THE MEN CONVINCED THE PAULINE TO BREAK UP WITH GARY AND SELL OUT TO CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP. BUT WHEN THEY TRIED TO INTRODUCE A NEW FUNNY GIRL TO THE SHOW, ROSE AND LAURA THREW THEIR TOYS. AND THAT'S WHAT YOU MISSED. CYMBALS CLANG AND THEN WE CUT TO CYNTHIA, WHO SAYS, (FRENCH ACCENT) 'MONSIEUR, YOU CAN HAVE MY BODY, BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY HEART!' AND THEN SHE LETS GO OF THE ROPE, AND SHE FALLS INTO THE RIVER SEINE. END OF SCENE. SHIT, THAT'S GOOD. FADE TO BLACK. 'FROM THE MIND OF ROSE MATAFEO.' (CHUCKLES) ROSE, THAT IS AWESOME! LIKE, IT'S FUNNY, BUT IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL AS WELL. LIKE ME. (CHUCKLES) HEY, ARE YOU GUYS COMING TO THIS AFTER-WORKS DRINKS THING? YEAH, BUT WE'RE JUST ON A BIT OF A ROLE WITH THE SCRIPT, SO WE'RE GONNA MEET YOU AFTERWARDS. OK, BUT CAN YOU NOT TAKE TOO LONG? THE MEN HAVE ASKED US EACH TO DO A PRESENTATION ON OUR FAVOURITE BEYONCE SONG, AND WHY? ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE THERE SOON. SEE YA. BYE. CAN YOU JUST TAKE US BACK TO PAGE TWO? AND THEN WE CAN JUST RUN THROUGH WHAT WE'VE GOT FROM THERE. SORRY, READ YOU WHAT? MY SCRIPT YOU WERE JUST WRITING DOWN. I WASN'T WRITING ANYTHING. YOU` WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON YOUR COMPUTER THIS WHOLE TIME? I WAS PRIVATE-MESSAGING EVERYONE WHO SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ONLINE AND TRYING TO WIN THEM OVER WITH KINDNESS AND GIFTS. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T WRITE DOWN ANY OF THAT! WHY DID YOU THINK I WAS TELLING YOU ANY OF IT?! I THOUGHT YOU WANTED MY OPINION. UM, WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR OPINION WHEN I ALREADY KNOW IT'S A GREAT SCRIPT? WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. I'M NOT GONNA REMEMBER ANY OF THAT NOW. I'M SORRY. WELL, SAY SORRY TO THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS THAT WE WON'T BE GOING TO ANY MORE. I'M GOING, ROSE. WELL, I'M GOING AS WELL! WELL DONE, EVERYONE (!) OH, THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE'S HERE! I GUESS PLAYER OF THE DAY GOES TO LAURA DANIEL! HELLO! MUSIC PULSES THROUGH EARPHONES MUFFLED: ANYONE OUT THERE? IT'S LOCKED. (KICKS DOOR) UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC FUNNY GIRLS! FUNNY` WHA`? OOH! DEVON, YOU'RE SO AMAZING. LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M SO COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU. IT'S AMAZING. OH! YOU KNOW WHO YOU REMIND ME OF? MY BEST FRIEND, MELISSA. OH, WAIT, YOU` ON THURSDAY NIGHTS, WE HAVE THIS, LIKE, GIRLS' NIGHT KIND OF THING... (CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) WE DON'T DO PILLOW FIGHTS, BUT WE COULD, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (GIGGLES) SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT: COMMANDER, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. WE HAVE A MAN THAT IS ABOUT TO ENTER INTO THE FRIEND ZONE. JESUS CHRIST. ARE YOU SURE? YES, SIR. THEY ARE ON A DATE, BUT SHE IS CONFIDING IN HIM ABOUT HER FEARS AND DREAMS. SIR, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS THE FRIEND ZONE? DID YOU LEARN NOTHING AT BASIC TRAINING, ENSIGN?! COMMANDER. (HUFFS) IT'S WHEN YOU WANNA FUCK SOMEONE BUT THEY DON'T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY. YOU'RE LIKE THE BIG BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD. I FEEL, LIKE, SO SAFE WITH YOU. YOU KNOW? LIKE, I CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. SWEET BABY JESUS IN A MANGER. COMMANDER! SIR! WE HAVE THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL, SIR. IF WE JUST HAVE SOME MORE TIME, WE COULD` HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE FRIEND ZONE, COMMANDER?! IN SIMULATIONS, YES. WELL, I HAVE! AND LEMME JUST TELL YOU THIS NOW, SON. IT'S LIKE BLOODY HELL ON EARTH. DRAMATIC MUSIC 30 YEARS AGO, ON A VACATION IN FLORIDA, SHE TOLD ME I WAS CUTE AND FUNNY. AND THEN SHE STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT GUYS SHE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH. SHE TOLD ME I WAS MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO HER! SOUNDS REALLY SWEET! (CHUCKLES) YOU ARE OUT OF LINE, ENSIGN! SON, THERE IS A REASON WHY I DO NOT KEEP A MIRROR IN MY QUARTERS! (SOBS) IT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T BEAR TO LOOK AT MYSELF. SOFTLY: WHAT?! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. EAGLE 2, YOU ARE TO ENGAGE AND ELIMINATE. S-SORRY, WHAT?! KIMBERLEY: LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. IS THAT A MOLE? LIKE, SHOULD I GET IT CHECKED? BECAUSE I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE ON MY BACK HERE SOMEWHERE. WH` WAIT A SECOND. WHAT'S GOING ON? I FEAR NO EVIL. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS. DRAMATIC MUSIC MENACING MUSIC AND I WAS LIKE, 'FUCK, I'VE GOT AN INGROWN HAIR.' YEAH. FOREBODING MUSIC SINGS: # AMAZING GRACE,... # ...HOW SWEET THE SOUND... # SCREAMS: WHAT THE FUCK?! ELECTRO DANCE MUSIC GENTLE, FLOWING PIANO MUSIC # I LIE ALONE. IT'S 11 O'CLOCK. # LOOK AT MY PHONE AND MY HEART STOPS. # VIBRATION, NOTIFICATION. # IT'S A TEXT FROM NATHAN. # IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN # WRITTEN IN PROSE, # AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES. # OH! # U-P-T-O? # THIS SMS IS A WORK OF ART. # HOW LONG DID YOU SPEND WRITING DRAFTS... # TO COME UP WITH, 'UP TO?' # I AIN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN WEEKS, BUT THIS MAKES UP FOR IT INSTANTLY. # YOU'RE A POET AND YOU KNOW IT. GOT A BODY, GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU. # IT'S ALL OVER THAT TEXT! # UP TO? # JUST TWO LITTLE WORDS. # UP TO? # YOU KNOW A WOMAN'S WORTH. # UP TO? # BABY, YOU DESERVE A PULITZER PRIZE. # UP TO? # I FEE LIKE JULIET... # UP TO? # ...IF SHE HAD IMESSAGE... # UP TO? # ...AND ROMEO WAS KINDA DRUNK AND BORED. # (WHISPERS) HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH 'UP TO?' # SO I GO TO REPLY, # LOOK AT THE APP AND YOU'RE STARTING TO TYPE. # THEN HE STOPS TYPING. # NOW HE'S TYPING AGAIN. # I FEEL LIKE A LONELY WIFE WAITING IN WORLD WAR II. # BUT INSTEAD OF A LOVE LETTER, # I GOT A TEXT SAYING, 'UP TO?' # OH! # UP TO? # CHIVALRY AIN'T DEAD. # UP TO? # COS OF WHAT YOU SAID,... # UP TO? # ..I. WILL LEAVE MY BED AND DRIVE TO YOUR HOUSE. # UP TO? # YOU KNOW WHAT WORDS COULD DO,... # UP TO? # ...LIKE MAYA ANGELOU... # UP TO? # IF MAYA ANGELOU LOVED WEED AND XBOX. # SOME PEOPLE THINK SHAKESPEARE DIED, BUT I KNOW THAT HE'S ALIVE # HE WAS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN IN ICE, AND YOU THAWED HIM OUT TO COMPOSE THIS TEXT. # OHHH, MAKES ME FEEL TERRIFIC # TO GET A TEXT SO PERSONALLY SPECIFIC. # YOU DESERVE FULL INTERCOURSE! OH. OH. (CHUCKLES) HEY. HEY. UM, IS NATHAN HERE? Y-YEAH. YEAH, BUT HE'S GREENED OUT ON THE COUCH, PLAYING CALL OF DUTY, SO... (CHUCKLES) OH. OK, UM... MAYBE YOU COULD JUST, LIKE, NOT TELL HIM I WAS HERE. YEAH. YEAH. UM, HEY, LAURA. BEFORE YOU GO, UH, I KNOW THIS ISN'T COOL, COS NATHAN'S MY FLATMATE AND EVERYTHING, BUT I JUST... I DON'T THINK THE TREATS YOU THAT WELL. YOU'RE SO SMART AND FUNNY AND` AND INTELLIGENT, AND I COULD JUST TALK TO YOU FOR HOURS AND JUST BE MYSELF. IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT BETWEEN YOU GUYS, I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME. HMM? OH, SORRY. I WASN'T LISTENING TO ANY OF THAT. DEREK, THE HOT CHEF FROM WORK JUST TEXTED ME, 'SUP'! # OH! # SUP! # JUST ONE LITTLE WORD. # YOU KNOW A WOMAN'S WORTH. # THE GREATEST LOVE ON EARTH, # I'M DOWN TO YOU. # I'M GONNA FUCK YOU. # ONE WORD IS ALL IT TAKES. # MEET ME, YEAH. I'M DOWN TO FUCK. # ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC DANCE MUSIC THUDS ON A WEEKEND OR WEEKDAY? UNLESS IT'S A FACTORY MODEL. CELL PHONE RINGS, BUZZES OOH, AH-AH-AH-AH-AH! IF YOU BREAK THE PHONE PILE, THEN YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE WHOLE TAB. MEN CHUCKLE MAYBE WE COULD TRY PAULINE? NO, DON'T RING PAULINE. I THINK SHE'S REALLY MAD AT US SINCE WE ASKED HER TO BREAK UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND. (GASPS) MATE`! NO. AND ANYWAY, SHE'S REALLY HARD TO CONTACT, SHE KEEPS CHANGING HER PHONE NUMBERS. WHY DOES SHE DO THAT? OH, I THINK SHE WATCHED 'THE WIRE' LAST SUMMER AND SHE'S REALLY OBSESSED WITH BURNER PHONES NOW. (SIGHS) WELL, I DON'T WANNA STAY HERE ALL NIGHT. THIS PLACE CREEPS ME OUT. DID YOU KNOW A GUY DIED IN THE WOMEN'S SHOWERS AND THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES YOU CAN SEE A FACE WATCHING YOU THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE WALL? WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE CREW. OK, ONE, DO NOT TAKE A SHOWER THERE AGAIN; AND B) GET OUT OF MY WAY. GET AWAY. (SHOUTS) CHAIR TUMBLES, RATTLES HOW`? WHY DID`? WHY DID THE LIGHTS`? THAT IS NOTHING` SHUT UP. DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. UGH! YEAH. UGH! UGH! UGH! YEAH. DREAMY CLASSICAL MUSIC KEYS JINGLE (SIGHS) THIS IS THE WORST! I COULD BE AT HOME RIGHT NOW. WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING IF YOU WERE AT HOME? WELL, EXACTLY THE SAME, BUT BY CHOICE... AND ALONE. OH SHIT. OF COURSE. JULIAN. JULIAN? ARE YOU STILL GOING OUT WITH THAT CHILD? PHONE RINGS CHILD: YOU'RE ON THE J TRAIN. JULIAN. LOOK, IT'S LAURA. I NEED YOU TO COME LET ME OUT OF THE STUDIO. I'M LOCKED IN. OH, BABE, I'M IN, LIKE, A REALLY IMPORTANT MEETING. WHAT? YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE AT THE FUCKING TRAMPOLINE PARK AGAIN, AREN'T YOU? LOOK, I CAN HEAR YOU BOUNCING UP AND DOWN. NO, I'M NOT. I GOT SOCKS ON. YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. OH DAMMIT! LISTEN, YOU NEED TO COME LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW OR WE ARE OVER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? (PANTS) I THINK IT'S FOR THE BEST. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SORT OF IMMATURE, AND I'M GETTING A LOT OF GRIEF FROM MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS. DODGEBALL GAME IS ABOUT TO START. LATER, BABE. BEEP! NO, NO, WAIT, JULIAN. DON'T HANG UP. DON'T YOU` GET ME! BRING IT! BRING IT! BRING IT! THUD! WOW (!) YOUR 13-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND DIDN'T COME THROUGH FOR YA. SURPRISING, ISN'T IT (?) OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT WE SEE WHICH OF THE THREE CONTACTS WE SHOULD CALL ON YOUR PHONE, EH? WHAT IS IT? UM, BRIAN ` LANDLORD, SPEEDY THAI DELIVERY OR... JESUS ` UBER DRIVER WITH KIND EYES? MOCKINGLY: HI! MY NAME IS LAURA AND BLONDE NOW, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T SUIT MY COLOURING. EEEH! ACTUALLY, I HAD A COLOUR PALETTE TEST DONE SPECIFICALLY TO MY SKIN TONE. DIDN'T WORK, BITCH! (LAUGHS) YOU STILL LOOK WEIRD. ROSE, THAT WIG COST A FORTUNE. GIVE IT BACK. OH, I'M SURE YOU COULD BUY MORE WITH YOUR TWEEN MODEL MONEY, COULDN'T YOU? HMM. HI! I'M LAURA. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME. YOU CAN BE SUCH A BITCH SOMETIMES! LAURA... LAURA. IT WAS A JOKE! LAURA. HISSES: COME ON. TECHNO DANCE MUSIC PANTING, BIRDS SQUAWK, TRILL BE CAREFUL IN THE WOODS, MILADY. MENACING MUSIC COME, FINNICLE. SCARY MUSIC BIRD CAWS MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES BIRD CAWS WELCOME TO THE KEEP OF LORD TADPOLE THE BRAVE. GREETINGS. MY NAME IS LORELLE FALCONBORNE, AND THIS HERE IS MY COMPANION, FINNICLE OF THE TREE FOLK. WE HAVE TRAVELLED VERY FAR TO DELIVER THIS GRAVE NEWS FROM THE MOORLANDS. PLEASE, GRANT ME ENTRY SO I MAY DELIVER THIS TO THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE. PASSWORD? IF THE DAPPLED MOONLIGHT SHINES DOWN ON THEE, YOUR JOURNEY AHEAD, SAFE, IT SHALL BE. INCORRECT. EXCUSE ME? WELL, THAT'S INCORRECT. YOU'LL HAVE TO TRY AGAIN. OH, THEY MUST'VE... CHANGED IT RECENTLY. HOW ABOUT 'BLONDEBIMBO25'? HOW OLD ARE YOU, 14? YOU'VE GOT FIVE ATTEMPTS, OTHERWISE WE'LL LOCK YOU OUT. (LAUGHS) OH, I SHOULD` NO, I SHOULD'VE... WRITTEN IT DOWN SOMEWHERE. IS IT 'TOMHANKSFAN84'? MM. INTERESTING CHOICE, BUT, NO. IS IT 'KYLE69'? OOH. WHO'S KYLE? (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) IT'S NO ONE. IT'S JUST A... PASSWORD. WHISPERS: IS IT 'SARAH69'? NO. IS IT 'FINNICLE69'? YEAH, FINNICLE! OH, COME ON! WELL, CAN I JUST RESET THE PASSWORD, THEN? TO RESET THE PASSWORD, WE'LL HAVE TO RESEND YOU A VERIFICATION SECURITY CODE. YOU CAN JUST`? (HUFFS) OH GOD. OK. FINE. 5-6-V-O-7-8-M-P. GREAT. NOW, WE'VE GOT A SECURITY QUESTION TO ASK YOU. (SIGHS) OK, FINE. WHERE DID YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY? WHAT IS THIS` KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?! AND BESIDES, IT'S NOT RELEVANT. I'M A VIRGIN, YET TO BE WED! STA` STABLE. A STABLE! INCORRECT. A CAVE? NO. (SIGHS) THE DENNY'S PARKING LOT. CORRECT. NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD TO? WELL, HOW ABOUT SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE 'PASSWORD'? TOO WEAK. 'FUNNYMINIONS55'? (SIGHS) BASIC. OOH! HOW ABOUT JUST MY NAME? 'LORELLE1'. CREATIVE (!) OK, YOUR PASSWORD'S BEEN RESET. GREAT! (CHUCKLES) PLEASE ENTER YOUR PASSWORD. LORELLE1! MAGICAL MUSIC OH, THANK GOODNESS. (GASPS) FANCIFUL MUSIC DOOR CREAKS OH. SORRY. DOOR CREAKS (GASPS SOFTLY) OH. PASSWORD. ENERGETIC MUSIC INDISTINCT RT CHATTER OH GOD. A CHECKPOINT. RT CHATTER DON'T WORRY, HONEY. YOU'LL BE TOTALLY FINE. TENSE MUSIC GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. JUST A ROUTINE PRIVILEGE CHECK. YOU HAD A GOOD NIGHT? YES, WE'VE JUST BEEN OUT TO DINNER WITH SOME FRIENDS. I'M JUST GONNA GET YOU TO COUNT TO 10 IN THE LANGUAGE OF YOUR CHOICE. UN, DEUX, TROIS, QUATRE. BEEP! I DETECT A PRIVATE SCHOOL EDUCATION THERE. I-I-IT WAS MY PARENTS' CHOICE. THEY PAID FOR IT. I WANTED TO GO TO` (GAGS) PUBLIC SCHOOL. MA'AM, YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR PRIVILEGE CHECK THIS EVENING. OH NO. I NEED YOU TO GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION. (WHIMPERS) THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! C'EST NE PAS POSSIBLE! VERY GOOD, POPPY. NOW, OUT OF THE CAR. COME ON. AH! YOU'RE ONLY ARRESTING ME BECAUSE I'M WHITE. IS MAMA GONNA BE OK? SHE'S GONNA BE JUST FINE, SWEETHEART. YOU PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE FINE. NOW, DON'T YOU FORGET TO TAKE POPPY TO DOTTIE'S HOT YOGA. OK? FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MUMMY LOVES YOU. I LOVE YOU! DID SHE SAY 'MUMMY' OR 'MONEY'? MUMMYYY! MUMMY. CYMBALS CLANG UGH! YEAH. UGH! UGH! UGH! YEAH. LIGHT '50S MUSIC (SCOFFS) IT WAS JUST A JOKE, LAURA. GOD. CHILL OUT. YOU'VE BECOME SO SERIOUS SINCE YOU TOOK MY JOB. OH WAIT, SORRY. SINCE YOU TOOK THE JOB THAT I TURNED DOWN. YOU SAID YOU WERE COOL WITH IT. WELL, I DIDN'T SAY I WAS COOL WITH YOU BECOMING A COMPLETE NUTCASE! ARE YOU KIDDING?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S PRETENDING TO BECOME A TOTAL ARTIST EVER SINCE YOU LEFT LONDON. AND WHAT OF IT? OH PLEASE! I KNOW YOU WEREN'T DOING ANY REAL ACTING WHEN YOU WERE THERE. MY COUSIN SAID HE SAW YOU WORKING AS AN USHER DURING A MATINEE OF LES MIS. YOU WERE JUST SCRAPING GUM OFF THE SEATS AND PUTTING IT STRAIGHT INTO YOUR POCKET. THAT WASN'T` SO DON'T ACT ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY AROUND ME. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND! BUT EVER SINCE YOU CAME BACK, YOU'VE JUST BEEN REALLY MEAN TO ME! WELL, I'M SORRY, OK?! MAYBE I'M JUST JEALOUS. YOU SEEM SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME, AND YOU HAVE A NICE LIFE AND A NICE BOYFRIEND AND A NICE CAR, AND I HAVE NOTHING EXCEPT FOR A NICE CAR AS WELL! WELL, I LOOK UP TO YOU, AND IT HURTS ME WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF ME! I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN OF YOU. I THINK YOU'RE A TALENTED PERFORMER, AND I RESPECT YOU A LOT! WELL, THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED YOU TO SAY TO ME! I THINK YOU'RE AMAZING! WE'RE SAYING VERY NICE THINGS WITH ANGRY INTONATION! WELL, IT'S JUST EASIER TO SAY THEM THIS WAY! I DON'T LIKE HUGGING, BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD HUG RIGHT NOW! I WOULD REALLY LOVE THAT! WELL, THIS IS NICE. PAULINE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WELL, A NICE YOUNG MAN AT THE TRAMPOLINE PARK TOLD ME YOU GIRLS WERE STUCK IN HERE. AREN'T YOU THAT PRODUCER LADY? YEAH. OH. WELL, I THINK THEY NEED YOU BACK AT THE STUDIO. (PANTS) FIVE MORE MINUTES, EH? YEAH. (GRUNTS) LATERS! SEE YA. AND EVEN THOUGH I'M STILL PRETTY MAD AT YOU GUYS MEDDLING IN MY PERSONAL LIFE, DAMNED IF I'M GONNA LEAVE MY GIRLS IN HERE TO DIE. PAULINE, I'M SO SORRY WE TOLD YOU TO BREAK UP WITH GARY. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT WAS PROBABLY GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY. I MEAN, IT WASN'T EXACTLY FEMINIST OF ME TO PUT MY CAREER ASIDE FOR, YOU KNOW, TRUE LOVE AND THAT. WHAT? FEMINIST? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WELL, YOU KNOW, PUTTING MY` WELL... DID THOSE MEN TELL YOU THAT? YEAH. THOSE COCK-SUCKING MEN. WHY CAN'T I HAVE BOTH? I CAN DO IT ALL. I CAN DO BOTH. WHAT ARE THOSE MEN EVEN DOING HERE? I DON'T KNOW. YOU HIRED THEM. OK. I'M GONNA GO AND FIND GARY. UGH. BAR RATTLES I MIGHT JUST TEXT HIM. FUN DANCE MUSIC HELLO, EVERYONE! OK, LISTENING UP, EVERYBODY. IT IS TIME FOR BABY SWEEPSTAKES! ALL GROAN YES. OH. OOH! (CHUCKLES) AS WE ALL KNOW, JENNY FROM ACCOUNTS IS DUE ANY DAY NOW, SO AS HEAD AND ONLY MEMBER OF THE SOCIAL COMMITTEE` NOBODY ASKED YOU TO DO THIS. OK. I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA FOR US ALL TO GUESS THE SEX AND WEIGHT OF THE BABY. WINNER GETS A $50 BAR TAB. OK, I'LL GET THE BALL ROLLING. I'M GONNA GUESS GIRL, 7.2 POUNDS. OK, WHO ELSE WANTS TO PLAY? HOW ABOUT YOU, FRANCES? FINE. GIRL, 9 POUNDS 4OZ. PERFECT. NOW, THAT WASN'T TOO HARD, WAS IT? OH! DO I DETECT A BIT OF A SMILE ON THAT DIAL? (GASPS) NO, DEFINITELY NOT. OK, THEN. WHO ELSE WANTS TO PLAY? SARAH? 7 POUNDS 2OZ. I'M GONNA SAY 'BORN A MALE BUT IDENTIFIES AS A FEMALE'. OK, SO WE PUT THAT ON THE... ON THE FEMALE SIDE. I'LL JUST PUT IT THERE. OK. I JUST` I JUST THINK WE'RE` WE'RE OVERCOMPLICATING IT A LITTLE BIT THERE. I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING COMPLICATED ABOUT THAT, PAM. OK, DOES ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO GUESS THE GENDER AND THE WEIGHT? 8 POUNDS 2OZ, GENDER... NEUTRAL. OH, THERE'S ACTUALLY NOT A SPOT FOR THAT ON THE BOARD HERE, CRAIG. I GUESS THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM FOR HAVING A LIMITED PERSPECTIVE OF GENDER. (LAUGHS) OK, I'LL JUST PUT IT IN THE MIDDLE THERE, SHALL I? THE MIDDLE. ANYBODY ELSE? OH! OH, OH. FEMALE, KIND OF GAY ` LIKE, A 4 ON THE KINSEY SCALE. OH, OH! A SAMANTHA WITH A HINT OF MIRANDA. OH, A SELFISH LOVER, 9 POUNDS 6OZ. OH, I THINK WE'RE JUST GETTING A BIT TOO SPECIFIC. (CHUCKLES) FUSSY EATER, 9 POUNDS 9OZ. I RECKON THAT BITCH IS NEVER GONNA STICK WITH ANYTHING. 8 POUNDS ON THE DIAL. 10 POUND, BUT IT'S ALL MUSCLE. FEELS AS THOUGH WE'RE ALL BODY SHAMING THE BABY. OOH, THOUGH MY GUESS IS GIRL, AND SHE IS EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE DUE TO DEEP-SEATED MOTHER ISSUES. OK, WELL, THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH. THAT WAS ALL VERY HELPFUL AND INFORMATIVE. CELL PHONE CHIMES OH! JENNY JUST TEXTED. SHE'S HAD THE BABY, AND IT IS... DRUM ROLL, PLEASE. ALL DRUM ON DESKS PATTER, PATTER, PATTER, PATTER AND A DING! IT'S A BOY! ALL GROAN OH GREAT. OH. I DIDN'T` A NEW BOSS IS BORN EVERY DAY (!) OH. OH. NO. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? IT WAS FUN. THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN. (EXHALES AUDIBLY) BRO. BRO. CHECK IT OUT. OH SHIT, CHECK IT OUT. CHECK IT OUT. (CHUCKLES) 'SUP, G, MY BRO? FAR! WHAT'S GOIN' ON? NICE CONCRETE. FAR, I LOVE CONCRETE. LOVE IT! RESPECT WHAT YOU DO. WHOA! YEAH! WHOO-AH! NAH. JUST JOSHING, JUST JOSHING! GET IN THERE, GROUP. GROUP FIST BUMP, BRO. GROUP FI` GET IN. GET IN, MAN. GET IN QUICK. GET IN QUICK, MAN. OOH! UH, BREWSKI ON THE COUNT OF THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE! BREWSKI! HA! THEN WHAT? NAH, BEST` BEST GET ON. BEST GET ON. GOTTA GO TAKE A SHIT. LATERS, G. (BLOWS SOFTLY) FUNKY MUSIC LIGHT '50S MUSIC AH. I'VE BEEN SHOT. OK. (SIGHS) FUCK, MARRY, KILL ` ME, BRYNLEY` STOP PUTTING YOURSELF IN THESE. ANSWER IT OR YOU'RE FIRED. DOOR OPENS OH THANK GOD! (GASPS) OH! LADIES! THANK GOD WE'RE HERE. WE GOT YOUR MESSAGES, AND WE CAME JUST AS SOON AS WE FINISHED OUR KEBABS... YOU FUCKING COCK-SUCKER! AH! WHA`? OH! HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! ALL EXCLAIM, TALK EXCITEDLY FUCKING COCK-SUCKER! YOU ARE` WAIT! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) SORRY WE MISSED YOUR CALLS, GUYS. WE WERE 'LOOKING UP'. IS IT FEMINIST TO STOP THIS? THAT'S A GREY AREA. WE SHOULD JUST LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE. NOW, CAN I JUST SAY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, OK? YOU'VE USED FEMINISM THIS ENTIRE SEASON TO JUST GET WHAT YOU WANT! YOU JUST RUINED THE ENTIRE CONCEPT FOR US, REALLY! IF I CAN MANSPLAIN ONE THING` TRY IT. JUST TRY IT, EH. PAULINE SNARLS, GROWLS COME ON, PAULINE. PAULINE! PAUL` PAULINE, TIME OUT. TIME OUT. (PANTS) OH GOD. I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME. IT'S ALL RIGHT, PAULINE. I KNOW YOU WEREN'T REALLY MAD AT ME; YOU'RE JUST MAD AT THE PATRIARCHY. PAULINE. I GOT YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT THE DEADLY COMPUTER VIRUS. YOU KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A DEADLY COMPUTER VIRUS, RIGHT? I LIED, GARY. THE ONLY VIRUS IS UP HERE, (PANTS) AND THAT VIRUS MADE ME DO A REALLY STUPID THING. BUT I'M HEALED NOW. I'VE DOWNLOADED AN ANTIVIRUS INTO MY HARD DRIVE AND IT'S CLEANED UP ALL MY RAM. OH, THAT'S REALLY BAD. WOW. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. GARY, WOULD...? WOULD YOU MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD... WHAT THE FUCK? PAULINE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ...AND BE MY SECOND HUSBAND? (GASPS) I WILL. BOTH MOAN BOTH CONTINUE MOANING PLEASANT, SWAYING MUSIC CAPTIONS BY GLENNA CASALME WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016