MAN (voice-over): Ever have one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up being the best night of your life? WOMAN (voice-over): Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin. MAN (voice-over): It was June the 22nd, 1990-- our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me The King, because my name's Gary King. Ollie was funny. He fancied himself as a bit of a player but, really, he was all mouth. We called him "O-Man" because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a six. He loved it. Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang out with, but he was good for a laugh. And he was absolutely minted. Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls-- I think he saw us as rivals. Sweet, really. And Andy. Andy was my wingman-- the one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and I'm not being funny, but I loved him, too. -(alarm ringing) -There was nothing we were gonna miss about school. Maybe Mr. Shepherd. He was definitely one of the good guys. lHe used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life-- I told him I just wanted to have a good time. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be-- not that night. Newton Haven was our hometown, our playground, our universe, and that night, it was the site of a heroic quest. The aim: to conquer the Golden Mile-- 12 pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was: the First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, all before reaching our destiny: The World's End. because she was pretty hairy. And so, our journey into manhood began-- we were off. We didn't waste any time-- we hit pub one and we hit it hard. there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and, of course, there was drinking. By pub five, we were feeling invincible, and decided to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we called the Reverend Green. Pint six put O-Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing-- I bumped into his sister in the next pub, we went into the disableds, and I bumped into her again. I had another date that night, and her name was Amber. Nine pints in, and it was us against the world. Things got mental in The Beehive, so we repaired to the Bowl's Club-- or as we liked to call it, The Smokehouse-- which is when it all went fuck-up. Everyone got para and Pete chucked a whitey, so we had to bench him. In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills. I remember sitting up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, seeing the orange glow of a new dawn breaking, knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again. And you know what? (chuckles) It never did. Thank you, Gary. That was very... enlightening. Would anyone like to add anything? Or maybe challenge Gary? -Are you disappointed? -About what? That you didn't make it to The World's End? (man coughs quietly) No. MAN 1 (voice-over): Just what is it that you want to do? MAN 2: Well, we want to be free. We want to be free to do what we want to do. -Yeah! -And we want to get loaded, and we want to have a good time, and that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna have a good time. We're gonna have a party. (upbeat music) (music continues) MAN 1 (voice-over echoes): Just what is that you want to do? MAN 2: We want to get loaded, and we want to have a good time. -She's a beauty. -Yeah. (smacks lips) But she's no Beast. Hello, Peter. Jesus. Gary. The once and future King. Were you outside my house this morning? No. I could've swore I saw you on my street. I've never been to Bishop's Gardens. How you doing, man? I'm well. You? Yeah, never better. How's, um... -Vanessa? -No, your wife. -Vanessa. -Yeah. How's she? -She's good. -Ah. Have you had sex yet? We have two children. Oh, twice! (laughing): Get you, fuck machine! We haven't changed, have we? What's he doing here?! I-It's all right, Dad. -We're fine. -Hi, Mr. P. So, Gary, -how can I help you? -He looks well. Are you looking to buy a car? Uh, no. I'm afraid the end is nigh. -What? -The World's End! -What do you mean? -You know what I mean. One night, five guys, 12 pubs. Let battle commence. -You want to try that again? -Yeah, isn't that something -you've always wanted? -Not particularly, no. but this time we are gonna see it through to the bitter end. Or lager end. -We? -Yeah, the whole gang. -Even Andy? -Why wouldn't Andy be coming? Well, I thought that after the accident... Not an issue. He is in. What we want to know is, are you? Well, I'd have to check with Vanessa. -Who's Vanessa? -My wife. Since when have you had to check with your wife? -Since we got married. -Oh, come on, man, don't you miss it? The laughs... the camaraderie... the fights... the hangovers so fierce it feels like your head's full of ants? Well, maybe the first two. It begins. What's your new number? The same one I've had for ten years. Yeah, what's that one? This entire row here, they'll all have dormer windows above the front elevation. -Who's the helmet without an helmet? -Hey! That's Gary King. Knock, knock. What are you doing here, Gary? You're supposed to say, "Who's there?" I can see who's there. -It's you. -(chuckles) I like what you've done with the place. It's a bit drafty. (chuckles) -How's Selena? -We divorced ten years ago. Yeah, I know. I just wondered how she was. -She's doing very well, apparently. -Have you got -anyone else on the go? -Yeah, I do, as it happens. She's a fitness instructor-- 26. Pedophile! I'm kidding. -I'd love to meet her sometime. -No. Why are you here? Haven't you heard? We're getting the band back together. I'm not your bass player anymore. I mean, we're getting the boys back together. We can get the band back together as well, -if you want. -No, we can't. You sold my guitar to buy drugs. I've always wondered, what is that thing -over the door called? -That's a lintel. So, the plan is, we're gonna go back to Newton Haven, we are gonna do the Golden Mile, and this time we are gonna make it to The World's End. -Everybody's in. -What, even Andy? Oh, you better believe it, big balls. Andy's going drinking with you? GARY: With us. Think about it. Go back to the old town, -sink a few pints. -12 pints. -Yeah. -12 pints is insane. (chuckles) I know. What's this all about, Gary? It's about closure, you know? Why should getting older affect something as important as friendship? A lot's changed since then, Oliver. Right. This is our chance to take stock. A-A stock-take. You make it sound so much fun. Come on, O-Man, isn't that something you'd like? What I'd really like is for you to take your DM's off the sofa. Look, if you're worried about me, don't be, all right? I am here to tell you that Gary King is back on the horse. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're... you're back on the horse? -No, I mean, I'm back on the bike? -What's "bike"? -What do you mean? -What's "bike" slang for? -Bicycle. -I'm lost. -Don't be. -Okay. Listen, this is our chance to finally finish what we started. Come on, man, it'll be fuckin' mental! -OLIVER: Ah, um... -Um, I think we're all done, so... Well, how-how do you like the property? -Well, yeah, it's amazing. Yeah. -Amazing location. WOMAN: Fantastic. Fantastic aspect. It's just a little bit out of our price range. He'll knock some off for you. What's it on for? 1.2 million. Fuck off! You have my card. Gary... WTF? It's good to see you, too, O-Man. -Please don't call me O-Man. -Sure. -Hey, how's your sister? -She's fine. -She talk about me? -No! So, Friday, we'll all go down together, make a road trip of it, I'll drive. No, I don't think I can; I think I've got a doctor's appointment. Yeah you do-- with Dr. Ink! -You know, Dr. Ink! -Yeah, "drink," I get it. Come on. It won't be the same without the O-Man. -Jesus. -You can see the guys, -Mm. Mm. -see how they're doing. -Tell 'em how you're doing. -Hm? You never know, you might make it -to the end this time. -Andy is definitely coming? Yeah. -Andy Knightley? -Totes. And you convinced him how? Mr. Knightley? Felicity. You have a friend here to see you. No, I don't. (chuckles): This is a bit grown up, isn't it? Yep. (chair squeaks) I saw the boys the other day. -Mm-hmm. -O-Man, Stevie-baby... uh, the Petertron. Yeah, I remember the names of our childhood friends, Gary. We had ourselves a little idea. Did you, now? -Yeah, we're gonna go back to Newton Haven. -Why? For some unfinished business... (hissing the "s") That's a joke, right? Five guys, 12 pubs, 50 pints. 60 pints. (cackles): Steady on, you fuckin' alky. I haven't had a drink for 16 years, Gary. You must be thirsty, then. We can go back, see the guys, chew the fat, it'll be just like it always was. Except this time, we are gonna finish this thing once and for all. You have a very selective memory, Gary. -Thanks. -You remember the Friday nights; I remember the Monday mornings. Yeah, that's why we're going back on a Friday-- uh! Why do you think none of us live in Newton Haven anymore? -I don't know. -Because it is a black hole. It's boring. It always was and it always will be. It's only boring 'cause we're not there. It's pointless arguing with you. Exactly. So come. I'm picking everybody up from High Wycombe station Friday, 3:00 sharp. -No, Gary. -Oh, God. Why, have you got to check with your missus? No, actually, I don't have to check with my missus. -What are you doing? -I'm showing you the door. Is it a door? I mean, it doesn't have a lintel. And it's glass. So is it a window or is it a door? Maybe it's a windoor. -(chuckles) You can have that. -Please leave, Gary. (sighs heavily) All right. (whispers): All right. (sighs) 600, wasn't it? Oh, um, I thought you should know. What? Mum died. -When? -Couple of weeks ago. The big... cancer. (sighs) I'm sorry. She just always really liked you, you know. Got me thinking about the old days, particularly that night-- you know, 'cause we were so happy. And... you know, I love the boys like brothers, but, uh, when all is said and done, you're the best friend I ever had. It was good to see you, mate. -(bell clangs) -(train rumbles, horn blares) STEVEN: Pete! Steven! Thank God. I had a horrible feeling I was gonna be the only one here. I reckon that's not the last horrible feeling you're gonna have today, mate. This can't be happening, can it? You said it. What the hell are we doing here? OLIVER: What we always did-- follow Gary King into almost certain oblivion. -Hello, Steven. All right, mate. -Hey. -Pete! Hi, mate. -Oliver. Didn't we decide to stop calling him "fearless leader" -somewhere around 1992? -Old habits die hard. They'll be putting that on Gary's tombstone. No, they won't, you know; he'll outlive us all. That'd be funny if it wasn't true. -Hang on a sec? -What? 'Cause I'm just trying to decide which of us is the biggest idiot for coming. (laughs) (man whistles) (train rumbling, horn blowing) (sighs) Maybe he had an accident. Oh, sorry, Andy. -Sorry. -Oh, no, no, it's fine. I think Gary having an accident would actually be the best outcome for all of us, including Gary. (horn honking) -Unbelievable. -(tires screech) (Gary cackling happily) Oh, yes! -ANDY: You're late. -No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. You said 3:00; it's almost 4:00. Yeah, three for four. You know your problem, Gary? You're never wrong. -How is that a problem? -I can't believe you bought another Granada Mark II. This is the car you sold me in 1989. Best 300 quid I ever spent. -This is the Beast? -Yeah. Pretty much. I mean, she's had a bit of work done. I had to replace the, uh, brakes, suspension. exhaust, seats, wheels, paneling, carburetor, manifold, whole engine, really-- mirrors, headlamps... other than that, she's the same old motor. You could almost say an antique. Well, then let's get this antique (laughs): on the roadshow! (bell tolling) Come on, you bellends, we're gonna be late. And we're back, just like the Five Musketeers! Three Musketeers, isn't it? -It's four if you count d'Artagnan. -Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they, Pete? I mean, history's a sketchbook. You do know that The Three Musketeers is a fiction, right, written by Alexander Dumas? A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days. What, that it was written by Alexander Dumas? Don't be daft, Steve. It was written by Jesus. Anyway, five sounds much better. I think they missed a trick only having three, 'cause if they'd had five, then two could've died, and they'd still -have three left. -Are we there yet? Let's do this! # I'm free, to do what I want # Any old time -Soup Dragons. -Oh. I remember this one. -Hey, I put this a tape for you, didn't I? -Yeah, this is it. -This is the tape? -Yeah, yeah, look, look. Where'd you find it? It was in the tape player. GARY: Ooh, look! -Is anyone hungry? -No. I need a piss, actually. -(truck horn blowing) -(frantic shouts) This is a long piss. If it is a piss. Well, it might be a little... (sniffs) Poo. How's that a poo? -Still work for your old man, Pete? -Yeah. I'm a partner now. You? I started my own firm in '98. Got bought out in '05. I'm happier, though. Less stress. Ol? Property. Yeah, I co-manage a... boutique estate agency in North London. Very competitive. Corporate. Does anyone know what Gary's doing? He's playing "Need for Speed" -over there. -(Gary shouting) PETER: Hasn't changed, has he? I don't know. He did finally pay me back that 600 quid. Really? -He borrowed 200 off me. -And me. ANDY (voice-over): I can't believe it. I can't believe you'd do that. No. Oh. Of course I can. It's just robbing Peter to pay Paul. No, I borrowed it from Peter to pay you. I still owe Paul. (laughs) GARY: Oh... shit! Newton Haven! Take a moment to look upon it in its original colors, boys, for tonight we paint it red! GARY (laughs): Yes! (siren wailing) GARY: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Shit. (brakes squeak) Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... fuck, fuck. No, it's okay, I did it all in the services. (sniffs) (music continues) Know why I pulled you over, sir? -(turns off music) -Was the music too loud? -Your left brake light's faulty. -Oh! The old brake lights. So-called 'cause they're always breaking. I'll get that sorted out, Officer. -Let's see your license, sir. -Yep. (groans) You know what? It's in my wallet. And I left that at the bloody gym. Any other form of identification? Nope. It's all in my sports bag. That's bloody typical, isn't it? Um, I'll give you my name and address-- you can run me through the old, uh, system. Go on, then. Yeah. Peter Page. GARY: 48 Bishop's Gardens, London, N2, T12. (whispers): Jesus, Gary! WTF? Why'd you give him my name? I'm not gonna give him my name, am I? Suppose I get done by the police? You won't get done by the police! Gary, he will check the number plate against his name. I know. Why do you think I gave him Pete's name? Jesus Christ, Gary! I own a car showroom; I'm a junior partner... This is the most idiotic... -I am a lawyer. -Just trust me. (quietly): Can you all shut up? So, Mr. Page, what brings you to Newton Haven? Well, we're all from here. We're just back to see the sights, have a crack at the old Golden Mile. -Might get a bit messy. -Well, you make sure you get that brake light fixed, and, uh, you might want to do an emissions test, too. Oh, and, Peter? Don't make too much mess. (raspy laugh) We won't. -GARY: Mmm. -I don't understand. It's simple, Pete. The car's still registered to you. It has been since 1989. But I've moved three times since then. I know. I changed the log book. Where'd you think all those points came from? Jesus, you guys need to relax. (music blaring, tires screeching) GARY: Let's Boo-Boo! Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! (tyres squeal) ANDY: Don't you know how much trouble you could get into? GARY: Do you know how much trouble -I'm already in? -What's that supposed to mean? Oi. What the hell is this? Why are we even here? We are here to get annihilated. (loud, reverberating ding) Have you got any plans for dinner at all? Tonight we will be partaking of a liquid repast as we wend our way up the Golden Mile, commencing with an inaugural tankard in The First Post, then on to The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same, all before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus, The World's End. Leave a light on, good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will, in truth, be blind... drunk! ('90s rock music) -(no voice) (no voice) (music continues) Come on! (dog barking in distance) -Until 1840... -Fuckin' hell. ...this building was the site of Newton Haven's first post office, until an enterprising business fellow decided that far from befitting the sending and receiving of mail, it was perhaps better suited as a humble tap room, (laughing): where a weary traveler might get twatted! Come on! (exhales): Ah... (laughs): It's like deja vu. I don't remember this at all. Has it been refurbished? STEVEN: Been bought by a chain, hasn't it? Part of that nationwide initiative to rob small, charming pubs of any discernible character. Starbucking, man. It's happening everywhere. (sniffs) Can't take away the smell, though. I'm sure they tried. Good evening, Raymondo! -The prodigal sons return. -Eh? Who's on the guest list tonight? -Come again? -The guest ales. We, sir, are doing the Golden Mile, and you have the honor of drawing first blood. What do you recommend? There's one-- it's Crowning Glory. -Rather fitting. -How's that? -I'm Gary King. -What? -So, tell me more. -About what? -Crowning Glory. Is it nutty? Is it foamy? Is it hoppy? Does it have a surprisingly fruity note which lingers on the tongue? Mm, it's beer. Mmm. We'll have five of those, please. No, sorry. Can we have four of those, and a tap water, please? What?! I don't believe this. A man of your legendary prowess drinking fucking rain. It's like seeing a lion eating some hummus. Doesn't make any sense. I know it doesn't make any sense. You seriously have a problem with me not drinking after -what happened? -I don't, but King Arthur does. Oh, this'll be good. What's King Arthur got to do with it? Do you honestly think that King Arthur came back from the Battle of Hastings, fucking rocked up at Arthur's Castle... -Camelot. -...walked up to the bar and went, "Hello! Can I have a tap water?" STEVEN: No, because they didn't have running water in Arthurian times. -Exactly. -(snaps fingers) He would've had a mead, the King Arthur of beers. I'm less of a man because I choose to drink water? Well, it's a bit "ooh, ducky," isn't it? That's not very PC, Gary. Get out of the '90s, Pete. ANDY: There is nothing "ooh, ducky" about being teetotal. About walking into a pub after a rugby match and ordering a tap water at a bar packed full of big ugly bastards wearing war paint. That, my friend, takes confidence, yeah? I'm talking balls. (giggles): You said it, poof! ANDY: I don't know if you're aware of this, Gary, but we are not teenagers anymore. And God forbid you ever have children, because... I might have kids. Then you better be ready to take responsibility. No, I mean I might have kids. You remember Karen Eggerton, who I, uh... (whistles) fucked? She was two weeks late when her parents emigrated to Normandy. I never heard from her again. She might have had a baby. Imagine that. A French kid. It's pointless arguing with you. To kids, wherever they may be. ALL: Kids. Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo. "Boo-Boo"? What is that? You remember "Let's Boo-Boo." You know, from Mr. Shepherd's classroom, it said on the wall, "Exit, pursued by a bear," you know, from that Shakespeare play. -"A Winter's Tale"? -Yeah. What was it called? -"A Winter's Tale." -That's it. And if we needed to make a quick getaway, we'd say, "Exit, pursued by a bear." And then it was, "Exit, pursued by Yogi Bear." And then it was just, "Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo." And then, "Let's Boo-Boo!" -So you're saying we should go? -Yeah. It's shit here, isn't it? Ah! The Old Familiar. Now, this is a pub! (chuckles): Oh, yes. This is more like it! Like deja vu. David, my man! Have you heard the news? Gary King is back in town. Who's he? (burps) How was the funeral, Gary? Your mum's funeral. It's difficult to put into words. But if I had to choose three, I would say... "Really, really sad." Oh, no, that's two, isn't it? How about, "Really, very sad." It's a shame. (sighs) She was a good woman. I really liked your mum. Me, too, mate. -(sighs): Me, too. -Hello. -Hello, mate. -Are you here? Yeah, I've been here for ages. What are you talking about? Uh, you get lost on the ring road again? -Ah, this is Newton Haven. -(chuckles) -What time are you meeting the twins? -Twins? W-We're all at The Old Familiar. Come by if you want. Yeah, he is. Okay. -See you soon. -(earpiece beeps) Who was that, O-Man? Don't call me "O-Man," Gary. If you must know, uh... it was Sam. BOTH: Sam's here?! Is there a fucking echo in here? Yes, Sam's here. She's down from Manchester. We're driving to Mum's tomorrow. -What, she's coming here? -Hey, calm down, Steve. -I saw her first. -Jesus Christ, not this again. Are you fucking kidding me? I saw her first! Wow, you really have a selective memory, don't you? Somebody else was saying that. Me. No, I would have remembered. I told you I had a thing about Sam, and you proceeded to try and get in her pants -at every opportunity. -Guys, please. You only liked her after you found out I liked her. That's right, because you did the school play! -"Cabaret." -"Cabaret." Because she was in it, and she wore those fishnet stockings, -and you got a big boner on stage. -(laughter) -Jesus Christ. -Hey, it doesn't matter anyway. She always had a massive wide-on -for Adrian Keane. -I hated that prick. Can we not talk about my sister in relation to A: Massive wide-ons, B: Steven's erect penis? All right. Is she still fit though? -I'm not answering that. -Sure. Is she though? Am I what? Fit. Hello, Sam. Steven! Wow. You've grown, haven't you? Yeah, sideways. You look fantastic. Steroids. Andy. Wow. -Long time. -Yeah. -Hi, Pete. -Hi, Sam. -All right, big brother? -Whoa. Gary. Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. Uh... Hey, Steve, she's just got here. Come on. Sam, would you like a drink? -I'll have a vodka tonic. Thanks, Steven. -Sure. -I'm just gonna nip to the loo. -Cool. (laughs) -What are you doing? -What are you doing? I'm going to the toilet. Well, then so am I. Gary, you are out of your mind. What are you talking about? You gave me the sign. You went to the toilet. Gary, are you serious? I haven't seen you in 20 years. Well, the disabled's is out of order. -Gary, what happened? -I don't know. Maybe one of them put too many paper towels down the toilet. I mean, we don't know what they're thinking, really, do we? No, what happened to you? Nothing. Nothing happened to me; I'm same old Gary. -No shit. -(chuckles) So, do you want to? (groans) -Oliver, I'll see you later. -You're going? I thought you weren't meeting the twins for another half hour. I'm not. Uh, oh, yeah, I believe this is yours. (sniffs, chuckles) "Out of order." Private joke. I don't want to know. ('90s Britpop music) # What you do to me. # I know # I can't believe. # There's something about you; got me down on my knees. # What is that? -Modern art. -It's a memorial, isn't it? Yeah, to modern art. Hey, guys, do you know what time it is? It's not even 6:00. Wrong! It is high time we got onto The Cock! (whoops) (grunts) Let's go! Come on. (laughs) -(sighs) -(knocks on bar) When you're ready, mate. Oh, shit! Look who it is! ANDY: Basil. GARY: Mad Basil! You remember we used to come in here and listen to him talk about fucking UFOs and lizard people and underwater Nazis and... OLIVER: Didn't he spout some bullshit about the Bermuda Triangle actually being a square? No, he said it was two isosceles triangles forming a rhombus. GARY: He was your best mate, wasn't he, Steve? (laughs) No, he wasn't my best mate, Gary. He was a lonely old guy, and I felt a bit sorry for him. That's right. Basil! Maybe we're not the local legends you think we are. Gary King. Speak for yourself, mate. You're barred. I cannot fucking believe this! This is ridiculous. Leave it, Gary. It's not worth it. -Have two in the next one. -Have them all in the next one -for all I care. -We've got to have one in every pub, otherwise the whole thing's fucked. I'd say it was fairly fucked already, mate. Great. How much more of this do we have to endure? That was three; there's nine more. -Oh, good. -Fuck that. I need to eat something. Well, we can get some food in the next pub. As long as it's reasonably healthy. (scoffs) This is Newton Haven. Hardly the heart of the organic revolution. I doubt it's the heart of anything. My wife wanted us to go organic. The problem is I kind of like eating shit. The next pub does shit! Keep up! (whooping goofily) (laughs) STEVEN: Oh, yeah. I remember this one. We had New Year's in here, didn't we? '89 into '90. Isn't that where you slept on the pool table, Andy? -Yeah, I believe it was. -STEVEN: Yeah, for six hours. -Six hours. -(laughter) ANDY: Thank you, flaming Sambucas. -(laughter) -Sambuca. Yeah. Do you remember when you woke up, we said you'd been asleep for a year and that it was 1991, and you freaked out and punched a clock? -(laughter) -That was a great night. -Didn't you manage to get off with Erika Leekes, Peter? -Whoa. Yes, I did. Something of a personal triumph, -if I say so myself. -Mm. She of the marmalade sandwich fame. Marmalade sandwich. The very same. Erika Leekes, Tracy Benson, Becky Salt. Two blondes and a redhead in the middle. The marmalade sandwich! Becky Salt. Fucking hell. I wonder what they're doing now. -Why don't you ask them. -What do you mean? I mean, sitting at that table over there are two blondes and a redhead in the middle. -Shut the fuck up! -(gasps) OLIVER: Erika Leekes on the left, Tracy Benson on the right. So by process of elimination, that's Becky Salt in the middle. That's the marmalade sandwich all over. -That is very spooky. -(laughs) -We should get them over! -No! -Shh! ANDY: Leave the past where it is. It's bad enough having to look at your old ugly mugs. You make it sound like we're fucking ancient. We haven't changed that much. -I mean, sure, Steve's let himself go a bit. -What? Pete's still got the same haircut, and Oliver's still got his mark of the devil. -No, he hasn't. -No, he hasn't, no. It's called laser surgery, Gary. It's a small price to pay for not being called fucking "O-Man." And it works for Sisters of Mercy tattoos as well. I still like The Sisters of Mercy. Good job, or you'd never go swimming. -I'm lost. -Don't be. Well, I for one think it's nice to see your faces again. Cheers, mate. MAN: Excuse me, this taken? Is this seat taken? Have it, mate. Thanks. Wasn't that...? -Shane Hawkins. -Hmm. -Hey, didn't he used to...? -Yes, he did. Hang on. What happened with Shane Hawkins again? No, I'd rather not bring it all up again, if that's okay. Hey, now listen, Pete, bottling up past trauma can lead to inadequate coping strategies in later life... apparently. Oh, I don't know. I mean, it's not even about the past. You know, it's not about the fact that he bullied me, that he made me miss more school days than chicken pox. It's not even that he forced me to spend entire lessons hiding in a toilet cubicle, or that he punched me so hard, he dislodged my eyeball. And it's not even that he ruined a large portion of my childhood. No, it's the fact that just then, he didn't recognize me. He looked straight through me, like it all meant nothing. And that probably sounds weird, doesn't it? Shots! S-H-O-T-S. Shots! What are you doing, Gary? I thought that was obvious: shots. Firstly, Peter was talking about something which clearly made him feel very uncomfortable. -Second... -That's all right, Andy. No, Peter, it's not all right. Secondly, 12 pints is more than enough. And thirdly, I don't fucking drink. I... But shots don't count, do they? You said you wanted to catch up and chew the fat. I think you just wanted to drink it. We're not here as your friends, -we're just your fucking enablers. -Yeah. "Enabler." That's a funny word, isn't it? "Enabler." Gary King and the Enablers. That's a good name for a band, Steve. -Write that down. -Don't do a Gary, Gary. -Oh, is that a thing now, is it? -It's always been a thing. -Yeah. -You don't need us to help you get fucked up. You have done a perfectly good job, so far, on your own. I am gonna go and see if there's a bus back to London, if anyone wants to come with me. You can't go! This is special. -This is our anniversary. -No, it's not the anniversary, Gary; we did this in June, it's October. Yeah, but it's the anniversary of the year, isn't it? Every year is the anniversary of a year! It is not the same anymore, Gary. And it's not that the town's changed. -We have changed. -(cell phone buzzing) Yeah, well, you can't go 'cause the buses are finished. Then I'm gonna go back to the B&B. You coming? Yeah, I could do with an early one, actually. I should probably go and find Sam. Yeah, I'm gonna go and find Sam with Oliver. ANDY: Okay. That's settled then, yeah? You know what I think? I think you're jealous. -(scoffs) -Yeah. You've got your-your houses and your cars and your wives and your job security. You don't have what I have: freedom. You're all slaves, and I am free to do what I want any old time. And this is what you want? You should grow up, mate. Join society. Yeah, but... Mum died. And we're all very sorry. But now it's time to go home. I thought we were home. (door opens) I can't help feeling sorry for him. (phone buzzing) Don't. (thunder booming) (toilet flushing) (water sloshing, shoes squeaking) Oh, fuck! Piss! Fuck! (door opening) Careful. (clears throat) The floor's a bit pissy. Wasn't me. (chuckles) That was me. (chuckles) Did that back in '90. 1990. Punched the shit out of the wall. (laughs) I don't know why. Seemed important at the time. You guys look like you're having a good night, though. I'm doing the Golden Mile tonight, if you want to tag along. We could be like the Six Musketeers. (young man zips up) I said we're doing the Golden Mile. You think you're so cool, don't you? Huh? We were cooler. We owned this town. Paved the way for you lot. We blazed a trail. Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you. Please don't. Oh, don't what? You don't want to do that. (chuckles) Oh, don't I? (grunting) (grunting continues) (bellows) (panting) What? -(door opens) -ANDY: I'm gonna kill him! You need to explain this right now. -Andy, this kid just attacked... -Don't you dare -change the subject. -He smashed my head in... -Do you know who I just spoke to? -What are you doing? Your mum, and not from the afterlife. -From fucking Bournemouth. -Is that real? -She said she hasn't spoken to you for eight months. -Andy! His head just came off! No, Gary, you are not gonna wriggle out of it this time! (screaming) (clicking, whirring) W... T... F...? (door slams open) (whirring) (grunting) Oh, shit! (grunting) Get off! Get off of me! (screaming) (panting) (muffled yelling) (muffled yelling, grunting) (groans) Aah! There's someone in here! (grunts, yells) (grunting continues) (screams) (grunting continues) Gary! Hey! Andy, did you see th... (grunting) (muffled screaming) (grunting) (panting) WTF, Gary? WTF? What the fuck does "WTF" mean? What the fuck? Oh, yeah. This can't be happening, can it? You said it, mate. I can't believe it. I know, mate. I can't believe you lied about your mum. That was a white lie. How is that a white lie? She's not dead, is she? -She's not dead! -What are you doing? Hey, hey. -Get off. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. -Where are you going? -To get help. -Don't-don't-don't do that. -What, don't get help? We don't know how far this goes. Wait, who are you calling? -Vanessa. My wife. -Who's Vanessa? -Why are you calling your wife? -Because she's my wife! You just said you don't know how far this goes. I was just thinking about the pub. Oh, well, there's a surprise. -(phone line beeping) -I can't get through. Can you get through to Sam? I've got full bars; I'm not getting through. (operators voices' overlapping, busy signal beeping) Must be the network. Holy shit. This is all connected. This explains why everything's gone fuck-up. Everybody's been replaced by one of these. That's why no one recognized us. Basil, Dave, Raymondo. I thought it was weird. Shane Hawkins. Exactly, it's not us that's changed; it's the town. I'm right, aren't I, Andy? Andy, aren't I right? -You're never wrong. -Look, whatever the fuck's happening, we can't stay in the gents' forever. Ten people have entered this toilet in the last five minutes, and not a single one's come back out again. That's gonna look suspicious. (gasps) Gay loving. PETER: And that's worse than five dismembered bodies? This is Newton Haven. (sighs) (panting) I don't think we've ever been so busy. UPBEAT MUSIC Since becoming a ready business a year ago, work's picked up, and we've added six more jobs a day. I've put this down to our new way of working. Everyone's on the same page, making managing jobs simple as. I don't think we've ever been so busy. There's more cash in the till, and we've even brought on a new bloke. Ooh, a bit cold, mate. More Kiwi businesses are benefitting from being ready. You can too. How's it looking? Normal. Very normal. I don't like it. What do we do? Let's finish our drinks. I say we neck these and get the fuck out of here. -To London? -To The Trusty Servant. -Are you fucking kidding? -Oh, yeah. It's The Good Companions next. I always mix those two up. You're saying we move on to the next pub? Look, we should get in the Beast and head back to London. -My brake light is broken. -So don't use the brakes. -I'm way over the limit. -When's that ever stopped you? I don't want to put any more points on Pete's license. Andy can drive; he's teetotal. (groaning) ANDY: Ah... That settles it then. The last thing we need to do is get pulled over by the police. A: We're all drunk, B: They might be in on it, and C: We've got blood on our hands. -It's more like ink. -We've got ink on our hands. OFFICER: So, has it got messy yet? What? What are you, five pubs in? Four. Oh, not even halfway. Plenty more fun to be had. Enjoy your night, Peter. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. The way I see it, we've told everybody we're doing the Golden Mile. -You did. -If we suddenly jump in the Beast now and head for the hills, they're gonna know that we know, but if we keep doing what we're doing and going where we're going, then they're not gonna know. -Know what? -That we know. I suggest we finish what we started, and leave quietly in the morning. Wait, you-you're really suggesting... ANDY: We finish The Golden Mile. It's pointless arguing with him. Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo. GARY: We're just five friends on a night out, having a good time. # Show me the way to the next whisky bar. # Oh, don't ask why. Oh, don't ask why. # Show the way to the next whisky bar. # Oh, don't ask why. Oh, don't ask why. # For if we don't find the next whisky bar, # I tell you we must die. # I tell we must die. # I tell you, I tell you, I tell you we must die. -Drinking. -(sighs) -Beer. -Pubs. -(burps) -Shall we? PETER: I feel a little uncomfortable drinking this much. GARY: No, man, it's like Dutch courage, isn't it? You know, when the English soldiers used to drink Dutch gin before battle to give them super-strength. No, I thought that was to numb the sense of impending doom. Exactly. We're just five friends on a night out, having a good time. (thunder crackles, rumbles) (sighing) I need the toilet. Go on then, you've earned it. Huh? You're doing really good, Oliver. He didn't make it this far last time. I'm proud of him. You're enjoying this, aren't you? Yeah, five guys on a night out, having a great time. Pretending to have a great time. -Are you pretending? -If we get out of here alive, I'm gonna kill you. We're still in the dark here, Gary. Yeah, our families could be in danger, -for all we know. -I know. My mum could be dead. -For reals this time. -(groans) Why don't we just ask somebody? Who? The Reverend Green. Come on. Hey, what the fuck are you doing? I'm gonna go and have a little chat with the Reverend Green. You're gonna buy drugs? I'm gonna go over there and subtly check if that is the Reverend Green, and if it is, I can ask him what's going on. And possibly buy some drugs. What if he's one of them? No, me and the Reverend had a highly sophisticated code when discussing the purchase of herbal narcotics. If he doesn't understand me, it means he's one of them, and I will simply walk away. (groans, thuds) Have you got any drugs? I don't do that anymore, Gary. -Do what? -That. Is that why you're wearing a suit, is it? 'Cause drug dealing's not good enough for you? There are no drug dealers anymore, Gary. I've got a proper job and a proper office. You had a proper office. That was the gents' toilets. Nothing wrong with doing your business in the toilet. Look, a lot has changed since you've left. I know. How much do you know? -A little. -How much is a little? -The town has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff. -Shh. Keep your voice down. You don't even know what you're talking about. -Tell us then. -Well, they're not robots. Do you even know what "robot" means? Of course I do. It's like, (in robot voice): "Hello. I am a robot." It means "slave." And believe me, they're not slaves. Are you their prisoner? No, I'm very happy. Oh, tell your face. Hey, what's going on? The town's been invaded by robots who aren't robots, and the Rev's their prisoner. -I'm not. -Hey. We're leaving first thing; we can get you out of here. I'm not going. It's not what you think. This is for all our benefit. You've said too much, Trevor. Yeah, put a cork in it, Trevor. -I'm just trying to help. -It's not your place to help. They will have everything in hand. Are you guys robots? Well, the word "robot" actually comes from an old Czech word... -"Robotnik." -...meaning slave. -And we're not slaves. -We're very, very happy. And not robots. Oh, my God, are these guys robots? -(shushing) -Shut up about robots. I say we shut up about everything. (phone rings) (muffled talking over phone) Trevor. It's your supervisor. MAN (over phone): Hello, Trevor. Hello, sir. (low, indistinct talking over phone) But... I understand. (click; hangs up) (unsettling music) Thanks a bunch. (toilet flushing in distance) What did I miss? Your friends trying to help. We don't need your help. Well, what should we do? I suggest you get on your way. I think we should do what he says. Okay. (chuckles) GARY: Five more, coming up. Here we go. Come on! Gary! Gary! Let's just get in and out of this one, yeah? No more making new friends. Ah, gentlemen. The prodigal sons return. What'll it be? One of our guest ales, perchance? Might I recommend five pints of Crowning Glory? Rather fitting, wouldn't you say, Gary? What, sorry, what? It's a delightful brew: hoppy, nutty, foamy. ANDY: Does it have a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue? You're obviously a connoisseur. -(laughs) -Then you'll already know that it's a rare treat for rogues, reverends, or royalty, and all good folks between. Five of those, please. Welcome home, boys. I don't remember him being that friendly. STEVEN: He's obviously one of them. How can he be? He remembered me. We don't know what they remember. OLIVER: Maybe they have selective memories. Yeah, like what's-his-name. Me! Maybe he's one of the others like the Reverend. It is very hard to tell, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, is he one of them, or is he one of them? -Wait, wait, which ones are the thems again? -They're both thems aren't they, but there's two ways of saying it. Is he one of them, or is he one of "them"? We need different terms. and one for robots who aren't robots. STEVEN: All right. We need to be able to differentiate between them, "them" and us. PETER: Yeah, I think the pronouns -are really confusing. -STEVEN: Yes. OLIVER: It's a word that can function by itself, as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse. -I don't get it. -You just used one. -Did I? -Yeah. "It" is a pronoun. -What is? -"It." -Is it? -Christ! STEVEN: Look, we just need a fucking word so we can identify who's who. Like, he's a blank. She's a blank. Those two people are definitely blanks. Sam. I've got this, Steve. -All right, Sam? -Oh, crumbs. How's your night going? (sighs) Good. Sort of. What do you mean, "sort of"? Well, it's weird, isn't it? You come back and everything's the same, but sort of different. Different how? Just weird. How weird? What are you getting at, Gary? Come with me. Fuck's sake, Gary, take a hint. It's all right; I'm not trying to have sex with you. Why are we in the disabled toilets then? There's something I need to tell you right now. Unless you do want to have sex, in which case, -I'll tell you afterwards. -Tell me right now. Have you noticed anything creepy about the twins, apart from the fact that they're twins? Just because they're twins doesn't automatically -make them creepy. -It does a little bit. You had sex with them. A: I did not, and B: How did you know about that? A: It's a small town, B: I'm not stupid. And C: they told me. Right, well, I did once, but I was wasted. Which was creepy, because it was like there was four of them. I'm not proud of it. -I am a bit. -Is this what you wanted to tell me? No, this is. (slap, Gary screams) BOTH: Are you okay, Sam? I need a cigarette. Nobots. -How about Fauxbots? -OLIVER: You know, I think we should get away from the whole robots thing. PETER: Steven? STEVEN: What's he up to? ANDY: Oh, don't worry. He's probably just trying to fuck Oliver's sister. Andy! Oh, my God, that man is full of shit. I know that's not a surprise to you. BOTH: What did he say, Sam? He said that Newton Haven has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff. And if we don't do what they say, they'll make us their prisoners. BOTH: Did you believe him? No, of course not. BOTH (firmly): Did you believe him? What? (yelling) (grunting, growling) (gasps) See? (robotic voice): Come on, Sam. You know better than to believe Gary King. (grunts) Sam! (grunting) God, you creepy bitches! Get off! (yells) Chuck us a ciggie. Oh... uh... Gary, what's happening? I told you in the disabled's. Oh, yes, you did. We should get inside, eh? Otherwise people are gonna ask what the hell's going on. What the hell's going on? Steve, I got this. Got what? Sam, he's not good enough for you. BOTH: What? We have been through some crazy shit tonight. Eh? And it's really put things in perspective for me. And if everything is as fucked up as it seems, then there's something I need to tell you. You might think this is because I've had seven pints, but it's not. It's not. I'm in love with you, Sam. I always have been. And it breaks my heart to see you waste your affections on Gary fucking King. Hey, that's a bit harsh. Oh, no, you've got it all wrong. There is nothing between me... And while I'm being honest, just to lay it all out there, I am currently seeing a fitness instructor. She's 26 years old, but I would drop her in a heartbeat if it meant that I had one last chance with you. Steven, there is nothing between me and Gary King. (grunts) Oh, fuck! (yells) Huh? Sorry! (screams) (yells) Hey! Get your feet off her! (yells) Yes! Pop its head off! Pop its head off like an aspirin bottle! (yelling) Blue bloods. N-Nothing suggested in the last three minutes has been better than "Smashy-Smashy Egg Men." -N-Nothing. -What the hell's going on? Did you guys think of a name for the robots who aren't robots? -I'm afraid we've drawn a blank. -(splutters) Well, we just had a barney with two "blanks" in the beer garden. SAM: We have to leave now. GARY: Agreed. Let's hit The Mermaid. Wait, what? -Number eight. -Number eight? Ah, fuck. Andy, what's happening? Gary thinks we should keep up with the crawl, because they know what we're doing, but they don't know that we know what they're doing. And basically, no one else has a better idea, so fuck it. What...? Wait! SAM: Guys! Guys! I've got a better idea. -I'm parked right around here somewhere. -(giggles) -Oh, let's just go! -Yay. Steven, tell them. Gary said they'll get us if we try and leave now. (chuckles): We're way past leaving now. Come on. (disco music playing) (chuckles): Oh, yes! This is what the kids want. PETER: This is a bit mad, isn't it? No, this is perfect. We'll hide out in here. I'll get the drinks in. Good plan, O-Man! Hey! Keep an eye out for blanks! You got it. (grunts) ('90s pop music plays) Why didn't you say anything? About what? About what you said in the garden. I always wanted to, but it just never seemed like the right moment. Something always got in the way. Here you go! Get these down you. Thanks. Steven? No! I don't want to go in here. Please. I have so much to live for! -It's me, you numpty. -Basil! I knew seeing your faces again would spell trouble! Wait, how do I know it's really you? Because... I'm the only one who's going to tell you the truth about Newton Haven. (clears throat) Now, do you recall the events of the evening of June 22, 1990? No. But I know a man who does. (pop music continues) OLIVER: (whistles) Here you go. Hey! See anyone we know? (Gary gasps) ALL: The marmalade sandwich! They look good! It's the lights. It's the drink. -(glass shatters) -Who cares what it is? Steven? Steven! That was the night they arrived. Remember the shooting star? That was them. Nothing happened at first. They were getting ready, burrowing in underground, preparing. (voice-over): Not long after you lot left, people started to change. Just one or two at first, then more. They replaced people of influence, taking over the institutions. (voice-over): Remaking, remodeling, refurbishing. Doing everything they could to make us join them! I can't find Steven. Huh. Well, where are the others? Oh, crumbs! It's not like the replacements were evil. Far from it. People got a lot friendlier. That's how they do it. (voice-over): It's not an invasion, it's a merger. They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it. They just want to make us more like them, change the way we think, bring us into line with all the others, become another link in their chain. Which is fine, unless you say no. That's when you get replaced. Once they get your DNA, they've got you. How do they do that? BASIL (voice-over): Any way they like. Blood tests, the nit nurse, sweat, kissing, saliva on the rim of a glass. Why do you think I drink with this crazy straw? Not so crazy now, is it? If you're not on their side, they'll create a version that is. (voice-over): They can bring you back exactly the same, or even make you young again. It looks like you, it even has your memory. But really, it's just a vessel to spread their message. Trust, love, respect, desire... (gulps) replaced in the name of progress. So what happens to the people that get replaced? The empties? (scoffs) Don't ask me what happens to them. Why, what happens to the empties? I told you not to ask me that! Go. Get out, before it's too late. (door opens, closes) Basil? BASIL: I said go! This just can't be good. Sam, who was the boy that you liked in sixth form? Adrian? Adrian Keane? Why? Oh, he's over there. Hey, Sam. How's life? -Steven! -Sam! BOTH: We have to get out of here! Where are the others? They're blending in. (laughing) Oh, fuck! Gary! Oh, no, just one more song. Gary! She's a blank. Don't be so judgmental! -Oh, for fu... -(screams) GARY: Oh, yeah. Come on! Still got it. Enough's enough. Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, hold up. (laughs) Where are you all going? -We're leaving. -Really? What happened? -Adrian Keane was in that bar. -Prick. I thought you liked Adrian Keane. -Adrian Keane's dead. -Oh, God. Adrian Keane died in a motorbike accident -in Italy eight years ago. -Did he? They must have had his DNA on file. That's how they were able to replicate him. They know how to get to us, man. They know everything! They didn't know Adrian was dead. They knew enough to tempt us though. They knew these three would fall for a bunch of girls -in school uniform. -Hey! Who wouldn't, am I right? -Fuck, yeah. -We got to get out of town. We got to get beyond it before it's too late. -Where are you getting all this from? -Basil! OLIVER: Oh, mad Basil? He of the Bermuda Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis? Another good name for the band, Steve. Y-You're putting our lives in the hands of a crazy old man. -He's not crazy! -No, maybe he's not. Or maybe he's a blank trying to lure us to the edge of town onto those dark country roads where they can deal with us. Yeah, we could end up dead in a field. I hate fields. OLIVER: Yes. My thoughts precisely. Steven's right. We should go. No, we are going to The Beehive! Gary's plan is still the best we have! Wait a minute. 1990-model Oliver was out of commission by this point in the evening. What are you saying? I like the new you! -(chuckles) -Come on. (laughs) Oh, this is a mistake, isn't it? -Hold up! -Just stick with me. GARY: Andy! Come on! -(laughs) -Fuck, yeah! That's the spirit, Pete. Ooh, spirits! We should do chasers. -Who is this guy? -I don't know. Come on. Andy! It can't start without you. You what? We can't start without you. -(door creaks) -(laughter) Now, then. (clears throat) Whose round is it? SHEPHERD: It's mine. -Mr. Shepherd? -Mr. Shepherd? Is it Mr. Shepherd? Why don't you kids join me. You look like you could do with a drink. (burps) Now, let's have a little chat about your future, shall we? Hmm? Uh, Mr. Shepherd... Please. Call me Guy. All right. Guy... (laughter) (laughs): Fuck you! Are you a robot? Does anyone know what "robot" means? -Uh, yeah, I do. -Yes, Gary. Uh, it means "slave." Oh, very good, Gary. (burps) Are you a robot, sir? No, Peter, of course I'm not a robot. -STEVEN: Uh, sir? -Yes, Steven. But you're on their side though. This is not about sides, Steven. It's not about shirts versus skins. It's about working together as one team. I know it may seem a bit weird and a little bit scary, but please believe me, it's quite the opposite. They're here to help, to straighten us out, to prepare us for the big league. They've seen something in us, a potential. There's a vast community of worlds up there, living together peacefully, cooperatively. And guess what, they want us along for the ride. (snaps fingers) Pretty cool, eh, gang? (both laugh) OLIVER: So... (clears throat) they're not here to harm us? Oh, far from it, O-Man, no. They're here to help. I'm not saying they're afraid to get tough. I've certainly had to get tough with you in my day, and what one amongst you wouldn't thank me for it? Hmm? In some respect, they're a lot like teachers. Stern, yes. A little frightening. But it's all for our betterment. So, what do you say we all go somewhere and talk about this properly? That wasn't properly? Well, I think it's pretty clear, guys. What Mr. Shepherd is trying to say is that... (gasps) Andy, what the fuck? (robotic voice): Yes, Andy, what the fuck? -WTF! -(yells) -(alarm ringing) -(robotic voice): Humans... ...you leave us no recourse. If you will not join us willingly, we will be forced to use other means of persuasion. Now, please... (yells) I fucking hate this town! (fast-paced techno music) (grunts) (yells) (grunting) Bloody hell. (screams) Pete! (grunting continues) (yells) (yells) (Sam yells) Oh, crumbs, you're heavy! Sorry. (grunting) Motherfucker! (grunting) (gasps) Andy! -Huh? -Twist the melon, man! (grunting) Yeah! (grunting) -Sam. -(gasps) This is no way for a family to behave. (choking) I'm so disappointed in you. (straining) Okay, Andy, break it up. (thunder rumbling) It doesn't have to be like this. It could be so much simpler, so completely painless. If only you'd see the light. OLIVER: Yes. You see, it's not about... conflict. It's about togetherness. MR. SHEPHERD: Yes. Let's try this again, shall we? How about another round? Nah. (glass shatters) We're done here. Yes, Gary. That appears to be the case. (snaps fingers) -(alarm ringing) -The Smokehouse! -What?! -Just do it! Come on! This way! (Sam panting) Humans, this is your final warning. (yelling) Failure to comply will result in your... Humans, obey now or face the consequences. (yells) Let's go! (grunting) GARY: Shit. Oh, look, there's my car! Let's climb down the drainpipe. I've got a better idea. (car alarm blaring) Climb down the drainpipe. (alarm chirps, stops) -Okay, just go. -Wait. What about the others? Leave it with me, okay? I got this. -Are you sure? -Yeah. I always land on my feet. I don't know if that's true, Gary. J-Just go. -Will you find out what happened to my brother? -Yeah, of course. Of course, and I-I'll look after Stevie for you, eh? He's a good guy. He's better than me. Gary, you're not a bad person. But you're not boyfriend material. You know, the whole free-spirit, "quick one in the disabled toilets" thing, it-it is kind of cool when you're 17, but not when you're facing 40. Comes a time you have to go forwards, not backwards. Maybe if I hadn't left you behind that night, things would all be different. It's not all about that night, Gary. Isn't it? It doesn't have to be. We'll always have the disableds, though, won't we? Yeah. Yeah, we'll always have the disableds. (engine revs, tires screech) (gasps) (grunting): Oh, no. (panting) (grunts) STEVEN: Where's Sam? -I put her in her car. -You did what? I put her in her car. I just told her to leave. You just sent away the only one of us sober enough to drive? -Yeah. -STEVEN: You just couldn't stand the fact that she might prefer me to you. -That's not true. -It is true, Gary. I was getting somewhere. We held hands. I was just trying to help. You're trying to help yourself, more like. Jesus, I do something right for a change, -and you fuckers get on my case. -ANDY: Wow. That is the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong. I said I did something right. -Yeah, "for a change." -So? Meaning the rest of the time, you're wrong. -Not necessarily. -(all groan) GARY: Look, I just thought it was best to keep her out of harm's way. What about us, Gary? Aren't we in harm's way? We're all right, Pete. Come on, we're the Five Musketeers. No, we're the Four Musketeers. Wait. How do we know you put her in the car? How do we know you're you? Of course I'm me. But who the fuck are you, Gary? I'm Gary King, all right? There's only one Gary King. How do I know you guys are you? We've been together the whole time. Well, you might all not be you. How did you know O-Man wasn't O-Man? Because his birthmark was back. GARY: What does that prove? Because of what Basil said. They make a copy from your DNA. That's why he had his birthmark. He was new, like a baby. -Like a man baby. -Like a "maybe." Oliver, with none of the shit that had happened to the real Oliver. No laser surgery. So the blanks really are just blank? No wear and tear. -No scars. -Steve, in 1987, we were playing cricket, and I accidentally pushed you onto a broken bottle that nearly went up your arse. -So? -Show us your bum. -Very nice. -Thank you. Pete, you got that 50cc Suzuki in 1988, and you let me have a go on it, and I ran over your leg. Ah. What the fuck? Oh, right, it's the other one. (chuckles) -(others sigh) -Andy, in 1986, we reenacted the knife game from "Aliens," and I stabbed you in the middle finger. ANDY: How about December 1997 when you O.D.'d and I drove you to the hospital four times over the limit, and I ended up rolling the car and almost severing my femoral artery, at which point you made a miraculous fucking recovery and ran off into the night, leaving me to get arrested after 12 hours of life-saving surgery? Either one of those will do. Thank you. What about you? That's easy. That could have been drawn on. Well, aren't all tattoos drawn on? -Yeah. -ANDY: Show us your arm. What? Show us your arm. No. No. You fell offstage at the fifth-year ball, fucking around, and dislocated your elbow. You have got a scar where they put the metal plate in. I don't have to show you anything, all right? I-I'm Gary King. I know I'm me. If I'm not me, then how do I know that carved into that beam above your head are the words "King Gary"? But it doesn't say "King Gary." Yes, it does. Doesn't it? No. It says "King Gay." Well, some cunt scrubbed out the "R"! -That was me. -Why? -(laughing): "King Gay." -That means fuck-all anyway. Mr. Shepherd remembered stuff. So did Oliver. Selective memory. Remember? We don't see you for years, and you just pitch up and bring us here. You better come up with some hard evidence that you're human. Otherwise we're going to find out for ourselves. You want evidence? There. That proves I'm human. Proves you're stupid. Exactly. Ow! ALL: It is Gary. (clattering in distance) ANDY: The whole town's out looking for us. GARY: That's a good thing. If everybody's outside, that means nobody's inside. Gary, wait! Fuck. (chuckling) ANDY: Gary! Gary, what do you mean, nobody's inside? -I mean we can still do this. -Do what exactly? Oh, we're still on the crawl! (laughing) "King Gay." SHANE: Peter? Peter. I thought that was you. You okay? Am... am I what? I know we didn't see eye-to-eye at school. Goodness knows I regret that. I wanted to say something back at the pub, but I felt so terribly ashamed by what I'd done. Let me make it up to you, Peter. Please? Gary, you're out of your mind. We've come too far. -It's fucking suicide. -I know. We are going to get to The World's End if it kills us. Where's Pete? PETER: I hate you! -You fucking bastard! -Pete. -I hate you! -Pete, leave it! -Why are you doing this, Peter? -Pete! We don't want to hurt you. -Pete! -Come on, mate, it's not worth it! Yes, it fucking is! -(Pete yelling) -GARY: Pete! -STEVEN: What's he doing? Oh, shit. -(Pete yelling) -Peter. -GARY: Pete! -(weakly): Peter. -Pete, come on! -Peter. Peter... I must say, I'm very disappointed in you, Peter. I'll punch their fucking lights out. Andy, no, no, no, there's too many of them. Pete. (electronic, siren-like wail) (whirring) -Pete. -GARY: We got to go. -Gary's right. -We've got to get to The King's Head. -Exactly. What? -(Andy grunting) We are not going to The King's Head! We're done! We're going to do what we should've done in the first place: get the Beast and get out of here. We are fucking leaving, and we are never coming back. Now, you can either come with us willingly, or I am going to knock you the fuck out and carry you there myself. -You choose! -All right, all right. Just think about what you're saying, you know, 'cause you have been drinking. You fuck! (grunts) STEVEN: Shit. It's those fucking kids. Oh, not them again. What the hell is that? I don't know, but it's definitely not modern art. Oh, shit. We are trapped. Where's the Beast? Okay, all right. We're here. The Beast is in the next street. How are we going to get to it? -We'll have to go through. -Through where? I don't fucking believe this. Number ten. Come on. Quick, quick. Come on. -Shit. -(Andy grunts) Let's go. STEVEN: The back door. Back door. Let's go. Here we go. Okay, there it is. -(blanks screeching) -Shit! We wait for an opening, and then we leg it to the Beast. We need the keys. ANDY: Gary? Gary. What are you doing? -Just a little toast. -Gary. Put the pint down, yeah? To Oliver... Pete... and to us. You know, 'cause ten pubs isn't bad. It's not, but we're calling time. Okay. (sighs) So close. Number ten. Okay. So close. (keys jangling) -(grunts softly) -ANDY: No, no, no, no, no. Gary. Gary! Gary! STEVEN: Let him go. He left you, man. I can't. Andy! Gary! Gary! Gary, come back! Come back, you stupid bastard! (siren-like wailing) (panting) (grunts) (yelling) (police siren whoops) ANDY: Gary! Gary! Gary! (grunting) (grunts) (high-pitched whirring) (Andy grunts) (grunts) Andy, look out! (grunting) (Andy grunting) Come on! (tires squealing) What the...? STEVEN: Get in! Get in! Gary, Andy, get the fuck in! You heard him, Andy. Get the fuck in. STEVEN: We haven't much time! Andy, go now! -Steven! -STEVEN: Go! (grunts) (grunts) (grunts fiercely) Andy... I want you inside me. Okay. Cheers. (panting) (laughs softly) ANDY: No! -(glass shatters) -You've had enough! -This is The World's End, man! -I know! (grunts) -Stop this now! -(Gary groans) (groaning): Leave me alone. What do you care, anyway? Of course I fucking care. There is a reason I'm angry at you. Oh, God-- I know why you're angry at me, okay? But it's not my fault that you crashed that car! That's not the point. You let me down, man. You were Gary King. Gary fucking King. I would have followed you to the end. I... I fucking have. Then stop following me! (groaning) (both grunting) GARY: No! It's just one more! Let me have this! You've got everything you want! What are you talking about? You've got your perfect job and your perfect house and your perfect wife! You think it's all perfect? (grunts) She left me, Gary. She took the kids to her mum's three weeks ago. Said I'm not present enough. I am trying to win her back, and God knows I am losing. But I will continue to fight, because that is how we survive. For fuck's sake, Gary, I just punched my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy. Exactly. You-you fight for what's important. What is so important about the Golden Mile? It's all I've got! Gary! (grunting) Ah. -(screams) -(glass shatters) (both grunting) (panting) You need help, Gary. I got help. You know what help was? Help was a lot of people sitting in a circle talking about how fucking awful things had got. That is not my idea of a good time. And this is? They told me when to go to bed! Me! Gary, mate... how can you tell when you're drunk if you're never sober? I don't want to be sober! (glasses clinking, rattling) It never got better than that night. That was supposed to be the beginning of my life. All that promise and fucking optimism. That feeling like we could take on the whole universe. It was a big lie. Nothing happened! You don't need to do this, Gary. Yeah, I do. MALE VOICE (over speaker): Please stand by. (rumbling; bottles and glasses clinking and rattling) Please stand by. Please stand by. -Please stand by. -(whooshing, buzzing) (grunts) MECHANICAL VOICE: Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero. (whispering voices repeating "Gary") What are you doing? No, no... no. Don't go. MALE VOICE: Gary King. (sighs, sniffs) Yeah? (harsh whirr) Gary King of the humans? Yeah. What... what do you want? We are here to enable your full potential as we have with countless worlds across the galaxy. Oh, yeah. How did you manage that, then? We appropriate a small percentage of the population at 2,000 or so penetration points across the planet. This ensures maximum coverage. From there, we create simulants to spread our ideologies through peaceful indoctrination. Our objective is simple: to ready the population for participation in our galactic community. This method requires a small sacrifice. But the fewer replacements we make, the more successful we consider our operation. Of course... we welcome those who volunteer themselves. We can offer attractive incentives for those who willingly combine. The chance to be young again, and yet retain selected memories. Isn't that something you'd like? Something you've always wanted? (gasps) Oh, my God. I'm so cute. The beauty of our system is that we all win. There are no losers. Allow me to carry your legend forward. Let the man you have become... be the boy you were. (chuckles) Nah. (grunts) There's only one Gary King! Then you have made your choice, Gary King of the humans. Yeah, I have. Because, frankly, who the fuck are you to come down here and tell us what to do? We are the Network, and we are here for your betterment. In the last 23 years, have you not marveled as information technology has surged forward? -No. -Earth has grown smaller yet greater, as connectivity has grown. This is our doing, and it is just the beginning. Oh, fuck off, you big lamp. You are children, and you require guidance. There is no room for imperfection. Hey, Earth isn't perfect. All right? And-and humans aren't perfect. And guess what-- I ain't perfect. And therein lies the necessity for this intervention. Must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you? ANDY: Oh. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who put you in charge, huh? Who are you to criticize anyone? Now, you might think Gary is a bit of a cock. -And-and he is a bit of a cock. -Hmm? -But he's my cock! -Oh, thanks, man. But he is a detriment to himself, just as Earth is a detriment -to the galaxy. -What did... what did you say? You act out the same cycles of self-destruction again and again. At this point, your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy. What did he say? He's saying we're a bunch of fuck-ups. Hey! It is our basic human right to be fuck-ups! This civilization was founded on fuck-ups! And you know what? That makes me proud. Oh, yeah, and me! What is it they say? "To err is..." -"To err is human." -"To err is human!" So, uh... We do not believe you speak for all humanity. You are but two men. Two drunk men. STEVEN: Three drunk men! GARY and ANDY: Stevie baby! (laughing) -NETWORK: Enough! -GARY: You came back! Enough, humans! Oh, you are in trouble now. It's only the fucking Three Musketeers. You are revolting against the wisdom of countless solar systems. Yeah, we are revolting. Wait. You just said you're not here to conquer. Can I just ask: How many people did you have to replace in Newton Haven? -That is irrelevant. -Is it? Hands up. Who here is human? I'm human. -And me. -That's two. I am, but don't know for how long. ALL: Basil! -Shh. -STEVEN: So, what's that? -Three? -You had to replace an entire town? Not the entire town. Well, everybody apart from Old Nutball and the Shifty Twins. That's a good name for a band, Gary. -You should write that down. -I will. What about the ones you replaced, like Peter and Oliver? Yeah! What happened to the empties? BASIL: I told you not to ask that! Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched and converted into fertilizer, whereupon they are returned to the earth to promote verdancy and growth. It is a highly efficient means of organic renewal. -Mulched? -It is a relative few in the light of our long-term plan. You mean a few hundred thousand turned to fucking compost! ANDY: What about the other places? -The penetration points? -(Gary whistles) Are they as successful as Newton Haven? Because I'm... I'm guessing we're not the only glitch in your system. It is true the Network has been experiencing some difficulties. I think you bit off more than you can chew with Earth, mate. Yeah, 'cause we are more belligerent, more stubborn and more idiotic than you can possibly imagine. And I am not just talking about Gary. Yeah, there's more than one Gary King! -But you said... -I fucking know what I fucking said! Your reliance on profanity is a measure of your immaturity -as a man and as a species! -(spluttering) and fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts? Yeah! Stop fucking Starbucking us, man! (laughing): Yeah! It's our duty to challenge you! Just leave us to our own devices, you intergalactic asshole. -You misunderstand! -Shut up! -We are trying... -Nobody's listening! -If you don't leave... -Face it! We are the human race, and we don't like being told what to do. Just what is it that you want to do? -We want to be free. -(grunting): Yeah. We want to be free to do what we want to do. Yeah. -And we want to get loaded. -Yeah! And we want to have a good time. And that's what we're going to do. It's pointless arguing with you. You will be left to your own devices. Really? Yeah. Fuck it. (dial tone sounding, power whirring off) (clicking, whirring) -They fucked off! -(laughing) Yay! (whooping, laughing) Yes, yes, yes! Up yours! Up yours! Up yours! Yeah! We did it! We won! We won! -(laughing) -(explosions booming) Gary! Let's Boo-Boo! Yeah, it's shit here, isn't it? Oh! Boys! Up here! Go! Go! Go! Get up! Come on! (electrical crackling, explosions booming) Well done. Thanks a bunch. Had to go and spoil it, didn't you? Yeah. Happy now? Basil, what do we do now? Same as before. Go! Where's the Beast? The Beast's dead, mate. You know what? You know what is really annoying? What? I promised myself I wouldn't die in this town. (car approaching) You're not gonna. I think our luck just changed. -(horn honking) -(Gary whooping) (thud) GARY: Oh! -SAM: Sorry. -Sam? Yes. You came back for us. Yes, I did. I-I got lost on the ring road, but yes. (grunts) Hi, Sam! Can you give us a lift to London, please? Did you find out what happened to my brother? Tell you on the way. SAM: Oh, sorry about the mess. I've been meaning to clean that up. We forgive you. Let's go! Which way? Backwards! (screaming) (glass shattering) Which way now? Go straight over! (all screaming) (tires squealing) (gasps) (electrical crackling, flames whooshing) We can make it! We're going to make it! (engine whines) We made it! (all screaming) (all coughing) (door banging) (groaning) (electrical crackling, whooshing) (panting) (grunts) (groaning sigh) I'm sorry. I know. I know. ANDY (voice-over): Everyone remembers where they were when the lights went out on planet Earth. Me, Gary, Steven and Sam-- we were standing right by the switch. I guess it was a big night for everyone. That morning gave a whole new meaning to the word "hangover." We decided to walk it off, all the way back to London. But the headache didn't end there. It just went on and on and on. (wry laugh) Talk about the big smoke. When the Network went down, it triggered some kind of pulse. Wiped out all our technology... and sent us here... back to the Dark Ages. There were casualties, of course. I knew a few of them. Some guy from work, cousin Paul... Gary's mum. (blows, inhales deeply) Nobody really knew how many we lost, because we never heard from the rest of the world again. Everyone got cut off. It isn't easy now, but it is simpler. I'm back with the wife, which is something. We decided our problems didn't seem as bad in the grand scheme of things. We all had to go organic in a big way. But if I'm honest, I'm hard-pressed to recall any processed foods I actually miss. (wind whistling, bird cawing) As for the blanks... a funny thing happened there. They woke up. A week or so after the Network pulled out, they just sort of rebooted by themselves. Tried to start afresh. They seemed lost at first-- children cut off from their parents. Abandoned, forgotten. Looking for guidance, for someone to show them the way. I felt a bit sorry for them, to be honest. (crowd shouting) The Network was right about one thing: We can be a bit uncivilized. Maybe we would have been a bad influence on the rest of the galaxy. Oliver went back to being an estate agent. People still need a roof over their heads, and the old Ollie always had a gift for the gab. I guess the new one has, too. (Andy chuckles) He's doing all right. I hear that the Peter found its way home to Bishop's Gardens. I suppose he picked up where the other one left off. I'm not sure his wife noticed. Maybe she chose not to. He's a pretty good dad, by all accounts. Steven and Sam got together in the end. Didn't see that coming. They shacked up just outside London. It's a pretty nice shack, too. As for Gary, I don't know what happened to Gary. We got separated. I never saw him again. Some say he went back to Newton Haven, but I don't know why. I think his business there was done. It's funny, but... I miss him. I wonder if he misses me... misses the boys. (choral music) Wherever he is, I hope he's happy. That's all he ever wanted, really-- to have a good time. I just hope he found it beyond the bottom of a glass. Because real happiness, real friends-- those are things worth living for. Worth fighting for. (indistinct conversations) (conversations stop) (music playing) Blank bastards. Fucking robots. (music slowing down) Five waters, please. You can have one... but I ain't serving this scum. Oh, well, I'm afraid it's all for one and one for all. You see, my young friends and I are on an adventure-- a quest, if you will-- and since we find ourselves in need of refreshment, you, sir, have the honor of drawing first blood. So I'll ask you again... for the last time: Five waters, please. Who the hell do you think you are? -Me? -(whoosh, whirr) They call me the King. (yells) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015