1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Come on! "Central Security Agency" It's Wallace. Operation Big Drip is cresting level two. I need Devlin! "Hold, please." No, no, no. Don't put me on hold! Motherf... "Hello, Agent Wallace, I need your nine digit security code, please." "Hello? Agent Wallace?" "Agent Wallace?" Aqua la vista, baby. Hello, my name's Jimmy Tong and I was wondering if there was anything I could say that would convince you to have lunch with me? Oh, Jimmy, you're so cute. Let's go back to your apartment and mate like... donkey. You got me nervous again! It's just a sales girl! To you! But, to me,... ...I dream of her before I ever saw her. Now, that, there...! That's...! Shh! That is the line. Go tell her that. That line. Listen. Hi. My name is Jimmy Tong. When I see you I have a wet dream. Is that what I say? No, no. Just ask her out to lunch now and later we'll work out that line. But hurry up! We're wasting time. Come on! We have to drive! And whatever you do, do not be yourself. Just jokin'. < Thank you so much. Goodbye. I can do it. Hi, my name's Jimmy Tong. Hi. Hi! Pretty colours! Will you excuse me for just one moment? OK. Ah. Just between us guys,... ..you don't come around here for the art, do you? Who would? Yeah. Um, let me, as owner of this gallery, give you a little bit of friendly advice. Don't waste any time. You go over there and ask Jennifer out. You think so? Yes! That way she can say, "No", and we can get on with our little lives. Thank you for your advice. Yes. 'Hello. My name is Jimmy Tong.' What can I say to convince you to have lunch with me? Argh! Ow! I'm sorry. Are you hurt? I'm terr... Come here you little runt! Hello. (HORN BLOWS) Get back here! Where did you go? Where are you?! Sauer...? Sauercrop? Sauerkraut? Hey! Hey! Wait! I just washed that cab! What the hell wrong with you, boy?! Come down here! Hey! Hey! Not the face! Not the face! I just want to talk. Hey, you do that. Oh, you're scared now? (CLUCKS) Go and get yourself some training wheels! Go get a tattoo of a chicken! Go! I thought your people know karate. Not everybody Chinese is Bruce Lee. Just calm yourself, Jimmy. Calm yourself. It's not my day. Oh! Wow! Do you think you can get me to 70 Fleming Street? Of course. Wait a second. You Jimmy Tong? That's who I am. Who are you? The name is Steena. How come you drive so fast? More fares. You've been suspended nine times for speeding. But no accidents. Remember where I'm going? 70 Fleming. Get there before I do my make-up and I'll double the meter. You serious? Do I look like I have a sense of humour? OK! Open the gate! (SPEAKS CHINESE) You drive too fast! I got mascara and eye liner left. You got five blocks. Don't tell me you're slowing down. You drive like an old woman! On mascara, yeah? What are you doing?! Back off, buddy! She's mine! Oh, it's you, miss. You lived up to your reputation. The job is yours. I have a good job. How much do you make at this good job? 475 a week plus the tips. How would you like to make 2,000 a week plus room and board? When do I show up?! Tomorrow morning. 7am. You'll be driving Clark Devlin, Mr Tong. Good day, miss. Now, you! Out of here! Good morning, Mr Tong. You put your face on without me, huh? Please. Have a seat. Those are the house rules. Memorise them. Especially number one. "Never talk directly to Mr Devlin." Any questions, you'll find all the answers in there. If I were you I'd get rid of the mildew on the chin. My soul patch? Yeah. You like working for this Devlin guy? I don't work for him. (DOOR SLAMS) I'm no driver but that thing you're staring into is designed for the monitoring of traffic, not passengers. Am I wrong? Well, I'm really enjoying our time together. Shall we try moving? Wallace has been my partner for years. Something's happened to him. He wouldn't just disappear. Now, find my partner. "Tell me how?" You're an intelligence agency. Be intelligent! "I don't understand." Call me back when you do understand. (CAR RADIO PLAYS) Did we take the Balsam Road exit? You have to take the surface street. Sorry. Did you get a copy of the rules? Did you read them? Jimmy, let me tell you something, my friend. I hate rules. Take Grant Boulevard. We've lots of time. Thank you. (SPEAKS CHINESE) And, Jimmy,... ..crank the music up. Yes, sir! Deputy Director Chalmers. Ladies. Gentlemen. I present Special Agent Wallace,... deceased. Two days, 14 hours, 5 minutes. Interesting. Why don't you tell me a little about him? In simplest terms, he drowned in his bath tub. Contusion here suggests he hit his head. The man infiltrated a Serbian death squad with not even a scratch. He goes down in a bath tub? Life's a bitch. Put him back in the fridge. He didn't drown, sir. > He was murdered. Does that make life a little less bitchy? And you would be...? That's Del Blaine, sir. She's having a filter put between her brain and mouth next week. He didn't drown? There was water in his lungs but the pulmonary vein was filled with collapsed platelets, indicative of dehydration. He died of thirst. Thirst? And it wasn't just city tap water. The mineral profiles are high in bottled water but it contained bacteria I haven't so far been able to culture. Anyway, I didn't mean to interrupt. The woman knows a lot about water. She thinks she knows about a lot of things. We have a special situation in the field. We could use your talents. You interested? When do I start? You ever hear of Clark Devlin? Rumours and innuendo. I could tell you about Devlin. Can we keep our minds out of the gutter? Meet me upstairs in an hour. You might just become Clark Devlin's next partner. I'll need that gerris marginalis as soon as possible. My contacts in Guatemala have what you're looking for, I'm sure. Good. And, Maiwa,... ..I'll take one of these beautiful eudicella marginalis. Just gorgeous. Now, you're gonna call me? Is your number on file? We have trouble with the phones. It might be better if you bring it yourself. It may take a while. Why not familiarise yourself with the route? There's a gathering at my house tonight, a fundraiser for the museum. I would so love to have you. (MOUTHS) Should I send a car? I drive myself. Admirable. Eight o'clock. Don't be too distracting or no-one will get their cheque books out. How did you learn to be so smooth? I've seen you drive. You have the same instincts. It's confidence. The girl in the art gallery isn't beyond you. You know about her? Every time we leave the house we go by the art gallery and slow down. You just need a little polish. I'll never be a Clark Devlin. There's less to Clark Devlin than meets the eye. A couple of good lines and very expensive suits. Apart from that, we're the same. And 200 million. Trust me. 90 per cent of it is clothes. The other ten per cent? That's in there and you've got plenty of it. Oh, Mr Devlin,... can I ask you a big favour? Yeah? Can I stop wearing my hat? Alright. Thank you. Just stay smooth. Smooth. Thank you. Steena? Devlin. This driver, this Jimmy, I like him. Let's get him a proper suit. Something sexy. You pick it out. Alright. Always a delight talking to you, too, darling. Home, James. Absolutely, Mr Devlin. (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Watch your step. Thank you, sir. This definitely not a rental. (MIMICS) Hello. My name is Clark Devlin. Would you like to dance? Would you like to dance? (LAUGHS) Admirable. There is just one rule. Never touch my tuxedo. I didn't! Good. Don't. Yes, sir. Jimmy,... get the car. Let's go for dinner. Yes, sir. 1 What'll you have? It's my treat. Anything. Two whoppers. Hold the onion. Extra ketchup. Toast the bottom one. Medium, well done. Two large fries. Two chocolate milk shakes. That's it. "Your order's ready. Pull forward." That's pretty quick. It's fast food. Anything else? A personal pizza. Crispy crust. He doesn't eat out much. They don't serve pizza at Burger... New item, huh? Do you have a chicken chow mein? Thank you. Jimmy. Yes? It's a Drive Thru. Let's drive. Watch out! (BEEPS) Watch it, man! Sorry, pal. Let's go. Why are we running away from a skateboard? I think it's a bomb. Ha-ha. I thought you said bomb. What do you mean, "a bomb"? No Good! Out! Mr Devlin...! Move! Jimmy, you OK? I'm fine. You OK, boss? Yeah. Yeah. All in a day's work, eh? Oh! Mr Devlin! I think I need an aspirin. Who did this to you? Walter Strider. Walter Strider? He's the one? Walter Strider. Walter,... Walter Strider. No police. OK. I need ambulance right now! His name is - Trust nobody. His name is... (BEEPS) ..Brad Dillford? Wear it. Wear... Boss! Boss! '(SIRENS)' Come on, boss! I'll take care of you. Walter Strider. Huh? Sir! Please wait in the waiting room! I will find Walter Strider! Hey! I'm sorry. I promise. Why do you want my mother's name? Last time she was here, I was born. I'm sure my Dad had something to do with that. Dr Angelo. Where's Dr Angelo? Dr Angelo. Are you Dr Angelo? Dr Angelo. Dr Angel... Hey! There's no smoking in a hospital! I was nervous. How is he? He'll be here a while. You might want to get him some things from home in case he comes to. He had this in his hand. I don't know if it means anything. I do need Dr Angelo. Dr Angelo. Dr Angelo is on holiday today. Oh, my God! Yeah. I'll tell you, I'm pretty excited. I mean, nervous, but I'm excited. I knew I was doing good work but I didn't know Mr Banning would be taking so much notice of me so soon. When I'm CEO of this place I won't be having my headquarters in the bottom of a boat, you know? Why did you choose Mr Lundeen? He questioned my growth projections. (METALLIC CLANG) No, that's not it. I don't like his hair. Mr Banning. So, word filtered down to me that you don't share my optimism about our company's future. Oh, no, actually, I just - Drink? Oh, yes, thank you. I just felt that to meet your projections, everyone on Earth would have to drink only Bannings Springs Water. Yes, indeed. Water, Mr Lundeen, comprises 60 per cent of your body. It's incredible that two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom can combine to create something so beautiful, so useful. So essential. I find water to be... miraculous. Do you think I'm silly? Not at all. (CLEARS THROAT) Feeling thirsty? Yes. You're helping me out by being a guinea pig for a new product. Oh, I see. What a brilliant idea. Water that makes you thirsty. What's in it? Salt? There's no profundity in salt. No, no. Bacteria. Once ingested, it's DNA will instruct your cell's cytoplasm to spill electrolytes into your bloodstream causing dehydration. (SPLUTTERS) It's virulent but, unfortunately, it's too fast. Way too fast. As we speak, your internal organs are shrivelling. You're becoming as dry as,... ..well, as dry as your limited imagination. Gentlemen, fetch the vacuum, won't you? Thank you. Schiffer. Schwartzkopf. Sondheim. Springsteen. No Strider. (BUZZES) Wow! (BEEPS) (BUZZES) "Welcome to the Tactical Uniform Experiment." "Tuxedo recognising new user." "Mapping user's neurological structure." "Activate wristwatch for desired function." (BEEPS) Demo. OK, show me. Oh-oh! "Caution, demolition mode." "The tuxedo will consider any object a target and act to destroy it." Oh, my God! "Exit the demolition mode immediately." # Burn, baby, burn # Disco inferno # Burn, baby, burn # Burn that mother down # Burn, baby, burn # (INTERCOM BEEPS) "Mr Devlin, is everything alright?" This is Jimmy. Mr Devlin wants you to clean his room tomorrow. It's a little bit messy. I think he threw a party. "Should I send someone up now?" No! After he leaves. "Very good." (PHONE RINGS) Huh? Argh! (DIAL TONE/PHONE RINGS) Hello? Are we on? Are we on what? I take my work seriously, Mr Devlin, so, please stop using that ridiculous accent. What accent? OK, you're the senior officer. I'll play it your way. Diedrich Banning is meeting water CEOs. The agency wants us to find out what he's planning. What about Walter Strider? Who is he? I don't know. You tell me. OK. We will meet tomorrow. V-15. Ten o'clock. I'll wear a grey suit. Your code is,... "Nice rack." I'll respond,... "I forgot my bra." That passes for humour around here. Ten o'clock. V-15. What's the cross street? Very funny. (CLEARS THROAT) May I join you? Er, yeah. Nice rack. (LOUD SLAP) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Mr Devlin, there's been a change of plans. But I'm here. Where are you? They just told me so I'm telling you. "We'll meet tonight, 8 o'clock. Pier 17. Base of the silo." And forget the password. Now you tell me. There he is! That's him! I gotta go! See you tonight. Sorry. That's him! Get him! Stop! Get back here you creep! 1 We've got five minutes to get into position. I've secured the rooftop. I have to say, it's such an honour to be working with the legendary... ..Clark Devlin? I-I'm Del Blaine. Have we met before? No. Good. OK, Del Blaine, let's do what we come here to do. I'll follow you. Ladies first. OK. Details have changed from the files. Files are crap. Give me the short version. Banning's meeting international water company CEOs. He's trying to force them to sell their companies to him. Where are you going? Uh? I'm thinking. Agent Wallace was working undercover at his factory until last week. Wallace calls us on his cell phone and, suddenly, wham! Dead! As you requested, a bolt-action 9mm, titanium folding stock with 20-time infrared sniper scope and counterweighted barrel. My favourite gun. But I don't kill people any more. Killing? You're planting a bug. It was all in that "crap" file. Go look through your binoculars! (BEEPS) (BUZZES) They're arriving. Ready? It's critical we get a listening device in the meeting. (BEEPING) Range, 962 feet. Aim for the briefcase. It should be a piece of cake for you, sir. (SCREAMS) You, kind of, missed. (BEEPS) (BUZZES) (METALLIC CLANG) In the year 2001, $35 billion worth of bottled water was consumed worldwide. Today, bottled water costs more per gallon than gasoline. We, my friends, are the new oil barons. (RADIO) "We have developed a new process "that will protect your assets against a biological holocaust." Looks like we got company. CSA would be my bet. You've heard me. Now, I'd like to hear you. How much is this plan gonna cost us? It won't cost you a penny out of pocket. All I ask is to become your slightly-more-than-equal partner. Banning's got a process to make water safe but he wants half of their companies. He's trying to muscle them into selling him their companies. Their water companies are in danger. Something about a process against more deadly forms of bacteria. I can barely hear him. Do you want to listen? What do you think? Del Blaine! I'll be there in a minute. Yeah, I'd really like some help here, sir. Del Blaine! Do you hear me, sir? I know this isn't exciting but could you humour me with just a little professionalism? I'd really love some help. What are you doing? What's with the jumpy-jumpy? Take off the earphones! What? Earphones! OK, chapter six of the manual. Unarmed assailant. Frontal attack. Begin! Stomach! Head! Stomach! Head! (GRUNTS) Uh! Argh! What's my name?! Yeah! Where the hell have you been?! Stop pushing... Argh! My hand! (SQUEALS) Yeah! Not bad! Sir?! Sir! Are you OK, sir? Oh! Don't let go! (SCREAMS) You're ripping my sleeve! You're... (SCREAMS) No, no, no! My... Sir! My ring. (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Oh, my... This was not part of the plan! Del Blaine? Del... (METALLIC CLANGING) Confidence. De... (MOUTHS) Moron! Not in the manual! Freak! Del Blaine! Stop! Ow! Get off of me! Why didn't you stop? What the hell is wrong with you?! How do you fall off a building and end up...? Argh! You OK? Would you stop that?! It's OK. I am in a car with a psychopath! We are not safe! Are you upset? Why would I be? I've always wanted to end my career with a big, fat failure! Thank you very much, Mr Devlin! It's my first time! I mean,... every mission is my first time. It's so difficult being Clark Devlin. Sorry. (SCREAMS) Oh! I didn't do that! What is... ..wrong with you?! I'm not who you think I am. Stay away! I'm a little over-amped myself! Let's get some rest and medication. What? We'll be in communication. Oh. I don't have your phone number. 1 Who am I kidding? I've no idea what I'm doing or why. I felt the same on my first assignment. Then I met Clark Devlin and life got better. And more complicated. Can we get a close...? How do we pan? Hit the second button. They all warned me he was unorthodox but he's bordering on nutso! We'll just get, er... That's it. There. That's it. Look at that. Move it over just a bit. He's getting to you, isn't he? "He got under my skin once." And I'm still feeling it. Yeah. You told me. What about his English? I can't understand him but don't you love his accent? She can't hear anything, can she? No, I don't think... Whoa! I wish I was still in the field. How do you like me now? She's got issues, man. Holy... Can your girlfriend shoot... A groin out of a target? Let's go. Let's get our nails done. OK. Have a nice day, boys. They run out of, "Get well soon." You said wear this but I don't know. Being Clark Devlin is not easy. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? So, Mr Devlin, how are you feeling today? Not so good, I'm afraid. You've got a few hours to pull yourself together. What do you mean? After the bug fiasco we have only one choice. Level one surveillance. In other words...? "Infiltration." Banning will be at the Lanford Hotel with three of his new partners. Chalmers will get us at the next table. Is this a black tie event? No. Wear what you want. Maybe we can find Walter Strider. Meet you there at eight. (GRUNTS) What? Mr Clark Devlin. Walter... Strider. What are you doing?! Uh? (GASPS) He needs help. Security! Security! # At # last # My love # has come along # My lonely days # are over # Del Blaine. Hey. I know how partial you are to that suit so I got gussied up. Good job. You gussie very well. Oh, and here's a little something for you. Oh. Thank you. Sorry, I don't have anything for you. It's a video camera. Shh! We don't want everybody to know. Sorry. Good evening. Good evening. Name, please? Name? Erm... Lincoln. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Washington. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Washington. You're a billionaire and you try to grease the guy with seven bucks? You think I have money to throw away? You on the list? Let me talk to him. No, we'll do this my way. I've got a T-135 disorientation module. You just stand there. Hi. Could you hold this for me? Oh, thanks. Now, where did I put those tickets? Hi, Snowman. What's happenin', Snowman? What's happening, Snowman? What's happening, Snowman? Oh! Hey! I can't believe it. James Brown. The godfather of soul. Hello, Mr Brown. What's happening?! We came to see your show. She forgot to make our reservations. Don't worry. I can get tickets for you. Thank you very much, Mr Brown. See? Things work out. One more thing I'd like to say. It's not the in-thing to compliment a young lady, but I just got to let you know that you got a nice rack. Ah! Thank you, Mr Brown. Enjoy the show. What is wrong with you?! He fell down by himself! You killed James Brown! No. He's fine. No, he's not fine. And Banning is gonna leave. Don't panic. Oh, my God! Are you praying? Miss Cleo told me this would happen. 4.99-a-minute Miss Cleo? Just tell them Mr Brown is not here. There will be another act. Nice to meet you. 'And, right now,... ..it is... ..star time!' If you will, ladies and gentlemen, introducing the hardest working man in show business, Mr Dynamite,... ..James Brown! Er, ladies and gentlemen,... What's going on?! > ..Mr James Brown will not be appearing tonight due to unforeseen circumstances. But stay right where you are because the Lanford Hotel is really proud to present the last emperor of soul. And, um, well,... here he is! (AUDIENCE GROANS) (BOOING) Hi. Whoo! Hi, everybody. Good evening. How are we tonight? Go home! (BOOING) Who wants to get funky? Go ahead and make it funky. Yeah. (BAND PLAYS) # Get up! # Get on up # Get on up, y'all # Get on up # Get on up # Get on up # Get on up # Get on up # Stay on the scene # Get on up # Get on up # Like a sex machine # Get on up # Get on up # Get on up # Get on up # Stay on the scene # Get on up # Get on up # Like a sex machine # Get on up # Get on up # Wait a minute, shake your arms # Then use your form # Stay on the scene # Like a sex machine # You got to have the feeling # Sure as you were born # Get it together # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on # Right on, right on (SQUEALS) Good God! I saw you have fun up there. That's what agents do (!) Would you stop! I'd like to get to Banning's table before morning. Hey! Slut! Thanks! I hate celebrities who brush off friends. Banning's girlfriend has been drinking. She might... Clark! Yes? Stop! Get on the scene, sex machine. < Great job, man. Hi. Hi. Good evening. Well, we're all vaguely honoured you could join us, I suppose. Singing is my favourite type of music. Oh. Admirable. Regrettably, this is my vacuous fiance. I think her name is Cheryl something. Charmed. I could look at you all day. You ever dance unprofessionally,... ..Emperor? Let's see what I can do. Oh, excuse us. Of course. You know how to Mambo? I hope so. (SQUEALS) Mmm. '92 Disaronno. A gentle bouquet with a hint of vinyl polychloride. Earthy, yet, ethereal. Cheers. (GLASSES CLINK) Oops! I spilled it. You and Banning seem very close. Tell me about his work. I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about you. You're such a handsome devil. So are you. When I can't sleep at night, which is quite often, I step into my laboratory and play. It's not work, you see, it's glorious... ..wet... play. Well, maybe I can... ..come over and play. That would be very nice. Thing is, I ha... I have a small problem... ..trusting people. I don't know if I can trust myself with you, Diedrich. Maybe we can come up with a way for you to... Her name's Del Blaine. She's CSA. Oh, bloody hell! He drives a BMW registered to Clark Devlin. You told me you'd dealt with Devlin with the skateboard bomb. He looks pretty alive to me. Pretty good dancer. You want me to do something about that? No. Maybe the rancid tart might be of some use for once. Get the boys. Whoo! I am so bushed! I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. Unfortunate interruptus. So, my long streak of love, here is the key to the hospitality suite, should you need to spend the night. Goodbye. Well, I think I'll just go up to room 7-2,... excuse me, 6-8, and take a long, hot bath... ...in room 7-2-6-8. Good night. Good night. Once again we end up with nothing. I can get her to talk. And say what? (MIMICS CHERYL) Oh, Emperor, would you sign my bra? Oops! I'm not wearing one. What is it with you and bras? She has information. Right. That's why you have to go to her room. You have never seen my work. This is what Clark Devlin does best. Can I go home? No, you have to cover me. With what? Penicillin? Huh? Fine. I'll be waiting by the pool. Wait. What's her room number again? (MIMICS CHERYL) 7-2-6-8. 7-2-6-8. 7-2-6-8. 7-2-6-8. 1 LOU RAWLS' 'YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LIVE LIKE MINE' Yoo-hoo! Cheryl! Hey, you little devil! What kind of bubbles do you like? Little,... ...or big? Hang it for me, will you? So, I know you can dance. What else can you do? Get on the bed. I'll show you. OK, Mr Devlin, let's see your magic. "Oh! Oh, my God! Your hands are like a machine." I am never working with him again. So, tell me about Diedrich's good friend, Walter Strider. (GROANS) Never heard of him. But I know dry Martini. Maybe someone should mix us a couple. Y-O-U. Spells you. Oh! You're smart. Really? And a good speller. Thanks. I graduated top two-thirds of my sixth grade class. What a gentleman. Look, it's cocktail Barbie. Take your clothes off and stay. I like my clothes on! Kinky boy. Where did you get that pin? Oh, Diedrich. Wanna have a closer look? Huh? Sorry. Look at the time. I gotta go! Oh, Emperor! (GRUNTS) (SQUEALS) Come on! Emperor! Argh! Oh, where are you going? Naughty boy! I adore romance when it's rough. "Ow!" Get back here! Take a bath! Oh, yes, because I've been a dirty, dirty girl. Go fill the tub! Do you like bubbles? Hot bubbles! Yippee! Go! Go! # Tiny bubbles in my bath # # Makes me feel fine # Come on. Her voice reminds me of my mother! Is that room service? What's happening? 'What's going on under those cute little boxers of yours?' 'Emperor, the bubbles are perfect!' 'Come to mama, Emperor!' Coming! 'Help!' (SCREAMS) What kind of game is it?! Del Blaine. Del Blaine. (SCREAMS) Sorry! This is not what I signed up for! < Emperor! Shh! She's in the bath. What happened to your nose? Come on! Sorry! Honeymooners. Yeah. Some things never change. Emperor! Emperor, come back! Please! Ooh! Get going! Ouch! Can't you do anything? Why are you so mad? Oh, gee, let me think (!) Because big, ugly men are trying to kill me? Because I got a millionaire playboy dilettante for a partner? You don't care how you make people feel. I happen to be an extremely sensitive person. Ow! OK, you think you know feelings. Look at me. How do I feel? Sick. Sad! What about now? Constipated. Creepy! Horny. Ha-ha-ha! Is funny! Uh-uh-uh! Is angry! Argh! Is crazy! You know nothing! This is why you have no boyfriend. No wonder you didn't get anything from Benny. Oh! Right! I didn't get anything except where his frigging lab is! Where? Let's see the great master agent can figure it out. Banning sometimes has trouble sleeping. Big secret. All men have trouble sleeping. Sometimes at night he works in his lab. He sleeps in his lab? He sleeps in his bedroom! His lab's in his bedroom? No! Get your facts straight! His lab is at his house! His casa! Where he lives! Get it? Excellent! You passed the test. I'll put in a good word with the boss. Let's go see Chalmers tonight. No. Keep him out of it. Just you and me. If you're so good at this why don't you tell me something about me? OK. You have a big crush on me. And I know your name's Del Blaine. First of all, you wish. And... my real name is Delilah. Delilah? Suits you. Hey. Huh? "Argh!" (SCREAMS) "Oh, Emperor!" Oh, God, Clark. Isn't anything sacred? "Ow! Boxers are so sexy!" It's the driver! 1 Thank you. Invitations? Oh, yes... Why don't you offer him five bucks? I have them somewhere. Nice party, huh? So, strong, silent type. That's the whole bouncer package. (BEEPS) I didn't mean your package. Thank you,... ..Dr Schwartz. Shalom. Come, darling. Product launch my ass. Let's go find Banning's lab. Let's go. Are you trying to get me alone? Where'd they go? Don't tell me the great Clark Devlin can't come up with an answer. Although... he can walk on water. It's a trick,... right? (METALLIC GRINDING) Come on! Wow! Mr Devlin likes insects, too. What? Oh! Er, I mean, sometimes I speak of myself in the third person. Hmm. Del Blaine thinks you're a freak. 'Have you cleaned the tanks?' What are they doing? I don't know. Go sweep the tunnels. Don't use the blower! I can tell the difference. And don't touch the tequila. It's for me and Mr Banning. Whatever you say, Dr Simms. Louder! (BOTH) Yes, Dr Simms! < We better hope the little ones follow the queen. If they don't, they're worthless. Follow the queen? You've seen Cheryl. Maybe he's gay. Cheryl! No! Let's get out of here. Let's go have a smoke. This stuff still stinks. Hey. How did you...? Whatever. Look at this. He's pinpointed the reservoirs. He's poisoning the water? Not with that. It's too detectable. Let's check on the computer. Now you're thinking. (BEEPING) Who are they? They shouldn't be in the lab. Let's go. Oh, my God! Oh, your God, what? DNA recombinant microbes carrying a T-4 gene. English. Genetically induced hydrogen-oxygen barrier. Normal person's English. Dehydrating water. Drinkers shrivel and die. But how is he possibly going to introduce it into the water supply? (METALLIC CLANG) I think we better go. Wait! Over there by the wall. (BEEPING) There's nobody here. Check the hatchery. You're on my foot. What was that about? Shh! Go! How did they miss us? What are they? Blind? Don't look up my skirt! P M DAWN'S 'SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS' 1 Banning's got the bacteria but there is no way to get it to the water. Maybe with aeroplanes. Not possible. Even if he got it to a reservoir an alarm would trigger the second the surface of the water is broke. You're really smart. It's an act. I'm an inexperienced girl trying to bluff her way through. You are? Stop humouring me. Just be honest. Honest? Alright. You think I'm the great Clark Devlin. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Hello? Steena, I can't talk right now. Yeah. Yeah, I can handle it. Bad news? Can we go somewhere... alone? Sure. I didn't know you were so strong. Take off your clothes! Let's not do anything we'll regret. Take off your clothes! What's happening? I knew you weren't Clark Devlin! Take off the tuxedo! I wanted to tell you but I just... Take off your clothes! (TOILET FLUSHES) What is that? Hey! You! Out here! OK. Take the clothes! OK. Slow down. My name's Jimmy Tong, Mr Devlin's driver. He asked me to find Walter Strider. No more lies! Give me the watch and shoes. Did you think you'd get away with this? Things happened. I decided to go with the flow. What about the underwear? They're mine. I-I mean... my roommate's. Jimmy? Suits you. These are my roommate's, too. Go finish your business. Excuse me! Have you see the Emperor? No! Can't leave without saying goodbye to the host. I was looking for him. I'll take you to him. A big terrier with a little rat. I think she was in the lab. Well. At least your interest in water was genuine. Look, I'm here because of you. You want to know if I can be trusted? I'll bet this tux is just... your size. Thank you. (BUZZES) (BEEPS) (BEEPING) We got a location on Blaine, sir. How long till we get to her? 20 minutes. I've transmitted the coordinates. 'Dear Mr Devlin, I did the best I could, but it was not good enough. I did not find Walter Strider for you.' 'I also lost your tuxedo.' 'I'm sure you will get it back.' 'I guess I will go back to being what I was before I met you.' Water strider. Water strider. Water strider! Stupid! My beautiful little darlings. Gerris argentatus. Species native to southeast Asia. Commonly known as the water strider. Walter Strider? Yes, the water strider. Very good! Brilliant. They land on the reservoirs. Their feet transfer deadly bacteria without breaking the surface so no alarms sound and it looks like a nasty little trick of nature. Fortunately,... ..there is one drinkable water source. Yours! (LAUGHS) Diedrich, you're a genius. Too bad it won't work. Oh, you're so wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! It will work because my plan is perfect. So sorry, Mr Banning, it's your plan, and mine, and... ..it's ours. Shut up! Explain. Oh, alrighty. The life cycle of the gerris argentatus begins with mating. Something Dr Simms is not personally familiar with. Anyhoo, the insects swarm to fresh water where fertilised eggs are deposited on the underside of lotus leaves and hatch into larvae. Spare me the Discovery Channel blather. (SNIGGERS) Tell me why it won't work. Yes, tell us. Why it won't work. This is the northern hemisphere, correct? You incubated insects native to the southern hemisphere. So, simply, it is too cold for them to mature... ..sexually. Much like Simms, here. Therefore, they won't mate. Therefore, they won't seek out water. Is this true? No, I knew a girl once, in college, quite well. Very well. And then, you remember cousin Doris? No, Simms, the bugs! The bugs? Ah! You're not gonna believe this hoochie, are you, Mr Banning? Oh, yeah? Ask him if I lied about the tuxedo. That tuxedo is... It's alright, it's... Alright? That is the most incredible piece of technology on the planet and I am laying it in your... ..big, hot hands. Mr Banning, release the bugs. Do it. You might win second prize at a junior high school science fair but forget world domination. Slip into it, Diedrich. See how it feels. 'The other ten per cent is in there and you've got plenty of it.' Hey, Dr Scwartz. Tell your boss Clark Devlin is back. 1 Drapes nicely. (BEEPS) It certainly puts a spring in one's step. Happy to lighten your loafers. One question. Why are you doing this? (ALARM SIRENS) What the hell is this? This is where 50 Commandos storm in, take you, your pretentious accent, your jackass sideburns to the federal penn, where, guess what? All they serve is highly chlorinated... tap water! Presenting Clark Devlin. Have I told you how amazing you look in this tuxedo? Urgh! Simms, prepare for release. A pleasure, sir. (COMPUTER) "Outer doors opening. Water sources targeted. "Pods will begin releasing striders in five minutes." "Maturation level, 85 per cent." Why are you here? To save you. Great! What about the big guys with guns? For years I've heard about you. Now we finally meet I find that the great Clark Devlin is nothing more than an ordinary man who's about to die an extraordinary death. You're right. Except for one thing. My name's Tong. James Tong! (CHOKES) You OK? Er, Jimmy, is there something you wanna tell me? Later. Oh, you've got a good suit as well. Alright! "X-4 genome and water striders 100 per cent mature. "Bacteria drop sites identified. "Pods now opening." What are you doing?! No! No! She's ruining everything! "Electrical malfunction. Hatchery doors disengaged." Ha! I knew girls like you in high school. Yeah? Did they do this? Uh-huh. They did. Mr Banning, you must open the hatch manually! Sod off! "Manual hatch release required." "Manual hatch release required." "Rotate valve counter-clockwise to open hatch." Get off! Bloody open! "Hatch releasing. Hatchery doors opening." "Airborne striders awaiting queen release." "Hatchery doors opening." Clark, I mean, Jimmy, help me! I'm busy! "Water striders ready for release. Bacteria-laced microbes activated." His head's about to explode. Look at him. Look at him! You might know a few tricks but you're just a sad, pathetic man. Smoking's bad for your health. You OK? By the way, nice going. Millions of people are gonna die of dehydration. You left the hatch open. They're not flying away. What are they waiting for? They are waiting... to follow the queen! "Airborne striders awaiting queen release." Oh, my God! You're right. The queen will lead them to freshwater sites. Grab it before it's released! (ALARM BUZZES) "Queen disengaged. Alert. Queen disengaged." Let's go! They've got the queen! You dropped it! (GASPS) (SQUEAKS) Don't move! Ow! (YELLS) (GURGLES) Excuse me. Sir. Excuse me. I deserve to see this. Urgh! (ALARM BLARES) Trouble. OK, OK, make hustle, ladies! Let's go! Let's go! Watch out! Hey, pal! Nice suit! It's OK, kitten, everything's alright. It's not OK! You just decked the hero! I'm a genius and I can testify for immunity. Also, I'm from a neutral country... Looks like we got here just in time. To what? Take credit? Hilarious, Blaine. Winton Chalmers, CSA, I spearheaded the operation. I bet you're Jimmy Tong? Here's your tuxedo. You happy now? I will be when it's back at HQ. Blaine. Not a bad job for your first time in the field. I didn't do it alone. She always says nice things about me. You deserve the credit. It's an honour to help the United States. I feel exactly the same way. You can't expect to get away with a bureaucratic pat on the butt. Well, I'm hoping to. (LAUGHS) Ooh! Man down, people! Well,... there is one thing you can do for me. Tracking systems locked on. Anybody screws up and your ass is mine! Block this end of the street. T minus 30 and counting. Is everyone in position? 'Flower lady! Hotdog vendor! Go!' 'Replace the hotdog vendor. Let's go!' (RADIO) "The street's secure. Oh-oh, bike messenger." Hostile forces! "Randall, take him out." "Roger. 214 descending." "Advance the lead operation vehicle." 'Bring in the package for us.' "Roger. The package is on the move." Alright, ladies and gentlemen. It's show time. How's our package? I'll forget what to say! You can do this! Focus! Go! Huh? Go! "Package dropped." "Roger. Target locked." Jimmy, what do you say? The name's Tong. James Tong. I'm the man. I'm the man. (RADIO) "Did you tell him to say that?" "No! Well, sort of." "God!" "Relax, he's just pumping out pheromones." "Clark, shut up." "Package is locked on target." Why did you wear those pants? "What's he stopping for?" "Have you seen her?" "She's out of his league." "Shh!" "That's the gallery owner." "Amanda. Quietly. Nice. Clark, please, would you focus?" He's about to speak. Open your mouth. Hi. Hi. That's the girl? She's not that pretty. (RADIO) "Smile. Come on." "Move on to something else." (BOTH) He doesn't look so good. (BOTH) He doesn't look so good. Give him a line. Steena! Shut up! Look into her eyes. "Looks like he's hyperventilating." Don't listen to them. I can't think with you screaming in my ear! Not you. Her! No! Her! Her! Look deep into her eyes and tell her you dreamt about her last night. Be quiet! Del, will you shut up! Er... Don't take advice from women about women. "Shut up!" The voice is screaming in my ear! "If you can hear me wipe that look off your face." Remember me? Hooters. Soul patch. "Doh!" "Oh, no!" I'll have to ask you to leave. I'm the love of my life. "No, no!" You're the love of my life! "Never tell them you love them." Can you have dinner with me? Out! Pretty sure he crapped his pants. I just wanna - Out! Now! Lunch? "We're terminating this mission! Pack it up and roll!" I think I blew it, Mr Devlin. Trust me. You didn't blow it, you outgrew her. Maybe. "Tell you what. Take the weekend off." Monday we'll head for somewhere with prospects. How about Monte Carlo? Sounds good. Thanks, Mr Devlin. Thanks, everybody. "It's OK, Jimmy. Hang in there." "Next time." If you were trying to get her to notice you, mission accomplished. What's next? Running at her with a knife? It's difficult for me! What is so hard? Just say something like, "Wanna go get some coffee?" When I'm around beautiful women I can't talk! Sure. Beautiful women. You know. A real knockout. Like the beautiful lady in the gallery. Thank you very much! What's wrong? Nothing! What? You can't tell how I feel? You look sad. No. Sick? No. Constipated? No! A little. Tell me. What's wrong. It's just that no guy would ever do for me what you did for her. Or, tried to do. You know why? Because... you are a pain in the butt! Yeah. Nice working with you, too. Hello. Delilah. Excuse me. You wanna have a coffee? I only drink organic green tea. Ah! Wrong answer! You're never gonna have a boyfriend. Fine! Coffee. I love coffee. You learn quick. Is that your happy face or your horny face? I'll tell you later. James. James Tong. Er, I couldn't tell you what I'm about to say. I'm sorry. The bird hit the guy! < Is this a bunch of crap? Is this a bunch of crap? OK. You think I'm speak very good English, huh? What's in your head flies out your mouth. What's in your mouth... It's OK. Cut! No wonder. This is why you don't have a boyfriend. Frog? Front! Look at her ugly face. Every time I use it she just like this. How can I act? Can we do a single on me? No! Urgh! No, no, no! Cut! Cut! Miss Farmer take us to the lab. Who? Miss F... I got the happy partner over here. Jimmy, what do you s...? (LAUGHS) She's spoiled the whole movie. Waste of film. Waste of time. What is she doing? Hit me! You're fast. But I'm faster. Good God!