(Paul McCartney sings) # He's just a young boy # Looking for a way to find love # It isn't easy # Nothing he can say will help him # Find love # He's gotta do it for himself # And it can take so long # He's just a young boy looking for a way to find love # Find love # A perfect combination # Find love # Whatever you do # Find love # A cause for celebration # Then it might come looking # Come looking for you # Find love # In any situation # Find love # Whatever you do # Find love # A cause for celebration # And it might come looking # Come looking for you # He doesn't need another helping hand from someone # But don't you think he doesn't understand what he wants? # Someone # Though independence means a lot # He's gotta still be strong # He's just a young boy looking for a way to find love # Find love # A time for meditation # Find love # A source of inspiration # Find love # Instead of confrontation # Find love # And love will come looking for you. # WOMAN: So...settle? I think that'll be excellent. So, what do you think? About 90 cents in the dollar? Jack? 90 cents in the dollar. I think that'd be fair. Ah, yeah. Let's do this after lunch, OK? So, how long has it been? 17 years. Wow. Wow. Hello. I suppose you're married now. Yeah. Eight years. Four years to the first wife. Three years to the second wife, and this one, a year so far. (Knocks on table) (Knocks on table) How about you? Yeah. I married soon after we broke up. Really? Any kids? No. No, no, no. Not for me. And you? Yeah, I have a son, Scott. He's 16. Wow. He's yours. Is that a joke? Oh, no. He's your son. My son?! Yes. I just never said anything because by the time I found out I was pregnant, we had broken up and I was in love with Bob, my husband. I married him, and he thinks Scott is his. How do you know that he isn't? Well, I know. I know. I did the math. Not to demean your math skills, but don't you think we should do this the right way? Blood tests? DNA? And why are you telling me now after all of this time, by the way? Scott ran away two weeks ago. Bob... The husband? Yeah. Scott and Bob had a terrible fight. Bob kept saying he'd be back but it's... ..it's been two weeks and we haven't... Do you have any idea where he went? No. He ran away with this girl he was seeing, Nikki Trainor. Her parents are divorced. Her father lives in San Francisco. He works in a towing service, Tip Top Towing. Tip Top Towing? When we called, he wouldn't even speak to us! He wouldn't even speak to the police! Do you have a picture? Of Scotty? Yeah. You can see the resemblance, right? Well, it's the wrong expression. When he smiles, he's you. Do you have a picture of him smiling? I'm sorry. I...I... I wish there was something or anything that I could do. You can find him. I don't find people. I sue them. DALE: To whom it may concern, for years I've thought about killing myself. It's the only thing that's kept me going. But something always held me back. My writing. Goodbye...my life's work. Au revoir...oeurve. Ciao...caca. Two bullets should be enough. PHONE RINGS Ohh! Hello? Who's this? Collette? Collette Richard? My God! How are you? Oh, me? Oh, I'm not bad. Tomorrow? Well, you know... I made no plans. LIVELY MUSIC It's one face. Oh...I have a son. (Laughs and cries) Oh, God. Oh, Dale. I'm OK. Just tell me about Scotty. When can I see him? Dale, Scott is missing. My son is missing? We think he's up here. Here? San Francisco? Since you live here and you were always so understanding... Oh, psychic, sometimes. But you really seem to have a full plate. Collette, I know I seem a little...fuzzy. But I can focus. Let me try this. I can do it. My son needs me. Don't you worry, Scotty. Daddy's coming. Why didn't somebody call me before I left Los Angeles? Because we didn't know, Jack. My client showed up 20 minutes ago and said his cast was too tight. He was in terrible pain and he had to go home. (Mocking) Terrible pain. It's true. Come on. He'll be All right by tomorrow. Yes, but I am here today! I know. I'm sorry. Rose will book you into a hotel overnight. Where do you like to stay? My house, but it's in Los Angeles. PHONE RINGS Hello? JACK: Hi, honey. Oh... What's wrong? Yeah, we have a little problem. I have to stay over tonight. I'm sorry. You'll be OK? Yeah. I'll be fine. I'm just taking care of stuff around the house. All right, I'll call you later. 'Bye. OK. 'Bye. OK. Let's see. REFLECTIVE MUSIC Do you have a phone book? DALE: Hi, Scott. I'm your dad. Hi, Scotty. Ohh! Good firm handshake! (Talks like mobster) Scotty! How ya doin'? (Imitates hippie) Dude! I'm your old man. I suppose you're wondering why your middle name is Rainbow. Yo, Scott. What's up, Homes? You know, Scott, when I was a boy your age I was pulling on myself harder than a tractor pulling Arkansas. (Rapping) I'm your papa, your daddy, your pere. You got to care for me, you see? I am your father. Hug me and let us join our spirits. Mr Trainor? What? Hi, my name is Jack Lawrence. So? So, I was hoping that maybe you could help me with something. Um, have you seen this boy? This again. Who are you? I'm...I'm his father. What are you bothering me for? I already talked to your wife on the phone. No. She's not my wife. She's... That's not even the point. The point is I don't know anything, so get lost! When was the last time you saw him? PHONE RINGS Look, I'm tired of this bullshit. Now, get the hell out of here. I'll get it. Hello? Give me that! No, he can't. He's in a meeting. Can I have him get back to you? What is wrong with you?! (Groans in agony) Hello? Listen, he can't speak right now. No, he's having a lot of trouble with his testicles. I will tell him. 'Bye. That was your mother on the phone. Come on, now. Here you go. You're gonna be OK. Sit down. All right. All right, good, OK. Come on. Everything's going to be OK. What were we talking about? I just... Oh, right, right, right. Your daughter and my son. Yeah. All right. They were here with a bunch of other kids. Good. Good. And? And now they're gone. And where did they go? Nikki said something about trying to get money from my ex-wife and... And she would be? The lady that runs the marina in Tiburon. What's her name, Bosco? Shirley. Shirley's Marina in Tiburon. Shirley's Marina in Tiburon. Thank you very, very much. Oh, excuse me, Mr Trainor? No, that's not me. Oh, no? No, he's...he's in there. Oh, thank you. (Breathes deeply) OK. OK. Jesus. Hey, can I get a cab out front? Oh, yeah. Hey, nice shot. Thanks a lot. Mr Trainor? Yeah? I hope I'm not catching you at an inconvenient moment. I won't waste an extra minute of your valuable time. Have you seen this handsome boy? Who...who are you? Isn't it obvious? I'm his father. I understand he and your daughter are, shall we say, an item? Oh, they grow up so fast, don't they? One minute they're going "Who's the little boy?" And the next minute he's banging your little girl. May I sit down? Sure. Thank you. So, how many fathers does this kid have? Oh, no. I see. No. The man you met is not the real father. I'm the real father. See, it's a long story. 17 years ago we were biking... PHONE RINGS His mother and I were biking through the wine country both sampling... Please, you answer the phone. I'll finish my story later. Ow! Oh! I'm sorry! What's that all about?! Get out of here! That man is insane! He bludgeoned me with a phone for no reason! He's a bad guy. You OK? I don't know. Is there blood? No. Good. I was telling him this lovely story about me and a girl biking through the wine country... Those stories aren't for everybody, pal. I guess not. I have to talk to him, though. I'm trying to find my son. Your son? Yeah. He ran away. Your son ran away? Yeah. So did mine. How richly bizarre. They could be together. You think so? He said there's a group of them. Dale Putley. Jack Lawrence. Do you know where Tiburon is? CAR HORNS HONK REPEATEDLY Dale, I feel like I'm in a white Bronco. I'm sorry, I just get anxious driving over bridges. That's because you're going 11 miles an hour. I'm going 25 miles an hour, Jack! Yeah, I can feel the G-force. What?! What?! Calm down. I'm OK. It's just all these people. Well, some... I don't like a lot of people or a lot of cars. What do you do for a living? (Breathing heavily) Well...I... ..I teach English as a third language at the Jewish community centre. CAR HORN HONKS Excuse me! I'm really sort of a writer at large. I write and perform poetry and plays. Things from my soul. Oh, really? Yeah. But it's avant garde, very experimental, very... Like with guinea pigs and...? No, I'm kidding. You're not a mime, are you? I used to be. Oh, you did? Oh, I'm sorry... For what? No, please. Nothing, it's... Oh. No, no, tell me. It's OK. I hate them. I see a mime on the street I wanna kick him in the face, I tell ya. Really? I do. You should talk to somebody about that, Jack. They're annoying. Really? If I'm shopping, he's got a balloon and... What do you do? ..I want to smack him. Oh? OK. What do I do? I'm a lawyer. Oh! (Mutters) Bloodsucker! I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Throat. Sorry. Dale. What? You missed the exit. I what? All of this pithy conversation and we missed the exit. You'll have to go off and come back around. Ahh! What are you doing?! Oh, Jack! I'm sorry! What was that?! I turn around and you'd blacked out. I'm sorry! What was that? In crisis situations I have these anxiety attacks. I hyperventilate and I pass out for a moment. I'm sorry, Jack. I'm back. LIVELY MUSIC So, have you been driving long? About 30 years now. Oh. Listen, these things take time. Hey, pull in here. Yeah. Brake, brake, brake! CRASH! Perfect. Perfect. Anchovies. I gave you the shrimp, right? The worms. Gentlemen, have a good time. Catch some fish. Mrs Trainor? Yes. Hi. My name is Jack Lawrence. Can I talk to you for a moment? Yeah, yeah. Pepe, don't start on that until I get over there. All right. I'm Dale Putley. How do you do? Fine. What do you want? It's about your daughter, Nikki. Your ex-husband told us to talk... Oh, God. What'd she do now? Oh, we're not looking for Nikki. We're trying to find our two boys. We think that they're moving in your daughter's...social circle. Listen, I don't know where Nikki is. And frankly, I don't wanna know. But we... How'd you get her husband to talk? I headbutted him. How Joe Pesci of you. What are you gonna do with her? Run her tits through the Visa machine? Hey, listen. How about crying again? Me? Yeah. It might reach her maternal...thing. Cry? Just like that? You cried when we missed the exit. Don't mock me. Listen, Chip. Dale. Dale. You're an actor, right? You're a performer? Yeah. Let's make this a play. OK. A very sad play, a tragic play. You're a tragic hero. You're...you're Lou Gehrig. Who's that? Lou Gehrig. Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's disease. Wow. What are the odds on that? Oh, boy. Here's what I need. I need tears and I need them quickly. She's gonna come back. I'll try. Come on. Do it. I must find something personal from my past. Death. At the actors studio they call it sense memory. Wow. OK. OK. (Neck cracks) Come on. That's nice. Good. (Cries) Wow, that's fantastic. (Laughs) What are you doing? What are you...what are you doing? See, I'm at my grandmother's funeral... Well, I'm sorry I wasn't there. Come on. Cut it out, she's here. Why are you still here? Well... What's wrong with him? Him? He's...he's upset. He's distraught. Is he crying? Crying? He's weeping. Why? Why? It's his son. His son is his life, his whole life. We come here looking for help and you with your big city ways, you crush his last hope of ever finding him again. Ahh! My boy, my boy! Oh, I don't know. You're ripping his heart out. My daughter could get into trouble. No, no, we'll keep it private. Strictly in the family. From one parent to another. To another. They're probably with Sugar Ray. The boxer? No, it's a rock band. Nikki and some other kids travel all over following them around. They're in San Francisco, then. Where are they playing? They were, and then Nikki came over a couple of days ago and said she was taking off to Sacramento. They're playing a club called, ah...The Temple. The Temple? Yes. In Sacramento? Sugar Ray. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you. Look...if you see Nikki, tell her to call me if she needs anything. At the risk of sounding a little pretentious I want to share a line from one of my unproduced plays. Oh, no. The amazing thing about a parent's love is that something so large can so often go unseen. That's beautiful. Thank you. What do they look like, your sons? If they were with Nikki I probably met them. Do you have a picture? Yeah, I have a picture. I did have one. There he is. Oh, he's handsome. Thank you. So is my guy. What is this, a joke? Scott?! Scott?! BOTH: That bitch! PHONE RINGS Hello? Collette? Guess who? Arggh! Yes, that's right. Guess where I am. No, I'm in San Francisco. And guess who I'm with? Oh, God. I'll give you a hint. (Cries) Don't do that! She got it in a second, no pause. Thank you. What the hell is going on? How could you tell us the same story? I'm so hurt. It's not a story. Collette, who is the father? Is it me, Bob or... Dale. ..Dale? The truth is I don't know, OK? I knew all three of you then. Any of you could be his father. Please, just find him. Find him, we'll settle it later. Oh, that really helps. Goodbye. What did she say? She said she's not sure. You don't know who Scott's father is? When did you meet her? At a baseball game. You? Up here, at Berkeley. (Sighs) Collette. Oh, that accent. (Giggles) Mmm. The mouth. I tell you, she was just so... Stimulating. (Slurps loudly) The first date, I stared at her the whole night, she was stunning. In the moonlight, with that skin. I didn't even touch her. I took nude photographs of her. She posed nude for you? Yeah, it was photography class. It's extra credit. Wow. All she ever did for me was have sex. We did that too, but I've got some negatives. (Whispers) Wow. It was Berkeley. You know. I took nude pictures of her, she took nude pictures of me. Her room-mate took nude pictures of the both of us. Then, I took nude pictures of her and her room-mate wrestling on a Slip'n Slide, coming at me like... Enjoy. Francene? Mm-hmm. Excuse me, but this has cheese on it. It's better with cheese. I'm not conducting a poll. I can't digest this. Cheese is no longer my friend. If I eat this, it'll be bad for me and everybody on this side of the room. So, could you give me another one? Thank you very much. Francene? Mm-hmm. Can you also take this one and wrap both of them to go, OK? Oh...and the check. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Thank you. Dale? Mm-hmm? Where am I going? Sacramento. Where our son is. No, you don't understand. We don't know what's going on. She tells us different stories. Why run there? We don't know who's the father. We won't know unless we go there and find out for ourselves. Thank you. Thank you, Francene. 'I'LL NEVER BE...' BY REEL BIG FISH PLAYS Arggh! TYRES SQUEAL What is the matter? Will you do me a favour? Will you look back and see if there's a dead body in the road? What? Please. No, there's nothing there. There's not a body in the road? A what? A body. No. Nothing there. (Sighs) Good. I often think that I've run someone over. OK. SONG: # Everybody's looking at me # Thought by now I'd be on MTV # Or a magazine like '17' # Or 'Rolling Stone' and I won't be alone # With your money in my pocket, my face on your T-shirt. # I hope he's here. Don't worry, Jack. I'll guide you. I know this world. Yeah? # Got 1894 with all my friends # Who pass at my back door # Can you see the light of another night in here? # You want it fast, You want it now # If you ask they'll tell you how # I gotta get back to my speed home California # Speed home California Speed home California # Speed home California Speed home California... # Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Thanks. # Can't take this any more # Got my head down on the floor # My brain is burning inside of my head # Can't speak the word and my face is blue # And I wanna get back to the arms of you # Wanna get back, I gotta get back to my # Speed home California... # Let's split up. No, Jack. You go that way, I'll go this way. Ask if they've seen Scott. Ask if they've seen Scott. OK? Oh, OK. (Yells) Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Have you seen this boy? Have you seen this boy? BOTH: No. CROWD YELLS AND CHEERS Ow! Ow! I'm sorry, you all right? No, I'm not all right. Will you get it off? It was an accident. Ow, my nose, ow! All right, I'm sorry. DALE ON MICROPHONE: Hello? Have you seen a young man named Scott? He's my son. Perfect. Have you seen this boy? # See you here, me not at all # Set you up to watch you fall # Least I feel the starting of the end... # Catch this party animal! (Screams) # Speed home California Speed home California # Speed home Speed home # Speed home California... # Oh, Jack! Oh, Jack. Stop it. CROWD YELLS AND CHEERS Nikki! That's him! That's Scott! My boy! Get security. # Can't take this any more # Got my head down on the floor # My brain is burning inside of my head... # Turn around, guys. Oh, no. Mr Humungous, we must see that boy. Turn around. Private area. Make it a semi-private area. I really must get back there. Don't make me hurt you, old man. Old man? Old man. (Both laugh) Let me tell you something. What's that? Let's go. What? Let's go. Come on. Oh, my God! Oh, what happened? Oh, Scotty. Everything's all right. I'm here, it's OK. It's not him. Who's this? I don't know. He's over here. Call your father. Come on! OK. Is he all right? We'd better get him up. He's out cold. Attaboy! Oh, this guy's in good shape. Oh, that girl's not for you. Yeah, she's for everybody else. At least we know he ate. Get him out of here. Could catch pneumonia. No, he's OK, Collette. No, I promise. No, I'll tell you all about it when I see you, but what we're gonna do is we're gonna bring him back to the hotel in San Francisco tonight and then we'll bring him home tomorrow. And then, Collette, listen to me, we've got to work this thing out. OK. You're welcome. I'll tell him. 'Bye. She was happy, huh? Oh, yeah. She was happy and relieved. (Scott moans) You know, it's funny. The first time I got drunk was over a girl. Yeah? Yeah. My first suicide attempt was over a girl. Are you joking? You really... No, I used to be somewhat unstable. Oh. What happened? Well, it was in high school, and we were doing a production of 'The King and I'. And my drama teacher, Miss Monaro, stayed late one night to show me that dance that the King does with Anna. Oh... (Both sing) # Shall we dance... (Both hum) # Shall we dance... # (Imitates Yul Brynner) One, two, three. Well, she taught me the dance. Then she showed me a part that was obviously cut from the original. You made it with your high school teacher? Yeah. You know, I gotta tell you, I dunno what you have to be depressed about. You're taking nude pictures of room-mates. You're humping your faculty. Mm-hmm. Your life is something I'd be ashamed to rent. But she dumped me. Oh, yeah? Ah, look, these things happen. TYRES SQUEAL Is there...? There's nobody there. Thank you. Why don't you take a plane in the morning? That'll be too late. I'm his father. I want to be there when he wakes up. If I drive straight through I can just make it. You're still angry at me, aren't you? Actually, I'm just angry at myself. I should've been the one to go after him in the first place. I wanted to give him a chance to come home on his own. And he didn't. I love him. I want him to know it. OK. I should go. For the road. Thanks. Bob, when you see Jack and Dale, tell them how sorry and ashamed I am about what I did. I just didn't think I'd see Scotty again. I'm sorry you couldn't count on me. FUNKY MUSIC Evening, Mr Lawrence. How are you, Andre? Fine. Nice to see you again. I got it. It's OK. I got it. Come on. Oh, wait. Oh. May I help you? We've got it. No, we're fine. You sure? Absolutely. Little man had a big day. Good evening, Charles. Anything we can help you with, Mr Lawrence? (Vomits) Would you send the valet to my room, please? Right away, sir. Thank you. ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES Here we go. Evening. Oh, after you. We'll take the next one. OK. (Scott vomits) (Both yell) Oh! Oh, he's a mess. Yeah. Oh, my God. What? Fungus? Look at his toes! Look at his toes! Hmm. What am I missing? Do you see how the big one bends that way, the little one tucks itself underneath? Uh-huh. You're easily entertained. Oh, really? Entertain this! Huh? What? See, it's a match. We have the same toes! (Laughs) Millions of people have toes like that. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Oh, let's see. No. Take your shoes and socks off. No, I won't. Come on, take them off. Get away. Let's see what you've got there. What are you doing? Come on, take them off! Ow! Ow! I will sue you! Ow! Let me see! (Laughs hysterically) Oh, don't, oh, don't! (Laughs) All right. Oh. Oh, I'm really sorry, Dale. You don't match. No match, you lose, I'm the father. Means nothing. (Sighs) It's not proof. Oh, toe boy. (Whistles) Check this out. What? The whorl. The whorl? The boy has a whorl. Just like I got one. See, that's a whorl. This is a curl, that's a whorl. Do you have a whorl? No. No whorl. You are whorl-less! (Imitates Elvis) Thank you very much. I go to a hairdresser, I get a whorl. (Spanish accent) Really? Mm-hmm. Well, I would tell Jose maybe to add some more hair, OK? Let me ask you something, whorly. OK, but nothing about sports. OK. When did... when did Collette call you? Huh? When did she talk to you about him? Tuesday. Oh, too bad. That's it. I'm the father, you lose. But you leave with some lovely parting gifts. You get all that from Tuesday? Yes. How? Because she saw me on Monday. So? So, I wasn't very cooperative. So then she came to you. I cannot believe you did that with an unconscious child. SHOWER RUNS PHONE RINGS Get the phone! Get the phone! Ow! Excuse me. Hello? Jack. Oh, finally. Where have you been? Er, I was out. Of course you were out! I've been calling all night. I thought you were killed! No, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. I just had something I had to do. Jack! Soap! Where have you been? DALE: Jack, soap! Who is that? No one. No one? Actually, honey, it's a friend. KNOCK AT DOOR I made a new friend. Hello, valet. DALE: I'm hosing him down, Jack! What...what is that noise? That's the shower. You and your friend are showering? No! I'm not in the shower. He's in the shower. And you're watching him? Somebody call for a valet? No, no! Excuse me. I knocked, but you didn't hear me. You need your suit cleaned? Oh! He's so slippery! I'll come back. No. The jacket's on the desk and I'll give you the pants. Honey, hold on, I'm taking my pants off. Don't call me "honey". Not you. Honey, hold on. No, I'm not holding on. Oh, no. Oh, no! Is he OK? Oh, God! CARRIE: Pick up this phone. Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone, Jack! How's everything at the house? All right? CARRIE: What are you talking about? Hello? Oh, Jack. He's gonna blow! What is going... (Scott moans) What was that noise? Carrie, you are confusing me and I'm very tired. Explain to me what is going on there. Honey, it's very complicated, OK? He's soaking wet. Get over here and dry his toe! Honey, I have to go. I have to help him towel off the boy. What boy? 'Bye. That went well. There you go. Did you have to talk all the time? Excuse me, but I was alone! Why couldn't you respect my privacy? I'm trying to clean up our boy! Oh, great. He's weeping now. Now he's weeping. That's just great. Why bother showering him? You could've just wept on him. (Grunts) OK. Oh, no. Oh. God. 15 minutes till I take this deposition. Where the hell is he with my suit? Jack, look at this. That's money. I remember that from when I was single. It's $5,000. I cleaned out his pants and found it in the pockets. $5,000 in cash. What's he doing with $5,000 in cash? He stole it. Why do you leap to the worst possible conclusion? OK, he won it in a hair whorl contest. KNOCK AT DOOR That's my suit. Here's your suit. Great, thank you. Wait! Here. Thank you. Thank you. (Whispers) Hey, I didn't see a thing. Get out of here. Jack, you took $20 of the boy's money. Just $20. I'm gonna keep track of that. OK. So you owe him $20. Jack owes $20. Dale. What? He's getting up. BOTH: Morning. Who are you? I'm Dale Putley. I'm Jack Lawrence. We're... Friends. Right, of your mother. Wh...where am I? San Francisco. The Mark Hopkins Hotel. Beautiful day out there. You had a big night last night. Oh, boy. You were... Where's Nikki? Oh, Sacramento. I wouldn't worry about her. Forget her. Right. What did you do with my clothes? Well, you were very sick... Listen, don't be scared. Look. I want my clothes and I wanna get out of here. Calm down, Scotty, please. You can't keep me, it's illegal. Take it easy, OK? I gotta tell him. I guess so. What? What? Scott, sit down. Please. Come on. We've got a little surprise for you. Come on. Have a seat. Do you mind if I tell him? Fine. Scott... 17 years ago, your mother and I were pedalling through the wine country. It began to rain, it was more of a mist. It was so romantic. I don't have time for the wine country saga right now, OK? Fine. Scott. What I'm about to tell you may sound a little bit... Bizarre. Excuse me. Unusual. Unbelievable, actually. Er, this is the truth as best that we know it. One of us... Either one. I-ther one. Whatever. Sorry. Scott, one of us might be... ..your father. I know, it sounds crazy to us too, but, you see... 17 years ago, we both... Your mother. Mm-hmm. And there's a debate now as to who your... Father is. It's the truth. It's bullshit. No, it's not. You can call your mother. She'll tell you. PHONE RINGS Hello? Your car's here. Yeah. Listen. I have to go. Now? I have a deposition in 15 minutes. What the hell are we going to do? About what? About what? About the fact that I am leaving him alone with you. Why don't you do the old headbutt? Then he'll be sprawled out when you return. Are you going to be OK with him if I leave you? I'm more capable than you think. Where's my money? I got it. Give me my money. I want it now! Back off, Skippy, or I'll call the cops! Hey! Let's just take it easy, OK? I'm sorry. Calm down. OK. All right? (Whispers) Come here. What? Give me the money! As a parent I disagree with your approach. Thank you. Here's the money. No. We're just gonna put it right here, for safekeeping. OK? I have got to go out. And, when I come back, we'll talk about this, we'll get to know each other and it won't be so bad, OK? Order anything you want from room service, it's on me. Whoa! That's a big deal. Hey, Jack. Oh, boy. Morning. Beautiful day, ain't it? Oh, yeah. Perfect, so far. My guy's out with the truck right now. Soon as he gets back, we'll get your car. OK. I gotta call my wife. Any men's room? Use the porta-potty. It's out back. # Ain't it something # Ain't it something # Ain't it something how the way things go? Everything OK? Oh, yeah. # Ain't it something how the way things go? FLIES BUZZ # Ain't it something how the way things go? # Hey! Whoa! No! (Screams) Help! Oh, my God! Help! Whoa! This is not good. Are you OK? No, it's horrible! It was an accident, I swear. I don't care! I'll get help. And then I wrote my medical musical comedy. It was called 'Hello, Doctor, It's Still Swollen'. Catchy, huh? It had a great opening number. It was called 'Hindsight'. And the audience was all out there and we went... (Sings) # Hello, Mr Colon. My prostate's feeling swollen. # I think that things are flowing not so well. # KNOCK AT DOOR Breakfast. # I'm feeling kinda heinous 'cause there's something in my... # Morning. Come on in. Here's your breakfast. Oh, yes, indeed. Mmm, yum, yum. There you go. Let's see what we have here. Belgian waffles, all the way from Brussels. Granola, nature's broom. 15%. But I'm not paying, so $20 tip. Very good, sir. Enjoy. Oh, look. Come on. I saw Mr Dimples. He's trying to make an appearance. Come on. (Sings) # Grey skies are gonna clear up. # Sit on a happy face. # That's the way my mother used to sing it. But that's another story and a lot of therapy. Actually, I am pretty hungry. Thanks for ordering the breakfast. You're welcome. Hey, you probably need it after last night. You want some coffee? Thank you. Aren't you a little gentleman? Ahhh! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Screams in pain) Oh, God! You little shit! May you rot in hell! Ow! Woolite! Ow! Ow! Ahh! Oh, sorry! It's all right. I'll stand. You go. Fine. It's OK. LIFT BELL DINGS Oh, excuse me. Good afternoon. Jack? Jack? WHISTLING Ja... Ah, excuse me? Yeah. Yes. Good morning, how are you? I'm fine. Do you know anything about the man that was in this room? I was paid to keep my mouth shut. Oh, no, I'm his wife. Lady, I don't wanna get in the middle of it, OK? What? The middle of what?! If it's any comfort, I've seen worse. (Whistles a tune) Help! Hold on. I'm coming, pal. OK. Oh, man, does that stink! Get me out! It's terrible in here. Hey, it'd be a lot easier if you'd landed with the door on top. Next time. Oh... Hey, don't worry about it. We've got a wincher out here. We're gonna lift the whole thing right up. Just hurry. I'm trying to help my son. Oh, my God! Is he in there too?! Bring 'em up! Nice and easy. Looking real good. We got it now. OK. (Screams) Oh, God. Oooh. Mr Barmore, when you invested your client's money in this, um... car wash restaurant... Wax and Waffles. Yeah, what about it? Did you inform them it was owned by your brother and that his last three businesses had gone bankrupt? Only one went bankrupt. Excuse me. Two were acts of God. That would be the fire and the enormous gasoline explosion, both in the middle of the night? The fact that they occurred in the middle of the night, that's coincidence. The Lord works in mysterious ways. The sarcasm, is it necessary? KNOCK AT DOOR Yes. I'm sorry but there's someone here says he has to see Mr Lawrence. Who is it? I don't know but he looks a little strange and... ..he's...um... Weeping? That is for me. Excuse me just a second. All right. Why don't we take a break? You're doing great. Jack! (Sighs) What happened? He poured hot coffee all over my (whispers) penis. He took my clothes and he ran away. Don't cry. Now, where is he? I don't know. I don't like you. Don't! OK. Hi. Is Jack Lawrence there? I believe he's taking a deposition. This is his wife. You wanna get me a cab, please? Thanks. What? Reno?! What? What are you talking about?! Why is he going to Reno? I... Would you have that flight information? A rock festival in Reno. I'm psyched. I know. It's awesome. Shouldn't we call Collette? And tell her we lost her son? No! My batteries are dead and I have to talk to Carrie. Use the payphone. All right. I'll be over there. I'll just be a second. Jack... What? I gotta get a new shirt. This one's really... Can I have $20? I'm not a terrorist. I'm his wife. I just want to see if my husband is on the plane. I'm sorry. It's a strict FAA rule. I can't give out that information. All right then, Miss Tweesbury. I'll just buy a ticket for the plane. You have to do that downstairs. Wha...? OK. (Sarcastically) Well, thanks a lot for your help. I really appreciate it. How do I make this flight? It leaves in five minutes. My purse. Are you OK? I'm fine. Are you all right? Yes. I'm OK. Have we met? No, I don't think so. May I just say, if springtime had a face, it would be you. Ah...that's swell. I'm in a hurry. Bless you. It's from one of my longer poems. It's called 'Cupid's Shaft'. Dale. Dale, come on. I just had a vision. Me too. That is a bad shirt. You don't like it? No. What's wrong? It's fine. Come on. Call your wife? Yeah, but she's not there. Besides, what could I tell her? If he's not my son, why bring it up? And if he is my kid... that is not how I want to tell her. You care about her a lot. I can tell. She's great. I love her a lot. She's my favourite wife. It's not even close. I don't wanna screw it up. How come you don't have any children? Well, the first two times I was married, I wasn't ready. Then I thought I was ready, but I wasn't married. And now Carrie and I are married just a year, so it's new, you know? Jack. What? There's something I should tell you. What's that? I'm somewhat of a reluctant flyer. OK. You can go right on board. Thank you. Are you a frequent flyer? (Chants) Because there's a new mileage deal in here. You can apply today for Mileage Plus and you can get a credit card and you get a free mile with every dollar that you charge. I think that's a great deal. Oh, God. That's a very good deal, actually. Sir, take a big sip of this. Thank you. You'll be all right. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Turn around. Come on, turn around. It's a miracle that you didn't get really hurt. That went down like a... You know, I should call my wife. Wait a minute. Let me just get your ear there. You got something in there you really don't want in there. Whoa! Oh, here. It'll be all right. Whoo! Hey, Scotty. I thought we lost you. No, I just had some stuff to do. Have you seen Nikki around? Yeah, we're all crashed in 215. She's up there right now? Yeah. I really wanted to surprise her. Could I borrow your key? Yeah, all right. Thanks. Oh...Matt and Lee are looking for you. They're here? Ooh, yeah. Come on, man. He's not here. Open the door, man! Nikki? Yeah. In here. Hey. Hey. I made it. I thought maybe you went home, or something. No, um... Nikki, what's going on? What do you mean? I mean with you and Mark. I don't know. Do you still like me? Yeah, Scott. I got you something. What is it? Open it. Wow. Cool. They're real diamonds. I thought it might look nice on you. It cost $4,700. Whoa. Let's do it. Please. Come on. Please. Please. Oh, come on. Back off! I'm playing that one too. OK. I know the hotel where the band is staying. I got directions. We can be there in five minutes. Yeah, yeah. Hello? We're looking for a kid, remember? Oh, yeah. Where'd you get this outfit? What? I lent you $200 and look at you! You look like Howdy Doody. What is this? It only cost $110, Jack. Where's my change? It's in one of these machines. You put my money in these machines?! Yeah. Oooh... Dale. Damn you! Jack, there's gotta be a blood bank open somewhere. They give cash, don't they? Let's go. OK. Hey, guys. OMINOUS MUSIC Hello, Snot. Surprised to see us, Snot? No. I think you are, mate. No, I was coming to look for you. Oh, really? Listen, Scott... where's the stuff? The stuff? The stuff. Look...we gave you a simple job. I mean, any moron could do it, even Matt here. MATT: Even me. Yeah. In fact, you asked for the job. So, where's the stuff? The guy, he didn't show up. Oh, no. See, he called. And YOU didn't show up. No, I waited. Let's go over it. I was supposed to stand right by... All right. You didn't get the stuff, huh? So, where's the money? The money is... Our money! The $5,000. Where is it? It's safe... It's in a safe. It's in a safe? At the hotel where I'm staying. It's by the airport. I'll go get it. Oh, really? Excuse me, but do I have 'asshole' tattooed on my forehead? No. All right, then. I think we all better go get it. Yeah. Yeah? Like a date. Yeah. You're not bullshitting us, are you, Scotty? 'Cause if you're bullshitting us, I'm gonna kill you. Hey! FAST-PACED CHASE MUSIC Get back here! Get back here! TYRES SCREECH I see this all the time. He's a rich kid running wild. Probably got an expensive car, running around town. No discipline. Bob gives him no control. Now Bob has no kid. Oh, I think it's probably exactly the opposite. Really? The kid needs compassion. He needs attention. He needs a big hug. You know what this kid needs? What? What this kid needs is a great big... Ahh! I hit someone. Yeah. It's not at all like I'd imagined it. Oh, God. It's Scott! (Groans) My arm... Scott, are you all right? Are you OK? Please call 911! Calm down! You hit our son! It was an accident! Shut up! Did you call the hotel in San Francisco? Well, no, they must be driving back. No, I'm sure he's fine. (Sniffs) No, I'm OK. I'm all right. No, I'm driving back right now. Mm-hmm. (Gags) No, I...I love you, honey. OK. He's gonna kill us. Oh, God. Did you fix the tyres? Yeah, well, we fixed the tyres. Well... What? Well, he cracked the axle when he towed the car back. Don't worry. We can fix it in a day or so...maybe. He's fine. A simple break. The doctor gave him a prescription in case there's any pain. He's in there. You can go in. Thanks a lot. I didn't... I didn't... It's been a long day. So... Yeah. I'm... How you feeling? (Angrily) Thanks! Scott, hey! Come over here. Scott! Hey, Scott! Scott! Scott, I'm sorry. You ran me over! It was an accident! It was! I know you both might be my father but just leave me alone! What the hell was my mother, anyway? Some kind of whore? Watch your mouth! Your mother was somebody we both cared about. And she cares a lot about you. You know how lucky you are to have that? Maybe. But you have no idea what my father's like. So, tell us. Yeah, Nikki's the first girl I ever loved. My father doesn't care. He wouldn't let me see her any more. He says she's bad news, she's a tramp. He says he's putting his foot down, blah, blah. He never lets me explain. It's like for absolutely no reason he'll just take my car away. You have a car? Yeah. Scott, your father is Mr Rogers. Now, you wanna hear a father story? Here comes the lecture. No lecture. Just a true story. On my 10th birthday my father takes me downtown to go to the circus. Oh, what a great story. On the way downtown we drop my dog off at the vet. So we go to the circus and we have a great time. I come home and I go, "Hey, where's Skippy?" They go, "We had to put him to sleep." And I said, "You mean he's dead? "You killed my dog?" And he said, "He was sick. That's why we brought him to the vet." And I said, "Why did you have to do it on my birthday?" And he said, "It was on the way." Hmm? What's the point? What IS the point? The point... The point is that parents screw up sometimes and that they don't mean it and that they make mistakes because they're human beings. Doesn't mean they don't love you. Doesn't mean they don't care. It just means that, ah... they're doing the best they can. You know? I can't eat any more of this. Don't worry. I didn't understand the story either. What about the Rolling Stones? They're old. How about Zeppelin? They had a nice logo. Jimi Hendrix, come on! He was good but he's dead. Speaking of bad music... FUNKY MUSIC Bad? No, you can't do it. This was my band. You can have your Sugar Ray. Sly and the Family Stone! This was the band I followed around. Oh, feel that? Jack's gonna funk. (Sings) # I want to, I want to... # Uh-oh! Watch out! It's Deney Terrio's attorney dance party! Get down and depose! The worst dancing I've ever seen. Everybody I know dances like this. You gotta wiggle your ass listening to Sly. Wait a minute. Uh-oh. I got my mojo. Funk is coming. Oh! Watch out now! Funky chicken! HEY! HEY! HEY! In high school I had an afro this big. I don't believe you. I looked like Buckwheat in a wind tunnel. I once shaved my head and glued the hair to my ass. BOTH: Why? Well, two special brownies and a quart of tequila. Ah! Yeah. So you two, you were like... you were like freaks? BOTH: Oh, yeah. I was so stoned once, everyone sounded like Johnny Mathis. (Imitates Johnny Mathis) When you're young you do some things that, er... ..you're not that proud of, you know? We even got in a lot of trouble sometimes. You know? Truth is I'm in a lot of trouble myself. Does it have to do with $5,000? Scotty, we're not here to judge. Come on, tell us. I stole that money. OK... From drug dealers. What, are you nuts? Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Yelling like that doesn't do anybody any good. Just relax. Sorry. So you give it back to them. I spent it. You spent it?! He spent the money from drug dealers! That's not the way. Breathe. You said I could talk to you. All right. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you, come to your house, take your money, then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a couple of times. Right. Listen, let me talk to them. OK? I do this kind of thing all the time. All right? Why are you trying to help me? We're your fathers. Come on. SONG: # Never had to knock on wood # But I know someone who has # Which makes me wonder if I could # It makes me wonder if I never had to knock on wood... # Let's do this! I'm getting this guy! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where are you going, Speedy? Kick some ass! There will be no ass-kicking. Let's go. Come on. What are you doing? Coming with you. You're not coming. I am. No, you're not. They're crazy! Get in the car. Get in the car. OK. I need water. I'll get you some water. Listen. The phone is right there. Call your mother. Tell her you're OK, that you're coming home. All right? All right. Thanks. We're gonna kick some ass, Jack! Get in the car. Now! OK, you ready, buddy? Listen, this is gonna work. OK. Calm down. Calm down. OMINOUS MUSIC Calm down. All right. POUNDING MUSIC Jack! Jack! No! Open the door! Scheming little...! Jack! What's going on? They're not in the hotel. He's gone. In what sense? He stole my rental car and left. I've never felt this stupid in my life! You've never been a parent before. Man! Dale, this is way too much trouble. I can't do this. I have a life. You're not giving up? Dale, good luck. I mean that. I'm sorry. I gotta call my wife and tell her I'm coming home. Jack, I know we've had a few setbacks but we're great together. Come on! You'll never know if he's your son. I don't even care. Yeah, you do. Don't care. Yeah, you do. Stop it. Machine again! She's never home! Why have a house if you're not going to live in it? Hi, honey. Hi. Oh, you're there! Carrie, listen. Let me explain everything. Yeah. Go ahead. Hi. I got to go now, honey, 'cause you're here. Ignore that message when you get home. This is your wife? It's you! Hi. You know him? He tried to pick me up. When? This morning. You were with me. You were on the phone. You picked up on my wife? I just thought she was a sexy woman. Watch that! This is your friend? Yes. Your shower buddy? Yes. No! We weren't in the shower together. The boy and I were. Soaping him up... Hosing him off... And I was just watching. That's all. What boy? 17 years ago... Would you stop? Can I just have a private moment with my wife? Sorry. Carrie, come here. Um... This whole thing... ..is about a boy... ..that I might be the father of. OK, listen. There's a cab. Taxi? Sorry if I've ruined your life. No, you haven't. He wanted to come home. I kept pushing. It's all right, really. Don't worry. It's not his fault. OK. Really it isn't. Thanks. Take it easy. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Carrie, I'll just be a second. Even if you find him, he'll only spit in your face. Maybe. How's that gonna make you feel, Dale? You're very successful. So? Your wife, your success, they fill up areas. What I'm trying to say is... I need this kid. If he doesn't want me around, let him turn me down. Good luck, Dale. Thanks, Jack. Taxi! Taxi! ROCK MUSIC BLASTS OUT SONG: # You don't want to leave, don't want to go... # Scott! # I believe you, baby, I don't know why # I believe you, baby, now I know... # My car's there, so you go home and I'll follow. We can work it out. You can't be mad that I had sex with this woman 17 years ago. You were 14 years old. You have a picture? Of her? No. Of the boy, Jack. Yeah. He's...he's handsome. I guess, but this kid is a pain in the ass. He's so damn annoying. You don't like anything that's annoying. Who does? No, I mean that's a really special thing for you. Give me a break. I've had a hard day. You've had a hard day? Why should I give you a break? 'Cause I don't want this conversation again. We've never had this conversation. WE haven't had this conversation, but I have. This is the Wives of Christmas Past conversation. Would you leave Penelope and Tallulah out of this? Iris and Debbie. Whatever. Why are you so upset? Because I want to have kids with you someday. What if this was our son? You'd give up on him because he was annoying? His own father gave up on him. So what? That's the guy who raised him. All I am is the guy who... you know... ..slept with his mother. The other guy who slept with his mother is still looking for him. Dale? Dale is a desperate person with an empty life. He's not happy like me. Badge? Badge. (Laughs) No, you don't understand. I belong back there. Please, I just have to get back there now. Do you know who you're talking to? Do you know who I am?! Who are you? Dale Putley. OK? And who are you?! I'm Bob. Bob?! If you don't let me back there, heads will roll. It'll probably be yours, OK? You need a badge. I am the cowboy with the Village People, Bob! If I don't get back there, it's gonna be 'Y-M-A'. OK? So, Bob, let me back there, All right?! You're not getting in without a badge. OK. A badge. Where can I get a badge? Jack! OK. Let's get in there, all right? Here's my badge, Bob! Hey, guys, listen. The Muffs are off in 10 minutes. We should be setting up in five. That's the band. Oh. OK. Follow me. What are we gonna do? Hello, boys. How are ya?! Excuse me. Can I help you? Excuse ME. That's very funny. I love when it's funny. How can I help you? You can say hello to the biggest record producer this side of L.A. This is...ah, Gunther...Uber...Allen. From Deutsch Be-Bop. (German accent) Ja. Biggest record producer in Europe. Numero eins. So, say hi to the guys. This is Sugar Ray. Sugar Ray? Oh, the Wunderkinder. Boys in the Bund. We met before. Dusseldorf, maybe. How are you? What's up? Hi, how are you. Give me a heil five... Oh, that's how it starts. I love you mit der hitting with the stomping with head slamming. Who does this guy record? Oh, biggest producer in Germany. Records... (Speaks gibberish) Oh, ens Gunther ehre so ware eine Mercedes und eine Volkswagen und eine Kunz wieder, eine Chevy, eine Audi van und ein Sierra. The Cars. Der war untersehen. Et la Kunze wieden ehre nu lu fun ein Frikandze der grosse Frauen mit der Herren, weiden Sie? wid de hair, das ich hatte? Big Hairy Women. Ja, Amerika. Boys To Women. I have heard about those guys. Excuse me. No, but if we help you, we could take Europe! We'll take Europe in...? One month. One month. With air support. Airplay. Airplay. We could do that for you. You can have the world! Time to go. Let's go. Not here. He's not here? Where is he? I dunno. Stick with the girl. He'll be back. Nikki. I need that pin back. What pin? I'm sorry, Nikki... Not now, Scott. JACK: Scott! Leave me alone! I need that pin! What's wrong? Why'd you steal the car? You're not going home? The keys. The car's in the lot. Nikki, can't we talk? Not now. I'm gonna dance on stage. Hey, everybody's tired of you. Enough. Will you stop this? This has gone on long enough. Nikki, can you do me a favour... ..and explain to Scott what is painfully obvious to everybody but him? OK. Thanks. It's none of your business. Maybe, but you need to hear this. Nikki, he won't believe it unless you tell him yourself. OK. Well, Scotty. You're boring. I liked you for a while but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick. That was lovely. Yes. Hallmark is waiting for you. Thank you. Scott. Scott. She's not for you, son. I'm a loser. Scott, come on, you're 16. To be a true loser takes years of dedicated ineptitude. Trust me. OMINOUS MUSIC I know the truth hurts. What else hurts is I trusted him and then he steals the car. Jack... Look, I didn't steal it. I don't wanna talk about it right now, OK? Oh, no. No, no, no. Get him out of here. This man has a major mime issue. I'll hang you, you white-faced creep. Stop it! Why don't you get a real job?! Build a real wall. Stop it. Scott? Scotty?! Jack! Jack! Jack, no! We lost the boy! Where'd he go?! Oh, get out of here! All right. We're not good at this. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS You go that way, I'll go this way. OK. Scott?! Yeah. I thought you were somebody else. I'm Scott. Hi. Hey, you want something? Want a nose ring, piercing? No, thanks. Another time. All right. Does that hurt? Not the ones in the face. Ugh... The one that really hurt was... Yeah, I bet. Scott! ROCK BAND PLAYS Let go! Come on. Let's take a little walk. Scott! Is there a problem? Piss off. Who are you? I'm Scott's father. Has he done something wrong? Yeah, he has, actually. He stole $5,000 from me. He did? Yeah. I assure you he'll be properly punished. Young man! Stealing money from drug dealers! You are grounded! Just get lost, you wanker. Gentlemen, have we learned nothing from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love. No, all we need is money, mate. Ahh! (Mutters) Oh, it's you again. You're dead, mate. No, you are. Oh, boy. You're doing it wrong. I noticed. The power comes from your back. Watch. Like this. See? Let me show you again. Ohh. Ohh. # Never had to knock on wood # But I know someone who has # Which makes me wonder if I could Let's go, boys! I'll kick your ass! # Never had to knock on wood # And I'm glad I haven't yet # Because I'm sure it isn't good # That's the impression that I get... # (Sighs) Listen, Calvin, thanks for going so far out of your way. It's really above and beyond the call. Whoa, look at this place. You must have robbed a bank at some time. Scotty's probably home. I'm nervous about what to say to him. Can I give you some advice? Yeah. All right. Stop being so stiff, OK? Lighten up and take that pickle out of your butt, boy. OK. (Laughs) Listen, it's not enough to love 'em. You gotta show 'em you love 'em. Give 'em a big old bear hug. All right? Listen, Calvin. Thank you. All right. OK. Take care of yourself. I will. Listen, I'll call you. You got my number. You got it. This is for my fine. This is for his fine. This is for the boy's fine. This is for getting the car out of the impound. This is for the fabulous breakfast buffet. Should eggs make noise when you eat them? Very funny. Here's your claim check for your car. Stay out of trouble. Yes, sir. Thanks. See you next year at the reunion. I go away to make a phone call and you buy him this T-shirt? Look at this! What's the big deal? He wanted it. You're gonna spoil him. One T-shirt's gonna spoil him? Fine. I like it. What's the matter? I'm afraid of flying. Give me a minute. No, no, no. This is not exactly DNA evidence. Maybe. Come on. You'll be fine. Let's go. Come. Don't be afraid, Scotty. It's OK. It's just a couple of bumps, Scotty. You're doing great. It's OK. Breathe. There you go. Just breathe. Thank you. That's OK. GENTLE MUSIC (Rings doorbell) Hey, your shoe's untied. I got it. I got it. It's hard with one hand. There you go. Scott! Hi, Dad. Come in, man, come in. Are you OK? Yeah. Everything all right? Huh? Really? You all right? Really, you OK? We were kinda worried...come here. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry. Bob. Jack Lawrence, Bob. Dale Putley. Come on in, make yourselves at home. Your mom's in the back. Nice home. What happened to your arm? A little accident. Well, you won't believe what happened to me. MELLOW MUSIC Wow. Bright. What colour yellow is this? Baby! Oh, sweetheart! Oh, Scott. Oh. Nice family. Yeah. JACK AND DALE: Aaah. He's such a cute baby. Look at this little cowboy hat, huh? I love this one. I want to take that. You can't. It belongs to them. Yeah, you're right. Look at that. Do you understand the situation? Yeah, you told them both that they were my father so that they'd come look for me, right? Right. I lied to them. Well, your mother - both of us - wanted you back so badly... I understand. I think it's time I told them the truth. Would you guys mind if I told them? You? Well, I guess I'm the reason that everything happened. Right? PIANO KEYS TINKLE Where's, er, Jack? In the den, calling his office. You OK? Everything all right? Yeah. Yeah, I just... I just talked to my mom. Oh, you did? Yeah. She told me who my real father is. Who is it? She says it's you. (Whispers) Really? She says she's sure. Oh, God. Come here. Oh. Oh! I knew the whorl... Shh! We should be quiet. I'm worried about Jack. Oh, yeah. You're right, you're right. We shouldn't tell him. You know, it'll break his heart. He seems tough, but he's so fragile. Yeah. It'll be our little secret. OK? Yeah. You know, I was thinking, maybe in a few years I'll come to Berkeley. Oh, yes, son. Yeah! Hey. Take photography. Photography? Well, I just called my office and good news - everything went bad without me. (Laughs) It's not that funny. Oh, no, it isn't. I'm going to go call the airport, see when the next flight to San Francisco is. What's with him? He just told me a funny story. (Chuckles) Oh, yeah. So, you know, I was talking to my mom before. Oh, yeah? She told me who my real father is. Who? You. Me? Wow. Dale, I'm so happy. Thank you, Collette. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Listen, Jack, I really, really appreciate everything you've done. He told me. Scotty. (Laughs) Jack, thank you. You're welcome. (Both laugh) Oh, boy! OK, see ya. Scott! 'Bye. So, why don't you come on in and relax, have a drink or you can take a swim if you want? That's very sweet of you, Jack, but I'll come in, call a cab and head to the airport, OK? Oh, OK. You know what? Take my car. Giving me your car, Jack, that's so Elvis of you. Not to keep. No? No, to take to the airport. Oh. Put it in the overnight valet and one of my interns will get it. Here. You're sure you want ME driving this car? I mean, Jack... It's just a thing. Yeah. It's a car. A car. It's just a classic, irreplaceable car, that's all... What's this dent? Where? You mirth machine, you. (Sighs) Ah, boy. Thanks, Jack. We did good. Yeah, we did. (Whispers) Yeah. Jack? Oh, Jack, let it out. It's so healthy, Jack. It's a breakthrough. (Laughs) No. No, I'm cocking around with you. This is what you look like, you weepy bastard. (Both laugh) Oh, Jack. Oh, I love you! Please, my sternum. (Dale laughs) Oh, Jack! CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER CAR ENGINE SPLUTTERS JACK: No, a little less gas. It's not going anywhere, Jack. Yeah, the brake's on. OK. Just go that way. OK, it's all under control. Ease off the clutch, won't get that burning smell. OK. TYRES SQUEAL It's fine. Don't worry. I'm not worried at all. I got it. TYRES SQUEAL, ENGINE REVS I'm an idiot. I'm a big schmuck. Hi. You loaned Dale your Jaguar? Yeah. Hi. Hi. Jack... Jack, how did it go? Scott told me I'm his father. Oh, wow. Yeah, and I feel good. I feel terrific. It's...it's amazing. Yeah, it's wonderful news. He was lying to me, but I still feel great. Wait, wait. What? Oh, right to my face. Big time lie. How do you know? Honey, I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time. Oh, yeah. He's a sweet kid. He lied to me because he wanted me to feel good. And I did. Just the idea of being somebody's father made me feel wonderful. Yeah? So here's what I'm thinking. For the next one, I'd like to be there from the beginning. Well, would I be involved this time? Oh, I hope so. I mean from the beginning. (Hums) (Hums a drumroll) Oh, Houston, we have a problem. Mayday. Hi. Hi. Car problem? Yeah. Oh. Phew. Maybe I can be of assistance. Do you know anything about cars? Oh, yeah. Somewhat of an expert on cars. Terrific. What do you think? This one's not working. It's a rental. I'm on my way to the airport and I'm late. I'm going to the airport. I have a 4:00 flight to San Francisco. That's my flight. Really? Yeah, United. 321? Right. Oh, me too. How richly bizarre. There we go. I'm at your service. It's a beautiful car. Thanks. I just got it. There you go. Everybody in? Hi. Oh, I'm Virginia Farrell. Dale Putley. Hi. Will anybody be meeting you at the airport, like a husband? No, I'm not married. Oh. Me neither. Do you have a boyfriend? Nope. Me neither. Have you ever been to the wine country? No, I've always wanted to go. Really? (Laughs) Oh, yes! PHONE RINGS Jack? Yeah? Guess who? Oh. You know how I hate flying? Where are you? I'm somewhere on the coast highway, Jack. Somewhere? You shouldn't be anywhere near the coast highway! I'm driving to San Francisco. In my car? No way! I gotta do this, Jack. No, you don't. The road is calling me. I was born to be wild. No, you aren't, Dale. No wild. SONG: # I saw you swaying to the rhythm of the music # Caught you playing # Caught you praying to the voice inside you # I saw you swaying there # I don't care what you want to be # I go back so far I'm in front of me # It doesn't matter what they say # They're giving the game away # Hey, hey # I can see the world tonight # Look into the future # See it in a different light # I can see the world tonight # I heard you listening to a secret conversation # You were crying # You were trying not to let them hear you # I heard you listening in # Never mind what they want to do # You've got a right to your point of view # It doesn't matter what they say # They're giving the game away # Hey, hey # I can see the world tonight # Look into the future # See it in a different light # I can see the world tonight... # www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captioning NZ 2002 # I can see the world tonight # I can see the world tonight # Look into the future # See it in a different light # I can see the world tonight # Look into the future. #