ROSE WENT INTO BATTLE WITH A CORPORATE MACHINE AND LOST, LEAVING HER LUMPED WITH AN INCOMPETENT PRODUCER CALLED PAULINE,... AND ACTION! ...WHO THEN LUMPED ROSE WITH AN EVEN MORE INCOMPETENT CREW. MY ARMS GOT TIRED. ARE YOU A FACE PAINTER? MM. PAULINE? CAMERA GUY FELL IN LOVE WITH BRYNLEY. I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. KIM WENT TO PRISON. ROSE UNWITTINGLY MADE A SEX TAPE. LAURA GOT FIRED. SHE'S GONE, THEN. PAULINE GOT FIRED. I'M SORRY? AND TENSION WAS HIGH WHEN ROSE WAS ASKED TO HOST NZ'S HOTTEST TWEEN MODEL, BUT SHE TURNED IT DOWN TO STAY FRIENDS WITH LAURA. AND PAULINE PROVED SHE WASN'T THAT INCOMPETENT WHEN SHE STOOD UP TO THE MEN. WELL, THE MAN. THAT WAS AMAZING. AND THAT WAS EVERYTHING YOU MISSED ON FUNNY GIRLS SEASON ONE. BRASS-BAND MUSIC ALL RIGHT, LADIES. IT'S TAKEN A LOT OF HARD WORK AND OVER FIVE EMAILS, BUT HERE WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM AGAIN. FUNNY GIRLS SEASON TWO ` WE DID IT, BABY. (CHUCKLES) NOW, THIS YEAR EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT. BETTER. FIRSTLY, WE'VE ALL HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL GROWTH OVER THIS YEAR. ROSE, YOU'VE BEEN IN ENGLAND, ACTING ON THE WEST END. COCKNEY ACCENT: IN ENGLAND, WE CALL IT THE WEST BOTTOM. GREAT (!) AND, LAURA, YOU'RE NOW THE HOST OF HOTTEST TWEEN MODEL, THE MOST CRITICALLY HATED SHOW IN THE COUNTRY. WELL DONE. YASS, TWEEN. AND I, OF COURSE, HAVE GOT A LOT BETTER AT PRODUCING THANKS TO THIS MAGAZINE I FOUND AT THE DENTIST. PAULINE, THAT MAGAZINE LOOKS A LITTLE BIT OLD. WELL, I PERSONALLY LOVE YOUR NEW LOOK. IT'S A 'YASS, TWEEN' FROM ME. (GIGGLES) WHISPERS: WHY DOES SHE HAVE BLUE EYES NOW? WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE A CHIMNEY SWEEP? I'VE ALWAYS TALKED LIKE THIS! HEY, HEY! OK. SECONDLY, NOW, I DON'T WANT TO PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU TWO, BUT I AM COUNTING ON THIS SEASON OF FUNNY GIRLS TO REPRESENT, VOCALISE AND FURTHER ALL WOMEN AND MINORITIES WHILST ALSO APPEALING TO A WIDE AUDIENCE OF MEN. (COUGHS) OH, IS THAT WHY THOSE AWFUL MEN FROM LAST SEASON ARE HERE? YES, THEY ARE HERE AS MALE ADVISORS. NOW, THIS MAGAZINE REALLY STRESSES HOW IMPORTANT THE OPINIONS OF MEN ARE. THAT'S BECAUSE THAT MAGAZINE IS 30 YEARS OLD. ROSE, LAURA, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST, BUT BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING RASH, WE WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING. WE ALL WENT TO A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT, AND NOW WE'RE ALL FEMINISTS. WE WANNA BE PART OF HER STORY. ALL APPLAUD PAULINE, THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS LAST YEAR. CAN YOU SEE THIS? CAN I INTERRUPT YOU AS A FEMINIST AND JUST SAY THAT IT'S NOT GONNA BE THE SAME AS LAST YEAR? LOOK, I'M SENSING A LOT OF HOSTILITY. ARGH! WHA`?! CAN I JUST SAY I FEEL REALLY UNSAFE HERE, GUYS. UH, TOM, IT'S NOT VERY FEMINIST OF YOU TO MAKE THIS ABOUT` CAN I SHUSH YOU AS A FELLOW FEMINIST AND JUST SAY`? CAN I EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU FOR A SECOND? NONE OF THIS IS FEMINIST` CAN I ACTUALLY EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU FOR A SECOND? ALL TALK AT ONCE FUNNY GIRLS SEASON TWO! COWABUNGA! (LAUGHS) ELECTRONIC MUSIC # FUNNY GIRLS! # COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016 NOW, I AM EXCITED ABOUT THE SIGNIFICANT IMPACT THE GOVERNMENT'S COLLABORATION WITH PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES WILL HAVE ON THE HEALTH SECTOR. I ANTICIPATE IMMEDIATE SHORT-TERM GAINS AS WELL AS LONG-LASTING BENEFITS. NOW, I'M HAPPY TO TAKE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING THE MATTER OF THE BILL. YES, OVER HERE. HI. NEWS NOW ONLINE. UH, TELL US WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE CURRENT HEALTH BUDGET WILL BE ALLOCATED FOR THIS NEW INITIATIVE? I BELIEVE IT BEGINS AT 8%, RISING TO 12% OVER THE COURSE OF THREE YEARS. THANK YOU. FOLLOW-UP QUESTION ` WHO ARE YOU WEARING? A SUIT. I'M WEARING A SUIT. ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? REGARDING THE INTRODUCTION OF THE BILL TO THE HOUSE. YES, OF COURSE. YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR HAIR, EH? NO, I DON'T SEE HOW THAT IS RELEVANT TO THE TOPIC AT HAND, SO I WILL NOT BE COMMENTING ON THAT. ANY ONE? YOUR FRINGE IS GETTING PRETTY MIXED FEEDBACK. IS IT THERE TO COVER SOME OILY HEAD SKIN? I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S` I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S RELEVANT TO WHAT WE ARE DISCUSSING TODAY. ANY OTHER`? NEXT QUESTION. YOUR SHOES. NO. NOW, I NOTICED YOU'RE WEARING FLATS. NO. IS THIS A STATEMENT ON FEMINISM? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I WILL NOT BE ANSWERING QUESTIONS ON HOW I LOOK. I WILL BE ANSWERING QUESTIONS ON WHAT HAS BROUGHT US HERE TODAY, WHICH IS THE HEALTH BILL, WHICH IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT. OK, OVER HERE! QUESTION ` ARE THEY... REAL? YEP, OK, THAT'S ENOUGH QUESTIONS FOR TODAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. ALL GROAN, TALK AT ONCE THE PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE. I WILL ANSWER ONE MORE QUESTION AS LONG AS IT HAS TO DO WITH THE TOPIC AT HAND. FINALLY, YES, THANK YOU. HERE. THANK YOU. JUST ONE QUICK QUESTION. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BITCH? ELECTRONIC MUSIC HEY. I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT STOOD UP. (SIGHS) WELL, THANKS FOR RESCUING ME. NO WORRIES. MY BODY SHAM CLASS AT THE GYM WAS CANCELLED, SO, YEAH. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE STOOD ME UP. NO TEXT. NOTHING. I REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS DIFFERENT. HIS TINDER PROFILE PIC IS OF HIM IN AFRICA. (WRETCHES) WE NEED SOME VODKA TRAFFIC LIGHTS. WHERE'S THE BARTENDER? I JUST CAN'T KEEP GETTING STOOD UP LIKE THIS. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING IS COMING UP AND I CAN'T FIND A MAN TO SAVE MYSELF. IT'S LIKE THERE'S SOME KIND OF (CHUCKLES) MAN DROUGHT. MY GOD, THERE IS A MAN DROUGHT. LAST WEEK I WENT TO MY COUSIN'S WEDDING AND I HAD TO FLY SOLO. EVEN HAD TO EAT TWO MEALS BY MYSELF. I'M CALLING IT. THERE'S A MAN DROUGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, MEN? I'M PARCHED! I'M MAN THIRSTY! BOTH LAUGH I'M DE-MAN-DRATED. I DEFINITELY NEED A MAN-CATION! BOTH LAUGH IT DEFINITELY ISN'T RAINING MEN! IT'S... DRY. SAHARA. YEAH. OK, SCREW IT. YOU KNOW WHAT? THE NEXT GUY THAT WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR, YOU ARE GONNA ASK THEM OUT. YES! OK, YES, YES. ALWAYS SAY YES. I CAN DO THIS. OK. GIRLS TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES ANY SECOND NOW. GIRLS LAUGH OK, I'M REALLY GONNA NEED THAT DRINK NOW. WHERE'S THE BARMAN? HE WAS... HERE JUST A SECOND AGO. WAIT. MARISSA, WHY WAS YOUR GYM CLASS CANCELLED? MY INSTRUCTOR, HE... NEVER SHOWED UP. PHONE RINGS MUM? WHAT IS IT? I HAVE TO GO! MY DAD IS MISSING. TEXAN ACCENT: DON'T MATTER WHERE YOU GO, LITTLE GIRLIE GIRL. THERE AIN'T NO MAN TO FIND. WHAT YOU GOT HERE IS A MAN DROUGHT. DON'T AFFECT ME, THOUGH. I WENT LESBIAN BACK IN '08. FIRST WAVE. (GASPS) BRENDA, WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW. LET'S GO. ELECTRONIC MUSIC I'M JUST THINKING WE COULD DO SOMETHING MORE DIFFICULT WITH OUR COMEDY, YOU KNOW. JUST SOMETHING MORE RAW. WE COULD JUST MAKE IT FUNNY. FUN AND FUNNY. OK, WELCOME TO THE NEW DIGS. WE'RE ON A BIT OF A TIMESHARE SITUATION WITH A COUPLE OF LOCAL ACCESS SHOWS. SAVE A FEW BUCKS. HELLO AND WELCOME TO MILK REVIEW. TODAY'S MILK IS FROM FAIRFIELDS FARM DOWN SOUTH. WHISPERS: WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS? OK, COME ON. SORRY. (CHUCKLES) COME ON. (CHUCKLES) AND IT WOULDN'T BE FUNNY GIRLS WITHOUT THE REST OF THE TEAM, NOW, WOULD IT? HI, EVERYONE! HI! WAIT, ISN'T KIM SUPPOSED TO BE IN PRISON? WELL, THANKS TO THIS, NOW THE STUDIO IS LIKE MY PRISON. (LAUGHS) SO, WHAT DID EVERYONE GET UP TO`? WE'RE ON A BIT OF A TIGHT SCHEDULE, BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR YOUR WACKY INTERACTION AND WITTY BANTER LATER IN THE SEASON, OK? MISS DANIEL, YOU'RE NEEDED OVER AT HOTTEST TWEEN MODEL. HELLO, SWEETHEART. I'M WORKING, MUM! OOH. SORRY ` EMBARRASSING MUM ALERT. CIAO. BYE, DARLING. THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE A REGULAR THING, IS IT? HER JUST SWANNING OFF FOR HOURS ON END? GOD, I BET YOU'RE KICKING YOURSELF FOR KNOCKING BACK THAT HOSTING GIG NOW. I'D LOVE A HOT FUCKING TOWEL. YOU JUST HEAT UP YOUR OWN TOWEL. NAH. WOULDN'T BE THE SAME. COME ON! LET'S GET ON TO THE TOUR. (LAUGHS) PAULINE? CAN WE PLEASE GO TO THE TOILET? ELECTRONIC MUSIC MAN: THE NEW HOLDEN COLORADO IS THE ULTIMATE WORKHORSE, WITH A POWERFUL 2.8L DURAMAX DIESEL ENGINE. IT'S BUILT TOUGH, JUST LIKE` WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK? HELLO? SORRY, LOVE, JUST DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE A WOMAN. EXCUSE ME? YEAH, WELL, YOU USUALLY DON'T SEE WOMEN IN THESE TYPES OF ADS. WHAT? OH, I SEE. ARE THEY KIDS IN THE CAR? NO. I'M A FARMER. A FAR`? OH, A FARMER'S WIDOW? NO, I OWN THIS FARM. I RUN IT. OH, REALLY? DID YOU LEARN THAT FROM YOUR DEAD HUSBAND, DID YA? NO! OK. SURE. AS YOU WERE, THEN, I S'POSE. WITH A MASSIVE 3.5 TON TOWING CAPACITY, IT'S GOT THE GUTS TO GET THE JOB` HEY! EASY ON THE CLUTCH THERE. YOU'RE RIDING IT. YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME I'VE DRIVEN A TRUCK. YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. FUCK YOU! 500NM OF TORQUE MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE TO` HEY, TURN THE WHEEL CLOCKWISE. I KNOW! ALL RIGHT, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP. I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR HELP! YEAH, OK, CALM DOWN. DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! WHOA. MUST BE SOMEBODY'S TIME OF THE MONTH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. FINE. HERE WE GO. I YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT, WHY DON'T YOU DO IT? OK. I WILL. COME ON. ROCK MUSIC ENGINE STOPS SHIT. ARE YOU DONE? YEAH. YOU MUST HAVE LOOSENED IT UP FOR ME OR SOMETHING. BECAUSE APPARENTLY NOTHING'S SACRED THESE DAYS. GET OFF MY PROPERTY! # UH, YEAH, FUNNY GIRLS! # DUB MUSIC PLAYS, PHONE PINGS Hey, the others wanna hang out. Um... Are you sure it's OK if I get a ride? Yeah, yeah. Dad said it's fine. I'm putting on some music. OK. BOTH CHUCKLE, CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Dad! OK, I'm gonna change it. Sorry, but... Yeah. OK. Ooh yeah. Yeah. Turn it up. DUB MUSIC PLAYS, PHONE PINGS Hey, the others wanna hang out. Um... Hey! BOTH LAUGH ALL: # It's time to cut and run. It's time to... TYRES SCREECH # It's time to cut and run. It's time to cut and run. # Oh my God. Get off! Yeah! It's so obvious. So wasted. TRUCK HORN BLARES, GIRLS SCREAM, LAUGH (LAUGHS) TV BEEPS I'll probably drop Libby home after dance so she doesn't have to walk home in the dark. Thanks, Dad. I'll be home a little bit after 10, not too late. I love you guys. Yeah, all good, love. THAT WAS AMAZING. HIP-HOP MUSIC PEACEFUL MUSIC IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME SHE DOES HOTTEST TWEEN MODEL. I MEAN, SHE'S VERY RICH NOW, AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME AS WELL. DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? I JUST ASKED IF YOU WANTED A COFFEE, SO NOT REALLY. OH, HEY, WATCH OUT. THAT CAMERA COST $20,000. WHY IS IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY, THEN? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE IT LIVES. WHY IS HE BACK?! YOU SAID THAT THINGS WERE GONNA BE DIFFERENT, BUT SO FAR THEY'RE FEELING EXACTLY THE SAME, PAULINE. OK, WELL, THEY'RE NOT. FOR EXAMPLE, WE NOW HAVE A WARDROBE DEPARTMENT. (CHUCKLES) AND A COSTUMIER! MY EARS ARE BURNING! OH MY GOD. YOU REMEMBER JASMINE? SHE USED TO DO MAKE-UP. THEN MY ARTHRITIS GOT QUITE BAD AND I COULDN'T HOLD MY MAKE-UP BRUSH ANY MORE. BUT THANKFULLY PAULINE CAME ALONG, COS I'D REALLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM. THE ONLY WAY IS UP, GIRLFRIEND. COME ON. OOH! (CHUCKLES) AND I DID BRING SOME COSTUMES FROM MY LAST JOB, SO, ROSE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A FAIRY OR A PRINCESS? IT'S ALL THE SAME. THEY'RE QUITE DIFFERENT. IT'S ALL THE SAME. SHE'S BACK AND IT'S ALL... I FEEL SICK. YOU COULD BE, LIKE, A FROG. I'VE GOT A FROG PRINCE. IT'S ALL THE SAME. IT'S ALL THE SAME. HOW CAN WE BE OF SERVICE? (YELPS, PANTS) WHISPERS: IT'S ALL THE SAME. DISTORTED: I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED A TOUCH-UP. (YELPS) IT'S ALL THE SAME. IT'S ALL THE SAME! DISTORTED VOICES HEY, MY CAN. (PANTS) (SOBS) IT'S ALL THE SAAAAAME! (SOBS) SHE'S RIGHT. THERE'S BARELY ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE MILKS. (SIGHS) WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH OUR LIVES? ELECTRONIC MUSIC REGISTER BEEPS $20, THANKS. YES, CAN I HELP? YOU GONNA ASK ME FOR ID? (LAUGHS) (CONTINUES LAUGHING) YOU! (CONTINUES LAUGHING) (INHALES) GRANT,... (LAUGHS) LAUGHING: YOU'LL NEVER FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. AND HERE WE GO ` OUR WINE LIST. OH, NO THANK YOU. NO, I CAN'T DRINK. PREGNANT. OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T` I DIDN'T NOTICE. NO, NO PROBLEM. UM, WHAT CHEESE IS IN THE PANINI? THAT'S BRIE. OH, I CAN'T EAT SOFT CHEESES. I'M PREGNANT, YOU SEE. OH, RIGHT. OK. DO YOU USE EGGS IN YOUR OMELETTE? YES. YEAH. OH, SEE, I CAN'T DO EGGS. SEE, I'M PREGNANT. AND THE SOUP IS...? THAT'S CHICKEN AND SWEETCORN TODAY. AND HOW WAS THE SWEETCORN CUT? I'M SORRY? WELL, WAS IT CUT ON A MONDAY, OR A TUESDAY, OR...? (CHUCKLES) I DON'T` SORRY, I DON'T KNOW. OH, OK. NOPE, OK, I'LL LEAVE IT. BEST NOT RISK IT. (LAUGHS) WHAT SORT OF BREAD DO YOU USE IN THE VEGETARIAN SANDWICH? OH, THAT'S FIVE GRAIN. (SIGHS) MY PAEDIATRICIAN SAYS I SHOULDN'T BE EATING GRAINS. (SCOFFS) SOMETHING ABOUT THE HAEMORRHOIDS. (CHUCKLES) YEAH, OK. UM, WELL, PERHAPS JUST THE SALAD? OH, WAS THAT PICKED WITHIN THE HOUR? I'M SORRY, I` I DON'T KNOW. OK, NO. NO, LOOK, I'LL JUST GET THE TOAST RACK. NO SPREADS, JUST TOAST. GOOD CHOICE. WATER ` STILL OR SPARKLING? NO, NO, NO, NO. NO LIQUIDS, PLEASE. I'M PREGNANT. OF COURSE, YEAH. I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE. OH, WAITER ` SORRY, CAN I GET THAT IN A TAKEAWAY? I'M JUST A BIT WORRIED I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR MY ABORTION. YEP. OK, I'LL` OK, THANKS. (SIGHS) BRAZILIAN MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS WOMAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE MARIA! LUCIA! ISABELLA! (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE) DRAMATIC MUSIC WHERE ARE THE MEN? WHERE ARE THE MEN? THERE'S NO MEN! IT SEEMS NO ONE IS SAFE AS THE MAN DROUGHT HAS SPREAD TO ALL CONTINENTS WITH NOT A SINGLE MAN SIGHTED. IT'S DEVASTATING NEWS FOR ALL OF THOSE TRYING TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE. I JUST WANNA GET MY GROOVE BACK. SUSAN TANNER WITH YOUR LOCAL NEWS. GOD DAMMIT! ALL THE MOTORWAYS ARE CLOSED. WE'RE GONNA NEED TO TAKE THE BACK ROADS OUT TO THE COUNTRY. THERE MIGHT STILL BE SOME MEN OUT THERE. YOU GOT ANYTHING? NOTHING. WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW. LET'S GO. LET'S GO! THE SCIENCE DOES NOT LIE, MR PRESIDENT. WE ARE FACING A MAN DROUGHT ON A CATASTROPHIC SCALE. IF YOU HAD JUST LISTENED TO ME AT THE START` I HAD A PLAN. NOT NOW, DR GOLDBLUM. BUT I HAVE A PLAN, SIR. I HAVE A PLAN. I WROTE IT OUT ON A NAPKIN. THE VICE PRESIDENT WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU, SIR. PLAN. TELL ME IT'S GOOD NEWS, WOODWARD. MR PRESIDENT, I HAVE AN URGENT MATTER I NEED TO DISCUSS. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING IS COMING UP AND I JUST WONDERED WHETHER YOU MIGHT ACCOMPANY ME... WHOOSH OH MY GOD. NOT YOU TOO. EVERYONE'S ABOUT TO GET REAL THIRSTY. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING. # UH, YEAH. FUNNY GIRLS! # I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. KIM WENT TO PRISON. ROSE UNWITTINGLY MADE A SEX TAPE. LAURA GOT FIRED. CELEBRITY JUDGE JULIAN DENNISON HAS A TOUGH DECISION. I'M GONNA NEED AN ANSWER NOW, JULIAN. I HAVE TO THINK WITH MY HEAD, NOT MY HEART. IS IT A 'YASS, TWEEN'? OR A 'NASS, TWEEN'? NARRATOR: WHO WILL STAY? IT'S A... NARRATOR: AND WHO WILL BE BANNED FROM ALL DEVICES THIS WEEK? IT'S TIME TO PACK YOUR TOYS AND LEAVE THE TWEEN TREEHOUSE. FIND OUT THIS WEEK ON ` # UH, YEAH. # UH, UH, UH, YEAH. # BELL RINGS IF YOU JUST MOVE THAT TO SATURDAY, THAT'D BE AMAZING. LAURA, CAN I HAVE A WORD? OH, IT'S OK, CASSIE. I'LL TAKE THAT COFFEE NOW. CAN YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND, MARIE? THAT'S NOT AT ALL MY NAME. (CHUCKLES) HOW COOL IS THIS? MY OWN SHOW! (CHUCKLES) IT'S SO COOL. YOU THINK EXPLOITING 12-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN IS COOL. HEY, BABE. DINNER TONIGHT? MY TREAT. OK, BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO MCDONALDS AGAIN. UGH. NEVER MIND. WHO'S THIS LOVELY LADY? WHAT IS HAPPENING? WELL, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND, BUT I'M ALWAYS IN THE MARKET FOR A SIDE BOO. DO YOU WANT ME TO DANCE FOR YOU? SEE, LIKE... OH, NICE LADY JUDGE HAS A DOG. CAN I PLEASE GO AND PAT IT? OK, LIKE I'VE SAID BEFORE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME WHEN YOU WANT TO DO THINGS. OH, COOL. AWESOME. IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND? DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT ` LIKE IT'S WEIRD. WE` WE DON'T HOLD HANDS, AND IT'S JUST` YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST FOR THE PUBLICITY. HE IS A CHILD. GOD, EVERYONE HAS GONE INSANE SINCE I WENT TO GREAT BRITAIN. OK, NOBODY CALLS IT THAT, AND WHY HAVE YOU GOT THAT ACCENT? YOU WERE ONLY THERE FOR, LIKE, SIX MONTHS. WELL, WHY DO YOU HAVE A STUPID FUCKING WIG? YOU LOOK LIKE A STRIPPER. YOU KNOW WHAT, I CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT FUNNY GIRLS SEASON TWO, BUT I THINK I ALREADY HAVE MY ANSWER. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT DOING IT. (CHUCKLES) YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S` THAT'S JUST PERFECT, BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY WANNA DO IT WITH SOMEONE THAT'S A PRETENTIOUS GLAZER LIKE YOU. WHAT'S THAT? IT'S A TWEEN WORD. FINE. LET'S GO TELL PAULINE THE GREAT NEWS. EXCELLENT. BELL RINGS TAKE YOUR HAT OFF. YOU'RE INSIDE. ROSE: I WAS OUTSIDE BEFORE AND I'M GOING OUTSIDE AGAIN. WE SHOULD TAKE A SELFIE LATER. YEAH. FIST BUMP. OK. THIS IS SO NICE. I USED TO LOVE THIS GAME AS A KID. (SIGHS) IS YOUR PERSON A WOMAN? YES. WHOLE BACK ROW, SO... (CHUCKLES) LOT OF MEN IN THIS GAME. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) OK, COOL. UH, IS YOUR PERSON A WOMAN? NO. OK. UM... OH, EASY. OK. SHIT. OK. (LAUGHS) THIS GAME IS HARD, ISN'T IT? IS THIS THE HARD VERSION OF THIS GAME? UM... I KNOW, I KNOW ` ASK ME SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY THEY LOOK. WELL, DOES YOUR PERSON LOOK LIKE SHE HAS A KIND FACE? THEY KIND OF ALL HAVE THE SAME FACE. ASK ME SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY THEY LOOK. DOES YOUR PERSON... ...LOOK LIKE... ...SHE IS NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD? ACTUALLY, Y` DON'T ANSWER THAT ONE. TAKE THAT ONE BACK. JUST ASK ME SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. IS YOUR PERSON A` ...GING? ARE THEY AGING QUICKLY? A... SEXUAL. IS SHE ASEXUAL? KIND OF NOT INTO MEN, NOT INTO WOMEN? JUST ASEXUAL? NOPE? IS SHE A... JUST ASK ME ABOUT HOW THEY LOOK. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. COS YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. FANTASTIC (!) THAT IS NOT TRUE. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. ARE YOU TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT? HEY, LET'S HAVE THIS FIGHT, THEN. JUST ASK ME SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. NO, LET'S HAVE THIS FIGHT. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST ASK ME A PROPER QUESTION. SO IS SHE GOOD AT MATHS? JUST ASK ME WHERE SHE'S FROM. FINE. UGH. IS YOUR PERSON ASIAN? OH, ASIAN, YES. (LAUGHS) YOU WON. I WON. OK. I'M GONNA GUESS YOUR GUY NOW. OK. UM, IS YOUR GUY A JEW? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SHIT! NO. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING. MY COUSIN'S WEDDING. GIVE IT A REST, PENNY. YOUR COUSIN'S NOT GONNA GET MARRIED. THERE'S NO GROOM. SCREAM CAR HORN HONKS CAR HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY THAT'S A MAN HORN. IT'S A MAN HORN! COULD IT BE? HAS THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVED? (LAUGHS) I WAS RAIDING THE WESTERN TERRITORY ` WELL, WHAT'S LEFT OF IT ` AND I FOUND THIS. LADIES, 10 YEARS OF THIS COMES TO AN END TODAY. I GIVE YOU ` A MAN! WELL, HELLO, HELLO, LADIES. WHO HERE LIKES MAGIC? CRICKETS CHIRP I THINK I'LL WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE. FUCKING STREET MAGICIANS. CAN I GET A RIDE BACK TO THE SHAGGIN' WAGON? IT'S WHAT I CALL MY CAR. (CHUCKLES) WELL, IT'S MORE A VAN. (SNEEZES) IT'S SEARCHING. WHY IS IT SEARCHING WHEN IT'S JUST THERE? OI. WE'RE QUITTING. OOH. OK, HERE WE GO. NOW, I GOT THIS AFTER THE END OF THE LAST SEASON. BEEP PHONE: HEY, MY NAME IS CHRISTIE AND I LOVE FUNNY GIRLS AND ROSE AND LAURA AND EVERYONE SO MUCH. IT'S LIKE YOU MADE A WHOLE SHOW JUST FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS, AND THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS ` FOR WOMEN, I MEAN. ANYWAY, I JUST WANNA SAY I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT SEASON. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. OK, THANKS. BYE! ANSWER PHONE BEEPS AND THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM. LISTEN ` I GET IT. ONCE AGAIN, THE CONDITIONS AREN'T IDEAL, BUT WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE MATTERS. IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT US. THIS IS BIGGER THAN US. NOW, I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER, BUT IF I DID` WAIT, NO. YOU` YOU DO HAVE A DAUGHTER. WE WORK WITH HER. OK, OK, OK. AND I WOULD BE PROUD TO LET HER WATCH YOUR SHOW. BUT THAT'S ENOUGH FROM ME. I'M JUST GONNA PASS OVER YOUR CONTRACTS SO YOU CAN RIP THEM UP. (SIGHS) I AM SO PROUD OF YOU GIRLS. YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT DAY. I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO LEGAL. LOOK, IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS SHOW TOGETHER, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN DOING A LITTLE BIT OF AN ACCENT. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW THAT THIS... IS A WIG. YEAH, I'VE SAID IT, LIKE, THREE TIMES. WHAT? PAULINE ON PHONE: HEY, CHRISTIE. THANKS SO MUCH FOR PRETENDING TO LIKE THE SHOW. YOU ARE A LIFESAVER. I'LL SEE YOU AT AQUA-JOGGING TOMORROW, OK? BYE. PAULINE, YOU SNEAKY BIATCH. PAULINE ON PHONE: YEAH, HI, IT'S PAULINE SWANK HERE, CALLING FOR DR ROSS. YEAH, I WAS JUST RINGING ABOUT THOSE TEST RESULTS. YEAH, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS THRUSH, BUT, UM, YEAH, I DON'T THINK THE ANTIBIOTICS HAVE BEEN WORKING, BECAUSE I'M STILL VERY ITCHY UP THERE, AND I'M TRYING` BOTH: NO. NO. NO. NO. CAPTIONS BY VIRGINIA PHILP AND CATHERINE DE CHALAIN. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016