CHEERY MUSIC (SIGHS) DOOR OPENS Morning. Thank you so much for picking me up. No problemo, Linda. Uh, it's Laura. It's still Laura. I can't tell if this is a joke any more. No. I just find, um, the ear has real trouble with exotic names. Right. OK. Rollo. Hey, thanks for giving me a ride to the studio. I know it's really out of your way. No, no problem. I just wish you'd told us you couldn't drive. I mean, we've been paying you in petrol vouchers. Oh, yeah. No, no, that's all good. You can buy lots of stuff from the petrol station ` magazines and mints and beanies. Got my milk and bread from there the other day, so... Oh, YOLO. Hey, what do you think of my fancy new car? Check this out. Car,... CAR BEEPS ...take a photo of me and Lauren driving then upload it to Facebook and write, 'Pauline likes this.' MALE VOICE: This car can't do that and you know it. Car, can you tell us how far we are from our destination, please? No. (SIGHS) We're probably not too far away. ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny girls. # Funny what? # Oh my God. Did you guys hear about Ethan Shaw the other day? That is so embarrassing. < That's why you don't press 'reply all'. < Busted. Oh my God, guys. Did you hear that Sally Kate totally hooked up with that IT guy Mike? (GASPS) Oh my God. Have you met Mike before? He is not hot. (GASPS) Oh my God, guys. Have you heard about this guy called Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour? Cos I actually have some books on him if you're interested. I mean, he's actually` OK, Penny. This is your first warning. Not everyone gets invited to Tuesday gossip session, OK? Oh, ladies. Did you hear how Patricia totally crashed her scooter the other day? How did that bitch get a licence? Oh, ladies, did you know that Hot Michael from work actually has dentures? They totally fell out at his performance review. I still would, though. Samesies. Oh my God, ladiiiiiiies. Did you hear about something that happened, like, 2000 years ago when Christ actually died for our sins? Penny, there is a time and a place, OK? All right, now, get this ` Sarah Thorpe is moving office because she has an allergy to white boys. Oh my God. That is not a thing. Oh, get this ` OK, Jemima has a secret drawer in her desk where she keeps non-Paleo snacks. Oh my God. Get this ` ALL GROAN I went on a date with our boss. What? Yeah, he came to my house in this private car with, like, tinted windows, because obviously he doesn't want his wife to find out, and he rolled down the window and he was like, 'Oh my God, get in, you fucking slut,' and I was like, 'Oh my God, you're, like, my employer. 'I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted,' and so we went to this car park near the bay, and we had sex in this, like, empty shipping container. We just, like, effed, like, all night. Like, he effed on my butt and, like, my face and in my ears and, like, the most embarrassing thing is that I enjoyed it, but then what happened is that I fell pregnant with his baby and he was like, 'No way. I'm not the father. I'm not giving you a cent,' and I'm like, 'Oh my God. I cannot support a baby on my salary.' So I went back to selling crack, and then two months into selling crack, I found out that my biggest client was the boss' wife. So one day she confronted me about it, and I didn't even know who it was, because she was wearing this mask that was made out of, like, an old sack. But she ripped off the mask, and she looked me dead in the eye, and she was like, 'I know everything about you, you little bitch,' and I was like, 'Oh my God. I am terrified. Like, I am so high on smack right now.' ALL: What did you do? Well, I bent down, I got on my knees, and I started to pray, and you guys can too, because the power of prayer is` Penny! It is lunchtime on a Tuesday. There is a time and a place, OK? God! At least I'm not an alcoholic, so... You're a boring bitch. Bitch is a female dog, so not even a insult. MOMENTOUS MUSIC ELECTRICITY CRACKLES DRAMATIC MUSIC What happened to us? I dunno, sis. I feel... different. Hey, it's the President. What are you doing here? I came here because I need soldiers. I need soldiers who aren't afraid of risk. If we were afraid of risk, we wouldn't have volunteered for a nuclear super-soldier transformation project. Especially not one still in its beta stage. ALL LAUGH Now, Force Family, I know that we told you that after the nuclear implosion that that would invert your molecular structure, expanding both your brain and muscle strength. But there have been some side effects. Your genetic makeup has shifted, resulting in` Well, I don't know how to tell you this. DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS You now all have superpowers. Get out! Jethro, you now have the ability to create flames out of thin air. Whoa! Anybody need a light? ALL LAUGH Impressive. David, blow into your hand. Ice to meet you. Guess I'm on drinks, then. ALL LAUGH Hey, what's mine? What's mine? Try holding your breath. SLAP LAUGHTER Hey, what did Kate get? Yeah, what's my power, Doctor? Oh, uh, Kate. Kate now has the ability to read the minds of any domestic pet. Wow. Wow. What? This first mission doesn't involve any pets so you can just hang back, but the rest of you` Wait. No. The girl always gets the shittest superpower. No way. We need to go back into the nuclear reactor. Kate, we really need to get started on this mission. We'll get started when everyone in this family is seen as equals. HEROIC MUSIC CAR HORN HONKS Shoot, shag, marry ` Rose, me, you. Pauline, you need to stop putting yourself in these. RINGING Hello, Pauline speaking, in a car. Hi, Pauline. It's me speaking, in an office. Uh, well, actually us speaking. I've got one of those fancy new phones that lets you talk to a bunch of people at the same time. ALL: Hello, Pauline. Pauline, I've had a brainwave re Funny Girls. Go on. So I'm thinking ` and I can't believe this didn't occur to me earlier ` we hire, in a lead role, my girlfriend. You're such a good boyfriend, man. She'll love you for it. She'll really love you for it. Uh, well, obviously we can't afford to hire anyone else. Of course not. No, we're running dangerously low on petrol vouchers as it is. No, we'd have to drop someone and I'm thinking, uh, Rose B. You know` Oh, uh, Less-Hot Rose. Oh, what's her name? Poor Man's Rose. The Antz to Rose's A Bug's Life. Uh, the sequel to Rose but we couldn't afford to get the original Rose back for it. Yeah, what's her name? Laura. Done. She's gone, then. I'll send my girlfriend in to meet Rose in make-up right now. OK, bye. (EXHALES) Did I just get fired? Sorry, I've got my mouth full. THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # UPBEAT MUSIC (YELLS) Oh, my` Sorry. (LAUGHS) I didn't see you there. Most people often don't. So are you doing the make-up here today? OK. I will. Sorry? I forgive you. Are you a make-up artist? Yeah, I can do that. No, I mean, have you been personally hired here today to do the make-up? OK. I accept. No. No, I mean ` is this your kit? Have you`? Have you set this up? Or are you filling in for someone? Or, um, are y` are you the make-up artist is what I'm trying to ask. Yes. If I'm going to be a make-up artist, then I will need a make-up set. No, are you even working on this show? OK. I accept. Accept what? I will be on the show. What? No. (SCOFFS) CELL PHONE KEYS TAP Would you mind doing my make-up? OK. Pauline? WHISPERS: Who are you? DRAMATIC MUSIC Well, Force Family, I can honestly say you are even more ready for combat than before. Well, Force Family, I can honestly say you are even more ready for combat than before. Jethro, you have now obtained the ability to move things with your mind. (GRUNTS) Yes, I can. (CHUCKLES) David, you can now create lightning with your fingertips. CRACKLING Shocking. ALL LAUGH Stan, you can now make any part of your body bigger for more power. Whoa. Hang on. Yep, works for anything. And, Kate, you now have the ability to grow an entire human inside your womb. Wait, I can give birth? Just like any human woman? Oh, (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry. It actually clearly says here that you can't do that any more because of all the` the nuclear stuff, so, um... Science. Ooh, but it does say that you can actually now read a book at three times the speed of any normal human, so... That's right, Kate. You're gonna be so helpful with research. Oh, yes. Now, boys` Research? Nope. We're going back in the reactor, or I will read Game of Thrones slightly faster than everyone here and spoil it for everyone. I` I ca` I surrender. Follow me. DRAMATIC MUSIC # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS (GRUNTS) Whoa. Check out that guy's ball gap. What? You know, the gap between his thighs where you can just make out the outline of his balls. Ooh. Yeah, I'm not into that. Nah, yeah, no. N` Not at all. On the night of September 8th 2015, Karen Riley got ready to hit da clubs. But she never made it da home. One woman, born with a gift like no other, pieces together memories you can't. My name's Deb Tanner, and I'm a medium, but I'm not just any medium. Being an ex-cop and a current alcoholic means I have a particular combination of skills. Oh, and I also do magic. DRAMATIC MUSIC This is ` Deb and her team are at Karen Riley's flat to see what clues they can uncover on the missing girl's whereabouts. We never get drunk like that. GLASSES CLINK I only had, like, two Pinot Grigios. I believe we were, like, drugged. Drugged? Well, according to your EFTPOS receipts last night, you purchased two bottles of tequila, six Quick Fucks and a 12-pack of KGBs. Ain't that some bullshit? Yes! (GROANS) We were drugged by alcohol we ingested into our bodies. Yeah. Yeah. With few leads, it's time for Deb to do what she does best. To really get into the mindset of Karen, I think that I should finish this. Deb, do we really have to do this? > Shh. Jeff, it's part of my process. Yes, this one too. Deb has an almost supernatural power to connect with missing persons through the medium of alcohol. GLASS HITS COUNTER She went to town. She went to town for a little dance. Deb's gift has led her to a popular waterfront bar where she believes Karen went dancing. UPBEAT MUSIC SLURS: Chill out, everyone. Chill out. Let's go down. Whoo! Whoo! Deb's commitment to the job is unparalleled. She's now fully communing with the spirits. SLURS: Outside. She went outside. We` Outside. Let's go. (RETCHES, COUGHS) Stop. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. The trail has become blurry for Deb, but after a short nap, there's a breakthrough. (YELLS) I know where she is. SLURS: Let's go. Someone help me up. CRASHING Surprisingly, the trail has once again led back to the house of Deb's ex-boyfriend Derek. Derek. Deb. Deb? It's 3am in the morning, Deb. You gotta stop doing this. Please, leave me alone. Hey, guys. I can read minds, Derek. Like that time you lost your car keys. You knew where they were cos you hid them yourself. WHISPERS: I got the sight. (MOANS) Hey, night, guys. Night, Derek. > Just when all seems hopeless, there's good news ` Karen has been found. Come on. Come on. But we still haven't found Karen yet. Uh, no. We have found Karen. We've taken her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped like we're gonna do for you. Let's go. SLURS: Another case solved by Deb Tanner. Oh God! Next week, we send Deb to investigate a cold case at an AA meeting on... CHEERFUL MUSIC Butter on the popcorn, sweetheart? No. (CHUCKLES) Oh, go on, then. (LAUGHS) Nothing says 'feel good' like binging on your favourite medieval fantasy series with your loved one. Ooh, that brothel scene was pretty raunchy. But nothing says 'buzz kill' like witnessing the frequent and unnecessary rape of all your favourite female characters. Time for the next episode. Wait. Introducing... Game of Thrones for Women. It replaces gratuitous rape scenes and illegally tampers with the storylines to make them a little less traumatising to watch, all for her comfort. So no prostitutes are killed in this episode? Is she murdered? No. She gets paid fairly for her work and sends herself to university. And you'll never even notice a difference. Half of the time it's barely essential to the story. (SCREAMS) Get your hands off me! > As you wish, My Lady. > All I am saying is that this is actually historically accurate. That is just what happened to women back in those days. And all I'm saying is that I think we should see other people. (SOBS) Game of Thrones for Women. We get it, George RR Martin ` you've never kissed a girl. DING! # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Why won't this freakin' arsehole let me in? Car, honk horn. Honk. Honk. Honk it. Car, honk! Ho` (HONKS HORN) (SIGHS) I should've said something. Um, look, it's fine, Pauline. It kind of felt like a fluke that I'd been hired in the first place. I don't really know what I'm doing. Look, it wasn't a fluke and nobody in any job knows 100% what they're doing. Even you? Even me. Although I do do an exceptionally good job of hiding it. You know that feeling of being just out of your depth? Well, that feeling never goes away. And sometimes you'll make mistakes. Sometimes you freeze up when a boardroom full of moronic dickheads wearing novelty ties tries to convince you to fire one of your core team. We're still here, by the way. Fuck. CAR PHONE BEEPS REPEATEDLY Still there? Um, yeah. Can't figure out how to turn this thing off. (LAUGHS) OK, good, because your girlfriend's gone. Laura's staying. Car, hang up. DIAL TONE (EXHALES) Who's Laura? I have no idea. Whoo! (EXHALES) What a rush. Are you in trouble? No. Who cares? Probably not. I don't know. Maybe. I d` I don't think so. What do`? What do you think? I` Yeah, I` I` I` I` I probably am. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta take charge. You know what, Laura? It's time for you to take charge. SEATBELT CLICKS Whoa. Whoa, Pauline, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, Pauline? I'm gonna teach you to drive. Go. Right now? I just gotta lift my leg. OK. OK, so take it easy, but also hurry, because we need to get to set to find out if either of us have a job, OK? Belts. OK. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Car, belt! You've gotta do that one yourself. Oh. Oh, it's just manual. # Uh, yeah. # Uh, uh, uh, yeah. # DRAMATIC MUSIC ELECTRICITY CRACKLES All right, Force Family. We're gonna break this down quickly because Dr Destruction has killed a lot of people while you've been going back in there for new powers. Yeah. Thanks for that, Kate (!) When you're ready, Doc. Jethro, you can now create earthquakes. Oh. (SCOFFS) GLASS SHATTERS Well, I guess you can call me Magnitude. (CHUCKLES) David, you now have laser beams as eyes. All the better to see you with. Stan, you're obviously now a rock. I always knew I was born to rock. And Kate, you now have the ability to move in slow motion and only slow motion. SLO-MO: What? No time to talk, heroes. Now, get out there and give Dr Destruction a taste of his own medicine. HEROIC MUSIC KEYBOARD CLACKS CELL PHONE CHIMES CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS What? No, that's not a good angle. Oh, this light` lighting. Back on. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS What? That's not` I don't look like` (CHUCKLES) I don't look like` Who am I talking to? Jeez. Um, OK. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS What? That's a dog. Something's broken in my phone. Cute. Cute. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS That's just ridiculous. (LAUGHS) OK. That's not what I look like. All right. (SIGHS) CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS Finally! Perfect. That's exactly what I look like. Send. CHEERFUL MUSIC Stoner Transformers, take one. And action. REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS Autobots, roll up your joints. Spliff it. I w` What the`? MUSIC FADES OUT Oh, come on. Where is Laura? BELL RINGS Uh, I dunno. We just got told that she's been replaced. I've worked hard on this. No, you haven't! Is Laura gone? That's right. She's being replaced. Nope. That is not happening. WHINES: Babe. You promised. (GROWLS) (GROWLS) (GROWLS LOUDER) (WHIMPERS) Um, sorry, babe. (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) It's OK. I was doing all the heavy lifting anyway. (SCOFFS) Let's go get an apology dessert. Pauline, that was amazing. Yeah, I think I blacked out for a moment. Thanks, Pauline. That was really cool. No problem, Laura. Anything for you, Laura. OK, Rose. I'm gonna leave you and Laura to it. Have fun, OK? Oh, my gosh, she remembered your name. I know, right? (LAUGHS) That's great. And guess what. What? I drove here. Oh, my g` Great progress. Oh, no. It won't ever be happening again. METAL SCRAPES Oh, and, Laura, this will be coming out of your petrol vouchers, OK? That's fair. METAL SCRAPES Captioned by Catherine de Chalain. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 Thanks, NZ On Air. Your superpower is giving us money.