1 1 1 # "The Ecstasy of Gold" - Ennio Morricone 1 1 (ALL SCREAM / SHOUT) (CAR ALARMS WAIL) Argh! Holy shit! (BULL WHINNIES) Oh, fuck! No, no, no, no! No, no, no! (BULL ROARS) (SCREAMS) Argh...! Oh, shit! Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass! Help! Alright, boys and girls. It's time for a puppet show. Once upon a time, there was a hungry serpent,... and a lonely field mouse who needed a friend. "Hello, Mr Serpent,..." (LAUGHTER) "..my name is Mr Mousey. I wanna be your friend." Make sure my whole wiener's out. I wanna look good. How about if I tickle him on the tail? Hey, over here... (LAUGHTER) (SNAKE HISSES) (ALL LAUGH / SCREAM) "That's not nice. That's not the way we play back home." "That was NOT nice!" Dude... (LAUGHS) Ah... He's like an inch away. (ALL LAUGH) "Here we go. Give me a little kissy." (ALL SHOUT) "A little kiss." Ohhhhh,... God! Oh, God, that hurts! (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) It's got its tooth stuck in his dick! I... I guess the puppet show's over then. Oh, my God! What the fuck is that? Dude, look at that. It's like... Someone like... Look at it. What is this? I can't even read it, dude. Read it out loud. "Hi, Jackass guys. I heard you were staying here." "My name is Stephanie, me and my friends love you." "Some of you hooked up with my sister four years ago." "I don't care about that..." Oh! You fucking dick! (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS WILDLY) Oh... I wondered why it was so fucking small. Did you see this? Fucking fans just wrote this, like, saying how much they want to fuck us. (LAUGHS) And it says... Read it up close, it's fucking hilarious! Read it out loud for the camera. OK. (GIGGLING) "Some of you hooked up with my sister four years ago." It was probably you. (LAUGHS) "And I don't care about that." "Me and my friends will totally rock your world." "I wanna fuck you all." (ALL LAUGH) It's the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen! Fans actually put that... Read the little part, dude. Argh! (ALL LAUGH) (DOOR OPENS) (ROARS WITH LAUGHTER) Get Wee Man's little ass up here. No-one be in the hall. (HISSING) Just like Bam, he's selling it so good. Is there a chair? Wee Man? What? Dude, some girl wants to rock your world. Dude, you got to read this. These fans put up this... Dude, stand on this. Read it out. It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude. "Hi, Jackass guys. I heard you were staying here." (LAUGHS) "My name is Stephanie, me and my friends love you." "Some of you hooked up with my sister four years ago." "I don't care about that. Me and my friends..." Argh! (ALL LAUGH) Oh! Oh, my God, that was amazing! Oh... He actually stood on the chair! Why... Why would there ever be a chair in the hallway? I'm Dave England, and this is... Argh-ha! Oh! Fucking hell! Whoa! Goddamn it! (SCREAMS) Oh, shit! (LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE FROM SIDE) (GROANS) (LAUGHS) Did you see how he slammed? Ow! Ow! Argh! Aaa-aa-aa-aa-ARRRGGH! Oh, my ass hurts so fucking bad! (PANTS) Hey, is it bleeding? Let me see. Man, you are bleeding. My ass is bleeding? Oh, we have rectal bleeding! Another first for Jackass. Get back here, you little bastard! Get back here! (SCREAMS) (ALL SHOUT) Now it's time for a little... # "Bicycle" - Grandbob (LAUGHS) Ahhhhh! Whoa! Alright! Oop! Hear ye, hear ye! # ..it's my cycling song # I wanna feel the wind blowing... # This is really gonna suck! Why would anybody ride this shit?! Like, what's the reasoning? Why wouldn't they just make two of the same-size wheel? Argh! (GROANS) Oh! Oh-ho! (GROANS) Oh, fuck! (PANTS) Ah. You alright? Yeah. You didn't land it. My head stopped my body from getting hurt on that one. Oh! Oh, fuck! We have a weight going up, it's supposed to hit me in the nuts, but I'd prefer, like, a dildo instead of the weight, and then, instead of the nuts, it'll be my ass. It'll go right in. That's the way to do it. Could somebody make a dick run? Please? Today's debate. Is it wrong to be strong? You be the judge. Argh! (ALL LAUGH) Now, Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speed. That's what happened. My name is Gloria, and I'm 90-years-old. I'm a slut! I'm going to go get us a table now, OK? Right, Momma. Thank you. Goodbye. Go ahead. Bye. (WOMAN SCREAMS) (CAR HORN BEEPS) (CAR HORN HOOTS) Excuse me, sir, can I use your cellular telephone? What's the number? I don't know what number. It's the driver. Oh, yes. Can you dial him for me? Yes, yes. What is the number? I don't know. This happens every time I go to brunch. Is this OK for now? Yes, thank you. I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor. This is... (ALL LAUGH) Whoo, whoo! He can barely ride it! # "If You're Gonna Be Dumb" - Smut Peddlers Fuck! Alright, let Thor try it. (ALL) Oh! I hit my head pretty hard. Good thing I'm wearing that helmet. Safety first. I love that confidence! I'm not gay but... I kind of want to fuck him. (ALL) Oh! # With my rehab bills and divorce papers and all that stuff # If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough... # Oh, man! Come on, Danger, get on it. How's the bike? Bike's good. He's mocking the loop! # If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough... # (ALL CHEER) (REVS ENGINE) After this movie comes out, you're totally gonna lose your virginity! You almost pulled it off. I don't think dudes count, Chris. . Here we are at some random-ass ranch, and this is The Brand. And it's gonna suck. Oh! Drop 'em. Good luck! Christ! You've no hair on your ass. It is pretty. You ready? No. You better get ready quick. That is a mini, hard dick right there. Try not to move around. Dear God. I wasn't bummed for you, until right now. OK! If I take it off, it's gonna go cold in a second. Fuck! Alright! You said ten seconds 20 seconds ago! Oh, fuck! Clean him off! Alright, you ready? No, no...! Don't move. Argh, ARRRGH!! Press it hard, you idiot! ARRRGH! Argh! Fuck! It's good! No, it's not. You gotta hold it to it. Quit moving! Go! Argh, argh! Oh! Oh, fuck! Dude, that hurt so bad! Well, if you didn't jump out of the way... You shoulda pressed, asshole! I did press! You went like that! ARRRGH! Ah-ha-ha! Fuck! Oh, goddamn, that hurt so bad. Turn around. I'm not gonna burn you again. (LAUGHS) I got you three times! You gave me a hologram dick. There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one here, then you gave me a set of balls. But a sweet set of balls. Rad! I'd rather rip my dick off, throw it in the river than to do that again. Goddamn! We're at Ape and Phil's. I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt. Let me rephrase that. Dicks! (ALL LAUGH) Well, I gave him a present. What present? He loved it. What? It still hurts! What am I looking at? He gave me a dick farm on my ass. (GASPS) Oh, my God! What is that? What is that? It's supposed to be a dick, but he did it six times, so I have a dick farm... Is that permanent?! Yes! Look! What is that? A tattoo? It's a brand! A hot iron for cows. Bam, that is so infected! That does not look good! Oh, my God, he'll have that for life! You're gonna have that for life! No shit! You should've made it bigger, more realistic. That's embarrassing. Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt. And you had the cutest butt! You've ruined it. No, Dick Farm Dunn did. Why'd you ruin it? He jumped around. I was scared, I'm burning my friend! Why would you burn him in the first place? It was funny. It's not funny! Get ready to be happy, ladies and gentlemen! Johnny Knoxville is going to jump the entire lake! He's amazing! # "Joker and The Thief" - Wolfmother Whoa! (SCREAMS) What happened? You were going about one mile per hour, then 60. I thought you were gonna hang on? There is no holding onto that motherfucker! Oh, my God! Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan is going to jump the entire lake! Mark, give our regards to the folks on the other side. Here we go, bud. Whoa! I thought they forgot to set it off, and then it just took off. I don't know what happened. I don't either. All I know is, he almost made it. He's a hero. We're in England with Mat Hoffman, and he's about to jump the English Channel into Germany. Good luck, Mat. (ALL CHEER) That was fucking great! What was great about that? He didn't even go to Germany! Oh, my God! It's a lovely day for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico. I'm Steve-O, and this is... Errrr! (GROANS) (GROANS) (GROANS) Argh! Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you. (GROANS) (POPPING) Oh, dude. We got it? We're good? That hurt to do that to you. Argh! Yeah, it looks great. Oh, my God. Alright, cast me out, goddamn it. Now it's time for some man-fishing. Oh, the hammerhead's right there. Oh, my God. Thank God we brought Manny to make sure sharks would show up. He's coming to get you, Steve-O. Act like a sick animal. Look at that fin right behind him! Whoo! Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy? (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait. It's like a dream come true. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Here comes a mako! Oh, shit! Steve-O! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! He's right behind you, Steve-O. I am the fuck out of here! No, you're good, man. Stay in there. (SCREAMS) The shark's coming right at you! (SCREAMS) Oh, shit. (TURNS REEL) Come on, stay out there, O! You already got the fucking shot! I want to hear Manny scream. Dude, I fucking kicked it in the fucking head! Get up here. Do you know how lucky you are? A mako almost bit your foot off. (GROANS) Fuck! You are lucky. Fuck, that hurts! Damn it! Thank you so much,... God! Ha ha! You bastard. (LAUGHS) Ooh! (SCREAMS) This is champion card-thrower Jim Karol. He's come to throw cards into Wee Man's ass. What Wee Man doesn't realize, he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool. (BUZZING) ARRRGH! (ALL LAUGH) God, I hate picking on Wee Man. (ALL LAUGH) Wee Man, I'd say you're up. Jump up on the stool. Alright, on three I'm gonna whip it at you. You might feel it a little bit, alright? On three. Ready? Don't worry about it. One, two... (BUZZING) ARGH! ARRRGH! Fuck! That fucking... Did it hit a nerve? Dude, it hit, like, right in there! Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard. Try one more. He's gonna get it to stick. Fuck! On three. One,... two,... three. Argh, argh! I don't fucking like that, dude. That fucking hurts, dude. Tell the camera what's happening. Every time he throws a card in my ass, it jolts me, so I jump off. I'm not gonna fucking sit there! Let me do a pickup shot. No, no. You pinch the card in your butt. Stick it in there, so it's sticking out. Alright. Go. One, two, three. ARRRGH! (ALL LAUGH) It's still in there! (ALL LAUGH) Jump back up. Do you want me to lift you on here? (BUZZING) Argh! OK, fuckers! No, there's a machine in here doing it, you fucking fuckers! (ALL LAUGH) Where's the fucking card-throwing machine? (ALL LAUGH) Where's the fucking card-throwing machine, dude? Show him what it is. Show him what's funny. Oh, the fucking chair's rigged! Oh, my God! Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card-throwing machine on you. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) (RAIN FALLS) Woo-hoo! (THUNDER) (BULL GRUNTS) < (SHOUTING) That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know that Knoxville could do back flips. I'd say a front flip. Where do yaks come from? (DOG BARKS) That's from Siberia. So, that's why Eskimos don't have rodeos. Yeah. Tell me about your original drawing for this. See, I don't write my ideas down, I just draw a picture and fax it to... to Los Angeles. I just drew a picture of a fat-ass, and a little guy with a bungee cord connected. Jason, how do you compare this kind of athleticism to what you guys do? You guys are a hell of a lot more athletic than us. Crazier, too. (LAUGHS) Dude, look how nervous he is. We're here in Miami Beach with Jason Taylor, and this is... Are you ready, Preston? Just go, just go! Three, two, one... (SCREAMS) ARRRRGH! (ALL LAUGH)) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God. That worked perfect! Did I yank you? Oh, fuck, yeah! OK, I went down, I'm upside-down, I see Preston coming... Once he was past me, he pulled me down more. So, like, I slammed... Oh, you were above the water? Yeah, I felt the pressure of the bungee. That was intense. Really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense. (LAUGHTER) What's your name again? Irving. Irving, yeah. Irving Zisman. Hey, can we get some fries, please? Some time today. There you go. Take a sip. That'll put lead in your pencil, kid. You got a light? Ah, shit! Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette? Piss off, man! Is it?! He said, "Piss off!" Jesus! Here, Gramps. Thank you. Don't hog it all, you little prick. (COUGHS) Give me that. This is LA. What? This is LA. Yeah? Don't do what? We don't drink out in public. Well, maybe you should start, bub. Yeah. Where are you guys from? We're from your face. Yeah? (LAUGHS) Mind your own business, asshole! What? Mind your own business... OK, you'd better be quiet, buddy. What are you gonna do?! You wanna step outside? We're already outside, numbnuts! Ha ha ha! He asked me if I wanted to step outside. (LAUGHS) You are from LA, ain't you, boy? Do you want to go around the block? Yeah, we'll go around the block! We'll go around and see your mother! We're surrounded by cocksuckers! Alright, kid, it's time for Grandpa's massage. You get massages with happy endings? That's right. Say goodbye to the hippies. Bye, hippies. Don't get beat up out here. "Beat up out here"? I don't worry about that in LA, not with you skinny sons of bitches! OK, Old Man River. Watch your mouth. I hear a lot of talking! You're letting that bulldog mouth overload that puppy-dog ass! Ha ha ha ha! Look how tough he is. You allow your son to drink? It's my grandson. Like I give a fuck! Wow, now you swear in front of him? What kind of role model are you?! What kind of role model are you? Get the fuck out of here! Step over this line. Just step over. (JEERS) You stepped over the line! I didn't step over a line. You stepped over the line! That long hair don't cover that red neck, boy. Ah, ha ha ha! Piss off! Let's go. Go crawl back in your momma's ass! What the fuck is that?! What the hell is that?! We're sledding! Bam! What the hell are you doing?! Give me a ten! What about my floor?! (CRASH!) (ALL SHOUT / LAUGH) How's your belly feeling, dude? I'm just a diarrhoea machine. Is it like a baby? Is it kicking? It's very similar... No, come on! No. Seriously, I'm not joking. Are you gonna shit? We have a whole wardrobe van! I just wanna not shit my pants. The boys think it's a photo shoot, but we have a shitload of bees to put through the sun roof. And we rigged the locks so they can't get out. Ha! And when they do, we got a couple of marbles for 'em. This is... Last movie, you shit in a damn van, and now you get to shit in a limo. Yeah, you're stepping it up! You're stepping it up, dude! This isn't good. Close that fucking sun roof! Oh, fuck, we're locked in! (ALL SHOUT) # "A Little Less Conversation" - Elvis Presley (ALL CONTINUE TO SHOUT) Oh, my God, that sucks! (SCREAMS) They're fucking stinging my legs! Get the fuck off of me, dude! You're getting them over here! # A little less conversation, a little more action please # All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me # A little more bite, a little less bark # A little less fight, a little more spark # Close your mouth, open up your heart, and, baby, satisfy me # Satisfy me, baby # Satisfy me, baby... # You guys are fucking dicks, man! Fuck. Argh! They're on my feet! Argh! ARRRGH! (LAUGHS) The driver's running around, freaking out. Oh! That's so good! Sorry, bros! I pissed myself. One just got me, right now, as we speak. Look! Fuck. Fuck! That was real funny, fuckers. Is there even a photo shoot? We're here with the Three Six Mafia, and it's time for the rake jump. Do it! (ALL GROAN) What an idiot! I'm gonna pay this motherfucker 200 smackeroos - it's not counterfeit, it's real - to eat horse shit! It's all furry. Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it... (ALL) Go, go, go, go... Really eat it, though. Chew, chew, chew! Put your shades up! Take your shades off... Hold the 200, hold the 200. Come on, soldier! Don't even think about not swallowing! It's so dry! (ALL LAUGH) Don't even think about it! Swallow it! Don't you even think about it! Don't you even think about it! He ain't soft! Swallow it, nigger! Give him a beer, give it to him! Really eat it, though. (CHEERS) I'm watching you! Yes, sir. (RETCHES) Here, man. Dude, your breath smell like shit! (SHOUTING / LAUGHING THROUGHOUT) We're here with Daniel Alvarez from ALS Technologies and, er... Explain what we're gonna be doing. This is the 460 Stingmore Mine. It has approximately 700 45-calibre rubber balls in it. They fly out, 500 feet per second. They use these charges on the outside of embassies to protect the gates from people trying to break in. Looks like it's gonna suck. It is. Fire in the hole! (LOUD BANG) Fuck that, dude! Fucking Christ! That is great! I just... I'm about to, like, have an anxiety attack. I just can't do this one. Dude, Knoxville is in... If Knoxville goes in there, dude,... ..I'll French kiss him. Are you insane? No. All you do is stand there. And get killed! Look at that thing... It's loud. It's gonna hurt really bad, but it's just loud. You're nuts! No, no, no, no, no! Come on, it's footage. You're nuts! (LOUD BANG) Argh! ARRRGH! ARRRGH! Argh! Son of a... Fuck you! ARRGH! Holy shit! All you guys are fucking assholes! You alright, Bam? My God! Are you crying? I think he's hurt. Can we give Bam some water? Maybe a Shirley Temple? I'm a fucking skateboarder, and I'm getting shot. They all went for my stomach. I got hit in the legs worse. Those... Did any get me in the face? You got hit in the stomach pretty good. (LAUGHS WILDLY) That was great! That was! Thanks, fellas. Yeah. Appreciate it. Hey, is this OK? Then we're good. (LAUGHS) Do you like painting models? Yeah, but I don't need models for this type of work. OK. It looks very vaginal and feminine. Well, thank you. And sexual. Thank you. Yes, thank you. It's beautiful. Time to play with these medicine balls. And they're heavy as shit! It's on! In the dark. (ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) # "Karazy" - Chris Pontius # You say you know karate # Well, I know karazy # I'm always rockin' and rollin' # 'cept when I'm too lazy # All night, every night # Well, not all night, but almost every night # All night # All night at a time... # I can't see anything! What did you think? That was fun. Let's never do that again. Ever! Argh! (GROANS) "Three, two, one!" Whoa! Holy... (LAUGHTER) Who'd want to do that?! You're not doing that. Who's going first? What rhymes with Dunn? Fun. (ALL LAUGH) Ready, sailor? No. (LAUGHS) This is dumb. This is gonna be... Oh, my gosh! (ALL GROAN) Oh, my God! Oh, jeez! Get me out of this! You're a fucking dick! That was mean! He needs help... That was so mean! You're an asshole! That was totally not me! I had nothing to do with it. You pulled it down! I didn't! Oh, my hip! I think I gave birth! Hi, I'm John Waters, and this is... We're gonna make Wee Man disappear. (DRUM ROLL) Oh! (CLICKS HEELS) Where'd he go? (LAUGHS) (MUFFLED SHOUTING) Ibbety, boobety, bobbety. (ALL LAUGH) Very nice(!) That's great! (ALL LAUGH) You're the best magician ever, John. Thank you so much. Thank you. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY # "All My Friends Are Dead" - Turbonegro Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm here with Mat Hoffman and Tony Hawk, and this is the Gauntlet. # All my friends are dead # All my friends are dead # You got kicked in the head # All my friends are dead # All my friends are dead # All my friends are dead # You got smacked in the head # All my friends are dead # I always knew that they would end up like today # They bought the bullet and they paid with hand grenades... I just gave him a chest pass! # All my friends are dead # All my friends are dead # You got dragged outta bed, now they're buried and they're dead # I always knew that they would end up like today # They bought the bullets and they paid with hand grenades # Now they're buried and they're dead # Now they're buried and they're DEAD... # (ALL CHEER) This is the toro totter. It's me and Pontius versus Dunn and Bam, and the last man on the toro-totter is the winner. It's gonna be a bloodbath. # "Urban Struggle" - The Vandals Oh, yes! (ALL SHOUT / SCREAM THROUGHOUT) What did I do? What did I do? Dunn, stay there! Why did I agree to do this one? Ryan, run! Ryan, run! My God! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh! Bam, where are you going? I am not doing that! Fuck that! Down to two! I got hit in the back good. (BALLOONS POP) Hey, Knoxville. Oh, shit! Goddamn it! Fucking shit! Fuck! You alright? Yeah. Hold on. The bull's not gonna hold on! (BULL GRUNTS) Oh, my fucking leg! Goddamn, these bulls are strong. (LAUGHTER) Oh, God. I'm not out! Oh, my God! I'm still not out! Alright, that's it. That's it. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha! (LOUD BANG) ARRRGH! Oh, my God! Keep God out of California! Whoo! Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48. Or 49, whatever. God, I landed straight on my head! Oh, man, that hurt! Dude, I'm fucked! I'm Steve-O, and sorry, Dad, but nobody's gonna miss this for the world. This is the buttchug. I hold this while you bulldog it. Get it in there. You really gotta get it in there. I think I'm in. Oh, open wide! Take it! Just relax. I'm staring right down Main Street. It's not any good at all. Oh, shit. There it goes. There it goes. Keep going. Chug! Chug it! Take it all. Oh, yeah! I think your asshole is prehensile. You got it! You got it! ALL CHANT: Chug, chug, chug. You got this. Keep on going. Come on, you almost got it. Two more sips left. He's peeing like a girl! If your asshole can't see the camera, then the camera can't see your asshole. Look at Lance. He can't stop happening. He doesn't know how to face the camera when he's peeing. Oh my God! I think we broke Lance. I think I still have beer in my ass, but I can't get it out. Use the bottle. Put the bottle up your ass. Oh, yeah, the plunger. Yeah, yeah, plunge his asshole. You better shit piss, asswipe. All right, let's go to the bar. Perfect! Ow, fuck! I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is the Rocket Cart. Five, four, three, two, one... Bye-bye! (ALL LAUGH / CHEER) I think I broke my tailbone. Really? On the water...? . Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is the... Oh, fuck! I have on a cup, and that still hurts! (LAUGHS) Argh! (ALL LAUGH) Anacondas are expert at camouflage. They're ambush hunters. They surprise you. I don't know if I'll be that surprised! You got to catch these guys, man, they tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube. (ALL LAUGH) (SNAKE HISSES) Yeah, I know, I know. Don't fucking push me! I'm on... I'm on your team! (SNAKE HISSES) You got him. Argh! Get the other camera on him. (ALL SHOUT) Fuck! Oh, man! Dude, he is bleeding a lot! Yeah. He's starting to smell you guys. Dude, you guys are doing excellent. Real good. You guys got it... Ahhhhh ha ha! You got him! Oh, no, Dunn's getting coiled! Oh, shit. Argh! Get your fucking hands off me! (SNAKE HISSES / ALL SHOUT) Argh! You guys got it, man! You guys have been doing good. Where'd his head go? He's buried. You got him! Yeah! I have seized the snake. Yeah! (SNAKE HISSES / ALL SHOUT) It's fucking wrapped around my arm! (ALL CONTINUE TO SHOUT) Just take him to Manny! Take him to Manny! Hey, Manny, come here a minute. Argh! I got him! Oh, my God, you got nailed! I didn't do anything, he did all the work. Alright. We seized the snake. (HISSING / ALL SHOUT) Run, Ryan, run. (LAUGHS) Oh, shit, we forgot about the other snake. (ALL LAUGH) (EXHALES) Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! This is the ice horse. See if your balls will stick to the horse. Come on! You want me to do it?! It's for the bros. It's not gonna stick. Yeah, it can! You just need a little water. (LAUGHS) Anybody got some water? Ha! Great... Thanks(!) Come on... Don't think about it, just do it. (LAUGHS) You are assholes! God, your legs are white! Here. You've got to get the water on the balls. Oh... (LAUGHS) Oh, man! Oh, that's horrible-looking! Here, hold the water. Oh! (LAUGHS) Argh! (GROANS) Argh, it's yanking my hair! (CONTINUES TO GROAN) Are you done? (LAUGHS) Oh, what an ass! Oh, my God! It ripped my skin off! Oh, look! Look at the blister! Ah ha! Look at him gallop. Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop! (ALL LAUGH) I'm Wee Man, and this is... (CHUCKLES) (ENGINE ROARS) Holy shit, you alright? What? I can't hear, kind of. (ALL LAUGH) "I can't hear, kind of"! You skipped across the water like a rock. Dude, you were at least an 80-mile-an-hour fastball. Oh, God! When you step into this suit, magic happens. (LAUGHS) Whoo! Today, we're in Carmen de Arrico with our friend Serg, and he is going to show us... They're gonna bring over a stallion who's gonna be hot to trot, and they're gonna have the mare here, and as soon as the stallion mounts the mare, we'll grab the stallion's penis and put it into this fake horse vagina. The old switcheroo. (ALL LAUGH) What a mean trick(!) Here we go. Here comes the stallion. He's the craziest look in his eye. I've seen that same look in your eye, Pontius. It's game on... (STALLION WHINNIES) Oh, boy! OK, we got the penis into the fake horsey vagina. I think I feel the tip of it. Somebody cradle the balls. (LAUGHS) (MARE WHINNIES) He lasts longer than you, Steve-O. (ALL LAUGH) Yea-ea-ea-eah! Success! Woo hoo! Oh, my God! He just pleasured a horse! (LAUGHS) Is it OK to drink? (SPEAKS SPANISH) Yeah. No problem! (ALL LAUGH) I do this, this gives me an out for something bad I'll do in the future. Absolutely. It's on video. OK. That is such a huge load. I don't know, man. I could have pictured... Errrr! Argh! Can you test that out? (GASPS) (STEVE-O AND PONTIUS RETCH) That's semen, all right. (ALL CONTINUE TO RETCH) I... I never puke, ever, and I really almost puked then. I'm ashamed of myself... (LAUGHS) I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself. Ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Are you? You won't break through, anyway. Hey-ya! (ALL LAUGH) Argh! Pontius, you think you can do two boards? Yeah. What's Bruce Lee do? That power-breathing. I think I got it. (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) (ALL LAUGH) Oh, ho ho, my God! Oh, ho ho ho, my God! Ho ho! Oh, ho ho! Oh, my God! I was so not ready for that! We're at the Widow-maker and this is... I can't get in. You can. I guarantee you're getting in it. (TAKES DEEP BREATHS) Oh, crap! On your mark,... Fuck! get set, go! You are fucked! Oh, shit! (BOTH SCREAM) (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) (BOTH CONTINUE TO SCREAM) ARRRGH! I'm stuck in here! Dude. We got you, buddy! Argh! Oh, I hate that. I hate it so bad! Fucking sucky! Why do you hate it? I'm bouncing in my fucking head! You got it, Ehren. Here, Ehren. Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass. You got to help! (ALL LAUGH) Oh, fuck! We're in India, and we found a leech healer. These boys need some healing. Doc, can you help us? Yeah, why not? They are having disorders, which are treated by the leech application. Detoxification of their blood, we apply leech for them. If leeches are so great at healing, let's see what they do for my eye. Leech cannot suck blood from that body part if the blood is impure. Jesus Christ! Look over here. Oh, yeah, this is the man. Oh, my God! Here we go. Look this way. Come on! Alright, get him on there. Come on, leech! ARRRGH! (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) He's eyeballing you. I think we... Argh, he's on my eyeball! No, wait, wait! I got to get up! Argh! OK, stand up and keep your eye open. Keep your eye open! Keep your eye open, Steve-O! Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open. Open, toward... No! Keep your eye... What the... Look! Relax, relax. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) ARRRGH! Fuck! Does it look cool? Yeah. It got you about right there. I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. Yes! Way to go! Are these all for sale today? Yeah. $5. Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts. They're beautiful colours. This one's really nice, the, er.. Oh. Oh, shit! Erm... Do you think that... Oh, shit! Erm... I'd like to buy, maybe, the one... Hey, your titty out. What's that? He said your shirt is open. Oh! Put this shirt on? No, your shirt... Your thing is hanging out of your shirt, ma'am. Put your shirt on. Which one was the one you thought I should get? Leave me alone! . Bam is terrified of snakes, so we brought David Weathers here to surprise him. King cobra. (COBRA HISSES) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! It's cool. It's been de-venomised. (LAUGHS) I'm Bam Margera and this is the... Oh, my God! What? (SCREAMS) Bam, cock out. Cock out. No, no, no! No, no! No, no! Ah! A fucking cobra, dude?! Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him staring like that. Oh, dude, you guys are fucking such total dickheads. Are you crying? Yeah! (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, he's on to you. (SCREAMS) I'm done! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Dave, Dave! No, no, no! Dave... (SCREAMS) Yo, that is coolest shit I've seen in long time. White boy don't like snakes. Eh? What's your strategy up there? Staying up on the fucking van, because I don't trust anybody. I should have thought about it more. I was like, "Why the fuck is snake dude in Louisiana?" Then I do my bit, and a king cobra comes into the fucking thing! I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here. (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGH) You fuckers are asses. I don't trust anybody. And you made me waste my beer. (GROANS) Fucking hell! Fuck this! I'm Steve-O, and this is... (ALL LAUGH) (FARTS) (ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God! (CACKLES) I took a fucking shit in it! There's shit in there! I got a shitty ass. I got to wipe it out. That's, like, the perfect poop. I'm Dave England, and this is my big, green ball. (WAILS) (ALL LAUGH) (GROANS) (I need you to put... baby powder in my butt hole.) You need me to put... (Ssh!) Put a lot in there. Yeah, that's great. Argh... (FARTS) (ALL LAUGH) Who was that? (FARTS TWICE) Did it go "poof"? Did it go "poof"? It did? (ALL LAUGH) # "Fuck The Pain Away" - Peaches Sorry. Oh, sorry. # Suckin' on my titties, like you wanted me # Calling me, all the time like Blondie... Do you have these in size 11? # What else is in the teaches of Peaches? # Like sex on the beaches # Huh? What... Let me just see. These are good! # Huh? # Huh? # What? # Right # Uhh... Sir... Leave me alone! You come on in here! Whoa-whoa-oa! Whoa! You go that way, I don't care, dude! Police! # IUD # SIS # Stay in school # cos it's the best # IUD SIS... (CAR HORNS BLAST) # Stay in school cos it's the best # Fuck the pain away # Fuck the pain away # Fuck the pain away # Fuck the pain away # Huh? What? Right, uhh! # What else is in the teaches of Peaches...? # (SHOUTS) Oh, yeah, he's a frisky little bugger! I am so sorry! Oh, my God! It reminded me of my ex-wife! (It's the middle of the night.) (We're gonna wake up Phil and swap him with Preston, and Ape's gonna lose her mind!) (This is...) (FLOORBOARD CREAKS) (It's alright.) (SNORING) (Don't be afraid to get frisky.) (SNIGGERING) I'm gonna kill you in a minute! Phil, back up! Back up! Back up! Oh, my God! What are you doing? (GRUNTS) Are you alright? Jesus Christ. Are you... Are you... (SCREAMS) Phil? Phil? Phil? What are you doing? What are you doing? What? What?! (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God... (THUD) Oh, my God! Who is that?! Who is that?! Who is that?! That's not your dad! Who is that?! Where's the light?! How you doing, ma'am? (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) I went to get a drink. What's going on? Oh, my God! (ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God! Man, I just felt like I was committing assault! Phil, he copped a feel. He got away with it, then. Have you ever been with another man before? Did he feel fatter? (LAUGHS) Did he feel fatter? You can answer, I won't be mad! I just assaulted you! You can say what you want! No, you felt... shorter. No, you can say what you want. You felt that part? (ALL LAUGH) That's it. I'm going to bed now. (SNIGGERING) (RINGS DOORBELL) (LOUD HISSING) (JOHNNY LAUGHS) (DAVE WHEEZES) Oh, Jesus! Oh, fucking shit! Oh, what?! What was that shit? It's fucking in my eyes. Argh! What the fuck was that? (LAUGHS) Oh, my... I fucking don't understand! What the fuck did you do to me?! What the fuck was that?! That fucked me up, man! Let's go inside, man! (CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY) Are you OK? Oh, fuck, dude! Let's get inside, we've a medic inside. # "Thus Spake Zarathustra" - Richard Strauss It's moments like this when you know Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude. (SINGS DRAMATIC TUNE) I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie. (ALL LAUGH) Knoxville's gonna see what the moon's gonna look like. He is gonna go 60 feet up in the air. He's gonna get annihilated. But I don't wanna tell him that. You're gonna be just fine! Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is my... Five, four, three, two, one... Go! (ALL LAUGH) What the fuck was that?! Oh, my God! Holy shit! Oh, my God, he almost died and he's dancing. Usually, rockets fall backwards and forwards, but there was a rocket that came out the side. If it had been, like, right here, that would have been a picture wrap on old Knoxville. (LAUGHS) Now it's rocket launch, take two. I'm scared just watching. I want a Lance helmet. I have full, like, adrenaline. (ALL LAUGH) Even if the rocket doesn't blow up on me this time, there's really not a lot of great ways for it to end, anyway. This isn't the best idea ever. Yes, it is. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon! Five, four, three, two, one... Later! ARRRGH! (ALL SHOUT/CHEER) Are you OK? Give us a thumbs-up! So what's going on, Preston? We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren. We're doing him up like a terrorist, with full make-up and wardrobe, and him and Dimitry are gonna call a cab, the idea being to play a prank on the taxi driver, that they wanna go to the airport, I guess to commit some terrorist act. So, Ehren, where are you going? I'm going to Burbank Airport. We've substituted the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar, and he's going to punch Ehren in the face, possibly pull a gun on him. If he tries to say... We're filming, just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!" You can slap him a lot, too. (ALL LAUGH) I don't know how he'll handle this. It's pretty high-pressure. I don't think he does well under pressure. So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. And I hope he knows that I skipped showering for a week and a half, just to make this a little bit more gross. Sorry, Ehren. Look at the mane on him! (ALL LAUGH) Someone's got to pick that out of their teeth. (ALL LAUGH) I'd be so bummed if I was Ehren right now. You put powder on that? I put Gold Bond on. (LAUGHS) Tickles! One of the most toxic concoctions known to man. It's a disease nest! Mine, you don't need a lot of. It's like just a little bit of rattlesnake venom will get you. Wait. Mike, is that a crab? No! What's that white speck on top? What is that? That's a crab, dude! (ALL LAUGH) Mike's got crabs. Hey, guys! Guys, Mike's got crabs! What's that? Spirit gum, the adhesive that's gonna keep the beard on. How's the dialogue? I mean, I've never, like, done this before. Compliment him, followed by an insult. This is fucked, dude! Just don't break the character! Ehren, you cannot tell him you're from any country in particular. Close your mouth. Relax. We're making you look the way this guy expects terrorists to look like. You're not making fun of anybody. We're trying to scare the driver. (IN MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENTS) Hello, Father. You shut up! I'm sorry, Father. You are late, you cannot be accepted! Where have you been, you little bastard? I have been making a number two. Oh! Ehren, you are king! Thank you very much! (PRESTON AND BAM LAUGH) What are you laughing at, you people, you? Bam Margera and shit. Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff. Hello! Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. I look creepy, man! I wish that I was born this way. Don't turn it into a comedy routine. No, very good. I know what to do now. So, we have two cameras following... Excuse me. Hello? I'd like to say, for not ever having done make-up before this, I feel like I've achieved something. I feel like I'm eating... pubes now. (LAUGHS) I got this shit all in my mouth. On the corner? It's like I'm chewing on this shit. Is this real hair? No. Go like this. I'm gonna get it out of your mouth. OK, does that feel better? I still got it on the back of my tongue. There. Out? Yeah, very good. Thanks. Very expert. Thank you. Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey, and this is... (CHANTS) Now, I shall call to taxi. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the best skit of this movie. (EHREN CONTINUES TO CHANT) (HOLLERS) . The cab's here. We're on. We're on. Let's do it. He has no clue! (EHREN CHANTS) We get to listen the whole time? I'm so glad I hopped in this van! (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God! He's feeling the part so hard, and he has no clue. It's all downhill from here. (INDISTINCT VOICE ON CAB RADIO) (IN MIDDLE-EASTERN ACCENT) To the Burbank Airport, please. OK. Where are you guys from? None of your business, I'm sorry. You got any luggage or... No. No luggage where we going. I do not like this country very much, though. I like the countryside, though. The countryside is good. And the breasts. Yeah, I'm married. What size is your wife's breasts? Let's just leave my wife out of it, OK? Very good, very good. Are they bigger than a D? I love D's! Do you want me to fucking pull over? No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk. (AEROPLANE PASSES OVERHEAD) There's an airplane, there! We are very, very close. Boom! We are very, very close. What does that mean, "Boom"? Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!" And all that. There is the airport back there. Where are you going?! Where are you going, man? Hey! Do not go down alleyway, very scary! Stop it! Fuck you! Fuck you! You are a crazy man! Fuck you up! Fuck you! Asshole! Shit fucker! Shit fucker! Asshole! Fucking money! I give you money, lots of money! Boom! Boom! Boom! I'll blow us up right now! Right now! I'll blow you up! (NORMAL ACCENT) What the fuck is up, man?! He's got a fucking gun, man! I got a bomb, dude! Fuck you! Argh! I got a bomb, dude! Get the fuck... Dude, get the fuck off of me! Hey, hey. Get the fuck off of me! It's... We're just filming a skit! Get the fuck off of me! I got a... (BOTH LAUGH) What do you want me to do?! Get on the floor! Just get on the floor, dude! Lay down! This is fucked! On your face! What the fuck, dude?! Come on! I fucking knew it, dude. He fucking carries a gun. This is bullshit! Just do what the fuck he says, dude! (ALL LAUGH) (JAY) Stay there, I'm gonna fucking call the cops. This guy's got a fucking gun, dumbshits! Get the fuck out here! Don't fucking move! Don't point the gun at me anymore... Then lay down! Fuck! Just fucking relax, dude! Fuck, it's a gun, dude! Fuck! Get up! Get up, Ehren! Get the fuck up! Why?! Why should I get up?! You have me on the fucking ground! He has a fucking gun! Just get up, we gotta get the fuck out of here! Get in there! No, fuck you! Get the fuck in the trunk! He's got a fucking gun pointed at me! Fuckface, asshole, cocksucker! If you fuck me up, I will fucking find you... Just get in. Seriously! Why am I getting in the fucking back of this fucking cab, dude? Get the fuck back here! Just fucking put the gun down! You shut the fuck up! (BANGS TRUNK) Oh, fuck, dude! Holy shit! What the fuck, dude?! Get the fuck on the ground! I'm fucking serious! I'm... I'm bleeding. Yo! Dude, we're filming. Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here! (EHREN) That's Bam Margera, dumbshit! He's famous! Look, there's cameras, a sound guy. We're filming a fucking movie, dude! This guy's got a dynamite vest on! (ALL SHOUT/EHREN BANGS ON TRUNK) Hey, put the gun down, dude! (SHOUTING/BANGING CONTINUES) Oh, he shot me! Preston, you fucking idiot, get me the fuck out of here! Fuck this! (STARTS ENGINE) Fuck! Sir, please! Stop! What the fuck? Oh! Dude, get me out of here! Oh, shit! (TYRES SCREECH) Oh, shit! Oh, God, no! Oh, fuck, I'm gonna fucking die. Why the fuck did I agree to do this shit? Dude, it wasn't even my idea! (SNIGGERING) Fucking fuck! (ALL LAUGH) Oh, my God, dude! I can't believe that shit, dude! Are you an actor or some bullshit? Come on. Fucking crap, dude! (ALL LAUGH) I almost shit my pants, I'm not even kidding! Dude, that was so awesome! It was perfect. Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy right now. Seriously. Oh, my God! I was so worried. Fuck! I get it, it's a prank on a prank. Ha ha ha(!) He pulled a gun on me! Look where your beard came from. Look, look! I'll show you! Look at my patch! That's all our pubes! You should try and get that off. You'll find that super-glued on. Oh, my God, dude, that sucks! Every time, it gets fucking worse! Oh, you guys didn't fucking super-glue that? Fucking shit! No! I told you that... That sucks! I told you not to do that! Ehren, come on! Why you mad at me?! I got your dick hair all over my fucking face! This sucks, dude! Give me something to get this shit off. This shit was in my mouth! How you gonna explain the crabs? This shit was all over my fucking mouth! It wasn't from my dick, some of it was from my ass. (LAUGHS) Oh, God, this is so bad! Look at this. This is from Derek. "OK, who brought crabs to the party? Fuck me!" (LAUGHS) (RETCHES) One of the guys had crabs! Oh, my God! Seriously, like,... was the dick hair necessary? Absolutely! Like, was that the big payoff? Like, "Ha ha, dick hairs glued on his face"? Is it itching? It's in my mouth! Why'd you put it in your mouth?! I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is... (ALL LAUGH) # The best of times is now # What's left of summer but a faded rose? # The best of times is now # As for tomorrow, well, who knows? (ALL LAUGH) # Who knows? # (ALL SHOUT/LAUGH) Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! # The best of times is now # What's left of summer but a faded rose? # The best of times is now # As for tomorrow, well, who knows? Who knows? Who knows? # So hold this moment fast # And live and love as hard as you know how # And make this moment last # Because the best of times is now... # Is now, is now Oh, fuck! # Now... # Not some forgotten yesterday... # Now... # Tomorrow is too far away... ARRRGH! # So hold this moment fast # And live and love as hard as you know how # And make this moment last # Because the best of times is now... ARRRGH! # So hold this moment fast # And live and love as hard as you know how # And make this moment last... ARRRGH! # Because the best of times is now # Is now # Is now # Is now # Is NOW! # Argh! (SPLUTTERS) I'll Jackass Two your ass. Do me a favour! And you wonder why I drink? I drink to steady my nerves. I was so steady, I couldn't move last week! I had vodka and prune juice. It's called a pile-driver. I'll be OK! Please, God, don't let there be a Jackass Three. (ALL LAUGH) Please, God, don't let there be a Jackass Three. I don't even like doing Two! Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to India! (ALL LAUGH) Can I get off his dick? # "Gettin' Fucked Up" - Three Six Mafia # Sometimes I feel like I'm flyin' # Sometimes I feel like I'm dyin' # Maybe the world is against me # Maybe the world thinks I'm crazy # Sometimes I feel like I'm losing # Sometimes I feel like I'm... # Maybe the world is against me # Maybe the world is a... # LIE! # We gettin' fucked up... # We gettin' fucked up... # I'm wild as hell # Straight up out the hood I bail # I'm a crazy motherfucker but I do it well # Sometimes I can't even believe I'm still alive # Stayin' fly, I can't drive 55... Way to go, "honey"! # ..I got a cigar rolled tight # I'm a stunt man sippin' on syrup and sprite # I got that act right medicine from my doc # Lorritab ten milligrams that I pop # Walk up in the club like a thug, get your ass kicked # Step off in the parking lot and leave in a casket # Acting like a scary coward, giggling and laughing # Let me hit the purple kush, hurry up and pass it # Yeah, they call me Juicy J, a Three Six Mafia bandit # Got to ride on twenty fours and something with a candy # Ounce of green and a fifth of liquor brandy # A AK-47, on my lap I keep it handy # We're gettin' fucked up... (BABBLES) # I'm the wildest, the wildest one # A mask on my face, in my lap's a gun # In the back seat, bringing in heat to your avenue # Dump on ya first, that's what Project Pat'd do... # I don't like this at all! Argh! Argh! Sorry, bro. I didn't see you there. I was headed over to Produce. You knocked out my tooth again! Look at Rick! (LAUGHS) He fucking swallowed it?! Horse cum! (LAUGHS) I'm not getting paid to be on camera, you fucking dick! # Back off misfits # You cannot eat this kind of love # Back off misfits # You shall not teach this kind of love... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what have you got? (LAUGHS) # Back off misfits # You cannot teach this kind of love # Back off misfits # You cannot eat this kind of love # We're back, back, back on up # We're back, back, back on up # We're back, back, back, back, oww! # Argh! (LAUGHS) Just act like it hurts, OK? Argh! (ALL LAUGH) Wow, I actually feel energized after that. (LAUGHS) Oh my God, look! Point it at the cameraman! (CAMERAMAN RETCHES) (ALL SHOUT) Into the sink! In the sink, in the sink... In the sink! Are you lubed up? Yeah! Hey, they're ready to go. You want to shoot it? # Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it # Sometimes I wished I could walk away # Sometimes I don't know... You alright, buddy? I'm alright, man. (ALL CHEER) # Got a guitar and a heart that's been broken... Water-based lubricants. Friend or foe? You be the judge. Whoa! # Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it # Sometimes I wished I could walk away... OK, I can't breathe! # Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it through # Hell, you know I'm gonna do it anyway # Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it... Can you take it off, please? # Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it... # Well, you know we're gonna do it anyway... # Oh, is this your fruit? No. Oh, these are beautiful! They're so round and... lush. How much is the oranges? $6. OK! I accidentally cut myself. I need a doctor, dude. Doctor! (LAUGHS) We're supposed to catch these? Yeah! You are fucking kidding?! Oh, God! # We're gettin' nowhere # Quick as we know how # We whirl from town to town # Treatment... bound... (RATTLING) (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGH) Argh! (ALL LAUGH) Don't do that. The snake is attracted to the heat. Yeah, we got to get the mousey warm for the snake. But not too warm! Look at his face. He has a big raspberry. A couple of 'em. # ..and we don't give a shit # Cos we're getting no place # As fast as we can # We get a noseful # From our so-called friends # We're getting no place # Quick as we know how # We're getting nowhere # What will we do now? # ARRRGH! Shit! That's fucked him up. What the fuck happened?! Medic! Medic! Stay clear guys... (BELL RINGS) Someone said cut. What's up, Bam? I hate the fact... that I had to fucking... hang out with alligators and fucking cobras. I have dicks branded on my ass. Everything fucking sucks! (LAUGHS) Like,... everybody's just f-ing with me today, at my... (LAUGHS) And my Misfits sock... It's not even funny anymore. I want to go home. IMS Subtitles Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015