(bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) D-ohh! (screams) (tyres screeching) ("Ring of Fire" playing) (humming "Ring of Fire") # Time to whiz in a foaming bowl of china... # D-ohh! A line for the bathroom? What gives? I don't know, but whoever's in there is taking their sweet old time. Son, can I have cuts? No. Back cuts? OK. Sweet. Hey! Wait a minute. If we're all out here, who's in there? (all gasp) (gasping) Maggie's locked inside! Now, calm down. I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger. (grunting) (delighted giggle) Oh, God, it's baby blood! Don't worry, I know just what to do. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Bart! You're not hitting hard enough! (Marge gasping) How'd you get her out? I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once. (doorbell rings) The door? Now I'll never get to pee. Dr. Hibbert? Is someone seriously ill? Is someone seriously ill? Oh, I wish. (chuckles) No, I'm here because of Bob Poochioni over there. (confused yelp) Two months ago, Santa's Little Helper paid a booty call to my pure-bred poodle, Rosa Barks... (chuckling) and he had his eyes on her prize! I'm going to drop that analogy now. ALL: Aw! Oh, well, I'm glad you think they're cute, cos they're your problem now. You just lost a box, pal! Wait, Santa's Little Helper had puppies before, and then we got him neutered. We did. Homer took him. Didn't you? Yeah, well, uh, funny thing about that... On our way to the clinic, I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget. # So let's dance the last dance # # Let's dance the last dance # # Let's dance this last dance # # Tonight # # The last dance # # Last chance for love... # Want to play some air hockey? $350 an hour. You're on! Huh? Hmm? I can't neuter you, boy. Not after all we've been through. But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions. (laughing) (growling) You broke our deal! We had an oral contract! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies. and don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady. (incoherent ranting) (cats mewing) He's an irritable, walleyed, misfit bastard! Just like Willie. Oh... Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? No, but I'll take one. OK. I'm going to cherish and care for this dog, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. (evil laugh) (kisses) (evil laugh) (tyres squealing) Seen it, bad, boring, saw it on the plane, rerun, rerun, Telemundo, me, turned it down, ABC, banned from the set, lame, lame, Regis... (groaning) Let's see... champagne or Slim Fast? Oy, that really passes the time. (knock at door) Want a puppy? He's at the peak of cuteness. (chuckling) Aw. You could nuzzle me all night. That's enough. I said that's enough! Well, look at this. You dragged me back to my old neighbourhood. And it hasn't changed a bit. DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections? # Brazilian wax! # # Get your velvety smooth Brazilian wax! # Hey ` the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur. I did five shows that night! OK, boy, let's find my star. Albert Einstein. Lorne Michaels? Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop?! Why ain't I here?! I'm a bigger name than Chaim Potok! What is he, some kind of Klingon? I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. Let me just ask you a few questions. Full name? Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofsky. Good, good. Circumcision? And then some. (chuckles) Date of bar mitzvah? Well, I, uh... You see, the truth is, uh... I never had one. No bar mitzvah? In the eyes of God, and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man. Now, see here. Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye. (thunder rumbling) Krusty, what's wrong? I just found out I'm not Jewish. (moaning) I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing! Well, you're still my hero. So what? Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew, but it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-Semite! We have so much to discuss. (groans) 1 Now I know the reason my life is so empty. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. Cheer up, Krusty. You're a clue in the People Magazine crossword puzzle. What more can a man want? Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy's life. It's when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man. The sweet little shiksa's right. Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy... with a prostate the size of a goat's head. Krusty, your dad's a rabbi. How could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah? Who knows? I've lived so hard, there's big gaps in my memory. I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing till right now. Why don't we ask your dad? Yeah, right. My father will put this in a spiritual-philosophical context. I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. It's because you're a putz! Everything is a joke to you. I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony... like you're making a mockery out of me right now! Maybe I am, but you can't argue with the laughs. Eh, so what? It's not my job to make kids laugh. Yes, it is. You're a clown. Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm nothing! (sobbing) Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah as an adult. That'd be great! Are you sure that's Kah-sher? There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it. How do you know all this stuff? I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen, and she just got into Brandeis. Wonderful! (lively show theme music playing) Hey, hey, kids! I've got a confession to make. Underneath all this plastic surgery, I'm actually a Jew, and from now on, I'm embracing my faith. (cheering) What's not to like? And now I'll teach you my traditions the way my people have passed them down for centuries... through animation. (Klezmer music playing) (reciting a Hebrew prayer) (squeals) (giggles) (shouting) (squeaks) Mouse-l Tov! And that's what I believe in now. (chuckling) Krusty, that was a great show. Once I was clapping, and the applause sign wasn't even on! Hey, that's great, but I got a problem. This schedule has me working on Saturdays. That's the Sabbath! Well, we could tape two shows on Friday. Are you nuts?! I can barely get through one show on Friday, even with the... (sniffs) Uh, you know, smelling flowers. Such expensive flowers... filled with remorse. Anyway, we got to book a guest host. How about Jon Stewart? He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package. (growls) He'd be perfect, so forget it! I need a guest host so bad, he can never replace me. I need someone who's not intelligent... Mm... not good-looking... (gasps) and so utterly repellent, he... I'm your man! (grunting) Man, are you unpleasant. You're in. (door shuts) Children, I wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting. (cheering) Let's get ready to listen quietly! ALL: Yay! Now, tonight's guest host... the ultimate place-holder... Homer Simpson! Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host... next card... Homer Simpson. It's great to be here in... next card... Springfield. My guests are... Moe Szyslak, local businessman; Carl Carlson, raconteur; and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror. Gentlemen, what's on your minds? Dad, you have to say something. Something meaningful. You ever notice how seats are too small for normal-looking guys like me? Theatres, airplanes... Why, even here. Look! (straining) (grunting) (grunting) I could not agree more. (grunts) Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau. Hey, I got a question. How come oldies stations are always playing the same song? How 'bout some new oldies, geniuses? Boy, these guys are right on the money. Yeah, my neck is sore from agreeing so much. Hey, baby! You lookin' for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, Channel 6! Thanks for the tip! Yeah, yeah, twins, I get it. Now, let's watch something I'm really interested in. Who has more power, Miss America or Miss U.S.A.? I think one's elected and the other one's appointed. I think your water just broke. Will you be quiet?! Now, you can't mix milk and meat. You got that? And on Christmas day, you must eat Chinese food, and pork is strictly forbidden. Uh-oh. All these rules... I feel like I'm in a strip club! Well, Dad, what do you want to talk about tonight? Hmm... Uh, listen, Homer, I'd like to raise an issue. Why so formal, Lenny? You're my go-to guy. Well, about that, you know, I've been with the show from the beginning, and I was, uh... was wondering if I could get a-a small cost-of-living raise. Interesting... Please welcome new panellist, Barney Gumbel. Oh, that light's a little bright. Do you think you could move it? Please welcome our newest panellist, Disco Stu. Tsk! Disco Stu knows his place. My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. "Ha-Mom-shel be-khol-a-sher-la sim-na yad-kha ta-khat..." Very good! You just earned yourself a Dr. Brown's. Krusty, you know Diane, Stu and Jeremy from the network. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Krusty, we've got some bad news. We think you're super-talented... Oh, God, you're cancelling me! Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business. You've had a good run, but Homer Simpson's a fresh face, and... You're not doing this fast enough. You're fired, too. I'm... No! (sobbing) (sobbing) # Ah, Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating, but you're always eating. Will you sign an autograph for my boy? My pleasure. I eat Legos. So did I, son. And look where I am today. Boy, everybody loves my show. It's great, Dad. You have tremendous power. And now it's time to put it to use. Yes, you're right. Duck, Mr. Lincoln! Thank you, Homer. No, Dad. I mean, you should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something. Change the world for the better! I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse. Well, I took Bart's advice last week, so I guess it's Lisa's turn. Now, if you'll excuse me. You hit him high, I'll hit him low! (grunting) (chuckling) Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on... (groaning) Fox. Well, I'm sorry, Krusty. People aren't interested in stars anymore. They want reality. Way ahead of you. How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is, I'm rife with disease. OK, OK. How about one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at 'em? (chuckles) You see, be... OK, how about you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live! Please. You people are known for taking chances on crap. You know, we've had a great time on this show "riffing" on small, unimportant subjects. Now, wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject. (chuckles) Boobs. (laughing): Just like what girls got. Well, that's all over now. From now on, we will focus solely on important issues. Every year, the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger. Yet, the IMF insists on unrealistic debt-repayment schedules. This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it. Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China. SIDESHOW MEL: Live, from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Wet 'N' Wild Bar Mitzvah! Shalom, Springfield! CROWD: Shalom! I can't schmear you. ALL (louder): Shalom! (humming scales with Hebrew "H" sound) Now to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, put your hands together for the Beach Boys... Experience! (to the tune of "Kokomo") # Mezuzah, menorah, reading from the Torah # # Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes # # A church with no steeple for God's chosen people... # (drumroll) Now let's meet a man who's muscle-bound, and a man who's bound not to eat mussels, Mr. T and Krusty the Clown. T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase. Yeah, we were kind of rough on him. I felt bad for that guy. You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it. Time for me to get into character. (click) Let's scroll! (applause and cheering) "Bar-chu et adonai hamvorach, fool..." Why should America consume 90% of the world's resources? Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts! (sobbing) You can't leave. I'm your ride home! Dad, you blew it. You listened to Lisa. And then you lost your stranglehold on the audience. I'll audience you! (grunting) (choking) So, that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. (scoffing): Tight bow tie, my ass! Now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the world's largest potato pancake! That's a lot of latke! (grunting) (gagging) Three, two, one, and... you're cancelled. Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh... Don't worry. This will be quick and painless. There we go. (pained groan) Aw, Homie, you may have lost your show, but you went out in the classiest way possible. I'm proud of you. Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me. (contented sigh) Hey, where's my car? Oh, over there. (crying) Come on, Homie. We'll go to the "Make Your Own Sundae" place. Will you make my sundae for me? Yes. Thank you, cast of The Lion King. And now, for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr. T. (fanfare plays) I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now. Spin me, clown! (laughing) (fireworks whistling) (all gasp) (fireworks popping) I wish I had invested my money better. (all laughing) (pensive moan) Krusty, the ratings were good. Raymond rerun good! Great, but there's one thing that's still nagging at me. I want a real Bar Mitzvah. In a temple. Wonderful! " ...ha.mo.shel be.khol-a.sher-lo sim-na yad.kha ta.khat..." (whispering loudly): I'm hungry. Are they married yet? They're not getting married! Then whose garter is this? I was trying to hit the dentist. And now, finally, I am a man. I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016