1 (tyres screech) D'oh! (screams) (tyres screech) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Three minutes, 40 seconds ` a new personal best. Maggie? (coughing) No one will ever know. HOMER: Mail call! Oh, anything good? The George Foreman Mail Sorter will let us know. (sizzling) Mmm! 'Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa.' Ooh, that place is famous. It's where J. Lo hit P. Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman. Our attendants can take 10 years off your face and stick it in your boobs. And this place isn't just for gals any more. It's also for vain, effeminate men. (squeaking) Kent Brockman? Well, if you find this shocking, look at Tom Brokaw. (machinery whirring) (clicks) Truly, that was the greatest re-generation. This place blows. I'm going to go float a Baby Ruth down the mineral bath. Don't worry, kids. We've got something just for you. Do you like Dr Seuss? No. Then you'll love Dr Mas-seuss. Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck. I'll stop talking like this if you write me a cheque. Ooh... These turtles know just where the knots are. It just shows you God has a plan for every creature. Yes, yes, indeed. (cracking) (sloshing) (gasps): Ooh! Ooh! Uh... help, please! Someone throw me a stick! Don't struggle. You'll only sink faster. Roll your eyes back into your head focusing on your breathing. You should feel a pleasant tingling. Ooh, I do! I do! Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air... What position is this? (imitates Johnny Carson): The American taxpayer. The American taxpayer. (sighing) (gasping) Oh, my God, a naked celebrity. Be cool. Don't stare at his famous wang. Ha, ha, ha! Go ahead, look. The whole world already saw it in Nudist Camp Commandant. I wore nothing! 'Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition.' D'oh! Wait a minute. I'm not wearing a shirt! (yelling) (groaning) (humming) (groans) Who ordered the steamed Gentile? Mmm, steamed Gentile. Don't worry, us pigs will catch this killer. Now, Mr Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about? Triple? No. Definitely, no. You have to do something to protect my husband. Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Uh, second word, Chief. Thanks, Princeton Pete. Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer, and I know just where to find him. Paris? No. No, not Paris. (sighs): I'm never going to go to Paris. These are our most dangerous criminals each one crazier than the last. Uh, come to think of it, he should be there, and this guy, he should be over there. Wait. You saying he's crazier than I am? That's exactly what I'm saying, Decapitating Harry. Now, move it. (screaming gibberish) Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't think this was a great place to bring the children. It still beats Disney's California Adventure. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Mmm, that's true. So, which one of these psychos is going to help me catch my killer? He's right in here. COMPUTER VOICE: Access denied. Oh, fine, I got to use a fork. (door squeaking) Hello, Bart. (screaming) BOTH: Sideshow Bob! Oh, come now. We've been through so much together. Just call me 'Bob.' (screaming) BOTH: Bob! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! something smarter, healthier. Staying on top can take an extra boost. Sometimes you need an energy drink with something more - something smarter, healthier. Introducing new Berocca Forward. We've added vitamins, minerals and the natural energy of guarana. Now that's forward thinking. Berocca Forward - more than just energy. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. Three minutes, 40 seconds ` a new personal best. . All right, Bob, if you help us catch the guy trying to kill Homer, we'll make it worth your while. What could you possibly offer me? Your pick of roles in the prison musical. This year I think it's Man of La Mancha. Yeah, Don Quixote, Sancho Panza, Dr Carrasco ` you know, they're all great parts. Ah, what a great show. I wish it was today. What do you say, Bob? Fair enough. Now, I will need round-the-clock access to all the Simpsons. Especially Bart. Well, then, you might as well to stay with us. We serve the same meat the prisons do. Wait, wait, wait. Bob can't stay with us. This man has tried to kill me so much it's not funny any more. Don't worry, son. We have ways of making him compliant. Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own. You'll understand someday when you have kids. Now, if he even looks at you funny this shock garter will set him straight. And don't try taking it off, because it's taped to your leg hair. And that really hurts. Oh, come now. As gentlemen, surely we can just agree to... Argh! Sorry. Fair enough. But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to... Mother! Aah! Wow, you don't even have to point it at him. (buzzing and yelling) Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm... well, there's Mr Burns, Fat Tony, the Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush... The late Frank Grimes. PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick... And the state of Florida. How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. This is a normal day? I just wanted to impress you. Welcome to your Springfield Mardi Gras headquarters. Cast your vote now for this year's king. HOMER: Ooh, Mardi Gras. Didn't last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner? And I'd do it again. But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola. Ah, yes, the Kwik-E-Mart. I haven't been here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty. My one successful crime. You were quite the gentlemen. Today's robbers ` they are all smash-and-grab. You understood the dance. Our time is passing, old friend. Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs and Ammo. Well, we've settled that argument. You can't read a magazine and drive. Look, junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts! But this car was built in Croatia. It's made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr Sasswrench! Homer, please. The last thing you need is more enemies. Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray. There's two! (squeaking) The trap is set. The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll. Now we lie in wait like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar. You're so smart. Shock him. (anguished yell) (machine squeaking) Ooh, someone's coming. Huh, ugh, ugh! Now who's the sociopath?! Huh?! Moe! He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of. Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment... Oh... he's hurt. Go, go, go! These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Aiyaa! (grunting) Thank you, Lord. (grunting) Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. (laughing) None of this seems odd to you? Nah. Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart? Yeah, a kid should be real simple to kill. I'd just come behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick-like. Guys, Bob is my only hope. Back off and give him some room to think! Homer, if I could write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap, I can concentrate anywhere. Oh, my God! He's getting closer! Ah, my poor jar. Oh, why didn't I take more photos? (sighs) # Memories, like the corners of my mind... # Here's an interesting clue. Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation. This could be the breakthrough we... (chuckles) I thought I could get it while it was in the re-charger. (screaming) I... was wrong... Oh... I don't know how we ever had fun without him. We now return to That '30s Show. Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola? Why, it's the latest model. From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys! For your information, I'm cranky because I've got polio. Oh! (laugh track playing) Tom Shales gave this show a good review, and I'm the one in prison! Bob, I know you're enjoying Fall Preview Week but I was wondering if you made any progress toward finding Homer's killer? No, I haven't. Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. (babbling) Homer, it's stuck! (grunting) Whew. (gasping) Listen, Homer, I don't know who your killer is, but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. Very well. I am gone! Don't look at me. (knocking) Homer Simpson? Right here. (horns honking) You've been elected King of Mardi Gras! Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people. Honey, the King of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day. You'll be a sitting duck. Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen. Three minutes, 40 seconds ` a new personal best. Maggie? . (chuckles) It's Mardi Gras time in Springfield! This year's Mardi Gras King is none other than local hothead Homer Simpson. Long live the king! In a related story, Homer Simpson may not have long to live. Homer, it's a trap. You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box... with these. Nonetheless, the people have spoken. But I'm afraid you'll get hurt. Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all... and get drunk on a Tuesday. Today's Tuesday, and you've had six beers. But I'm not drunk! The killer is out there. I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it. Now, Bob, I know you're concerned but don't worry. I have operatives working the crowd. So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago. Whoa! I'm so drunk I'm going to puke. Ever get that feeling, beautiful? (party music plays) (crowd cheering) America loves its Kings, from George III to Larry. (gunshots fired) (gasps) Whew! Just Italians. His float's already moving. I didn't even hear the engine start. Yeah, it's really running quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic? (suspenseful music plays) (rattling) (no audio) My God, that's it! Homer, you must get off that float! The brake line has been cut! (float creaking) Oh, my God! Attention drunken idiots: This is your king! Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down! (yells and grunts) Ooh, that's heavy! (screams) (grunts) Hey, how 'bout some beads? They're not for dudes! That's cool. LISA: Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish! That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened. Must... save... buffoon. (creaking) (screams) Huh? Ha, ha! I did it! Wha-Wha... Huh?! You saved my life! I've saved a life. And it feels wonderful. And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death. Don't be so sure. I've got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight. (gunshot) Everything going dark... like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous! I love you, Doris! I... ooh... Ooh, we're up so high. Where could that shot have come from? There's your killer! Well, duh! Your king needs these stilts! Jesus is our only king! Not any more. There he is! Hey, I know you. You're my mechanic, Junior. Frank Grimes Junior! Frank Grimes? Don't you remember? Your ape-like incompetence drove my father insane. Frank Grimes... What's this? 'Extremely High Voltage.' Well, I don't need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simps... Oh, yeah! How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be! Whoa! Wait, Frank Grimes wasn't married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, OK? Dad, I figured it out! The murderer is... We know ` Frank Grimes Junior. Huh? Precisely. Take him away, boys. That's nice work, Bob. Now give him the rhino tranks. (delirious babbling) If I can trank out just one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job. You're living the dream, Chief. Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive. Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. Hello, Bart. (screams) Looking for this? Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny and kill you without delay. One thrust and the deed is done. I... I can't do it. Huh? Why not? Well, I guess I've... Dear God... grown accustomed to your face! I've grown accustomed # To his face # And dreams of gouging out his eyes # I've grown accustomed to my hate # My plans to lacerate # To disembowel, to hear him howl # The very reason that I live # Is plotting how to watch him die... (knocking) HOMER: Bart, turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! # I know this chubby scallywag has made my life a living hell # Surely, if I drank his blood, I'd be at peace, but, well... # You've grown accustomed to my face... # This isn't a duet! This isn't a duet! Sorry. # I've grown accustomed to your fear # Accustomed to revenge # Accustomed to your face. # (panicked grunts) We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night. (electrical zapping) (babbling) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Shh.