. . (Elton John sings) # They're writing songs of love... ALARM RINGS # But not for me # A lucky star's above # But not for me... # ALARM RINGS # With love to lead the way # I've found more clouds of grey # Than any Russian play could guarantee # I was a fool to fall # And get that way # Heigh ho! Alas! # And also lackaday # Although I can't dismiss # The memory of her kiss # I guess she's not for me. # Good morning, Mrs Stevens. Good morning, madam. Thank you. Late! Late. Late. # It all began so well # But what an end # This is the time a fellow needs a friend # When every happy plot # Ends with a marriage knot # And they'll know not for me. # Oh...fuck! Fuck! (Grunts) Fuck! ENGINE MAKES TORTURED SOUND Fuck! Right. We take yours. It only goes 40mph. ENGINE REVS What turn-off? Um... Better not be the B359. It's the B359! Fuck it! TYRES SQUEAL Fuck! HORN HONKS Bugger! (Laughs) Oh! Sorry. Hello, Charles. There's a sort of greatness to your lateness. Thanks. It's not achieved without real suffering. I am so, so sorry, Angus. I'll kill myself after the service, if that's any consolation. It doesn't matter. Tom was standing by. Thanks, Tom. You're a saint. Disastrous haircut. As long as you haven't forgotten the rings. Nope. (Tuts) I hate people being late! 'THE WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS ON ORGAN Here we go. Oh, isn't she lovely? Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue. MUSIC ENDS Dear friends, what a joy it is to welcome you to our church on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura. Before we start the service, let us all join together in the first hymn. INTRO TO 'JERUSALEM' PLAYS ON ORGAN (All sing) # And did those feet in ancient times # Walk upon England's mountains green # And was the holy lamb of God # On England's pleasant pastures seen # And did the countenance divine # Shine forth upon our clouded hills # And was Jerusalem builded here # Among those dark, satanic mills. # (Whispers) Scarlett. (Mouths) (Mouths) Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honourable estate instituted in the time of man's innocency. Back in a sec. Therefore, if any man can show any just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her for as long as ye both shall live? I do. LAURA: ..to love and to cherish... VICAR: Till death us do part. LAURA: Till death us do part. Thereto I pledge thee my troth. Thereto I pledge thee my troth. Do you have the ring? With this ring I thee wed. With this ring I thee wed. With my body I thee worship. With my body I thee worship. And with all my worldly goods I thee endow. And with all my worldly goods I thee endow. Mmm. 'If I speak with the tongues of men and angels but have not love, 'I am become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.' Good point. (Both sing) # You know I can't smile without you # I can't smile without you # I can't laugh and I can't sing # I'm finding it hard to do anything # You see, I feel sad when you're sad # I feel sad # I feel glad when you're glad # If you only knew what I'm going through... # ORGAN PLAYS 'TRUMPET TUNE' BY PURCELL Great hat. Thanks. I bought it specially. Wait. There. All right. Stand in position, please. Thank you. Smile. Splendid, I thought. What did you think? I thought splendid. What did you think? Splendid, I thought. Scarlotta, fabulous dress! The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolising the magical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions. That's right. PHOTOGRAPHER: Lovely! And again. CAMERA CLICKS Do you know the girl in the black hat? Name's Carrie. Pretty. American! Interesting. Slut. Really? Used to work at 'Vogue'. Lives in America now. Only goes out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league. Well, that's a relief. Thanks. See you there! (People cheer) Right! Reception. 'Bye! 'Bye! Anyone else tread in a cow pat? No. I thought not. See you in a mo. You think I'd hate him as much if he wasn't my brother? Don't want to blow my chances for romance by smelling of dung. Oh, God! I never know what to say in these wretched line-ups. Just give a big hug and say the bride looks pregnant. Or stick with tradition - 'You must be very proud.' Heaven preserve us. You must be very proud. Hello. Hello. Hello. MAN: Hi. We met at a rally - Richard Maythorpe. Oh, yes. Bastard. Hello, Bernard. Hello, Charles. Two, please. Oh! Hello. Hi. Uh...want one of these? Oh, thank you. Um... Hello, Charles! (Laughs) Hello, John. How are you? How are you? Good, good. This is, um...? Carrie. Carrie. Delighted. I'm John. Hi, John. John, how's that gorgeous girlfriend of yours? She's no longer my girlfriend. Ah. Don't get too gloomy about it. Rumour is she never stopped bonking Toby in case you didn't work out. She's now my wife. Excellent! Excellent. Congratulations. Excuse me. Any kids or anything, John? Do we hear the patter of tiny... ..feet? No. Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there? No...no hurry. Hmmph! Hi. How are you? My name's Fiona. I'm...I'm Gerald. What do you do? I'm training to be a priest. Good Lord! Do you do weddings? No, not yet. I will, though, of course. Jolly nerve-racking. Rather like the first time one has sex. Um... Well...well, I suppose so. Though rather less messy and far less call for condoms. (Laughs nervously) Whoo-oo. Who's that boy over there - in the grey? His name's David. Something of a dish, isn't he? Well, I've always thought so. Why are they...? Oh, the dish can't hear. Oh. Gosh. Yeah. Silent...but deadly attractive. Bang, bang, bang! Into the marquee, please, ladies and gentlemen. Dinner is served. How do you do? Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you. Very exciting. Hi. My name's Scarlett. Don't let me drink too much because I get really flirty. How do you do? My name is Charles. Don't be ridiculous! Charles died 20 years ago. Must be a different Charles, I think. You saying I don't know my brother?! No, no. (Guests chatter) SILENCE Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. There are a couple of things I should say as best man. This is the second time I've been best man. I hope I did all right that time. The couple in question are still talking to me. LAUGHTER Un...unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. LAUGHTER But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Apparently Paula knew Piers had slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it. LAUGHTER The fact that he'd...slept with her mother came as a surprise, but um... ..I think it was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and... ..violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. I'm here to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. GUESTS: Ooooh! I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. Um... I am, as ever, in, uh...bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and... ..I think it's wonderful they can. So anyway, back to Angus and those sheep... LOUD LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses, um...the adorable couple. ALL: The adorable couple! The adorable couple! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING (Band plays 'Crocodile Rock' intro) (Sings) # I remember when rock was young # Me and Suzy had so much fun # Holding hands and skimming stones # Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own # But the biggest kick I ever got # Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock # While the other kids were rocking around the clock # We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock, well... # # ..from outer space # I just walked in and find you here with that sad look upon your face # I should've changed that stupid lock # I should've made you leave the key # I should've known you'd be back to follow me... # The first time I saw Gareth on the dance floor, I feared lives would be lost. (Laughs) She's a pretty girl - the one you keep staring at. Is it love at first sight? Good Lord, no. It's the...bloke she's dancing with. We played rugby at school. I'm trying to remember what position he played in. Though let's say one - for the sake of argument - one did take a fancy to someone at a wedding... Are there really people who can go up and say, 'Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night'? Well, if there are, they're not English. Quite. Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum. You know I love you, Jean, don't you? I love you. I love you. Mike, I've never met you before, but I love you very much. I really do. Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble. How's it going, Lyds? Bloody awful. Oh, dear. What's the prob? I was promised sex. Everybody said it - 'You be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex. 'You'll be fighting them off.' Not so much as a tongue in sight. Well, I mean, if you fancy... anything, I could always... Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate. No. Right. Of course. Fair enough. It's a good point. (Guests cheer) SHEEP BLEATS LYDIA: 'Bye! 'Bye! Have a lovely, lovely time! (Band plays 'Love Is All Around') (Sings) # Love is all around you # And so the feeling grows # It's written on the wind # It's everywhere I go... # Where are you staying tonight, Charles? Oh, um... Scarlett and I are at some pub - the...the Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all? Ah...no. Slight change of plan. The others are coming back to my place. Nansy's in residence. Might make some eggs and bac' over a late-night Scrabble. I wondered if you'd like to join. That'd be great. Thanks. Is there room for Scarlett? Oh, absolutely. 137 rooms, actually. Ha. Tom, are you the richest man in England? Oh, no. No. I believe we're about...seventh. Mmm-hm. The Queen, obviously. And, um... Right. ..that Branson bloke is doing terribly well. Well, excellent news. I'll go tell Scarlett. Yeah. That's, uh...unless you get lucky first. Hi. Hi. Hi. I thought you'd gone. No, not yet. I was just wondering where you're staying tonight. Uh...well, um... ..I-I was staying at some pub called the Lucky... ...the...Boat or something like that. Boatman. Right. But now I'm going to stay at some friend's house with, um...some friends. Well, I-I-I...I say 'house'. I think 'enormous castle' is a more accurate description. That's too bad, 'cause I'm at the Boatman. Oh. Well, it was...nice not quite meeting you. It was a great speech. Thanks. Well, I'm going now. No! No, no, no, no. Don't go. We could meet now. The evening's just getting going. No, no, no, no. Don't go. We could meet now. The evening's just getting going. We both know that's a big lie. Fuck. (Spits it out and coughs) Fuck. (Spits it out and coughs) (Sing) # Sometimes it's hard to be a woman # Giving all your love to just one man... # The castle beckons, I think, Tom. Are you sober? Absolutely. Orange juice all night. Come on. # ..'cause after all he's just a man. # 'Bye, everybody! All together now... # Stand by your man # Give him two arms to cling to... # Bernard! # Give him two arms to cling to... # Bernard! # ..to come to # When nights are cold and lonely. # (All sing) # Stand by your man # Wah wah wah # And tell the world you love him # And give him all the love you can! # Stand by your man! # CHARLES: Tom! Can you stop the car? Stop the car. Sorry. Sorry. I think I might stay in that pub after all. Why on earth? Um... (Clears throat) (Scarlett makes police siren sounds) (Matthew makes police siren sounds) No, no, no. Seriously. I'm doing some research into pubs with the word 'boat' in the title. Oh, well. Suit yourself. It's a...it's a silly thing. (Scarlett and Fiona hum 'Can't Smile Without You') Right. Odd decision. Hello. Hi. Hi. There wasn't room for all of us. You said it was a castle. Yes...no...it is a castle. It's just a very small one. Tiny, in fact - one up, one down... which is rare. A drink, sir? Yeah. I'd like a glass of whisky, please. Thanks. Do you want...? Yeah, sounds good. Another one for the lady. Doubles, sir? Mmm. Thanks. Another one for the lady. Doubles, sir? Mmm. Thanks. (Whistles merrily) Ah! You here too? How are you? Hello. Yeah, I'm fine. Haven't seen Carrie, have you? Who? Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs. Wedding guest. Nice smell. No, uh...no. Sorry. Damn. Blast. I think I was in there. Look, if you see her, tell her I'm in my room. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your...whisky, sir? Thank you. And one for the... Road. Lovely. Actually, I might have one. Mind if I join you? No. That'd be lovely. Another whisky. And a cigar. Hold on. Make that a bottle of whisky. Let's settle in. See if we can push on till dawn. Lovely wedding. Yes, yes, yes. I attended school with his brother, Bufty. Tremendous bloke. He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless. Still... taught me a few things about life. Hmm. Where do you know him from? University. Oh. Splendid...splendid. Yep. I didn't go myself - couldn't see the point. When you're working the money markets, what use are Wordsworth's novels, eh? Excuse me, sir. Your wife wants you upstairs at once. Room 12, if you're too drunk to remember. My wife?! Yes, sir. Oh, my wife! (Chuckles) My wife! Oh, God. You ARE drunk. You can't remember you're married. Yeah, yeah. ZZZZ! Yeah, do you mind if I...? No, off you go. Best of luck. Thanks, yeah. Lucky bachelor, me. I think I'll look for that Katie creature. Uh...Carrie. That's the one. Damn fine filly. Oh, think I'm in there. (Clears throat) Hi. Hello. Sorry about that. No, that's fine. He was hard to get rid of. Yeah. So...erm... Maybe we could just... ..skulk around here for a bit and then uh... ..go back down. Now that's a thought. I don't usually skulk a lot, but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required. Do you...skulk regularly? No. No, I don't normally think of myself as...a skulker, but um... Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while... ..and we'll see? I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church... ..which is kind of strange. Where I come from, kissing's very big. Is it? Yes, I think you're right. We're probably more reserved. 'You may kiss the bride' isn't in the Book of Common Prayer. I worry I'll go too far - you know, in the heat of the moment. Uh-huh. How far do you think 'too far' is? Oh, I don't know. Maybe... ..that would be all right. Yeah, that would be fine. In fact, it might be a bit dismissive. Maybe this... ..would be better. Yeah, I think...I think it would be dangerous to take it any further. Uh, I mean, um... That MIGHT be taking it a little far. Mmm. Well, what about this? Do you think the vicar would think things had slipped... ..out of his control? I think he might. This kind of thing is REALLY more suited to the...to the honeymoon than to the service itself. Why do you think it's called 'honeymoon'? Um...I don't know. Uh, I suppose it's uh... ..'honey' 'cause it's sweet as honey. (Kisses her) And um... 'moon' because... ..it was the first time... ..a husband saw his wife's bottom. (Both laugh softly) What's happening? I have to go. Where? America. That is a tragedy. Just before I go... ..when were you thinking of announcing the engagement? Hmm? Sorry. Whose en...whose engagement? Ours. I assumed since we slept together and everything, we'd get married. What did you think? Well... I, um... Uh, gosh. Ah, yeah. That's...that, um... ..takes lots of thinking about, that kind of thing. Ah, obviously, I'm...ah...um... You're joking. God. For a moment I thought I was in 'Fatal Attraction'. You were Glenn Close and I'd get home and find my pet rabbit on the stove. (Sighs) Oh...no. But I think we've both missed a great opportunity here. Goodbye. ALARM CLOCK RINGS (Scarlett murmurs) Fuck! Fuckity fuck! Oh...fuck! Car or taxi? Taxi. We could never park. CARS HONK Car seems a good idea. Fuck! (Wails) Fuck! Uh...your...your... Leave it! No one will notice. CHURCH BELLS RING ORGAN PLAYS Well! (Puffs breathlessly) Sorry I'm late. Traffic! Yeah. Er...who...who is it today? One more, please. Look at the camera. Come on, come on! 'ARRIVAL OF THE QUEEN OF SHEBA' BY PURCELL PLAYS ORGAN STOPS PLAYING In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. CONGREGATION: Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ's love for his church. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat... G...er...! Ghost. The one God, for ever and ever. Amen. It's his first time. He's a family friend. Ahh! Excellent! Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare... I do solemnly declare... ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... ..why I, Lydia... ..why I...BERNARD... Uh...sorry. ..why I, Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney... ..why I, Bernard GEOFFREY St John Delaney... ..may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Hibbott. ..may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia JANE Hibbott. Lydia. Repeat after me. I do solemnly declare... I do solemnly declare... ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... ..why I, Lydia JANE Hibbott... ..why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott... ..may not be johned in matrimony... ..may not be...JOINED in matrimony... ..to Bernard Geoffrey... (Mumbles) ..Sijjern Delaney. ..to Bernard Geoffrey St John Delaney. I call upon those persons here present to witness... I call upon those persons here present to witness... ..that I, Bernard... ..Delaney... (Sighs) ..that I, Bernard Delaney... ..do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott... ..do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott... ..to be my awful wedded wife. ..to be my...LAWFUL wedded wife. That's right. That's right. May Almighty God bless you all, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spigot...Spirit. ALL: Amen. Bravo! (Applauds) MAN: Bravo! CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYS (Congregation applauds) APPLAUSE CONTINUES TOM: Thanks! OK, Bernie. Up here! Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. That way? Yes. Could you two... Thanks. Sorry. Tom, don't go... Sorry! (People chatter and laugh) I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, living together, then suddenly, one day, they run out of conversation. Uh-huh. Totally! They can't think of a single thing to say. That's it! Panic. Then suddenly... it..it OCCURS to the chap that there's a way out of the deadlock. Which is? He'll ask her to marry him. Brilliant. Brilliant! Suddenly, they've got something to talk about for their whole lives. Basically, you're saying marriage is a way of escaping an embarrassing pause in conversation? The DEFINITIVE ice-breaker. Tom! How's the speech coming along? It's pretty good, I think - something for everyone. Tears, laughter... (Chuckles) Excellent! I think it's a good theory, Gareth. There is another argument - that it does have something to do with true love. Well, there's a thought. Can I help you, sir? Three glasses of brandy, please. Certainly, sir. Hi. Hello! How are you? Fine, fine. Yeah... Sorry! (Laughs) I'm overwhelmed to see you. Um...look, don't go back to America. Please. I'll be back in two secs, OK? OK. Hi, Fi. Here. Here. See you in five hours. Something happen? Yeah, it has. This is a bloody GREAT wedding. Hi! Well... (Clears throat) ..you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect. Well, how are you? I'm...really well. Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiance. Excellent. Excellent. How do you do, Hamish? Delighted to meet you. Charming surprise to find Carrie back here. She took a lot of persuading. Come on, darling. I told James I'd get you. He'll think I've totally lost control over you already. I'll see you later. POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS How are you doing, Charles? Not great, actually, suddenly. (Sighs) I don't know. I mean, um... What the hell's going on? Why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married, Matt? It's probably because you're a bit scruffy. Or it could be you haven't met the right girl. Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I've met the right girl. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's ME. Oh, nonsense. My lords, ladies and gentlemen. Dinner is served. Come on. Odds on, you'll meet your wife at dinner. Yes. Oh, my God. Charles? LYRICAL FLUTE/HARP MUSIC Hi! Hello. I'm Alistair. Great. And I believe you know Veronica. Yeah. Hi, Vee. Hi. Nicki. Great. Tell me...are you married? No. Are you a lesbian? Good Lord. Um...what made you say that? Well, it's a possibility for unmarried girls. It's a bit more interesting than saying, 'Oh, dear, just never found the right chap, eh?' Quite right. Why be dull? Thank you. The truth is...I've met the right person only he doesn't love me and until I stop loving him, no one else stands a chance. Oh. Bad luck. Yes, isn't it? I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about 15 minutes so it probably doesn't count. (Guests chatter and laugh) (All laugh) (Chuckles) That's very good. There are 400 different kinds of tea and that's not including these so-called fruit teas. I took Veronica to India to look at the plantations. Oh, excellent. Yeah. I believe you two went there once. That's right. VERONICA: Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes while I was ill. Just trying to cheer you up, Vee. You're THAT Veronica. Which Veronica? Charlie? Remember Bombay...? When Charles and I were going out, he told me he'd had this interesting journey round India with Vomiting Veronica. I...I think that was it. I...I don't remember mentioning it. Maybe I did. Oh, come on, Charles. I've never been out with anyone less discreet. I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Martha. It is NOT! You went on about some girl, Helena, whose mother made a pass at you. I remember this! You couldn't work out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances! (All laugh) NICKI: That's right! Mrs Piggy! Helena was Miss Piggy so her mother was Mrs Piggy! I-I think perhaps it was a... We've both lost lots of weight since then. HAMMER SOUNDS Ah, great. Speeches. MC: My lords, ladies and gentlemen. Pray, silence for the best man. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Um...when Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia, I...I congratulated him because all his other girlfriends had been such complete dogs. Although, may I say how delighted we are to have so many here today. (Laughs uproariously) I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla, who...who...uh...many of you will probably remember as...as the first person Bernard asked to marry him. If I remember rightly, she told him to, um, sod off! (Gareth laughs loudly) And lucky for Lydia that she did. (Gareth keeps laughing) LYDIA'S FATHER: It's very disappointing! LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE We had the most adorable girl at our table called Carrie. Apparently her fiance's awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland. How are you? I'm stuck in the wedding from hell. Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next I'll see Henrietta - the horror will be complete. Hello, Charles. Hello, Hen. How are you? (Sobs) Oh, Hen, I...! Why can't you leave her alone?! Haven't you hurt her enough? (Sobs hysterically) Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people aren't. Hello. Oh, yes! Um... (Laughs) (Girls giggle and chatter) CAR HONKS OUTSIDE (Sighs) MAN: Taxi! (Carrie laughs) ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY (Sighs deeply) SONG: # My true love was true # Oooh-ooh # I, of course, replied # Something deep inside # Cannot be denied... # DOOR OPENS (Giggles) Ooh! Ooh! Fuck! It's all right! Oh, God, you're wonderful, Lydia! (Both giggle and pant breathlessly) BOTH: Oooh! (Both grunt and pant) (Bernard groans) Wait! This is no fun! I want to SEE my lovely husband! (Lydia squeals) (Bernard groans) (Laughs mischievously) (Groans) Ohhh! Ohh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! (Squeals) Oh! Who's a very bad bridegroom indeed?! SONG: # Blue moon, blue moon # Gonna get along without you now # Blue moon, blue moon # Gonna get along without you now... # Have you got a boyfriend? Yes. What's his name? Dolph. He's good at table tennis. What about you? No, 'fraid not. Why not? Don't know. Because most of the blokes I fancy think I'm stupid and pointless. So they just bonk me and then leave me. And the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips. I can't be bothered to bonk them. Which does sort of leave me nowhere. What's bonking? Well, it's kinda like table tennis. Only with slightly smaller balls. (Both gasp and moan) (Both groan and laugh) (Lydia gasps and groans) (Lydia giggles) (Bernard grunts) (Both giggle and gasp) (Gasps) Oh, God-od-od-od! (Both pant and squeal) (Lydia squeals) Ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh! (Laughs and exclaims) Oh-ha-ha-ha! Oh, I love my wife! (Shrieks and squeals) (Grunts) Oh! We'd better be getting back. Or we could wait a few minutes... ..and have another go! (Giggles) Naughty! Naughty little rabbit! Found it. Charles! Charles, we must talk. Right...you're right. The thing is, Charlie...I've spoken to lots of people about you... Oh, God. And everybody agrees. You're in real trouble, Charles. Am I? The thing is, you see, you're turning into a kind of serial monogamist - one girlfriend after another. You'll never love anyone because you never let them NEAR YOU! On the contrary, Hen, I... You're affectionate and sweet to them... You were even sweet to me, although you thought I was an idiot. I did not. You did. I thought U2 was a submarine. Well, you were right. Their music has a naval quality. Be serious, Charles. Give people a chance. You don't have to think, 'I must get married.' But you mustn't start every relationship thinking, 'I mustn't get married.' Really, most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along. (Cries) Oh, Charlie! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me. I just misread it, that's all. I thought you were going to propose and you were just working out how to leave! No, no - I wasn't. Oh, God, this is ridiculous. No. Hen. No, Hen! Hen! Hen! No. No! Having a good night? Yes...yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value. Thought you'd gone. No. Hamish has to take the Edinburgh sleeper. I'm off now. Keep me company? (Taps on glass) Here, please. You want to come up for a nightcap? Are you sure? I think we can risk it. I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute. Sorry. Yeah - great. GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up. (Grunts) It's a bit burnt. Excellent. What are you up to, today? I... I'm taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in my entire life it's Saturday and there's no wedding to attend. All I have to do is not be late for David. I was gonna go for a job. This shop called 'Spank' wants a sales assistant. I'd be great. They sell all this funny rubber stuff. Oh, no. Another wedding invitation. And a list. Lovely. They say rubber's mainly for perverts. Don't know why. I think it's very practical, actually. You spill anything on it and it comes off. That could be why the perverts like it. Are you all right? Yeah, yeah. It's that girl, um... ..Carrie. Remember? The, uh... The American. Uh...excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Do you have the wedding list for Banks? Certainly, sir. Lots of beautiful things for around the �1,000 mark. Uh-huh? What about...things round the sort of...�50 mark? Is there much? Well, you could get that pygmy warrior over there. This? Excellent! If you could find someone to chip in the other �3,950. Or our carrier bags are �1.50 each. Why don't you just get 33 of them? Yes, well... I think I'll probably leave it. Thanks very much. You've been very, um... What did you get? Blimey! Well, I never! Um...um...nothing yet. I'm just - you know - deciding. It's nice to see you. It's nice to see YOU. This present thing is great. I should've gotten married years ago. Did anybody go for the pygmy? The young man was thinking about it. (Laughs) Oh! No. Yeah. Just get me an ashtray. Uh... Are you free for about a half hour? Yeah, yeah. I'm meeting my brother, but I can be a bit late. Good. Come with me. You have an important decision to make. The crucial thing is that you mustn't laugh. OK, right. SONG: # They're writing songs of love... # ..but not for me... # What do you think? (Laughs nervously) Divine. Bit of a meringue? Um... (Groans) Ugh! Don't worry, we've only just begun. What do you think? You're kidding? But it would be wonderful! Maybe next time. What do you think? (Laughs nervously) Um... I knew it. It'd be great for looking after sheep. (Primly) Don't be rude. It's a bit sexy, this. (Chuckles) Well... If I were your husband, I would die of pride. You may be right. It is dangerous. There's nothing worse at a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection. # ..I guess she's not for me. # One strange thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else. You don't think you'll be unfaithful? Not once I'm married. I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does. I'd better stick to that. Quite right, yes. Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run of it. What is a fair run these days - down your way? Oh, I don't know. More than one? Well, come on - tell me. I've seen the dress. We have no secrets now. Well... The first one - of course not easily forgotten - was kinda nice. Two... ..hairy back. (Chuckles) Three, four, five... SIX - was on my birthday in my parents' room. Which birthday? Seventeenth. Oh - we've only reached 17. I grew up in the country. Lots of rolling around in haystacks. OK. Seven - mmm! Eight...unfortunately was quite a shock. Nine - against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it. I won't. 10... Oh, he was gorgeous. Just heaven. Just... Oh, he was wonderful. I hate him. 11 - obviously in the circumstances, disappointing. 12 through 17 - the university years. Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys. Sexually speaking, a real low patch. (Chuckles) Um... 18 - broke my heart. Years of yearning. I'm sorry. 20... Oh, my God! I can't believe I've reached 20! 21 - elephant tongue. 22 - kept falling asleep. That was my first year in England. I do apologise. 23 and 24 together. That was something. Seriously? 27 - ooph! Now, that was a mistake. Suddenly, at 27, you make a mistake? Yes, he kept screaming. Very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing. But Spencer changed my mind. That's 28. His father - 29. His father? Mmm. Then 30 - ugh. 31 - oh, my God. 32... ..was lovely. And then... ..my fiance - that's 33. (Nervously) Wow! So-so I...uh, came... after your fiance? No, you were 32. Oh. So there you go. Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di - I hope. How about you? How many have you slept with? Christ. Nothing like that many. I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time, actually. Work, probably. That's it - work, work. I have been working late - a lot. I wish I'd rung you. But, then, you never rang me. You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me. Oh, bollocks! Help me - please, please. Er, Carrie...this is David, my brother. Um... Hi. I was telling him about, um... you marrying Hamish. He said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow. So that's nice. Where are you doing it? Scotland. He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly. You should come to the wedding. I want as many friends as possible to make up for the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows. Well, you better go in. 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye. Fuck it! Um, look... Sorry. Sorry. I just, um... This is a really stupid question, particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion. But, uh... I just wondered if, by any chance... Um... Obviously not because I'm just some git who's only slept with nine people. But I just wondered... Uh, I really feel, um... In short - to recap in a slightly clearer version... ..I... In the words of David Cassidy, in fact... ..while he was still with the Partridge Family... I think I love you. And, er...I-I just... wondered whether, by any chance, you wouldn't like to, um... Er... Uh... No...no. No - of course not! Um...I'm an idiot. He's not. Excellent, excellent, fantastic. I'm so... Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on. (Under breath) Fuck! That was very romantic. Well, I thought it over a lot. I wanted to get it just right. Important to have said it, I think. Said...what...exactly? Said, uh...you know, what...what I just said about, uh... ..David Cassidy. You're lovely. SAD, ROMANTIC MUSIC THUNDER RUMBLES LONE BIRD CALLS VICAR: ..to maintain a lifelong, faithful relationship... ..and be strong and happy only if the marriage bond is held in honour. Into this holy estate, these two persons now desire to enter. Wherefore, if anyone can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage, let him now declare it. DOOR OPENS NOISILY (Whispers) Sorry. Please rise. Do you, Hamish, take this woman, Caroline, to be your wedded wife? And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be to her a loving and faithful husband until God shall separate you by death? HAMISH: I do. Do you, Caroline, take this man, Hamish, to be your wedded husband? And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be to him a loving and faithful wife until God shall separate you by death? I do. Fuck-a-doodle-do. BAGPIPES PLAY BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES How awfully nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. How do you do? Hello. Hello... Ah, Fred... You look beautiful. Not a meringue in sight. Thanks. SCOTTISH DANCE TUNE PLAYS ON BAGPIPES Blimey. It's Brigadoon! It's bloody Brigadoon! Dear old things - as you know, I've always been proud that there's not a wedding ring between the lot of us. But it's suddenly beginning to distress me. I'd like to go to the wedding of someone I really loved for a change. Well, don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know. You haven't asked me. Haven't I? No. Well, Scarlett, would you like to? No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask. (Slurs) Well, any time. (Laughs) Quite right, Tom. Quite right. That's the spirit. Now, tonight - these are your orders. Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives. Excellent plan. What do you think, Fifi? Spot a potential hubby in the throng? Bugger off, Tom. Quite right. A toast - before we go into battle. True love - in whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say - 'I was adored once too.' (All laugh) ALL: True love! SCOTTISH JIG PLAYS Apparently, a-a-a-a-an enormous number of people actually bump into their future spouses at weddings, w-w-which is interesting. Yes, I met my husband at a wedding. Ah. Good Lord, I've finished my drink. If you'll excuse me. Hello. My name's Scarlett. Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble. What's your name? My name's Rhett. No! Not really?! No, not really. In fact, it's Chester. You kidder! I always imagine Americans are gonna be dull as shit! Of course you're not, are you? Steve Martin's American, isn't he? Yes, he is. You're lovely! Hello, Charles. Oh, Hen...hi. Look, I'm sorry - I couldn't really bear a scene today. I know we've got tons to talk about and all that stuff... Did I behave that atrociously last time? Well, you remember the shower scene in 'Psycho'? Yes. Scarier. (Laughs) God, I'm depressed, Hen. How are you? I'm cheerful. I weigh almost nothing and I've got a divine new boyfriend. Perhaps you were right - we should've married. No! I would've had to marry your friends. I'm not sure I could take Fiona. Fiona loves you. Fiona calls me Duckface. Well, I never heard that. Oh, darling, come to lunch soon. Give me a ring, OK? Oh! Still cute. How's Duckface? Good form, actually. Not too mad. LONE PIPER PLAYS (Claps hands twice) Ladies and gentlemen - the bride and groom! (Guests applaud) You like this girl, don't you? Yes. Yes, it's a... It's a strange thing when at last it happens. And, uh... ..she's marrying someone else. How about you, Fifi? Have you identified a future partner for life yet? No need really. The deed is done. I've been in love with the same bloke for ages. Have you? Who's that? You, Charlie. It's always been you... ..since first we met... ..oh-so-many years ago. I knew the first moment... (Chuckles) ..across a crowded room - or lawn, in fact. It doesn't matter. Nothing either of us can do on this one - such is life. 'Friends' isn't...bad, you know. 'Friends' is quite something. Oh, Fi... Fi. (Gasps) Phwaw! It's not all easy, is it? No. Just forget this business. It's not to be. Matthew darling. Where's Gareth? Torturing Americans. How thoughtful of him. Do you actually KNOW Oscar Wilde? (Scottish accent) Not personally, no. But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you. Shall we dance? JAUNTY SCOTTISH COUNTRY TUNE PLAYS (Giggles and gasps) Oh! Hooray! Aaaaaaah! MUSIC CONTINUES (Man whoops) Well, any rings on fingers? Oh, Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are. Finding someone to marry is very tricky. It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped with an evangelist from Minnesota. Look down, Jesus. My lords, ladies and gentlemen. Please charge your glasses. First, and rather unusually, we have the bride. (All clap) Excellent. I love this girl. CARRIE: Thank you. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who've flown from the States. I'm really touched. And, to everyone else, I would've thought the fact that lots of frightful Americans were arriving was the perfect excuse for staying away so I thank you too. Um...if my darling dad had been here today, he would've been speaking now. And I know what he would've said. Great dress, babe, but why are you marrying the stiff in the skirt? And I would've given him the same answer that I give you. Because I love him. As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad, 'Love is the answer and you know that for sure.' (All clap) Oh, and, um...one more thing. Someone told me here, confidentially, that if things with Hamish didn't work out, he'd step in. Thanks and I'll keep you posted. (All laugh and clap) Bravo! MASTER OF CEREMONIES: And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Hamish Banks. (All clap) Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years has got used to being upstaged by a woman. (All laugh) I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day! However...I must also say that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by this woman for the rest of my life. Is that some barracking back there? Something we politicians are used to. Find a doctor. HAMISH: Right, now. OK. Firstly, I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids. You did your duties superbly. And obviously I intend to use you every time I get married from now on. And also I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish who did the flowers in the church... (People in other room laugh and clap) I do remember the first time I saw Caroline, I thought to myself, if, by any chance, she's short-sighted, I MIGHT just be happy for the rest of my life. I thought I could see my future for the first time - and I knew it would be joyful for years and years to come. (All clap) (All sing) # For they are jolly good fellows # For they are jolly good fellows # For they are jolly good fellows DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE SOMBRE MUSIC Good morning. And a warm welcome to you all on this cold day. Our service will begin in a few minutes. But first we have asked Matthew, Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words. Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. (All laugh quietly) To prepare this speech, I rang a few people to get a picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. 'Fat' seems to have been a word people most connected with him. 'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells. So 'very fat and very rude' seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint. However, some of you have rung me and told me you loved him, which he would've been thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality. His strange, experimental cooking. The recipe for Duck a la Banana fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy and, when joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness. But I hope joyful is how you will remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way - the most splendid, replete... ..big-hearted... ..weak-hearted, as it turned out... ..and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him. What I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you'll forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger - WH Auden. This is actually what I want to say. 'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. 'Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. 'Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 'Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 'Let the aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 'Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, 'Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 'Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 'He was my North, my South, my East and West, 'My working week and my Sunday rest, 'My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. 'I thought that love would last forever - 'I was wrong. 'The stars are not wanted now. 'Put out every one. 'Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. 'Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. 'For nothing now can ever come to any good.' It's good of you to come. Must've been the shortest honeymoon in history. No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time. You know that thing you said in the street? Yes. I'm sorry about that. No, I liked it. I liked you saying it. Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home. Yeah. Darling Fi. Walk, Charlie? Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand. Never felt like that. I mean, something vaguely similar for Jilly when I was young. Jilly? Labrador. Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it we never noticed two of us were, to all intents and purposes, married. Traitors in our midst. You know, in a way, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you? I hope I die before my children. Tom...one thing I find really, er... ..well, is...is your total confidence that you will get married. I mean, er, what if you never find the right girl? Sorry? Surely if that service shows anything it shows that there is such a thing as a perfect match. If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, then... ..maybe we should just let it go. Some of us are not gonna get married. Well, I don't know, Charlie. The truth is, unlike you, I never expected the thunderbolt. I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice friendly girl like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and settle down and... ..be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that. I give you six months maximum. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe all this waiting for one true love stuff gets you nowhere. ALARM CLOCK BELL RINGS ALARM STOPS ANOTHER ALARM RINGS Mmm? ANOTHER ALARM JOINS IN Mmm! Uh... ALARMS RING STRIDENTLY What the fuck is going on? Uh! Uh! Thought we'd better make absolutely sure we weren't late. Excellent wedding hairstyle, by the way. CHARLES: Matthew. Best-looking best man in the world. Listen... Thank you for doing this today. Of course. I wish Gareth was here. Bet he does too. I'm sorry we're so late. The others are parking the car. I thought we'd all go with Tom. Late? So late? Yeah, it's 9:45. 9:45?! Yep. 45 minutes till 'I do'. Oh, bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for 8:00. Scarlett. Oh, hi. You ready? Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds. TYRES SCREECH Time? Honestly? Yes! Time! It's about ten to nine. Uh! (Others laugh) CAMERA CLICKS (They laugh quietly) Bastards. (Children laugh) WOMAN: Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please. Come on. Two arms. One, two, three, smile! This is splendid tuck. I think I might say a little word. SCARLETT: Yeah! As many of you know, I've been a close observer of Charles's love-life for many years, but recently I'd started to despair that really he was married to us besides the fact that we won't have his babies. I don't know about that! Fortunately, it's turned out splendidly. The girl in question is, sadly, crazy, but perhaps that's why he loves her. So I'd like to toast my Charlie and his beautiful girl on this tragic day. Be happy and don't forget us. Thank you. To Charles and Duckface! ALL: Charles and Duckface! What do you think? You look divine. It does work, doesn't it? Yes. I'd like to thank Fiona for those charming words about my future wife. And I'd like to take this opportunity to read a message from her to you. This is exciting! She says, 'Any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you.' (Tom laughs heartily) 'I'll set the dogs on you'! MATTHEW: John, hi. You made it. Yes. Hope my damn sister turns up. Poor wedding without a bride. Hello. Tom. Charles. Poor show you not having a stag night. Oh, we did, we did...we didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age... Really? Mmm. Oh. Fi, you do look lovely today. Yes, as you can see, I've abandoned my traditional black. Huh! Yes, so you have. From now on, I shall be rainbow coloured and fall in love with someone who fancies me for once. Darling Fi. (Laughs) Oh! What? Lipstick. CHURCH BELLS RING Good luck. SCARLETT: Hello. Glad you could come. Groom's on the right and bride's on the left. Groom's on the right. Oh, my GOD! Oooh! I thought you'd gone back to Texas! Without you - never. Good luck. ORGAN PLAYS QUIETLY Bride or groom? Bride or groom? It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither. Great God! Bride or groom? Bride. Yes, er... ..fine. You know, I...I've got a feeling we've met before. We have - about 25 years ago. I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre. You're Tom. Good Lord! So...you're family. Yes. Only very distant. Well, yes...of course. You...you said you were, er, bride? Yes. Well, do sit. Do sit here... ..Deirdre. Golly. Thunderbolt City. Hello, Charles. How are you? Exhausted, actually. Charlie. Hi. Hi. Hi. You look lovely. But then, as you know, I always liked you dressed for weddings. And on time! Yeah. Extraordinary thing, isn't it? How's Hamish? Oh, he's fine... ..I believe. You believe? Yes. He wasn't the man for me after all. You left him? We left each other. When? Um, a few months now. March was hell. By April it was sorted. It's the last time I marry someone three times my age. MATTHEW: Charlie? Charles, time to travel. Yeah. Yeah. Coming. Good. Good. So, why...why didn't you get in touch, then? I did think about it. I wanted to, but, um... I was in a state. So, anyway, I...I don't want to keep you. I...I'll see you afterwards. Yeah, fine, excellent. Wait! I'll show you to your seat. Just showing her to her seat. Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it? It's been bad, yes. It's been a disaster. It has, as you say, been... ..very bad indeed. God, it's lovely to see you. Well, good luck. It's pretty easy. Just say 'I do' whenever anyone asks you a question. Um... Could you just give me a sec, Matthew? Er, yes, of course. Freshen up at will. Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to... ..say...in this magnificent place of worship. Bugger. Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, BUGGER! Can I help at all? Huh? No. Thanks. Sorry. Um...vocal exercises. Big church. Excellent. Often do the same myself. Not exactly the same vocab, obviously. Rather more 'hallelujahs'. (Chuckles) I'll leave you. CHURCH BELLS RING Bride's arriving. Oh, fabulous. We seem to have lost the groom. Try to stall her and I'll look for him. Roger. Wilko. Charles? Mmm? Good to see you. Mmm. Yeah. Um... Matt, what do we, er, think about marriage? Oh, gosh. Er... Well, I think it's really good. Mmm. If you love the person with all your heart. Well, exactly. Quite. All these weddings, all these, um, years... All that blasted salmon and champagne. And here I am on my own wedding day and I'm, um... ..still thinking. Can I ask about what? Um... ..no. No, I think best not. I'm terribly sorry. There's a delay. Slight problem with the flowers. What? Unfortunately, there's a staggeringly high proportion of hay fever sufferers in the congregation. They've been stuck next to the damn flowers. So, we're moving them - the congregation. Don't want the damn vows to be obliterated by sneezing. Charles, is it all right for me to say time is ticking by? Should've started by now. I think I've fooled them. The great advantage of being considered stupid - people aren't suspicious. KNOCK AT DOOR Hello. Here you are. Ready to face the enemy? Are we? Yes. Excellent. ORGAN PLAYS 'WEDDING MARCH' Not so tight, Dad! 'WEDDING MARCH' ENDS Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is an honourable estate instituted of God in the time of man's innocence, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly or wantonly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly and in the fear of God. Therefore, if any man can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him speak now, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace. KNOCKING ON WOOD I'm sorry. Does someone have something to say? Yes, what is it? One...one second. What's going on, Charles? Charles, what? He wants me t-t-to... ..translate what he's saying. What is he saying? He says, 'I suspect the groom's having doubts.' 'I suspect the groom would like to delay.' 'I suspect the groom... I suspect the groom...' What's he saying? He says...he suspects the groom... ..loves someone else. Do you? Do you love someone else? Do you, Charles? I do. (Screams) CONGREGATION EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK (Henrietta shrieks with rage) MAN: Henrietta... (Shrieks) Get out of my way! Henrietta... (Keeps screeching with rage) THUNDER RUMBLES Blimey. At least it's one we won't forget. I mean, many weddings just blend into each other. Oh, for God's sake! But this will really stick out in the memory. For not actually including a wedding service. Poor girl. I mean it - poor girl! She's not my favourite person, but I think what you did today was unforgivable. I can't bear to think about it. Poor Hen. Though, let's face facts. I mean...if you weren't sure you wanted to marry her today, of all days - i.e. your wedding day - well, it must be the right decision, mustn't it? Quite right, Tom. It's a lovely dress - I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties. What did he say, Charles? He says he blames himself. ALL: Oh, absolutely not. No, you mustn't. DOORBELL RINGS Ah... No, no, no. If there's music to be faced, I shall face it. Hello. Hi! You're soaking... No, no, I'm fine. Comes a point when you're so wet you can't get any wetter. I'll come out. No, please don't... I just wanted to check you're OK... ..not busy killing yourself or anything, but... ..but you're fine, so... I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry. No! No. Wait. It was all MY fault. I mean, I...I'm the bastard here. And it definitely sorted out one thing which is, marriage and me - we're very clearly not meant for one another. Sorted out another big thing as well. There I was standing in the church and... ..for the first time in my life I realised I... ..totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil. It's...the person standing opposite me now. In the rain. Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed. The truth of it is, I loved you from the first second I met you. You're not suddenly going to go away again, are you? No. I might drown, but otherwise, no. OK, OK...we'll go in. But first, let me ask you one thing. Do you think... ..after we've dried off, after we spend lots more time together, you might agree... ..NOT to marry me? And do you think NOT being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life? Do you? I do. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC SWELLS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING CRASHES ROCK'N'ROLL MUSIC BEGINS SONG: # Spring is here The sky is blue # Whoa # Birds will sing as if they knew # Today's the day we'll say 'I do' # And we'll never be lonely any more # Because we're going to the chapel and we're going to get married # Going to the chapel and we're going to get married # Gee, I really love you and we're going to get married # Going to the chapel of love # Bells will ring The sun will shine # Whoa # I will be hers if she'll be mine # We'll love until the end of time # And we'll never be lonely any more. #