Yeah! You almost had it! I get one more? Strike three. Come on, Gretchen, over here! Give me one more. OK, here it comes. Here you go. (LAUGHS) Oh! Gretchen, you almost had it! Dang it! Nice throw. It's alright, I got a ladder. I'll get it. Tell Mrs Donnelly her paper's on the roof. She can get it when she wants. I'll just have 80-year-old Mrs Donnelly climb on her roof to get it. OK, cool. Thanks. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Clark. I was kidding. You can't do that. Alright, fine. Here, give her one of these. This is yesterday's paper. At least it's not on the roof. Don't pick your nose in front of me. I'm not picking, I'm scratching. What, are you scratching your brain? Yeah, cos it's huge! (CLANK!) Oh! Chain break! Not now! I have 86 houses left. Can you fix it? Gus, what should I do with this? Er, I'd flick it. Nelson leans in and gets his sign. Here comes a fastball. Swing! And a huge miss by Gretchen Peterson. Hey, losers. We have a practice scheduled here. You gotta go. I thought it was at 4:30. It is. But we wanna have a practice before our practice. Can we hit with you? No, you suck. Why don't you go home and build your science projects? (LAUGHTER) Look, there's room for all of us. We'll play catch off to the side. Listen. We have a game tomorrow and there's only one field to practise on. So... beat it! (JEERING) This is a sign you should get a car. My mother said I should hold off getting my licence for a year. Just to make sure my reflexes are fully developed. Stop it! Troy, he wants some of your famous beef stew. (CHANT) Beef stew! No, no, no, no! Oh! (FARTS) Oh, stop it! Ewww! (CONTINUES TO FART) (ALL) Yeah! Hey! Get off him! Later, fart face. Yeah, you better run! Are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine. Do you need us to call your parents? It actually... didn't taste as bad as you'd think. (CRIES) Nelson, wait! Let's just go to my house! Oh, I love beef stew. Why do kids have to be so frickin' cruel? You know, I haven't been on an actual field in almost 20 years. I've never even been on a field. If I tried, the kids would spit loogies on my forehead. That's awful, Clark. Baseball's America's pastime. That's like saying you've never had apple pie. You've never had apple pie?! My mom said it'd give me diarrhoea. That's ridiculous! You have to try it at least once. Diarrhoea? No. Baseball. It's the best. Let's come back later and hit some balls. Er, can I bring Richie? He's never played either. Yeah, bring Richie. Four o'clock. Alright. (MOBILE RINGS) Hold on. Mom's sending me a text. No way! We're having macaroni tonight! That means garlic bread! Yes! Awesome! Excuse me? Yeah? You recommended this movie and it's nothing but a lame story with a lot of lesbian sex scenes. And you didn't like it? I watched it with my parents! It was very uncomfortable. It's kinda hot. No, it's not! Alright, I'm sorry. I'll recommend this. Haunted Slumber Party. It's pretty decent. No lesbian sex scenes? I think there's two. You're a pig! Hey, Richie, are you off yet? Easy. I can't leave this second. I don't get to work for an hour a day like you, paperboy. Gus wants us to hit some baseballs. Clark, we don't play baseball. I told Gus we'd be there. And if we don't go, that makes me a liar. And that's not what I'm about. Not now, not ever! Alright, Daytime Emmy. Hey, Marty, I'm gonna split early, alright? I don't even know who you are. Bros before hos, dude. Liz, do you know where I packed my baseball mitt? No idea. If we conceive this month, we'd have the baby in January. Wouldn't it be fun to have a New Year's baby? I can't find it. January also has a higher percentage of it being a girl. I found it. I found it. I found my mitt, Liz. It was in the old trunk. Be serious. This is important. My ovulation peaks at six tonight. Alright. I love you. See you later. Gotta run. Remember, six o'clock. (GROANS) Gotta keep your eye on the ball. Wow, you just think of that? You're an amazing coach. Just focus, you'll be fine. Just watch me. In this vest, it's hard to swing. It's tight, you know? Quit picking your nose, Clark. Let's go. Look alive! Coming to you. (THUD!) Ow! Durr! You just lost your membership at Video Spot! Dang it! Hey, we have this field reserved. You were the ones picking on that kid. So? You douche bags have to go. Where's your coach? None of your business. We have practice here, so go, ho! Hey, well, no coach, no field. Sorry. Leave our field or pay the consequences. What is this, Children of the Corn? I-I'm gonna call the cops. We are cops. We're Navy Seals. Navy seals aren't cops. Aren't you our paperboy? I'm undercover. OK, you cocky jerks, you want the field so bad? We'll play you for it. But there are nine of us and three of you. So you should beat us no problem. What, are you scared? No. Yeah, chicken. (CLUCKS) I'm gonna go ask our team. This is a bad idea. They look tough. I saw that demon boy laying beef in some kid's mouth earlier. Clark used to get beef laid in his face all the time. Oh, and you didn't?! I got wedgies. That's different. It's cooler. We'll do it. Time to meet your Makers. Makers of what? Poop? Coming down! Ball's in. Don't worry, you'll be fine. Come on, strike this loser out. One! Don't swing if it's not in the strike zone. Where's the strike zone? Strike two! Right there. Three, you're out! (CHEERING) (LAUGHS) Sit down, spaz. That kid's throwing heat. Heat schmeat. One out! Gonna be two outs! I bet you're a real good catcher... of doughnuts in your mouth. Hey! Strike! Don't chop at it. It's not a sword. You're not a sword! Come on. Strike two! Oh, that's ugly, man. Strike out, Video Boy. Come on now. Strike three! Huh?! I caught it. You're out. But I ticked it. It hit the bat. You're still out. You're still fat. I ticked it. Whoo! I ticked it. You see that? Way to make contact. Oh, yeah. I was trying to get under it to rip into left and throw 'em off, but the dog barking threw me. What dog? He's gone. Ran off. Alright, go, Gus! Let's get rid of these dogs. Move in! You're going down, shorty. Ho! Alright, Gus! Awesome! Alright! Yeah! Whoa! Whoo! Yeah! He just did that steroid-free. What's steroids? It makes your pee-pee smaller. There must be steroids in macaroni! Let's go. Yeah! Whoo! Nice! Here we go. Batter up! (CLUNK!) Ahh! Strike! Ow! Not so fast! Catch it with your glove, not your face. Yeah(!) I don't need lip from you, son of Satan. You're out! You're out! Strike three. You're out! Come on, Troy. Come on. Yes! (CRASH!) Are you OK? (SCREAMS) It's over! Yes! Three, you're out! Ahh! Sorry. Shoot. Get another homer for us, Gus. Smack it in the butt. Whatever that means. Nah, I'm gonna keep it in play. Give the infield a workout. It's 17-0. What an idiot! C'mon, Troy, destroy him! Strike him out. (GROANS) Ball's still alive, chumps! Dude, he's gonna score! Should somebody call 411? No. He just got the wind knocked outta him. (FARTING) What's that noise? Get him! (SHOUTING) He just got the wind knocked back into him. (COUGHS) Why didn't you play in high school? You're incredible. The whole bully thing and jocks. I just didn't wanna deal with it. Those butts! You could've gone to the Super Bowl. That's the past. Where's your brother? Howie. Come out, the guys are here. Is he still dealing with agoraphobia? Yeah, dude, he hasn't left the house in six months. There he is. Hey, Howie. How's it going, buddy? Hey. How did hitting the balls go? We played a game against real people. You should've been there. These punk teenagers are like, "Get off our field." We're like, "We'll play you for it." And we did and we beat 'em. I hit a foul, dude. It was sweet. It was awesome. Videotape it next time so I can see. Buddy, just come with us. No. No. It's not that scary. You could use a little sun, trust me. Outside, bad. The sun, scary. It's not my friend. He wants to hurt me. Safe room. I know. Sun, bad. You, cuckoo. You know the best part about winning a baseball game? What's that? Going to Pizza Hut to celebrate. Richie? Oh, yeah. OK, buddy. Ooh, is that apple juice? No. Honestly, you have real natural athletic skills. You could be a terrific ballplayer. When you throw it and I catch it, not with my face, but with the glove, I like it. I am starting to get the fever. (WHISPERS) This chick is so hot. What's going on? Nothing, just refilling the bar. (DEEP VOICE) I love salad. Yeah, it's good and good for you. (NORMAL VOICE) I love salad. That was some Barry White shit. I work it when I have to. How's Ms Pacman treating you? That red ghost is kicking my balls. < That's them, Uncle Jerry. (CHUCKLES) Richie Goodman and Clark Reedy? You losers were on my ball field? Clark was. I was at home. They were with me. We were hitting balls, having fun. They showed up. We scrimmaged 'em. That is priceless. Clark the Dork and Richie Bitchie playing baseball. Why is that so funny? Because they're retards. They should stick to what they know best. Boogers and dingleberries. Stay away from my field or I'll have my 12-year-old nephew kick your ass. (LAUGHS) Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry. What was that? You gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one - Fairy Jerry. Oh, really? Really. OK, Gus. Gus... Gus Bus. What?! That's you, Gus Bus. (LAUGHS) Wow, that was a brutal comeback(!) Let's go, guys. I don't think I'll ever recover from that. Man! You stay off my field! Stay away from the fairy dust, Jerry. Oh. "Gus Bus"?! Shut up, Troy. It was the coolest, Gus! No-one has ever stood up to Jerry. I grew up with guys like that. They think they can do whatever they want. I just wanted to say that was great, the way you put Jerry in his place. That was no big deal. Unfortunately, Jerry's in charge of the baseball league for the county. Hey. Are you the kid that got farted on earlier? Yes. My son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for bullies. I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily. When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me. His son just did that to me last week. I tried to talk to Jerry. He laughed and gave me a titty twister. Some guys don't realise the damage they're causing. I couldn't agree more. (ALL GASP) Ewww! (ALL GASP AGAIN) Thanks for hitting Kyle Wilson in the chest with the ball, then letting me rip one in his mouth. It was one of the best days of my life! This car is so radical! Looks just like KITT from the show Knight Rider. It is KITT from Knight Rider. Watch this. (WATCH BEEPS) (KITT) "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm KITT." (ALL CHUCKLE) Who are you? Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... ..to make billions. Maybe I'll see you guys around. (KITT) "It was a pleasure to meet you all. Easy, Mel." (TYRES SCREECH) Whoa! I have yet to perfect the peel-out. No, no, no. It was cool. Chicks were checking you out. (KITT) "Try not to destroy me completely. Ooh! Ah! Ow!" . Hey, honey, I'm home. (CROCKERY CHINKS) Where have you been? I was with Clark and Richie. I'm on an ovulating schedule. You were supposed to be here at six! I thought you meant Central Mountain Time and not Pacific Standard Time. Why would you think that? Cos you're from Colorado. Don't you ovulate according to where you're born? That's just weird. So from now on, it's Pacific Standard Time. OK. I'm all over that. I'm sorry. I love you. Check out this mitt. It's all black. I look like a Borack warrior from the Captain Mighty series. (HISSES) Well, get a load of... (SHOUTS) Mega Mitt! (CRASH!) Hey! Hey! What the...? Watch it! Watch... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you without underwear on your head. Brad, wow. You have really not slimmed down. Eat me. So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're ath-e-letes now? I didn't know athlete had three syllables. Ath-e-lete. That's ama-za-zing. You think you're hot shit cos you know words. Be a stud and point us toward the register. Or register-er. My team practises today at five. Swing by if you she-men wanna lose. Whoa-ho-ho! You can't handle the truth! Bring it! Suck it! Oh! (LAWNMOWER WHIRS) Gus! Gus! He can't hear us. (GROANS) Hey, fellas. You OK, Richie? Yeah, I'm fine. Just purple nuts. We just had a run-in with one of our old bullies over at the store. What happened? He said we're still wusses. He challenged us to a game. Can you leave work? Of course I can. I'll finish up later. Let's take him down. I'm gonna puke. Grab my arm. (BELCHES) Bobby, this one's coming for you. Focus and give us a double play. Attaway! Good job! Looks like the Three Muskequeers decided to show up. Get your butts in here. It's time to scrimmage some losers. Yeah, we got a scrim-im-age. Come on! (CHUCKLE) Durr! How the hell's this gonna work with three guys? We got a pitcher, a catcher and a fielder. You've got a retarded paperboy, a gay video clerk and a smelly midget. Wanna dance? I'll dance on your face. Dance? We'll beat your ass. Death to you. Titty twister! My wife's the only one who gets to twist these man titties. I just know you guys better-better come ready to play! (MIMICS BRAD'S STUTTER) Gus is the new Jet Li. Hey, Dad, come down to the field, quick! Strike one! Ow! Ow! Strike two! Strike three! Hey! What?! It slipped. (LAUGHS) Strike three! (CACKLES) What are you laughing at? He told me a joke. Let's go, Richie! Oh, yeah. Hey, Dad, come here! Look! Might wanna throw a fielder up in those mountains in case... ka-bang. What you got?! (GROANS) Pulled something. Used to run track. Come on, Richie! Strike two! I didn't swing! Can't count it. Strike three! Could you tell him to slow it down? Did you tell him? Ow! Here you go. Thanks. You're welcome. Whoa! Home run! Yeah! Yeah! Did you see that?! (LAUGHS) (BOTH CHEER) Howie, he just hit a home run! Whoa! Whoa! (SCREAMS) Strike One! Strike two! Strike three! Can I get you a tennis racket? No-o-o! (BOTH SCREAM) Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. Great game. Hey, thanks, Mel. I have this idea I wanna run by you. Are you free for lunch tomorrow? I take lunch from 12 to 4:30, so if it's in there I can handle it. Tomorrow is egg salad day, but I guess I could double up on lunch. Gus, what do you think? One sounds good. Great! I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street. See you then. See you, Nelson. Bye. What do you think it's about? You're in trouble. No way! You're definitely busted. I didn't do anything. I swear! Whoa! This is it? I always wondered who lived here. I thought it was Clay Aiken. Who goes there? That is so cool! Hey, it's Gus, Clark and Richie. You may enter. Thanks, Darth! (HUSKY) Thanks, Darth! This place is sick. This house must cost a zillion dollars. Two zillion, actually. Hey, Mel. This place is incredible. Thank you, Gus. Welcome to Chateau Shmegmer. Shall we adjourn to the food quarters? Gentlemen, make yourselves at home. Whoa! Yoda! R2! (MIMICS R2-D2) Number Seven. Lunch is ready when you are, Mr Carmichael. Hey, Number Seven. Don't touch me! Let's eat. Sit wherever you please. (BOTH GIGGLE) Order any kind of sandwich you'd like. Number Seven, thank you. I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with... mayonnaise. (PING!) Ta-dah! Whoa! Can I have tuna fish and Skittles and pudding skin on wheat with the crust cut off? I guess so. (BEEPS / WHIRS) (PING!) (GASPS) That was radical! Alright, I got a crazy one for you. I'd like a turkey on white. Oh! He's good. So, what's on your mind, Mel? Gentlemen, it is time we brought this cause into the public eye. What cause? The cause of the benchwarmers. The kids who warm the bench while the others play and have fun. All of us in this room have been excluded from athletic activities, and now our kids are going through the same tomfoolery. Richie, do you have any kids? Never had a date. Clark? Never spoke to a girl. Gu... Gus? My wife and I are working on it. When you DO have them, you will know how painful it is to see them sad. Bonjour, dudes. Hey, Nelson. Hey, Nelson. How's it going? Son, you have a little smear of something on your cheek. From a dog or a cat? (SNIFFS) I think it's a goat. Number Seven, some assistance, please. Thanks. You're my best friend. As you are mine, Nelson. That's so cool. (NUMBER SEVEN LAUGHS) This is why I wanna start a round-robin tournament with you three men playing against all the mean-spirited teams of the state. But why us three? Because you know what it feels like to be left out. You're three grown men who never got to play baseball because you were weird and smelled and sat when you peed. OK, the last one was just me. But you get my point. But why would any of these teams agree to play? Ah! For the prize. Whoa! It's incredible! An official-size stadium, modelled to scale after all the greatest ballparks in America. It's like Wrigley, Fenway and Yankee. Nelson and his buddies have set up websites devoted to your team. You can go on nerdly.net, thebenchwarmers.org, please-stop-with-the-shit-tossing- it's-getting-old.com. Why not just build a stadium only for Nelson and his buddies? Richie, that won't solve anything. Yeah, Clark. If we beat them at their own game, kids like Nelson and his buddies will get respect. We'll do it. Come on. Benchwarmers, on three. One, two, three! (ALL) Benchwarmers! . Can I get a napkin? I spilled my ice cream. On the counter. (SPEAKS WITH A LISP) Excuse me, sir. Are you Gus Matthews? Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak. People despise me for it. People spit. I mean, I spit when I talk sometimes, too, you know? My name is Sammy. They call me Sammy Sprinkler. Pleased to meet you, Sammy. I'm Gus. Gus Bus. If I come to a game, can I be your scorekeeper and statistician? Certainly. Yes! Alright. See you later, Sammy. You're the man, Gus. Peace out. Alright. Who was that boy? I was seeing if he'd baby-sit our triplets in a year or so. Why are you spitting on me? Oh, I'm sorry. This is idiotic. Are these guys serious about this benchwarmer crap? It sounds like it. I'm not playing this stinking thing. If there weren't nerds in the world, who would we throw crap at? No doubt. But what if we don't play and they win it? They'll probably build some weird nerd spaceship and fly it to Planet Booger or something. (LAUGHTER) No, guys, it's one-game elimination. They're as good as done. You know what? You're right. Let's strap it on and beat these three geeks and win us a new stadium. (ALL) Let's get it on! This green one is sweet. Oh, alright, OK. Whoa! We have a crowd, you guys. Excellent! Holy crap! What is she doing here? Who is it? That salad chick from Pizza Hut. She's so hot it's sick. Hey, she's with me. You wish(!) Good afternoon. How are you feeling? I just destroyed that porta potty but I'm feeling better. Who did this?! Oh! Ew. Sorry! Listen. I got a gift for you. I never had my own uniform. We can't have a team without uniforms. I'm never taking this off. This is the coolest thing ever. This is the first game. Let's go out there styling. (ALL) Yeah! Nelson, you showed serious bat-retrieving skills. Want to be our official batboy? (GASPS) I... I... That means yes! Come on! What are we waiting for? Let's kick some hairless ass! (LAUGHS) I had hair on my ass before I could walk. This is it. The Benchwarmers' quest for a stadium is about to begin. (ALL) Karl's! 'Karl's Auto Body, the bad guys, have taken the field in our Internet Podcast of Benchwarmers' baseball.' 'First to bat, Richie Goodman.' Fingers crossed. Come on, Richie! Easy out here. Let's go. 'The pitcher pitches.' Strike! I ticked it! I ticked it again! (LAUGHS) Strike! Nice try, son. Whoo! Just fouled two in a row in front of salad girl. Nice! 'Next up to bat, Clark Reedy.' Alright, Clark, here we go. You're the man. (SQUEALING) Those squirrels are definitely out. (ALARM WAILS / GROANS) That's my Miata! Kill him! (SHOUTING) Hey, break it up! Why is this happening?! Come on! Snap his femur! Richie! Help me! Help me! Mommy! Come on, Gus! You can do it. Big hitter. Big hitter. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoo-hoo! Home run! Yeah! Yahoo! Strike! Ow! Ahh! Strike! Ahh! (CROWD) Home run! Home run! Home run! (CHEERING) Another one! Oh, my God! Strike! Strike! (SCREAMS) Gus Bus! Gus Bus! Gus Bus! Gus Bus! This can't just be about me. I gotta get these guys more involved. Look alive, Clark! I wanna go home. No, we need you, buddy! No, you don't. I'm awful. Come on now. (This one is coming right to you, Clark.) It's up! Clark! Clark! Clark, look out! Huh?! Alright! Good throw. Use your mitt, son, not your head! Get it in here, pal! Hold! Hold! Hold! Good job! Gus, let's end this. Two outs. Strike this kid out, like before. 'A home run would tie it up and could knock the Benchwarmers out.' There we go! Nice! Go! Make the play, Clark! Clark, go! Pick up the ball! Run! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey. Richie! Incoming! What'd you say? Oh! Go! Richie, get the ball! The ball?! (GASPS) Behind you! You're out! Yeah! (CHEERING) What is wrong?! Yes! Hey. (GASPS) I'm sorry, honey, we had another game today and I pulled a muscle. You're kidding. It's OK, I was safe. Gus, we're trying to start a family. I can't do it by myself. I would hope not, cos that'd make you a hermaphrodite. We don't want that. I'm glad this is a big joke to you. What? Honey, I was just having a little fun. Come on, don't go. (DOOR SLAMS) Gentlemen, yesterday's performance was phenomenal. All the online chatrooms are exploding with enthusiasm. Why aren't we out practising on the field? Well, I thought we could have kind of a secret practice. Become more well rounded as a unit. Nothing much. Hitting, running, throwing, catching. Yeah, Clark. (LAUGHS) I heard you stunk. Shut up, Number Seven. You shut up! (I'll kill you.) I want you to meet an old friend who knows a thing or two about baseball. Ready when you are, buddy. Is that Mr T? Dude, it's Dr Dre. No, no! That's Reggie Jackson. Yeah, no, I don't know. Mr October! 563 home runs, twice World Series MVP, where he spanked four consecutive home runs, three of 'em on three pitches. Reggie Bar and I met at tuba camp when we were kids. (LAUGHS) Look at that. No way! That's you? Why's that funny? I was a cute kid. Oh, absolutely. You're like a young Denzel. (I didn't know Denzel played Urkel.) Reginator and I went through some tough times together with bullies. I can't stand it. Drives me crazy! Oh! Easy, buddy. Easy. Anyway, I told Reggie we're having some problems with our fundamentals and he agreed to come and help us run some drills. Isn't that great? We'll do the same drills that I did when I was a kid learning to play. Hey, so, whose house is this? Shh! This is to teach you speed. How's standing here gonna teach us speed? Where's he going? Run! Go! Reggie, you're nuts! 'Who in the hell is it? I was freakin' sleepin'!' Nobody messes with me! I will rip your throat out! Do you hear me? And I will find you! (FART) You're in the bushes! I'm sorry! Ow! I'm sorry. (PUNCHING SOUNDS) Go back to sleep! Ow! (DOORBELL RINGS) Come on, guys, let's go! Come on! Who's there? You'd better run, you smart alecks! 'Who is it, Brad?' Just a bunch of punks who better watch their backs! Relax, smarty pants. Let's finish the massage. Brad have a pool? I don't think so. Ewww! Yeah, I guess you're right. You little devil. I'm gonna get you! Nightmares. This next drill, boys, is for your catch and quick-release skills. Hot potato! Whoa! Ow, ow, ow! No! Ah, ah, ah! Excellent! Clark, let it go! (SIZZLING) (GASPS) Throw it! Get rid of it! Let it go! Release! Release! Release! Ow! Wha...? (SNARLS) (BARKS) Sorry. Oh, dear! Phew! The final drill is for hand-eye coordination. Hit it, Mel! Oogaty boogaty boogaty! Let's go racin'! # "Alright" - Supergrass Oh! Look at that! Excellent! That's insane! That's my friend! (LAUGH) (ALL) Whoa! Give me the bat. (CHANT) Gus Bus! (ALL CHEER) Attaway to go! Don't fall. Come on! You're gonna get it! (CLANG / SCREAMS) Come on, man, you can do it. Let me see it. (CRASH!) (SCREAMS) Clark, you're lucky I'm a billionaire. The score is all tied up. The bottom of the sixth. This is their closest battle yet. Ow! Strike! Alright, Clark. See the ball, be the ball. (GROANS) Clark just made contact. With his own head! Grab real tight and concen... (CRASH!) Hey! Better distance that time. Thanks. Yeah. 'Richie's comin' up. The Benchwarmers need a hit here.' She's way outta your league. What's that? You're probably a 39-year-old virgin. Women don't think it's cute. Shouldn't you be at home combing your doll's hair? Shouldn't you blowing a doll up? That's the only action you'll get. (GRUNTS) Take it out on the... ball, not his head. (GRUNTS) Oh! Yeah! Run! Run! Move your ass, Richie! (WHIMPERS) Run, Richie, run! You got it! Run! Come on, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 'Rounding third, heading for home!' Bring it, dork! Ohh! Touch home plate! Touch home plate! Richie, touch home! Beep! 'He scores!' 'Benchwarmers win!' It's a miracle! Whoo! I ain't a virgin now to home runs, beeyatch! Miaow! (LAUGHS SMUGLY / SINGS CHEERFULLY) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! "The Benchwarmers win a close one on Richie's first home run in the history of the universe. See you in game three." Excuse me. Can we have your autographs? Are you serious? Yeah, you can. Just write my name right here on the ball? You see that home run? Tell your sister about it. Wait, do you need my address, too? Oh, you guys are making some noise. This is music to my ear hair. My dad has ear hair. It's pretty scary. Is badass one or two words? How do they keep winning? They're a bunch of turd nuggets! Who wants to wrestle? I'm in. Alright. I'm good. I'm good. Gotcha. Howie, listen to me. They're not gonna kill you. They're dropping off my cookies. They look very aggressive. I think they wanna beat me up. You'll be fine. Just take the Thin Mints back into the apartment. Fine! You can eat the Thin Mints at my funeral, Richie. (PANTS) (SCREAMS) Hot! Hot! Hot sun. Should we ring again? (YELLS) (BOTH SCREAM) Cookies! Sun bad. Sun bad! (SCREAMS) Excuse me? (COUGHS) Hey. How you doing? Yeah. Wrong pipe. No biggie. What's going on? Just returning these movies. Oh! Hey, well, I'm the management so I'm gonna waive the late fee. Oh, they're not late. But thank you. Well, anything you want in the store is free, too. I'm Sarah. My brother Jarret. He's a fan of yours and the Benchwarmers. Wow. Cool. Thanks for cheering us on. Hey, what does beeyatch mean? Oh, er, that's, er... That means "good game" in Swedlandia. We'll let you get back to work. Oh, OK. Maybe I'll see you at another game? Yeah. Definitely. See you, Jarret. Beeyatch yesterday. Marty, what do you think of my future wife? I smell cinnamon rolls. Oh, I smell cinnamon rolls, too. Gentlemen, check it out. Whoa! Nerd headquarters. I never felt more comfortable. Hey, guys, take a gander at these. We made your own baseball cards. Cool! Let me see. They got statistics. I hit 30 home runs. 11 foul ticks. 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five broken windshields and six dead birds. I'm freaking awesome! Listen up. Brookdale and Candia advanced today. We have to beat them to make it to the semi-finals. But it's on their own home turf. So we're gonna have to hit the road. Brookdale?! Aren't you from Brookdale? Yeah. That's great! We'll have a welcome home party. No! I mean, er, it's alright. I lost contact with everybody there. We're staying overnight? Does my mom have to sign a permission slip? No, but we will have to change your diaper. Seriously, it's been three days. I just found out I have to leave town for a landscaping convention. You never mentioned it before. I know. This is the first one. My ovulation has been delayed three days because of the full moon, so it's OK. Hey, Gussie, imagine if we had a boy first and he grew up to be smart and sweet and handsome. Or imagine he's only three feet tall and everybody in the school calls him Midget Boy or Yoda. And then just for fun they throw him into a bunch of bowling pins and laugh until they pee themselves. Were you Midget Boy or Yoda? I don't wanna talk about it. Just make some room, I gotta take a leak. (GIGGLES) (WATER TRICKLES) You're not kidding! Stop it! Mel is officially insane. Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Right? Gus, how sick is this? It sleeps five and it's got PlayStation. Check out the fridge, it's full of sweets. I'm on my third candy bar. Oh, man! Mother would not approve of this. That's creepy. Ow! What the hell is that? That's just Howie. Howie?! You left the house. Good for you. Richie told me about the killer that's loose. He's killing anyone named Howie. That's my name! Just go with it. Nelson! Let's go, we gotta be in Candia by two. FYI, this team is notorious for egging comic book conventions. Destroy them! (LAUGHS) Howie, you're a freak. Edgar, let's get this Gus Bus on the road. 'It's game three.' 'Benchwarmers versus Standard Fence at Candia City Park.' Are we here? Losers! I think we are. 'It's the sixth inning and the Benchwarmers are down by one run, with Clark Reedy up on deck.' Clark! Hold the bat. Wait. Why? That's good. Really good. What are you doin'? Oh, I see! Hey, Richie! I look like a mummy! God, it worked! Clark got a hit! Awesome! The other way! Come on, run it out! Let's go! Yeah! 'And Richie scores! That ties it up, 4-4!' I made it! Yeah! Clark, bend down. (WHIMPERS) (LAUGHTER) What the heck was that? Nice going! What a moron! Huh? Oh! (CROWD GROANS) 'The ball gets away from the catcher! Gus goes to second!' Go! He missed it! Hey! What the...?! Let go! Go, Gus, go! You got it! Come on! I got it! You got it. You got it. Get the ball! Get the ball! Get up! Get up! (LAUGHS) (ALL) Yeah! Ow. Ooh, it burns. Hot! It burns! It burns! "And the Benchwarmers win 5-4." Look! We're like the Beatles. Or Wham! Get your souvenirs! Flat rolls, pocket protectors, pennants! Welcome to Brookdale for game four. Benchwarmers' baseball is on the Internet. Coach Bellows, Gus Matthews. Shake hands and have a good game. Gus Matthews, sounds familiar. Are you from around here? Er, no. I grew up on the North Pole. Not even close to here. And here's the pitch. It's a high fly ball! (SQUEAKS) (LAUGHS) (CHEERING) Eww! (CRUNCHES) 'Bad news. Benchwarmers are behind 2-0. Gus is up. Clark's on third.' 'He smacked that one!' Oh! (CRIES) No! Relax. 'This game is all tied up!' Richie hit a four-footer! Go, Richie! Run it out! Get there! Run it out! He's safe! He's safe! He's safe! (CHEERING) Way to go! Run it out! 'He's rounding third!' 'Richie scores! Oh-oh, Clark overran third base!' Safe! Too high! Bad idea! Call 911! That was a close one! Benchwarmers, 3-2! Brookdale Glass is shattered! Could we please leave, Mel? What? Yeah, sure. Gus! This'll relax you. Fresh off the presses. Front page! "Benchwarmers get Hizzot and Rizoll into Semi-Fizinals." If my wife sees this, I'm busted. Do not fret. Number Seven is covering Clark's paper route. Problem solved, Gus. Welcome to the semi-finals of Mel's tournament. Only Wayne's Hardware stands between the Benchwarmers and the final game. Meanwhile, the nerd fans are attempting their first wave ever. Hey, Jerry, what's goin' on? Who's this? I wanted you guys to have a little edge, so I brought my friend Carlos. He is from the Dominican Republic, and he is one incredible ballplayer. That's great. How old are you? I am twelve. More like 1200. Check my birth certificate. He's legit. (LAUGHS) You're kidding. This is green crayon. Papi! Papi! Silencio! (CRIES) That's your kid? Anyways, look, thanks a lot, but my team kicks ass. We'll be fine. Well, he's here if you need him. (BURPS) I need a refill. You need to go to an AA meeting. (LAUGHS) No, really. I need a refill. Here! Hold this! Look, a vampire! Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Hey-hey! It's a hit parade! Time-out! It's about time. Go. You're in. Gimme that. Come on, hombre. We need mucho home runos. Whoa! Whoa, dude. You smell like beer. You look like beer. Hey, who the hell's this guy? Sorry. Is he on your roster? Yeah. He wasn't feeling well earlier. Mi tummy es sicko. He's 50! He's got a moustache! Not according to birth certifico. He's got documentation. Play ball! (CHEERING) Get outta here, baby! Get outta here, baby! Yes! Oh, shit! Howie, listen. Take this money, go buy beer and tequila. He'll go with you. Don't be scared. No, no, no. Go, go, go. You're alright. Strike three! (CHEERS / SPEAKS SPANISH) You gotta step in the batter's box. I'm gonna kill your family. (SCREAMS) Yes! Yeah! Gone! Looks like the Gus Bus is outta gas. I got it! I got it! (CROWD BOOS) That's what I'm talkin' about! (SIZZLES) Yeah! 'The Benchwarmers cling to a one-run lead.' Your hair is like a waterfall. Thank you. (WHISPERS) Carlos! Who say my name? This is a present from the Benchwarmers. You're good at baseball. Awesome. Gracias, albino. Now get lost! (SCREAMS) 'Two outs and the Benchwarmers hanging on, 6-5.' Que?! Gus, go! (SHOUTS IN SPANISH) Safe! (BOTH) Yes! (CHEERING) Oh, my God! (SCREAMS) Un accidente. Ow! My hand! 'Top of the sixth, Benchwarmers leading seven to five.' That looks rough. Is it broken? No, but I definitely can't pitch. Richie, can you pitch? No. I can't even catch. My vote is to have Clark. Wait, why me? You throw papers. You have some kind of arm. Come on! Let's go, guys. We have no other choice. What are you gonna do? Play the outfield. I can still catch pop flies. I'll try! I wonder if Clark ever pitched before. (GROANS) (BOTH) Nope. Come on, really burn it in! Yeah. Ball three! Come on! Ball four. Take your base. 'Two-run lead. Bases are loaded, and Carlos is coming up.' 'One run scores.' Ah! Ow! 'The tying run scores.' 'Here comes the lead run! And he is...' Out! Oh, my God! What a play! (MUTTERS IN SPANISH) 'We go to the bottom of the last inning, and it's all tied up.' Carlos, we need tres more outs to go into extra innings. Is that beer? No, it's Gatorade. Just give me the ball. 'The Benchwarmers need to get something going against Carlos.' It's a live ball! Run it out! Run it out! Yes! Cheap-o hit-o, Bicicleta. Maria, why did you leave me, huh? Letting a 12-year-old drink like that, it's disgusting. (CHANT) Here we go, Richie, here we go! Ball! Come on! He's ducking the ball! Take your base! (SPEAKS SPANISH) 'Gus is up, and here's the pitch.' Safe! Hey! Who's on deck? Damn! They don't have anyone else. They'll have to forfeit. What?! Don't you have any reserve players? No. What about that guy over there eating sun block? He's never played before! He's got a uniform on. Hey, either he plays or you forfeit the game. Play ball! 'Last inning, the winning run's on third, and it's all up to Howie.' (LAUGHS) Look at this freak. Son, get in the batter's box. Someone get his sword. (BURPS) Here you go, Howie. Take this. Nelson. Nelson. 'Get up there and take a swing!' Look at all those albinos. (SCREAMS) Wait till he pitches the ball, retard. Strike! They should let him use his sword. Maria! (No.) Come on, weird guy! Whoo! (CROWD CHANTS) Weird guy! Oh. Oh! (SCREAMS) Take your base! (WAILS) No way! We win! We win! Amazing! You have to touch first base, kid. C'mon! 'Howie, hit by the pitch, forces in the winning run, and sends the Benchwarmers to the final!' That's game! (CHEERING) Hey! Whoo-hoo! Carlos, you're drunk! (BURPS) Hey. We're here with Richie Goodman. How do you feel after that big win? What can I say? Baseball's in my blood. "Hey, could I give a shout out to my main salad girl at Pizza Hut?" "I like... salad." 'Can you believe this crap?' I'd like to beat his ass like I did back in the dizay. Are they any good? The only guy that's good is him. "This is Gus Matthews, the heart and soul of the Benchwarmers." Gus Matthews?! "So, were you bullied as a kid?" "The bully thing affected my life pretty huge, and I wanna tell kids that messing with other kids can do a lot of damage." What?! That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up. But you're twice his size! He didn't do the physical warfare. He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine. He jumped all over it with the mean nicknames. Eight Ball, Bowling Ball, Kojak, Mr Clean, Cream of Wheat Guy, Scatman Caruthers, the Black Uncle Fester! How about the Black Bodybuilding Charlie Brown? That's a good one. He used that, too! (SOBS) Oh, don't cry, buddy. I think your hair's the bomb, yo. It looks great. Doesn't it, guys? Yeah. Really? (ALL) Yeah. Sure, Daddy Warbucks. I would've never have thought that was a wig, if I was blindfolded! We got a problem? Why don't you punch me in the face as hard as you can? Pour some honey on me. Let me see you get really mad. Anyway, er, at least I left there with my sanity. He actually teased this midget boy in our neighbourhood league so bad, he up and quit baseball and went into the loony bin! We gotta tell Jerry. He'll love this. Definitely. Really? Thanks, Cassandra. What's the score? Jerry's Lumber just won 5-2. So our town gets the stadium! Nelson and his buddies will get it. We'll kill those guys! (ALL) Yeah! Number Seven, shakes all around! Yes! I gotta take a leak. Down the hall, 12th door on the right. (WHISTLES) "Last night we did a story about the Benchwarmers." Hey, check it out! "..were excluded from baseball and are making up for lost time." "Hello, Gus. This is the urinal speaking." "A chemical analysis of your pee shows you'd better stop eating fast food or you're going to die." "We have just been given evidence that Gus Matthews is not the man he's been saying he is." No shake for me. The toilet said so. "Gus was the biggest bully in Brookdale." "You weren't the nicest kid in school either, Steven." "(CRIES) I hate everybody!" "What a baby. But he's right. I was their principal back then, Gus was in my office constantly." "He picked so hard on one kid that he boy had to be institutionalised." "That's really too bad. Those guys inspired a lot of really nice kids." "This is Kathy Dobson, Channel 9 News." You were a jerk just like the rest of the kids who mess with me? I made a mistake, Nelson. I wish I could take it all back. I can't believe I looked up to you. I don't know what to say, guys. I'm sorry. Let's party! Not now, Number Seven! Is that why you don't wanna have kids? Do you feel you don't deserve a happy family because of your past? I'm afraid that if we have kids, they'll get picked on without mercy because karma will be catching up with me. Sweetheart, you are wrong. Life's about learning lessons. I can't learn a lesson and move on. That little boy that I picked on when I was a kid, he didn't ever move on. I bet he'd be able to move on if you said you were sorry. Can I help you? Marcus, honey. What is it, Mother? I've finished another peanut-butter sculpture. It's a pterodactyl. Oh, that's nice. You have a visitor, dear. But I don't know anyone. It's Gus from grade school. (SCREAMS) No-o-o! Don't come down here! Marcus. Don't come down! Take it easy. Take it easy. Don't touch me! Please! Hear me out. Just give me a chance. Mallakka goollee zooo! Marcus, stop trying to cast spells. Marcus. Stay away! (SQUAWKS) I want to apologise for all the nasty things I did to you. I'm not here to mess with you. No! You're lying to me like all the other times. You are denied entry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I was stupid, Marcus. Get outta my basement! You're a bad, bad man! Go! Get out! I didn't expect you to forgive me. I know cos of me, you were never able to feel what it was like to play ball or be part of a team. So I wanna give you my hat, Marcus. Because even though you didn't know it, you were the heart and soul of this squad. I'll see you around, buddy. Start here. You've got 24 hours. What, are you serious? If you build it, nerds will come. And keep it under a billion. It's all I've got... on me. (LAUGHS) Excellent! OK, people! We got 24 hours to build us a ballpark! Can we do it? (ALL) Yeah! . Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! So cool! Are you kidding me? Look at this. This place is huge! Swings! We'll go on the swings later. Slide! That's right. There's a pool. I'll go in after. Aw, I forgot my floaties! We're here for the big game between the Benchwarmers and Jerry's Lumber. The Benchwarmers were rocked by scandal. Let's see what the fans say. What do you think of the accusations against Gus? His soul will perish in the fire pit of the underworld. (HISSES) "There you have it. The fire pits. Not a good time." We could still win this thing. Wha...? How? If we use the Force. Let's try not to be too geeky. The Force is powerful, my young Padawan. He's right. It is. Hey, guys. I know I'm not on the team any more but I just wanted you to know that I'm here to support you, because you'll always be my best friends. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shmegmer Park and the final game of Mel's Tournament of Little Baseballers and Three Older Guys! (APPLAUSE) Homo! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Hey, check out the little gnome. Play ball! (CHEERING) (YELPS) Can I say something? Yeah, I guess so. Hand me the mike, please. I can't reach it. (FEEDBACK) Hello, everyone. My name is Marcus Elwood, better known as Dragonmaster 784. Or Yoda! Or Midget Boy! (LAUGHTER) It is true I ended up in an institution as a child from Gus bullying me all the time. And he made my life miserable for years. To be honest,... I thought I would never stop hating him. (CHUCKLES) But then yesterday, he came to visit me in my basement. And as I cowered in my peanut-butter fort, he apologised to me. And I could hear the sadness in his voice. This nerd makes me seem like Rambo. I don't think so. John Stamos? Warmer. Moments after my old nemesis left, I saw a hat on my stuffed moose. The hat of a Benchwarmer. A Benchwarmer begging for a new start, just like me, and so many of you. He shouldn't get a new start! I'll never forgive those who picked on me! (CROWD) Yeah! Young one, life is too short to harbour hatred. Do you remember episode number 38 of Dungeon Wars? (CROWD MUTTER) Yeah. The golden elves forgive the great giants for destroying their village, even though the giants made the elves' lives hell. The elves realised the giants were tortured, too. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Whoa. He's a modern-day Yoda. I mean, not his looks, but his philosophy and stuff. Actually, his looks, too. His looks a little bit, too. And so I forgive my new friend Gus, as all of you should. Look at all the joy and hope he's brought to all of us. He has more than paid his dues. Go, Gus! Thank you, Marcus. Hey. Buddies for life. Thanks. (CROWD) Aw! I want a little man, too. Here you go. (CROWD) Aw! Me and the guys have been playing all these games, not for revenge. We did it to show that everyone should be allowed to play baseball and have fun. And that is why Clark, Richie and I will not be playing today. (MUTTERING) Instead, our team will consist of a bunch of kids who've never known what it's like to be cheered on. Let me tell you, it's an awesome feeling. So please, put your nerd and jock hands together, and welcome to the field the new Benchwarmers! (CHEERING) Now, lastly, let's make some noise for your new third-base coach, Marcus Elwood! Yeah! Is he alright? For years I thought the sun was a monster. I'm here to tell you that it's not a monster. It's not a monster! Take him in the shade. Let's have some fun! "Clark and Richie. We're standing in for Gretchen and Mitchell." "We're gonna get things going right now. Big deck! Whoa! He got it!" Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh! And he's OK! That's my helmet! That's my helmet! It's alright, buddy! Nice try, Sammy! My God, I just saw your head for the first time. Eee! "Let's give a nice round of applause for Sammy Sprinkler!" He missed it and they're cheering. And his coach didn't yell at him. That's pretty cool. And here comes our lead-off hitter with a familiar tape job. I know why you're taping your hands. I also know why there's 3 squirrels that won't be attending this game. Strike! Strike! There's a strikeout. That's OK! Good try! Good try! Good going, Gretchen. Next up, it's Jarret. If you know Jarret, you know his sister works at Pizza Hut. She's over there. Another strikeout. And a strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout. Whoa! And a strikeout. I think we got a free stadium! We're beating them in strikeouts. You're beating 'em in boogers. Good game. Drive home safe tonight... on the Yellow Brick Road. God, he's a dick! He got all of that one. Back, back! Spaloosh! In the pool! Good hit, Kyle. Yeah! Nice one, Kyle. Go, Kyle! Well, it's 42-0 as we head into the last inning. And it looks like the Benchwarmers will go down without a fight. Hey. What are you smiling at? I guess how much fun they're having. Wipe the smile off your face or I'll wipe it off. You got three more outs. Blow this shutout, you won't play next year. Annihilate those stinkweeds! Strike one! Hang in there, son! Come on, Nelson! Strike two! Come on, strike out this loser! You know what? You're the loser. Time! What's up, buddy? Hey, Nelson. I'm gonna throw you one right down the middle. What does that mean? Choke up on the bat and swing away. The ball's gonna be right there. Thanks! I can help you with your social studies homework later. Sounds good. I suck at social studies. Guys, follow my lead. Oops! Butterfingers. He got a hit! Come on, go, go! Oh, my God! Why are you kicking it?! Go, go! Go, go, go! Ah! Come on! Come on! Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go! Run, Nelson! Get at the plate! Slide! Slide! Safe! (BOTH CHEER) We did not get shut out! Whoo! (CHEERING) Yes! Whoo! Oooh, yes! What is going on? What is going on? Let go of me! Nerds! You put me down! What is going on? (CRIES OUT) (EXCITED CHATTER) Ta-dah! (PING!) (SNORES) Can I let you in on a secret? Sure. I've never actually, like, totally, 100 percent kissed a girl before. And, er, I was wondering if you would be my first one. I would like nothing more than that. (GIGGLES) Really? Clark! You kissed a girl before I did? This is way better than macaroni. I'm not afraid of the sun any more. That's good. How's the moon treatin' you? Not a fan! The new Benchwarmers will need a coach next season. What do you say? I'd be honoured, but I might be busy getting my family started. Actually, honey, it's already been started. Really?! Mm-hm. Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be a dad! (CHEERING) That's quite an ovation. Wanna hear an even bigger one? The reason she's pregnant is because I went all the way with her! (CHEERING) That's so great. What does "all the way" mean? (SCREAMS) # I got you How can I lose? # How can I lose? # Cos now I've got you # I got you # So you think you're heading for a brand new start # She gonna take it all before it falls apart # Yeah # And you can say you believe in no one # But you gotta believe in someone # And how can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? How can I lose? # Cos I got you # Oh, I got you # I got you # Oh, I got you # Rock, rock # And you can say you believe in no one # But you gotta believe in someone # And how can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? How can I lose? # Cos I got you # How can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? I got you # How can I lose? How can I lose? # Cos I got you # Oh, I got you # I got you # Oh, I got you # I got you # I got you # I got you # I got you # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Captioning 2010