THE TEAM WASN'T HAPPY WHEN PAULINE ORGANISED A GAME OF NETBALL SO SHE COULD HIT ON GARY. ROSE GOT COMPETITIVE, LAURA GOT UPSET AND BRYNLEY GOT HER PERIOD. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME. DRAMATIC MUSIC THANK YOU ALL FOR MEETING ME HERE ON WHAT I'M SURE IS GOING TO BE A LANDMARK DAY IN SPACE EXPLORATION. YOU HAVE ALL BEEN HAND-SELECTED FOR YOUR BRAVERY, EXCELLENCE AND SERVICE OVER THE YEARS. PLEASURE'S BEEN ALL OURS, SIR. WE'RE ESPECIALLY EXCITED TO BE SENDING OUR FIRST FEMALE EMPLOYEE HERE AT NASA INTO THE GREAT UNKNOWN. I'VE BEEN WAITING MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THIS, SIR. SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I'M OVERJOYED TO PRESENT TO YOU YOUR MISSION. OPERATION 'MEN ARE FROM MARS,... THIS IS` WHAT? '...WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.' WHAT IS THIS? JOHNSON, CARTWRIGHT, EDWARDS, YOU THREE WILL BE CONTINUING YOUR ONGOING EXPLORATION INTO LIVING ON MARS. BOY, HOWDY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE. MY FAMILY WILL BE SO PROUD. NOW, COMMANDER SHEPHERD. YES, CHIEF. (CLEARS THROAT) YOU WILL BE PILOTING OUR VERY FIRST SPACE MISSION TO VENUS. ON MY OWN? WELL, YES. YOU ARE THE ONLY FEMME ASTRONAUT HERE AT NASA, SO YOURS WILL BE A SOLO MISSION. WELL, I'M PRETTY CERTAIN THAT VENUS IS JUST A GIANT BALL OF FIRE. WELL THEN, HOW ARE WOMEN FROM THERE? HM? THAT'S JUST THE TITLE OF A 90S SELF-HELP BOOK. WHAT ARE YOU`? I'M PRETTY SURE I HEARD... SHE'S HYSTERICAL. LOOK, I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE RESEARCHING THE LIVING CONDITIONS ON MARS. WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT VENUS. LITERALLY, IT'S` IT'S JUST A TITLE PAGE. WELL, I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID IT'S A GIGANTIC BALL OF VOLCANIC FIRE. YOU DID SAY THAT. WHY CAN I NOT JUST BE SENT ON THE MISSION TO MARS? MEN: BECAUSE WOMEN AIN'T FROM THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER EMBARK ON A DOOMED MISSION TO AN INHOSPITABLE PLANET THAN SPEND ONE MORE MOMENT IN YOUR COMPANY. YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS. IDIOTS! SO, YES, CHIEF. I WILL ACCEPT YOUR MISSION. AND I WILL TAKE THIS, BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD FOLDER, AND I WANT` DON'T WANNA WASTE THAT. I'M STILL MAD. WELL, THAT WAS JUST UNNECESSARY. I CAN'T WAIT TO FUCK A MARTIAN. (CHUCKLES) CAPTIONS BY CATHERINE DE CHALAIN. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016. I KNOW SOME OF OUR VIEWERS WERE HOPING WE'D BE REVIEWING MILK AGAIN, BUT THERE ACTUALLY AREN'T THAT MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF MILK. BELL RINGS OI! GUYS, YOU'RE 20 MINUTES OVER YOUR ALLOTTED STUDIO TIME. YEAH. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FILM OUR 'GHOSTS WITH UNFINISHED BUSINESS' SKETCH NOW? OK, LET'S WRAP UP WHATEVER THIS THING IS NOW, EH? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE YOUR OWN BED LAST NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE YOU'VE WASHED IT WITH A SHAMPOO THAT'S ALSO A TWO-IN-ONE BODY WASH. (SNIFFS) IT'S THAT IT GUY, ISN'T IT? WHAT? YOU KNOW, WE DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE HOOKING UP WITH HIM. UH, YEAH, AND I WOULDN'T CARE EITHER, BECAUSE HE IS A REALLY ATTRACTIVE GUY WITH A PET TURTLE. PROBABLY. WHERE'S MY COMPUTER? DAMN. I MUST'VE LEFT IT AT GARY'S. COFFEE HUT. GARY'S COFFEE HUT. GARY'S COFFEE HUT, WHERE I GET MY COFFEE. THEN WHERE'S YOUR COFFEE? WELL, CLEARLY I FORGOT THAT TOO, LAURA. OK, NOW, YOU LISTEN UP. I JUST GOT THE RATINGS BACK FROM THE LAST EPISODE, AND WE ARE DOWN IN ALL MALE DEMOGRAPHICS, INCLUDING WHAT WAS OUR ONCE-ROCK SOLID CORE OF ASLEEP DADS. AW, SLEEPING DADS. YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE NOT SLEEPING ANY MORE, ROSE. THEY ARE WAKING UP AND SWITCHING OFF. SO THIS WEEK, I'VE DECIDED TO HAVE A LITTLE EXPERIMENT IN WHICH I HAND OVER THE REINS TO` OOH, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL. OR DEVILS. (YELLS) PAULINE, YOU DUFFER. YOU LEFT YOUR LAPTOP AND COFFEE AT GARY'S COFFEE HUT. AH! THANK YOU. WHERE YOU WERE ALSO KISSING THAT IT GUY` OK, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OK. I'VE GOTTA GO AND, UM, FIND MY UNDIE` FIND MY WORK. FIND MY WORK. NO, NO, NO. PAULINE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE US WITH THESE GUYS. UH, YEP. GOTTA GO. I-I-I'VE GOTTA` I'VE GOTTA WORK. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) LADIES, WE GOT A LOT OF IDEAS. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC TAPS ON GLASS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THE PRESENTATION OF THE 21ST ANNUAL SOUTHERN CROSS MEDAL FOR ACTS OF BRAVERY AND HEROISM. AND THE NOMINEES ARE ` CONSTABLE JAN ALICE, FOR ACTING WITHOUT HESITATION TO APPREHEND A VIOLENT OFFENDER, ENSURING THE SAFETY OF ALL THOSE PRESENT. JOHN ADAMSON, FOR HIS ACTIONS AT THE SCENE OF A FIRE, RISKING HIS OWN LIFE TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF ALL THE RESIDENTS IN THE BUILDING. AND LAST ` BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST ` BRAD STEVENSON, FOR HAVING A PLUS-SIZE GIRLFRIEND. OK. DRUM ROLL PLEASE. HANDS DRUM ON TABLETOPS AND THE WINNER IS... BRAD STEVENSON FOR HAVING A PLUS-SIZE GIRLFRIEND. LOUD APPLAUSE MY LATE HUSBAND WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY PROUD. WOW. THANK YOU. UM, FIRSTLY, TO MY FELLOW NOMINEES, UH, I AM HONOURED TO BE IN YOUR COMPANY. PART OF THIS AWARD BELONGS TO THE BOTH OF YOU. NO, IT DOES. IT DOES. UH, TO THE OTHER HEROES AND PREVIOUS RECIPIENTS OF THIS AWARD WHO ARE HERE TONIGHT ` DAVE, WHO DARED TO TRY THE NEW KOREAN RESTAURANT IN HIS NEIGHBOURHOOD, AND KEVIN, WHO INVITED HIS GAY FRIEND MIKE TO HIS STAG DO. I MEAN... AND, UM, FINALLY, TO MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND, IF THERE'S CHOCOLATE INSIDE THIS GOLD AWARD, IT'S YOURS. A TRUE HERO. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC (SIGHS) MATTHEW, YOU LEFT THE BATHMAT ON THE FLOOR ` AGAIN. DO NOT USE MY FULL NAME. I ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW HORRIBLE IT IS TO STEP OUT OF THE SHOWER ON TO A SOPPING WET BATHMAT. DO YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE CHILDREN DYING IN THE WORLD, KEL? AND YOU'RE GOING CRAZY OVER A BATHMAT? OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I'VE SACRIFICED FOR YOU. OH, DON'T PLAY THAT CARD. MALE NARRATOR: SHE SURE WILL PLAY THAT CARD. YOU GOT ME. IT'S THE RELATIONSHIP CARD GAME FOR ADULTS ` 'TO HAVE AND TO HOLD'. WHERE YOU TRY TO GET ONE OVER YOUR OTHER HALF. OH, MUM'S COMING FOR DINNER TOMORROW. ON THE WEEKEND? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING. THAT'S RICH COMING FROM YOU. I SPEND ALL THAT TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY. DON'T YOU PULL THE` 'I DID IT FOR YOU' CARD. YOU GOT ME. (LAUGHS) HE SURE DID. I'LL MAKE A ROAST. PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. NOT TONIGHT, BABES. BUT WE HAVEN'T... YOU KNOW, IN AGES. WHETHER IT'S AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP,... ALMOST, BUT I'M GONNA USE MY TRUMP CARD. ...OR A LIFETIME TIE TO SOMEONE YOU DESPISE,... YOU GOT ME AGAIN. 'TO HAVE AND TO HOLD' IS THE GAME YOU CAN PLAY DAY OR NIGHT. BABY CRIES YOUR TURN. SORRY. YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE CARDS YOU'VE BEEN DEALT. NICE TRY. BECAUSE LOVE IS A COMPETITION AND YOU COULD BE WINNING. 'TO HAVE AND TO HOLD' ` COLLECT AND PLAY THEM ALL. ...ALL THE TIME, AND I'M SICK OF IT. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC CHEERY MUSIC AUDIENCE CHEERS WELL, I WAS GOING THROUGH THE LAUNDRY PILE, AND I FOUND THIS! LAUGHTER ANYONE CARE TO EXPLAIN? ALL: IT'S NOT MINE, MUM. WELL, IT SURE AS SUGARY TITS ISN'T MINE. LAUGHTER FAR TOO SMALL. (WHISPERS) FAR TOO SMALL. LAUGHTER WELL, OWN UP! OR DO I HAVE TO GO AROUND THE TABLE LIKE A BLEEDING CINDERELLA TO SEE WHICH FOOT THE SHOE FITS? HUH? WHO'S WILLY IS THIS? LAUGHTER WHO'S WILLY IS THIS? WHO'S WILLY IS THIS? WHO'S WILLY IS THIS? LAUGHTER NOW THIS IS FUNNY. THIS IS AWFUL. DO YOU NOT THINK WOMEN ARE FUNNY? THAT'S A SHAME. THAT'S NOT A WOMAN. THAT IS A GUY DRESSED IN TERRIBLE DRAG. WHY ARE YOU SHOWING US THIS OLD SHOW FROM 100 YEARS AGO? NO, NO, THIS WAS MADE THIS YEAR. IT'S MRS PUMPERNICKEL, THE BIGGEST SITCOM IN THE COUNTRY. WHAT` THE ACTORS ARE LAUGHING IN THE SCENE AND THEY KEPT IT IN. WHAT IS THIS SHOW? ONLY THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. SURPRISE! IT'S ME! MRS PUMPERNICKEL! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OH MY GO` YOU GUYS CLEARLY MUST HAVE KNOWN HE WAS BEHIND THERE, SEEING AS YOU SET THIS WHOLE THING UP. EXCUSE ME, LAURA. KNOWN SHE WAS THERE. PRONOUNS. SHUT` SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. WELCOME THE NEW ADDITION OF THE SILLY GIRLS TEAM ` MRS PUMPERNICKEL! NO. NO, NO. NO. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LETTING A TERRIBLE ACTOR IN A DRESS JOIN OUR SHOW, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT CALL THE SHOTS. THAT IS` YOU WORK FOR US THIS TIME. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? BUT PAULINE SAID` NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DO NOT CARE, BECAUSE AS SOON AS I FIND PAULINE, I AM GOING TO GET YOU ALL FIRED, OK? I'M SORRY ABOUT SAYING YOU WERE A TERRIBLE ACTOR. YOU ARE` YOU ARE QUITE TRANSFORMATIVE IN IT, BUT I DO NOT WANT YOU AS PART OF THE SHOW. IT'S NOT PERSONAL. WELL, I KNOW WHAT'LL CHEER YOU ALL UP. (WHOOSHING NOISE) SHE BROUGHT IT! SHE BROUGHT THE WILLY! (LAUGHS) WHOSE WILLY IS THIS? WHOSE WILLY IS THIS?! SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER IT'S NOT MINE. IT'S YOUR WILLY! AH! IT'S YOUR WILLY! IT'S HIS WILLY! THANK YOU ALL FOR MEETING ME HERE ON WHAT I'M SURE IS GOING TO BE A LANDMARK DAY IN SPACE EXPLORATION. # UH, YEAH. # UH, UH, UH, YEAH. # PEACEFUL MUSIC LISTEN TO THIS SKETCH THOSE GUYS WROTE. 'INTERIOR: WIKIPEDIA. FEMINISM IS A RANGE OF POLITICAL MOVEMENTS, IDEOLOGIES AND SOCIAL MOVEMENTS.' THEY HAVE LITERALLY JUST COPY-AND-PASTED FEMINISM FROM THE INTERNET. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE PAULINE LEFT US WITH THEM. HONESTLY, I THINK 80% OF THIS SHOW IS JUST US BEING APPALLED AT THINGS. IT'S EXHAUSTING. LAUGHTER NO, THEY'RE` LAUGHTER OH, HEY, GIRLS. HEY, LOOK, I GOT RIPPED JEANS. OH, I'M SO POOR (!) PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB (!) LAUGHTER (LAUGHS LOUDLY) IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH. ROSE, LAURA, WE HAVE SOME RATHER EXCITING NEWS. WE'VE MANAGED TO SECURE BRAND NAME SPONSORSHIP FOR THE SHOW. WHAT, IN THE SPACE OF ONE DAY? MONEY NEVER SLEEPS, AND NOW NEITHER WILL YOU. IT'S A BRAND-NEW ENERGY DRINK CALLED 'DEMON JIZZ'. THE TAGLINE IS 'DEMON JIZZ ` DARE TO SWALLOW?' NOW YOU'LL BE INCORPORATING DEMON JIZZ INTO EVERY ONE OF YOUR LITTLE SKETCHES AS PART OF OUR SPONSORSHIP DEAL. I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK. OH, WELL, YOU CAN BE SICK COS ALL THESE COSTUMES ARE COMPLETELY WIPE-FREE. LIKE, YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A HOT NURSE, BUT YOU'LL FEEL LIKE THE BACK SEAT OF AN OLD COMMODORE. THE LADS AND I HAVE PICKED OUT SOME SEXY COSTUMES FOR YOU TO WEAR IN YOUR SKITS, BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU LIKE TO FEEL SEXY, BECAUSE WOMEN ENJOY SEX NOW. JASMINE, THROW THESE AWAY. (GASPS) OH, YEAH. THESE ARE DISGUSTING. COME ON, LADIES. WE HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU ANY COSTUMES THAT WE WOULDN'T WEAR OURSELVES. AS A FUNNY JOKE WHEN WE'RE REALLY DRUNK. JUST TRY THEM ON. THAT'S ALL WE ASK. WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME PRIVACY. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED. NO RUSH AT ALL. I CAN'T HEAR CHANGING. JUST IMAGINE WE'RE NOT HERE WHILE YOU'RE GETTING NAKED. THEY'RE PROBABLY TAKING SO LONG BECAUSE BRAS ARE HARD TO GET OFF. OH, YEAH. I'VE GOT A FEW TIPS. I JUST GET OUT SOME SCISSORS. SHALL WE ALL TURN AROUND ON THREE AND SEE THEM NAKED? (CHUCKLES) NO. NO, T` THOMAS. GOD, TOM. WE'LL SEE THEM NAKED IF THEY WANT US TO. DON'T SAY ANYTHING IF YOU WANT US TO SEE YOU NAKED. ALL: THREE, TWO, ONE... UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING. NO, WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT TIME IS LINEAR. NO, THAT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU ARE INTENTIONALLY DISREGARDING MY ENTIRE ARGUMENT PERTAINING TO THE EXISTENCE OF FREE WILL. YOU'RE JUST GETTING ON THESE LITTLE TANGENTS. ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT THERE ARE FUTURE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE WITH THE IDEA THAT TIME IS LINEAR. DEMON JIZZ. DEMON JIZZ. HAVE YOU TRIED IT BEFORE? NAH, WHAT'S IT LIKE? IT'S DELICIOUS. (GIGGLES) HERE YOU GO. OH. (CHUCKLES) THANKS. DO YOU GUYS COME WITH THE DRINK? (GIGGLES) OH MY GOD. OH MY GOSH. YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU'RE SO NICE. HAVE AN AMAZING DAY. (GIGGLES) BYE`EE. (GIGGLES) THE CONCEPT OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES IS COMPLETE MYTHOLOGY. OH, HERE WE GO. FRANKLY, I THINK LESS OF YOU FOR ENTERTAINING THE IDEA, TO WHICH YOU ARE WELL AWARE ONLY SERVES TO FACILITATE THE FALLACY THAT WE HAVE ANY MODICUM OF CONTROL OVER OUR LIVES. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE A FATALIST AND A NIHILIST. DEMON JIZZ! AS IF THAT'S A BAD THING. (GIGGLES) IT'S SO NICE. TRY ONE. IT IS A BAD THING. OK. MM-MMM. GO AHEAD. (GIGGLES) OOH. ALMOST AS, UH, BUBBLY AS YOU TWO LADIES. (LAUGHS) YOU'RE TOO CUTE. YOU'RE SO CUTE. (GIGGLES) HE'S SO CUTE. BYE-EE. SEE YA. OK, BYE-EE. (GIGGLES) BYE. (GIGGLES) BYE. BELIEVING IN FREE WILL CLEARLY ONLY EXHIBITS THE ABSENCE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT AND CRITICAL THINKING. SAID BY SOMEONE WHOSE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF THE ABSENCE OF FREE WILL STANDS ON THE SHOULDERS OF A HYPOTHESIS THAT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE. DEMON JIZZ. TRY SOME TODAY. (GIGGLES) UH, APPRECIATE THE OFFER. WE'LL POLITELY DECLINE. THANK YOU. OH MY EFFING G, DID YOU SEE THE KARDASHIANS LAST NIGHT? YES. KIM WAS ACTING LIKE AN EFFING BITCH. WHAT ARE WE DOING? I DUNNO. (SIGHS) YOU HAVE A PHD. YEP. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC I'M SO EXCITED AND COMMITTED. I'LL DO LITERALLY ANYTHING TO BECOME A HEALTHIER VERSION OF ME. THAT'S AWESOME. OK, SO THE LAST THING WE NEED FOR YOU TO DO IS JUST JUMP ON THE SCALES AND WE'LL GET YOUR WEIGHT. SCARY MUSIC FAST-PACED ELECTRONIC MUSIC UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC THIS IS COMMANDER SHEPHERD. IT IS MAY 23RD, 2020, DAY 1089. I, UH, AM ON THE LAST OF MY FOOD RATIONS, AND I HAVE BEEN SURVIVING ON LESS THAN 500 CALORIES PER DAY. I HAVE LOST A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, BUT MY HEALTH CONDITION IS STABLE. UH, AT 1400 HOURS TODAY, ATTACHED BY TETHER, I LEFT VENUS LANDING TO RETRIEVE A PACKAGE FROM NASA ` A PACKAGE SENT TO HELP ME. TO HELP ME SURVIVE. (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) IT'S A BIT OF A JOKE GIFT. UM, A BIT OF A GUILTY PLEASURE OF MINE BACK HOME. YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY. (CHUCKLES) YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY. THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY SAD ONE TO SEND. DIVORCED JULIA ROBERTS. (LAUGHS) IT'S ANOTHER JOKE GIFT. A LOT OF SPACE TO TAKE UP IN THE PACKAGE WITH A JOKE GIFT. MASCARA? IT'S FUCKING MASCARA. A SCENTED CANDLE. I DON'T` WHY YOU THINK I'M GONNA FUCKING LIGHT A GODDAMN FIRE IN SPACE? IT'S PEACH FLAVOURED AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEND FOOD. YOU SENT A F` A FLAVOURED CANDLE. MIX TAPES. MIX T` MIX TAPES? RICK ASTLEY'S 'NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP' (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) IT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY. IT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY, BECAUSE` IT'S FUNNY COS YOU'VE LEFT ME OUT HERE TO DIE WITH MIX TAPES AND SCENTED CANDLES, AND THAT IS FUNNY, ISN'T IT? CREPE PAPER. THAT'S JUST CREPE PAPER, CELLOPHANE, AND THAT'S JUST` THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S N` THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL` (BREATHES SHAKILY) OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE OUT HERE. MADONNA'S 'LIKE A VIRGIN' THANK YOU ALL FOR MEETING ME HERE ON WHAT I'M SURE IS GOING TO BE A LANDMARK DAY IN SPACE EXPLORATION. # UH, YEAH. # UH, UH, UH, YEAH. # (LAUGHS) KNOCK ON DOOR YOO-HOO, PAULINE. WE COULDN'T HAVE A QUICK CHIN-WAG, COULD WE? OUR ALLIES TO WOMEN? ALLIES? ARE YOU IN THE ARMY? (CHUCKLES) NO. UNLESS YOU CONSIDER THE UNITED SUPPORTERS OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS AN ARMY, WHICH I DO, SO YES. PAULINE, WE WANNA TALK WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. MY RELATIONSHIP? WITH MY MOTHER? YEP, SURE. STRAP IN, BOYS. IT'S GONNA GET PRETTY DARK PRETTY QUICKLY. (CHUCKLES) NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT IT GUY, GREG. GARY. MY NAME'S JOSEPH. WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND GREG. NOW, STOP US IF THIS IS NOT OUR PLACE. YEAH, I DON'T THINK IT'S YOUR PLACE. WE JUST DON'T FEEL IT'S VERY FEMINIST TO BE SIDE-LINING YOUR CAREER FOR LOVE. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ALLOW ME TO MANSPLAIN. UH, SURE, YOU COULD GET MARRIED, HAVE THREE BABIES AND ONE OF THOSE LARGE CATS... I THINK HE MEANS A DOG, PAULINE. YEAH, I DO. A DOG. BUT THAT'S WHAT THE PATRIARCHY WANT YOU TO DO. YOU WANNA FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT. FOCUS ON YOUR CAREER AND HELP ACHIEVE EQUALITY FOR ALL OF US WOMEN. 'US WOMEN'? OH, SORRY. I JUST GOT SWEPT UP IN IT FOR A BIT. (CHUCKLES) YOU'VE WORKED YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO GET WHERE YOU ARE, PAULINE. DO YOU REALLY WANNA JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY FOR SOME CUTE GUY? IT'S TIME TO MAKE A DECISION. IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER. YEAH, OK. I-I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. COME ON, PAULINE. DITCH THE ZERO AND GET WITH THE HEROES ` THE HEROES BEING WORKING WOMEN. OK. I CAN DO THAT. WONDERFUL. NOW, HERE IS A LIST OF ALL THE IDEAS WE PITCHED TO THE GIRLS THAT THEY SHOT DOWN, SO IF YOU COULD JUST GO OVER THEIR HEADS AND APPROVE THAT FOR US, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. THANKS. TATA! FANTASTIC. LOVE YOUR WORK, P. BYE-BYE! THANK YOU. DID YOU GET ALL THAT? UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC GRIEG'S 'MORNING MOOD' (SNORES) (MUMBLES) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (SIGHS) 'MORNING MOOD' CONTINUES MORNING, BEAUTIFUL. (SNORES) UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC STRAUSS' 'BLUE DANUBE WALTZ' BUBBLE WRAP POPS WHAT WAS THAT? # LA, LA, LA, LA, LA. # (LAUGHS) BUBBLE WRAP POPS POP MUSIC PLEASE DON'T GO. I DON'T WANNA GET DIVORCED. STEVIE WONDER'S 'I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU' TELL ME YOU DIDN'T FUCK HER. WHO? (CHUCKLES) WHO? THIS BITCH RIGHT HERE. THIS BITCH RIGHT HERE! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T FUCK HER, ALL RIGHT? COS I SMELT WAX ON YOU FROM THE MOMENT YOU WALKED IN HERE. YEAH. YEAH. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PAULINE! PAULINE. PAULINE. PAULINE. PAULINE, YOU'VE GOTTA TELL THOSE IDIOT MEN THAT WE ARE NOT GONNA HAVE A MAN IN DRAG ON OUR SHOW JUST BECAUSE HE IS EXTREMELY POPULAR AND IT WOULD BOOST OUR RATINGS. OK, IT DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD WHEN I SAY IT LIKE THAT, BUT TRUST ME, IT IS BAD. YEAH, YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT THEY CAN'T CHOOSE WHAT WE'RE GONNA WEAR, THEY CAN'T CHOOSE WHO'S GONNA BE IN OUR SHOW AND WE'RE NOT GONNA BE ENDORSING THIS. OK? I SEARCHED THIS ON GOOGLE AND IT IS BANNED IN 15 COUNTRIES, PAULINE. ALSO I SAW SOME PRETTY SHOCKING GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS. PAULINE, WE JUST THINK GARY'S BEEN TAKING UP A LOT OF YOUR TIME LATELY. DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE MOVING A LITTLE TOO FAST? YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SLOW THINGS DOWN, AT LEAST UNTIL YOU SORT OUT OUR PROBLEMS. GODDAMMIT, ROSE. WHAT? THAT WAS SUBTLE AS SHIT. YOU KNOW, YOU TWO SOUND JUST LIKE THEM. WHAT? LIKE WHO? 'PAULINE, PLEASE DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE. PAULINE, DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND. PAULINE, PLEASE FIX OUR PROBLEMS. 'PAULINE, GO OUT AND BUY A LEATHER CAP.' WELL, FINE. I'VE DONE IT ALL. YOU BROKE UP WITH GARY? WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THE LAST ONE? NO, WE DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. WELL, IT'S TOO LATE! I'VE DONE IT! WELL, HOW'S GARY TAKING IT? YOU TELL ME. NOW, I HOPE YOU TWO ARE HAPPY. ENGINE STARTS WHOSE WILLY IS THIS? IS IT`? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! HEY, HEY! HEY, DON'T` DON'T... OH, DON'T D` COME ON. YOU GOT A SPARE DICK? GODDAMMIT. THIS IS EXPENSIVE, MATE. DON'T BLOODY GROW ON TREES. GODDAMMIT. I GOT DUSTY COCK AGAIN. (SIGHS) TONY, YOU GOT THE WET WIPE? CAPTIONS BY CATHERINE DE CHALAIN. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016.