1 Tommy, hurry up. You're gonna be late for school again! Son of a...! Damn! (GASPS) (PANTS) DOG BARKS Nice doggie! Nice doggie! HORN HONKS > Holy snikes! Late again, Tommy? You're pathetic! Shut up, Richard! Come, on, come on! Hurry up, Tommy! (COUGHS) Damn! Oof! (GROANS) (WHIMPERS) Hi, how are ya? Oh man! No! Please, God, no! Son of a...! (PANTS) Excuse me. I'm sorry. Pardon me. Can I just check this? D+... Oh my God. I passed! I passed! Oh man! I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward. I'M GONNA GRADUATE! D+! (YELLS) I'm gonna graduate! LOUD ROCK/LAUGHTER Wombat! Whoo! Hey, guys, do I look different now I'm a college grad? Not really. Apparently they give a lot fewer D+ than D-. It's not a grade they like to give out, I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. You mentioned that. So that's it for school, huh? Now what? No idea. But for now, I'll probably go back and work at my dad's loading dock like always. Then after that, figure it out. I'm gonna miss you, man. You were the best. Uh-uh. You were the best. I love all you guys. Especially you. I'm gonna make a toast. To the best bunch of freaks ever born. Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus, maybe we spent a little too much time puking off balconies, but we had fun, huh? ALL: YEAH! Some of us are leaving, and that is sad. But this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're gonna show... LAUGHTER Richard Hayden? Tommy. So, where's my dad? I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport. He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane. He said he had a surprise for me. Maybe. I guess you shoulda called. I did call, earlier, when using the phone. Earlier. When was that? Or later... when, then... I, uh,... left a message. A message? What number did you call? 2-4... 9er... 5... 6... 7, 8... I can't hear you. You're trailing off. And did I catch a 9er in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie? No, it was a cordless. Mm-hm. You know what? Don't. Not here, not now. Did you hear I finally graduated? Yeah. And just a shade under a decade, too. All right! You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years. I know. They're called doctors. Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs? Hey, what happened to the tyre plant? Shut it down last month. Hey, would you mind not eating in the car? It's kind of a rule. Still got your GTX car, huh? Yeah. And I dropped in a 440 magnum with a 6-pack. You hang on to a car this cherry. Kind of like your suitcase. 'Kind of like your suitcase'! Hey, what's new with the old gang from high school ? I don't know, Tommy. I didn't really like the old gang from high school. Hey, the muffler plant's gone too. Yep. Oh, come on! Dammit! Oh, that sounds good (!) Melted chocolate in the dash. That really ups the re-sale value. I think you're gonna be OK, here. They have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that. I think your brain has a thick candy shell. Your... Your brain has the shell on it. Are you talking? Shut up! Don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out. Any business that tries to wait it out that will be just that ` out. In auto parts, you're either growing or you're dying. There ain't no third direction. Tom, you're talking about a huge loan. Maybe instead of borrowing, you should take on a partner. No. No, this always has been, always will be a family firm. My grandfather founded it in '21. My father keep it running during the Depression. My aunt Eileen ran it when he went away to war, and someday my son will run it. Hi, Dad. Tommy! THEY LAUGH BOTH: Whoa! Damn, I'm proud of you! Mr Big-time College Grad, huh? Thanks, Dad. You're looking great, kid. Thanks. How you doing, Mr Reilly ? Oh, real good. Real good. I had a kidney removed last April, but I still have the other one. Yeah, you remember Mr Gilmore from the bank? Yeah. Nice to see you again, sir. How are you? How are you? Listen, why don't you come out on the floor with us? Gilmore needs reminded why he does business with us. Listen, Richard, could you, uh` Yeah. Run these by figures by Accounting. No problem. My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators. We should have something for you by this afternoon. Hard hats, gentlemen. Get hit on the head without wearing one of these, they scoop your brains out with a goddam soup ladle. All right, look alive. Low bridge! OW! Son of a... You alright, Tommy? Yeah. What happened? Nothing. Danny, how's that new son-in-law? He's a real pain in the butt! Hey, Tommy, you're back! Hey, way to go on that D+! Hey, thanks, Danny. Looking good, man! Hey, Tommy ! Hey, man. How are you doing? ALL GREET TOMMY Good to see you! How are you doing? Hey, Sammie! Hey, Tommy! Welcome home, buddy! Tommy, welcome back! Hang in there. We're almost there. Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office. Hey, Louis! Hey, Louis! Hey, Tommy ! What you doing on the floor? Yeah, I was going crazy on the loading dock, so your dad moved me in here. Hey, what is this thing? It's a buffer. I take all the filters that need smoothing and give them a quick zap. Cool. Can I try one? Help yourself. Nice distance! Tommy! Come on, let's go! Yes, sir. See ya. There she is, Ron. My dream. This, my friend, is our new brake pad division and the future of Callahan Auto. Quite a sight, Tom. This is awesome! You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionise the industry? Composed of high-grade steel and graphite. They're the goddam Rolls Royce of brake pads, that's what they are. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Whoa! Hey, you're comin' awful fast! How are you doing? I need fresh capital for material, for a new workforce before I can turn these machines on. Look out. I've got catlike speed and reflexes. Now, in 23 years, have I ever said no to you? Huh? Why say no when it feels so good to say yes? Wah! (SHRIEKS) I was checking the, uh,... specs on the end line for the rotary girder. I'm retarded. OK, Tom, let's go. Yes, sir. OK, left. Can I open my eyes now, Dad? I told you you didn't have to close 'em in the first place, son. Here, go ahead. Go ahead, open 'em up. That's my name! Yeah. That's your new office now, college grad! Go on in there! Awesome! Hey, there's even a fridge! This is great! You could put six-packs of be... soda here! Milk, yoghurt... You could put candy bars in the freezer. Anything that you wanna keep cool. I need your John Hancock on these reports. John Hancock! It's Herbie Hancock. Hey, Richard, check out my new office! You have a window. And why not? You've been here 10 minutes. These are our new catalogues. Get to know them. They're important. Richard! Promise me you'll look after Tommy here till he gets his feet wet. Sure. And thanks for choosing me... Now, don't forget, we're going home early today. I got another surprise for you. Cool. Thanks, Dad! It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right. Group words together as a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches. Shut up! Can I open my eyes now, Dad? For God's sake, son, will you quit covering your damn eyes? Holy snikes! Is that for me ? No, son, that's for me. Oh man ! Dad,... she's like a 10! Hi, honey. Hi. Hi. This must be Tommy. Are you Tommy? I'm Tommy. I'm Beverly. And you are just adorable. Nah. Son, I got an announcement to make. Tom, I've asked Beverly to be my wife. Whoa! Man! What she say? It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday. So, where'd you guys meet? Uh, here you go. Uh, we met at that fat farm spa resort thing. Beverly was one of the trainers. In fact, she was the only trainer I didn't wanna plant six feet under a lettuce patch. Wait till you hear this. Wait till you here this, Tommy! She's got a son. He worked at the spa too. I met him. He's a terrific guy. You're really gonna like him. He's coming here today for the wedding. Tommy, it sounds funny saying this, but my son is going to be your new brother. Brother? I'm gonna have a brother? I've always dreamed about having a brother! DOORBELL Speak of the devil! MY BROTHER! Brother...? I'm Paul. You must be Tommy. Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug! (LAUGHS) I can't believe I have a new family. This is awesome! Yeah. Great. No offence, but If I sent a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be boner of the month. I'm honoured. Is there anything to do here besides eat? Tons of stuff ` late-night pitch and putt. We could go to the stock auction and cruise the 4H babes. Throw stuff off the bridge... What do you feel like doing? I don't know. Something a little more dangerous. Sure! All you can handle, bro. LOUD ROCK Look at 'em there. Pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left. She's perfect. Which one you want? Huh? (CHUCKLES) OK. Does it make a difference? Oh, yeah. Wait a second ` is this your first time? Yeah, Tommy, it is. God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. I can't believe you never been cow-tipping before! Get ready to live. Shh, she's sleeping. What you do is you put your shoulder into her and push. And? They fall over. This doesn't strike you as kind of... dumb ? We're family. We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait till Christmas. Keep you feet shoulder-width apart. Stand between the udder and the hock. Ready. (GRUNTS) Son of a...! COW MOOS Holy snikes! Hey, get off my property! Run for it! Run for it! GUNSHOTS I'll save you, brother! I'm OK. Get away from me! Get up! I love you! Hey, get me. My turn. Over here! These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life. Man, did I get douched with mud! Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. Oh man, that's cold! # I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor. # And I'm dancing like I've never danced before. # COUGHS, SPLUTTERS Did you eat a lotta paint chips when you were a kid? (LAUGHS) Why? Morning, Richard. Hi. (DISTORTED VOICE) Lol, lol, lol, lol... Lal lal lal... Luke,... Luuuuuke,... I am your father! Lor, lal, lol, lay... Lol, la... KNOCKING Aw. I interrupted happy time! Look, your father wants you to check out the delay problems were having at the loading dock. Now, I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today. OK ? That was from Star Wars. I know. RT, I think I've figured out the problem. This order's going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery. But you've got it marked down for two. That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio. You see the letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, wonder boy? Uh,... that's pretty much it for now. Hey, Tommy. Maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe! Tommy Callahan ? Huh ? Huh ? Michelle Brock, Chaparral High. Remember? Oh, yeah, I remember. I sat next to you in history! You work here? It's so bizarre that you work here! Come on in. Oh, and forget RT. He's just pissed off cos he recently found out what a loser he is. Loser! Hey, nice! How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets? I don't like file cabinets. Why not ? You have to open 'em. I've got my own system, it hasn't failed me yet. All the shipping orders go through me, which means I spend about half of my pathetic anal life in here. So if I couldn't do things my own way, I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town. Cool! Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal donuts. He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Kiahoga Falls. Wow. Want one? I'd better not. Uh, I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get 'em lodged right in this region here. How about some coffee? I'd love some. Man! I bet half the town's here. Yeah. You look great, Dad. You look good too, Tommy boy. Listen, Tommy,... this marriage thing, I know it's a big step, but, you know, ever since your mom died... Well,... look, Tommy, there's something about getting old and being alone. You know, there's something... Dad,... it's cool, you know? I just want you to be happy. Yeah, I know you do. And I am kid. I am happy, Tommy boy. Uh, they're ready for you, sir. Good. Well, we're ready too. So,... how do we look ? Chubby. I think that's the champagne talking. # 'Here Comes The Bride' # And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity. If there's any person finds a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or for ever hold your peace. You kidding? Go get 'em, Tom! < Yeah ! < Yeah ! LAUGHTER Now, by the powers vested in me by the state of Ohio, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. CHEERING # I know you wanna leave me, # but I refuse to let you go. # If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy, # I don't care cos you mean that much to me. # Ain't too proud to beg... # Hey, guys. Oh now, look ! Say something to the bride and groom. Hey, Dad and Beverly, this is Michelle Brock, the prettiest girl in Sandusky. Michelle, say a little something into the camera. A little something into the camera. Sounds good, Tom, but I'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit. Fair enough, Doug. Of course, I could get a hell of good look at a steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass. But I'd rather take the butcher's word for it. Bull's ass ` that's great. Can you guarantee everything you sell? I could guarantee you all day long, but we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it. Sounds good, Tom. I'll send the contract next week. Good man. Good man. You're still the best, Tom. Eight whiskey sours, I still sell the son of a bitch ` damn, I'm good! I wanna tell you you really look dynamite today, Beverly. Yeah, Tom, you are lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some o' that! Good Lord. Oh, God, no. Listen, Richard, you got an edit button on that thing? It'll cost ya! C'mere. C'mere, you prick! All right, all right, all right. Hold it a second, folks. Wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah, It's working now. Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming today to welcome two new Callahans to the family ` my beautiful wife, Beverly, and my new son, Paul. I feel like the luckiest man in the world today. Hit it! But right now I'm gonna need you, Tommy boy, to get this place going! For me, Dad? Yeah, you, Tommy boy! Get up! Dad, I really don't think` OK. Take it, Tommy boy ! # Hey, momma, don't you treat me wrong. # Come and love me, baby, all night long... # Testify, Tommy boy, testify. # Ohh! # Alright, now. # Tell me what I say... # Second round for me! # See the girl with the diamond ring, # she knows how to twist that thing. # Oh, oh! # That's right, Dad ! # Hey, hey... # Come on, now, Dad ! # Alright, now. # Tell me what I say... # Hit the heys and hos. # Hey! # HEY! # HEY! # Ho! # HO! # Hey! HEY! # Ho! HO! # Hey! Ho! Hey, hey, hey, hey! ALL CHEER Yeah, Dad! Come on now! # Tell me what I say. # Tell me what I say. # Come on now! # MUSIC TRAILS OFF Dad...? Somebody call 911! SHOCKED MURMURS 1 BAGPIPES PLAY 'AMAZING GRACE' There's not much more we can say, really. We've lost someone we love. And it hurts. Even though Tom is gone, he'll remain in our lives for ever, comforting us, making us laugh... and watching over us. MOURNFUL WAIL OF BAGPIPES BIRDS CRY My dad gave me this boat. We'd come out late when there was no-one else on the lake, and there he'd be over there on the shore and he'd yell, 'Quit playing with your dinghy'! I'm gonna really miss him. Your father was a great guy. Yeah. I'm really glad you brought me out here. I can't believe you wanted to. Although it's pretty fun. If we had some wind...! I can't believe there's no wind. You need wind, cos it, um... ...Helps push the sail. Yeah. So,... what are you gonna do now ? I don't know. But... I gotta do something. I don't know what. Man, do I sound like an idiot! No. Sorry about this wind. I can't believe there isn't any wind out here. This is ridiculous. No, it's great. It's very... peaceful. Hey, Tommo! You ain't moving! RAUCOUS LAUGHTER Yeah. Need a little wind here! No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp! Rascals! I guess that's your theory! So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Hey, your sail is limp, like your dick! Watch your language in front of the lady, punk! Jeez. You were saying? Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the skipper? YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN'T PICK UP! COS I'LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS! Ooh (!) Jeepers creepers. Those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that. You were saying about the, um` Hey, lady, look out! There's a fat whale in your boat! Yeah! Free Willy! Listen up, you little spazoids, I know where you live, and I've seen where you sleep! I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you! I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live. That was awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble. Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out. But as you realise, Callahan has been family-owned since Tommy's great-grandfather laid the first brick. And I'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch. Frank, if we sell while our value's still high, everyone who owns stock in this company stands to make a lot of money. That of course includes you, Mrs Callahan, now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders. It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this. I don't wanna hear the word SELL again. But Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat till we figure things out. I'm sorry, Frank, we can't do it. Tom got in way over his head when he built the new brake pad division. The bank just can't take a chance on putting up any more money. Now, let's face it, when big Tom died, Callahan Auto may have died with him. If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under. And that's when the whores come in. MEN GROAN Excuse me? What was that? Not again. Men laying their trick money down. $20 to pay the rent. 'Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore!' Frank, I really don't think we have any choice. Maybe I can help. I'll give you everything I've got. My house, the stock... If I give you that stuff as collateral, then will you give us that loan? Well,... yes, I suppose so. Wait a second. What are you saying, Tommy? You just wanna hand over your inheritance? Right. If it'll help get the brake pads going. My dad said the new pads were the future at Callahan. But who's going to sell 'em ? I will. I'll go on my dad's sales trip. I'll be damned! Whores running around doing their little behind-shake for the men folk. I kinda like her idea. Christ's sake. Once during the war, I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since. Now, hold on a minute. Do we really wanna put the future of the company in Tommy's hands? We're running low on options, here, Ted. I can hold off Zalinsky for a couple of weeks. What do we got to lose? How about the jobs of 300 people? No offence, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads. Hey, I know I'm probably not the answer you guys are looking for. But I feel like I oughta do something. You're right, I don't know much about this stuff. But he does. Oh, no. That's right. Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here. And since you were my dad's right-hand man,... I'd say you had the rest of the year pretty much wide open. Time out. Bad idea. I don't think anyone could help Baby Huey out there on the road. Do you have a better suggestion? SQUELCH Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter. MUSIC UP Hey, what did I say about eating in the car, anyway? That it's not good, cos it spoils your dinner? Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me. I'm out here against my will, so the least you can do it pretend to work. OK? Now, let's review. OK, you're right. Review time. Let's do it. Feed me! First, what are the three grades of Callahan brake pads? Um,... personal, commercial and,... uh,... agricultural! And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse? Oh man! 1�... 1�%! I knew that! Why can't I remember it? Try an association like, uh... Let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain. How much do you use? 1�%. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin. I gotta do this, I gotta do this! I gotta! I gotta do this! It's gotta be me! Are you ready? Yeah. Sorry. I'm ready. Hey, does this suit make me look fat? No, no, no. Your face does. OK, let's check you out. Alright... It's a clip-on. Are you sure (?) All right. Now, it's sale time, so remember ` we don't take no... No shit from anyone! No. No. Uh, we don't take no prisoners! We don't take no for an answer. Oh yeah. We don't take no for an answer. We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer. No. No. Okey-dokey! No. No. Gotcha. Thanks. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Terrific! Thanks for your time. Let me say... maybe. Well, then. I'd just like add that the spectrometer readout on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix indicates a good rich strobe and fade, decreasing incidents of wear to the pressure plate. If you could just` If you could just` Whoa, little fella. You're not speaking my language. What my associate is trying to say is that, uh... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family, and you're driving along, 'lally la, whoo',... and then all of a sudden, there's a truck tyre in the middle of the road, and you hit the brakes. Whoa. That was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the other guy's brake pads. You're driving along, you're driving along, and all of a sudden, the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!' 'Not now, dammit!' Truck tyre, EEK! 'I can't stop!' 'HELP! There's a cliff!' 'Argh!' And your family's screaming, 'Oh my God, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!' In comes a meat wagon! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh my God.' New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. BLERGH! All because you wanna save a coupla pennies. To me, it doesn't` Get out. Now! Sir,... Do you validate? No! OK. Thank you. She's a quart low. Oh yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in. That's your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, OK? I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure. You're a huge embarrassing failure. What? Nothing. (PATSY CLINE) # Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so... # Hey, chief. Could you tell me how far it is to Davenport? 22 mile. OK. I can't find it on this map. Well, get yourself a new map. Son of a...! Well, it's gotta be on the map, Davenport, I mean, because you say it's 22 mile away. And you're really smart. Yet it's not on the map. Hmm. I'm picking up your sarcasm. Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick. (GRUNTS) # Crazy for thinking that my love... # That's a map of Illinois. Which we're in. On the border of Iowa. Which is where Davenport is. 22 mileSSS away. You're in the wrong state. Get yourself a new map. Oh. Well, that wasn't so hard, was it? OK. How much do I owe for gas? He didn't pump any. What? Hey, why didn't you pump any gas? They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station. What did you do? JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS I'd just like to welcome you all to our annual Callahan employee night. I know it doesn't quite feel the same without big Tom here. But we're still a family. So let's try and have some fun. Hey, Mr Rittenhauer, is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place? Tommy's out there filling in for his dad until we get things settled here. Are you kidding? We're all screwed! That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree! CROWD MURMURS Mommy, I wanna popsicle. 'Mommy, I wanna popsicle.' OW! God, that hurt. You wanna act like a baby, I'll treat you like one. Now,... if you wanna act like a big boy... Bad Mommy! Don't call me that. It's creepy. Come on, this is working out better than we planned. I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in a divorce settlement. Instead, the guy croaks, you own half the company. Yeah, well, it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash. You talk to the banker? Yeah. Unfortunately, your stock isn't worth dick until they sell the place. But that moment is rapidly approaching. Hi, Grandpa! Hi! Mr Rittenhauer, is Tommy, you know,... doing OK ? Well, sometimes it takes a little time for a salesman to find his style. Think he's finding one? I hope so. I hope so. BELL RINGS Hold on right there, honey. I'll see you, Michelle. OK. See you. I'm telling you, Paul, the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy. The guy's an idiot. He won't sell squat. This is what I think of Callahan. Tommy save the factory? That's a laugh! Whoa! Ohh! (GROANS) I don't see any McKeesport. It's the next town, tonnes of fun. It's gotta be there. OK. Where's Moron? OK, Moron's here. So McKeesport... Yeah. Look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here` DEER! You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right? Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me, you woulda seen it coming! Shut up, Tommy! It's not my fault! Poor little furry thing. I've never seen one close up before. What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here. THEY SOB Oh no. Loading it up took us over an hour. Now we only got 20 minutes before Brady Automotive closes. Yeah, well, where are we gonna take the deer? I dunno. The vet? You take dead animals to the vet? Why not I'd take you to the vet. Yeah, I'd take you to the... Got that? Shut up! He's just down the hall, sir. Last door on the left. Thank you. Hey, what's your hurry ? You know that thing in the backseat? It's not an air freshener, it's a dead rotting deer carcass. We gotta take care of it quick. Now, this is one of our oldest customers, so we should be in and out. Hey, this sales thing isn't so easy. You can't just go in and out. You gotta finesse 'em a little bit. Hey, by finesse, do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire ? No, but it's nice to see you again, Mr Insult. Say, have you seen Richard anywhere? Cos if you do, could you ask him, I mean, since he's so good, if he might wanna try selling? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Watch and learn. Of course I understand what 'no' means. But if I took no for an answer, I'd probably wind up on a street corner selling spicy hot dogs and wearing a funny, right? It makes sense, doesn't it? Look, I been doing business with Callahan since I hung out my shingle. But I don't like you, probably never will. You're smug, unhappy little man, and you treat people like they were idiots. Um,... Mr Brady, you and my dad go way back. Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad. I was. But, uh, before I decide to keep my business with your place, I'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation. Hey, I tell you what ` you can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But wouldn't you rather take his word for it? What? I'm, uh, failing to make the connection here, son. No. I mean, you can get a good look at a steak by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then... No, it's gotta be your bull. Wow. Here's the deal. If I want you... You have derailed. Shut up, Richard! Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here. Forget it. I quit. I can't do this, any more, man! My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked, and every time I drive down the road, I wanna jerk the wheel into a god-damned bridge! I... We'll be in touch. That guy might not call us. I can't believe he called me a psycho. Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho. Good God. And comb your hair. Yeah? Well, I wouldn't say you did much better. Thought you were so cool! 'Watch and learn', he says. Well, I was watching. You know what I saw? < (SNORT) (SNORT) Argh ! Argh ! Argh ! Argh ! Argh ! Argh ! It's alive! I think it tried to bite me! Oh God! Oh man! (HOWLS) No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed. I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was... awesome! But sorry about your car, man. That sucks. 'We'll return to the Zalinsky Family Theatre after these messages.' Will you shut the window, Tommy; you're letting moths in. No, it's hot in here. Would you please just` Shh! Look, it's him! America, if you need starters, spark plugs, ball joints, gaskets, cam shafts or rocker arms ` anything that can be screwed or glued to that car or truck of yours: come see Ray! Hey, you wanna guarantee? I got a guarantee stamped on every box. He's got really weird hair! But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker. I want your truck to help you get the job done. I want your cruiser to get out there safely, so you can clean up the streets. And I want your kids to be safe when you take 'em for a ride. Thanks, Ray! Thank you, son. The name's Zalinsky. I make car parts for the American working man, because that's what I am, and that's who I care about. # Zalinsky, the auto-parts king! # He seems like a nice guy. This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is, 'He seems like a nice guy!' He does! PHONE RINGS Yello. Hey, Michelle! Wow! I'm glad you called me back! Yeah. Things are great. I feel my first sale coming on real soon. Yeah, he's here. He's going over his car insurance forms. Could we get more moths in here? HOOVER > Richard's vacuuming. He's vacuuming. I don't know, I guess he's... clean. Michelle, can I call you back in a few minutes? Thanks. I miss you. Bye. Hey, you can't sleep with the window open. And I'm gonna lay down some other rules too. What are you so mad about? Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask? My car is destroyed, we haven't made one sale, which means we only have to sell about 500,000 brake pads in the next 10 days or else the factory's going under! And the one guy that should care about all this ` you ` doesn't. You know what, Richard? You don't know me as good as you think you do. I care about stuff. I'm getting better at this sales thing. Well, I'm not, but I could if you helped me! Forget it. I've got enough to do without having to change your diapers. Richard? Is this your coat? (LAUGHS) Don't do it. Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat! Don't do it. # Fat guy in a little coat. # Fat guy in a little coat... # Take it off, dickhead. I'm serious. Richard, what's happening? Uh-oh. LOUD ROCK PLAYS Hey, good tune, man! TURNS MUSIC LOUDER I don't think so. CHANGES CHANNEL Yeah, here we go! This song sucks! (THE CARPENTERS) # Long ago... # Talk about lame! Totally. You can change it if you want. I don't care. It's up to you. I can live with it if you can. Suit yourself. # ...I fell in love with you... # (BOTH) # Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby! # You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby ! # Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby! # I love you... # BOTH: ARGH! CAR HORNS BLARE ARGH! Oh God! TRUCK HORN BLARES BOTH: ARGH! CAR HORNS BLARE BOTH GASP Hey. I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was you who put the oil in. Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10W30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. True. But you can't latch the hood too well IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE WORTHLESS! I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad. That's right ` you're not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Ketchup popsicle? Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father, and he looked out for me, but you ` he was your real dad, and you just took him for granted. 'Hey, I'm Big Tom's son. He'll fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a moron'! That's it! Get out! Get out of the car! It's go-time, you and me! 'Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car!' 'I'm too fwaid to get out! He just a little guy!' That's it, big boy, I'm gonna whale on you! You'll gonna regret volunteering for this job, porky. Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf! You don't want none of me. Think it through. Come on, gimme your best shot. I'll give you a free one. Let me have it` That's it? Come on, you can do better than that, can't you, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again. Hey, everybody, is there a window open? I feel a draught! If I'd wanted a kiss, I would have called your Mother. That was a good one. Hey, prehistoric forest! (BRENDA LEE) # I'm sorry, so sorry, # that I... # Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts. No, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder. My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does. Right here. Not here or here so much, but right here. No. Shipshape. Waitress, could I get the shrimp cocktail in the glass case? Yep. And you, what I can I get... Jesus, what happened to your face? I knew it! See, Richard? I'll have chicken wings. Kitchen's closed until dinner. We've just got cold stuff and desserts. Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot. You sure it's closed? Let me check. Yep, it's closed. OK. I'll just have a sugar packet or two. Hey, what's your name ? Helen. That's nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Let's say I go into some guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well, then I get all excited. I'm like Jo-Jo, the idiot circus boy, with a pretty new pet! The pet is my possible sale. 'Oh, my pretty little pet. I love you!' So I stroke it and I pet it and I massage it... I love it! I love my little naughty pet! You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go... (CHOKING NOISES) Ohh! I killed it! I killed my sale! That's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right? God, you're sick. Tell you what. I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for you. Hey! Thanks, Helen. Tommy like. Tommy want wingy. Did the board to the head knock something loose? What are you talking about? That 180 you just pulled on the waitress. Why can't you sell like that? That was just having fun. If we didn't get the wings, so what? We still got that meat-lovers pizza in the trunk. Hey, you got the wings cos you were relaxed. You had confidence. And that's what it takes to sell. Confidence. Your dad had that. Why do you have to de-turd these things? My dad was smart. I'm not. Very true. But there's two types of smart ` book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago; and there's street smart: the ability to read people. And you know how to do that, just like your dad. He was the best at knowing what people wanted and what people needed to hear. That's what selling is all about. In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads. 'Hey, everybody, that's Tony Robbins!' Maybe you're right, Richard. I think I am. Holy Lord, look at this guy! I caught him right after a thanksgiving feed. Nice, Richard (!) I think I need a pooper scooper. I like your line, and I like your prices, but there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box. Heck, if something breaks down, you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV. Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925. Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out, 'I'm good. I'll never let you down, but if I do, I'm going to make things all better!' Our brake pads are made with a non-corrosive` Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it. My customers need to see that little label looking 'em right in the eye. Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher` (No!) What? What? (Remember ` chicken wings!) (Chicken wings?) All right. You wanna talk about guarantees, then` Fellas, you just ran out of time. Chicken wings. Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box ? Hm. Very interesting... Go on. I'm listening. Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box, cos he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside. Yeah. Makes a man feel good. Course it does. Why shouldn't it? You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter. Am I right, Ted? What's your point? The point is, how d'you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue-sniffer? 'Build a model airplane', says the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. Next thing you know, there's money missing of the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. But why do they put a guarantee on the box, then? Cos they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit! That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. OK. I'll buy from you. Well, that's... What? OWL HOOTS He's made one deal, Paul. It's not the end of the world. What would be good for us is if we were to sell the factory. They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales. Why don't you come to bed. I got it! What does the factory need? Trucks. They make stuff, they've gotta ship it. It's a must. See? It's all very simple. Stop the trucks, stop Tommy boy. LOW GROWLING DOG BARKS Argh! Argh! DOG SNARLS DOG BARKS Oh God! Not good. (SCREAMS) 1 Come on, man, let's at least take five minutes to celebrate our first victory! Look, we got lucky. Don't jinx it. We only have a week left before the loan's due. Now, I've got to finish figuring out our trip tonight so we can jam out early. OK. I'll tell you what. You work out all the scientific stuff, I'll go out and get pizza. The only thing I need to figure out is whether to get Chicago-style or a thin crust. The salesman has left the building! (INDISTINCT) Oh, mamacita! Hi. Hi. Tommy, scram. Don't give her the weight-room thing. You know where the weight room is? I'll check it out. Sorry. (Idiot!) Oh, Daddy like! You get wet, honey. You deserve a swim. Now take off that itchy robe... Uh-uh. Nobody's around! It's naughty time. Oh, for the love of God, I've been patient. Please don't stop. Oh, those are real. No-one's looking. Speaking of no-one's looking... Bad girl. Oh, thank you! I'm back! Richard! What were you doing? Going over some documents! Where are they? Jeez, I don't see them. They're in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza. They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase? Hm, that's a mystery. (GASPS) Richard, were you watching Spankyvision? OK, then. Let's hit it. Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian ` oh, what's his name...? Buddy Whackit! All right, then. Let's get some shut-eye. Hey, that's a pretty girl down there! Good for her. Jeez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees? Couldn't tell you. Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum going. Yeah. That'd be good. Richard? Who's your favourite Little Rascal? Alfalfa... or is it Spanky? (CHUCKLES) Sinner. (INAUDIBLE) Yes, I'll buy. Yes, I like what I hear. Yes, sounds good. By the way, did you ever eat paint chips as a kid? (INAUDIBLE) Oh! Son of a...! I'm OK. 1000 units to Oshkosh? Tommy, that's fabulous. Your dad never sold 1000 in Oshkosh. Uh-uh, not since I've been here. (TIMBUK 3) # Things are going great, and they're only getting better. # I'm doin' alright, getting good grades. # The future's so bright, # I gotta wear shades... # (INAUDIBLE) # Well, I'm heaven-blessed and wordly-wise. # I'm a peeping-Tom techie with X-Ray eyes. # Things are going great... # Lord, I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life. What the...? Richard, you're a riot! Stop the car! Son of a...! What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper, I got piss all over my pants! OK, thanks, bye. > Ah, there you are. While I waiting, I thought I'd make a couple of calls. OK, Mom, I'll call you later, then. Bye-bye. DIALLING TONE What do you want? I just wanted to tell you that Tommy's been talking a lot about you recently. Well, thought you might wanna know that. God, he's so sweet. You've no idea how much it means having you and your mom as family. He says the sweetest things about her. Well, everything he does is sweet. So, when does sweetie get back? This Friday, which is great, because we're backed up on orders as it is. He's turned into this selling machine. Well, between that and his sweetness, I'd say hang on to him. I gotta go. Yes, sir. I can have that for you tomorrow. Well, that'd be great. Thank you, sir. Ha-hoo! Yes! (HIGH) Housekeeping! GROGGY: No, thank you. Sleeping. Housekeeping! Come back in an hour. Housekeeping! You want towel? No towels! Need sleepy! Housekeeping! You want pillow? Please go away! Let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Excuse me, you want me jerk you off? What kinda hotel is this? Oh, it's you. Good morning, sunshine. Hey, guess what? I just called Auto Tech, and they decided to make an order. So according to my calculations, that puts us over the mark. We did it? We did it! YES! Oh, Richard, I'm so happy! Hold me! Yikes. Don't run away from your feelings! (DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNERS) # Too-ra loo-ra too-ra loo-ra ay. # And we can sing just like our fathers. # Come on, Eileen, oh, I swear. Well, he means # at this moment, you mean everything... # (REM) # It's the end of the world as we know it. # It's the end of the world as we know it. # It's the end of the world as we know it, # and I feel fine. # Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. # 6 o'clock, TV on... # THEY MUMBLE # SPANISH LOVE SONG # Something went haywire down in shipping and receiving. You shipments got screwed up on the computer, the wrong parts went to the wrong cities, now all hell has broken loose! I don't believe this! OK, so we call everyone and explain what happened. Half the orders have already been cancelled. What? They think it's an indication of how things work around here. The real problem is that we won't be able to make the payment to the bank. This is like a bad Twilight Zone. I think I'm growing a tumour. Look, if we talk to the bank, maybe they'll give us a break. Hell, we've been doing business with 'em for 23 years! Tommy, it's all over. You made a valiant effort, but we'll gonna have to sell to Zalinsky. I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company. What's gonna happen to the factory? He's gonna shut it down. Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers. He wants the Callahan name, that's all. Did anyone see Scanners ? Bottom line is by 6pm tomorrow, we'll all be unemployed. Don't say anything, OK? I know I've ruined your entire life and you hate me. So let me just pack my things. And I'll go crawl into a dark hole for a few years. Hi. Do you hate me? I just don't get it. I guaranteed overnight delivery. I mean, we faxed you the right shipping addresses, didn't we? Yes. And they were right when I put 'em into my computer, I swear! Oh man! This was so big! I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault. Why can't you put the files in the file cabinets like everybody else, huh? I mean, maybe if you weren't such a rebel you could avoid` Well, don't worry, because I've quit. So you won't have to put up with anything any more. Hey, Michelle, wait! Come on, please! Thanks. Have a good flight. May I help you? Hi, I called about a ticket to Kiahoga Falls. The name's Brock. Right. That flight's going through Columbus. Let me just call that up for you. Excuse me! Hello. Is Detective Duane Brock on duty today? This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it. Fish in a barrel, my friend. Town's a fish, people are the barrel. Fish in a barrel. What's wrong with you, Richard? You can't drink in a car. Don't you know we can get busted for that? I'm sorry, I did not know that. But right now we got a bigger problem. That is? Beer's coming back up. Oh, lord! Here we go. SIREN Cops! Damn it, Richard, the whole car smells like beer. They're never gonna believe I wasn't drinking. Hold on. No! What are you doing? I got an idea! SIREN What the hell? When I stop the car, run out screaming. No problem. Little trick my dad taught me. SIREN Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off! Son, uh,... roll around on the ground! Forget that! I'm starting to swell up! Save yourselves! Don't be the hero! Frank, I'm allergic to bees. Me too! They're huge, and they sting crazy! We'll come back later and check on you! Yeah, in a while. Save yourselves! Your firearms are useless against them! BOTH SCREAM Holy snikes, it worked! I just barfed in an anthill. Cool. Whoa. I think they're pissed. Yeah! That's the answer! Doesn't look like the answer. I don't remember eating that. No ` Zalinsky! We'll go to Chicago, tell him we're not for sale. He seems like a good guy on TV. He'll understand! You are dreaming. You can't stop him! You lost your shares to the bank, remember? What the hell? In less than 24 hours I lose the factory anyway. So why not give it a shot? Chicago? Chicago. 1 Hey! You can't park here! Uh, keep it. Hey! Hey, where are you going? Leave me a message, and I'll get back to you. Thanks. BEEP! Hi, Michelle, this is Tommy. Listen, I'm sorry about what I said. I was being an idiot! I wanna apologise, cos I didn't mean it. Anyway, Richard and I are going to Chicago to straighten things out. The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes. But I'm sorry, it's completely sold it. I can put you on another one at 3 o'clock this afternoon. Lady, we really need to get to Chicago. It's an emergency. Is there anything you can do? Hmm... I can put you in at Salt Lake City by 4, and there's another flight leaving from` I don't have time to go through another city. I need a direct flight to Chicago. Oh, I can reserve you a flight back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help? Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met? I don't think so. So, I'll talk to you later? OK. Bye. We're screwed. No tickets to Chicago. Not even stand-by. There's gotta be something we can do. Wait a minute. You got any money? Cos I got a plan. Yikes. We're gonna get busted. Let's get out of here. Too late. Hey, guess who's here? What are we serving tonight ` chicken or... chicken? What a nice surprise. They said we were gonna be short-handed this leg. You two take coach. Oh, and could you handle the announcements? Okey-dokey. No problemo. They're gonna know we're bogus. Relax. You get on the horn, I'll throw some peanut at 'em, we'll be in Chicago before you know it. OK, folks. The guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and has never been laid. Exits. OK. There's one back here. And there's, uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere. Usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten it, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... Hey, you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer, cos you're a retard. (GASPS) OK. And life preservers. These we may need. Although, what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain. (GASPS) To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tabs. Argh! Son of a...! BOTH SCREAM Choking! He's a big dumb animal, isn't he, folks? Folks, we're making our final approach into Chicago. Ma'am, are you still alive? Ma'am, there's a half-hour time limit. Ohh! Ay caramba! (MOUTHS) OK. Now, we're running out of time, so you can't go see Zalinsky like that. Now go change. Go. < MOANING CLATTERING/HOWLING Ohh! Argh! Shh! (GRUNTS) THUMPING Can you do your seatbelt? (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Ohh! I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine now. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm nervous, so I'm sweating. Yeah, well, you're gonna smell like a cab driver. Not that that's bad... I wanna be fresh for the meeting. Well, you look good. Are you ready? Ready or not, this is crunch-time. 525 ` that's it! Oh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark. Whoa! Look at this place! Welcome to the pros. No way. It's him! (INAUDIBLE) < There it is, my friend. The king himself. Let's do it. It's go-time. Ow! Where'd he go? I don't know. You check the elevators, I'll check the bank. Where is he? Where is he? LISTEN UP! THIS'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND! Has anybody...? Oh, Jeez! I... SIRENS Wow. What's going on out here? Walk slow. OK. Why? Nothing. Am I consorting with a known felon? Shut up, Richard! Hey, mom, it's the guy who robbed the bank! I didn't rob any bank! Oh yeah right, like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head (!) I got a tiny head? (Zalinsky!) (Say something!) Mr Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan. Big Tom Callahan's son. Sorry to hear about your dad. He was a good man. (SNIFFS) Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid. Sir, it's a taxi-cab air freshener. Great. You've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off. Sir, what exactly happened here? He came out of the shadows behind me. And after he hit me many, many times on the head with a hammer, I had to give up my gun. You know, I've got kids! So as more details emerge on this attempted bank robbery, Action 8 will be there. But the Callahan factory's been in my family for 70 years. You can't just shut it down. Son, you gotta look at it from my point of view. Callahan's a premium name. That's what I'm buying. I can make the parts in one of my factories, put 'em in a Callahan box and sell 'em in my stores at a premium price. Why keep your factory going when all I want's the god-damn box? I'll tell you way ` cos there's a town involved here. Callahan factory's the only thing keeping it alive! Look, believe it or not, I'm providing a service. I'm thinning the corporate herd. The weaker animals always go. Sure, the kids cry when you tie old Tiger to a tree and shoot him, but that's life! America's in a state of renewal. We gotta have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree and bash them with a shovel. Meanwhile, if I grab your share of the market, put a little coin in my pocket by being the asshole, well, what the hell. Know what I mean? Crash test. Boy, you sure are different in your TV commercials. What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public. All right? God, I love that! Hell, folks believe me when I tell them. We're not just building automotive components here. We're adding horse-power to American industry! You say one word to anyone, and I will kill you, do you understand me? It looks real... Yeah, TV's been good to me, son. I make car parts for the American working man, cos that's what I am, and that's who I care about. The truth is I make parts for the American working man, cos I'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better. Well, son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long, long time ago. You and your bald-headed friend here, you did what you could. That's commendable. Marty, have security see these boys out. Mrs Callahan. What's my family doing in there? 1 I thought they were on my side. They had a lot to gain if the factory was sold. Boy, did I screw up! My so-called family deserted me, Michelle's mad at me, I lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. Coulda done without that. Jeez, I'm an idiot! Boy, I sure let my dad down. Hey, you tried as hard as you could. When we first started out, I thought you'd walk through this like you walk through everything else, but you didn't. Your dad woulda been proud of you. And you got a friend out of it. Now, I know it doesn't matter cos you have so many, but... I don't. Thanks, man. Tommy! Michelle! Don't tell her about my hair. Let it go. Go, I was worried I wouldn't find you. I got your message. OK. I was at the airport, I was going home, and I saw your stepbrother and your stepmother, and he was kissing her. So? With his tongue. Eeugh! He's doin' his mommy? She's not his mom. They're married. They were lying to your dad the whole time. My brother got his police report. See? They lied to my dad? They lied to my dad? They're con artists. They suckered him. They lied to my dad! Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've... got a plan. Yikes. Folks, Mr Zalinsky gave us specific instructions to bar you from the building. Sorry, boys, hopefully, we'll just be... in and out. Oh my God, he's wired! And, uh, no cops. Wouldn't want things to get messy. That was fun. Now what? Well, it's 6 o'clock. Time for the news. Excuse me! Miss! Oh God! Done this before? Thank you, Marty. My, your hands move quickly. Only when I see something I want, Mrs Callahan. It just doesn't seem right. Hi. Got a second? What the hell's going on here? Oh my God, we're gonna die. Tommy what are you doing? Hi, Ted. Hi, Frank. Excuse me, Marty. OK. We're live. We now switch live to our reporter who's at the scene with the bomber. Hey, look! It's Tommy! Nicole, I've got something to say. Please, may I? Hi, this Tommy Callahan here with Mr Ray Zalinsky, American auto parts king. Honey, look at this human bomb on the news. Huh? Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought were watching cartoons! For years you've put ads on TV. And they always end up with you saying, 'I make car parts for...' How does it go? Uh,... I make car parts for the American working man because that's what I am, and that's who I care about. That's why I'm here, Ray. You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio, there are 300 American workers at Callahan Auto, who make the best parts money can buy. And right now, those workers are in danger of losing their jobs. And they're praying that somebody's gonna step up and help 'em. Is that why you have strapped a bomb to your chest? Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares. Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid or something? Why? Why? You guys want this or American Gladiators? ALL: Gladiators. So do you think Zalinsky Industries can you help these folks? I'll be happy to look into it. Hey, I'll tell you what ` I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it. Am I just severely wasted, or does Tommy look bloated? No, it's TV, man. Camera adds a couple... hundred pounds. Ray, we're not looking for a handout, here. I'm offering you a great deal. This is an order for 500,000 Callahan brake pads to be sold in your stores. Made by the American working man for the American working man. Well... Absolutely. It would be my great pleasure. I mean, what have I got to lose? A great American product, right? I don't believe it; Tommy just sold 500,000 brake pads! Tommy just sold 500,000 brake pads! ALL CHEER What difference does it make? The company's gonna be mine in 10 minutes anyway. Right? Mr Zalinsky, thank you. Thank you, Tommy boy. And thank you. And remember, you can pick up these great brake pads from Callahan Auto and all my Zalinsky auto parts outlets all over North America. ALL: TOMMY! For the moment, it looks like a tragedy has been averted and a town has been saved. For Action News, I'm Nicole Taylor, reporting live. OK. We're out of here. Wait a minute, fat boy, you lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here. Gee, funny you should bring that up, cos I'm not sure that you have the right to be here. What have we got here? Oh my God, it's a police report. Well, what's all this about? Let's see: Paul Berish married May 1993 to Beverly Berish AKA Beverly Burns. Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting. Yes, provocative. What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal. Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy. Isn't that right? Yes, I believe that's right. Mr Reilly? I'd say that's right. Mr Gilmore? Oh, absolutely. Let me guess. You're not going to be selling me the company now, are you, Tommy boy? No, sir. Ray, I have no idea what they're talking about! That's it. I'm not gonna take this! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey. Let's see. Warrants outstanding ` New Mexico, mail fraud. Colorado, wire fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, computer fraud. Get him! Don't let him leave the complex, Marty. Hey! Hey, you forgot your wife! Screw you! Screw all of ya! Crash test in progress. Not good. Hit the brakes! Argh! Argh! Wah! Ohh. Ooh! Ooh, that will ruin his weekend. Well, kid, you threw one by me. Savour the flavour, because it sure as hell won't happen again. In the meantime, good luck to you. Thank you, sir. Marty, cut a cheque to Callahan Auto for those brake pads. Yes, sir. And you. All this excitement around here, I kinda got a little hungry. Wanna step over to my club, and we'll grab something to eat? (MOANING) Thank you. I'd like that. Good. Marty, find out where the police will be taking him. Send over a bottle bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, 'Tough break, get drunk on me, use the bucket to ice down your marbles. Yours, Z.' Well, Mr Callahan, looks like we're back in business. Yes, sir. That's great, Tommy. Just great, Tommy. Thanks. Way to go, Tommy Callahan. That was pathetic. Shut up, Richard. This is a very proud day for me. I want to introduce you to the new president of Callahan Auto, Tom Callahan Junior! Tommy, will you say something? Um,... well, ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me. Louis, we built our first fort together. And Danny,... remember we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass? RT, I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud! Rob, you were there! LAUGHTER Anyway, I just want you to know that as long as I'm around, I'm gonna bust my butt and make sure that every last one of you always has a job right here at Callahans. CHEERING BIRDS SING Dad, got a little problem here. I've been stuck out here for an hour with no wind again. And I'm s'posed to be at Michelle's for dinner. So if you could give me a little help, I'd appreciate it. If not, don't worry about it. I'm trying to do everything I think you'd be doing. And so far, it's going pretty good. I just wanna tell you that I still love you, and... I sure miss you a lot. Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That'll leave a mark. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (PHUNK JUNKEEZ) # Stand off, you don't have to be afraid. # Get down, love is like a hurricane. # Straight boy, you know I never can be tamed. # You better believe it! # No lies, no more alibis. # Turn it up, got me hypnotised. # Rock on. Man, I'm always tranquillised! # Cos I love it. # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! # Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! # Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! # Pump up the volume. # Go, go! Turn it up! # Turn it up, hold me for the medicine. # Two-fisted till the very end. # No more treated like aliens ` we're not gonna take it! # No lies, no more alibis. # Turn it up, got me hypnotised. # Rock on, man. I'm always tranquillised! # Cos I love it! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # Loud! Wanna hear it loud! # Turn it up, turn it up! # (SMOKING POPES) # That settles it. # This is my lucky day. # That's what they always say. # This is what they mean. # I'm looking up into a cloudless blue. # Ever since I met you, # It's been my lucky day. # And I still don't know # what it's all about, # but without a doubt, today I just don't care. # I'm telling you, it's never been this way. # And all that I can say is this is my lucky day. # And I still don't know what it's all about, # But without a doubt, today I just don't care. # I'm looking up into a cloudless blue. # Ever since I met you, it's been my lucky day. # And all that I can say is this is my lucky day! #