D-ohh! (screams) ("Get Smart" theme playing) (footsteps squeaking) OK, Mother's Day gift check. Let's see what you got. I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron elatiors. Daisies. Flowers. Hmm? Oh, flow... yeah. Lis, you're stupid present will only last a week. Mine will sit in the closet for years. Bart, we made her the same thing. Aw, this is even worse than you think. Look. Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping. I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years. Let's see, what would she like? 20 on the trifecta? Her wedding china back? (gasps) I could get Marge a new window just like this one. Hey, Dad, why don't we try the Sprawl-Mart? Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart. They've got everything. Even Christian videos with talking vegetables. Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! Mm, Moses. Welcome to Sprawl-Mart. Grandpa? You have a job? How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do. I'm a greeter. I'm here to make every visit special. And to size up potential shoplifters. Like I can't shoplift with my mouth. (muffled): Haw, haw. Wow, look at all this stuff. Look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads. Yeah, it's impressive, but I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge. Only imperfect stuff for me. Hey, look, it's Hairy Ass Tubman. (both laughing) Well, well, if it isn't Fatty and Smell-ma. Your names can't hurt us. Oh. Aunts Patty and Selma, can you help us pick out a Mother's Day gift? You can give her one of these. The Kitchen Carnival. We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price is Right, which the network refused to air. Apparently, we're not "TV pretty." Wow, it's a machine that makes carnival food at home. "Endorsed by the American Carny Association." Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right. All this attention. I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day. Marge, you're going to love my present. It is so thoughtful, it makes the kids' gifts look like crap. (both groaning) "Kitchen Carnival"? I love it! Thank you, Homie. Oh, Marge, get a room. (humming tune) (carnival music playing) Only my hairdresser knows for sure. Hmm, dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy? (insane laughter) (thunder crashes) (insane laughter continues) I'm going to pour caramel on my clothes, and then finally I can eat my shorts. (both scream) What is that?! This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar. Dig in. (noisy chewing) That's it, kids. Suckle Daddy's sugar ball. Chief, that guy shouldn't be in the carpool lane. His passenger is just a big piece of candy. I wish mine was. What? Nothing. Homer, are you spooning that snack? That's my old lady. (snoring) Huh? Ants! (birds chirping) Birds! (cat meowing) Cats! Flanderses! (sobbing): I was saving sugar for my wedding night. Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing. All the candy is rotting your brain. I think you should get rid of her. Then we can be together... forever! Maybe you're right, Marge. Or maybe you're right, candy ball. No, Marge. Hmm, then again... No, Marge. Definitely Marge. Goodbye, old friend. I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack. (grunting) (growling) Oh, my God, I'm going to be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking. Smooth. (whimpering) (footsteps squeaking) 1 Homie! What happened to you?! Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it. But seeing you like this is more than I can bear. Bear?! (screaming) BROCKMAN: The angry president woke up, crawled out of his grave and went back to work. (chicken clucking) That sound can mean only one thing-- it's time for another instalment of "Kent's Cowards." Today's clip comes straight from the Springfield dump. (snarling) Dad, you got attacked by a bear? I did a lot of stuff today. I went to Starbucks, but you didn't see that on tape. (whimpering) (crying) (sobbing) (chuckling) The hilarious footage was shot by local hunter Grant Conner-- not with a gun, but with a camera. That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding... I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad. You did the right thing, hiding and crying. Yeah, we'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candour! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation. It's a deal. Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little old giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support. My dad once beat up six employees at KFC, and he'd been up for three days. SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately. (screams) (whimpering) (all laughing) What a delightful practically-based joke. Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? (screaming) The Bear Went Over The Mountain"?! "The Berenstein Bears"?! Ah, "Goldilocks." "And Three Bears"?! Oh, God, they're in our food. Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears. ("Teddy Bear's Picnic" playing) Are you a Care Bear? I'm an intensive care bear. Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty. ("Mexican Hat Dance" playing) (screams) (bears growling) (sobbing) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join you? No, go ahead. (sobbing) (both sobbing) All right, that's enough, Fraidy Sue. Here's what you got to do. Find that bear that whupped you, and whup him back. Can I fight human-style? By slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile? You cowardly Swede. You face that bear like a man, or I'll never speak to you again. But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? I have a web site. Welcome to my home page. Why don't you visit more often? Mr. Simpson, if you want to find that bear that attacked you, use this. It tracks an electronic tag I stuck in the bear's ear. It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey. Finally, science has joined forces with revenge. Now, listen, the bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem. Next time you face him, you better have some way to protect yourself. # It's the eye of the tiger # # It's the thrill of the fight # # Risin' up to the challenge of our rival... # Looking good. And I did it all without wasting money on one of those stupid welder's masks. (hissing) Behold! The ultimate in anti-bear technology: The Bear Buster 5000. Available wherever fat men dream. Oh, dear Lord. Check it out, ladies. A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attack. (gasps) (laughs) Homer, there's no rear on that thing. I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit. Now look here, Mister, I forbid you to fight a bear. What kind of example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things? Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby Dick. Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself. You're not going, and that's final. (sputtering) Fine. But do you know how ridiculous you look right now? (clanking) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (chuckles) (sputtering) (loud clanking) (door creaking) Hmm? (chuckling) Marge is sure going to be steamed when she finds you missing. Or dead. Gentlemen, sometimes a man must put his marriage at risk for reasons that are confusing even to him. You're sneaking out to fight that bear. I want to go, too. No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name. Screw that. When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass. That is so cool. All right, you can come. Lisa, I think your father just left. And Bart's missing, too. I've got a bad feeling about this. Let's check the suit closet. Suit, suit, astronaut outfit, Southern Belle, Renaissance dandy, Country-western octopus... (gasps) It's gone. That man and his foolish pride. We've got to go follow him. I just wanted to see what it was like. (with Southern accent): Howdy, y'all. If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink. (chuckles) Wow, I never realised how hot this suit is. I'm sweating out all my blood lust. Why don't you take a bath in the river? This bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago. Suh-weet. Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing. Yeah, we borrowed them for the radio. # Skyrockets in flight # # Afternoon delight... # Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the blub. (roaring) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! # Rubbing sticks together makes the sparks ignite # (Homer screaming) # And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting # # Skyrockets in flight... # (Homer screaming) 1 Mr. Connor, thank you for helping find my husband. I don't want my last words to him to be, "Clip your toenails-- they look like Fritos." Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah, it almost wrecked the whole trip. Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him. But first, a snack. (roaring) If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die a man. (loud roaring) (electronic zapping) (groaning roars) (high-pitched whining) Is this thing hurting you? Hm. (electronic zapping) Yow! (screaming hysterically) (yelling incoherently) (panting) OK, it's probably the tag. But just to be sure... (electronic zapping) Ow! Aah! (continues screaming hysterically) Hey, you're not mean. It was just this tag that made you go ape-scat. We're not so different. Give me a hug. (chuckles) Geez! I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation. # I guess that's so, we don't have a pot # # But at least I'm sure # (growls) # Of all the things # # We got # # Babe # # I got you, babe # (giggling) (grunts) # I got you, babe... # (laughing) That's... that's funny. (gunshot ricochets) Oh, no. The hunter has become the hunter. He must be following this thing. Well, I'm going to make sure it never harms another living creature. (grunts) (electronic zapping) NEWSMAN (over radio): A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest, and local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled. (chuckles): Wrong again, liberal media. A bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of $10,000. Don't worry, I'll find you someplace safe. The bear's no longer wearing his tracking device. And it looks like he's headed toward that... (mocking): wildlife sanctuary. Is there any sign of my husband? Hmm, your husband appears to be travelling with the bear, either as hostage or as what we call a "forest bride." Ew! OK, you want to go over there. (neon sign buzzing) Wait. Hold on. Something doesn't feel right. (groaning) Wait. Stop. I know bullets can be scary sometimes, but I have an idea. First, we pull off all your fur. (loud roaring) All right, all right, I'm still thinking. (gasps): They're looking for a male bear, right? (growls) Oh. It's so easy to condemn, so hard to create. OK, boys, that bear's going to make a dash for freedom, unless we take him down. Yeah, all the way down. What you said didn't really add much. I know. I just wanted to belong. Well, we all feel that way sometimes. (all racking slides) (metal clanking) (quietly): Go. Go. It's that bear! Aim for the holes in the colander! He made it! He's finally protected from man. Yeah, but now he's being attacked by an elephant. (trumpeting) Well, I'm proud of you, Homie. You set out to fight an animal, and you ended up saving its life. What can I say? I love nature. Circle of life. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 Shh!