1 D'ohh! (screams) HOMER/MARGE/BART/LISA: # Silver bells # # Silver bells # # It's Christmas time in the city... # Oh, that is, like, so moving. Yo, family, isn't that beautiful? (muffled agreement) # Walking in a winter wonderland... # Exquisite. Just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds. (screaming) (loud snarling) Should I call them off, sir? No, no. It's their Christmas, too. # Hava-nice Christmas, Hava-nice Christmas # # Hava-nice Christmas # # Non-Christian friend. # That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas." For this I tied my bathrobe? # Just hear those sleigh bells jingling... # Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner. Nobody owns Christmas carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store. Not true. But you are welcome to sing the many beloved public-domain carols such as 'O Tannenbaum', 'Good King Wenceslas', 'Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring.' Those suck. They're worse than nothing. I could write way better songs. Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those notes are owned by Disney. (moans) That's A-flat. (higher-pitched moan) That's better. That's it, I'm writing a Christmas carol. If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything. (fabric ripping) (humming "Good King Wenceslas") # Christmas in December # # Wow, wow, wow # # Give me tons of presents # # Now, now, now. # Hey, Homer. Writing a new Christmas carol? Maybe. Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together. # There's a stranger in the manger # # And his name is Love... # Take it, Homer. Oh, I got it. You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus. Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits. Now beat it. Why, thank you, Homer. It's a Popsicle in my favourite flavour... plain. (muffled scream) Lousy, no-good... How am I supposed to write a song with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time, and... Wait a minute. (playing three notes) # Everybody in the USA... # # Hates their stupid neighbour # # He's Flanders and he's really, really lame # # Flanders tried to wreck my song # # His views on birth control are wrong # # I hate his guts, and Flanders is his name # # F-L-A-N-R-D-S, he's the man that I hate best # # I'd like to see his house go up in flames. # Excuse me. I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song. David Byrne? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head. And I used to wrestle under the name El Diablo. I thought that was Philip Glass. Yeah, he wishes. Hey, Mister, if you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? It's already rewound. No, thanks. But I would like to sing it with you and produce it. (groans) Fine. (lush pop intro) # F-L-A # # His name is Ned # # D-R-S # # Ned's a stupid name # # He's worse than Frankenstein or Dr. No # # You can't upset him even slightly # # He just smiles and nods politely # # Then goes home and worships nightly # # His Leftorium is an emporium of woe # # F-L-A # HOMER: # Don't yell at Ned # # D-E-R # # His wife is dead # (WOMAN SCREECHES, THUD) # Everybody hates that stupid jerk. # # Springfield rocks with Homer's joyous loathing # # Filling clubs... # # With angry Valentinos # # You don't have to move your feet # # Just hate Flanders to the disco beat # # He's your perky, peppy, nightmare neighbourino # FLANDERS: # If you despise polite left-handers # # Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders # # Or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd # That's us. Hooray! # F-L-A # # His name is Ned # # E-R-S # # He's so white bread # # The smiling, moustached geek # # Who walks with God. # Mass dismissed. Hey, what are we going to wear tomorrow? BILL: We're halfway through our same song six-pack. MARTY: Now let's hear William Shatner's version of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders." Another cover? My God, let it die. SHATNER (MONOTONOUSLY): # Everybody... in the... USA # # Hates their stupid neighbour # # He's the Flanders man # # The Flanders man # # Flanders... # I am so sick of that song. Me, too. I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels. Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while? Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip. I still think you should have left that at the motel. What? It said, "take one." Balloon ride, Wax museum, the Denzel Washington monument, Colonial Phoenix... Hey, Dude Ranch! And there's no radio or TV, so we won't have to hear your song. Sweet. Or we could go to Walter Gropius's Bauhaus Village. And fight the crowds? Forget it. The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea. This dude ranch is going to be great. A whole week without hearing that stupid song. You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix. (salsa music playing) # No nos gusta Flanders # # Es un hombre estupido # # No nos gusta Flanders... # Watch it, Mr. Byrne. You'll slip on the Simonize. Simonize?! Whoa... whoa... Can you take me to the hospital? Yeah, no problem. Wasn't that the hospital? Uh, you ever seen the movie Misery? Actually, no. MOE: Then this'll all be new to ya. HOMER/MARGE/BART/LISA: # Silver bells # Welcome to the Lazy I ranch, where we give you a week of rustic ranch livin'. Do you have an Internet connection? Internet?! (cackling) Son, the only Internet connection we got is a dedicated DSL port in the business centre. Or you could patch in through the smart-fridge in your cabin. Hmm, if said fridge is truly smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and baloney by the time I get there. Goodbye. "On this battleground in 1881, "56 Indians lost their lives and four brave Americans lost their hats." Those poor hats. (sobbing) This whole ranch is appalling. It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people. Just our way of making y'all feel welcome. You're not listening. I never do! Yee-haw! (grunting) Oh! (laughing) I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from. Daddy, I need upsies. Coming, sweetie. (grunts) (blowing raspberry) Well, he sure shut us up. Mm-hmm. (excited shouting) I really don't want to do a lot of flip-de-loops. No problem. You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here. Pleased to meet ya. Have a tooth. (groans) Hey, Crabby Hayes, get with the program. I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting. I'm going to my room. Hold it right there. (gasps) Mama Rattlesnake will be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un. (rattling) Luke Stetson, junior wrangler. I'm Lisa Simpson. And you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals. Well, if you like animals, you won't want to disappoint that pony over there. She's just aching to show you around. I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day. Sorry you're not interested. Because I need somebody to help me to hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs. That was a delicious meal, Cookie. What do we do with our garbage? Just leave it for Cleanie. (loud snuffling) (as Gollum): My precious. Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress? He unified the nations of the western plains. Five dollars or three for 12. Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop? You mean Package B. And this is supposed to save our marriage? I thought you guys lived off the land. How come you're selling junk to jerks like us? We used to live and farm in a bountiful valley. Then the river was dammed to make that lake... by our ancient enemy, the beaver. Why don't you just chase the beavers away? Unfortunately, the beaver is also our god. In retrospect, it was a poor choice. You people are guests in our country, and the beaver have no right to treat you that way. If I get back your land, will you promise to build a casino on it? Sure. And when we do, your breakfast will be comped. How many decks will your Black Jack dealers use? Eight. Three. Four. Deal. My brother. (gasping): Oh... Oh, Luke. I didn't gasp like that until I was 18. All right, son, we just knock over this dam and the noble Native Americans can reclaim the land that is theirs. (grunting) (screams) (groans) No, I wanted to die choking on food. I'll save you. (grunting) So long, suckers. (laughing) Uh-oh. (screams) Stop shoving, the little one isn't getting any. (screams) Thanks for making me feel better about this place, Luke. Lisa, this here's the New West where we respect our equine and bovine Americans. Uh, well, maybe we should just mosey on over this way. Free range, my ass. Tonight, you're going to be swimming next to a matzo ball. I-I think maybe we should just look at the clouds. Well, ain't that purty? Oh, it looks like a happy sheep. (wind whistling) (gulps): Ooh. Oh, damn it. Shucks, Lisa, you sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke. Mom, why are you talking like that? Don't rightly know. I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy. I'll stop now. Well, I like it here, too. Luke has showed me the gentle side of the old west. He's really sophisticated for a 13-year-old. Thir-what-year-old? Lisa, you're only eight. But when he's 23, I'll be 18. Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future. I didn't marry the first boy I... well, I did. But you shouldn't. (frustrated groan) Want to play a little longer? It's only 10:00, and the moon is awful big. Well, heck, you should see it when it's full. (playing "Red River Valley") Oh, no, they're making beautiful music together. Let's see, move that there. Do a flanking manoeuvre there. Wind should be coming in from the south. Time it to coincide with the beaver holiday. (groans) This map is useless. Useless! Homey, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up. It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What are you going to do? But they're already acting like teenagers. Lisa's with that boy, and look at Maggie. # Oops, I did it again # # I played with your heart # # Got lost in the game # # Oh, baby, baby, oops... # Look, Cookie, there's a dance tonight. A dance! A dance! (whooping and hollering) Whoo, I'm pooped. I'm going to bed. Bed! Whoo-ah! Yee-ah-ha! LUKE: All righty, I'll see you tonight, and I'll save you the first dance. Love you, too, Clara. (gasps) Clara? He's got a girlfriend. I feel like such an idiot. (crying) Hey, bottom bunk's mine. Keep going. (sobbing) # It's Christmas time in the city... # Oh, that is, like, so moving. I can't believe Luke has another gal. (mockingly): "My name is Clara. I've known Luke for more than five days." GIRL: Excuse me. Is the way to the Lazy I Ranch? Yeah, it sure is. But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut. Thanks, darlin'. See you at the dance. (horse neighs, bird caws) I look forward to it. (false laughing) I hate you. Oh, boy. Check it out, beavers. Delicious motel furniture. They took the bait. Let's go. Uh-oh. We forget to empty the mini-bar. (chirping) (gasps) That's a $17 deck of cards! Let it go, Dad. (chirping) Quick, find the master log. There's always a master log. (grunts) We did it. Finally, man has triumphed over a small furry animal. Treaty, treaty, treaty, bill, treaty... peace pipe, Aficionado magazine. Thank you. You have restored our village and our way of life. We would like to make you honorary members of our tribe. Drink deep from these cups. (gulping) The bear urine will make you strong. (chuckles) Actually, it's Fresca. Fresca?! (western swing music playing) # Well... grab your partner and start swingin' 'em # # Don't forget the two-drink minimum # # Take your corner by the hand # # Get adult videos on demand # # Flash your teeth, let's see those smiles # # Pay with Visa, earn free miles. # Yee-haw! (music stops) Dang it. Clara should be here by now. I'm sure she's just running late, or she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are. That sure don't sound like my sister. Sister?! You mean she's not your girlfriend? Hell, no. They outlawed that in this state two years ago. (whimpers) Need help now. Come with me. Done something really terrible. Don't really care, just totally caught up in moment. I have some sad news for y'all. After this dance, I'm heading to jail. One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months. Yee-haw! (fires pistols) Blanks... they just don't feel the same. (hooting) (howling) (chattering) So I sent Luke's sister down the wrong trail, and... hey, where'd all this water come from? There used to be a trail here. And there used to be a beaver dam there. Who are you, the "usedta" police? CLARA: Help! Help me! I can't swim. I'm one lesson short. (whimpers) How can we get across? Hey, beavers, remember me, you buck-toothed nerds? (Bart laughing) Run across. I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend. Well, that certainly justifies attempted murder. You know, there are more important things in this world than boys. Wh... Hello, handsome. What's up, cootie-breath? Look at those stupid city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats. Homer, those are elk. I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Point! (sad groans and squeals) Lisa, Clara told me about how you saved her last night. Did Clara tell you anything else? No. Just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods. Listen, Luke, it's my fault Clara got lost. I didn't know she was your sister, and I wanted you all to myself. You would do that just for me? That's despicable. You're the kind of city slicker my family left Central Park West to avoid. You got a lot of chutzpah, missy. Goodbye. (crying) Oh, I had my first crush, and all it did was make me do terrible things. And then break my heart. (crying) Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts. Who is he? You, Homey. Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy. Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air. D.J.: Coming up next, Springfield's latest one-hit wonder: "The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. # Moe, Moe, Moe # # How do you like me? How do you like me? # # Moe, Moe, Moe # # Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me. # (turns off radio) Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch. Ya-hoo! Ooh, that can't be good for the struts. Captions by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016