D'oh! (screams) (mechanical whirring) Ow, my brain! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org Able 2016 Welcome to Career Day. Here to tell you about his job is Bart's friend's dad Kirk Van Houten. How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts them there? No. I` I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up. Ah, um, that` that's it. I see. Well, we, uh, still have 56 minutes left. Any questions? (coughs) Do you know Mom's getting remarried? What? But she... I... Um, I think we should probably talk about that later, son. No, you might as well talk about it now. That was one lousy Career Day. If we can't get better speakers we'll have to go back to teaching. And I can't stare at those lifeless fish eyes any more. As head of the Student Activities Committee I have an idea. I was wondering what she was doing here. The speakers are poor because we're letting just anybody do it. Groundskeeper Willie, Groundskeeper Willie's enemy Seamus. (sighs): Yes, Seamus. 90 minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub. (sighs) Well, I think we should try the Springfield Speaker's Bureau. Good idea. Seamus, uh, we won't need you to speak any more. What?! Oh, this is your doing, Willie. I'll turn your groin to pudding. Oh, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one, too. (grunting) Ooh! Ooh, ya bastard! Wow. Walter Mondale, Marvin Hamlisch... Mark Fuhrman... (gasps): The former President of Procter and Gamble? We have a special this month: Mr Blackwell debates Mr T. Oh, please. I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tyres. I pity the fool who derives self-esteem from mocking other people's clothes. I hate myself. Ooh, here's a wonderful speaker. Geoff Jenkins. Who? He created a cartoon called Danger Dog. It's popular with kids and adults. Yes, fine. He'll do. Anything to end this unstructured conversation. And in a gutless act of political correctness Pizza Day will now be known as Italian-American Sauce Bread Day. (Italian accent): Ah, now that's-a sensitivity. Right, Giuseppe? (screeches) Giuseppe is such a happy monkey. And now today's guest speaker, the creator of Danger Dog, Geoff Jenkins. (applause) Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Thanks, kids. Next month we'll be airing the Danger Dog Easter Special. Would anyone like to see a sneak preview? (cheering) (theme music plays) Danger Dog, Neuterville needs you. I hope this is important. I've got a hot date tonight. With Sarah Jessica Barker. Nice. Anyway, your arch enemy, Molly Ringworm, has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray. (yowls) The Mayor's barf is worse than his bite. Ah, le mot juste. (laughing) (chuckles): If you freeze the frame you can see that the chunks of barf are actually pictures of our animators and their friends. Are there any questions? Here. Right here. Hello. Yes, you. What state does Danger Dog live in? Michigan. Next. Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church? Because those things suck. (cheering) Uh... w... uh, I have a question, Mr Jenkins. Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon? Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world. I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies. Wow. Cool. Great. (stammering) Well, then, eh, tell the children how hard you studied in school to get where you are today. Studied? Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle. Like this one-- it's what your principal would look like as a woman. (laughter) Haw, haw! (laughter continues) (alarm sounding) Fire, children -- hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in. Why'd you do that? I won't stand by while you're glamorising sass. Now, those youngsters will throw their lives away drawing things that never were. I'm coming up with my own cartoon character. He's called Danger Cat. Mine's called Trouble Dog. I'm called Ralph. Mine is Danger Dude. But he's a dog. BART (chuckling): Oh, yeah. Well, I'm my own toughest critic, but I think it's genius. Now to sell it for millions. This comic strip is lame and derivative. I'll be the judge of that. Oh, r... Stan Lee. Creator of Marvel Comics? Greetings, true believers. Oh! Ooh, my heart is pounding like Thor's hammer on Dr Doom's titanium-infused faceplate. Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting." The restraining order says "no, no" but her eyes say "yes, yes." Let's see what you've got, son. My Spidey sense is tingling. It's that good? Whoa, did I say "Spidey"? I meant "Stinky." Enough said. What did I do wrong? Oh, I don't know, try everything. Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy's still finding his voice. So you're saying I should keep trying? Absolutely. And if you fail, you can always open a comic book store. Stan Lee insulted me. But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me. I just need one great idea. (squeaking) Batman! Oh, it's been done. Green Lantern! Nah... I like "Little Dot." Could you rip that off? I mean, who's going to know? I'd know, Mom. Mm, that little girl sure loved dots. Hmm, all I need is one classic character. (grunts) Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold you! Ow! (laughing) D-ohh! (gasps) Hey... This'll teach that stupid chair. (screams): I'm on fire! (screaming) Oh, I hope no one's drawing this. 1 Hey, always drawing your old man, huh? You must think I'm the greatest dad in the world. (gasps) D-ohh! Oh! Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! MAN: Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the underpadding? I hate them so much! (laughs) ANNOUNCER: Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk... Hmm... (growls) (chuckling) Oh! (laughs) Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been cancelled. Huh? Instead, we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr. (shrieks) My ice-cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote?! Why do people keep moving it?! Stupid...! Oh, this is perfect. A couple of stink lines around his butt and I'm done. Angry Dad rocks! (mimics guitar playing) "Argh, I'm angry." That's like something my dads would say. Simpson, you created a timeless comic character. Thanks, guys. Will you sign Martin's cast? What cast? (groans) I won't be swimming this summer. Ow. Bart, this is just dad. It's a composite character: your dad, my dad a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick: "Know-It-All Sister." Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene? (giggles) Hmm, your pencilling is sub-Ziggy and the main character is off model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy. Wow, I made it. My week-long dream has come true. Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. (grunting) Look, he's fitting right now. (grunting) Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. (sobbing) You broke my Batmobile. Broke? Or made it better? (humming theme from old Spiderman cartoon) Now I can't stand in line any more. Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to you? I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series. Wow! Angry Dad, an Internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace, next to the Nabisco cookie Web site! Hey, soul patch, you cut the line! Waah! Ooh! Here's my card. (bell dings) Whoa! BART: This is people working? This is great. Hey, Bart. Care for a children's cappuccino? What up, man? This is my manager/sister, Lisa. What up? Everyone here loves Angry Dad. It's just what we've been looking for. So, what do you want to do with it? Bart, I'm not a woman and I can't have babies, but I can give life to animated Internet cartoons. Let me show you one of our hottest shows, Bin Laden In a Blender. (ululating) (screaming) Well, it delivers what it promises. Now, Bart, we can't pay you salary, but we can give you stock. How's your company going to make money? Do you have a business model? How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation? Two million. It is done. Now, let's watch another of our great cartoons, Lou Rawls, Secret Agent. # You'll never find that microfilm of mine... # Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad. OK, let's hear it. Well, I was thinking of something like (Homer's voice): I'm a big fat idiot. Wow, I think we have our Angry Dad. Whoo-hoo! When do I get paid? In 2012. D-ohh! Now we just add colour. (musical notes playing) In five minutes it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock. (roller squeaking) (screaming) Wow, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin. SECRETARY: Susan Anton? No, the lemur. (men laughing) Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. (growls) That's opinion, not news! (growls) (laughs) That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a second. Angry Dad is me! Yeah. Didn't you know? You've been world-famous for an hour now. You're the Internet's number-one non-porno site. Which makes you ten trillionth overall. What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? (trumpet fanfare) BART: This has been a Bart-toon presentation in association with... (roars) Why, that little...! (roars) (growls) (tyres squealing) Stupid Bart-toon. (laughs) Bart-toon-- that's clever. I'm going to kill him. Look, it's Internet buffoon Angry Dad! Let's send him into one of his trademark fits. (all clamouring) Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak. Leave me alone! (screaming) (all laughing) (yelling) Look at me, I'm Angry Dad. (laughing): Ow! (laughing) This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. (explosion) Not again! (Bart's voice, deeper): Angry Dad, you're fired. (explosion) HOMER: Die, monster! (grunting) (gagging) Homer, what are you doing? Just, uh, uh... We're just rehearsing for Angry Dad: The Motion Picture. How'd you like to be played by John Goodman? (gagging) (angry sputters) It's so obvious... it should be... Gary Oldman! Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon but you have a real problem with anger. I'm just passionate like all us Greeks. No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am... Oh my gosh, you're right. (yowls) I'm a rage-aholic! (sobbing) I just can't live without rage-ahol! (wailing) Congratulations, Dad. The first step is admitting it. Is it also the last step? No, the last step is quitting. (groans) Very well. I'm not going to be Angry Dad for one day longer. I'm giving up anger forever. If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods. I said anger! How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? (humming happily) Did it again! (soft New Age music plays) Hmm. Where in the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer? What's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquillisers. Hmm... (bubbling) (loud gasp) (grunts) (happy, drowsy mumbling) (birds singing) (inhales deeply) (exhaling): AH... Nothing can make me mad out here. (whistling) Paperboy! Ow! (whistling) Milkman! (groans) (glass shatters) (whistling) Piano lady! D-ohh! (grunts and groans) Must... suppress... rage. (straining) (pop) Huh? (grunts) (whistling) Come on, Angry Dad. Get angry! Don't make me do a clip show. Hello there, Flan-didly-danders. Hey, Homer, I've been singing your praises all day. Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight. (straining) (popping) (grunts) (sighs) Here's a preview. # God said to Noah # # Build yourself an arky, arky # # Animals came on by onesies and twosies, twosies # # Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies... # (popping) (straining) This little trap is gonna make my Dad angrier than he's ever been. In the meantime, I got to tell those Internet guys to hold tight. Can I come, too? Good idea. You can speak nerd to them. I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart. (gasps) Oh my God! What happened? They went belly-up like all the other Internet companies. Looks like the bubble burst. Bubbles can burst?! Yeah, but it's a golden age for the repo business. One that shall never end. Bart, it's over. Ow! What do you mean it's over? We're bankrupt. The stock is at zero. But I have 52 million shares! What's 52 million times zero? And don't tell me it's zero! Bart, it's not about how much stock you have; it's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with. (grunting) Looks like you can't retire by age twelve. Yeah, but at least now that my show's cancelled I don't need material, so there's no need to lure my dad into that trap I set up for him. (gasps) The trap! # They call me mellow yellow # # Quite rightly! # # This fellow never bellows # # Quite rightly! # Mmm... Hee... Hmm... Hmm, this looks suspicious-- but delicious! (screams) (nervous whimpers) (pulley squeaking) Ow, cacti! (groaning) (angry growl) (bump pops) Oh, dirty diapers on strings! (sputtering): Oh no! Oh, ugh-ugh! Ugh! (popping) (angry growl) (sighs with relief) Time to put this ordeal behind me. (angry growl) (popping) (howling) Homer mad! (bellowing) (loud, angry roar) Thank God his pants stayed on. (fierce, raucous bellow) (angry sputter) Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look, it's the Incredible Hulk! (howling) (straining) (grunting) (grunting) He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. (weak bellowing) Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. Come on, damn it. Change! (straining) Ah, forget it. (straining) I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store. (straining) You almost had it there. (moaning quietly) Bart, your prank caused $10 million in damages. I know. I'm sorry. Sorry for what? Saving your father's life? Whaaa?! Whaaa?! Whaaa?! It's true. You see, these boils on Homer's neck are pent-up rage. If Bart's trap hadn't set Homer off the anger would have overwhelmed Homer's system. You mean I shouldn't punish Bart at all? Why, if anything, he should punish you. Huh? Hmm. OK. Well, son, I want to show you how grateful I am. Let's go fishing. Who knew that anger was saving my life? (chuckles) Say it, don't spray it. (straining) If you're trying to get me angry... thank you. You're not welcome. D-ouch! I love you, boy. Ha, ha, you love a boy! D-ohh-chh! Stop it now. (Bart laughing) BART: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me? (laughing): That's a good one. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shh.