1 1 (gentle, angelic music plays) (sighs) (screams) (sighs) (screams) (grunts) (as Forrest Gump): Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump. This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave. Huh. Ah, ah, ah... (laughing) Luke, I am your father. (laughing) Uh... shagadelic. (door slams) What are you doing here anyway? Waiting for my wife. She has a surprise for me. Hey, hey, hey, I didn't ask for your life story. Did you say "life story"? (angelic theme plays) Things started out great. I ate what my mother ate and my mother loved chilli. Then, suddenly... (shrieking) Let go. Let go! Wow, tell me some more. Don't you have criminals to catch? Hey, I'm working on it. We, uh... We got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob. Oh, there he is now. Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine! (nervous chuckling) Now, where were we? My father and I were never really close. "Jack and Jill went up the hill and... Jill came tumbling after." The end. Good night. Is that the same Jack from "Jack and the Beanstalk"? You know, son, I believe it is. And Jack Spratt, is that him, too? Say, how about a little Nyquil? All gone. Mmm... I never found true happiness until I met Marge. Excuse me? Is this room 106? Hey, who's that? I... I don't know. # Why do birds suddenly appear # # Every time you are near? # # Just like me, they long to be... # Hey, would you like to go... ? She's mine. HOMER: We'd do everything together. Whoo... (yelling) (shrieking) MARGE: Whoo...! Wow... A '50s nostalgia cafe. Well, well, well I've never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well- being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle. Whoo-hoo! And life just gets more exciting. Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys. We've got to get home before someone sees us. You know, all this danger is kind of a turn... Hmm! OK. Then came the day that changes every couple forever: the day we got our elephant. (yawning) (gasps) (tires screeching) (Homer and Marge gasping) Whoo-ho-ho-ho...! (elephant trumpeting) (elephant trumpeting) While I wait for my family I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss. Hey, that's great, but I got to get going. Whoa! There's a whole 'nother row of these bad boys. Keep talking. (crunching) It's time for your surprise, Dad. Yeah, hop in, Homer. Aah, the family car. We've been through a lot together. (loud banging) Aah! (truck horn blaring) Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! (tyres screeching) MARGE: Homer, maybe I should drive. What? I can see fine. (horns honking, tyres screeching) (man yelling) (children screaming) HOMER: That had nothing to do with the bucket. Homer, you genius. (laughing) Geronimo! (grunting) (gasping) (yelling) Now, before we get there you have to put this blindfold on. (gasps): All my other senses are getting sharper. (sniffing): Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed. (laughs nervously) As if. (tyres squealing) Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice? Kathleen Turner! (lustful growling) No, it's me, Krusty. And you're at the Springfield Friars Club. Where tonight, we're roasting you, Homer Simpson! (applause) Are the proceeds going to charity? (scoffs): Hell, no. Whoo-hoo! (gentle, angelic music plays) 1 We're all here tonight for one reason: to keep Homer away from the buffet. (laughing) Ha-ha! Excellent. (hurt gasp) That was at my expense. What kind of a roast is this?! Now, I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it. First, we have Mark Spitz. Who's Mark Spitz? What's a telegram? Ah, forget it. (muttering): I got to get to the hot wings before the Comic Book Guy. You know, Lisa they say father knows best. That's true, Bart. Our father knows the best way to embarrass his kids. (laughing) Ha-ha! Excellent. But seriously we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years. (doorbell rings) BOTH: # Joy to the world # # The Lord is come # # Let Earth receive her king # # Let every... # Season's greetings. Peace out. BOTH: # Silent night # (glass breaking) # Holy night # # All is calm # (screaming) Ow, that hurt! # All is bright... # (snoring) BOTH: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No. (repeating) Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No. (repeating) Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No. (repeating) Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No. (repeating) Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? No! No! If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me?! Yeah. Of course. Well? Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? Yes! BOTH: Thanks, Dad. Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? (rapid blipping) Whoa! (gibberish) Bart, what are you doing? (yells) Hey, what the...? Whoa! (all babbling) Hmm, all right. (gibberish) A lot of people think our dad's behaviour has screwed us up. And it has. (all laughing) But it's all worth it just to hear him sing. # Shaving my shoulders # # I'm getting it all shaved off. # (theme from Goldfinger): # Max Power # # He's the man whose name you'd love to touch # # But you mustn't touch # # His name sounds good in your ear # # But when you say it you mustn't fear # # 'Cause his name can be said by anyone... # Ah! Max Power! (theme from West Side Story): # I like pizza, I like bagels # # I like hot dogs with mustard and beer... # I get the picture. # I'll eat eggplant # # I could even eat a baby deer # # La-la-la-la-la, la, la, la, la, la-la # # Who's that baby deer on the lawn? # Enough already. # Dancin' away my hunger pangs # # Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt # # I'm kind of like Jesus # # But not in the sacrilegious way... # And now, our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself-- C. Montgomery Burns. (the Imperial March plays) I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J. Simpson. (gasps) Again and again he has brought this town to the brink of annihilation. (laughter) Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children! (raucous laughter) Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery! (goofy laughter) "Poop." MAN (whispering): Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about... D-ohh! (guffawing) (ringing) Go! Go! (screaming) Get out of my way! (whimpering) Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire... (alarm blaring, screaming) Ah, here comes one of our fellows now. (panting) I think I won, Mr. Burns. Now, here's a couple that's been dating-- carbon dating! (laughs) Grandpa Simpson and Agnes Skinner. (audience applauds) Holy Toledo! What's keeping that dress on? The collective will of everyone in this room. (laughing) Ha-ha! Excellent. You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me! I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know he would soon become Mrs. Joe DiMaggio and... (snoring) Roll the clips. Uh-oh. OK, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble all you need to do is... Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all. Nothing at all! (yelps) Stupid, sexy Flanders! (cracking) Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever...! (yelping in pain) (sobbing) (frantic screaming) (muffled grunts) Single. (chuckles) How's he doing? I don't know. I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing. Faster, Marge, faster! The snapping turtles are massing! Heads up! Coming through! Look out! Hey, volleyball! Can I play later? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear! You've ruined my work, you flying fat man! Oh! (Homer yelping) Hey! (relieved sigh) Step on it, Mom. Dad's signalling that he wants to go higher. (gurgling): Higher! (spits water) Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring. Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge, higher! It won't go any. Higher, I say. I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared. I want to look down on the clouds with contempt. I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his... Uh-oh. (yelling): Lower... lower! There goes my turn. Now everyone knows Homer loves his family. (drunkenly): I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies. It's always secrets and lies. Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder. (snoring) (frustrated growl) HOMER: Secrets and lies... # I can see it in your eyes, # I sometimes see you pass outside my door. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # Hello? TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # ...you're looking for? # I can see it in your eyes, # I can see it in your smile. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # You're all I've ever wanted, # and my arms are open wide. TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # Cos you know just what to say, # and you know just what to do. # And I want to tell you so much # I love you. # (sighs) . Now, let's welcome Springfield's original God couple-- Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders. (applause and cheering) Thank you so much. # The Camptown ladies sing this song # # Doo-dah, doo-dah # # Homer Simpson's breath is strong # # Oh, the doo-dah... # Hey-hey, now, hold on there. The nice people want to hear the real words. But, Ned, I was singing the real words. Oh, let's just take it from the top. # The Camptown ladies sing this song # # Doo-dah, doo-dah # # The Camptown racetrack's five miles long... # That's better. # Homer's breath smells bad... # Oh, those are not the words. (thunderous crash) Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks. Look, you weren't in dress rehearsal so you're not in the show. (screams) (electrical zapping) This can't be good for my pacemaker. Aah! (all gasp) Yah! Oy! Oh. What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created 5,000 years ago... by God. (mumbling): In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost... And now, humanity must be judged. The fate of your planet rests on one human being-- Homer Simpson. Why him? Because he is the fat selfish epitome of modern man. Hey, he stole my bit! Now, we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. Yup. Word-for-word. OK, let's see what we've got. (static crackling) It has to be on channel three. (grumbles) Oh, yeah. That's a fine-looking... (thudding) D-ohh! OK, no big deal. (grunting) (yelps) Stupid Lisa! (muttering) Got to build fast. Cement drying! All right, let's see. Oh. English side ruined. Must use French instructions. La Grille? What the hell is that?! Oh! Come on, fit. You... (grumbling) Huh? (strained mutters) (relieved sigh) Yeah. That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?! (screams) Why?! Why?! Why must life be so hard?! Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?! (wailing) How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. (high-pitched shrieking) Yeah. He's done. Why you little...! (choking) Aah! (choking) (choking) (all gasping) (choking) (grunting and choking) (Homer grumbling) WOMAN: Better or worse? HOMER: Worse! Better or worse? Much better. HOMER: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. (choking) (growling) Ow! Ow! (sighing and groaning) (thudding) I'll mace you good. (screaming) Your species is brutish and primitive. Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet? Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind. (laughter) Sure. Let's give it a shot. Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie! (croaking) Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again. (burps) You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word. Daddy. (crying and sniffling) It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness. These are not tears. We are vomiting from our eyes. Your baby's treacle has only intensified our loathing! Wait. Look at the screen. The baby continues to reminisce. Ooh, Elton John! That's my name. Well, not really. (motor whirring) ALL: Stephen Hawking! Hi. I'm Ron Howard. (gasps) Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. Oh. Wow! Joe Namath! That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. MAN: Yo, dudes! Awesome show. (gasping): It's 'N Sync! (upbeat dance music plays) Word. This child thinks of nothing but trendy Hollywood celebrities. We can learn much from this innocent one. Like Justin Timberlake's home phone number. So, I guess you can't destroy Earth since so many of your favourite celebrities live and work here. We will not destroy the Earth on one condition. You name it. ("Hooray for Hollywood" plays) I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards. And tomorrow, the daytime Emmys! (soft piano music plays) (high-pitched laugh) Oh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an Evening Shade reunion be in the works? (gasps) There's Shannon Doherty. Didn't you have a thing with her? Don't go there! # Ullman shorts, Christmas show # # Marge's fling, Homer's bro' # # Bart in well, Flanders fails # # Whacking snakes, monorail # # Mr. Plow, Homer space # # Sideshow Bob steps on rakes # # Lisa's future, Selma's hubby # # Marge not proud, Homer chubby # # Homer worries Bart is gay # # Poochie, U2, NRA # # Hippies, Vegas and Japan # # Octuplets and Bart's boy band # # Marge murmurs, Maude croaks # # Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes # # Maggie blows Burns away # # What else do I have to say? # # They'll never stop the Simpsons # # Have no fears # # We've got stories for years # # Like, Marge becomes a robot # # Maybe Moe gets a cell phone # # Has Bart ever owned a bear? # # Or, how 'bout a crazy wedding # # Where something happens and do-do, do-do, do? # # Sorry for the clip show # # Have no fears # # We've got stories for years. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016