ALL: Sexy cops. SIREN WAILS Freeze. Hands in the air. Drop your towels. We had a little tip-off that someone here was in possession of illegal firearms. You got a licence for these guns? Police! Remain calm. Wait, are you guys extras? We're the police, ma'am. The real police. Oh` Oh, we` No, we were just doing a sketch. We were impersonating you. Is that illegal? Are we in trouble? Yeah, yeah, these aren't real uniforms. These are stripper uniforms. See? OK. We're here for her. Kim Crossman, I'm placing you under arrest for breaking and entering and theft. Wh`? No, no, no, this must be a mistake. Kim would never do anything like that. No, I` No, I'm gonna ring Pauline. Where's my phone? Wanna check if it was in your pants? No. < She's gonna hear about this. It'll be fine, Kim. Here you go. Thank you very much. Thank you. I just got that. She` Mm. OK. Take her away, boys. Come on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Ow! Get your hands off me, pigs. Ow! Come on. You could grab me tighter. Can I put my shirt back on now? BOTH: No. # Funny Girls! ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny, what?! # Copyright Able 2016 He is such an arsehole. Like, obviously, something was wrong, because I was doing those loud exhales ` you know, when you're in bed and you're, like, pretending you're asleep? Anyway, um, yeah, I'll call you back. OK. Georgie. We are so super stoked to have you on board. Um, I just really wanted to go over some, like, specific sales techniques that we have here. Oh my God, like, fire away, because I am such a fast learner. (CHUCKLES) That's good. Well, first of all, tomorrow you'll need to dress better. Yeah, I mean, what you've got on is cute. Thank you. What I was s'posed to say is that it isn't cute. Yeah, but we do have a staff rack, actually, out back, and it's full of all these expensive, beautiful, amazing clothes, that customers will really want to buy, but they're not actually available in store, so it kinda messes with their head, which is, you know, kind of the whole vibe that we're going with. I'm just not sure if we have anything in your size. But, anyway, another thing ` so, here, we really go out of our way to make sure that our customers feel, like, as insecure as possible. So if someone has a question, the best thing to do is just kind of zone out and really ignore them. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Excuse me, do you have this in a size 10? Sorry, do you have this in a size 10? I'll just try fit into this. Thanks. See? And it works, like, every time. Another thing that you can do is actually, like, approach the person and be, like, 'Hey, hon. How are you doing?' And you can kinda stand back and just, like, look them up and down from, like, head to toe, judging them and, like, the decisions that they've made in life. Yeah, it's taking me a while, though, because I guess, for me, though, I really try and focus in on problem areas, and it's just, like, you have so many; that's why it takes so long. It just makes me feel very sad. Yeah, it makes me feel really good, though. Another thing that we have ` when you go in the changing rooms, the mirrors there are actually funhouse mirrors that we got from an abandoned circus. Oh, sweetie, it looks like you might need a bigger size. Maybe two sizes bigger. (CHUCKLES) Oh, see, and what we've done there is we've cut off the curtain, because public shaming is not only super popular, it also helps with an upsale. I'll probably get at least a beach towel out of her for this. (CHUCKLES) So, one other thing that I really like to do if somebody's card declines is actually turn all the music in the store right down, just like that. And then you go, 'I'm so sorry, but your card declined.' No, my` No, that wasn't me. I work here! So... Well, (CHUCKLES) it's just a trial. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. BELL RINGS Oh, look at that. That's good timing. Um, so I'm gonna leave you to your own devices now with this customer. Good luck, and remember everything that I taught you. Good luck! (CHUCKLES) OK. CHUCKLES: Hi. (WHEEZES, LAUGHS) Do I have the job? Yeah, you totally got the job. Ow. PLODDING MUSIC Oh, I` I cannot believe Kim is a criminal. It's crazy. Out of all of us, I would've thought it was gonna be Brynley. It is. The flip?! Are you OK? No, no. I` I can't find my brushes. Do not tell Pauline, though, guys. I don't want the curse. The curse? Yeah, you know ` no make-up artist has ever lasted more than a week here, and then after that, they don't wanna do make-up ever again. God. (CHUCKLES) Hope that's not cos of us, eh? It wouldn't b... I had them yesterday when I was doing Kim. Ah, that'll be why y` I'm so sorry, you will not be getting those brushes back. Right, team. Code red. This is not good. The blokes upstairs wanna talk to everyone, so no more secrets, OK? Why did nobody tell me we had a thief in our midst? Well, she didn't exactly tell us she was a thief. Oh. Yeah, of course. She's good. # Ah! Yeah! # Ah! Ah! Ah! # Yeah! # Ladies, are you sick of make-up products that take up valuable time and space? Well, throw away those pesky individual make-up items. HARP TINKLES And get the One Slap Make-up Mask. Now with just one slap,... SLAP! you get it all! And now I have time for what I really love ` my children. (CHUCKLES) Mummy loves you. (LAUGHS) Don't waste another minute on make-up. With the One Slap Make-up Mask, slapping on your new look is simple. It's so easy even your friends can help apply it. What, this is the girl that's been sleeping with my boyfriend? SLAP! Sure am. What the fuck is going on here? With just one slap, you get foundation, contouring, highlighter, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. Love yourself. Love yourself. Now my husband really does notice me. Jesus fucking Christ! Oh my God. What the hell is that, honey? You look like a beaten-up clown. (EXHALES) SLAP! Slap on that beauty with the One Slap Make-up Mask. Love yourself. Freeze. Hands in the air. Drop your towels. # Ah! Yeah! # Ah! Ah! Ah! # Yeah! # (GRUNTS) And so it's really important that when you're putting the wet mixture into the dry mixture, it's very steady and slow, because otherwise` (THUMPS TABLE) Rose. Stop talking. OK, a known criminal somehow got a job on your show and then stole my favourite mug. I'm down to my back-up mug. And it` it's just... It's just not as good. So we're screening everyone for criminal convictions, and I want you to be honest with us. Oh` No. You are` (CHUCKLES) You are safe with me. I am (SINGS) conviction free! (CHUCKLES) Ap-Apart from when I` sometimes when I put cashews through in the self-checkout, I do it under peanuts. But, um, ev` everyone does that. I once bought a sausage from a sausage sizzle, and I needed the money for parking, so I took back the gold coin donation and I still ate the sausage. I didn't mean to drop the brick on the guinea pig. No. Crimes! EMOTIONALLY: I was just holding it, and it fell on it, and it died. Sometimes avocados drop from the neighbour's tree on my side of the fence, and I just take them. I don't live by any rules, except for when I'm at a pool. Cos those are important. I ate Rose's lunch and blamed it on Laura. Whoo-hoo! This feels good. (CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) I feel` I feel free. CHEERING It's... Is It Official? Yes, folks, the show where we give you a little tissue to wipe up those commitment issues. Let's meet the contestants. He's 27-year-old bassist from local covers band ` it's... Derek! No songs from after 1960. (LAUGHS) Next up, we have 22-year-old marketing student ` it's... Karen! I have a very rare blood type, and there are no known donors. Yay! (LAUGHS) Now, remember, contestants, we are gonna show you a couple, and you need to work out whether their relationship is official... or not. Let's meet the first couple. They have a rule she's only allowed to stay over one night a week. But she's on his flat cleaning roster. BUZZER Ooh! Uh, it is official, but she's gonna break up with him on Christmas Day. AUDIENCE GASPS That is correct. More like 'Hark! The Herald Angel's Single' for those two. AUDIENCE LAUGHS Next up ` they like to hold hands at the movies, but he lets go as soon as the lights come up. BUZZER Uh, Sue, I'd like to play my Ask Card. Of course, Derek. What movie were they seeing? The new Hunger Games. Oh. Then it's not official, he was just too embarrassed to go by himself. AUDIENCE GASPS That is correct. Sorry, you two. Looks like the odds were never in your favour. AUDIENCE: Aww. All right. Last couple. He wrote and recorded a song for her for Valentine's Day. AUDIENCE: Aww. Aww. But she hasn't even bothered to listen to it yet. AUDIENCE: Ooh. Ooh, this is a hard one. Um, Sue, can we see the couple? Certainly. So, Karen, is it official or not? Yes, Karen, are you serious about my son or not? AUDIENCE GASPS That's right. I'm his mother. (CHUCKLES) Love you, Mum. Love you too, darling. By the way, thanks for finally bothering to meet me. No, I just` Before you say anything, Karen, this audience is made up entirely of his aunts and uncles! Can we`? Can we talk about this after the show? AUDIENCE BOOS Ooh, don't` I don't think so. Uh, n` OK, it's` it's official! Really? (WHOOPS) Yes! Congratulations! You win! Stay tuned, folks, because we've got another game show coming straight up ` Set The Date. What? CHANTS: Set The Date. Set The Date. No. ALL CHANT: Set The Date. Set The Date. Set The Date. Set The Date! Set The`! Come on, all my uncles are watching. Come on. So there's the foot, and... there's the head. Ooh. Do you want to know if it's a hottie or a nottie? Yes, please. It's a nottie. I'm sorry. It's OK. We'll still love it anyway. GIGGLING (GIGGLES) Oh... Wait! What's wrong? Nothing. It's just... I've never done this before. It's my first time. Oh. That's OK. We don't have to. No. I want to. Show me. (GIGGLES) BOTH GIGGLE < BOTH: Ooh! You OK? Yeah, I'm OK. Heh. More than OK. (CHUCKLES) Tea? What's wrong? Nothing. It's just... I've never done this before. Done`? Done what? D-Drink tea? It's my first time. I can make you something else. No. I want to. Show me. Yeah. OK. You just, um... just drink it, like this. Ow, my mouth. Are you OK? I'm OK. More than OK. Heh. So what do we do now? OK. Goodnight. Goodnight. Now what? Oh, nothing. It's just... I've never done this before. It's my first time. First time? Real`? Really? It's your first time going to sleep? It's so embarrassing. No, it's not embarrassing. It's just kind of... impossible. I should leave. No. No, no, no, it's` it's fine. It's fine. Look, you just lie back. Yeah, yeah, good. Then you` you close your eyes like this ` see? And then you just go to sleep. GIGGLES: I am so silly. (CHUCKLES) No, you're not silly. I just can't fathom how you've never` Ah, it doesn't matter. I have to pee. Oh, so do it. But` How? How have you never peed? I trust you. I want you to show me. Show me how to pee! No, get outta here! Out. (SIGHS) THUD! Oh Jesus. Sorry. PHONE RINGS WHISPERS: Hey. No. No, no, no, I'm outside. Yeah. I'm not staying the night. No, he totally fell for it. Completely. Bye. OK. (CHUCKLES) Such a dumb-arse. THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY Freeze. Hands in the air. Drop your towels. # Ah! Yeah! # Ah! Ah! Ah! # Yeah! # SUSPENFUL MUSIC (CLICKS TONGUE, EXHALES) OK. Well, I think we can get this cleared up pretty quickly. Check my record. You'll see that I have six tiny road rage incidents. And, yes, in 1994, I got drunk, and I stole the Pauline Ave sign, for reasons which I think are fairly obvious. Pauline, I just wanted to say thank you for hiring Kim. What? We've had thousands of hits on our Facebook page. We are trending on Twitter. We're expecting huge ratings on the next episode. Oh, w` well, I mean, it wasn't just me. I mean, I've got my wonderful team that are working behind me. They're not the ones who hired a wanted criminal, Pauline. That was all you. And it was so brave. Thank you. Well, you're welcome. And it was all part of my grand plan. I'm just so happy that you guys are prepared to support me on this. Uh` Ooh. No` Uh, I mean, no, no, obviously, we have to fire you. I'm sorry? Pauline, you know our rules. One, everyone gets a chance. Two, one strike, you're out. We're really sorry, Pauline. OK. Well, you promise me this, OK? Yargh. You take care of my girls. WHISPERS: What the hell? Because if you don't, I'm gonna be adding four more road rage incidents to my rap sheet. Because I'll be running you over with my car. Yeah, we got it. I didn't get it. She was gonna run us... I've not been paying any attention, sorry. Oh, right. She` Earlier, she said something about road rage. She was` Something about road rage. And then she was, yeah, kind of referencing... LIVELY MUSIC FEEDBACK WHINES (LAUGHS) Those were some very sassy puppets. Right, listen up, troops. The war's been tough. If I'd have known it was gonna be this tough, I probably wouldn't have come. We all miss our wives and girlfriends. I think we deserve a bit of a feminine presence. What do you say?! CHEERING OK, well, please put your hands together and go crazy for your next act, The Wartime Gals! CHEERING, HOOTING (CHUCKLES) All that clapping for little old us? Well, my name is Judy. I'm Betty. And I'm little Meg. And we're here to do just one thing. ALL: Sing! Hit it! CHEERING LIVELY SWING MUSIC ALL SING: # Well, we're just three wholesome country girls, # and we've been shipped right across the world. # We got on a plane, # and you boys know just why we came. # We'll make your willy stiff when we do our thing. # We're gonna give you a boner then get out of here. # Give you a boner then get out of here. # We're not staying here where you can... # ...have a glance... # ...and pitch a new tent right... # ...in your pants. # We are three cute dolls # who give you boys all blue, blue balls. # So we say hello and then we go, go, go. # We're gonna give you a boner then get out of here. # We'll give you a boner then get out of here. INSTRUMENTAL, MEN CHEER (WHISTLES) # Rooty tooty tooty tooty toot-toot-toot. # We have come from a distant land # to give you something you can tuck in your waistband. # You are gonna throb # while we're back home all taking your jobs. # We gotta leave quite quick. We'll say bye to your dicks. # We're gonna give you a boner then get out of here. # We just gave you a boner. # Now we're out of here! # Bye-bye, your boner! # BOOM! SIREN WAILS See ya later, boys! CHEERING Lads, lads, we're under attack! Everybody outside now! Yeah, can we just have, like, five or so minutes just to stay sitting? What? No! We're being destroyed out there! Come on, let's go, let's go! Move, soldiers! Go, go, go, go, go! Stand up straight! The hell is wrong with you? Marge and I have started a walking club. Ooh, that sounds wonderful. What do you do? W-W` We just go walking, really. Oh. Well, I'd love to join you two. Maybe. Oh, there you are, love. Leading tonight's news ` Sarah Finkelstein. You remember Sarah. You used to play with her daughter Marcia when you were 7. She has run off to Fiji with her yoga instructor. Her family is devastated. Absolutely tragic. I always said that she was trouble. And now some technology news. Are the computers doing that thing again? I can't get on to Facebook to upload the photos of your brother's graduation. I never have any trouble with my computer. Jessica set mine up over Christmas, and now it works like a dream. And now to Karen with the weather. And the forecast is for sunshine. Although, best to take your brolly, cos you never know. So true. You never know. Sometimes it just rains, doesn't it? BOTH LAUGH Ooh, and there have been no reports of tornadoes, floods or fires of any kind. So I really don't understand why you haven't been able to call your mother these last three weeks. Thanks, Karen. My daughter rings me every Sunday. Really? She must not be as busy as my Jessica. And now with sport, here's your father. (SNORTS) Oh. Is it dinner time? NOSTALGIC MUSIC Well, girls,... I'm afraid you won't be seeing much more of me. I have been fired. What? Pauline? Oh my God. I knew it. I am magical. I've known it all along. Yes, I did it. I broke the curse. Yes! SHRIEKS: Whoo-hoo! Super good news! Bye! SHRIEKS IN DISTANCE: Whoo-hoo! Well, I'm glad to see some of you look disappointed. I can't believe this. This is awful. It's OK. Come here. Come on. (GASPS) No, no, sorry. S` I-I don't hug people. But... I can't believe this. Well, I'm gonna miss each and every one of you. Rose. Laura. Bronwyn. Brynley. White paper cup guy. Beanie. Beardie. Grey-hooded girl. I'll never forget you guys. This sucks. This absolutely sucks. Yeah, it does suck. Fuck it. You know what? Let's drink the props. Fuck yeah, let's drink the props! (LAUGHS) Yes. Ha ha! Yes! Hey-hey! Yes. You`? You guys seen the corkscrew? Oh. Um... SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC DOOR CLANGS Captions by Ashlee Scholefield. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 Thanks to your funding, NZ On Air, we didn't have to resort to stealing.