(bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) D-ohh! (screams) (grunts) MAN: Welcome back to Animal Survivor. (chimpanzee screeching) OK, tribes, it's been a rough week. Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipment. (groaning) And we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance. (munching) (roaring) (munching) Oh, I hate reality shows. A year ago, you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us. I've grown, you haven't. (remote clicking) (applause) MAN: And now, we're back to Touch the Stove. So Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Uh, yeah. It all started when... (sizzling) Touch the stove! I can't take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at. (squeaking rhythmically) Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors. Stupid writers and actors. Priced yourselves right out of the business. Nice going, geniuses. Hey, let's get one of those home satellite dishes. Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat. Get back, honky cat. Those systems are too expensive. Marge, we can't pinch pennies on the machine that's going to be raising our children. Come on, kids. Daddy knows a way to get the money with no risk. (fanfare) MAN (on P.A.): And the winner by a nose is "No Risk." Whoo-hoo! OK, now, all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from 8:00 a.m. Monday morning through June? No problem. Hey, Flanders, check out my new satellite dish. (whistles) Boy, that's Jim Dandy roof candy. I'd love to come over some time and watch that Church Channel. I bet you would. Oh, you'd win that bet. Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home. (frustrated grunting) Oh, it's red wire to red wire. (sputters lips): What idiot dreamed that up? And the Lord said "Let there be crap." (clicks) ("Blue Danube" playing) (monkeys chattering) (music continues) (wistful moaning) (slurping) ...and thereby reducing the number of states to 49. Cool. It's the NBC news feed. Mmm... feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer. MAN: Clear! Oh, Lord, I'm so fat. (gagging) (retching) Hey, Lis, want to try some satellite TV? We've got Japanese Friends. (lively music playing) (with Japanese accent): Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock N' Roll." Could I be more Japanese? You are the Emperor of Last Year. Your comeback shames me. How about the Clock Channel? MAN: Coming up on the Clock Channel... 6:00. Wait a minute, I saw this one. Bart, I have to study for the Elementary School Achievement Test. And so do you. Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend. It's Wednesday night! Kids, kids, you're both right. (moans) (growls) MAN: We're back with Who Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire? Uh, no, millionaire. Well, now he's broke. (swanky music playing) (paper crinkling) (munching loudly) (both groaning) Why don't you turn off the TV and join us for dessert? I made a pie. Put pie here. (sighs heavily) (gulping, munching) Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig. (Homer snoring) MAN: We now return to Robo Trumble. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean Robot Rumble. (robots grunting, metal clanking) (mechanical voice): Why are fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the Earth. (mechanical voice): I agree. (wheels whirring) (crowd gasping) (saw grinding) Aah! Sucker! (chuckling) Homicidal robots... so like us. (snoring) Bart, the test is in two hours and you haven't slept in a fortnight. What's a fortnight? You should know. It's on the test. (grunting) (material suctioning) MRS. KRABAPPEL: No pressure, children but these test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave. THINKS: This test is boring. What else is on? (electrical zapping) (retching) (chuckling maniacally) (zapping) (lively music playing) It's finally happened, Bart. You've lost your mind. (dramatic intro playing) # Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah # # Hava Nagilah, v'nismikha # # Hava n'ranana, hava n'ranana # # Hava n'ranana v'nismikha. # (laughing happily) SKINNER: Now let's raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M.C. Safety and the Caution Crew. Yo, yo, yo. Y'all feeling cautious? # I say a cross, walk, a crossity walk # # And you don't stop crossin' till you're on the next block # # First you look both ways then you walk, not run # # Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun # Break it down now. # Just walk, don't run # # Drink Juice, yum-yum. # (chuckling) Watch out, Beatles. Now, I have one more important announcement to share with you. Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Huh? Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's big test you're being immediately moved up to... the third grade! (cheering and applause) She's not so great! She got diarrhoea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns! (laughter) (gasps): Oh! (laughter continues) OK, Bart, since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement. (murmuring) I was going to tell you this privately, but because of your incredibly low test score, we're sending you back to third grade. (laughing) The... wh...? eh... huh? What?! I've got to be in the same class as her? What? I've got to be in the same class as him? Hmm? They're going to be in the same class as each other?! (turns channel) (gasps): An old army buddy is visiting Mannix?! . Class, meet our newest third-graders-- Lisa and Bart Simpson. Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover... (gulping) ...while Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. ALL: Hi, Bart and Lisa. A rooster sits on a roof, facing north. It lays an egg. Which way does it roll? OK, the sun rises in the east, so the rooster would probably want to lay it on the cool side... Roosters don't lay eggs. They're boys. Very good, Bart. Mm-hmm. Lisa, I want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up. (scraping) (loud clang) (appalled gasp) Ha-ha. Young man, you're not in this class. What are you doing here? Laughing at jerks. "Quiet nerds burp only near school." Bart, I'm doing my geography homework. I know. That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada: "Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia-- Quiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember the principal exports: "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel." Stop. I want to learn on my own! Canada's Governors General: "Clowns love haircuts; so should Lee Marvin's valet." Get out! (creaking) McCONNELL: Here are your math tests. Morgan, Dakota, Ashley, Dakota, Tyler, Tyler, Lisa... What's this weird mark next to my "A"? That's an A-minus. M-Minus? Nice work, Bart. An "A"? Copacetic. You did better than me?! Ah, I took this test last year. The answer key never changes. "B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D- False-False-True- William Jennings Bryan." That's cheating! Bart cheated! Young lady, in the third grade we don't care for tattletales. Oh... And we don't care for moaners, either. (crying) Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher. (pen squeaking) (sobbing) Pukers in back. Kids, look what I got you for your third-grade field trip: matching fanny packs! Now your fannies match. (both groan) (both grunting) Hey, get away from me. Get...! ! Get... out... ow, oh! Quit it! Ow, let go! Ow! Stop! You'll crush your juice boxes! (both moan) (both groaning angrily) All right, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip. I'll take Kyle! I'll take Ashley! Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk. I'll just put you two together. (both moaning) # There's a swingin' town I know called... # # Capital City... # Punch buggy red! (grunts) Ow! You are such an immature... Punch buggy white! Ow! Stop fighting. He started it. He did Punch Buggy first. What's "Punch Buggy"? When you see a Volkswagen Bug you punch somebody and yell the colour. (murmuring) (all gasping) BOY: Punch Buggy blue! (thud) Ow! GIRL: Punch Buggy green! (thud) Ow! BOY: Punch Buggy taupe! (thud) Ow! (blows landing, crying) That really hurt! OTTO: Two for flinching! (two blows land) (children moaning) Now, as we cross the street I want you to hold hands with your buddy. (both moan) (vehicle approaching) (tires screech) Hey, dude, who's your girlfriend? (laughter) (tires screech) What happened, dude? Did your girlfriend dump you? (laughter) (goofy honk) (both moan) Now children, if you look up at the capitol dome you'll see a mural of our state bird the Pot-bellied Sparrow eating our state pasta, bow-tie. (children exclaiming) Order, order, order. The chair recognises the esteemed representative from Capital City... BART: The Capital City Goofball? That's right. To win, he spent $80 million from his own pocket. Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This confederate symbol is an embarrassment. Particularly as we are a northern state. (murmuring) This lively debate has given me an idea. Tonight, each buddy team is going to design a new state flag. Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffing? Well, Bart's being his usual jerky self but, Mom, I'm really excited about this new flag design. Oh, and the hotel gives you a free USA Today outside your room. No, I'm sure it's free. OK, I won't touch it. Well, make sure you don't. And try not to let your brother get under your skin, honey. Believe me, he doesn't. His act is getting old fast. He think he's really cool... but frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties. One last sunbeam... and we're done. "To Fraternal Love." When I get through with that flag it's going to be a Bart-Mangled Banner. ("Pomp and Circumstance" playing) So, I understand you children have some state flags for me. Who would like to go first? We would, Governor Bailey! Team Simpson! I spearheaded this one. I'll just unfurl this... (horrified scream) (all gasp) That was my worst unfurling ever! Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying. (sobbing) (moans) Ha-ha! You weren't on this field trip. How did you get here? Biked. 1 Bart, I am so mad at you! (laughs) You should have seen the look on your face. It was something like this. (laughing) (growls) (bubbling) (groaning) (horn honking) Huh? (gasps): The bus! (bus door slams) (all talking) OK, children, before we leave is anyone missing their buddy? ALL: No. Ah, the buddy system. Foolproof. Floor it, Otto. (tyres squeal) LISA: Wait, wait! (both panting) Ha, ha. # They left without you. # They left without you, too, you idiot. Well, if I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade? Because you've already done it once. You've lost me. Oh, forget it. Hey, how do we get back? No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in The Blair Witch Project. (panting) I must be getting close. I recognise that girl! Oh, Bart, I think we're lost. I used to be lost... until a friend turned me on to a book-- a book that changed my life. It's called Lisa Is Stupid. You die now! (gagging): Whoa! Hey! (laughing) (teacher sobbing) They're gone. I don't know what happened. If the buddy system can fail I don't know what to believe in. There, there, Audrey. It's happened to all of us. Willie, we have two more names for the wall. (lone bugle plays mournfully) (sniffling) Ach! Why is it always the kids with the long names? (chugging) (doorbell rings) Hello, Principal Skinner. A parent who waives her right to sue says "What?" What? Got it. Hey, you can't fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state. (exhales) Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying. (gasps) My poor babies! I'm so sorry. Lisa's a very special little girl, and we'll spare no expense in finding her. Well, what about Bart? We're looking. But in the meantime the class clown pro-tem will take his place. Cowabunga! (wind gusting) (animal noises) (shivering) You cold? What do you care? (unzipping) Here. Thanks. Where'd you get... Oh. Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world. Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go you're the coolest. Thanks, Bart. And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag. I'm sorry I got us lost out here. Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacey dolls. OK, you go. I don't think I've done anything else. OK, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"? Yes... (chuckles): Yeah, funny story-- one day, I was really bored and Dad had left his steamroller idling in the driveway... This is where the kids were last seen. (gasps) The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoelace! A mother knows. Well, he's not going to get very far without that. Bart, is that you? HOMELESS MAN: No. (rifles cocking) (both gasp) Say your prayers! Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Bart! Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary. (sputters): Lost on a field trip? Heck, why didn't you say so?! That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts. They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker. And I wandered away from the group... I married a bear and I started up a family. I told you, I ain't a bear. (laughs): Rar, rar, rar. No one understands you, She-Bear! (laughs) (car rattling) Thanks for driving us back to town. No problem. We were going there anyway to pick up the new Spy magazine. I'm sorry. They don't publish that any more. The world I grewed up in is gone. (kissing) Oh, my special little guys! You're OK! You're OK! (kissing) And Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart and Lisa. Well, if this episode has taught us anything it's that nothing works better than the status quo. Bart, you're promoted back to the fourth grade. Yay! And Lisa, you have a choice-- you may continue to be challenged in third grade or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond. Big fish! Big fish! ALL: Aw... The status quo. The status quo? Ay caramba! That's just sad. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016