q # The Simpsons # (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) D'oh! (screams) (tyres screeching) (reels whirr) (bells ring) We now return to The Planet from Outer Space. Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray. (choking) Space air is flooding in. Right. Goggles on. Ah... Ah... Ah... Good Lord, we're on a collision course with a monster... from space. (barks) That's just a dog in a space suit. From the looks of it... a male dog. We will return to our film after these very loud messages. Hi, I'm Colonel Chet Manners, five-time space shuttle alternate. Loser. Do you want to boldly go where people like me, but not me, have gone before? Then get the Orbit King with yaw control like you've never seen. Hey, Lis, is Dad's credit card number 5784-3653-4341-0709? You know it is. # When you have a rib-eye steak # # You must floss it # # Oh, that meat loaf tasted great # # You must floss it # # Now floss it # # Floss it good # Hey, Dad, will you help me build this model rocket? Just a second, son. I got to put on my contacts. I didn't know your dad was so interested in science. Science? Uh, he didn't say "science." He said "pie pants." Mmm, pie pants. This is Launch Master Homer counting down. Five, four, three... two... one... (woozy sigh) My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows! (Cockney accent): Over here, guvnor. The word "un-blow-upable" is thrown around a lot these days but I think I can say with confidence that... OK, that shows you what could potentially happen. (whoosh) What was that? Greetings from Nededdy Space Centre on Cape Flandaveral. We noticed your sky-ro-technics and thought we'd join in. Ooh, looks like a perfect landing. Wow! Did you see that yaw control? I have eyes, don't I? I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out. Well, then, could you stop calling us nerds? Dweeb, wonk, spaz, it's all good. Who wants some Astro-lemonade? What precisely makes it Astro? Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this. OK, the rocket's ready to go. (nerdy laughter) Super. Now if you'll gather around, I'd like to say a few words. All nerds clear the launch area. Let's wait in the car. Now all we need is our astronaut. Bart, where's America's newest hero? He's saying goodbye to his wife. Oh, he's leaving her with five babies. She already ate three. Hmm, that's sensible. (majestic music playing) Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God. Five four three, two, one... Countdown! (majestic music continues) Wow! That's it, I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine. Dad, the rocket's off course. OK, Nibbles, you can guide her down. Step one: right in front of you is a blue handle. Pull for a controlled burn of 2.4 seconds. Now it's heading for the church. Don't worry, I planned for this. (gunshots) (glass breaking) (ricocheting, bell dings) (organ plays note) (glass breaking) This is the worst thing you've ever done. You say that so much, it's lost all meaning. ' I have convened the church council to see what we should do now. Fixing this church should be our top priority... and I say that as a teenager and the parent of a teenager. Fixing all that damage is going to be very expensive. Yes, barring some sort of miracle. All right, we'll help ourselves! Yet again. People, we need some fund-raising ideas. Let's just write to David Bowie again. No, he's done enough for this church. Anyone else? (all gasping) I've got the answer. Just let me run this church like a business. It's kind of you to offer, Mr Burns, but the buzz around town is that you're, well, evil. Oh, that's just a skip-rope rhyme. Believe me, the Lord's going to go for this in a big way. Now, who's with me? Oh, I guess we have no choice. Excellent. (creaking) Oh! (whispering): Oh, you'll get yours. This is Lindsay Naegle. And don't let the skirt fool you. She'll have this place making money in no time. Isn't that skirt a little north of the knee? You're telling me. I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams. Step one: let's sell some ad space. Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe? Um, conflicted. Too bad. You've already signed the deal! Actually, he hasn't. - Oh... Well, we highly value your input... until you sign the deal. Let me handle this, Monty. Good idea. I'll be hiding behind that tree. What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse-buy items. I feel like I want to throw up. Then my work is done. Why does Jesus have a lasso? 'Cause he's all man. (gasping) Money changed! Get your money changed right here in the temple! Ugh. That could not be more blasphemous. Where's Bart? (camera shutter clicking) Do a nice one for Grandma. Fine. (click) These new pews are so comfy. I am not going to be taken in by all of this. Lisa, don't sulk. You're on the Jumbotron. (laughter) Adorable. And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery. And now let us rise and, uh... um... He's not going to say it. Trust me, he'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night Vespers. (clears throat): ...and thank Crazy Larry, whose big-screen TV prices are insane-ane-ane! (nervous laugh) And now, to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness... the Noid! That's it! (whispering): Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you! They should take a good look at themselves! And what their church has become! (gasping) Lisa, it's still the same basic message. We've just dressed it up a little. Like the Whore of Babylon? That is a false analogy. No, it's not. It's apt. Apt! (gasping) Don't you see what Mr Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex. He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers. He put ice in the urinals. Those are all wonderful things. But they've cost the church its soul. And I, for one, will not be a part of it. Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in? No! I'm leaving this church forever! Oh no. I don't know how to feel. You should be very upset. Got it. (wailing loudly) HOMER: How was that? MARGE: A little much. (Homer wailing more quietly) q Lord, I'm not turning my back on You. I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption. MARGE (with ghostly voice): Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything. (eerie moan) Mom, I know it's you. I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers. Oh, honey, I'm worried about your soul. I want at least one person from this family to go to heaven. I still believe in God. I just think there's another path to Him, or Her. Her?! Oh... she's just kidding, Mr Lord. Still looking for a new faith? Yep. Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart? No. How about Methodist? (emphatically): No! Look, I'm not just going to pick a religion that seems cool. I'm going to pick one that's right for me. How about Judaism? When you turn 13, ka-ching! I'm going out for a walk. (seedy jazz music plays) (gasps) Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhists? Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time. Well, I'm looking for a new faith: one that isn't so materialistic. MAN: Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. (gasps) Richard Gere? Ooh! The world's most famous Buddhist. Well, what about the Dalai Lama? Who? You know, the 14th reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokitesvara. Who's Buddha? It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass. Mr Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace. Or is that just a pipe dream? We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet. That would be so great. I dream about meatball sandwiches. All you can eat for two bucks. Good luck. This pamphlet contains the teachings of the Buddha. "All things are impermanent and are empty of inherent existence." Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman did you really do all those sit-ups? I wish. I did one, and they just showed it a thousand times. "Nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech. "Positive actions lead to happiness "and negative actions lead to unhappiness. "No creator gods, just the pursuit of enlightenment." I'm a Buddhist! Hey, I'm a Buddhist! (gasps) My Satan sense is tingling. Into the root cellar, boys! When can we come out? Maybe never. ROD AND TODD: Yay! So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So, butter your bacon! Yes, Father. Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over. Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy. But Dad, my heart hurts. Oh... I'm a Buddhist. Huh?! (gasps) That's it! No more chat rooms for you. You know, Lisa, around here Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches. A Buddhist wouldn't want any. (irritated murmur) Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter has a lot of "crazy ideas" about love and brotherhood. His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer. I thought Kearney was dating your mom. Hey, she came on to me. Get him! (grunting and groaning) Hey, Lisa, what are you doing? I'm planting my own bodhi tree. If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace. Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you? No. Good! I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time. Om Mani Padme Hung. Om Mani Padme Hung. Om Mani Padme Hung. (frustrated groan) You're going to get a bath tonight. So, the good news is church revenues are up 1,073%. And when will the church see any of this money? When hell freezes over, suckers! (grunts) (sinister laughing) (sighs) Oh, whatever, just take it. Well, next on our agenda, Marge Simpson's devil daughter. She's not a devil. I just don't know what to do. Well, Christmas is coming, huh? Yeah, and Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree. You think we can bribe her back with Christmas? Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake Ovens than with this 2000-page sleeping pill. Time to begin. Operation "Xmas-Remind of-How good is." Just do it, do it, do it now. I think this tree could use an angel. Well, at least it's tasteful. (barks tune of "Jingle Bells") (annoyed groan) I was just making Christmas cookies. But since you don't believe in Christmas any more, I guess you don't want any. Well, they do smell good. Hmm, it's a pity. All right, trash cookies! (gulping) (choking) Uh-oh, I think I ate a dog food lid. Here she comes. And-a one, and-a two, and-a... # We wish you a merry Christmas # # We wish you a merry Christmas # # We wish... # Ah. Hello, Lisa. I just came down for a glass of water. Ah, well, you do have a present under the tree. I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist. Well, Santa can take it back, because I'm not ruled by material desi... (gasping): Is that a pony?! I don't know what Santa left you. I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar. Lisa, we love you, and we're not trying to put any pressure on you. (Marge groans impatiently) Aw... Lick it. Lick it. No! Oh no! Our daughter's run away on Christmas Eve. More sugar, please. Bag's in the kitchen. All right! My family tried to trick me into celebrating Christmas. You know, we are meditating. Oh, sorry. That's all right. I was only about to achieve enlightenment. But who'd want that? # Who likes short shorts? # # I like short shorts. # Those guys are way off. Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you. Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions, as long as they're based on love and compassion. Wha`? It's true. So why don't you go home? I'm sure your family really misses you. I can really celebrate Christmas? You can celebrate any holiday. And you know, my birthday is August 31. Oh, I'll send you an email greeting card. Sweet. Now I really should be getting back to my family. I'm spending tonight with my stepdaughter Hannah. I do her hair, then she does mine. We're going to go spend Christmas with Moe, you know, so he don't have one of his Christmas "accidents." Hey, he can't do much without this. I did it. I found our dog. Now our Christmas is complete. We were looking for Lisa. I thought we were carolling. Oh. We'd better call the police. (gasps) Lisa? You came back! (yawns) Yeah. I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys. So you're back on the winning team? No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too. So, you're just going to pay lip service to our church? Uh-huh. That's all I ever asked. Well, I'm just glad you're back. And don't worry, honey. I'll pray double hard for both of us. Now let's get you some Christmas cookies. Thanks, Mom. Hey, where's my pony? Yes! Merry Christmas to us all. (giggling) I'm serious. Make with the pony. And a happy and healthy New Year. LISA: Here, Clip-Clop. Here, pony, pony. MARGE: Happy, happy New Year! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016