1 (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) D'oh! Wah! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 # Dream. # Dream, dream, dream... # Oh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me. (chuckling) (loud snoring) (groaning) (gagging) (snoring continues) Cool. Mom's on drugs. If we turn her in we get a form letter from Dick Cheney. She's not on drugs. She couldn't sleep because of Dad's chronic snoring. I'm taking him to Dr Hibbert's this afternoon. You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning. (laughing) ("Wooly Bully" playing) I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots. Well, there's a surgical option but it's not cheap. Here's what it costs. Interesting. Here's my counter-offer. (laughing) Get out. (snoring) (snoring) Me, me, me, me, me. (snoring) Me, me, me, me, me. (groans) (horn honking) I'll get it. (all screaming) Pedals, people. So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time. Overnight bag... no husband in sight... It's happened! She left Homer? I'll get the Champale. And let's get that ring off. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah. I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring. Great. We'll have a girls' night. No bras. Ta-dum. (all laughing) Let's catch the tail end of Nooky in New York. Nooky in New York? It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men. That sounds great. ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on BHO... it's Arli$$. (gasping) (gasping) Gentlemen, start your envy. Men's Wealth Magazine has listed the one hundred richest men in the country. And coming in at number five is Springfield native Artie Ziff. Whoa, your old boyfriend. Please. We went out once. Artie made megabucks with a revolutionary invention -- a converter that changes that horrible modem noise... (modem screeching) ...into easy-listening music. ("Georgy Girl" playing) # Hey, com-put-er geek, # you will be connected in no time... # What a catch! Why didn't you sink your claws into him at the prom? Yeah, he was warm for your form. He seemed like a sweet little shrimp,... but then he turned into an octopus. Artie. Artie, no, stop. Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands. Artie, get off of me. Well, I think you should get in touch with him. You know, just to congratulate him on his success. Well, I suppose I could write him a letter. Are you nuts? Email, female. You just tell us what you want to say. (chuckling) OK. Hold on to your hats. Dear Artie... Dear Hottie... ...congratulations on your recent TV appearance. Your love slave, Marge. (gasps) (gasps) (electrical buzzing, insects buzzing) Antitrust suit, antitrust suit... A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence! I was just thinking about her... for the last 20 years! 1 (humming) LISA: Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'? (humming) For you. For you. Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge. (helicopter approaching) Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn. Let's approach with caution. (laughs) Unguarded breakfasts, the sweetest taboo. Well, well, Marge Bouvier. Artie Ziff? Oh... That email. Look, I got a little drunk and... I'm not surprised you want me back in your life. You can't spell party without Artie if you misspell party... or Artie... How you doing? Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married. Married? Was it consummated? What's going on? Homer, don't talk with your mouth full. I've told you before it's rude. Oh-ho, trouble in paradise. Hey, Marge, it's that guy who couldn't get any off you. How would y'all like to take a ride with me? Eh. You're the old flame. Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition. Spill it, moneybags. (chuckles) Yes, I do have everything. But yet, I often wonder what life with Marge would have been like. It's like being married to my best friend. Homer, I will give you $1 million to let me spend a weekend alone with your wife. Hmm, a million dollars. Wait a minute. How much sex would be involved? Cos if it's some... No, no, no. All I want is to show her what life would be like had she chosen me. Artie, that's a sick idea. Come on, Homer, we're leaving. Just think about it. You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, Arr-tie! Hey, where's our parents? (snoring) Hey, Marge, I just thought of something. What?! If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery. Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need. (gasping) No way, no how. I'll get used to the snoring just like I got used to saying Courteney Cox Arquette. (snoring) Honey, did you get any sleep? Oh, I'm so sorry. (snores) Are you snoring while you're awake? Uh... (snores) huh. You need that surgery. We'll have to call Artie. OK, Ziff, you get her for the weekend, but no funny stuff, and by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo -- which is pretty much any John Woo film. Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room. Remember, Homie, I'm doing this for us. See you on Monday. (MASH theme playing) This round's on me, Moe. I got a big payday coming. Yeah, Homer sold his wife for a million bucks. I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend. Gee, a million bucks. Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life,... ...and you get more sprawl space on the bed. Wait. You really think Marge is going to fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey-fight tape? I'd dump your ass. Me, too. Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the house of Moe. Oh, God, you're right. I gotta get her back before it's too late! Hello, Artie. Where are you taking me? We're taking a trip through time. Forwards? No. Backwards to the sexy '70s. Oh my God! Artie, it's our senior prom! ("Disco Inferno" playing) I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s. Disco Stu's working pro bono. Marge, many years ago, I turned a groovy night into a complete bummer. Tonight you'll get the prom you always deserved. # Precious and few are the moments we two can share... # Oh, that's very sweet, Artie. Come, dear. We can dance all night. The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for James at 16. (whispers): Some say they're cursed. # And if I can't find my way back home... # Oh, my God, it's our high school prom! And once again I have no date. Simpson! Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister. Oh! You're very sweet, but no fake prom could make me forget my husband. I'm sorry. Very well, Marge. I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi. But before the evening ends, may I request an innocent peck on the cheek? OK. (grunting in protest) Oh no. If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born! Wah! Captioned by Media Access Group 1 (grunts) Get off me, you little nerd! Argh! (music stops) I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth. Keep your money, I'm going home. Stop looking at me! Keep dancing. Don't you know how to dance? Watch me. Aw, he's going to sleep tonight. Oh, guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man. My life here is over. Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me and never come back? Sounds like a plan. Then it's settled. We leave Springfield forever. What'd I miss? Anything good? That's $912. Send the bill to Baron Von Kiss-a-lot. No problemo. (German accent): This just arrived, Herr Baron. (German accent): OK, who's the wise guy? Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to see... a tape on the bed? Marge, if you're watching this, then it means I've figured out how to work the camera. Last night I crashed a certain fake prom. That's right, Artie Ziff's fake prom. (gasps) Homer was there? I saw something terrible and I can't even say it, so I'll have these two dolls do it for me. (imitating Marge): Kiss me, Artie. (imitating Artie): With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. (smooching) But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. BART: Patty and Selma? Screw that. Doh! Oh, it's no good. Everything reminds me of Marge. I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mt Carlmore. I carved that one wonderful summer. You know, we've never discussed it. You have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoorsy. Close to a bathroom. This job will be perfect. I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it -- dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love. Thank you, you've been very helpful. Dad just got a library card in West Springfield. He checked out 10 books on oil rigging and a book called Dying for Dummies. (gasps): He must've taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch. That's practically a death sentence. What happened now? Homer bowled a 300 game? Grandpa, that happened a year and a half ago. We have to go save Homer. But West Springfield's three times the size of Texas. We'll never find him there. Unless.... (whirring) I really appreciate you helping me find Homer. Think nothing of it, Marge. I hope we can always be friends. Of course. With privileges? Hmm? Hmm? Does that work on anyone? No. But when it does... hello! (grunting) Another oil well successfully capped. Let's raise our goggles in triumph. (small high-pitched scream) Ah. Oh no! This is how Faceless Joe lost his legs. Looks like we're goners. Oh well, circle of life. (whirring) Marge! Climb up! Ain't you coming, Homer? Why? So I can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so. Good day. But, Homer... We said "Good day"! Listen to me, Homer. You've won. You own Marge's heart. And that's something I could never buy. Whoo-hoo! There's nothing on that helicopter for me. Don't be so sure. (gasps) Carl Carlson. Artie, thanks for saving my life. Now, I believe there's a little matter of the million dollars. We can't take his money. Oh, I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die? Now, Homer, if there's one thing you should've learned from all this it's that I'm rich, rich, rich! And now... I bid you... adieu! (whirring) I'm Artie Ziff! I got to hand it to Artie Ziff, Marge. That little nerd saved my life. And our marriage, with his latest invention the snore converter. Goodnight, Homie. (kiss) (muffled snores) ("Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This" playing) ARTIE'S VOICE: He's a loser, Marge, dump him. (Artie singing): # I travelled the world and the seven seas. # I am watching you through a camera! # Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016