1 1 1 (BIRDS TWITTERING) NARRATOR: YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD MANY STORIES THAT BEGIN: "A LONG, LONG TIME AGO IN A LAND FAR AWAY..." (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) THIS ONE DOES AS WELL. BUT I ASSURE YOU, THIS IS A STORY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD BEFORE. 'TIS THE STORY OF A BOY NAMED FRED... AND IT BEGINS RIGHT HERE. WOMAN: IT'S TIME. (PAINED GROAN) YOU MUST PUSH, DEAR! (GRUNTING) THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. ONE MORE TIME. COME ON. YES. (SOFT GASP) WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S THE FATTEST BABY I'VE EVER SEEN. (BREATHY LAUGH, CHUCKLE) (SIGHS) OH. GOOD LORD! WHY DOES HE NOT CRY? HO. OOH! WHAT DID HE SAY? HO, HO. (GASPS) MOTHER: HE'S PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. WHAT SHALL WE NAME HIM? MY FATHER WAS CALLED NICHOLAS. YES. NICHOLAS CLAUS. MY SAINT NICHOLAS. FREDERICK? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AND MEET YOUR BROTHER? COME ALONG, NOW. NARRATOR: FRED LOVED NICHOLAS FROM THE FIRST MOMENT HE MET HIM. IN FACT, THAT DAY, HE MADE HIM A PROMISE. I PROMISE TO BE THE BEST BIG BROTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD, NICHOLAS. HO. (ALL LAUGH) BUT FRED'S PROMISE IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF HIS STORY. YOU SEE, SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO MAKE A PROMISE THAN IT IS TO KEEP ONE. (EXHALES SHARPLY) (EVERYONE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) TIME TO CUT THE CAKE. (FESTIVE MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYING) HERE YOU GO, NICHOLAS. I MADE THIS FOR YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. WHY, THANK YOU, FREDERICK. MOTHER: THAT WAS VERY NICE, FREDERICK. MOTHER: NICHOLAS, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NICHOLAS: THERE'S A POOR ORPHAN NAMED HENRY WHO LIVES DOWN THE ROAD. I'M BRINGING ALL MY GIFTS TO HIM. HE NEEDS THEM MORE THAN I. THAT'S LOVELY. DO YOU REALLY THINK HENRY NEEDS A JOURNAL WITH THE NAME "NICHOLAS" ON THE COVER? MOTHER: FREDERICK. IT'S A SAINTLY THING HE DOES. MY LITTLE SAINT NICHOLAS. NARRATOR: AND SO IT WENT FOR FRED. EVERY TIME HE MANAGED TO MAKE HIS PARENTS PROUD... FREDERICK, DON'T YOU LOOK NICE? (GRUNTS) ...NICHOLAS MANAGED TO MAKE HIS PARENTS PROUDER. THE DOOR WAS LOCKED, SO I DECIDED TO DROP DOWN THE CHIMNEY! WHAT FUN! (LAUGHS) NICHOLAS. IF THE DOOR WAS LOCKED, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KNOCK? BECAUSE HE'S INVENTIVE. I MADE THE OUTFIT MYSELF, MOTHER. I WOULDN'T GO TELLING PEOPLE THAT. MOTHER: REALLY, FREDERICK. WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? I DON'T WISH TO HATE HIM. HE MEANS WELL. AND I PROMISED TO BE THE BEST BIG BROTHER IN THE WORLD. (CHIRPING) YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME, CHIRP-CHIRP. (CHIRPING) (WOOD CRACKING, CREAKING) (COUGHS) FREDERICK! I NOTICED HOW MUCH YOU LIKED THE TREE, SO NOW WE'RE GONNA BRING IT INSIDE THE HOUSE AND PUT PRESENTS UNDER IT. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? (CHIRPING, WINGS FLAPPING) CHIRP-CHIRP NEVER RETURNED. FREDERICK? AH, POOR FRED. (NICHOLAS LAUGHS) MOTHER: IS THIS FOR ME? THAT TREE WAS THE LAST STRAW. HE BEGAN TO RESENT HIS BROTHER, HIS PARENTS... AND EVEN HIS LIFE. MOTHER: NICHOLAS, WHY DON'T YOU OPEN YOURS FIRST? (DELIGHTED GASPS, LAUGHTER) SPIN IT. SPIN IT. AND LIKE MANY UNHAPPY CHILDREN... WHY DON'T YOU OPEN YOURS? ...HE BECAME ANGRY. NAUGHTY, EVEN. WHAT'S THE MATTER, NICHOLAS? NOTHING. BUT WHILE FRED GREW WORSE, NICHOLAS GREW MORE GENEROUS, AND EVENTUALLY, HE FULFILLED HIS MOTHER'S PROPHECY. IN MANHOOD, HE LITERALLY BECAME A SAINT. NOW, IT'S A LITTLE-KNOWN RULE OF SAINTHOOD, BUT WHEN YOU BECOME A SAINT, YOU FREEZE IN TIME, ETERNALLY AGELESS. THE RULE APPLIES TO THE FAMILY OF THE SAINT, AND SPOUSES, AS WELL. NOW, YOU PROBABLY ALREADY HAVE YOUR SUSPICIONS OF WHAT BECAME OF SAINT NICK. THE WORLD GREW TO KNOW AND LOVE HIM AS SANTA CLAUS. BUT AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FRED, AND THE NEXT PART OF FRED'S STORY OCCURS IN A TIME AND PLACE THAT MIGHT BE MORE FAMILIAR TO YOU. (JOHNNY MERCER'S "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING) # DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW ELECTRONIC VOICE: HO, HO, HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. # IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH # O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO... # HO, HO, HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. EVERYBODY LOVES CHRISTMAS. HO, HO, HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. EVERYBODY LOVES CHRISTMAS. HO, HO, HO. OH! (GRUNTS) OW! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY TELEVISION. I WATCH THAT IN BED! ARE YOU NUTS? YOU CAN'T JUST COME RUNNING UP AND KICK SOMEONE LIKE THAT. HOW OLD ARE YOU? NINE. NINE? AND YOU HAVE A 55-INCH PLASMA TV IN YOUR ROOM? SANTA GOT IT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR. THE BIG GUY IN THE RED SUIT'S NOT LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR FUTURE, IS HE? YOU'RE GONNA GET HOOKED ON THAT THING. I CAN SEE IT NOW. 16,000 BAGS OF CHEETOS LATER, YOU WAKE UP, YOU'RE 35, OVERWEIGHT, YOU'RE CRYING ABOUT YOUR LIFE IN FRONT OF THE SOAPS. I DID YOU A FAVOUR. GO OUT, PLAY AROUND, MAKE SOME FRIENDS, PLAY KICK THE CAN, DO SOME ATHLETIC STUFF, GO TO SCHOOL, PLAY SPORTS, GET A PARTIAL SCHOLARSHIP. HAVE ANY ETHNIC IN YOUR BACKGROUND? ANY "ETHNINTICITY" IN YOUR BACKGROUND? I BET YOU DO. IT'S AMERICA. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FIND OUT WHAT IT IS, PUT THAT DOWN ON THE APPLICATION FOR COLLEGE. ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY ON THE SIDE. UNCLE SAM'S NONE THE WISER. YOU TAKE THAT EXTRA MONEY, BUY A MOTORCYCLE. BE A LADY. MAYBE MEET A GUY WHEN YOU'RE AT SCHOOL. AND THEN YOU'LL GET PREGNANT WITH CHILD. IT WORKS WITH THE GUY, DOESN'T WORK OUT, WHO CARES?! YOU'RE BLESSED TO HAVE THAT KID IN YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE GONNA BE ATHLETIC, YOU'RE GONNA BE A MODERATE- TO-LUKEWARM STUDENT, AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A CHILD BEFORE YOU GRADUATE COLLEGE. WHO YOU HAVE TO THANK FOR ALL THAT? NOT THE BIG GUY IN THE RED SUIT, BUT YOUR PAL, FRED. UGH! SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO GROW. HEY, GUY. YOU GOT A GIRL THAT KICKS. IS THAT FROM YOU, OR IS THAT BECAUSE YOU USE THE TV AS A BABY-SITTER? DON'T PAY YOUR BILLS AGAIN, NEXT TIME I'LL COME AND I'LL TAKE YOUR WIFE FROM YOU. PLASMA GOES TO MY PLACE, GUYS. LET'S PACK IT SIMPLY. MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T SCRATCH. HO, HO, HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. (ELVIS PRESLEY'S "SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN" PLAYING) EVERYBODY LOVES... # WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, PRETTY BABY # # AND THE SNOW IS FALLING ON THE GROUND # # CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS # # WELL, YOU BE A REAL GOOD... # CAROLLERS: # YOU BETTER WATCH OUT # # YOU BETTER NOT CRY # # YOU BETTER NOT POUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY # # SANTA CLAUS... # CATCH IT, CATCH IT. CATCH IT, ONE TIME. # ...TO TOWN # COME ON, COME ON. JUST A LITTLE BIT. THAT'S IT. JUST EASY, EASY. (ENGINE CLICKS) # YOU BETTER NOT CRY... # DAMN IT. (INSTRUMENTAL "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" PLAYING ON RADIO) YOU MIND CHANGING THE STATION FOR ME, PAL? IT'S YOUR BUCK, BUDDY. (DOGS BARKING "JINGLE BELLS" ON RADIO) CAN YOU CHANGE THAT AGAIN, PLEASE? OH, COME ON, I LIKE THAT ONE. THAT'S A GOOD ONE. (CATS MEOWING "JINGLE BELLS") CAN YOU PULL OVER, PLEASE? COME ON. WE'RE STILL 15 BLOCKS FROM THE-- JUST PULL THE CAB OVER, PLEASE. (SAXOPHONE PLAYING "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN") WANDA, YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ATTRACTIVE TO ME. FREDDIE, I'M MAD AT YOU. NO, SER-- NO, I'M SERIOUSLY MAD AT YOU. COME HERE. TWO WHOLE DAYS, YOU DON'T CALL ME. I TRY AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU ABOUT OUR MOVING IN TOGETHER, AND THEN YOU JUST DISAPPEAR. SWEETHEART, I DID NOT JUST DISAPPEAR. I FOUND MYSELF IN A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY WITH A SHEIK. FROM INDIA. A SH-- THERE AREN'T ANY SHEIKS IN INDIA. DON'T TELL THAT TO THIS GUY. I JUST HAD TO GO ON A TWO-DAY YOGA RETREAT WITH HIM. TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, MY CHI... REALLY STRONG RIGHT NOW. FREDDIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS? TOMORROW? YEAH. YEAH. I KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS. WHAT IS IT? WELL, TOMORROW IS TOMORROW. AND TODAY IS TODAY. AND WE SHOULDN'T BE WASTING IT ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER. (LAUGHS) NO, FREDDIE, APART FROM THAT, ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF TOMORROW? WHAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO IN THIS CONVERSATION IS THE DAY AFTER TODAY? YES. YES, FREDDIE... YOU'RE ASKING ME-- ...WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS WHEN IT GETS TO MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, AND THEN IT'S ONE MINUTE PAST MIDNIGHT, TOMORROW BEGINS, AND THEN IT IS MY BIRTHDAY! THAT? OH, NO. I KNOW THAT. BIRTHDAY THING, THAT I KNOW. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. FREDDIE. WHAT? DON'T EVEN DO THAT. DON'T EVEN PRETEND YOU JUST KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU TOO WELL, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW. I DO KNOW IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU FORGOT. BIG SURPRISE PLANNED FOR YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, BUT NOW YOU WENT AND RUINED IT. THAT'S ALL I NEED (!) REMEMBER OUR THREE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY? YOU TOLD ME TO BRUSH UP ON MY FRENCH, YOU KEPT DROPPING HINTS ABOUT THE EIFFEL TOWER, AND THEN YOU TOOK ME GAMBLING ON A RIVERBOAT IN INDIANA. BECAUSE I SAID THE FRENCH THING TO GET YOU OFF THE SCENT. THE THING ABOUT IT WAS THAT I BOUGHT THOSE FRENCH BOOKS-ON-TAPE. I STUDIED FOR THREE WEEKS. AND THAT FRENCH IS YOURS. THAT'S A PART OF YOU. NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU. ENCHANTE. OUI, OUI. (SPEAKS FRENCH) YOU GOT SOME TIME? COULD I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE? (LAUGHS) I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU. FREDDIE, WILL YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE SURPRISE? IF I TELL YOU, THEN IT WOULD NO LONGER BE A SURPRISE. I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT... YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU SHOULDN'T TELL ME, THEN. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT THE SURPRISE. BECAUSE IT'S NOT A SURPRISE ANYMORE. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS, SO IT'S NOT A SURPRISE. ON THIS OCCASION, I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. OKAY. IT'S A DINNER. YEAH? AT A... PRETTY EXCITING NEW HOT SPOT HERE IN TOWN CALLED... BONSAI PALACE. OH, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. BONSAI-- BONSAI PALACE. HM. YEAH. YOU'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP? IF WE GO TO BONSAI PALACE, I MEAN, IT'S GONNA EXIST. IT'S GONNA BE THERE. ABSOLUTELY. IT'S A HOT SPOT. OKAY. THINK ROMANCE, AND THINK GETTING LOST. (LAUGHS) CHARLIE BROWN, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO CAN TAKE A WONDERFUL SEASON LIKE CHRISTMAS AND TURN IT INTO A PROBLEM. (WINDOW SLIDES OPEN) HEY! MY MAN, FRED! SLAM, DON'T COME IN HERE BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS, OKAY? IF YOU CAN COME IN HERE, AND BE CALM AND RELAXED AND BE A GENTLEMAN, THEN YOU CAN COME IN. CAN YOU DO THAT? YEAH. YOU WANT SOME MILK? YEAH. OKAY. DON'T BE PLAYING WITH THE CHANNELS AND PUTTING ON THE VIDEOS AND DANCING. IT'S EXHAUSTING, OKAY? OKAY. (GRUNTS) DO YOU GOT TO GO OVER THE COUCH? WHY CAN'T YOU--? THE FEET. THE FEET ARE DIRTY, THE COUCH IS CLEAN. YOU PUT THE FEET OFF THE THING. OH. MY BAD. DO YOU WANT THE MILK? YEAH. GO GET THAT MILK. YO, FRED. I ASKED SANTA FOR A PUPPY THIS YEAR. I'M GONNA NAME HIM MACARONI, BUT... I DON'T KNOW HOW SANTA'S GONNA KNOW WHERE TO BRING ME MY GIFTS THIS YEAR, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'LL BE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES, IF MY GRANDMA IS SICK, I END UP STAYING OVER AT MY AUNT'S. AND MOST OF THE TIME I JUST END UP STAYING WITH MY AUNT'S BOYFRIENDS. MM. WHAT DO YOU THINK, FRED? CAN SANTA FIND ME? SLAM, HAVE YOU EVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT SANTA CLAUS? NOT REALLY. GUY'S IN A BIG RED SUIT FLYING AROUND ON REINDEER BECAUSE HE CRAVES THE SPOTLIGHT. HE'S A FAME JUNKIE. THE GUY'S A CLOWN. HE'S A MEGALOMANIAC. IT'S ALL A BIG SHELL GAME. HE'S LIKE, "I LOVE TO GIVE GIFTS. LOOK AT ME, I'M SO NICE." HE'S GETTING PAID, HE'S GOT A WHOLE THING ON THE BACKSIDE. THEY SELL MORE OF THOSE SANTA STATUES AND THOSE CHRISTMAS TRINKETS THAN THEY DO OF BUDDHA? OH, THE BIG FAT DUDE THAT BE IN THE NAIL SALON. HE BE, LIKE: (HUMS) DON'T BE A CHEERLEADER FOR SANTA CLAUS, OKAY? YEAH. THINK ABOUT IT. DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. I LIKE KOOL-AID. YEAH, BUT DON'T DRINK THIS KOOL-AID. SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA ASK SANTA FOR NOTHING? SLAM, I GET WHAT I WANT WITHOUT CHARITY FROM SANTA CLAUS. TWO HANDS ON THE MILK, PLEASE. OH, TWO. TWO HANDS TO DRINK MILK. IN FACT, I'M ABOUT TO STEP INTO A VERY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS SITUATION RIGHT NOW. I GOT MY MONEY WORKING FOR ME. I'M CREATING ASSETS. STARTING A NEW BUSINESS-- A ASS WHAT? ASSETS. WHAT'S THAT MEAN? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. FRED: PLEASE. LEON, IT'S GOT TO BE THIS SPOT. LEON: THEN YOU GOT TO COME UP WITH THE FULL $50,000 BY THE 20TH. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN HOLD IT FOR YOU. PEOPLE ARE BREATHING DOWN MY NECK. I GOT THE MONEY. MAYBE WE'RE NOT UNDERST... I'M... I GOT THE MONEY. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. WHAT IT IS, IS LIQUIDATING THE MONEY. I HAVE TO GET THE MONEY... (STAMMERS) ...IN A LIQUID SITUATION SO THAT I CAN POUR IT. LISTEN TO ME. WHAT'S THE LARGEST GROWTH INDUSTRY IN AMERICA? IT'S GAMBLING, RIGHT? THIS EMPTY SPACE THAT WE'RE STANDING IN RIGHT NOW, IN THREE MONTHS' TIME WILL BE THE MOST TRAFFICKED OTB IN THE ENTIRE CITY. WE'RE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. SO EVERY DAY WHEN THE MARKET CLOSES AND THE DAY TRADERS HIT THE STREETS, THIS IS WHERE THEY'RE GONNA COME, LEON. IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. PLEASE. I HAVE TO HAVE THIS SPACE. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR NO FUTZING FROM YOU, PAL. I NEED IT BY THE 22ND, AND THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO. 24TH, 25TH, WHATEVER. WE'RE GONNA WORK IT OUT. I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THE 22ND. 22ND, 23RD'S GONNA BE PERFECT. THE 22ND'S PERFECT, ALL RIGHT? MOST LIKELY THE 22ND, OR THE 23RD, EITHER WAY-- 22ND, THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. (STAMMERS) BUT IF IT'S THE 23RD... AH! DONE. THE 22ND. TWO-TWO! (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (BELL RINGING) THANKS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEP RIGHT UP FOR EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE CHARITY, PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE. HEY THERE, GIVE ME A HUG, YOU GORGEOUS LEOPARD. MEOW! WHO'S THE QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE? YOU ARE. LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT. OH, I LIKE IT. COME ON, I LIKE HOW YOU DO IT! ROCK ME WITH SOME PAPER! DIG DEEPER. AND ANOTHER 20. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT IN HERE. TAKE BOTH. TAKE BOTH? MERRY CHRISTMAS. (WHISTLES) HEY, LADY! YOU WANT REAL SALVATION, NO ARMY CAN GIVE IT TO YOU. ONLY THE PEOPLE CAN. BRING YOUR ACTION DOWN HERE. THAT'S IT, BRING IT DOWN HERE. GIVE ME THAT ACTION. WE'RE ONLY HELPING PEOPLE OUT. LET'S DO IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? GIVE ME A SECOND, BUDDY. I'LL DEAL WITH YOU IN A MINUTE. DON'T CROWD MY ACTION. HELP SOME PEOPLE OUT THIS YEAR, FEELS GREAT. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE GREAT. GET OUT OF HERE. I DON'T SEE YOUR PERMIT PAPERS. YOU NEED A PERMIT TO WORK ON THIS STREET. OKAY, I DON'T ANSWER TO YOU, BUDDY. I ANSWER TO THE PEOPLE. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, PLEASE. THE SALVATION ARMY IS MY BUSINESS. WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE? THIS GUY'S WORKING WITHOUT PAPERS. AND HE'S BASHING THE SALVATION ARMY. I'M NOT BASHING THE SALVATION ARMY. HEY, JERMAINE! YOU'RE BASHING! I'M NOT BASHING ANYBODY! DON'T MAKE UP LIES. SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS, CLOWN. PAPERS? WHAT, ARE YOU FROM THE 1950S? I'M ON THE INTERNET. LOOK UP PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, YOU'LL SEE A PICTURE OF ME. STEP INTO THE 21ST CENTURY, DINOSAUR. RIGHT. CALL THE COPS, MAN. DON'T HAVE TO CALL THE COPS. YOU GOT A COP RIGHT THERE! WHERE? RIGHT OVER THERE. GO GRAB-- # BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, THE BIRD'S THE WORD... # HEY! STOP, THIEF! SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS! # WELL, THE BIRD IS THE WORD # CUT HIM OFF! # BIRD, BIRD THE BIRD'S THE WORD WELL, THE BIRD, BIRD... # TAKE HIS LEGS OUT! # DON'T YOU KNOW # # ABOUT THE BIRD WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS # # THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD # GET HIM! (TYRES SCREECH) (HORN HONKS) # WELL, EVERYBODY'S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD # # BIRD, BIRD, BIRD, THE BIRD'S THE WORD # # WELL, THE BIRD, BIRD, BIRD # # THE BIRD'S THE WORD OH, WELL # # THE BIRD, BIRD, BIRD THE BIRD'S THE WORD # # WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD # # WELL, EVERYBODY'S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD # # WELL, THE BIRD, BIRD, BIRD THE BIRD'S THE WORD # # OOH, MOW, MOW PAPA, OOH, MOW, MOW, MOW # # OOH, MOW, MOW PAPA, OOH, MOW, MOW... # OH! (VICIOUS YELL) # WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT # # THE BIRD IS THE WORD # WE GOT HIM! (SANTAS YELLING, GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) COME ON! COME ON! LET'S DANCE! LET'S DANCE! COME ON, HE CAN'T TAKE US ALL. FRED: ONLY ONE MAN'S GONNA WALK AWAY FROM THIS THING, AND I PROMISE YOU, IT'S GONNA BE THE LIGHTNING-QUICK DUDE WITH THE BIG YELLOW THINGS IN HIS HANDS! DIG IT? (SANTAS YELLING) # OOH, MOW, MOW PAPA, OOH, MOW, MOW, PAPA # # OOH, MOW, MOW PAPA, OOH, MOW, MOW, PAPA # # OOH, MOW, MOW, MOW, PAPA # # YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... # MAN: NICE HAT, SANTA. FRED: WANDA, YOU THERE? CAN YOU HEAR ME? IT'S FRED CALLING. (CHUCKLES) KIND OF IMPORTANT THAT YOU PICK UP. ARE YOU AT THE RESTAURANT? (CROWD SHOUTING) (YELLING) (FARTING) (SCREAMS) (MAN FARTING) (SHOUTING FIERCELY) GIVE A CALL WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, OKAY? OKAY, I'LL-- I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON. BYE. YEAH, SHE'S, UH, NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE, SO, UH... WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS. GO AHEAD. MAKE ANOTHER CALL. (GROANS) OH, BOY. NOPE. THERE'S NOT EVEN A HINT OF GREY LEFT. IT'S GONE TOTALLY WHITE. MM. HONEY, YOU THINK I'D LOOK SILLY IF I DYED IT? YOU HAVE A NICE, FULL HEAD OF HAIR, HONEY. IT'S WHITE, THOUGH. PREMATURELY WHITE. OH, NICK, YOU CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS. I AM NOT STRESSED OUT. I JUST GOT A LOT ON MY MIND, IS ALL. HMM. YOU SEEM UPSET. SWEETIE, WE'RE 2 PERCENT BEHIND OUR DELIVERY QUOTA OF LAST YEAR. AND LAST YEAR, WE BARELY MADE IT. WANT COOKIE. COOKIE. CANNOT KEEP EATING YOUR STRESS AWAY. I MEAN, IT'S A BIT ODD THAT THEY'RE CHECKING UP ON ME NOW. UH-- THEY'VE NEVER SENT AN EFFICIENCY EXPERT BEFORE. WHY NOW? (PHONE RINGS) (CLEARS THROAT) (DEEP VOICE) HO, HO, HO! NICK? FRED! OH, NICK. (LAUGHS) HOW'S THINGS THERE, FRED? GOD, IT'S GOOD HEARING YOUR VOICE. HOW HAVE THINGS BEEN WITH YOU? OH, WELL, FINE, FINE. YOU KNOW, BUSINESS IS CRAZY, BUT, UH... YEAH. WE'RE SWELL, WE'RE SWELL. HOW ARE YOU? THAT'S GREAT. I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, NICK, BY THE WAY. THE WHOLE CHRISTMAS THING'S TAKEN OFF. AWESOME. YEAH, IT'S CATCHING ON. YEAH, YEAH. SO, WHAT'S UP, FRED? IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? WELL, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO, UH-- TO SEND ME A GIFT, UH, I GUESS IT WOULD BE OKAY IF YOU SENT $5000 TO THE POLICE STATION ON MICHIGAN AVENUE IN MY NAME. $5000? IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU FELT. I'M FINE, BY THE WAY. UH, I DON'T-- I'M FINE. I'M OKAY-- SO, YOU KNOW-- HOLD ON JUST A SECOND, FRED. HOLD ON. (QUIETLY) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, BUT I KNOW FRED... IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S IN A TOUGH SPOT, SWEETHEART. ANNETTE: IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM, I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT YOU NEED TO PRACTISE TOUGH LOVE, HONEY. YEAH. I'M A SAINT, SWEETHEART. TOUGH LOVE'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT FOR ME. TRY FOR ME, BABY. JU-- (CLEARS THROAT) HEY, FRED? HEY. SO...5 GRAND, MICHIGAN AVENUE POLICE STATION. DONE. MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRED. NICK, THAT IS-- I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, MAN. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING. I'LL GIVE YOU A GIFT THIS YEAR. YEAH, I AM, NI-- I'M GONNA GIVE YOU $10,000 FOR CHRISTMAS IN CASH. MERRY CHRISTMAS. OKAY? HOW'S THAT FEEL? YEAH. (LAUGHS) THAT'S-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND, THOUGH. I'M GIVING YOU 5, FRED, SO... YOU GOT TO BE OPEN TO SOMEONE ELSE TRYING TO GIVE TO YOU. IT FEELS GOOD FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO GIVE. OKAY? YEAH. JUST SEND ME $50,000 ON TOP OF THE 5. OKAY? THEN HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR A MONTH. LET ME GO AHEAD AND BLOW THAT UP INTO 60, OKAY? THEN I'M GONNA GIVE YOU $10,000 OFF THE TOP OF THAT, WITH THE ORIGINAL $50,000 BACK, SO THAT WAY I GAVE YOU $10,000, YOU GAVE ME $5000. I GAVE YOU $5000. MERRY CHRISTMAS. WE-- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND, FRED. $50,000-- WHAT? --ON TOP OF THE 5? WHAT? THAT'S ICING ON THE CAKE. I HAVE A LUCRATIVE MONEY DEAL GOING ON. NICK, DO ME A FAVOUR. DON'T MAKE THIS COMPLICATED. UH-- LET ME GIVE-- I'M IN THE SPIRIT-- LET ONE BROTHER GIVE A BROTHER A GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS. I FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. PLEASE LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, FRED. FINE. LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I WILL PAY THE 5000 FOR YOUR BAIL, OKAY? UH-HUH. BUT I-IF YOU WANT THE REST OF THIS, THEN... YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO COME UP HERE. NO! YES! YOU EARN THAT MONEY! LET'S BE HONEST. I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR ME AND YOU WORK WITH EACH OTHER-- YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'VE NEVER COME UP HERE TO VISIT. NOT EVEN ONCE. WH-- WHAT IS IT--? WHAT WOULD I NEED TO BE DOING UP THERE? UH, UH, SHAVE A FEW REINDEER, SPRINKLE THE DOODADS ON THE COOKIES, PUT THE STARS UP WHERE THE LITTLE GUYS CAN'T REACH 'EM. IT'S EASY. I'D HAVE TO HAVE A HARD OUT BY THE 22ND. OKAY. THAT'S WHEN I HAVE MY LUCRATIVE DEAL HAPPENING. OKAY. 22ND. THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME COMING UP THERE, THEN YOU HAVING MOM AMBUSH ME...? OH, COME ON. I'M NOT GONNA GO RUNNING TO MOM. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU WON'T SEND ME 50 SO I CAN BLOW IT UP INTO 60, AND I CAN GIVE YOU 10... I'M SORRY. I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA PRACTISE TOUGH LOVE ON YOU, BUDDY, ALL RIGHT? AND-- AND I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, THEN I AM SORRY, BUT I CANNOT PAY YOUR BAIL. (DOORBELL BUZZES) WANDA, CAN YOU BUZZ ME IN? IT'S FRED! (DOG BARKS) HEY, SWEETHEART, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME! FREDDIE, GO HOME. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. GO HOME! OKAY, WANDA, I WANTED TO GET A CHANCE TO COME BY AND EXPLAIN. OH, EXPLAIN?! YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN TO ME MY ROMANTIC SURPRISE BIRTHDAY DINNER (?) I WAS WORKING FOR THE PEOPLE HELP PEOPLE CHARITY ORGANISATION. OH! I WAS CHASED BY 30 SANTA CLAUSES! MAN: HEY! SHUT UP DOWN THERE! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP! I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH-- HEY, SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU, PAL! SO GET LOST! HEY, JERRY GARCIA, I'M HAVING A TALK-- SHUT UP! YOU'RE THE WORST! FRED, WILL YOU GO HOME RIGHT THIS MINUTE? WANDA, THERE'S THIS UNFORTUNATE BUSINESS SITUATION. I HAVE TO LEAVE FOR TONIGHT. YOU WHAT?! LOOK, THERE'S A BUSINESS SITUATION THAT I'M IN WITH MY BROTHER. FREDDIE, WHEN WE MET, I SAID, "HAVE YOU GOT A BROTHER OR A SISTER?" AND YOU SAID TO ME, "NO, WANDA, I DON'T!" TECHNICALLY, I HAVE A BRO-- I HAVE THE SAME MOTHER AND FATHER, BUT I NEVER FELT LIKE I HAD A BROTHER... NO, NO! SHUSH! SHUSH! NO, LISTEN TO ME. I AM THROUGH WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP! I'M NOT. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M NOT THROUGH WITH THIS. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I CAN TAKE IT STILL. FREDDIE, I THINK I'M GONNA GO BACK TO LONDON, SO GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR BROTHER. IF HE EVEN EXISTS. GOOD LUCK! IT'LL RAIN ALL THE TIME IN LONDON! YOU WON'T BE HAPPY-- EH! WANDA! 1 FRED, I NEED YOU! NOT NOW. I'M IN A HURRY. PRETEND TO BE MY FATHER. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE'S IN HERE. WHO ARE YOU? I'M THE BOY'S FATHER. WHO ARE YOU? WE'RE WITH CHILD SERVICES, SIR. WE'RE HERE TO REMOVE THIS MINOR FROM AN UNFIT HOME. MAN: ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS, HIS FATHER PASSED AWAY A YEAR AGO. I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT YOUR DAD WAS... ALL RIGHT, COME HERE A SECOND. YOU CAN'T COUNT ON ANYONE, SLAM. YOU GOT TO ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT, RIGHT? YEAH. LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. IF YOU WANT FOR ME TO SING "THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW" ON THE WAY TO THE ORPHANAGE, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME. LET'S GO. (MUFFLED CLATTERING) (ZIPS BAG) (WINDOW SLIDES OPEN) ARE YOU FRED? YEAH. CAN I SEE SOME IDENTIFICATION, PLEASE? WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU, FRED. MY NAME IS WILLY. I'M SANTA'S HEAD ELF. I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN THAT. (CHUCKLES) SO, JUST THE ONE BAG? JUST THE ONE CARRY-ON? THAT'S IT. I'LL GET IT. YOU SURE? YEAH, YEAH, I'M FINE. (LOUD GRUNTING) OKAY. LOOK-- NO, NO. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. OKAY. (GRUNTING) I'LL JUST... I'LL JUST GRAB THIS HERE. YOU KNOW, I-I COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT. IF I HAD HAD ONE MORE LITTLE SHOT AT IT, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN JUST FINE. (FANFARE FROM "NUTCRACKER SUITE" PLAYING) COME ON. (ELECTRONIC BELL DINGS) SO, LISTEN, I'M NOT SO BIG ON ALL THIS FLYING. HYAH! WHOA, OKAY! (THE RONNETTES' "SLEIGH RIDE" PLAYING) # JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING # # RING-TING-A-TINGLING, TOO # # RING-A-LING-A-LING- A-DING-DONG-DING # # COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER # # FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU # # OUTSIDE THE SNOW IS FALLING # # AND FRIENDS ARE CALLING "YOO-HOO"... # WILLY: WE'LL START OUR DESCENT DOWN TO THE NORTH POLE. WE KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE AN OPTION WHEN YOU'RE TRAVELLING TO THE NORTH POLE, BUT WE SURE DO APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS. I REALLY ENJOYED THE CONVERSATION. OKAY, IS THIS GONNA BE A STEEP...? # OUR CHEEKS ARE NICE AND ROSY # # AND COMFY AND COSY ARE WE # # WE'RE SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER # # LIKE TWO BIRDS OF A FEATHER WOULD BE # # RING-A-LING-A-LING- A-DING-DONG-DING # # RING-A-LING-A-LING- A-DING-DONG-DING # # RING-A-LING-A- LING-A-DING... # # DONG-DING # REALLY? THE HOCKEY STOP? YEAH. THERE'S A PASSENGER BACK HERE, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER, ALL-STAR. OH, SORRY. (CHUCKLING) LEAST YOU DIDN'T THROW UP. (CHATTER, LAUGHTER) WATCH YOUR STEP THERE. WELL, HERE IT IS. MAIN STREET, NORTH POLE. PRETTY, ISN'T IT? WORKSHOP'S BEHIND YOU. MR. CLAUS? HI, HELLO. WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE. IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE. I'M CHARLENE, SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER. I AM SORRY TO RUSH YOU, BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP SANTA ON SCHEDULE, BECAUSE WE ARE 439 HOURS, 22 MINUTES AND THREE SECONDS UNTIL C-DAY. CHARLENE'S AS GOOD WITH NUMBERS AS SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU...UM... WILLY. WILLY! THANK YOU...WILLY. SO I'M EXPECTING SANTA IN 26 SECONDS. (VERY DEEP VOICE) BIG RED IS ENTERING ZONE ONE. I REPEAT, BIG RED IS ENTERING ZONE ONE. (SNEEZES) ALLERGIES. HE'S GOT A GUN! OW! OH, NO, NO! OW! AAH! FRED: OW! WHAT'S HAPPENING? OW! OW! STOP IT! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! HO, HO, HO! NO, NO, NO! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS, EASY! OH... (FRED SPITS) OH, FRED. (CHUCKLES) OH. THAT WAS NUTS! OH. WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING HERE, NICK? YOU DON'T HAVE NINJAS JUMP ME WHEN-- WHAT KIND OF GREETING IS THAT? YOU GOT TO EXCUSE THE GUYS, YOU KNOW? IT'S THE MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS, A VERY TENSE TIME. THEY GET JUMPY, YOU KNOW? THEY GOT TO MAKE SURE NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME, ALL RIGHT? MAYBE SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO THEM-- NO, NO, NO. JUST LET IT GO, FRED. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. THEY WON'T DO IT AGAIN. GOT TO PUT THESE GUYS ON A LEASH, NICK. I GOTCHA. I'M ON TOP OF IT, ASAP. OH, HEY. YOU REMEMBER ANNETTE. SAY HEY TO ANNETTE. ANNETTE? ANNETTE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET ALL GUSSIED UP ON MY ACCOUNT. AH, THAT LAST STINT IN JAIL HAS SHARPENED THAT RAPIER WIT OF YOURS. OH, THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. 'CAUSE I'M HERE FOR YOU. I CAN'T DO ENOUGH FOR YOU. REALLY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE HERE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR WELL-MEANING BROTHER AGAIN. HO, HO, HO. HO-KAY. AH, FAMILY'S TOGETHER AGAIN. FUN, FUN, FUN. HEY, FRED. I MEAN, I'VE-- I'VE ALREADY MADE YOUR SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOU. I HAVE PUT YOU WITH WILLY. WELL, HERE WE ARE. OH, UH, WATCH YOUR HEAD THERE. COME ON IN. HERE IT IS. WHAT DO YOU THINK? SMURFY. VERY SMURFY. TO BE HONEST, I DON'T GET MANY HOUSEGUESTS. (CHUCKLES) I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S SLEPT IN THAT TOP BUNK FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. GOOD NIGHT, WILLY. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. GOOD NIGHT, FRED. YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T BE MORE COMFORTABLE DOWN HERE ON THE BOTTOM? I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE, WILLY. OKAY. NIGHT, FRED. GOOD NIGHT. 1 (ELVES LAUGHING IN DISTANCE) WILLY, JUST FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT REALLY A MORNING PERSON. OH, WELL, SANTA DID ASK ME TO GIVE YOU A FULL ORIENTATION OF THE GIFT-GIVING PROCESS, SO, UH, WE'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON HERE. HERE IT IS, FRED: SANTA'S WORKSHOP. (INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) IT ALL STARTS WITH A KID AND A LETTER. ALL OVER THE WORLD, CHILDREN ARE WRITING TO SANTA, ASKING FOR WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS. GIRL: DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS AN ORANGE BICYCLE WITH BANANA HANDLEBARS. WILLY: ALL THE LETTERS COME HERE, TO THE NORTH POLE POST OFFICE, THE BUSIEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (WHOOSH) ONCE THEY'RE SORTED, THE LETTERS COME STRAIGHT TO THE TOY FACTORY. ELF: HEY! ORANGE BICYCLE FOR MOLLY GORDON. WILLY: EACH AND EVERY TOY THAT A CHILD ASKS FOR IS HANDMADE BY THE ELVES. IT'S IMPORTANT TO SANTA THAT EVERY CHILD FEELS TAKEN CARE OF. ONCE BUILT, THE TOYS MAKE THEIR WAY TO PACKAGING. AND FINALLY, THE TOYS ARE STORED UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE, WHEN SANTA DELIVERS THEM. THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. THANK YOU, WILLY. (OVER SPEAKERS) OH, HERE COMES "HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" ON NP-100. # HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS... # YOU'LL LOVE THIS. WE HAVE OUR VERY OWN DJ. # VIXEN AND BLITZEN... # HEY, DONNIE. DJ DONNIE, UM... WELL, WELL, WELL. IT'S THE SAINT WHO PUTS THE CHILL IN THE NORTH POLE! HUH. HEY. HEY, UH, DJ DONNIE. SAY HEY TO MY BIG BROTHER, FREDDIE. YO, BROTHER FRED. CAN I GET A "HO, HO"? NO. OOH. YOU SCROOGE, YOU LOSE. OUR NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENT. THIS IS... THE KEY TO THE WHOLE PROCESS, THE NERVE CENTRE OF THE ENTIRE OPERATION, FRED. YOU HAVE A "TEN MOST NAUGHTY" LIST? OH, YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT NOW, WE GOT, UH, JOHNNY ROLLINS IN NOVA SCOTIA. HE'S OCCUPYING THE NUMBER ONE SPOT. LAST-- LAST MONTH, HE BIT HIS FATHER AND HIS DENTIST. BUT WHY DID HE BITE THEM? WELL, I ASSUME THAT THEY, UH-- THEY GOT THEIR HANDS TOO CLOSE TO HIS MOUTH. OF COURSE, SOMETIMES KIDS ARE BOTH NAUGHTY AND NICE. SO IN THAT CASE, WE DO AN UP-TO-DATE DETERMINATION. HENCE... THE SNOWGLOBE. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS, ALL RIGHT? (CLEARS THROAT) TIMMY JACKSON... NEW YORK CITY. (DEEP WHOOSHING) (TIMMY YELLING) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! (SCREAMING) OH, BOY. OKAY, THAT SEEMS PRETTY CUT-AND-DRIED. ONE MO-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAP-- GOOD MORNING, FRED. HONEY, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE? YOU BETCHA! FRED, YOU JUST STAY THERE. DON'T YOU MOVE AN INCH. I BETTER CHECK UP ON THE ALL-GIRL SWEDISH SWIMMING TEAM. I'M HOPING THEY'RE NAUGHTY. (CHUCKLES) FRED IS REALLY MOTIVATED. HE'S GONNA BE A BIG HELP AROUND HERE. HOW YOU DOING? FRED. BE WORKING WITH YA. THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT ARRIVES IN 15 MINUTES. WE'RE GONNA BE FINE. WE'RE GONNA BE FINE. I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT. GIVE ME A LITTLE SMOOCH. YES, I WILL. MM-HMM. THERE WE GO. ALRIGHTY. LET'S GET YOU TO WORK. NOW, I'M GONNA EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU IN VERY SIMPLE TERMS, OKAY? NOW, SEE THOSE BLUE FILES? UH-HUH. I WANT YOU TO REVIEW THOSE FILES, OKAY? YEAH. IF THE KID STRIKES YOU AS NAUGHTY... BAM! STAMP HIM "NAUGHTY." ALL RIGHT? BUT IF THE KID STRIKES YOU AS NICE... BAM! BAM! YEP. YOU STAMP HIM "NICE." I'M A COG IN A WHEEL. THAT'S WHAT I AM. GOOD. ALL RIGHT. I GOT TO HUSTLE, 'CAUSE I GOT TO MEET SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW, OKAY? AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN'S ON DECK. REST ASSURED, MY MAN. MAIL DELIVERY! THE SHIP'S GETTING STEERED SAFELY, MY MAN. NICK: ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. GREAT, SO THIS IS IT? (CHUCKLES) YEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S JUST BETHESDA, MARYLAND. DJ DONNIE ON PA: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. OH, MY GOODNESS, IT'S "HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS"! # HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS # # RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE... # (CHOPPER WHIRRING) YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TRAVEL BY HELICOPTER, MR. NORTHCUTT. I WOULD HAVE HAPPILY SENT THE SLEIGH. I DESPISE REINDEER. OH. OH. UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SETTLE IN? WE HAVE YOUR ROOM READY. OH. YOU COULD TAKE A-- A LITTLE NAP. I DON'T NAP. OH. AH... OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE DANDY. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE CHART LABELLED 116-9C, THE AVERAGE SIZE OF A CHILD'S WISH LIST HAS GROWN SUBSTANTIALLY IN THE LAST 200 YEARS. IN THE 1800S, FOR EXAMPLE, CHILDREN RARELY ASKED FOR MORE THAN ONE ITEM, AND USUALLY THESE ITEMS WERE OF AN INTANGIBLE NATURE ` SOMETHING LIKE A FAMILY MEMBER'S HEALTH OR THE END OF WAR OR FAMINE. HA-HA. I REMEMBER THAT. TRY FITTING THAT DOWN THE CHIMNEY, HUH? (CLAUSES CHUCKLING) CHART 345-11B SHOWS THAT TODAY, THE AVERAGE CHILD ASKS FOR 15 GIFTS PER LETTER. GROWING DEMANDS AND INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED TOY-MAKING ARE PUTTING YOUR OPERATION FURTHER BEHIND EACH YEAR. IT'S SIMPLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MR. CLAUS. WELL, NOW, WE ARE NOT HERE TO GIVE EVERY CHILD EVERY TOY THAT THEY WANT. MR. NORTHCUTT, PART OF CHRISTMAS IS BEING GRATEFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT WE CAN HAVE. YES, WELL, IF IT WERE ONLY THAT SIMPLE. (CHUCKLES) ONLY IT'S NOT? NO. SADLY. YOU SEE, THE BOARD IS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING... SHUTTING YOU DOWN. WHAT?! WH-- THAT'S NOT FAIR! SHUTTING US DOWN?! STREAMLINING, CONSOLIDATING, OUTSOURCING. AN ENTIRELY NEW OPERATION BASED AT-- AND I KNOW THIS IS GONNA BE TOUGH FOR YOU TO HEAR-- BASED AT THE SOUTH POLE. OH, THAT... (GASPS) BUT IT'S NOT JUST YOU. WE'RE PUTTING THE TOOTH FAIRY ON A ONE CHILD/ONE TOOTH SYSTEM. LOOK, YOU LOSE YOUR FIRST TOOTH, FINE, GET A BUCK, PUT IT UNDER THE PILLOW, BUT THEN GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I MEAN, IT'S GETTING A BIT... DON'T YOU THINK? OH, AND ALSO, UM, WE'RE GONNA DUMP THE EASTER BUNNY. IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE ANYMORE. I MEAN, EASTER AND BUNNIES AND EGGS, AND ALL THAT. IT JUST... WHERE'S THE SYNERGY? DON'T GET IT. NOW, LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ITEM ON THE LIST, SHALL WE? HOW MUCH ARE YOU ACTUALLY FEEDING THOSE ELVES? WANDA BLINKOWSKI. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS. (WHOOSHING) IS THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL? YEAH. THAT'S MY GIRL THERE. MAN: NO, NO, NO. I TOTALLY SPACED OUT. LOOK, I GOT-- I GOT A QUARTER RIGHT HERE. WANDA: YEAH, WELL, I'M SORRY, DARLING, BUT YOU'RE TWO MINUTES TOO LATE. REALLY? YEAH, REALLY. THAT MUST MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, HAVING PEOPLE ARGUE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT THE FAVOURITE PART OF MY JOB. HOW ABOUT I MAKE IT UP TO YOU? LET ME TAKE YOU TO DINNER. GO TO DINNER WITH YOU? CONSIDER IT A MEAL AND SPARKLING CONVERSATION. NO, I CAN'T. THANK YOU, BUT I CAN'T. IT'S ALWAYS, UH, PAINFUL TO WATCH A GUY CRASH AND BURN, MY MAN. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? UM... NO. NO, ACTUALLY, I DON'T. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING. WHAT DO YOU SAY? WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU... A TICKET. AND I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD. OKAY. NICE TO MEET YOU. THIS IS MAYBE THE BEST TICKET I EVER GOT. (LAUGHS) YOU GOT TO PAY IT WITHIN 30 DAYS. YOU KNOW THAT. MAN: I'LL SEE YOU BEFORE THEN, RIGHT? # HE'S GOT A BAG THAT IS FILLED WITH TOYS # # FOR THE BOYS AND GIRLS AGAIN # # HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE-JANGLE # # WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT # EL PASO. GREAT. DJ DONNIE: YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS! ANOTHER REQUEST FOR "HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS." THIS TIME FROM BETH IN ACCOUNTING. HERE YOU GO, BETH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THE "SANTA CLAUS" AGAIN? HEY, DJ! DJ DONNIE! WHAT UP, FRED? YOU GOTTA STOP PLAYING THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT BECOMES LIKE MENTAL TORTURE. BUT FRED, IT'S SO CATCHY. (THUD, SPRING BOINGING) GOD--! OKAY, DONNIE, IT'S ONE SONG THAT'S BEING PLAYED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. AND THE ONLY THING THAT BREAKS THAT UP IS YOU SCREAMING AND ANNOUNCING IT'S THE SAME SONG. IT WOULD BE A NICE GESTURE ON YOUR PART TO PLAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I SAID NO! DONNIE, CHANGE THE SONG. NO! CHANGE THE SONG! NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA CHANGE THE SONG, THEN, FOR YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GETTING PHYSICAL WITH ME FOR? MUSIC'S ABOUT LOVE. DON'T GET PHYSICAL WITH ME. COME ON, WE'RE TRYING TO SHARE AROUND HERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP IT. WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA DO IT TO ME? (SQUEALS) DONNIE. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE AN UNTRAINED DOG. WILL YOU STOP IT? COME ON, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. TAKE A BREATH. RELAX. STOP SWINGING AT ME. WILL YOU CALM DOWN? YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA SUPERNANNY YOU. I'LL PUT YOU IN THE NAUGHTY CABINET. YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOURSELF. LISTEN TO ME. CALM IT DOWN AND RELAX. STOP IT! USE YOUR WORDS. USE YOUR WORDS. (GRUNTING) I'LL LET YOU OUT ONCE YOU REALISE YOU'RE SORRY AND YOU'RE READY TO TURN A CORNER AND BE A TEAM PLAYER. (POUNDING) DON'T DO IT! PUT MY ELF FOOT UP YOUR BUTT! I'M FROM THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE NORTH POLE, MAN! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I HEAR YOU. LET ME OUT! LET'S HEAT IT UP. HEAT IT UP! (GASPING) LET'S LOOSEN IT UP IN HERE. GOT THE SAME THING PLAYING ALL THE TIME. LET'S LIVEN IT UP! GET DANCING. LET'S GET OUR BLOOD PUMPING. LET'S MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS WITH EACH OTHER. COME ON! STOP LOOKING SHY, BABY. LIGHT IT UP. OH, MY GOODNESS. # STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN, BABY # # THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY # # YES, IT IS NOW # IT SOUNDS ANGRY. I KNOW. I LIKE IT. BRING IT IN. # STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN, BABY # # THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY # COME UP HERE? # YES, IT IS NOW # # IT'S CALLED RUBBERNECKIN', BABY # (ALL CHEERING) # BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME # # YES, IT IS # # THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING # # LAST THING AT NIGHT # # I LOOK, STARE EVERYWHERE # # AND I SEE EVERYTHING IN SIGHT # # HEY, HEY, HEY # # STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN, BABY # # THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY # # YES, IT IS NOW # # IT'S CALLED RUBBERNECKIN', BABY # # THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME # # HEY, HEY, HEY, STOP! # YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE AT THE NORTH POLE WILL ALL BE DECIDED ON A SIMPLE THREE-STRIKE POLICY. IF YOU MAKE IT THROUGH CHRISTMAS WITHOUT THREE STRIKES, I'M REQUIRED TO SEND A POSITIVE REPORT. IF HOWEVER, YOU DO GET THREE STRIKES, THIS ENTIRE OPERATION WILL BE SHUT DOWN PERMANENTLY. OH, AND ONE MORE THING. UH-HUH. ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS TO KNOW WHY I'M HERE. ESPECIALLY THE ELVES. (HEAVY SIGH) OF COURSE. MR. NORTHCUTT, THE ELVES ARE EXTREMELY DEDICATED AND HARDWORKING. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THEY WILL IMPRESS YOU, SIR. HO, HO-- HOLY COW. # BABY, BABY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME # # HEY, HEY, HEY... # (CLATTERING) # BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME HEY, HEY... # (CHEERING) # STOP... # (LAUGHTER) (PEOPLE YELL) (WHISTLING) (MUSIC, CHEERING STOP) (THUDS, GROANS) # HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS # # RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE VIXEN AND BLITZEN AND... # STOP THAT. STOP. (NEEDLE SCRATCHES ON RECORD) ANNETTE: EVERYONE. THIS... IS MR. NORTHCUTT. HE'LL BE WITH US THROUGH CHRISTMAS. PLEASE MAKE HIM WELCOME AND LET HIM OBSERVE. BACK TO WORK. (MUTTERING) THEY HAVE NEVER BEHAVED LIKE THAT BEFORE. I ASSURE YOU. NO ELF DISCIPLINE. SHOWING A COMPLETE LACK OF CONTROL OVER YOUR ENTIRE WORKFORCE. NO. THAT'S A BIGGIE. IT'S DISAPPOINTING, AND THAT WOULD BE STRIKE ONE. (WHIMPERS) I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME. NICK: OH, THAT'S FRED. THAT'S MY OLDER BROTHER. HE'S JUST HELPING OUT FOR THE SEASON. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A BROTHER. MR. NORTHCUTT, UM... I SHOULD HAVE SOMEONE SHOW YOU AROUND. YEAH. UH, WILLY? NICK: TAKE A TOUR THERE, MR. NORTHCUTT. HO, HO, HO, HO, HO. FRED. WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? NICK, LET ME BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU HERE. DJ IS A REAL PROBLEM. FREDDIE, HE'S-- HE'S AN ELF THAT PLAYS RECORDS. NICK, HE CONTINUED TO PLAY THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. GOTCHA. HE THEN DECIDED TO LAY HIS HANDS ON ME AND GET PHYSICAL, AND TRIED TO PHYSICALLY HURT ME, NICK. (SIGHS) OKAY? NOW I HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE IN THAT MOMENT. DO I WANT TO TRY TO GET PHYSICAL WITH HIM? DO I WANT TO POUND THIS ELF'S HEAD IN? AND THE ANSWER TO THAT IS NO. BUT I DO WANT HIM TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOT TO BE RESPECTED WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO DO YOUR WORK. SHH. JUST LOWER YOUR VOICE. KEEP IT DOWN. AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, IF YOU DECIDE TO PUNISH HIM, I'M NOT GONNA BE MAD AT YOU. OH, NO, I'M NOT. I WON'T BE UPSET ABOUT IT. IF YOU WANT TO BRING THE HAMMER DOWN UPON HIS LITTLE DJ HANDS, DO IT, DUDE. OKAY. THAT'S A THOUGHT. AND I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA SIT ON THAT AND LET IT BOIL, OKAY? BUT-- BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU (QUIETLY) IS THE ELVES HAVE GOTTA STAY SHARP RIGHT NOW. VERY IMPORTANT, OKAY? WE CAN'T HAVE ANY TYPE OF PROBLEMS ANYMORE, OKAY? I GET IT. WE'RE JUST TWO BROTHERS TALKING RIGHT NOW. UH-HUH. AND I'M TOTALLY UNDERSTANDING WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM. THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS. THAT'S WHAT COUNTS. NOW THAT YOU SAID THAT TO ME, IT'S WON'T HAPPEN ANYMORE. FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS. YOU-- NO, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. LOVE, KINDNESS. IT'S COMING OFF OF YOU LIKE... LIKE RADIATION OR SOMETHING. NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE GONNA STAY AT YOUR STATION. RIGHT. SMOOTH SAILING, RIGHT? THE SMOOTHEST SAILING. 1 FREDDIE, I AM SO GLAD YOU TOOK MY INVITATION FOR DINNER TONIGHT. I'M EXCITED WE CAN HANG OUT AS BROTHERS WITHOUT THE BUSINESS STUFF. BREAK BREAD, RIGHT? ABSOLUTELY. I WANT ONE. UM... NICK? OH, BOY. NICK? WHAT? NICK! WHAT? NICK, COME OVER HERE. OKAY, OKAY. WHAT THE HELL IS MOM DOING IN THE HOUSE HERE, HUH? I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME. DOES SHE KNOW I'M HERE? YOU KNOW, CALL ME CRAZY, BUT MY MOM COMES AND VISITS ME FOR THE HOLIDAYS EVERY YEAR, OKAY? BUT I'M NOT GOING IN THERE, NICK, BECAUSE I DON'T VISIT MOM FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AND FOR GOOD REASON. IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE IF, FOR ONCE, THINGS WERE NICE AND CALM, AND YOU JUST DROPPED BY FOR DINNER. THIS ISN'T DEBATABLE. I'M NOT GOING. COME ON. HO, HO, HO. I'M WON'T LISTEN TO NO. GUESS WHAT? HERE'S A BOOK. IT'S CALLED, "DOES FRED GO TO DINNER?" YOU OPEN IT, FLIP THROUGH THE PAGES. LAST PAGE-- FRED DOES NOT GO. THE END. AND THAT'S IT. THE SEQUEL, IT'S IN STORES NOW. YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED? "DING-DONG. WHO'S THERE? WHY, IT'S FRED." I'M NOT GOING. PUMPKIN PIE. COME ON! GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. FRED. FRED. I AM NOT GOING TO DINNER. (BELL DINGS) (CHUCKLES) (GASPS) OH. HELLO. I HOPE I'M NOT INTRUDING, BUT I RAN INTO YOUR PARENTS, AND THEY INVITED ME TO DINNER. OH. OH, NO, NO, YEAH. WELCOME, WELCOME. # OH, THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL... # MM. HERE WE ARE. SO, FREDERICK... HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? OH, I'VE BEEN GOOD, MA. I'VE BEEN REAL GOOD. THAT'S NICE. OH. I'LL TELL YOU, FRED HAS BEEN DOING A BANG-UP JOB DOWN IN THE NAUGHTY-NICE DEPARTMENTS. HO-HO! I WOULDN'T SAY I'VE BEEN DOING A BANG-UP JOB. I HAD SOME COMPLICATIONS AND HIT A COUPLE ROUGH SPOTS, BUT I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN UNDER THE CIRCUM-- NICK: OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU ARE PROVING TO BE ONE VERY HARD WORKER. MOTHER: WELL, I WOULD IMAGINE HE'S PROBABLY A VERY HARD WORKER, CONSIDERING. FRED: CONSIDERING WHAT? CONSIDERING THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME TO COME TO OUR ANNIVERSARY PARTY. YOUR BROTHER GAVE US QUITE A SHINDIG. FRED SENT A LOVELY GIFT, THOUGH. COME ON, NOW, THAT MASSAGE CHAIR-- THAT LOOKED VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE. YES, I'M SURE IT WAS. # BUT AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME SO... # WHAT'S-- WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S HAPPENING? NOTHING. NOTHING'S HAPPENING. OKAY. (LAUGHS) (THUMPS) OH, YOU'RE OUT. I EVEN ENJOYED THE CARD THAT CAME WITH IT. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WROTE ON THE CARD, FREDERICK? UM, LET'S SEE. WAS IT SOMETHING LIKE, UH... "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR MEAL"? HO, HO, HO! (FORCED LAUGHTER) OH, NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY. HAVE SOME GRAVY, DARLING. THE POTATOES ARE AWFULLY DRY. PHYLLIS, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT, BECAUSE NICHOLAS NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT. (MUTTERS) MOTHER: HE'S PERFECT! YOU'RE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO CAN FLY AROUND THE WORLD IN A SINGLE NIGHT! OH. MOTHER. THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE. OKAY, MOM. YOU KNOW, I CAN NEVER GET OVER THAT, NICHOLAS. I JUST-- YOU AMAZE ME. ISN'T IT AMAZING? I THINK IT IS. I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I MEAN, TO THINK THAT HE CAN FLY AROUND TO A MILLION HOUSES IN ONE NIGHT, BREAKING AND ENTERING, STARING AT CHILDREN WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING, STEAL ALL THE FOOD, EAT THE COOKIES. IT'S A PHENOMENAL OCCURRENCE, AND I GET JACKED OUT OF MY MIND JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE LAWS BEING BROKEN. DON'T YOU GUYS FEEL IT? MOTHER: FREDERICK... WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET? OH, COME ON, MOM. D-DON'T-- (SIGHS) I JUST WISH YOU WERE A LITTLE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER, THAT'S ALL. GREAT. OKAY. I JUST HAVE A FEELING I'D BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE BACK IN MY LITTLE SMURF HUT WITH, UH, SOME HOT POCKETS AND A MILKSHAKE. FREDDIE. COME ON. DON'T BE LIKE THAT. FRED! MOTHER: OH. (DOOR SHUTS) I JUST LOVE MEETING PEOPLE'S FAMILIES. FIND IT SO... REVEALING. # I WANT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS... # (ELVES CACKLING) ELF: NIGHT, FROSTY! SEE YOU TOMORROW. # I WANT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS # (BELL DINGS, DOOR CLOSES) FRED! HEY, TERRIFIC! COME ON IN, MY FRIEND. HOW ARE YOU, WILLY? I'M GREAT. PULL UP A STOOL. HEY, EGGNOG FOR FRED, FROSTY. SURE, WILLY. THEY'RE ON THE WAY. MAKE IT A DOUBLE. THANK YOU. HEY, FRED. (SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) CHARLENE. YEAH. (LAUGHS) YOU KNOW, YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE, UH, AFTER WORK AND I-- I DON'T EVEN RECOGNISE THEM. THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OF COURSE, CHARLENE." YOU KNOW? YEP. (LAUGHING) UH, GOOD NIGHT, FRED. GOOD NIGHT, CHARLENE. GOOD NIGHT, UH... WILLY. WILLY. FRED... I DON'T... (DOOR CLOSES) I DON'T... I DON'T UNDERSTAND, FRED. SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER MY NAME?! WHAT IS IT, FRED? IS IT...? IT'S ME, ISN'T IT? YOU CAN TELL ME, FRED, IT'S OKAY. 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND. IT'S JUST THAT SHE-- IT'S ME-- SHE THINKS I'M A FREAK. (SIGHS) I LOVE HER. I LOVE HER. UH, WILLY, NOW LOOK. YOU LOVE TO LAUGH. YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN TO BE AROUND. FRED. I CAN'T EVEN TELL A JOKE. ALWAYS SAY THE LAST LINE FIRST. I'M AFRAID EVERYONE'S GONNA STOP LISTENING. THIS THING IS VERY EASY. LET HER KNOW THAT YOU'RE READY FOR FUN, AND YOU ARE NOT GONNA APOLOGISE FOR IT. (ZIPS PANTS) YOU KNOW, AT LAST YEAR'S AFTER-CHRISTMAS PARTY, I ALMOST ASKED HER TO DANCE. THEN I REMEMBERED I CAN'T DANCE. (SCOFFS) YET. WHAT? CAN'T DANCE YET. (THE ROLLING STONES' "BEAST OF BURDEN" PLAYING ON JUKEBOX) FRED. I FEEL RIDICULOUS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE. I DON'T KNOW THE...STEPS. (SNAPS) THIS IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME. COME ON. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD FOR A SECOND AND GET INTO YOUR BO-DAY! OKAY. SEE, I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT. THAT, I-- I CAN'T ACTUALLY DO THAT. ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE NO LONGER TALKING WITH THIS. WE'RE-- BRING IT. BRING IT RIGHT NOW. BRING ALL THAT GREEN GOODNESS THAT YOU HAVE ON AND BRING IT UP ON ME. COME ON. THIS BEAUTIFUL GREEN ANGEL. NOW PUT ONE HAND HERE. GREAT. PUT ANOTHER HAND HERE. COME ON, GRIP IT. DON'T BE SHY. ALL WE'RE GONNA DO IS A BIT OF THE BABY SWAY HERE. THAT'S IT. JUST A GENTLE ROCK BACK AND FORTH. JUST EASY. NOW, YOU'VE GOT SHORT ARMS, WHICH IS A GOOD THING, 'CAUSE IT MEANS YOU GOTTA GET CLOSE, RIGHT? SO, GO AHEAD, PULL THIS BIG TUGBOAT TO SHORE. ANCHORS AWAY. THAT'S IT. OKAY, NOW THE NEXT THING YOU DO IS PUT YOUR HAND ON MY BACK. THAT-- THAT'S NOT MY BACK, BUT IT IS A LITTLE BIT NAUGHTY. I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE HEADED, BUT FOR THESE PURPOSES, LET'S JUST KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? FRED. NOW REMEMBER, WILLY, DANCING IS NOT ABOUT DANCING, RIGHT? IT'S ABOUT CONNECTING. NOW, LOOK ME IN THE EYE. THAT'S GREAT. NOW, IF I WAS A GIRL, I'D GET GOOSE BUMPS WITH WHAT YOU JUST BROUGHT TO ME. THE OTHER GREAT THING ABOUT DANCING IS IT'S THE PERFECT BRIDGE TO A KISS. SO, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS HAVE FUN, LET ME KNOW I CAN HAVE FUN, AND THEN WHEN THE TIME'S RIGHT, THAT'S WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR MOVE. GET MY BLOOD PUMPING. START TO FEEL IT. GET YOUR BLOOD PUMPING! LET'S GET EXCITED. LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN. COME ON, BIG GUY. TURN AROUND AND SHOW ME WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW. THAT'S IT. OKAY. THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT. KEEP MOVING IT, BABY. THAT'S IT. KEEP IT ROLLING. THERE'S NO RULES. I LIKE IT. YOU'RE MAKING IT HAPPEN. YOU'RE DANCING. IT'S OKAY. AND IT'S NOT OKAY, AND IT'S OKAY. # AM I HARD ENOUGH? # # AM I ROUGH ENOUGH? # # AM I RICH ENOUGH? # # I'M NOT TOO BLIND TO SEE... # FEEL IT. STAY WITH IT. WIND IT UP. I LIKE IT. HEAT IT UP, WORK IT HARDER. STAY WITH IT, BROTHER. # I'LL NEVER BE... # (MUSIC STOPS) (GASPS) OH, I FORGOT MY GLOVES. (QUIETLY) IT'S OKAY. JUST GET UP CALMLY. FRED: THAT'S ALL RIGHT THERE, W-- WILLY! (BELL JANGLES, DOOR CLOSES) (CREAKS) SO YOU FELL DOWN. BIG DEAL. FRED, NOT EVERYBODY FALLS DOWN ON HIS FACE IN FRONT OF THE GIRL HE LOVES. IT LOOKED LIKE-- TOTAL IDIOT OUT THERE. I-- HOW AM I EVER GONNA BE SEEN IN PUBLIC AGAIN? IT'S RIDICULOUS. THANK GOODNESS BLITZEN DIDN'T FEEL THAT WAY THE FIRST TIME HE LEARNED HOW TO FLY. WHEN BLITZEN LEARNED TO F--? WHY DON'T I KNOW THIS STORY? OH, COME OFF IT, WILLY. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS STORY. WHEN BLITZEN LEARNED TO FLY? HE FELL ON HIS FACE. HE DID? HE TRIED TO TAKE A RUNNING START. HE'D RUN AND HE'D FALL ON HIS FACE. BUT HE PICKED HIMSELF UP, AND HE'D KEEP TRYING. AND EVENTUALLY, HE STOPPED THINKING. AND HE FLEW. IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE. (SIGHS) FRED, COME ON. IT'S TRUE. I'M NOT BLITZEN, THOUGH. I'M NO BLITZEN. WELL, I DISAGREE WITH YOU, WILLY. I KNOW YOU GOT MORE BLITZEN IN YOU THAN YOU REALISE. LOVE IS SO COMPLICATED. YEAH, IT CAN BE. IT HURTS. I'M PROUD OF YOU, WILLY. NOW, GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, FRED. 1 NORTHCUTT: # DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY # # FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA # # 'TIS THE SEASON... # OH, FRED. OH, WHERE, OH, WHERE DID ALL THE KIDS' LETTERS GO? # FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA... # (PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRING) (HUMMING) OH. ISN'T THAT SWEET? LUCY WANTS A COOKING SET. WELL, HERE'S HOW YOU MAKE PASTA, DARLING. (SHREDDER WHIRRING) THERE'S A START. # DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH # AW. LITTLE KEENAN ADAMS WANTS A BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS. WELL, KEENAN, I GUESS YOU'LL BE TAKING THE BUS TO SCHOOL FROM NOW ON. OH, FREDDIE, FREDDIE, YOU HAVE BEEN SO VERY, VERY NAUGHTY. I DIDN'T TAKE ANY OF THE FILES OUT OF THE ROOM. I NEVER GOT TO THE S'S. FRED, I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU HOW VERY, VERY IMPORTANT THAT THESE FILES ARE. WITHOUT THEM, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE CHILDREN WANT, OR WHETHER THEY'VE BEEN MARKED "NAUGHTY" OR "NICE." AND IT WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, OF COURSE, TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM. I JUST TOLD YOU, I-- I WOULD KNOW IF I TOOK-- I DIDN'T TAKE ANY-- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? AND WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE JUDGING ME WITH YOUR ARMS FOLDED? I-- I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. I-I'M NERVOUS. YEAH, I'D BE NERVOUS, TOO, IF I WAS UP TO NO GOOD. DOTH WHO PROTEST THE MOST PUTTING IT ON SOMEONE ELSE. YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? OKAY. COME ON, NOW... I GOT MY EYE ON YOU, BOB. OH, YEAH? ANYTIME, BIG FELLA. BOB. BOB, SETTLE DOWN. IF YOU WANT TO TALK LIKE AN ELF, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ACT LIKE AN ELF. YEAH. I'M EASY TO FIND. YEAH, BIG TALK. GOT A BIGGER REACH THAN YOU, BOB. TROUBLE? NO. NO, NO. NO?! NOBODY IN WISCONSIN'S GONNA GET ANY GIFTS THIS YEAR! (FRUSTRATED YELL) OH, MY, MY. THOSE POOR CHILDREN. (NICK STAMMERS) YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BACKUP RECORDS? WELL, WE'VE NEVER HAD SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN. BUT I'M SURE THAT THEY'LL TURN UP. I MEAN, AFTER ALL, WHERE COULD THEY HAVE POSSIBLY GONE? FAILURE TO ADMINISTRATE BACKUP RECORDS. THAT WOULD BE STRIKE TWO. TSK. I DON'T... LOOK, THIS IS PROBABLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS, BUT I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT FRED. YEAH, OH, WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, MR. NORTHCUTT, BUT HE IS FINE. IT'S JUST THAT I'VE SEEN THESE KIND OF THINGS BEFORE. THE LITTLE LIES, FLASHES OF ANGER... OH, I-- I CAN ASSURE YOU, HE'S... HE'S FINE. WELL, BUT IT COULD GET SO MUCH WORSE, SANTA. TELL ME, HAS HE ASKED FOR LARGE SUMS OF MONEY RECENTLY? AND...WHAT ABOUT... TROUBLE? HAS HE GOTTEN INTO TROUBLE WITH THE LAW? WHY, YES, MR. NORTHCUTT. YES, HE HAS. OF COURSE. HE IS CRYING OUT FOR HELP, AND IF SOMEONE DOESN'T STEP IN AND HELP HIM, WHY, I'M... I'M AFRAID IT'S GONNA GET UGLY. WELL, WHAT CAN I DO, MR. NORTHCUTT? I DID HAVE A THOUGHT. BUT FRED'S NOT GOING TO LIKE IT. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU DUDES THROWING? AIRMAIL IT! AIRMAIL IT TO ME RIGHT NOW! LET'S GET JACKED UP! (LOUD CLATTERING, GLASS BREAKING, FRED YELLING) (CLATTERING, YELLING CONTINUE) (MUFFLED SHOUTING) (GRUNTS) (MUFFLED GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS? I FEEL LIKE PATTY HEARST. I WAS JUST ABDUCTED, NICK! YOU HAVE TO PAY SOME KIND OF FINANCIAL THING TO MAKE UP FOR THE KIND OF HURT THAT I HAVE INSIDE OF ME. AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE CHEAP. I GOT A LAWYER THAT'S GOT A LOT OF VOWELS IN HIS LAST NAME, NICK, AND HE'S GONNA CONTACT YOU. AND HE'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL THE HURT THAT I FEEL FROM YOUR HANDLERS! FREDERICK! WE'RE HAVING A FAMILY INTERVENTION. YOUR BEHAVIOUR HAS BEEN UNACCEPTABLE! WANDA, HI. HI. YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M DOING TERRIFIC. I'M DOING GREAT. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN ALL RIGHT. YEAH, I'VE BEEN, UH, WORKING, AND... THAT'S AWESOME. 'CAUSE WORK IS REALLY GOOD FOR SOMEONE TO DO WHEN THEY'RE DOING STUFF. I'VE BEEN WORKING A LOT, TOO, BY THE WAY. UM, AND ALSO FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. BUT, UM... MY-- MY BROTHER IS SANTA CLAUS. WANDA: YEAH. YEAH, I CAN... I CAN SEE THAT. IT'S A LITTLE... DIFFERENT. UM... YEAH, THE WHOLE THING'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT UNUSUAL. MOTHER: FRED, YOUR BROTHER HAS FLOWN SOMEONE IN WE THINK CAN HELP YOU. THIS IS DR. GOLDFARB. HELLO. YOUR ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR IS PUTTING TOO MUCH STRESS ON YOUR BROTHER. MOM, FOR PETE'S SAKE, OKAY. I'M NOT... STRESSED OUT ABOUT IT. NICK, YOU'RE FALLING APART. AND I'M NOT FALLING APART... YES, YOU ARE. ...SWEETHEART. YOU'RE DANGEROUSLY OVERWEIGHT. HE IS NOT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR SON IS GOING THROUGH. OKAY. HE IS A TERRIBLE CLOSET EATER. HE HAS DEVELOPED ACID REFLUX AND SLEEP APNOEA. I SNORE. IT IS KEEPING HIM UP ALL NIGHT... I MEAN, PEOPLE SNORE. ...AND IT'S AFFECTING HIS HEALTH. NOT TO MENTION OTHER ASPECTS OF OUR MARRIAGE. OH, HO, HO, ANNETTE. SANTA'S HAVING A TOUGH TIME GETTING THE SLEIGH OFF THE GROUND, HUH? # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS... # OH, PLEASE. LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE. IT'S VERY SIMPLE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME THING WITH YOU, FRED. YOU CAUSE PROBLEMS. NICK: SWEETIE... AND THEN YOU-- YOU MAKE EXCUSES, LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE "LOOKING OUT" FOR SOMEONE ELSE. MOTHER: EVER SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER. FREDDIE, THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. THAT'S GREAT. WANDA, DO ME A FAVOUR. WHY DON'T YOU STAY OUT OF THIS? I CAME FOR THE INTERVENTION. THEY ASKED ME. DON'T YOU HAVE A DATE WITH AN OLDER GUY WITH NICE HAIR WHO FORGOT TO PLUG HIS METER IN? HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME? YES, I HAVE. HAVE YOU GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO? I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M SEEING. IF YOU'D BEEN SPYING ON ME PROPERLY, YOU'D KNOW I DIDN'T END UP GOING OUT WITH HIM. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. YEAH, LET ME JUST SAY THIS. IT IS NOT FLATTERING ON YOUR CHARACTER TO SEE YOU WITH A MAN WHO'S GOT LIVER-SPOTTED HANDS. OH, WHAT-- IT'S A VERY WEAK CHOICE. IT MAKES YOU LOOK WEAK. LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, FREDDIE. YOU WON'T LET ANYBODY LOVE YOU, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH LOVING. IF IT PLEASES THE COURT, DID YOU HAVE AN OLDER GENTLEMAN ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE, YES OR NO? YES, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THAT'S IT! I DIDN'T SEE HIM AGAIN! THEN SHE'S A DATER! YOU PUSH AND FIX ON ONE THING. THEN STOP DATING. PUT DOWN THE PHONE. THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! EXCUSE ME, MR. SANTA CLAUS. IT'S BEEN VERY PLEASANT... NICK. ...TO, UM, COME TO THE NORTH POLE. AND...YEAH. FRED: GO FIND A DATE. MAYBE GET LUCKY WITH AN ELF ON THE WAY OUT. GOOD LUCK. HOPE IT GOES WELL FOR YOU. YEAH. WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF MISTLETOE OUT THERE, SO YOU SHOULD BE PSYCHED. FRED. (DOOR CLOSES) I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME REAL PROGRESS HERE. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE GOOD NEWS IS ABOUT ALL OF THIS, IS TOMORROW'S MY LAST DAY. WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THERAPY. THERAPY'S FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES. WE DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM. I'M GONNA FINISH MY JOB. I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR LIVES FOREVER. (GROANS) (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. 1 NICE NIGHT. GET LOST, GUY. SANTA CLAUS'S BROTHER. THAT MUST BE A TOUGH BEAT. I GOT A BROTHER WHO'S A DOCTOR, AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT. I MEAN, HALF THE TIME I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST. AND THE WAY YOUR WHOLE FAMILY TREATS YOU. WHAT'S YOUR STORY, MAN? EXCUSE ME? LOOK, WHATEVER YOU'RE TRYING TO DO WITH ME HERE IS NOT GONNA WORK. WELL...WHAT EXACTLY AM I TRYING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE INTO, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING REAL KIND OF CREEPY ABOUT YOU. ALL I KNOW IS EVER SINCE YOU GOT HERE, MY BROTHER'S BEEN GETTING A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS AND ACTING A LITTLE JUMPY. THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT IS WONDERFUL? THAT YOU TAKE SUCH AN INTEREST IN YOUR BROTHER'S WELL-BEING. WELL, I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU DO. I'M SURE HE DOES THE SAME FOR YOU. LOOK, CLYDE... YOU EVER SEEN A TREE THAT GROWS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER TREE? IT'S ALL PUNY AND MISSHAPEN, 'CAUSE IT'S JUST BENDING AND TWISTING, TRYING SO DESPERATELY TO GET SOME SUNLIGHT. IF SOMEBODY HAD JUST CUT OFF A FEW FEET OF THAT BIG TREE, THAT LITTLE TREE COULD'VE GROWN UP STRONG. BUT NO, THAT'S NOT THE WAY LIFE WORKS, RIGHT? I MEAN, THEY ALL LOVE THAT BIG TREE, RIGHT? THEY'RE ALL PROUD OF THAT ONE. THEY HATE THE CRAP OUT OF THE LITTLE ONE NEXT TO IT. THE LITTLE TREE THAT REFUSES TO GROW RIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, TILL SOMEBODY COMES ALONG AND CUTS DOWN THAT BIG TREE, THAT LITTLE TREE IS NEVER GONNA GET ANY LIGHT. ANY LIGHT. I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. UH-- CHRISTMAS. HAVE A NICE NIGHT. (BELL CLANGS THREE TIMES) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? OH. LOOKS LIKE A NEW KID JUST TOOK OVER THE NUMBER ONE MOST NAUGHTY SPOT. (BELL DINGS) SLAM? SAMUEL GIBBONS, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS. (WHOOSHING) WHAT ARE YOU ASKING SANTA FOR? A FAMILY. I'M ASKING FOR A FAMILY TOO. SANTA'S NOT BRINGING Y'ALL FAMILIES. SANTA CLAUS IS A CLOWN. HE'S A FAME JUNKIE. HE PUTS ON A BIG RED SUIT AND RIDES AROUND THE TOWN WITH REINDEER. IT'S BECAUSE THE MAN IS DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION. THE DUDE NEEDS TO CONSTANTLY BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT. I MEAN, LIKE, THERE'S MORE SANTA STATUES IN THE WORLD THAN BUDDHA. IT'S A SHELL GAME. Y'ALL DRANK ALL THE KOOL-AID, FOOLS! YOU JUST KNOW... YOU'RE NEVER GETTING ADOPTED, BECAUSE YOU'RE MEAN! (GRUNTING) BOY: HEY, BREAK IT UP! GET OFF! (ALL SHOUTING) BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! (SHIRT RIPS) (BOYS CONTINUE SHOUTING) (SHOUTING VOICES FADE AWAY) (SNOW GLOBE WHOOSHING) (SIGHS) SANTA, I RAN THE NUMBERS THREE TIMES. (GRUNTS QUIETLY) CHARLENE, MENTION THIS TO NO ONE. ESPECIALLY CLYDE NORTHCUTT. YES, SIR. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) NICK: FRED! WHAT THE BLAZES HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU MARKED EVERY NAUGHTY CHILD AS NICE! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! NONE OF THE KIDS SEEMED NAUGHTY TO ME, NICK. GOOD GRIEF, FRED! YOU REALLY NEVER SEE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF ANYTHING, DO YOU? WE LITERALLY CANNOT MAKE ENOUGH PRESENTS WITH ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT! WE CANNOT DELIVER ALL OF THOSE PRESENTS! DO YOU SEE? IT'S OVER! CONGRATULATIONS, FRED! YOU'VE CAUSED CHRISTMAS FOR THE WHOLE PLANET. EVERYBODY. LITHUANIA, EVERYWHERE IN AFRICA. THE WHOLE THING... (SPLUTTERS) ...RIGHT DOWN THE CRAPPER! BLAME IT ALL ON ME, RIGHT? IT'S ALL MY FAULT. HOW CONVENIENT FOR YOU. ANNETTE WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT? SAVE IT, NICK! MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT YOUR OWN SELF FOR A CHANGE! OH? YOU JUST KEEP STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH GINGERBREAD, FAT BOY! (GRUNTING ANGRILY) (GRUNTS) SLICK-TALKING, FAST-TALKING... PUNK! YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN BATTLING A WEIGHT PROBLEM FOR YEARS, FRED! THAT IS NOT FUNNY! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN SHOVE IT, THUNDER THIGHS! I'M SICK OF IT! THIS LITTLE TREE'S GONNA GET SOME LIGHT, NICK. THIS LITTLE TREE'S GONNA CHOP THAT BIG TREE DOWN! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR ABUSE! NICK, I COULDN'T MISS YOU IF I TRY! I COULDN'T MISS YOU IF I TRIED, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO FAT! YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL! YEAH. LIKE A BIG, LEATHER JACKET-WEARING GIRL! (SNOWBALL STRIKES) (GRUNTS) COME ON, FAT BOY! (NICK GRUNTS) HOW'D YOU GET TO WORK TODAY, NICK? DID YOU ROLL? HOW'D YOU GET HERE? DID YOU STEAL A SLED FROM SOME LITTLE KID?! COME ON! OH! AAH! (YELLS) (BOTH YELLING, GRUNTING) GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE. (SPUTTERS, GRUNTS) (THE JACKSON 5'S "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" PLAYING) (GROWLS) # SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN... # YOU DON'T BRING A SNOWMOBILE TO A SNOWBALL FIGHT, NICK... (CRAZED LAUGHTER) # YOU BETTER WATCH OUT # # YOU BETTER NOT CRY # (YELLING) # YOU BETTER NOT POUT I'M TELLING YOU WHY # YOU GONNA RUN ME OVER?! WERE YOU GONNA RUN ME OVER?! (NICK SCREAMING, KIDS GASP) # SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN # (BOTH YELLING) # HE'S MAKING A LIST # # AND CHECKING IT TWICE # (YELLS) # GONNA FIND OUT # OOH-OOH-AAH! # WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE # (SCREAMING) # SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN'... # (BOTH GROANING, PANTING) (NICK COUGHING) I NEVER REALISED BEFORE. (PANTING) YOU HATE ME. I DON'T HATE YOU, NICK. (PANTING) I JUST WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN. (QUIET, WRY LAUGH) YEAH. (GROANS) (GROANING) (GROANS) (PANTING) CLYDE NORTHCUTT... IS NOT FROM HUMAN RESOURCES, FRED. HE'S AN EFFICIENCY EXPERT. AND HE IS ONE STRIKE AWAY... FROM SHUTTING ME DOWN. (PANTS) PERMANENTLY. (SHIVERING, PANTING) (GROANING LOUDLY) (GROANS) 1 (FRED SIGHS) WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF, FRED. LOOK, ANNETTE, I WANT MY MONEY. A DEAL'S A DEAL. PERSONALLY, I DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE A CENT. OH. HE WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS TOO. MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRED. LET'S GO, WILLY. WELL, WELL. MR. NORTHCUTT. YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR. YES, I DID. BRING UP FRED CLAUS FROM EARLIER TODAY, PLEASE. (WHOOSHING) (STAMP POUNDING REPEATEDLY) (POUNDING GROWS LOUDER) NOW, WE CAN CORRECT THAT. WE CAN CORRECT THAT. CHARLENE? WE STILL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME, DON'T WE? NORTHCUTT: WITH LESS THAN THREE DAYS TO GO UNTIL CHRISTMAS, YOU NOW HAVE NO WAY OF MAKING YOUR QUOTA. AND I THINK... YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. STRIKE... (STAMP POUNDS) ...THREE. (SIGHS) LOOK, IT GIVES ME NO GREAT PLEASURE TO HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT-- WELL, ACTUALLY, WHO AM I KIDDING? THIS IS A FANTASTIC MOMENT FOR ME! (LAUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY) HM. YOU'RE FIRED. (GASPS) (BEEP) HEY, FRED, IT'S LEON! IT'S THE 22ND. THIS IS YOUR BIG DAY, BUDDY! GET THAT 50 G'S IN MY HANDS. CALL ME BACK. LET'S DO THIS. (BEEP) MAN: AND I, UH, FEEL THIS WAY ALL THE TIME. IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T WANT MY BROTHER TO SUCCEED. WE WERE VERY CLOSE, YOU KNOW, GROWING UP. WE SHARED BUNK BEDS. HE WAS MY ROADIE. USED TO CARRY MY AMPS. AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME, SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID: YOU'RE GONNA SUPPORT YOUR BROTHER. AND SO THAT WAS GONNA BE MY JOB. AND THEN ROCKY CAME OUT AND, UH, THINGS CHANGED, YOU KNOW? I WAS THE FIRST GUY IN LINE. I MEAN, I WAS THERE. AND THEN WHEN ROCKY 3 CAME OUT... I WAS STARTING TO WONDER WHO FRANK STALLONE WAS, YOU KNOW? IT WAS LIKE IDENTITY THEFT. SO YOU'RE FIGHTING RAMBO AND YOU'RE FIGHTING ROCKY, AND TRYING TO KEEP 'EM AT BAY, SO YOU CAN GET A LITTLE BIT OF YOU TO COME THROUGH. WELL, ANYWAY, I WANT TO THANK YOU, UH, GUYS FOR LISTENING. I-I FEEL GOOD COMING HERE. I LIKE IT HERE. GROUP LEADER: WONDERFUL. THANKS FOR SHARING, FRANK. OKAY. NOW I THINK WE GO TO ROGER. UM, I, LIKE-- I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME THINGS I'D LIKE TO-- TO... TO TALK ABOUT... OKAY. YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT YOUR TURN, ALL RIGHT? ROGER'S BEEN WAITING. AND WE DIDN'T GET TO HIM LAST TIME. SO WE'RE GONNA GO TO ROGER. BUT-- I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF BOILING RIGHT NOW-- I APPRECIATE THAT. AFTER ROGER. (QUIETLY) OKAY. ROGER? I'M ROGER. I'M A RECOVERING SIBLING. ALL: HI, ROGER. MY BROTHER'S BILL CLINTON. MY BROTHER WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. YOU KNOW, I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS ON THE TV, AND ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL WAS THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS FROM 1993. WHEN WE LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE, I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS GONNA BE THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY. BUT NO, I STARTED... I STARTED TO CRY AGAIN. AND I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVER... STILL GONNA BE ABLE TO FULLY RECOVER NOW. MAYBE THAT'S A PLACE WHERE I COULD JUMP IN, AND THEN SHARE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME. WHO ARE YOU? I'M FRED. ALL: HI, FRED. HI. UH, GO AHEAD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A TURN NOW? MY NAME IS, UH, FRED CLAUS. ALL: HI, FRED. HI. I'M, UH... UH, I'M SANTA CLAUS'S BROTHER. AND I GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON, UH, BECAUSE OF IT. THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS. THERE'S A LOT OF, UM-- LOT OF JUICE IN THE TANK OVER IT, AND, UH... IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU? UH, STEPHEN, BY THE WAY. ALL: HI, STEPHEN. HEY, GUYS. WHAT'S UP? I MEAN, BECAUSE THIS ISN'T FUNNY TO ALL OF US HERE IN THE GROUP. OKAY, THIS IS VERY SERIOUS TO US. AND I'M FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM. WAIT, UH, STEPHEN... MAYBE TO HIM, HIS BROTHER IS SANTA CLAUS. I FEEL LIKE MY BROTHER'S SANTA CLAUS. YEAH. BUT-- BUT I FEEL LIKE MY BROTHER'S SANTA CLAUS BECAUSE MY BROTHER REALLY IS SANTA CLAUS. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH, ALL RIGHT? YOU AND I GOT A PROBLEM... GROUP LEADER: ALL RIGHT, STEPHEN, EASY. EASY. ALL RIGHT. STEPHEN, EASY. THAT'S NOT ALEC. OKAY? DON'T LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT HIM. THAT'S NOT ALEC. THAT'S NOT ALEC. I'M NOT ALEC. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOMP IT OUT. (STOMPS FOOT) IT'S NOT ALEC. ALEC WON'T HEAR THAT. HOW'S HE GONNA...? THAT'S NOT ALEC! OKAY. THAT'S NOT ALEC! (SHOUTS) THAT'S NOT ALEC! THAT'S NOT ALEC! THAT'S NOT ALEC! ALL RIGHT. NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT ALEC'S ATTENTION, STEPHEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM? ROGER: STEPHEN? STEPHEN... I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM... BECAUSE I USED TO BE REALLY, REALLY ANGRY WITH MY BROTHER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME FIRST BROTHER. ESPECIALLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I COULDN'T CONTROL THAT. I COULDN'T CONTROL BEING BROTHER OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES... BUT I COULD CONTROL BEING BILL CLINTON'S BROTHER. AND I MADE THE DECISION, EVEN THOUGH I COULD'VE BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN-- I MADE THE DECISION THAT, FOR THE LOVE OF MY BROTHER, AND FOR THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY NAME, THAT I WAS GONNA DO WHATEVER IT TOOK... BECAUSE I LOVED MY BROTHER. AND I WAS ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE FOR MY BROTHER. AND I HAVE BEEN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN BE TOO. TRAVEL EXPRESS? YEAH, I NEED TO GET TO THE NORTH POLE RIGHT AWAY. LIKE, TONIGHT? YEAH, I GOT $50,000 IN CASH THAT SAYS I'M NOT KIDDING. (BARKING) OH! NORTH POLE! NORTH POLE. NORTH POLE'S THERE. SAFE JOURNEYS TO YOU, AND THANK YOU. HYAH! (WIND WHISTLING) (PANTING) WILLY, GATHER ALL THE ELVES AND MEET ME IN THE WORKSHOP RIGHT NOW. LET'S GO. FRED: LOOK, GUYS... WE GOT TO MAKE AS MANY PRESENTS AS WE CAN IN THE NEXT 10 HOURS. WILLY: FRED, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. WE JUST... CAN'T BUILD THAT MANY TOYS IN THAT TIME. THE RULE SAYS THAT EVERY KID GETS A TOY. SO WHAT WOULD BE THE EASIEST TOY TO MAKE, WITH ONE FOR BOYS AND ONE FOR GIRLS? A BASEBALL BAT. A HULA HOOP. FRED: WELL, BASEBALL BATS AND HULA HOOPS IT IS, THEN. CHARLENE, DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WE COULD MAKE ENOUGH GIFTS TO MEET OUR QUOTA? BASEBALL BATS TIMES FOUR... (MUMBLING) IS 55... (LAUGHS) YEAH, IT IS POSSIBLE. IT IS, BUT-- BUT, FRED, THAT'S NOT WHAT THE KIDS ASKED FOR. YEAH, BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT EACH OF THE KIDS GET A TOY. THAT THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY CAN OPEN WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. MOST IMPORTANTLY, THAT THEY ALL KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMEBODY OUT THERE WHO'S THINKING ABOUT 'EM. YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER MISSED A CHRISTMAS BEFORE. IF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA GO OUT THIS YEAR... YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT TRYING. OKAY. WE'RE ON IT. 1 THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S COMPLETELY THROWN HIS BACK OUT. OH, NO. HEY, ANNETTE, HOW YOU DOING? FRED? I THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT. I GOT THE ELVES IN THE WORKSHOP MAKING PRESENTS. CUTTING CORNERS, BUT WE CAN MAKE IT. YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO SAVE CHRISTMAS. NOT A LOT OF TIME, SO GET UP AND GET MOTIVATED. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. THE MAN CAN HARDLY CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT. I CAN'T MOVE. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) I CAN'T, FRED. YOU CAN DO IT. IT'S CHRISTMAS. COME ON. THE KIDS ARE OUT THERE. THEY'RE COUNTING ON US. OH, BOY, I WISH I COULD, FRED. WILLY, THIS IS YOUR BIG NIGHT. THIS IS YOUR BIG NIGHT. YOU'RE GONNA DELIVER THE PRESENTS. WILLY CAN DELIVER THE PRESENTS. NO, FRED, I CAN'T. OF COURSE YOU CAN DO IT. YOU'RE GREAT ON THAT SLEIGH. NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T DO IT. THERE'S A RULE: ONLY A CLAUS CAN DELIVER THE PRESENTS. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) DO YOU GUYS MIND GIVING ME JUST A-- A MOMENT ALONE WITH MY BROTHER HERE? (CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY) YEAH, UM... I CAN'T DO THAT, NICK. I THINK YOU KNOW THAT. UH... (LAUGHS) I'M NOT CAPABLE OF DOING-- I-I-- I'M NOT EVEN COMFORTABLE FLYING OR-- OR, YOU KNOW, BEING A PASSENGER, LET ALONE TRYING TO FLY THE SL-- I WON'T KNOW ABOUT THE REINDEER... HEY, FRED. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S RIDICULOUS FOR ANYBODY TO EXPECT THAT KIND OF THING. NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU CAN'T. IT'S TOO HUGE. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. WHEW. (CHUCKLES) AND I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT, FRED. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT IS ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, NICK, THERE'S BEEN ONE THING THAT'S BEEN EATING AT ME SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE. THAT NAUGHTY-NICE LIST THAT YOU GOT? THERE'S NO NAUGHTY KIDS, NICK. THEY'RE ALL GOOD KIDS. SOME OF 'EM ARE SCARED, AND SOME OF 'EM DON'T FEEL LISTENED TO. SOME OF 'EM HAD SOME PRETTY TOUGH BREAKS TOO. BUT EVERY KID DESERVES A PRESENT ON CHRISTMAS. (SIGHS QUIETLY) (GLOVES CREAKING) (HISSES) (EXHALES) (MUSIC PAUSES) (MUMBLING) ...PLUS ASIA, PLUS EUROPE, NORTH AMERICA, SOUTH AMERICA. (INHALES) IT'S GONNA BE CLOSE. LET'S GO, PEOPLE! LET'S PICK UP THE PACE! RED FRED HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING. I REPEAT: RED FRED HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING. WILLY. LET'S GO. (HUMMING A LIVELY TUNE) (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON AROUND HERE? (MUTTERING) (SCOFFS) NICE OUTFIT. WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? DELIVERING PRESENTS. NO, YOU DON'T. SANTA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DELIVER PRESENTS. NO, ONLY A CLAUS CAN DELIVER PRESENTS. AND THAT IS A CLAUS. LISTEN, IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU ARE MISTAKEN. IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THIS SLEIGH IN ABOUT THREE SECONDS, YOU'LL MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE NORTH POLE. YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS. OKAY. THREE... TWO... WILLY, HOW DO I DO THIS? JUST SAY "HO." HO! AAH! GOOD, FRED. NICE, FIRM GRIP ON THOSE REINS. WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW? WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW? SNAP THOSE REINS. GET THIS THING IN THE AIR! SNAP 'EM! TELL THE GUYS TO GET UP! GET UP, GET UP, GET UP! THERE YOU GO! YOU GOT IT, FRED! WE'RE GOING UP! WHOA! WILLY: HA-HA! YOU'RE FLYING! YOU'RE FLYING SANTA'S SLEIGH! WHAT'S HAPPENING? WATCH THE ROOF THERE. I CAN DO IT! (GASPING) OH, NO! OH! DO IT TO ME! HOW DO I STEER THIS THING? WE WANT TO GO UP, SO YOU GOT TO PULL UP ON THE REINS THERE, FRED. OH, OKAY! FRED: WHOA...! CHRISTMAS ONE, DO YOU COPY? WILLY: NORTH POLE, THIS IS CHRISTMAS ONE. WE COPY. WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. SIXTY SECONDS AND COUNTING FOR A LANDING, NORTH POLE. WILLY: OKAY. WE'VE GOT 10 HOURS, FRED. WE NEED TO BE DONE DELIVERING BY 5:38 A.M., NORTH POLE TIME. THAT'S SUNRISE. AND THAT'S GAME OVER. GOING DOWN THIS THING HERE, IT'S, UH... IT'S GONNA HURT A LITTLE BIT, ISN'T IT? FRED, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU. IT AIN'T GONNA TICKLE. OH, AND ONE MORE THING. MAKE SURE YOU EAT ALL THE COOKIES. IT HURTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS IF YOU DON'T EAT THE COOKIES. I GOT IT. WHOA! (CRASH, THUD) (FRED GRUNTS) (THE WAITRESSES' "CHRISTMAS WRAPPING" PLAYING) (GASPING) (YELLING) (YELLS) HEAD 12 DEGREES NORTH INTO LONDON. WILLY: NORTH POLE, THIS IS CHRISTMAS ONE. WE'RE HEADING 12 DEGREES NORTH INTO LONDON. STEVEN HARDING. # 'CAUSE IT IS MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY # WILLY: ANNA-MARIE GORMLEY. DONE. # TO ADD TO MY ALREADY MAD RUSH # # JUST 'CAUSE IT'S 'TIS THE SEASON # EMMA SHORT. # THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ME WOULD BE # # COMPLETIONS AND CONNECTIONS LEFT FROM # # LAST YEAR, SKI SHOP # (CAR ALARMS BLARING) WHOA! WE'LL COME BACK TO THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD LATER. # BUT NEVER THE TIME, MOST OF '81 PASSED ALONG THOSE LINES # # SO DECK THOSE HALLS # GO 20 DEGREES PAST DALLAS TOWARDS LUBBOCK. ROGER THAT, UH, NORTH POLE. FRED: OH! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (GROANS) # CALENDAR PICTURE FROZEN LANDSCAPE # CHRISTMAS ONE, TAKE YOUR HEADING OF ONE-ZERO-NINER. # EVERGREENS, SPARKLING SNOW # # GET THIS WINTER OVER WITH! # WILLY: FRED, FRED, FRED! SHAKE IT OFF, RUDOLPH! ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE? YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE AN ABSOLUTE PRO... WHO MAKES A LOT OF MISTAKES. # DIDN'T, OF COURSE TILL SUMMERTIME # # OUT TO THE BEACH TO HIS BOAT COULD I JOIN HIM? # (BARKING) NO, IT'S OKAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. # NOW THE CALENDAR'S JUST ONE PAGE # KATHERINE TIBBETT. NORTH POLE CONTROL: VEER RIGHT, 70 DEGREES, AT THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. (GRUNTING IN PAIN) # COULDN'T MISS THIS ONE THIS YEAR # NEXT PAGE. (BONES CRACKING, GROANS) # COULDN'T MISS THIS ONE THIS YEAR, MERRY CHRISTMAS # # COULDN'T MISS THIS ONE THIS YEAR... # HAVE A SLICE OF CHALLAH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I APPRECIATE IT. MAZEL TOV. AND THAT KNISH? KNISHES. YOU'RE TOO GENEROUS. THANK YOU SO MUCH. SHA-LAMB. SHA-LOOBI. (MUSIC FADES) PSST. KID. SANTA! YOU FOUND ME! YEAH, I FOUND YOU. I FIND ALL THE GOOD KIDS. (PUPPY WHIMPERS) (GASPS) MACARONI! IT'S YOU! HI, BOY. HEY. COME ON, BOY. HI. SLAM, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME. YOU GOT SOME ADVICE A WHILE BACK, AND I THINK IT WAS A LITTLE OFF. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. IT ALL STARTS WITH WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOURSELF. I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, SLAM... 'CAUSE YOU GOT A LOT TO BELIEVE IN. AND THE REST WILL ALL... WILL KIND OF FALL INTO PLACE. OKAY? OKAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, PAL. MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA. OH, AND, UM, SANTA? YEAH? HERE'S YOUR WALLET BACK. THAT'S A GOOD START. LET'S-- LET'S TRY AND BUILD SOME REAL MOMENTUM WITH THAT, OKAY? OKAY. # MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS # # COULDN'T MISS THIS ONE THIS YEAR # # MERRY CHRISTMAS # # MERRY CHRISTMAS COULDN'T MISS... # I THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT! (CHEERING) # COULDN'T MISS THIS ONE... # CHRISTMAS ONE. ARE YOU THERE? OVER. ARE YOU THERE--? (ELECTRICAL WHIR FADES) NORTH POLE, GO AHEAD. THIS IS CHRISTMAS ONE. GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR WAY IN THE DARK WITHOUT A CANDLE, FREDDIE. AND AS OF RIGHT NOW, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU LITTLE ADORABLE MUNCHKINS IS FIRED! SO GO HOME. PACK UP YOUR STOCKINGS. YOU'RE TAKING A BUS BACK TO ELF-ISTAN, OR WHEREVER THE HELL YOU'RE FROM. NORTH POLE? NORTH POLE, THIS IS CHRISTMAS ONE. GO AHEAD. HEY, GUYS! (STATIC BUZZING) UH...I THINK WE'RE FLYING BLIND UP HERE. (WIND WHISTLING) (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) BY THE TIME THE SUN RISES, IT WILL ALL BE OVER. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. CLYDE ARCHIBALD NORTHCUTT. 422...DASHWOOD DRIVE... PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA. HA! YEAH, YOU, UH-- YOU MADE THE MOST NAUGHTY LIST IN '68. OH, BOY, THAT WAS A VERY, VERY NAUGHTY YEAR. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY REMEMBER THAT? YOU ASKED ME FOR A SUPERMAN CAPE. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A SUPERMAN CAPE, DID I? DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES, CLYDE? IF YOU THINK THIS IS GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING, YOU ARE SADLY-- "FOUR-EYED CLYDE." I BET THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLED YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU THINK AFTER A WHILE OF BEING CALLED "FOUR-EYED CLYDE," YOU GOT A LITTLE ANGRY? MAYBE YOU STARTED A FIGHT OR TWO. MAYBE 10, MAYBE 12. (CHUCKLES QUIETLY) SO YOU ASKED ME FOR SOMETHING, SUPERMAN CAPE, BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS GONNA CHANGE EVERYTHING. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. SO YOU DECIDED TO STAY FOUR-EYED CLYDE! ONLY BECAUSE CLARK KENT WORE GLASSES! BUT WHEN HE TURNED INTO SUPERMAN... HE DIDN'T NEED THOSE DARN GLASSES ANYMORE, DID HE? OH, CLYDE. IT WAS WRONG OF ME NOT TO GIVE YOU THAT GIFT, CLYDE. I FEAR THAT I HAD A VERY INCORRECT... MISGUIDED UNDERSTANDING OF... NAUGHTY CHILDREN. SO, THIS, UH... MAY BE A LITTLE LATE... YOU WANT TO PUT IT ON? (CHUCKLES) MR. CLAUS, I'M A 45-YEAR-OLD MAN. I'M NOT GONNA PUT ON A SILLY-- PUT IT ON! FOR ME. (SIGHS) O-OKAY. THATTABOY. OH... (GENTLE CHUCKLE) GLASSES OFF. NOW, I NEED YOUR HELP. 1 (PAPER CRINKLING) OH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING? UH... A QUARTER TO 2 A.M. THERE'S URSA MINOR. THAT MEANS WE SHOULD BE AT LONGITUDE 38.25. THAT'S, UH, FOUR TO THE-- TAKE A LEFT! TAKE A LEFT! I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOUR HELP. I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TURN THE POWER BACK ON, SUPERMAN. NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND I'VE ALREADY-- I'VE SUBMITTED MY REPORT. IT'S-- IT'S FINAL. IF FRED DOESN'T DELIVER ALL THOSE PRESENTS BY SUNRISE, THE NORTH POLE WILL BE SHUT DOWN FOREVER. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN-- I UNDERSTAND THAT, I DO. NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GIVE HIM HIS SHOT? BECAUSE HE'S NOT A NAUGHTY KID EITHER. I'M TRYING. JUST HOLD ON. LOOK OUTSIDE THE SLEIGH. LOOKS LIKE THE GRAND CANYON. ISN'T THAT IT? (WHIRRING SURGES) (RATTLING, THEN WHIRRING FADES) OH, BOY. (REINS CRACKING) (REINS CRACK) (WHOOSHING) FRED, IT'S 4:15. LOOK, I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN, ALL RIGHT? (WHOOSHING) DONE, DONE... (WHOOSHING) WILLY: SNAP THE REINS! WE NEED A LOT MORE SPEED AT THIS ALTITUDE! I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN! TELL ME WHEN TO TURN! WILLY: NOW! FRED. I KNOW, WILLY. I KNOW. FRED, I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS. (GALLOPING) (SIGHS) (GROANS) (CLICKS TONGUE) WE DID IT. (ALL CHEERING) WILLY. TO THE SNOW GLOBE! (SINEAD O'CONNOR'S "SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING) # SILENT NIGHT # # HOLY NIGHT # # ALL IS CALM # # WE SEE # # ALL IS BRIGHT # # ROUND YOUNG VIRGIN # # MOTHER AND CHILD # # HOLY INFANT # # SO TENDER AND MILD # # WE SAY # # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY # # PEACE # # SLEEP IN # # HEAVENLY PEACE # # SILENT NIGHT # # HOLY NIGHT # # SHEPHERDS FIRST # # SAW THE SIGHT # # GLORIOUS STREAMING # # FROM HEAVEN AFAR # # HEAVENLY HOST SINGING # # ALLELUIA # # WE SAY # # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY # # PEACE # YOU ARE THE BEST BIG BROTHER... ANYBODY COULD EVER ASK FOR. # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY # # PEACE # (GRUNTS SOFTLY) # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY # # PEACE # (SOFTLY) HO, HO, HO. # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE # FRED? I...BROUGHT YOU A CHRISTMAS GIFT. HOW'D YOU GET IN? DOWN THE CHIM-- I CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY. OH, FREDDIE, YOU CAN'T JUST SHOW UP DRESSED LIKE FATHER CHRISTMAS AND COME DOWN SOMEBODY ELSE'S CHIMNEY, ALL RIGHT? ACTUALLY, I-- I-- I CAN. I'VE BEEN DOING THAT ALL NIGHT. UH...FREDDIE, YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING TO GET, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT WORRIED FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE, LIKE, YOU'RE STANDING HERE IN MY BEDROOM, WEARING RED, AND... IT'S GETTING TO BE "RESTRAINING ORDER" TIME. SO...YOU LOOK SORT OF TIRED, AND I KNOW THAT I'M VERY TIRED, SO, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'LL CALL YOU LATER, BUT RIGHT NOW, I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST GO HOME. ALL RIGHT? JUST GO HOME. UM, I AM HOME. YOU'RE WHAT? I'VE GIVEN UP MY LEASE ON MY APARTMENT. I'M GONNA BE MOVING IN HERE WITH YOU. BUT, LISTEN, TAKE YOUR TIME. I WANT YOU TO DIGEST THIS AND PROCESS THINGS A LITTLE BIT. I COULD USE A LITTLE SLEEP. I'LL BE-- I'LL BE RIGHT OUT IN THE, UH-- IN OUR BREAKFAST NOOK AREA. I'LL CURL UP IN OUR BREAKFAST NOOK AREA. WHEN YOU'RE READY, YOU COME FIND ME HERE AT HOME, AT OUR HOUSE. (PATS BED) (LAUGHS) THIS IS NO GOOD. WE CAN'T GO TO BED WHEN WE'RE ARGUING, NOW THAT WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER. SHH. I GOT A BIG SURPRISE PLANNED FOR YOU. OH, NO, FREDDIE, NOT "BIG SURPRISE," PLEASE? WELL, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN YOU SEE THIS ONE. FREDDIE, IS IT ALL RIGHT THAT WE'RE DOING THIS? IT'S A COMPANY CAR. IT'S ONE OF THE PERKS. OKAY. WANDA: OH, FREDDIE, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE! WE'RE IN PARIS, BABY. WE'RE IN PARIS. (LAUGHING) NARRATOR: SO I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE. (PLAYING THE BYRDS' "MY BACK PAGES") THAT CHRISTMAS TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL EVER. BYRDS: # CRIMSON FLAMES TIED THROUGH MY EARS... # NARRATOR: PEOPLE EVERYWHERE FOUND THEMSELVES MORE SATISFIED AND FILLED UP THAN EVER. OH, GOOD WORK, HANS. YOU'VE LEARNED TO USE THE SPREADSHEET. THAT'S WONDERFUL WORK. SO SANTA HIRED CLYDE ON A CONSULTING BASIS. BYRDS: # "...EDGES SOON," SAID I # # PROUD 'NEATH HEATED BROW... # OH, THAT'S A NICE SWEATER, CLYDE. REAL NICE SWEATER. NARRATOR: CLYDE'S EFFICIENCY ENSURED THAT THE NORTH POLE NEVER FELL BEHIND AGAIN, EVEN WITH EVERY KID GETTING A PRESENT. WILLY AND CHARLENE FOUND OUT THAT KINDRED SPIRITS AND SOUL MATES OFTEN COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES. AND BOB AND LINDA FINALLY GOT E-MAIL. LINDA, WHERE ARE ALL THE NEW ORDERS? I E-MAILED YOU FIVE MINUTES AGO! PLEASE...DO NOT USE ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME, OKAY? YEAH, BUT-- NOT EVERYTHING IS THAT IMPORTANT. LOVE YA. LOVE YOU BACK. FRED: I DON'T WANT YOU JUMPING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF ANIMALS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP. WHAT DO YOU GOT YOUR HAT ON? YOU DON'T HAVE A VIDEO COMING OUT. YOU WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE A MAN. TURN YOUR HAT AROUND. YOU WEAR IT LIKE THIS TO BLOCK THE SUN OUT OF YOUR EYES. WHEN YOU'RE EATING, TAKE YOUR HATS OFF. SHE'S RIGHT. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT. TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, AND DON'T FORGET THE WORD "MAN" IS ALSO IN THE WORD "MANNERS." BRING IT IN FOR A TEAM CHANT HERE! READY? ON THREE. ALL: ONE, TWO, THREE! KILL 'EM! FRED NEVER STOPPED WATCHING OVER SLAM. (GIRL SCREAMING) WHOA! AND BY THE NEXT CHRISTMAS, SLAM HAD A FAMILY OF HIS OWN. CROWD: THREE, TWO, ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! AND SANTA CLAUS FINALLY GOT THE ONE PRESENT HE ALWAYS WANTED: HE GOT HIS BROTHER BACK. I'M NOT LETTING GO. I GOT YOU IN A DEATH GRIP. I'M NOT LETTING GO. AAH! OH! SLIMMING DOWN. CITRUS FRUITS. GET OUT THERE, BIG GUY. A BIT MORE FANCY, YOU KNOW. EXCUSE ME, YOU MIND IF I TAKE HER AWAY FOR A SECOND? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I JUST NEED YOUR HELP. SHOW ME HOW. COME HERE, DADDY. I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO THIS. BUT AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THIS IS THE STORY OF A BOY NAMED FRED. I JUST LOVE WANDA. I MEAN, SHE'S A BIT ABOVE YOUR STATION, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SORT OF... CLEAN UP YOUR ACT, YOU KNOW? HAVE A GREAT NEW WARDROBE TO START OFF THE NEW YEAR. YOU'RE A CLAUS! GET OUT THERE. YOU KNOW, LOOK AT YOUR DAD. HE'S ALWAYS SO DAPPER. DON'T DO IT TO ME, MOM. I'M TRYING TO BE POSITIVE. OH, BUT I'M POSITIVE TOO. I'M POSITIVE I'M RIGHT. YOU NEED A NEW WARDROBE. OKAY. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU, MOM. HAPPY NEW YEAR. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU TOO. # DREAMS THAT YOU DREAM OF # # ONCE IN A LULLABY # # I-I, I # # WELL, I SEE TREES OF GREEN # # AND RED ROSES TOO # # I'LL WATCH THEM BLOOM FOR # # ME AND YOU # # AND I # # THINK TO MYSELF # # WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD # (CHIRPING)