cause I'm fly You ain't 'cause you not # And then, his fault, we're both put on a No-Fly list. A No-Fly list? You? Yeah, and it just-- Yeah. Just got worse from there. Because he is-- He's pathological, I think. He'll just start beating off in front of you. What? Yes. No lotion? No, no, he was dry-docking. Is that a drainage ditch coming up? Uh, yes, it is. Would you mind? I'm hitting already it. Real hard. Real hard. LAUGHS Ethan, you all right? Yeah, we're good. Next time, don't tense up your body. Just stay loose. LAUGHING There's another one up here too. Shit. Want to hit him again? ENGINE REVVING PETER AND DARRYL LAUGHING # This is why I'm hot # # Whoo # # This is why, this is why This is why I'm hot # PETER: We can't take your Range Rover, D. Yes, you can. I prefer my pickup anyway. I'll ship it back to you as soon as I get there. No need. I'll be in L.A. on Friday. You will? What are you doing in L.A.? I'm not gonna miss the birth of your baby, man. But let me ask you: Doesn't it burn you up that she's getting a-- a C-section? I mean, that body was so flawless, just banging. How did you know? She told me. Coffee? Sure. What is going on? What are you talking about? What's with all these stories he has about your wife? They used to date in college? That was like 20 years ago. Yeah, but come on, you don't see it? This guy's good-looking. He's a football player. He's charming. You don't know anything. He has beautiful hands. Have you seen his hands? I think there's still something going on. Here you go. What's this picture from? DARRYL: What's that? This picture of you and Sarah. DARRYL: Oh, yeah, that was February. We was in San Diego. She didn't tell you about that? She mentioned that she bumped into you. She didn't say that-- That we were throwing them back. You know, getting wasted, having a good time. Just sort of reliving some things, you know, just... Real good girl. Fantastic. Yeah, she is. Slipped her mind. February. Isn't that about nine months ago? No questions. Nine, 10 months. Nine. So where you at with the names? She said you were being a real hard-ass about the names. She said that? Yeah, she hit me in a e-mail. You and his wife exchange e-mails? Yeah. What else do you exchange? PETER: Ethan. Body fluids? What is he talking about? I don't even listen to him. This is not bothering you? The e-mails-- Each other's ejaculate? What? It's when your urine turns white. Okay, new rule: You can't... SIGHS ...say a fucking word. This is horrible. It tastes like cat litter. I think it tastes delicious. DARRYL: You should. I was all out, so I used the coffee you brought. PETER: Oh, boy. COUGHING That's his dad, it's his dad. Fine. I'll buy some other coffee. I apologize. What's the big deal? No, no, no. His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking can. Get him the fuck out. The beard, the dog, get him out! I get it. DARRYL: Get him out! I know. It took eight minutes, right? WHEEZING AND COUGHING Oh, God! So stupid! COUGHING Where are the ashes? Where are my dad's ashes? PETER: Relax. It was an accident. Where is it? Where? PETER: Right where I'm pointing. There's the coffee machine. There's the can, there's the coffeemaker. We're gonna retrieve this. I got it, I got it. Slow down, it's okay. Okay. Can we just calm down? Let me take it. Oh, God. PETER: Will you relax? Oh! ETHAN SOBBING NEIL YOUNG'S 'OLD MAN' PLAYING It's okay. Come here, I'll help you pick it up. There we go. Get it back in there. # Old man, look at my life # # I'm a lot like you were # # Old man, look at my life # # I'm a lot like you were # # Old man Take a look at my life # # I'm a lot like you # # I need someone to love me The whole day through # I'm sorry we drank your father. It's okay. Are you all right? Are you sure? Yeah, there's plenty of him still in here. Darryl only made three cups of coffee, and I think there's about eight cups of my dad left in here. Great. At least he tasted good. Not bad. Yeah, strong. He was, uh-- He was full-flavoured. Robust blend. He really enjoyed coffee. And in the end, he was enjoyed as coffee. Kind of circle of life. Lion King. All that. I'll tell you what, the moratorium on asking questions is officially lifted. Fire away. Okay. How's your arm? It's not bad. You think Darryl slept with your wife? No. I do. I mean, why would he lend you this very fancy car and give you all that walking-around money? It's... Because he's my friend. That's why. Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo? I have a question for you. How did those three questions come into your head? I was thinking about your wife and Darryl, and Darryl getting your wife pregnant. What their baby would look like, maybe like a zebra baby. And then I thought, 'Well, I've never seen a zebra.' And I thought, 'Well, I should maybe go to the San Diego Zoo when we get to California--' Nope, I've never been to the zoo. Next question, please. PETER: Hey, hon. It's your ever-faithful and adoring husband calling from West Texas. Just checking in. That's weird, it went straight to voicemail. Are you on the other line with Darryl? I actually talked to him and he told me about the lovely weekend you guys spent together in San Diego. Didn't quite jibe with the way you recounted it, so maybe with all your e-mails and phone calls and stuff, you can get your story straight. If there's something that you need to tell me before we go down this road, or if I'm gonna have a surprise in the delivery room, I would just appreciate it that you erase any and all-- Call me. Was I right or was I wrong? About what? You know, the Darryl thing and your wife and the mystery about the baby. She's sleeping. I left a message. And the casual manner with which you bring up this topic, uh, it makes me edgy. So if you wouldn't mind not doing that anymore I'd really appreciate it. I got some snacks. Yes, I see. Unfortunately, I need you to drive. I'm on Vicodin. I'm not supposed to operate heavy machinery. I will tell you this: If you blink, if you even look like you might be dozing, let alone fall asleep, I'm gonna put hands on you. I'm gonna choke you out with your own scarf. Wrap that thing around your neck and choke you the fuck out. Promise. Seems a bit drastic. Take off your glasses. I just bought them, I wanted to showcase them. It's night. You're driving. You act like you've never been in a fender-bender. Remove them. Okay. Jolt Cola? Drink it. Yeah. You're not the boss of me, you know. I know. Just drink it. Please. Attaboy. By the way, when I fell asleep, that was a one-time occurrence. I know what I'm doing. I'm a grown man. I'm an adult. By the way, did you remember to use the restroom? Oh. PINK FLOYD'S 'HEY YOU' PLAYING 'HEY YOU' PLAYING OVER RADIO # Hey you # # Out there on your own # # Sitting naked by the phone # # Would you touch me? # # Hey you, with you ear Against the wall # # Waiting for someone To call out # # Would you touch me? # # Hey you, would you help me To carry the stone? # # Open your heart I'm coming home # COUGHING This is some stuff. This window is not working. No, I locked them so we could get a good clambake going on in here. That way, Sonny could get stoned. DOG SNORING Am I stoned? Do you feel stoned? # But it was only fantasy # # No matter how he tried He could not break free # # And the worms ate Into his brain # # Hey you don't tell me There's no hope at all # # Together we stand # # Divided we fall # PETER: Then what? How did it resolve? Well, it turns out the cheese grater was underneath the mattress. Ha, ha! That is so sophisticated. And has heart. The show has heart. How do you know so much about this? I run a fan site for the show. It's not official, but I've run a fan site for about six years. I started it at an Internet cafe. Used to go in there and wash my feet. What was the site called? It'sRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com. Wow. That is sublime. Can I retract every derogatory statement I made about you? Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet. Hand me a Bugle. Sure. Thank you. Will you feed one to the hound? Very well. Are we on the highway still? ETHAN: Relax, Peter, I've got it covered. PETER: Are you certain? ETHAN: You're getting paranoid. That pot got to you. PETER: Okay. All right, you see the flag? It looks like a border crossing, it says 'Mexico'-- ETHAN: Oh, Lord. Gosh. PETER: What? ETHAN: I thought that said Texaco. We're low on gas. Okay, we're fine. PETER: Yep. ETHAN: We're good. We're good. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna tell them? All I'm gonna do is say, 'Look, we made a mistake.' And we're gonna ask to turn around. Perfect. ETHAN: Okay, I need you to be quiet. Sit straight. Don't say anything. Won't that be suspicious if they ask me a question? Let me handle everything. You're gonna handle it. Here we go. Uh-oh. He's looking right at me. Peter, please be quiet, okay? I'm sorry. Hello. The weirdest thing happened. We just kind of got shifted-- Are you guys American citizens? Yes. Yes, we are. The both of you? Yes, absolutely. Can I see your passports? Uh, we-- we don't have passports. See, the whole thing is, we didn't mean to end up here. Somehow, I must have taken the wrong exit, and, uh, we're here, so... If we could just maybe turn around and go back? You wanna turn around? Yeah, like I said, it was a mistake. We're trying to get back-- What's wrong with your friend? Peter, don't do that. Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying? No, I have glaucoma. What about your friend, does he have glaucoma too? Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma? No, he doesn't have glaucoma. What about the dog, does he have glaucoma? Because his eyes are glassy as fuck. PETER GIGGLES Shut off the car. Give me the keys, please. Wait right here. SPEAKS IN SPANISH Did I blow it? No, we're fine. Whew. You are smooth. Wow. Hand me Sonny, please. God, my heart was in my throat. I was flipping out. Could you hand me my father's ashes? They're on the floorboard. Wow. What's--? What are you doing? Hm. No matter how many times you ask me, that's gonna be my answer. You sound like Jason Bourne, man. You don't know where you're going. No ID. I wanna speak to my consulate. The American consulate. I'm American, I have rights. Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you. Hey, Ramon. He wants to talk to his consulate. RAMON IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hello, sir. Welcome to the American consulate. How can I help you? That's unacceptable. LAUGHS What are you laughing about? This is a serious matter. I have rights. AGENT: You americanos sneak into our country. You bring drugs, you party. You sleep with our women. I've never heard of an American sneaking into Mexico. This would be an isolated incident. Actually, it's usually the reverse. I'm getting tired of your cavalier attitude. Well, I apologize. I'm sorry. You attempted to transport drugs across an international border, dude. This is serious shit. DOG BARKING BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH BOTH LAUGH Okay, Daddy. There. CLANKING ENGINE STARTS YELLS Shit! Ah! Son of a bitch! CAR HORNS HONKING Stop! Help! POLICE SIRENS WAILING Oh, shoot. GRUNTING PATROLMAN: Pull over! PETER: What the fuck? Pull the car over! No hablo ingles! Hold on, Sonny, it's about to get rough. Oh, God. SCREAMS Ethan? Hollywood! Ah! Oh, crud. Peter? Peter, are you okay? PETER: How many laws did we just break? ETHAN: I don't know, 60? I had no idea where I was going. Then I see you. Remember, when we jack-knifed together? But you didn't look like you. We locked eyes. I know that. God, you looked crazy! Yeah. Well, I'm in stealth mode. That's why I got the scarf on my head and everything. You were like a fucking commando. You were a Comanche warrior. Thanks. It was the greatest ever. Thank you. Don't move. Ready? What? Oh. CAMERA CLICKS That's your new headshot. LAUGHS Yeah. How could it not be? God, the pain is extraordinary. Will you e-mail that to me, please? Yeah. Okay. All right. Just not too much, Peter. Rescue. A daring rescue. You came back for me. Of course I did. You're so brave. Yeah. I made you a promise. I told you I was gonna get you home safe. I'm getting you home safe, okay? I'm gonna kiss you. What? I'm gonna give you a smooch. No. Come on, baby. No way! Give me a little smooch. Stop, Peter! I'm driving! Oh! Sick! You got it. My gosh, everything's up and down with you. I owe you big time. There's no way I'd be seeing my kid if you hadn't done that. There's no way. I love you, dude. BAND OF HORSES' 'THERE IS A GHOST' PLAYING I love you too, Peter. # I could sleep # # I could sleep # # I could sleep # CELL PHONE RINGS Oh, dear. Sweetheart, I am so sorry. You know how I get. I've always been jealous. It's... You knew about that. I told you I ran into him there. I know, and I know it has nothing to do with you. It's all just my shit. It's my shit. Just listen to me, okay? Don't say anything. Just listen. I would never betray you, Peter, you know that. We're a family now. Nothing else matters. Do you understand? You're so right. Can you just get home safely, please? I love you, baby. I love you too. # When I lived alone # Wake up. Ethan. Check it out. PETER: I'm telling you, I wouldn't make it up. ETHAN: You sure? I could've sworn I read it was man-made. PETER: Nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact. Peter, I have a photogenic memory. I have recall for-- Ethan, I promise you. It's-- It's old. It's the Grand Canyon, it's not the Hoover Dam. Well, I know it's not the Hoover Dam, that was built by the Pilgrims. PETER: Also incorrect. ETHAN: It's magnificent though. You didn't have to stop, you know. That's okay. It's the perfect place. We should hit the road. I can do that any time. Wait, what are you talking about? We got plenty of time. We don't have to be in L.A. till morning. Relax. We should just stick with the plan, you know? But I thought this was part of the plan. What am I missing, Ethan? What's really going on? When I said the Grand Canyon wasn't on the way, you said: 'Too bad, it would've been perfect.' And when I said we passed the Mississippi River you said: 'Too bad, Dad loved titties and jazz.' I just-- You know, we got stuff to do and I don't wanna step on it. I know it's hard to say goodbye. And I didn't know your dad, but from what you've told me he was a great father. He was a cool guy. I'm just saying. I'm just suggesting. If you got it in you, he deserves a grand gesture. Okay. ROD STEWART'S 'AMAZING GRACE' PLAYING PETER SMACKING LIPS PETER: Come on, Sonny. Come here, sweetheart. Yeah. Dad, you were like a father to me. And... I don't know how I'm gonna make it without you. But I know that you'll look after me from up there. I'm gonna make you proud, Dad. Okay. I promise. I love you. Say hi to Mom. # That a saved a wretch Like me # # I once was lost # # But now I'm found # Bye, Daddy. # Was blind # # But now I see # He was a great guy. You would've loved him. He was just like me. Hey, uh... Um, Ethan, there's something I've been wanting to tell you I feel pretty awful about. I kind of want to get it off my chest. I, uh... I ditched you at the rest stop in Louisiana. What? I had no intention of coming back. So wrong. Why would you do that? Because I'm a pig. I'm an asshole. I'm working on it. Well, you know what? You came back with doughnuts. I think that says more about you than leaving does. So, ugh, just-- You're something else. Thanks. Ah. That's a load off. Well, there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest too. Shoot. I'm not really 23 years old. I know. It's okay. The other thing is... Peter... I have your wallet and I've had it this whole time. What? What are you talking about? Peter, okay, listen. Why would you do that? I saw it on the plane and I didn't wanna be alone. I was feeling vulnerable because of my father's death. And I just didn't wanna go across country by myself, you know? It's all here. Yeah. All my money, all my credit cards. Everything... Everything I needed. This whole time. You're okay with it? It's in the past. What are you gonna do? Okay. Okay. Thanks, Peter. Yep. Okay. Let's just hit the road then, right? Yeah. You get Sonny, and I'll drive. I'll grab him in a minute. After I fucking kill you! Ow! You little thief prick. Die, thief. You thief. Calm down! Peter, count to 10. It'll help. Aah! CELL PHONE RINGING The phone's ringing! ETHAN COUGHING Hello, dear. Peter, it's happening. What? You won't believe it. My water broke. How? Where are you? I'm at the Grand Canyon. I'll be there in a minute. What? Did you just say the Grand Canyon? Peter? Mom? He's at the Grand Canyon. Oh, my God. Who was it? My wife has gone into labour. I thought we were having a C-section. Get in the car. You stepped on my Capezios-- Okay, okay, okay! Let's go! Good God, you maniac. LOUD ROCK MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Not gonna make it. That's great. I'm gonna miss the birth of my child. We are gonna make it. There's no 'we.' Don't say 'we.' Okay, look-- No. Me first. First of all-- Please, can I--? No. You can't. I told you I saw red. I told you I was gonna put hands on you. I have a problem. And I'm sorry you were the recipient of it. But I warned you. I'm sorry. Fine. But in the future, when we're hanging out as buddies, if we get into a fight, don't go for my face. You know that's how I make a living. Okay? Okay. Still bleeding. Check the glove. There's probably a first-aid kit or something. Clean yourself up. Check this thing out. Oh, shoot. SCREAMS I can't believe I did that. Aah! Sorry, Peter. I'm so sorry. I didn't think it was loaded. I'm so embarrassed. Pull over. No, I wanna keep going. No, no, no. Pull over. I don't want to stop. Pull over. No, it didn't happen, it didn't happen! Why? I'm in shock! It burns! PETER SCREAMING ETHAN: Pull over! Pull over! PETER GROANING Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! GROANS Oh, no. Yep. It's right there, yep. I'm so sorry. Don't worry about it. We gotta stop the bleeding. Need a tourniquet. Turn around? No. No, a tourniquet. A tourniquet. What the fuck are you doing? Turn around! Stay still. I got it. You're fine. Right here. I need you to tie it. Yeah. I only got one hand. It's deep in there. We gotta get you to a hospital. We're going to a hospital. We're gonna be fine. Oh, God! What did I do? Stop freaking out. It's okay. What did I do? What did I do? Tell you what, let's do a little acting exercise like we did at the rest stop in the bathroom, okay? You're a sergeant, I'm just another grunt in your platoon but you promised me that you'd get me home to my high-school sweetheart. Okay. Action. VOMITING Peter. Yeah? I puked on the wound. I know. It's okay, buddy. I need you to drive, but we gotta go. Okay? Come on. Get in the back seat, private. What are you, a girl or something? Excellent. Something like that? Yeah, let's roll. Yeah, okay. TYRES SQUEALING ICE CUBE & CHUCK D'S 'CHECK YA SELF 2010' PLAYING # You better check yourself Or you'll wreck yourself # # Cause I'm bad For your health # # I come real stealth # # Droppin' bombs on your moms Car alarms # # Doin' foul crimes I'm the nigga with the Alpine # # Sold it for a 6-0 Always let tricks know # # And friends know We got the indo # # No, I'm not a sucker Sittin' in the house of pain # # I'm not the butler I'll cut you # # Check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check, yo Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # 'Cause shotgun bullets Are bad for your health # # My microphone check # # One, two # # My microphone check # # One, two # # Hey, my microphone check # ETHAN: You figured it out yet? Figured what out? Your son's about to be born. What are you gonna name him? I'll know it when I see him. How about 'Sonny'? No. Not naming my son after a masturbating dog. Don't listen to him, Sonny. He loves you. Sonny, no! Sonny. Sorry. We're heading home! CAR HORNS HONKING # Hey, chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Come on # # You better check yourself Check yourself # I made it. Okay, come on. I made it. Oh, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey. Sonny, we'll be right back, okay? Got it. PETER: Fuck. Thank you. ETHAN: I have an expectant father and a gunshot victim. PETER: I know where we're going. Right here. Then we cut left. Shoot. What? I forgot to crack a window for Sonny. The door's off the car, Ethan. Right. Okay, good. See? Together we think of everything. Okay, here we go. Let's get you cleaned up. Right? Great. Yeah. Give me these guys. It's all about to go down. Give you a vest, cover up the blood. Have I told you that I love your perm? Thank you, Peter. Look who's come around. PETER: Sarah? No, come on, come on. This way, this way. Here we go. Ma'am. Here we go. Put your handcuffs in your pocket. Hide them. Check. Here's the Rally Monkey. Boom. Oh! Just keep pushing. Sarah? Sarah? Peter? You hear that? Go! SARAH: Peter! Sarah! Darryl. What the fuck? FATHER: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, hey. Who the hell is this guy? You gotta go, man. You gotta go. SARAH: Peter! Peter, it's this way. What the fuck? Baby! Baby, you made it! Jesus, Peter, are you okay? No, I just lost a little blood. Oh! Oh, my God! ETHAN: Everybody relax. Just relax. We need to find a hospital, okay? Who are you? My name is Ethan Tremblay. I'm your husband's best friend. It's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Now, let's get that baby out of your vagina. Okay. Ah! Breathe. Ah! BABY CRYING ETHAN: Look at the babies. Look at that baby, right? Oh. You see it? You little rascal. PETER: What do we got? Look what you made. Show me. Ohh. He's really cute. That's a handsome boy. It's a girl, actually. Mm-mm. Yep. No, the-- Dr. Greene says it happens all the time. You know, ultrasounds aren't always reliable. Right. Little Rosie. PETER: Rosie? Little Rosie Highman. Does that sound strange to you? No, it's such a pretty name. Sarah thought you'd be okay with it. When'd you talk to Sarah? Right after I cut the umbilical cord. You cut it? The tether of life from mother to child. I got to cut that. No. Yes. You? I kept some. I kept a little bit of it and put it in my wallet. It's good for sore ankles and stuff. Wow. Wow. Whew. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ethan, I dreamt this. This is crazy. I had this strange dream... Yeah? ...that was today. And-- And there was a bear. A what? And the bear chewed the cord. Mm-hm. I mean, that's kind of spot-on if you think about it. That's like a one in a... You know what I mean? I don't get it. What--? Forget it. It's-- It's... It's gotta be a good sign. I guess I'll maybe leave you with your family, and I got that meeting with that agent. It's Friday. Yeah. Yeah, good luck. Oh, I wanted to give you this. It has all of my information. Mm-hm. In case you wanna get a soda. Or, you know, I could babysit. Right. Uh, I'll keep it handy. We had a crazy few days. That was nuts. We should do it again. Go across country again. Okay. Sure. Call me tomorrow about it. If I don't-- Call me tomorrow about it. I might e-mail you. Please don't take it personally. No, no, e-mail's fine. DOG WHEEZES PETER: Bye, Sonny. Do you mid if Sonny and I take the truck? Feel free. It's been a real pleasure, Peter. Been a lot of things. Thanks. SIGHS Hey. Ethan. Welcome to Hollywood. What's that? You want me to come back and talk to you? No, no, I was just saying in the most general sense. The city welcomes you. Just make sure you call me tomorrow. I'll call you. # Men, men, men, men # # Manly men, men, men # # Men, men, men, men # # Manly men, men, men # DOORBELL RINGS ALAN: Be right there. # Oh-ho # # Men # AUDIENCE LAUGHING Hello? Oh, hey. I'm Stu, the tutor. Are you Jake? No, I'm his father. Oh. I'm Stu, the tutor. Right. Have you been smoking pot? No, sir. Not at all. Perhaps you're smelling my cat. LAUGHS ALAN: Your cat? ETHAN: Yes, sir. He's an outdoor cat. You know what, he's really funny. Don't get crazy. I'm telling you, the show's funny. Come on. You love him. You know you love him. I survived him. There's a difference. Um, uh, Charlie, this is Jake's tutor, Stu. Hey. I'm not high, man, it's my cat. CELL PHONE VIBRATES CHARLIE: Relax, Stu. We're not cops. ETHAN: Oh, really? He sure looks like the heat. Like clockwork. I told him we'd call him after we watched it. SARAH: He's excited. If she says his name, I'll freak out. LAUGHS COOING ETHAN: Pita bread? Hummus? Um, again, no thank you. You got any more pot? Not for $9 an hour I don't. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. # You better check yourself Or you'll wreck yourself # # Cause I'm bad For your health # # I come real stealth # # Droppin' bombs on your moms Car alarms # # Doin' foul crimes I'm the nigga with the Alpine # # Sold it for a 6-0 Always let tricks know # # And friends know We got the indo # # No, I'm not a sucker Sittin' in the house of pain # # And no, I'm not the butler I'll cut you # # Head-butt you You say you can't touch this # # And I wouldn't touch you Punk motherfuck you # # Here to let you know, boy Oh, boy # # I make dough But don't call me doughboy # # This ain't no fuckin' Motion picture # # A guy or bitch-a My nigga get wit'cha # # And hit you, takin' that yack To the neck # # So you better run a check # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # 'Cause shotgun bullets Are bad for your health # # My microphone check # # One, two # # My microphone check # # One, two # # Hey, my microphone check # # What you gonna do? # # My microphone check # # Come on # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # Chickety-check yourself Before you wreck yourself # # 'Cause bitches like you Is bad for my health # # Come on # # You better # # You better # # Oh, yeah # # You better # # Uh # # You better # # Uh # # You better # www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2013