What am I doing? I'm never out this late at night. Um, it's only 7.30. Oh no, I'm gonna miss Hottest Tween Model. I should go home. No, no, you're not going home. This is gonna be fun. And I'm already taping it on VHS, just like you like. Well, the quality's better. Um, it's definitely not. It is. UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Go on, mate. Come on, ya big wuss. Care to dance, my lady? Oh! No. No. No. No. No. No. See? We called it a no. We called it a no. Back up, back up, back up. Almost a yes. Yeah, I know. I know. Next time. This is a disaster. They're completely blocking the snacks. It's not even Hawaiian-themed. They just all came dressed like that. Right, well, Pauline isn't here, so I probably should give a speech, yeah? Um, I believe it was Anna Nicole Smith that once said that` Aloha. Aloha. Uh, greetings, cast and crew of Funniest Home Girls. I just wanna say congratulations on a passable season. Now, uh, my colleagues will tell you that I am not one for long speeches. ALL LAUGH LOUDLY The show's been cancelled. Goodbye. AUDIO FEEDBACK I did not mean to drop that microphone. Oh. ELECTRONIC MUSIC # Funny Girls! # Funny, what? # Funny Girls! # Are you OK? Nah, I've been getting some really bad period pain recently. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, it's been a lot heavier than normal and I just have no idea why. DISTANT SIRENS WAIL Are you gonna go to the doctor, or`? Nah. I was considering it, cos normally I'm, like, quite light. But it's been quite intense and I'm just not used to it cos normally my period's quite regular. Ladies! Everything under control? Um, yeah. We didn't call the cops or anything. Yeah, we know, love. We received reports that someone in the vicinity was discussing their p-p-p-period... period. Their period? Bingo. Yep. You're coming with me, young girlie. What, why?! I don't even have my period. What?! Pig. ELECTRONIC MUSIC Here's to 10 years since high school and still being best friends. Aw, selfie. Hey, bitch! Ha! Um, scuse me? I hate being photobombed. Do not upload that to Facebook. Ah, of course not. I don't need some basic ruining my new profile picture. Yeah, totally. Let's take another one. Retake! EERIE MUSIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES (GASPS) What's going on, honey? I need to call Chelsea. CAMERA CLICKS JARRING MUSIC ECHOES: Hey, bitch. She's not picking up. What are you looking at? Some of my favourite memories of our love. What's that? That... is the happiest day of my life. (GASPS) Honey? Honey? Honey? Honey? DRAMATIC MUSIC HAUNTING MUSIC ECHOES: Hey, bitch. ECHOES: Heeey, bitch... No. No, it can't be. No! (GASPS) And I was like, 'Hey, bitch.' And then I was like, 'Hey bitch...' And then I was like, 'Hey bitch.' And then I, like, pashed this guy and I was like, 'Whatever.' And then I saw some other sluts and I took some more photos. I was like, 'Hey, bitch.' And I was like, 'Yes!' OMG, I think you're my funniest friend. Shall we go out and ruin more people's nights? Um, yas, bitch. Yaaas. BOTH LAUGH Hey, bitch. RADIO STATIC ECHOES: Hey, bitch... ELECTRONIC MUSIC WHIMSICAL MUSIC SPLASH You're welcome. Cost me $5. ELECTRONIC MUSIC SPANISH GUITAR MUSIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY Hi. Yes, um... I was just wondering if you had any of (WHISPERS) the ECP. Sorry, the what? (MOUTHS) You're not saying anything. You know the thing you take after you've been out all night and, like, done some stuff with someone, and in the morning, you're like, 'Ah, what do we do? I don't even know you.' The emergency contraceptive pill? Yes. Yes, that one. I'll just check with our pharmacist. Kevin? Yes? This young lady would like the ECP. The what? The ECP. Speak up. The emergency contraceptive pill. Oh, yeah. The whoopsy-daisy tablet. The baby blocker. Uh... Oh, the embryo eater. (MUMBLES) That was a good one. That's the one. Did she use protection last night? Bareback. OK. Bareback... KEYBOARD CLICKS What was that, Dad? I'm sorry. It's 'bring your kid to work' day. The emergency contraceptive pill is what adults take to prevent themselves from having a child ` like you. Miss Daniel? Are you here to mark me on my school project? Um, no, Kimberly. I'm not your teacher today. Oh. Look, I was just hoping I could just get this and go. Not be a big deal. Oh, Principal Heather. Sister Evelyn. Mum. Mean girls from my high school that now all have really good jobs in marketing. Gosh, I'm sorry, Laura. We're actually all out of the emergency contraceptive pill. Are you sure that you used zero protection last night? ALL HUM DISAPPROVINGLY You know what? I'll just be going. I'll just be going. Thank you... No one's going anywhere. Hands on your heads. Get down on the ground. You ` give me everything in the cash register. And I'm also gonna need the, um,... (WHISPERS) ECP. Sorry, the what? WHISPERS: The ECP. Still not saying anything. WHISPERS LOUDLY: The ECP. Um, they're all out. What? How do you know? Right, no, Laura was trying to buy one cos she didn't make her drunken lay bag up last night. Dude. Aren't you supposed to have, like, some confidentiality or something? No. Oh, you're thinking of doctors. No, I do what I want. Why has no one given this girl the (MOUTHS). Do you mean the emergency contraceptive pill? You girls know that's not embarrassing, right? If anything, it's very responsible. GUN CLICKS I'll stop talking. Get comfy. Cos we're not going anywhere until me and my best mate ` is it Laura? WHISPERS: Yup. Laura ` get what we came for. WHISPERS: The ECP. ELECTRONIC MUSIC UPBEAT CLASSICAL MUSIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Looky, looky what I stole from the bar. You do know that drinks are free, right? Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course. This sucks. I'm gonna have to go back to nannying. I'm gonna have to go back to being unemployed. I'm gonna have to keep being an undercover cop. I mean regular cop. Your show's been cancelled. Um, thanks. We know. I know how you feel. My axolotls died because I tried to post them in the mail. I'm sorry... No, you're not. Hey, where's Rose? Rose, you have not made a mistake. You don't need to shake. (MUMBLES) You have not made a mistake. You'll never regret this. What did he want? I` I didn't know what he was saying. My mouth was full, so I couldn't even hear him. (LAUGHS) That's not how that works. Darling, I've asked them to put on some Smash Mouth if you wanna boogie. Oh, um, sorry about the show. It's just numbers. But I think you're all really gonna enjoy NZ's Hottest Tween Model. At least one of you gets to keep a job. Job? Are you hosting Hottest Tween Model? I can't hear you. I can't hear you through the food. Sorry. (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY # Oh, yeah. # Oh, oh, oh, yeah. # Funny Girls! # CLASSICAL MUSIC ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS # Listen up, y'all, 'cause this is it. # The beat that I'm banging is delicious. # Fergalicious, definition: make them boys go loco. # They want my treasure, so they get their pleasures from my photo. # You can see me. You can't squeeze me. I ain't easy. I ain't sleazy. # I got reasons why I tease, and boys just come and go like seasons. Fergalicious. # So delicious. But I ain't promiscuous. # And if you were suspicious, all that shit is fictitious. I blow kisses. # That puts them boys on rock-rock, # and they be lining down the block # just to watch what I got. # So delicious. # It's hot-hot. So delicious. # I put them boys on rock-rock. # So delicious. # They want a slice of what I got. I'm Fergalicious. # T-T-T-T-T-Tasty, tasty. # Fergalicious def. # Fergalicious def. # Fergalicious def, def, def, def... # Fergalicious, definition: make them boys go crazy... # Whoa, whoa. What? I thought that would fix it! No! No. You cannot kiss your way out of this with your brown sugar lips. Come on, you guys, let's go. This party sucks. # Up in the gym just working on my fitness. He's my witness. Ooh. # You know, for the record, you are all terrible make-up artists. Yup, that's fair! Brynley, hey. Hey, uh, look. I know I'm really drunk and, um, this is probably gonna be a really big mistake, but, um, I'll just kill myself if I didn't say it, so, um... You are breathtaking, and... I'm in love with you. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I don't know who you are. Sorry. The camera guy. # Oh, yeah. # Oh, oh, oh, yeah. # You women stand accused of talking about your lady business freely and openly at work. What are we doing here? Your Honour, these are nice girls. They're good girls. They just got mixed up in the wrong stuff. We've all made mistakes, Your Honour. Why don't we just give them a slap on the wrist? For what? We didn't do anything. I don't even have my period. Miss Williams, you will be quiet or you will be held in contempt of the court. How is talking about your period against the law? Ugh, cos it's gross. So yuck. What's next? Are you gonna fine us for even having periods? We'll see if that bill passes in May. In the meantime, I'm sentencing you both to jail time of a period of no less than four years. What? That's bullshit. And you just said 'period'. Make that five years. And I wasn't talking about women's periods. Although, I guess I was just then. Nope. Fair's fair. I will also send myself to jail. One year for me. Thanks, Brad. Hey. I hope you get a period. I hate you. I hope you get a period. It's gonna be an awkward car ride. Ow. ELECTRONIC MUSIC Hey, ladies. Can I interest you in any desserts? Some cheesecake? Oh, I dunno. We just had a really big lunch, like... Yeah, I don't know if I could eat another bite. I get full so quickly. Yeah, me too. I get full so quickly. Sometimes I get full from just breathing in. OK, well, what about just like`? What about half, though? Yeah. Uh, scuse me? Two halves, please. They only come in one size. Oh, OK. Well, just bring me cake. UPBEAT MUSIC Oh no. Did we just eat a whole cheesecake... each? There's no one really in the restaurant. No one can prove we ate anything. Sorry, ladies. We're actually just about to close up shop. Ooh, someone was hungry, eh? DRAMATIC MUSIC This is the fourth waiter this month. Hey, no. You made me eat half. I only had half because you said you were having half. Yeah, and two halves make a whole... cheesecake. (SOBS) Keep it together. That's just the sugar crash talking. OK... Do you think before we bury the body we could go halvsies on a cronut? Yeah. I'll cut, you pick. That's fair. MUFFLED SCREAMING # Oh, yeah. # Oh, oh, oh, yeah. # POP MUSIC Do you promise not to tell anyone? Yeah. But do you... pinky promise? VOICEOVER: It's the Pinky Promise Ring! The ring to give your best friend when you tell her a secret. # It's amazing. It's really cool. Pinky Promise. # Pinky Promise Ring! # It's so pretty! It's pink. I feel like a princess. It's really cool! # Tell her a secret. Give her the ring. Pinky Promise. # Pinky Promise Ring! # It's the only accessory that keeps your secret safe. Simply place the ring on your friend's finger, tell her a secret, and if that bitch spills, she gets punished! Now with three new levels of secrecy ` tightening,... RING BEEPS Boy, that's tight. ...burning... She says she has a deviated septum, but it is totally just cosmetic. RING BEEPS GASPS: Ow. ...and for those really big secrets ` amputation! I never should have told that secret. # Side effects include scarring and blood loss. Pinky Promise. # Pinky Promise Ring! # The Pinky Promise Ring. Cos if she doesn't respect your secrets, she doesn't deserve fingers. RING BEEPS (SCREAMS) ALL LAUGH ALL: Shh. Almost a yes. Yeah, I know. I know. Next time. # Oh, yeah. # Oh, oh, oh, yeah. # Funny Girls! # CLASSICAL MUSIC Cheers, Cassie. Hey, how's your mum? Oh, she's good. She got a new job. She misses you guys, though. Do you think we'll all be OK? I am so high. Oh God, me too. Thank God you said that. DOOR OPENS > Shit. Shit, it's the cops. Flush it. What are you doing? Put that away. No, it's me. It's Rose. > ALL: Roooose. (SIGHS) Oh, thank God. I've just, um, come by to make an announcement. I will not be hosting NZ's Hottest Tween Model after all. Cos they are very young. Do you know how young they are? Yeah, they're tweens. Yeah, that's disgusting. Look, Rose, you should do it. I` You know, actually, I'd prefer if I just kept making stuff with you guys, actually. Pretty fun. I think I know someone who could help you out. Oh, is it your mum? ALL LAUGH LAUGHING CONTINUES (SNORTS) 'Your mum,' she said. ELECTRONIC MUSIC Where are we? Please... Let us go. Take these off. What is this place? Is this prison? No, child. This is a place of safety. A secret haven where women are free to talk about their periods. Such bad cramps... Does anybody have a wheat pack? Follow me. Ladies, this room is full of relaxing lavender baths. And this room is full of cushions and piles of food. WHISPERS: Wow. And this is for if you're feeling mad and you don't know why. This place is heaven. Let's stay here forever. And this last room... is the armoury. Whoa, what's this for? We must be armed for the uprising. I'm sorry? To bring about a world where our children can talk freely about Aunt Flo or ask for a Panadol without feeling shame, we must shed blood ` to be free to talk about shedding blood. ALL: Flow! Today is the day, ladies. To the death! ALL YELL I think the door's this way. Thank you for the necklaces! ELECTRONIC MUSIC What about Leroy? Veto. I knew a guy at high school called Leroy. He hit his teacher with a car. Harley? Veto. Do you want our kid to have a rat's tail and piss his pants when he's angry? Well, what do you like, then? Mmm... How about Ronald? Veto. As in McDonald? As in Weasley. Well, what if he gets your...? You know. Oh, yeah. What about Joffrey? Veto. What is wrong with you? Channing? Veto. You liked that film way too much. Jack? Veto. Our last name is Offlots. Oh, yeah. Bundy? Veto. Fritzl? How about something really fun? Like 'The Joker'? Veto. Password? Veto. Too weak. Basil? Veto. What about H-H-H-Hot Sand. Veto. What about Creme Caramel? Veto. Sha-Wing! Veto. What about (HISSES)? Veto. What about Twooo Shoooes? Veto. What about Krr! The Third? What about Baby? No. What if he grows up? Oh, yeah. > So, it would be good for a while, but... True. What about...? My waters just broke. Mmm, veto. No, seriously. My waters just broke. Really? What about Danny DeVito? What? Oh, yeah, we should go to hospital. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Hi, guys! Aw, look at this little man. Have you had any ideas on a name? BOTH: Veto. Ooh. That's actually quite a popular one this year. Hm. ELECTRONIC MUSIC We return now to the hostage situation developing in a local pharmacy. The perpetrator is believed to be this woman. Amongst the list of demands made was a fuelled helicopter, $2 million in cash, a box set of The Gilmore Girls and... (WHISPERS) the ECP. Sorry, Marge, what was that? WHISPERS: The ECP. Still can't understand you, Marge. Do you recall the office Christmas party by any chance, Mike? Hey, we agreed we were never to speak of that. Ah, we now cross live to the scene. DRAMATIC MUSIC RT: We have a hostage situation in progress. Contact has been made. MUSIC INTENSIFIES Alpha 2, the drop has been made. Hold your positions. Over. DISTANT SIRENS WAIL ELECTRONIC MUSIC Can I just say that I'm just really glad that we got to meet today, and I'm super excited about this. I think we've got such a great team and, uh, we've got really` some really great ideas. Only thing I had a bit of a worry about was, um, the title. No problem, Rose. Our new production company have been looking for a show exactly like yours, and we're really excited to hear all of your ideas. Is that from House of Cards? Is it? They might. I thought I came up with it. No. Right. Maybe a great idea for a funny sketch. The only thing is that there's nothing funny about that idea. Well, not in your opinion. But I mean` Look, we've got a` We've got a lot of ideas, and we're super excited about working with you. And this is gonna be fun. It will be fun if we both do our own jobs. Should we go out for a brioche? I'm starving. Now, that is a good idea. (CHUCKLES) Captions by Madison Batten Edited by Anne Langford. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016