1 www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. What the? Able 2016 Honey, I've got some bad news for you. Not now, Marge. I'm waiting for the new XFL season. Who will win this year's Million Dollar Game? Who? Who?! Honey... The "X" is for "extreme." There is no XFL this year. The league folded. (stammers) Who told you? Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlour. (phone rings) Hello? (feminine automated voice): Hello. This is the Springfield Retirement Castle. Your parent... (Grampa's voice): Abraham Simpson. (automated voice): ...is dead. Oh, my God! He died from... (Grampa's voice): Complications of a medical nature. (Grampa's voice, stilted): The nursing home was not responsible. Homer... your father's dead. (sobbing) And he never even lived to be a vegetable. I'm really going to miss him. (sniffing) It's Grampa's smell-- Old, Old Spice. Oh, my dad never even knew how I felt about him. But you were very open with your feelings. Sure, I said I loved him but never that I was in love with him. (sobbing) GRAMPA: What are you crying about? You don't have to live here. Dad! BART AND LISA: Grampa! Stop it! (rubbery creaking) You're stretching out my skin. What's got into you punks? The home told us you were dead. Me? I ain't dead. It was Stimson down the hall. So much for Mr "I can button my own shirt." (laughing) Aw, Dad... We've got what people never get-- a second chance. Yeah, and there's so many things we can... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll call you. Or send you some fruit. Look, Grampa-- you're already getting a new neighbour. Hi. I'm Zelda. I put the "ass" in assisted living. Holy mac... Abe Simpson's the name, and now that you're here I'm changing my instructions to "do resuscitate." Now, let me show you around. Over there are the preppies and over there is the comatose... and the cool comatose. Hey, who's the tall drink of Maalox? Are you young ladies here to visit your mothers? (all giggling) Eh, that's Zack. He's as smooth as a 50-year-old behind. Who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan? It's got a wheelchair lift. Oh! Oh! Oh! (loud breathing) If you can drive, they're all over you. I used to drive, but they pulled my licence. Is this the Dairy Queen? (groaning) But, Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big back seat and a lot of gas... I'm your man. You've never heard Garrison Keillor till you've heard him through five speakers. (chuckles) Aw, boof. Tramp. BART: B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship! This game makes no sense. Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives. Semper fi. I want to drive again! You?! No way! It's too dangerous. Well, you're no angel behind the wheel. What about your DUI? That was a DWI. Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep-deprived apes. Please, son? Driving is my last chance to feel alive. Well, you brought me into this world... so... no! Fine. I'm dead. Dad, get up. No! I'm dead. Grampa, come on. Dead! Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! All right, Grampa, I'll help you get your licence back. Whoo-hoo! And I want driving gloves! No way. Dead, dead, dead, dead! First of all, I'd like to ask if anyone has any questions. Ya, where's the men's room? It's down the hall. OK, now, let's pretend that we're going for a drive. Leo, slow down! That looks like a nice place to eat. Carla's daughter works in that building. You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over. Makes you think, huh, Chief? Not really. Next. Grampa's here to get his driver's licence. OK, look at the eye chart and cover your left eye. That's my seein' eye. The right one's my winkin' eye. (chuckling) I'll give you your licence if you never do that again. Oh, everything's the last time I do everything. Can't you just use this recent photo? Eh, all right. Here you go. Whoo-hoo! Who's laughing now! (laughing) Eh, shut up! Not now, Marge. I'm waiting for the new XFL season. 1 (jaunty humming) What's the scoop, milkshakes? I got me a date with Zelda, so I need the car. Oh, no. I'm not giving you my car. You'd probably drive it. You don't trust your old man? You ungrateful milkshake. Why don't we double-date? Then the restaurant will have to give us that booth. Wow. A booth. If I'm tired, I can just lie down. GRAMPA: Cut it out! I can work the brakes myself. No, you can't. You're slow to react, Dad. Baloney. Woo! This is the best party of my life. Bro, you tapped the septic tank. Dude sure got his comeuppance. (laughing) In real life, he would die. (passionate moaning) Oh, Abe. Oh, Zelda. Yeah. Hey, watch the movie. Movies were better in our day. For a nickel, you got two movies a cartoon, a bag of popcorn and a whuppin'. Kept your mind on your business. Hop in, beautiful. # Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man. # Now, there's a few things I want to say to you, Zelda. Save your breath. Seriously. Well, I got to do something before the Viagra kicks in. I know! I'll suck my teeth. Whoa, here we go. ("Anchors Aweigh" playing) Give me those keys! You have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kennel. OK, this isn't about who I called. See you later. I'm going to the library. Lisa gets to do what she wants and you don't yell at her. Hey, I've earned their trust. Oh, everybody trusts Lisa. Precious little Lisa, apple of her daddy's eye. Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some... hoochie. (gasps) She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I got to tell you she's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive. Shut up! You don't know her! Zelda loves me! I hate this house! (Glenn Miller music blaring) Turn that down! You call that music?! I... I just don't know what to do. He used to be such an angel. Maybe you should give him another chance. No. He's got to learn, Marge-- the way my dad made me learn! He is your dad. Cosmic. Hey, Abe, what are you doing here? We heard you lost your driving privileges. Well, for your information, I can still drive to the store but I have to be back in five minutes with these things for the baby. Oh, gentlemen. The new scratch-and-win tickets are out today! I'll take one, Achoo. No, not "Choo," "Pu." I got troubles with both. Finally, the shakes are working for me. Pardon me, sir. Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood, Orlando. So, what if it did? So! It is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne. Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us-- Los Souvenir Jacquitos. Bring it on. Please, gentlemen. Violence is not the answer. Then what is? Some sort of death race? That's what I would do. Very well, viejo. You shall have your death race. (sputtering) Death race? And another thing-- no death races. Oh... I better not. Cheeka-a, cheeka-a, cheek-a. Cheeka-a, cheeka-a, cheek-a. Cheeka-a, cheeka-a, cheek-a. Fine. I'll meet you at the abandoned aqueduct. For the death race. Yes, the death race. All right, seniors and senors. Whichever car makes it through that tunnel first is the winner. But it's only big enough for one car. What are you scared of, old man? Everything. Dogs. Dutchmen. The gathering darkness. All right, when I yank down my girlfriend's tube top the race will begin. What? I'm just trying to bring you into my world. (sighs) Just go. Aieee! Zapata del Diablo! Ich vinch eich gezunt! Old friend your jacket... she burns. Then I burn with her, for I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to. ALL: Yay! Whoo-hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket! (shrieking) (coughing) (shrieking) My beard. I broke my beard. (cracking) Oh, my God. We can't let Homer know. What is it? What? Huh? Oh, that is it! Abraham J Simpson... You are never! Driving! Again! Ever! 1 Oh, I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels. Go home! Put on a smile, high pants. I've got a surprise for you. I booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missouri-- the Grits-Carlton Hotel. Oh, that's great. But there's a slight hitch. You see, I'm temporarily between cars... But we don't need anything to have fun but ourselves. # Give me that old-time fun. # Give me that old-time fun. # Give me that old-time fun. # The kind where we stay home. # Zelda may I offer you a lift? Don't feel bad, Abe. I'll always think of you as my friend without a car. Don't go, Zelda! I love you! Zelda, I'm going to make you forget about your grandchildren. What'll I do? (clears throat) Hey, Grampa, stealing Mom's car? Yeah, it's the only way to win back Zelda. And if I go to prison I'll get better food and more hugs. Uh, it's actually blue wire to yellow wire. It is? Hot diggety Dodge! Next stop, Branson, Missouri. Can I tag along? Sure. Why not? School ain't helping you. # Born to be wild... # I hate this hippy crap. ANNOUNCER 1: And now, WOMB, warm and safe radio takes you back to a golden age of radio theatre. ANNOUNCER 2: It's The Itchy and Scratchy Hour presented by Hansen's Moustache Wax. The moustache wax Hitler doesn't use. (falsetto voices): # Fight and fight, and fight and fight and fight # # Fight, fight, fight... fight, fight, fight # # The Itchy and Scratchy Show. # As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop. (door opens and closes) ITCHY: Heya, Scratchy. (grating sound) SCRATCHY: Aagh! Aagh! You're grinding my head! (laughing) During the war Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy. The lady knows funny. First he wrecks your car, then he steals mine. Your father's out of control. Oh, sure-- when he does something bad, he's my father. He must have dropped this. We got to go after them! But how? Branson's a thousand miles away and we've got no car. (bus horn plays fanfare) Oh, that was lucky. Come on, boys. BOTH: Yay! Uh, we'll wait for the next one. What are those, Grampa? These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not. That one means good vittles... sexy daughter... mass hobo grave in cellar. (both gasp) (both gasp) Here we are, Branson, Missouri. No, pally, this is Bronson, Missouri. Well, how do we get to Branson? (Bronson voice): Number 10 bus. (Bronson voice): Hey, ma, how about some cookies? No dice. This ain't over. There it is. GRAMPA: That's the glitziest "Welcome to" sign ever. OK, keep an eye peeled for Zelda. Is that her? No. Is that her? No. Is that her? No. Is that her? No. Wait. It was the second one. Zelda, baby, it's me! Two seniors, please. Oh, no! He's taking her to the hottest matinee in town! Come on, boy. After 'em! (piano playing "The Funeral March") (upbeat music now plays) # Remember the stars you loved yesterday? # # Where did they go? # # Did they all pass away? # # Was it drugs or a car crash? # # Or face-lift gone wrong? # # No, they're right here in Branson # # And singing # this song # # My name is Charo, I shake my maracas # # Remember me, fool? # # I was BA Baracus # # We're the performers you thought were dead # # Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed # # Branson's the place we can always be found # # They took Nick at Night and made it a town # # You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay # # Just don't call me washed up # # I do three shows a day # # Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground # # Yes, I'm still alive and I'm making my sounds # (making sound effects) # So sit back, relax, and watch our revue # # In Soviet Union, # revue watches you. # Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now, I know you're dead. No, you just think I'm dead. No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary. Let's take a quick gambling break. A little action will really sharpen our senses. Mom, there's no gambling in Branson. It was designed as a family destination. Oh, no, there's gambling. We just have to find it. Look, Mom, it's your car. Grampa and Bart must be in that theatre. Bet you they're not, three to one. How much you got? Mom, you're hurting me. Grampa, look over there. It's Captain Bringdown and the Buzz Killers. If you're going to make your move you better do it quick. Wait, stop the music! It's Grampa! Munster? No, Simpson. Oh, darn, darn, darn! (glass breaks) I've driven hundreds of miles to say something very special to someone in this audience tonight. ALL: Aw... Zelda, will you come up here? (applause) Drive me, Abe. Drive me. I just want to say... we're through! Nobody dumps Abe Simpson! You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! (all chanting): Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie! Now I'd like my son to come up here. Son, can you forgive an old fool? Only in public. BOTH: Aw... Now let's go home. In Russia, stage is for performers only. (making sound effects) ("Beverly Hillbillies" Theme plays) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (snoring) LISA (southern accent): This has been a Gracie Films presentation. -Shh.