1 (TYRES SCREECH) D-OHH! (SCREAMS) CAPTIONED BY MEDIA ACCESS GROUP AT WGBH. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2016 (MURMURING VOICES) WHERE'S REVEREND LOVEJOY? HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE FOR CHRISTMAS SERVICE. MAYBE HE'S CHEATING ON US WITH THE EPISCOPALIANS. LOOK AT 'EM, WITH THEIR BRIGHT, AIRY NARTHEX AND LIGHT, FLAKY EUCHARIST. I WOULDN'T MIND DIPPING MY HAND IN THEIR FONT. ("JINGLE BELL ROCK" RING TONE PLAYS) CHRIST IS BORN; WHO'S ON MY HORN? BAD NEWS, NED. THERE'S BEEN A HORRIBLE TRAIN WRECK. SO MANY LITTLE PLASTIC CHRISTMASES RUINED. (GASPS) YOU WANT ME TO DELIVER THE CHRISTMAS SERMON? OH! I FEEL LIKE I'M BORN AGAIN AGAIN! DON'T BE NERVOUS, NED. YOU'VE PRACTISED THIS SO MANY TIMES IN THE SHOWER. AAH! PAPER CUT! OOH... NOW THERE'S NO ONE TO DELIVER THE SERMON. DID ANYONE ORDER A HERO? (HUMMING NONCHALANTLY) MMM! (CLEARS THROAT) OKAY, CHRISTMAS... CHRISTMAS... YOU KNOW HOW YOUR PAPER BOY ALWAYS SENDS YOU A CHRISTMAS CARD WITH HIS HOME ADDRESS ON IT? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? PAPER BOY: I WANTED YOU TO TIP ME! NO TIP TILL THEY BRING BACK HAGAR THE HORRIBLE. THAT'S NOT MY DECISION. OH, IT'S NEVER ANYBODY'S DECISION. ANYWHO... I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL A LITTLE STORY I CALL "THE FIRST CHRISTMAS." (MURMURING) I, FOR ONE, AM DYING TO HEAR IT. A CARPENTER NAMED JOSEPH WAS ABOUT TO GET SOME FRANKLY PREPOSTEROUS NEWS. UH, JOSEPH, YOU KNOW I HAVE NEVER LAIN WITH A MAN. (SCOFFS) TELL ME ABOUT IT. AND YET, I AM WITH CHILD. A PREGNANT VIRGIN?! THAT'S EVERY MAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE. (ANGELIC CHOIR CHANTS) HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE. THAT'S NOT ALL SHE'S FULL OF. QUIET, YOU. MARY, YOU CARRY IN YOUR WOMB THE SON OF GOD, WHO WILL GROW UP TO BECOME KING OF THE JEWS. SO, NOT A DOCTOR... WELL, HE WILL BE ABLE TO HEAL THE SICK. BUT NOTHING TO HANG ON THE WALL. (GROANS) KING HEROD, WE THREE WISE MEN COME BEARING GIFTS FOR THE KING OF THE JEWS. WE BRING GOLD... FRANKINCENSE... AND MYRRH, WHICH I AM RE-GIFTING, 'CAUSE WHO NEEDS MYRRH? HERE'S THE TAG. THANK YOU. WHICH ONE SHOULD I OPEN FIRST? ALL: HMM... (CHUCKLES) THIS IS AWKWARD. UH... THE KING OF THE JEWS WE SEEK IS, UH, A NEWBORN CHILD. FIND THIS PRETENDER TO MY THRONE AND BRING HIM TO ME. UH, NOW YOU WOULDN'T HURT THE LITTLE BOYCHIK. OF COURSE NOT. KINGS DON'T HURT BABIES. GIANT POINTY SWORDS HURT BABIES. (STAMMERING) GOOD KING HEROD! EXCEPT YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE THE "GOOD," SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE, REALLY, THEN? NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY. I GOT PLENTY OF ROOMS AT MY INN. ALL WITH BRAND-NEW CARPETING. I THINK MY WATER JUST BROKE! YOU CAN HAVE THE BARN. FEEL FREE TO COME BY THE MAIN HOUSE FOR BREAKFAST. THERE WON'T BE ANY. (SHARP, RHYTHMIC BREATHS) (CATTLE LOWS) JUST KEEP PUSHING, SWEETIE. THE DOCTOR WILL BE HERE ANY SECOND. SHALOM, EVERYBODY. I'VE GOT SOME VERY GOOD NEWS. CAESAR JUST INVENTED THE CAESAREAN. GET HIM OUT OF HERE! ("SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING) I KNEW I'D LIKE HIM, BUT I NEVER DREAMED I'D ADORE HIM. I'VE GOT THE MESSIAH'S NOSE. I'VE GOT THE MESSIAH'S NOSE. GIVE IT BACK. GIVE IT BACK. HE'LL KILL US ALL! (CHUCKLES) HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD. NOT YOU! OH! I'M NOT THE FATHER, I'M NOT A WISE MAN, I'M NOTHING. THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER. HMM... MAYBE A LITTLE TOOT OFF THE OLD WINE SKIN'LL CHEER ME UP. (BOINGING) OH! MY WINE TURNED INTO WATER! WHO COULD HAVE PERFORMED SUCH A CRUEL MIRACLE? (CHUCKLING) WHY, YOU LITTLE...! (THUNDER RUMBLING) JOSEPH, NO! HE HAS TO STAY ALIVE TILL HE'S 33, WHEN HE'LL BE RENOUNCED BY HIS FRIENDS AND CRUCIFIED. HUH?! SORRY, KID. (BABY CRYING) OH! ANYTIME ANYONE SUFFERS IN THE WORLD, HE STARTS CRYING AGAIN. CAN YOU DO SOMETHING? ME? BUT I'M WATCHING THE ORANGE BOWL. NOW! (CRYING) OW! (CHUCKLING) (BLEATING) OH! (CHUCKLING CONTINUES) HMM... YOU LIKE PHYSICAL COMEDY, EH? NYUK, NYUK, NYUK, NYUK... A... WISE MAN, EH? PICK TWO! (BOINGING) OH! (LAUGHING) WHY, I OUGHTA... HMM... HMM... HMM... NOW, HOLD STILL. (GROANS) (LAUGHS, THEN YAWNS) OH... I THINK THIS NON-TRADITIONAL HOUSEHOLD JUST MIGHT MAKE IT. (SIGHS) JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH-- WE GOT A GREAT FAMILY. NOW, LET'S GET SOME SLEEP. HEROD IS COMING FOR THE CHILD. MANGER DANGER! MANGER DANGER! (LOUD GRUNTING) THE KID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS IN THERE. THE OTHER TENANTS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THE INCESSANT SWADDLING-- ALL HOURS, DAY AND NIGHT. UH, GEE, CHIEF, I FEEL PRETTY BAD-- TRYING TO TAKE OUT A BABY. OH, DON'T WORRY, BOYS. NO ONE WILL EVER SPEAK OR WRITE OF THIS AGAIN. WHAT A BOFFO BEGINNING FOR MY BOOK! (LOUD GRUNT) THERE THEY ARE. I SEE HIS HEAD NEARLY. FOLLOW THAT GLOW! (SHOUTING) (QUACKING) THEY PUT HIS HALO ON A DUCK. THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? WELL, HE DOES HAVE A HALO. HAIL, QUACKIE! (THUNDEROUS RUMBLING) (HONKS) THAT OUGHT TO SPRUCE THINGS UP. (ALL YELLING) (HONKING) (GASPING) WHAT A BEAUTIFUL HANUKKAH BUSH! I SAY WE CALL IT A "CHRISTMAS TREE." AW... A CHRISTMAS TREE... WHAT A GREAT NAME. MAKES YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY. (MOANING AND GROANING) AND DID YOU KNOW... THAT LITTLE BABY JESUS GREW UP TO BE... JESUS? (GASPING AND MURMURING) I KNOW. IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T IT? 1 ("DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: COMING UP NEXT: THE ENERGIZER BUNNY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. AH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO RUN DOWN. I MUST BE LOW ON CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE USING REGULAR BATTERIES. YOU FORGOT ABOUT ENERGIZER ULTRA! NOW LET ME CRAWL INSIDE YOU. (SCREAMS) COLD... SO COLD. (CLATTERING) (GASPS) IT'S SANTA! (SCREAMING) GRANDPA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CHIMNEY? TRYING TO KILL SANTA. WHAT'S IT TO YA?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SANTA? HE SCREWED ME OVER BACK IN WWII! I WAS A NAVY PILOT IN THE PACIFIC. OH, BART, WHY'D YOU ASK HIM A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION? IT JUST SLIPPED OUT! YEP, I WAS A NAVY PILOT IN THE PACIFIC, ALONG WITH MY BIG BROTHER CYRUS. CYRUS? YOU NEVER MENTIONED HIM BEFORE. AND I'LL NEVER MENTION HIM AGAIN, BUT I LOVED HIM ALL THE SAME. OKAY, ABE, LET'S WIN THIS WAR QUICK, SO WE CAN GO HOME AND SLOWLY GIVE BLACK FOLKS MORE RIGHTS. (SIREN BLARES) KAMIKAZES AT TWO O'CLOCK! WELL, I DON'T USUALLY DRINK AFTER LUNCH, BUT... OH, MY GOD! THE SKY IS FULL OF THAT KIND OF PLANE THAT CRASHES INTO THE BOAT! CYRUS, YOU BE CAREFUL UP THERE. NAH, I'M NOT WORRIED, NOT AS LONG AS I HAVE MY GOOD LUCK CHARM. ("AMERICAN PATROL" BY GLENN MILLER PLAYING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) GOOD THING I STOLE TWO OF THESE OFF DEAD SOLDIERS. LIEUTENANT, RADIO MY BROTHER AND TELL HIM TO WATCH HIS TAIL! QUIET, YOU. I'M TALKING TO MY BEST GAL. I MISS YOU, TOO, BERNADETTE. YOU HANG UP FIRST. NO... YOU HANG UP FIRST. NO. YOU HANG UP FIRST. NO! YOU HANG UP FIRST. (MURMURS ANGRILY) CYRUS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU HAIKU-SPOUTING SAVAGES! GRANDPA: I WISH I TRIED REEFER! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) QUIT LOLLYGAGGING AND BUILD A FIRE! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU. ON THIS ISLAND, MILITARY RANK MEANS NOTHING. WE'RE IN A STATE OF NATURE WHERE THE STRONG OF WILL CONTROL THE WEAK. (SPITS) HOW DARE YOU DROWN THE KING OF NEW BURNS ISLAND! (SPITS) HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE THE ARCHDUKE IN CHARGE OF COCONUTS? NO! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! GRANDPA: DAYS TURNED TO WEEKS. WEEKS TURNED TO MONTHS. MONTHS TURNED BACK TO DAYS. EVEN BURNS WAS STARTING TO LOOK GOOD TO ME. HEY, SAILOR, MY EYES ARE UP HERE. BY CHRISTMAS EVE, OUR HOPES OF RESCUE WERE FADING. YOU KNOW, SIMPSON, WE'VE HAD OUR DUSTUPS, SO I'VE MADE YOU A LITTLE PEACE OFFERING. A SHAVING KIT? IS THIS POMADE? OH, IT'S NOTHING REALLY, JUST SEAGULL BRAINS AND SNAIL GOO. THANKS, LIEUTENANT. MERRY CHRISTMAS. (JET ROARS) INCOMING! IS IT ONE OF OURS? WHO CARES? IT'S CHRISTMAS. I WANT TO SHOOT SOMETHING. WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE TENNESSEE VALLEY AUTHORITY? DONDER! BLITZEN! HE'S GERMAN. THAT'S GOOD EATIN'. YOU USELESS WASTE OF SOCKS! THAT AIN'T NO KRAUT! WE JUST SHOT DOWN SANTY CLAUS! OH, THANK YOU, BOYS. I GUESS I MUST HAVE RUN INTO A SUDDEN STORM. YES, YES. EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO YOU. MY SLEIGH! IT'S RUINED! WELL, WE'LL GET YOU UP AND RUNNING, OR MY NAME AIN'T YOUNG GRANDPA SIMPSON! ("SING, SING, SING" BY BENNY GOODMAN PLAYS) BOYS, I'M ALMOST READY. I'M JUST MISSING PRANCER... AND RUDOLPH. (HISSES AND RATTLES) AND NOW TO BRING JOY TO BOYS AND GIRLS AROUND THE WORLD. HO! HO! HA... OW! DAMN IT! SORRY, CHUCKLES, CHANGE OF PLAN. THIS SLEIGH IS MY TICKET OFF THIS HELLHOLE. AND I'M KEEPING ALL THE TOYS FOR MYSELF! BECAUSE, AT HEART, I'M JUST A VERY WICKED CHILD. YAH! YOU BACKSTABBER! AND I LET YOU SPOON ME. (EXHALING) (EXHALING) LET'S GO, YOU FLYING HAT RACK! (SPUTTERING ENGINE NOISES) (ROAR OF DIVING PLANE) COME ON, BABY! (GROWLS) OW! OW! (TOY MALLET SQUEAKS) (GRUNTS) SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE BEAT YOU WITH A TRICYCLE YEARS AGO! THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, ABE. AND NOW I'M OFF. I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW DAYS TO TAKE YOU HO-HO-HOME! WELL, THAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING I'LL EVER SEE. (SCREAMS) EXCEPT FOR THAT! GRANDPA: I WAITED AND WAITED. BUT SANTA NEVER CAME BACK. IF I HADN'T INVENTED A JET SKI MADE OF COCONUTS, I'D HAVE NEVER GOTTEN HOME. AND THEN WHEN I DID, THE WAR WAS OVER AND THE NURSES WERE ALL KISSED OUT. THAT'S QUITE A TALE, GRANDPA. (STUTTERS ANGRILY) YOU LITTLE... IT'S TRUE, I TELLS YA! (CLATTERING, SLEIGH BELLS RINGING) IT'S SANTA! I GOT AN OLD SCORE TO SETTLE. DOGGONE IT! I MISSED HIM AGAIN! ("AMERICAN PATROL" BY GLENN MILLER PLAYING) MY BROTHER'S LUCKY WATCH! SANTA MUST HAVE LEFT IT. CYRUS, I MISS YOU EVERY DAY. SANTA: HE MISSES YOU, TOO. (STUTTERS EXCITEDLY) WAIT! HE, WHAT, WHO?! YOUR BROTHER DIDN'T DIE IN THE WAR, ABE. HE CRASHED INTO TAHITI. AND HE LIKED IT SO MUCH, HE NEVER LEFT. AND NOW, IF YOU LIKE, I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM. WILL WE BE BACK FOR THE TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE? PROBABLY NOT. GOOD, I HATE THAT CRAP. YEAH, ME, TOO. SANTA, ONE THING'S STILL BUGGING ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER COME BACK TO PICK ME UP? I KEPT PUTTING IT OFF, AND THEN I WAS JUST TOO EMBARRASSED. SORRY I NEVER CALLED, ABE. I WAS TOO BUSY WITH MY 15 NATIVE WIVES. (WOMEN GIGGLING) 15! WHOA, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF SEX! I SAID WIVES, NOT GIRLFRIENDS. (WOMEN GIGGLING) WOMEN: NO POKO-MIKU FOR CYRUS! 1 (BAND PLAYS DELICATE MUSIC) (CYMBALS CRASH) OH MY GOD, IT'S OVER. WE'RE FREE! IT'S NOT OVER. IT'S JUST INTERMISSION. I SAID WE'RE FREE! (AUDIENCE CHATTERING) WE'RE STILL DOING ACT TWO. I'LL BE THE AUDIENCE. BOO! THIS IS TERRIBLE! UGH. I HOPE I NEVER HEAR THAT GOD-AWFUL NUTCRACKER MUSIC AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW, DAD. THIS TIME OF YEAR, EVERYBODY DOES IT, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THE MUSIC RIGHTS. REALLY? (TO NUTCRACKER MELODY) # I'VE STILL GOTTA BAKE MY CHRISTMAS PIE # I'VE GOTTA GET DAD A LOUSY TIE # CHRISTMAS CROWDS IS WHAT I HATE # NO TIME LEFT TO PROCRASTINATE # SO MOVE YOUR ASS # AND LET ME PASS # 'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE BOTH: OW! # ER, WHY IS THIS SANTA SUIT SO SNUG? # GRR, WHY SHOULD I CARE? IT'S ALL HUMBUG # I'VE JACKED MY PRICES UP SO HIGH, BUT THERE'S NO JUNK THESE SAPS WON'T BUY # LAST YEAR'S EGGNOG, A GREEN HOT DOG.. # 'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE! (INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE) # THESE HOLIDAY COOKIES SWELL MY FAT (SINGING GIBBERISH) # CAT # EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT GENTILE, WE'LL GET TOGETHER FOR A WHILE # TO SHOOT THE BREEZE # AND EAT CHINESE # 'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE. OY! (INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE) # CHRISTMAS IS A FAMILY DAY # I TOLD GRAMPA WE'D BE AWAY # HE'S AT THE DOOR # LET'S HIT THE FLOOR # 'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE # FINE. I'LL SPEND CHRISTMAS EVE WITH THE RACCOONS. (GROANING) (CHITTERING) YOU GOT ME A GIFT? RANCID LARD?! AW, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME, I SHOW WHAT'S PROBABLY MY MOST REQUESTED CLIP. ROLL IT, FREDDIE. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR... (GROANING) OW! OW! (MOANING) "GIVE THE AUDIENCE SNOWBALLS," THEY SAID. "IT'LL BE CUTE," THEY SAID. OH! (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) OKAY, TIME FOR MY ANNUAL HOLIDAY TRADITION: ATTEMPTING TO KILL MYSELF. (SOBS) ("DANCE OF THE MIRLITONS" FROM THE NUTCRACKER) (HORNS HONKING, INDISTINCT SHOUTS) (SIGHS) WHAT'S IT SAY? HEY, BARN, AS A SPECIAL GIFT TO ME THIS YEAR, WILL YOU KILL ME? BUT I ALREADY GOT YOU A WOOL HAT. MAYBE NEXT YEAR, HUH? MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOMIE. I THINK YOU'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE THIS. (LAUGHS) THAT'S GREAT. NOW I'LL JUST GET MY PRESENT FOR YOU WHICH IS... RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. OH MY GOD, I FORGOT TO GET MARGE A PRESENT! (TYRES SQUEALING) (TO THE NUTCRACKER): # I NEED A PRESENT FOR MY WIFE # OR I'LL HAVE NO SEX FOR LIFE # DIAMOND RING, A VASE BY MING # SOME KINDA USEFUL KITCHEN THING # I NEED A STORE I CAN BREAK INTO # OR A PLACE RUN BY A HINDU # THE CHRISTMAS RUSH HAS CLEANED ME OUT # I JUST HAVE JERKY MADE OF TROUT. # D'OHH! ("PAS DE DEUX" FROM THE NUTCRACKER PLAYS) I KNEW YOU'D FORGET, SO MY GIFT TO YOU IS A GIFT FOR YOU TO GIVE ME. OH, IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED. HERE, MARGE, THIS IS FOR YOU. OH! (TRUCK HORN HONKING) MOE: OH! 18 WHEELS, AND THEY ALL MISSED ME. CAPTIONED BY MEDIA ACCESS GROUP AT WGBH. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2016