1 'It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.' 'For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most intelligent.' 'The second most intelligent were, of course, dolphins, who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of planet Earth.' 'They had attempted to alert mankind to the danger, but their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to whistle for tidbits. So they eventually decided they'd leave Earth by their own means. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a backward somersault through a hoop, whistling The Star Spangled Banner.' 'But, in fact, the message was this, "So long. Thanks for all the fish."' # So long and thanks for all the fish. So sad that it should come to this # We tried to warn you all, but, oh, dear # You may not share our intellect Which might explain your disrespect # For all the natural wonders that grow around you # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # The world's about to be destroyed There's no point getting all annoyed # Lie back and let the planet dissolve around you # Despite those nets of tuna fleets # We thought that most of you were sweet # Especially tiny tots and your pregnant women # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # If I had just one last wish # I would like a tasty fish # If we could just change one thing # We would all have learnt to sing # Come, one and all # Man and mammal # Side by side # In life's great gene pool # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # (BIRDS TWITTER) (COCK CROWS) 'The extraordinary story of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy begins very simply. It begins with a man.' Oh! 'An Earthman, to be precise, who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company.' (BEEPING) 'His name is Arthur Dent.' 'He is a five-foot, eight-inch-tall ape descendant, and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house.' I want you to find him and tell him I am currently lying flat on my back in front of... Fine, I'll hold. Come off it, Mr Dent, you can't lie in front of bulldozers forever. We'll see who rusts first. This bypass has got to be built and it is going to be built. Why has it got to be built? It's a bypass! You've gotta build bypasses. Besides, you should have made your protest months ago. The plans were on display at the planning office for a year. On display? I had to go down to a cellar. Mr Dent, have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you? How much? None at all. 'By a strange coincidence, "none at all" is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, but was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.' Arthur! Arthur! Ford! Yes? Here. Oh, there you are. Come, eat, drink with me. We gotta talk. Not the best time. They're going to demolish my home. Whoa! You already... You already know? How? What d'you...? Oh, they. They. When you say "they", you mean they. Listen, I got something important I gotta tell you right now. Well, what about my house? Workers of the Earth, I bring good tidings of peanuts and beer. (CHEERFUL CHATTER) Come on, let's go to the pub. Huh? They say they won't work until they finish their beers. Can we trust 'em? I trust 'em to the end of the Earth. How far's that? About 12 minutes away. Huh? Barman, six pints of bitter, and quickly, the world's about to end. Six pints coming up. Keep the change. You've got about ten minutes to spend it. Three pints each? At lunchtime? Sorry. Er... Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so. And eat those peanuts, because we'll need the salt. What is going on, Ford? Arthur,... ..what if I told you I really wasn't from Guildford, that I was from a small planet somewhere near Betelgeuse? Is that the sort of thing you're likely to say? Remember when we met? (MIMICS ENGINE) What are you doing? Out the way! (GRUNTS) Hi. It wasn't strange I was trying to shake hands with a car? I assumed you were drunk. I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was trying to introduce myself. You saved my life. Now I'm... I'm saving yours. Drink. It must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of them. Look, if this is about your house... No, it's not about the house. (BEEP) Who's he? She. She. Tricia McMillan. We met at a fancy dress party. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) 'See, I hate those kind of parties.' 'I'd rather have stayed at home and ironed me hankies.' Oh, no, I mean, who are you? Oh, the costume. Right. "Livingstone, I presume!" Yeah, it's not as clever as Darwin, but it's the best I could do at short notice. You're the first person who's got it. Really? Yes. Everyone keeps calling me Santa. (LAUGHS) Right! The beagle should give it away. I guess most people who come to these parties are drunken idiots. What? (MUSIC STOPS) I said all these people are idiots! God. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) That's awkward. Tell me. She was amazing, though, Ford. 'Beautiful. Witty. Mad as a balloon.' I've gotta say, without the beard, you look at least 80 years younger. Maybe I'm de-evolving. (BOTH LAUGH HAUGHTILY) Well, I should tell you that I do not date single-cell organisms, OK? Let's go somewhere. Yeah, definitely. Erm,... where do you have in mind? Madagascar. Is that that new club on Dean Street? No, it's a country off the coast of Africa. That Madagascar! Why are we waiting here? Wait a sec. (LAUGHS) Go! (BOTH LAUGH) God, you're serious. Erm, I can't go to Madagascar. Why not? Because I just, you know... You're really serious? Yeah. I wanna go somewhere I've never been and I'd like to go with you. What do you say, Dr Livingstone? I say, that's... an extraordinary proposition. I can't... I can't go. I've got a job. Quit. Get a new one when you come back. I don't even know your name. Ow! Tricia McMillan. Well, Tricia McMillan, erm, I have a proposition for you. Why don't we go somewhere a little closer first, say Cornwall, and see how it goes? Alright. Of course, Cornwall. Hey, excuse me. Is this cat boring you? Why don't you talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. (LAUGHS) It's true. You wanna see my spaceship? (LAUGHS) '"You wanna see my spaceship?"' What kind of chat-up line is that? Hm. That does happen. Speaking of... We've got two minutes. Drink up. Drink up. (RUMBLING) That's my house! People of Earth, a round of drinks for everyone, on me. Thank you, mate. Is the world really going to end? Yes. Shouldn't we lie down, or put paper bags over our heads or something? If you'd like. Will it help? Not at all. Last orders, then! What is that? Run! Look out! Move it! (SCREAMING) A-ha! Towel! Arthur! What the hell are those things? Yo! They're ships from a Vogon constructor fleet. I picked up their signal this morning. Here. You'll need this. (WHIMPERS) What are you doing? Hang on. We're hitching a ride. (ELECTRICAL FEEDBACK) Erm,... people of Earth, this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you may be aware, plans for the development of the outlying regions of the galaxy involve building a hyperspace express route through your star system. And your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. (SCREAMING) (BAAING) "There's no point acting all surprised about it." "The plans have been on display at your local planning office in Alpha Centauri for 50 Earth years." "If you don't take an interest in local affairs it's your own lookout." Apathetic bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all. (SCREAMS) 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book.' 'Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor.' 'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than 53 More Things To Do In Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes, and, Who Is This God Person, Anyway?' 'It's already supplanted the Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom for two important reasons.' 'First, it's slightly cheaper.' 'And second, it has the words "Don't Panic" printed in large friendly letters on its cover.' So you're not from Guildford. Which would explain the accent, which I've always wondered about. Erm, you're not an out-of-work actor, but rather a writer for this... this book thing. It's good, huh? I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea. If I asked where we were, would I regret it? We're safe for now. Good. (SNIFFS) We're in the washroom on a ship of the Vogon constructor fleet. Oh, get me home, Ford! Arthur, your home is... Oh, my God! My home! My home was demolished! You don't remember? OK, Arthur,... I've got something to tell you. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Your whole planet has been blown up. (CHUCKLES) Blown up. (GROANS) Couldn't you have done something? I saved your life. OK. That makes us even. It's a tough galaxy. If you want to survive out here, you gotta know... where your towel is. OK, give me a hand over here. Careful. It's hot. We gotta get off this ship before the Vogons find us. Vogons, they hate hitchhikers. Pull. Huh? Oh. (YELLS) (LAUGHS) Now we'll get a signal. What is a Vogon? Ask the Guide. Say, "Vogons". Vogons. 'Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy.' 'Not evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous.' 'They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.' 'On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.' They can't think or imagine, most can't spell, they just run things. Huh? Hmm. And if we don't get a ride soon, we won't need the Guide to tell us how unpleasant the Vogons can be. They've already destroyed a planet, that always makes them a little... (ROARING) (GROANS) What is that? Put this in your ear. Huh? Ford! Get that...! Argh! "We have unwittingly picked up a couple of hitchhikers!" The fish is translating for you! 'The Babel fish is small, yellow, leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the universe.' 'It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing unconscious frequencies and excreting a matrix of conscious frequencies to the speech centres of the brain, the practical upshot of which is that if you stick one in your ear, you instantly understand anything said to you in any language.' . (THUDDING) Resistance is useless. (SIGHS) Alright. Upcoming. Here we go! Look lively! (CHATTER) (SQUEALING) Oh! Yargh! (LAUGHS) (SCREECHING) Sir. What? Hitchhikers. Oh. (GROANS) (FORD WHIMPERS) (CLEARS THROAT) "Oh, freddled gruntbuggly." No, really, you don't have to read. We've put you through enough trouble already. "Plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee." 'Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the third worst in the universe.' 'The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria.' 'During a recitation by their Poet Master, Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off.' "Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts..." (WHIMPERS) 'The absolute worst poetry was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex.' 'Luckily, it was destroyed with the Earth.' "See if I don't!" Yeah. (MUTTERING) So, Earthlings, I present you with a choice. Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my poem. (MUTTERING) A-A-Actually, I rather liked it. Oh? That's good. Run with it. Hmm. Some of the words I didn't understand, but I found the imagery quite effective. Continue. Well, interesting rhythmic devices which seemed to counterpoint the underlying metaphor of the humanity of... Vogonity! Sorry! The Vogonity of the poet's soul. (MUTTERING) (CLEARS THROAT) So, what you're saying is, I write poetry because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior,... I just want to be loved? Yes. Yes! Yes! Yes. Yeah. Please. Ah! (GROANS) Throw them off the ship! (HUBBUB) Alright! Resistance is useless. Shut up! Get a job! Wash your filthy hands! Don't panic. Don't panic. So, this is it. We're gonna die. Yeah,... we're gonna die. No! No. What's this? What's that? What's this? What's this? This is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die. (SIGHS) You're sweating. Would you like a hug? No. (KLAXON WAILS / RUMBLING) 'Space, says the introduction to The Hitchhiker's Guide, is big.' 'Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is, and so on.' 'It also says that if you hold a lungful of air, you can survive in the total vacuum of space for about 30 seconds.' 'But with space being really big an' all, the chances of being picked up within that time are two to the power of 2,079,460,347 to 1 against.' 'Which, by a staggering coincidence, is also the phone number of the Islington flat where Arthur went to a fancy dress party and met a very nice young woman whom he totally blew it with.' 'Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat and telephone have all now been demolished, Ford and Arthur were, in fact, rescued.' Ford? Yes. I think I'm a sofa. I know how you feel. (BOTH SCREAM) So much for the laws of physics. "And, once again, our top story." "The sensational theft of the most coveted ship in the universe, the starship Heart of Gold, stolen at the launch ceremony by none other than Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox." "In the name of people and freedom and democracy, stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking the ship with me." "Whoo! Come on! I love it!" "(ALL GASP)" "Beeblebrox, considered the dimmest star in several solar systems, is most famous for his controversial defeat of Humma Kavula, who claimed many thought they were voting for the Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Universe contest." (LAUGHS) "Humma Kavula is best remembered for his slanderous 'Don't Vote For Stupid' campaign." Put your ego aside, something important happened. If there's anything more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot right now. Hey. Come on. I love it. "Zaphod's just this guy, you know." (LAUGHS) Hey, hey, hey, hey! I was just watching myself. The computer says we have hitchhikers in our receiving bay. Hitchhikers! Why'd you pick up hitchhikers? I didn't, the ship did. What? Say, what? Well, when we engaged the Improbability Drive,... This, the big button. I know. ..they were picked up here in sector ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha. Wait. That's where you picked me up. On Earth. That's impossible. No, just very improbable. Slim, I don't time for this. The police of half the galaxy are after us and we pick up hitchhikers? Ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking. You're too gorgeous, baby. Stop it. You're driving me crazy. Don't! I'll send Marvin. Marvin? I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. Well, we have something that should take your mind off things. It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind. Yeah,... we know. But we need you to go down to the number-two entry bay and pick up our stowaways and bring them up here. Just that? I won't enjoy it. Yeah, well,... that's life. Life! Don't talk to me about life. . "Commander Kwaltz?" Yes? "We have located the Heart of Gold and President Beeblebrox." Where? "Sector ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha." "Requesting hyperspace clearance." Hold your position, Captain, until clearance is granted. "Yes, sir." Get me Vice President Questular. "Hyperspace permission granted, Captain." Here we go. I don't like it. (ALL WHIMPER) (SIGHING) (SIGHING) I think that door just sighed. Ghastly, isn't it? Whoo! All the doors in this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheerful and sunny disposition. Anyway, come on. I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge. Oh, please yourselves. Here I am, a brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? Cos I don't. Thank Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for building robots with GPP. What's GPP? Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you? Arthur? Hey, Slim, are you wearing my underwear? Cos I'm wearing yours, and they ain't doing the trick. Come on. Alright. (SIGHING) Oh, for heaven's sake. I've brought the aliens. Don't thank me or anything. (GROANS) Ow! Freeze! Freeze? I'm a robot, not a refrigerator. I wasn't talking to you, Giggles. Oh, why do I bother? Zaphod? Ford? Is that you? Ford! (LAUGHS) Praxibetel Ix! (LAUGHS) What the hell are you doing here? I don't know, I just stuck out my thumb and here I am! That is so you! And look at you! President of the Galaxy! I can't believe you beat Humma Kavula. You zarking frood. I want you to meet a friend. Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox. Oh. President of the Galaxy... and my cousin. He's a semi-half-brother. We share three of the same mothers. We've met. (LAUGHS) Have we? I'm sorry, I've got a terrible memory for species. He's the "Would you like to see me spaceship?" bloke. Hmm. Hello, Arthur. Tricia! How you doing? Hey, Trillian! This is my semi-half-brother, Ix. I'm sorry, Ford. (LAUGHS) Hi. Alright. Would you excuse us for a second? You went down to that little planet and you didn't call me? I didn't know. I've got a galaxy to run. Alright, Tricia McMillan. I heard him call you... Trillian. Who got the right one? I shortened it, something more spacey. Right. Actually, I'm thinking of changing mine to,... Arthoolia. That's a good one. (LAUGHS) Well, this is weird. How'd you get here? I just stuck out my thumb. Here I am. Right. In your pyjamas? I was in a hurry. Uh-huh. OK. Did you know I was here? Don't flatter yourself. I've got a spaceman, too. Kind of like a Dingo Shuffle. OK. Look, I left you at the party. I feel bad about it. I was gonna call when I got back. Well, there is no going back now, is there? You do know what happened, don't you? No small talk. We're on the run, remember? Excuse me, mate, we're having a chat here. Well, I think... Boo! (LAUGHS) You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut up or I'll kick you in the zatch. You wanna fight? Yeah. OK. No. He wants to fight. I'm just kidding! I'm a kidder. Come on, let's be friends. Let's connect, you and I. Didn't see that one coming! Popped right out of the box! You foxy! You should teach your pal a lesson, Ford. He's a guest on my ship. # He's a guest on my ship I thought you said you stole it. Stole what? What are we talking about? (BEEPING) Whoa! That doesn't sound good. Are you OK? Fabulous, thanks, Trill. Baby, I need a little help here. I think I'm in over my head. I'll take care of it. Good Zarquon! Do I have to do everything? Yes. Hey, Slim, this is really pretty. Don't! Whoo! They're on our tail! Launch a missile! Do some damage! Ow! Stop that! Ow! Just kidding. I love it rough. Hit me! Er, computer? "Hi! I'm Eddie, your shipboard computer." "I'm pleased to report it's a fleet of 100 Vogon battle destroyers!" "They're sending you a message." "This is Vice President Questular Rontok." "I am speaking to the kidnapper of the President?" She digs me. "Surrender the stolen vessel at once, or we will take action as defined and permitted by... ..Section I-8 of the Galactic Interstellar Space Bylaws." "Zaphod, please come back now. This is ridiculous!" Leap to hyperspace! Come on! "Sure thing, fella." No! Did they have proper hyperspace authorisation? (GASPS) No, Commander! Oh. Bring me the Request to Pursue Fugitive form. I'm coming, sir! (PANTS) I'm boiling! Here's the form, sir. Ah. So are you along for the ride, or am I dropping you somewhere? That depends. Where are you going? Where am I going! Are you OK? Yeah. I don't suppose there's any tea on this spaceship? Yes, there is. Come on, I'll show you the kitchen. When you see what I'll show you, you'll beg me to take you with us. 'The best drink in existence is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.' (BOTH SCREAM) (BOTH) Belgium. Hold on one second. Hey, apeman. Er... Earth dude. What's your name again? Arthur. Right. Gorgeous. No hard feelings, OK? Sorry to hear about your planet. What's it called? Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots there. Don't mention it to the girl or... I'll pull your spleen out through your throat Alright. Thanks, buddy. Good stuff. I like those jammies. (SLURS) Hey, Zaphod, what's with the two-head thing? Oh, yeah. Apparently you can't be president with a whole brain. It's crazy. Oh, so you carved it up. Yes! Some parts of my personality weren't what you'd call presidential. Oh, no. No, you know what I'm talking about. (GURGLING) (COMPUTER) "Your tea is ready." (SPLUTTERS) (LAUGHS) I suppose I should have said it resembles tea. So two heads is what does it for a girl? Yeah? If I'd had two heads, or three? Or your own spaceship. Anything else he's got two of? Come on, Arthur, don't be like that. Well, what am I supposed to be like? Green? (LAUGHS) Bleeping? I can fold me eyelids inside out, if you like. OK, look,... do you see this? This detects what you're craving and makes it for you. "Enjoy your doughnut." Do you see this? (LAUGHS) This... toasts bread while you're slicing it. We're on a spaceship, Arthur! In space! I told you I wanted to get away. So, Madagascar, that was... some sort of test? And I failed. How badly does it hurt? It doesn't feel great. No, I mean your chin. Oh. I might have an aspirin. Right. (MICE SQUEAK) Hey! Tricia. Trillian. Sorry. There's something I have to tell you. Please... don't. Show time, Trill! (BOTH LAUGH) I'll set up. Buttons aren't toys. Buttons aren't toys. Anyway, when I saw what I'm about to show you, that's when I realised why I had to do what I did to my brain. I think. It's all a little... shaky. I've seen it. It's rubbish. 'Many millions of years ago, a race of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings got so fed up with the constant bickering about the meaning of life that they commissioned two of their brightest and best to design and build a stupendous supercomputer to calculate the answer to life, the universe and everything.' Oh Deep Thought, we want you to tell us THE answer. "The answer to what?" The answer to life, the universe, everything. We'd really like an answer. Something simple. "Hmm, I'll have to think about that." "Return to this place in exactly seven and a half million years." Is it finished? No, no, there's more. They go back. Seven and a half million years later? That's right, they do. (CHEERING) (CROWD ROARS) Deep Thought, do you have...? "An answer for you?" "Yes, but you're not gonna like it." It doesn't matter, we must know it. "Alright. The answer to the Ultimate Question... (CHEERING) ..of Life, the Universe and Everything... ..is... (CHEERING) ..42." (CROWD FALLS SILENT) (MAN) 42? "Yes, I've thought it over thoroughly." "It is, it's 42." Rubbish! "It would have been simpler to have known what the question was." But it was THE question. The Ultimate Question. Of everything! "It's not a question. Only when you know the question will you know what the answer means." Give us the Ultimate Question then! "I can't, but there is one who can." "A computer that will calculate the Ultimate Question." "A computer of such infinite complexity that life itself will form part of its operational matrix." "And you yourselves shall take on new, more primitive forms and go down into the computer to navigate its ten-million-year program." "I shall design this computer for you and it shall be called..." That's it? That's it. You're after the Ultimate Question. Yep. You? Me. Why? I tried that. "Why?" "42." It doesn't work. Let's get her ready. Why do you want to know the Ultimate Question? Oh, well, partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly for the fame and the money. (LAUGHS) You're President of the Galaxy, aren't you? That's right, Arman. Arthur. Whatever. Presidential fame is temporary. I find The Question, That's permanent, it sticks. Plus, everyone thinks you're deep. We just hit that button and bam, we're at Magrathea. I think. I dunno, we've hit it twice and we're still not there. You in? Always. Alright! (SIGHS) I wanna get off. Sorry, what exactly are we doing? This! 'The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances in a few seconds without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace.' 'As the Improbability Drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously.' 'You're never sure where you'll end up or even what species you'll be when you get there. It's therefore important to dress accordingly.' 'The Drive was invented following research into finite improbability, which was used to break the ice at parties by making the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy.' 'Many respectable physicists said they wouldn't stand for it, partly because it debased science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties.' . Wow! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button? Very probably, yes. (MARVIN) Ah, I think the Earthman's about to be sick. Do it in the trash can. This ship's brand new. Oh, dear! Oh, come on! We have normality. Did it work? Are we there? Yeah. We're here. Magrathea! I don't think so. Eddie. Ow! What planet are we looking at? "I'm checking for ya." Did you just pluck one of my hairs? Off my head? (SQUEAKING) "Thank you so much for waiting. I'm sorry to disappoint you, gang, but this is not Magrathea. We are currently in orbit around the planet Viltvodle Six." Humma Kavula! Magrathea's gonna have to wait! I got a score to settle on this planet! 'Humma Kavula!' 'In the beginning, the universe was created.' 'This made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.' '(JEERING)' 'Many races believe that it was created by some sort of God, though the Jatravartid people of Viltvodle Six firmly believed the entire universe was sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure.' Humma Kavula! 'The Jatravartids, who lived in fear of the time they called the Coming of the Great White Handkerchief, were small blue creatures with more than 50 arms each.' 'They were unique in being the only race in history to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.' (ALL) Mr President! How you doing? Alright. What have we got here? I love it. (SCREAMING / APPLAUSE) Hey, I love ya. Fantastic! You guys related? Don't go changing. Keep voting! Arthur? I want a drink. I think I've been here before. Have I been here before? (GIRLS) It's him! I've been here before. Humma Kavula! Come on. Tricia! Tricia! (CHORAL SINGING) # Now we await with Thee # The expectation # Thy handkerchief # To bring us back to Thee # Hello, Humma. Join us. Sit down. Hey, good to see ya. Thanks. Alright. The handkerchief is coming, beloveds. Let us pray the Almighty will exhale a breath of compassion on us all. So that's Humma Kavula. I thought he was just swearing. We lift our noses, clogged and unblown, in reverence to you. Send the handkerchief, Blessed One, so that it may wipe us clean. We ask this and all things in Thy precious and alliterative name. (ALL SNEEZE) Bless you. Where we going? We're in here? Alright. I like it. It's big, it's gold, it's fancy. Fancy pants. Zaphod Beeblebrox, our infamous President. What brings you to our humble planet? I think you know why I'm here. No, I don't think I do. Oh, I think you think you don't. But we both know... you do. Eloquent as always, Zaphod. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze. That's funny. During the campaign, Humma, when you were running against me, you said I was stupid. (LAUGHS) The election is ancient history, Zaphod. But,... if memory serves, you won, proving that good looks and charm win over brilliance and the ability to govern. And, incidentally,... you ARE stupid. Excuse me. Excuse me. Mr Humma, sir. Erm... I just wanted to say, there's been a terrible mix-up. Actually, he's not with us. We came to worship you. He followed us. He grew, didn't he? He's tall. You didn't come halfway across the galaxy to settle a campaign grudge. Why are you here? Of course not. That's... that's ridiculous. I've been stranded on a strange planet for years. I haven't been avoiding you. You look great. You're doing well. You've grown, obviously. Wait! Wait! Wait! We don't know why we're here. We were trying to get to Magrathea and our ship brought us here. How very, very... improbable. I kept a few souvenirs from my former life. Ah, the heady days of space piracy. But even an Infinite Improbability Drive requires coordinates. Which I happen to have. No, no, no. You don't get something for nothing, Zaphod. You must bring me something in return. (LAUGHS) What? A gun. A gun? A very special gun, designed by the greatest computer ever invented. But the only way to find it is to go to Magrathea. Far out. I'll get your gun. Just give me the coordinates. And what will you give me to ensure your return? My word as President. No. I need a hostage. Only,... what does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure? (WHISTLES) (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Come on. (WHISTLES) (LAUGHS) Oh, no! Hey, take it easy now. Think about this... No! Stop it! Argh! That kind tickles! Two heads are better than one! Double your pleasure. It's not fair! You need me! Come back! Come back! Don't leave me alone! Come back! Well, that was fun. I thought I was the only one who considered him a narcissistic moron, when the whole galaxy does! What about you? "Excuse me, Mr Humma, sir. We're not with him. We came to worship you." Very brave. Where the hell is Ford? By the left, march! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Mr President, we're here for your protection. Fire upon the kidnapper. "No!" The President IS the kidnapper! You're going to kill him! It's locked! Thank you, darling. I'll be in touch. (SCREECHING) Come on, Zaphod! Hey, what did I miss? What have you been doing? I was doing field research. So they found us. Belgian bummer! They're shooting at us! What are we gonna do? I have an idea. Does it involve pushing him out there and running? He's the one they want! Tricia, you can't go out there. What are you...? Back off! What's going on? I have the President and I will kill him! I swear I will! Could that actually kill him? I don't think so. It's an aerosol can. Oh. OK, frightened now. Frightened. Hi, little guys. Get her! (ALL GROWL) Zaphod, no! Come on! Arthur! Arthur! Tricia! Arthur! Tricia! Wait! Arthur! (ALL) Resistance is useless! "Bring her to Vogsphere for processing, Captain." (SIGHING) Where's the circus? They've got her and it's my fault. We have to go! Whoo! Let's go! Computer, take us to Magrathea! What? No, no, no. We've gotta go after Tricia. Who? Trillian! They've got Trillian, you stupid git! Athos! Zaphod! Right, you're coming out. Computer, don't go to Magrathea. We wanna follow the ships. "I'd love to, fella, but my guidance system has been deactivated." Oh! Come on! "I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault." What are you doing on this spaceship? Ford? Marvin? I've been talking to the computer. And? It hates me. No! Uh-uh! Eddie? Computer? There must be another way. Is there another way to follow the ships? "Activating emergency escape pod. It's super neat and fun to fly!" (ALL SCREAM) Unbelievable. I'm in, I'm in. OK, Ford? Yeah, I'm here. Do you have any idea? We'll press this button. No! No! No! No! No! This button. Nothing's... Good man! Good man! OK. OK, we're wobbling. You forgot your towel. No! Get him off me! I'll kill him! OK, Ford, there's a... Is that better? No, that's worse. That's worse. I don't need that. OK. Can you stop the rocking? Marvin, any ideas? I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death. Thanks very much, Marv. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' 1 THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY . (YELPING) (ENGINE WHIRRS) (EXPLOSION) Whoo! Whee! Whee! Whee! (CRUNCHING) (SPLUTTERING / COUGHING) Magrathea! No. We're on the Vogon planet. It's Magrathea! This is Vogsphere. Yeah. Magrathea! No, it's not. Yes, it is! I know it is! There is no Magrathea. Yes, it is! Yes, it is! What are you doing? They took my head! They have these on Arcturan megafreighters. Captains use them when they really need to concentrate. What is it? It's a thinking cap. There you go. That should give him some zest for about ten minutes or so. Now I'm feeling much better about our predicament! (RUMBLING) By the way, I checked the Guide for how to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere. It said, "Don't." I'm assuming you have a better plan. Well, I kinda had this idea that we could... Ow! Did anyone see that? See what? What was it? Oh, nothing. It's, er... nothing. It's just my imagination. Oh! OK, stop! Everyone just stop and look at me! There's... definitely something going on here. Just... just watch. Just watch. OK, er, I think we... Oooh! Ha-ha! You, too! Yeah. What was that? I think... Zaphod, what do you think? I think... (SCREAMS) Zarquon! What was that?! Jeez! I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen. No-one ever does. I have an idea. Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Kill it! Get rid of it! OK, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas, no theories, no nothing. (ALL SCREAM) This is crazy! Trillian is in there and we need an idea to save her! I have an idea... (ALL) Run! Ha! Hai! Ha! Hey, you're supposed to stop! (SIREN) OK, so not thinking. Not thinking. No ideas coming. Alright, this isn't an idea that has any merit at all, but, Marvin, can you give me a hand? (ALL HOLLER) OK, where is she? Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair? Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus of Blaard? No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth. Oh. Right. Sorry, no record of Earth. Er, galactic sector ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha. Oh, yes. She's lying. She's... skinny and she's pretty and she's lying. Hmm! Oh, yes. Here we are, Earth. Oh. Erm... destroyed. Do you have a second home planet? Destroyed? That's impossible. That's what it says here. It was destroyed to make way for a hyperspace expressway. Who in their right mind gives an order to destroy a planet? He said the grey building, right? All the buildings are grey. "Give me a hand." Ha-ha. Very funny. How am I supposed to drive this pod with one arm? Stupid human. (SCREECHING) (SIGHS) You need to go back and fill that in. (SIGHS) And then, make sure... OK. Leave this to me. I'm British, I know how to queue. Fill that form in for me and return it as soon as possible. Writing implements... You're President, can you do anything? Presidents don't have power. They draw attention away from it. No offence. You're a great guy. Hey, how you doing? Hey! It's me, your President! What's going on? Nice to see ya. Thanks for coming. Alright. I know that sponge. Alright! Next! President coming through! How you doing, pinhead? Really, it's me. I love Kabuki. Look at that. Out the way. Out the way. (ROARS) Give us a kiss, darling. Hey! Hi. I've come about the release of a prisoner. Prisoner Release Form? Huh? What? I don't believe you. These are the orders. "Love and kisses"? Now, according to the Galactic Penal Code, the punishment for a presidential kidnapping... Come on, love. ..is to be fed to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Good day. (ROARING) (WHIMPERS) Get off of me! Ow! What the hell is that? Agh! No! Wait! Wait! There's been some kind of mistake! Tick all the boxes at the right side. OK. Right. I got it. Uh-huh. Not that one! 'What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue.' 'Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far.' 'Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.' (GROANS) (ROARING) Right. There we go. Oh, kidnapping the President. Oh, no, she's not eligible for release at this time. OK. Right. Look. This is the President. Oh. OK? See? There? He says the kidnapping business was a horrible misunderstanding. Oh, yeah! He's ordering you to let her go. But this isn't a Presidential Release of Prisoner form. Those are blue. I'll stay here. OK. Alright. Hold that. OK. (SCREAMS) (ROARING) Oh, he's hungry today, hmm? (CHUCKLES) Slightly blue. That's blue. Right. I'm not a journalist. We're hanging out. OK. This is for Tricia McMillan. Tricia McMillan. Hmm. OK. Sir! Er... it's a release form. Thank you. She's free to go. Release her. (SCREAMING) Zaphod's here! Well, then, that's fine, then. Let's just go and get him. Who are we waiting for again? No, I'm serious. Tricia. Tricia! Trill. Hey. Come on. You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth! He did? I did? Yes. "Love and kisses, Zaphod"? You didn't even read it, did you? Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy. I don't get a lot of time for reading. (LAUGHS) An entire planet, my home, destroyed, because you thought somebody wanted your autograph! They framed me! Are you an idiot? It's routine for Presidents! Trillian! You knew. Why didn't you tell me? He threatened me! Get a backbone, Arthur. Oh, a backbone? What about coming here to rescue you? Thank you, my idea! Oh! Stupid! I've got your arm. How considerate. All those of you lucky enough to have two arms, hold tight. Oh! The President tests my patience. This time, I shall pursue him myself. Ready my ship. Fantastic! At last. (KLAXON) Oh! That's, er, one hour for lunch, everybody. I think I'll have soup today. . 'The Encyclopaedia Galactica in its chapter on love states that it is far too complicated to define.' 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love, "Avoid, if at all possible."' 'Unfortunately, Arthur Dent has never read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.' Oh, I'm so sorry. No, come in. Er... Erm... Look, er, Trillian, I just wanted to say, you were right. Of course I should have told you. And I understand totally if you're angry with me. For what it's worth, I know how you must be feeling. Erm... Can you hand me a towel? Yep. This. Thank you. Actually, what I was gonna say was, if I had said yes to you... (CLEARS THROAT) ..and gone to Madagascar, then neither of us would be here now. I just thought that might count for something. It doesn't matter. (SIGHS) (SIGHING) Alright, computer, take us to... Where are we headed again? OK, I'm gonna get you another lemon. Alright. "Engaging Improbability Drive." No. No. Zaphod, no. Buttons are not toys. What did you do? "Magrathean coordinates accepted." "Guys, it just blows my circuits to tell ya, we're currently in an orbit at an altitude of 300 miles around the legendary planet of Magrathea." Magrathea! Magrathea! Magrathea! Unbelievable. Incredible! It's even worse than I thought it would be. "Greetings. This is a recorded announcement as we are all out." "The Commercial Council of Magrathea thanks you for your visit, but regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed." "If you wish to leave your name and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly do so at the tone." How can a planet be closed? Zarkin' A , cousin. OK, computer, keep going. Take us down. "I'd be happy to!" "It is gratifying your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated." "As a token of our appreciation, we hope you will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles we've just sent to converge with your craft." "To ensure ongoing quality of service, your death may be monitored for training purposes. Thank you." "Guys, I'm delighted to tell you that two thermonuclear missiles are heading right for us. I'm gonna go ahead and take evasive action." (ALL GROAN) "There seems to be something jamming my guidance system." "Impact minus 45 seconds!" Computer, do something! "Sure thing. Handing over manual control. Good luck." (BRAKES SCREECH) I need some help! I can't do this without my third arm! (YELLS) Arthur, grab my hand! (ALL YELL) Did we lose 'em? No,... they're coming right at us. Why don't I just press this thing? No! We're not back to normal! So what will happen? I don't know! Don't do it! We're here! No telling where it'll send us! Don't do it! Look, sod it all. No! Wow! Where are we? Er,... exactly where we were. And the missiles? Apparently, they've turned into... ..a bowl of petunias and a very surprised-looking whale. "At an improbability factor of 8,767,128 to one against!" We have... normality. Normality, right. (CLEARS THROAT) We can talk about normality till the cows come home. What is normal? What's home? What are cows? A proper cuppa tea would restore my normality. 'It is important to note that suddenly and against all probability a sperm whale had been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.' 'Since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell.' Ah! Whoa! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by, "Who am I?" OK, OK, calm down. Get a grip. Ooh! This is an interesting sensation. It's a sort of a tingling in my... I better find names for things. Let's call it a "tail". Yeah, a tail. And what's this roaring sound whooshing past what I'll call my "head"? Wind. Is that a good name? It'll do. This is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation. Or is it the wind? There's a lot of that. What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Big and flat and round. It needs a big, wide sounding name like... ound. Round. Ground! That's it! Ground! I wonder if it'll be friends with me. Hello, ground! (THUD) 'Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was, "Oh, no! Not again!"' 'Many have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we should know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.' What are those things? They're portals to another dimension. Right. I don't suppose this portal has central heating, does it? (MUTTERS) (BOTH SIGH) This is the one. This will all end in tears, I just know it. Right. Hey! Whoa! OK,... in we go! We can't just step into that! We don't know where it leads! If we pick the wrong one, we just come back and pick another. It's no biggie. What? It's a big biggie, Ford! A big biggie! What if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle thingies? This is the right one! I have a hunch! Ford? His hunches are good. Arthur, I say we go! Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by lemons? This is suicide! Hey, I think I resent that. I don't care what you think! I'm getting hostility from you, Alex. Arthur! Zaphod, just get it right once! Have you ever tried yoga? Trillian! I think that's supposed to happen. She's gone! Ford, she's gone! Arthur, don't panic. Ford! Hey! Hey, wait for me! Whoo! (WHIMPERS) Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! (SCREAMS) Er... Come on! Just start! I told you this would all end in tears. (SCREECHES) Did you? Did you? (GROANS) (YELLS) Geronimo! (GROANS / LAUGHS) Far out! Far out! (LAUGHS) This is it! This is it! Deep Thought, I'm a-coming! So,... (LAUGHS) ..this is how it's all gonna end, is it? Hey? (COUGHS) Me, alone on a dead planet with a manically depressed robot. You think you've got problems? What are you supposed to do if you ARE a manically depressed robot? Excuse me. (SCREAMS) Whoa! (SIGHS) Who are you? What? Er, no, my name is not important. Er... you must come with me. Get away. Terrible events are afoot. Erm, you must come or you'll be late. Late? What for? What? No, no. What's... what's your name, Earthman? Dent. Arthur Dent. Well, late as in "the late Dentarthurdent". It's a sort of threat. Do you see? No. No. Your friends are safe. You can trust me. Trust a man who won't tell me his name? OK. My name is, erm... My name is... is... Slartibartfast. I said it wasn't important. Well... So my friends are safe? Let me show you. I could calculate your chances of survival but you won't like it. Did you know we built planets? Oh, yes. A fascinating trade. Doing the, erm... doing the coastlines was always my favourite. We used to have endless fun doing the little fiddly bits around fjords. But then the Galactic economy collapsed, and seeing that custom-built planets are a bit of a luxury commodity, well... Anyway, there's been a terrible mix-up with your planet. Best laid plans of mice, you know. And men. What? Best laid plans of mice and men. (LAUGHS) Well, I don't think men have got much to do with it. Here. (THUD) I must warn you, we're going to pass through a sort of gateway thing. Huh? It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. No! No! (SCREAMS) Whoa! (LAUGHS) Welcome to our factory floor. (ALL PANT) Alright. Alright. Yeah! This is it. This is it. O great Deep Thought! We have travelled long and far. Have you calculated the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything? "(SIGHS) No." What? "I've been watching the TV." Oh. "I designed another computer to do that." Oh, right! I forgot. Is it here? "No, it's not here. It's another world." It's on another world. "It is another world, stupid." "Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it to make way for a hyperspace expressway." OK. You're sure you don't have the Question or a way to access it? Because I've done a lot to get here. "Shh! Shh! The show's back on." (HICCUPS) Well, I don't want to bother you, so I'm gonna... Good stuff. Great. I'll go find something else for my entire life to be about. Zaphod! Zaphod! Yeah? There's the gun that Humma sent you for. You gave him your head. Why'd I... why'd I do that? OK. That's stupid. O Deep Thought! We were told that there is a gun. (HICCUPS) (RUMBLING) There you are. Hmm? Look familiar? So it wasn't destroyed? Actually, it was. This is a backup. Earth Mark Two. So you made the Earth? Not me alone, but I did my part. Ever heard of a place, I think it's called Norway? That was one of mine. I got an award for it. (BOTH YELL) (BOTH HOLLER) (BOTH SCREAM) Alright, Frank? That's... that's Frank. A-ha. They've nearly finished the oceans. Zaphod, here. It's, er... It's just like Humma said. Yeah. Now you can get your head back. Hey, Ford. It's been nice knowing you, you zarking frood. No, no, no! Whoa! This is a bust, too. Hey, man! You must really be frustrated. You go through all you've gone through, you come all this way and get no answer, so no money or the fame you deserve. 'The Point Of View Gun, conveniently, does precisely what its name suggests.' Fantastic! Fantastic! Fantastic! 'That is, if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view.' Give me that thing. 'It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives, who, after countless arguments with their husbands, were sick of ending those arguments with, "You just don't get it, do you?"' (GASPS) And you're right, I shouldn't be so upset, because life goes on, you know, and I should just go on with it. Shoot him again. Hey. Whoa. Hitchhiking's good. Towels are good, too. Say what? That is brilliant. What's going...? I can see why Humma Kavula would want one of these. We better get back. Arthur's waiting. Who cares? Well, I do. We're somewhat of an endangered species now, thanks to you. Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax. Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy? Of course you're edgy, your planet's been blown up, and you're twirling around with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the Question, because you wanted to know if there was more to life, and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't. Hey. Fantastic, man! (LAUGHS) Psychedelic. (GROANS) You've got no home, no family, and you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you. Huh? That's not true. Did I say...? (GUN FIRES) And you're worried you might have blown it with the one guy who really does. Hey, oops. Oh, baby doll! Give me that thing! (SIGHS) It won't affect me, I'm already a woman. (RUMBLING) (SQUEAKING) Hey, it's OK, it's only a couple of little mice. Voila! Himalayas! Good, eh? Earthman, you must realise that the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for and run by... mice. When you say mice, do you mean the furry, white creatures with whiskers, ears, cheese? They're merely protrusions into our dimension of hyper-intelligent, pan-dimensional beings. I don't know this "cheese" of which you speak, but they were there on Earth as mice experimenting on you. I see where you've become confused. We were experimenting on them. Ah, no. Well, yeah. I gather that's what they wanted you to think, but you were actually elements in their computer program. Actually, this explains a lot, you know? All my life, I've had this strange feeling there's something big and sinister going on in the world. That's normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets it. . Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so remote that the only thing to do is hang the sense of it and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day. And are you? Er... no. (LAUGHS) That's where it all falls down. Here you are, then. Is this...? It's, erm... it's all there. You know, it all works. Welcome home. (ALL) Hey! Hey! Hey, man! There you are. Surprise! What are you doing? What happened to you? Is that tea? At first, our hosts attacked us. Right. But then, they made up for it by making us this amazing meal! (SOBS) Try everything. It's delicious. Oh, that's lovely! We're glad you like it, Earth creature. (LAUGHS) The, erm... talking, talking mice. Cool. Sit, Earthman. Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. (SIGHS) Please, drink. Erm... excuse me. Is there anything else? No. We're quite happy, thank you. Good. I'll be outside, so... You were right. (LAUGHS) Please, drink. Good. He was right. Now, to business. (BOTH) To business! (BOTH) Eat! Shh! Sorry. We've spent a lot of time on your planet looking for this Ultimate Question, only to have it blow up in our faces, literally. (INHALES) Which is why you're here. We've been offered a lucrative contract to do TV chat shows. Right. But here's the point. We must have product. We need the Ultimate Question. Or at least one that sounds ultimate. Of course. We've rebuilt the planet and all we need is the missing piece of the puzzle, which is your brain. Right. More tea? Sorry, did you just say you need my brain? Yes, to complete the program. (LAUGHS) Well, you can't have my brain, I'm using it. Hardly. Hardly? Cheeky. Cheeky... cheeky mouse. Zaphod! Trillian! Ford! What was in that food? What was in my tea? Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. OK. (GROANS / GASPS) Wait a sodding minute! You want a question to goes with the answer 42. What about, what's six times seven? Or, how many Vogons does it take to change a light bulb? Here's one. How many roads must a man walk down? Hey, that's not bad! Fine! Fine, take it. Cos my head is filled with questions, and I can assure no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness! Except for one, the one, the only question I've ever wanted an answer to. Is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't 42, it's yes. Undoubtedly. Unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And... for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence... ..it made me happy. It's a good answer. Rubbish. We wanna be famous, not happy. Yeah. What is all this, "Is she the one" tripe? Take his brain! No, don't take the brain, mice! (GROANS / MUTTERS) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) It wasn't me! I'm famous. Shoot him! Quickly! Shoot him! Oh, bollocks! Agh! (COUGHS) Hey, I'm gonna be sick! (COUGHS) Me, too. (DISTANT RUMBLING) Follow me. (VOGONS CHANT) Left, right! Left, right! Left. Stand! Thanks a lot for leaving me behind. Though I can't say I blame you. Mr President, we're here for your protection. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Fire. (YELLS) No! No! (ALL WHIMPER) I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vogons are the worst marksmen in the Galaxy. Ooh! For God's sake! Stop! Cease fire. Now I've got a headache. Head... ache. Marvin! Oh, no! (SCREECHING) Oh! He's got a towel! Run away! (ALL) Run away! Oh! Oh! I'll get us outta here! How do you drive this thing? We need that gun. Let's get this ship started! Come on! Start! Come on! Oh! Fire! Fire! Fire. Fire. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! He's locked the gate! We'll have to go the other way! Come on! Come on! We're safe in here. Stop! (SCREAMING) Stop it! Stop shooting us! Stop it! (SCREAMS) Oh, I feel so depressed. (ALL GROAN) I can't face another day. Depressed. Really depressed. What's the point? Are you alright? Yeah. Sorry about your spaceship, Arthur. (ALL GROAN / SOB) Marvin, you saved our lives. I know. Wretched, isn't it? (ALL MOAN) You gotta ask yourself, what's the point? Take it away. (ALL GROAN) We can do all that, but it's not gonna... Well, I'll just ask. Erm, I've just been informed by some of the lads that since we're so near completion, we're gonna go ahead and finish Earth. Oh. So, well, we can put it back exactly as it was when you left. Yeah. Unless there's, erm, there's, you know, anything you wanna change? Something you think your planet could... could do without? Yeah,... me. Oh. Erm,... hello. No, as is. Yeah. Leave it. Yeah. Let's go somewhere. Definitely. Where did you have in mind? I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe. I am a little peckish. I need to go to Humma's, he's got something of mine. I think. I'm so confused. Don't worry, baby, we'll sort it out. Let's trip the light fantastic, baby. Just you and me. Come on. (BOTH LAUGH) You got your towel? Yeah. Why, am I gonna need it? Only always. Right. Yeah, I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel. OK, hold tight. (ALL) Bye. "Standby for commencement of lifecycle. In three, two, one." Alright! Whoo! Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the other end of the universe. (BRAKES SCREECH) # So long and thanks for all the fish # So sad that it should come to this # We tried to warn you all, oh, dear # You may not share our intellect # Which might explain your disrespect # For all the natural wonders # That grow around you # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # The world's about to be destroyed # There's no point getting all annoyed # Lie back and let the planet dissolve # Despite those nets of tuna fleets # We thought that most of you were sweet # Especially tiny tots # And your pregnant women # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # Yeah # Play it # So long and thanks for all the fish # So sad that it should come to this # We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear # Oh, dear # Despite those nets of tuna fleets # We thought that most of you were sweet # Especially tiny tots # And your pregnant women # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long, so long, so long, so long # So long, so long And thanks for all the fish # For all the fish # 'It is, of course, well known that careless talk costs lives.' 'But the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated.' 'For instance, at the very moment that Arthur Dent said, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel," a freak wormhole opened up in the space-time continuum and carried his words far, far back in time, across almost infinite reaches of space, to a distant galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle.' 'The two opposing leaders, resplendent in their black-jewelled battle shorts, were meeting for the last time when a dreadful silence fell.' 'And at that very moment, the words, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel," drifted across the conference table.' 'Unfortunately, in their native tongue this was the most appalling insult, so the two opposing battle fleets decided to settle their differences in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark.' 'For thousands of years the starships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming onto the planet Earth, where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.' 'Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time.' IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016