1 'She was the first girl to see me naked.' 'Granted, we were seven at the time, I had a feeling, even then.' 'It's something about the first girl you play doctor with, it's cosmic, or perhaps it's that she's seen your package and didn't run screaming.' 'Whatever it was, Allison and I were made for each other, a perfect fit.' 'So, when her family moved away, I knew that someday, somehow, fate would bring us back together.' Berke? Berke Landers? It's me, Allison... Allison McAllister? 'Of all the lunch rooms in all the schools in all the world, that day, she walked into mine.' 'It was the perfect romance. I was dating the most beautiful girl, and the cool part? We still played doctor.' 'For the first time, I was in love, and I knew it would last forever.' 'Boy, was I a dumb-ass!' We need to talk. Um, you know,... ..everything in life, even the really great things, run their course eventually,... right? Friends fade,... bread moulds,... ..people die. Uh-huh. (SIGHS) I guess... Remember the first time we kissed? The feeling? The sparks? Yeah. Well, now when we kiss... ..the feeling, it's, it's kind of... ..it's kind of gone. Oh, and, Berke? I packed up most of your stuff. I thought it'd be easier. Allis- # "Love Will Keep Us Together" - Captain & Tennille # Love # Love will keep us together # Think of me, babe, whenever # Some sweet-talking girl comes along # Singing a song # Don't mess around, you just gotta be strong # Just stop, cos I really love you # Stop, I been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # You # You, do, do, do # You belong to me now # Ain't gonna set you free now # When those girls start hanging around # Talking me down # Hear with your heart, and you won't hear a sound # Just stop # Stop # Cos I really love you # Stop # Stop # I been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Whatever # Young and beautiful # Someday your looks will be gone # When the others turn you off # Who'll be turning you on? # I will, I will, I will # I will be there to share forever # Love will keep us together # I've said it before, and I'll say it again # While others pretend # I need you now and I need you then # Just stop # Stop # Cos I really love you # Stop # Stop # I been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love keep us together # Whatever ba, ba, da whatever # I will, I will, I will # I will # Da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da... # (SCREAMS) 'My parents, Frank and Beverly, they host the relationship advice show, Love Matters, which sounds pretty cool... ' And simultaneously allowing for face-to-face intamacy. Coolio knows what we're talking about. What do you think? You wanna take her for a spin? Huh? We'll be right back. Here are the CDs you wanted, Mom. Oh, thanks. The guests get so cranky when you haven't heard their music. You came home early last night. Don't make it too flat. Is everything OK with Allison? No, so maybe we can talk about it... Now, Berke, you know the rule, when we're not feeling sunny, we? I don't really wanna talk about it. I believe the word is "share". Apparently Berke has a problem with Allison. What's the story? Little snaffle in the channels of communication? Boundary issues? Co-dependency? It's nothing like that. Five minutes. (BOTH) Sex! She dumped me. (AUDIENCE) Aww! Oh, you poor baby! This probably isn't the best place to talk about this. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) # "That Green Jesus" - Mr Natural # You've got to be insane, that green Jesus # You've got to be insane, that green Jesus # You've got to be insane, that green Jesus # You've got to be insane, that green Jesus # You've got to be insane... # I wanna go home. It's gonna be fine, man. It's gonna be better than fine, look at all this new and interesting... Hey, that's my sister. Hey, grabby-hands, step away from the sister. Shouldn't you be at a pyjama-jam or something? I'm a year younger than you, not that you could tell by your present. Pink roller blades. It was a great gift. Sure. Can I help you? Huh? Er,... no. Come on, there's a guy in the corner who'll pierce our navels. What? OK, he's here, he's here. So? So I told him I was going out of town, Maggie, he'll freak when he finds I'm here. Al, you're a free agent now. don't you think he should deal with it? You should've seen his face, he was devastated. It's gonna take him a while to get over this. Allison, are you sure you're over this? Yeah. Allow me. Who is that? Ouch! Is this your first time in the States? Well, er, Lucky, right? (ALL GIGGLE) Are you listening to this candy-ass? Father's in the foreign service, so I spent some years abroad, Shanghai. In fact, when I was in Amsterdam, I toured a bit with a group called The Swing Town Lads. (ALL GASP) You know, I knew he looked familiar. His accent sounds like Madonna! She's here. Who? Madonna? No,... Allison. (GROANS) It's perfect. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you are not going over there. If you go over there, you might as well put your stick on a cracker. You know, it's only gonna make you her bitch, that's bad. Felix, I've taken pisses longer than your last three relationships. Whoa! Oh, right you are. Thanks. Are you OK? Yes, I think so. Yes, well it's a tad rough and tumble out there, glad I was here to catch you. I'm glad you were, too. (GASPS) Would you care to dance? # "Magic Carpet Ride (Remix)" - Mighty Dub Katz She's not your girlfriend any more. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I mean, next year, you guys will be going to different schools. Were you going to marry her? Who marries a high school girlfriend? Don't say Macaulay Culkin. Maybe I'll call her. No! Negative! Have some self-respect, man, you have called her 40 times already. Get out of my way! Oh, shit. "# Hey, I stand at attention" "# Whenever you're near" "# You're near" "# Full speed ahead, girl, cos it's clear" "# That you are my Luv SCUD... #" He calls himself Stryker. (GIGGLES) Luv SCUD? (LAUGHS) So, what did he say when he gave it to you? Mmm, I don't know. He asked me out. Well, don't be so nonchalant about it, girl. I think that boy is razor-fine. '# Oh, it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl...' Oh, my God! # And the way you look, I understand that you aren't impressed # I heard you let a little friend of mine # Take off your party dress # Oh, Alison I can't believe you dated him for a year. # ..is killing you... Knock it off! # Alison... They're screaming at you. # My aim is # Come on, let's go. Ow! Argh! Berke, your aim sucks. A little to the left. Where do you think left is? Go with your instinct and reverse it. How difficult is this? I mean, I'm so alone, I think. You are intimidating me. Well, you are frightening me, understand? How do you get dressed? Do people come in while you just lie in state? A Midsummer Night's Rocking Eve? Shakespeare with a contemporary musical twist. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh, my God, how did you get this number? (LAUGHS) You're kidding me? Either he has no taste, or he hates us. A little of both. Hozario, how's that lobotomy working out for you? (SPEAKS SPANISH) What's with the smiling? A week ago you were in rejected-drunk-guy mode. Did you pass the final? No, I got a 57. Hello, ladies. I'm sorry, man, that's gotta suck. Just a mild annoyance. See? Yeah, there you go. If she wants to screw around with that clown, let her. For now anyway. What's that supposed to mean? Well, if I'm gonna lose Allison, it's not going to be to a turd like that. # Analdo said # Analdo... # There's something about him Allison likes. Yeah. Come on, Landers, wake-up out there. Fancy moves, crazy-legs. (GROANS) Woo, in your face. There he is again. I don't know how you can take his accent seriously. Face it, you're screwed. I think I can take this Backstreet-bitch. Nice trick, catching the ball with your face. Next thing, you'll be shooting three-pointers with your ass. (SIGHS) Berke. 'Whatever it was, Allison and I were Berke, stop, will you let me look at it please? Just go back to practice. Berke, talk to me. I don't understand how you can replace me with this guy. Berke,... ..no-one can replace you, you know? It's just time to move on. So is everything just going great with this Stryker? No, it's just... ..different, you know? I mean, he's not like other guys our age, he's sophisticated... ..and we're even gonna try out for the spring musical together. You hate theatre. No, I don't. "Captain of the fairy band, Helena is close at hand." I'm understanding about every other word of this shit. Berke! Hey. What happened to your face? Er, long story. Midsummer Night's Dream? Are you gonna try out for the show? Kinda... Sort of... Maybe. If you're serious, I'm good at that stuff. Really? Have you heard her songs? She's only the next Josie Mitchell. Joni Mitchell. I could actually use some help. So, tomorrow, coffee? OK, coffee'd be great. OK. Bye. (GIGGLES) "If you're serious, I'm kinda good at that stuff." Shut up. Did you see Dennis staring? I know. OK, first we need to pick you out a monologue for your audition. Yeah, this is good. Lysander, right there. "She sees not Hermia, Hermia sleep thou there..." No, wait. You can't run the words together, it doesn't work like that. But that's OK, we'll start from the beginning. It's kind of hard to understand, but once you get into it, it's good. So... Hermia, this girl here, she's very rich and beautiful, and lives with her overbearing parents. Now, Hermia has everything a girl could ask for - cool clothes, nice complexion, and her pick of any guy she wants. 'But of all the guys in the Greater Athens area, Hermia's heart belongs to the handsome young nobleman, Lysander.' 'This would be perfect if it weren't for Demetrius.' 'Hermia's father promised her hand to him, he's just as charming and handsome as Lysander, maybe more so.' 'Also, Demetrius will stop at nothing to make Hermia his bride.' 'This pretty much leaves Lysander screwed.' Alright, got it. You make it, er,... ..very easy. But we just started. Kelly, I'm not trying to win an Oscar here, I'm just trying to get my girlfriend back. Hi, how are you? Hi, new faces, how are you today? I'm Dr Desmond Forrest-Oates, Fine Arts Chair, and all that hoopla. The purpose of today is to separate the wheat from the chaff. And I think we might be amazed that among us is a new star, our school's next... Well, our next Peter Wong. (ALL GROAN) Hey, Petie. Cool shirt. For those of you who don't make the cut, please, I beg, don't despair, there's always stage crew, and you know how much fun that can be. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I couldn't resist it. You egg me on. Alright, the procedure's gonna be very, very, very basic. We'll start with the singing audition. So loosen up those diaphragms, kiddies, it's time to impress. (FALSETTO) # Where the bee sucks, there suck I # In a cowslip's bell I lie # There I couch where owls do cry (LOWER PITCH) # On a bat's back I do fly (FALSETTO) # After summer merrily... # # Take a look, here I am # Can't you see? # One simple smile from you could set me free # So if you take a look # Let your heart be your guide # I'll show you love # If you take a look # At the girl inside # Oh, that was fun. Who's the composer on that? Me actually. I'm sorry, were you expecting applause on that? This is an audition not TRL. (LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) Who's next? Bentley Scrumfeld. A Swing Town Lad, if I'm not mistaken? You know your boy groups. I follow the popular arts. To me they're so dope. If you don't mind, I'd like to accompany myself. Ah. (Put that down.) Thank you. This one's kind of a personal favourite of mine. # Oh, it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl # And the way you look, I understand that you are not impressed # But I heard you let that little friend of mine # Take off your party dress # Alison # I know this world # Is killing you # Alison # My aim is true... He's the best one we've seen so far. # My aim is (GROWLS) # True # Very nice, Mr Stryker, that is very impressive indeed. That's... Wow! Alrighty, well if there's no-one else - Wait! May I help you? Berke Landers, I'm here to audition. Ah, Berke Landers. Goody for me. Er, I'd like to read a monologue by Oberon in the third act. And I can't wait to hear it, but I need to hear your singing audition. Excuse me? The procedure is that we sing first, and then we read later. Er... Jessica, could you help me here? I'm sinking in quicksand unfortunately. Sing first, read later. Sing first, read later. Any song? Any song you want. (QUIETLY) # Kiss a little longer # Make it last a little longer Projection, Mr Berke, projection! # Kiss a little longer # Stay close a little longer (LAUGHING) # Hold tight a little longer # Longer with Big Red # That Big Red freshness lasts right through and (ALL) # Your fresh breath goes on and on # While you chew it # So say goodbye a little longer # Make it last a little longer # Give your breath long-lasting freshness # With Big Red! # (APPLAUSE) (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? "What's going on?" Nothing, I'm sitting here watching Chester screw the rubber tree. Is that some kind of expression? No, no, my aunt's dog is staying with us, and apparently he's got a hormonal imbalance. Wow, er,... ..is Kelly there? What? "Kelly, is she there?" Why? Cos she did a favour for me today, just put her on, OK? OK,... hold please. Berke Landers. Since when do my friends start calling you? Since today. Hey. "So, how was I?" You were really... OK. Sorry, I thought you knew about the singing. A minor detail. You were cute. You wanna tell Allison that? Well, I hope you get into the play. What? Felix? I can hear you breathing! Hello? "(DIAL TONE)" Alright, everyone, coming through, out of my way! Part please. Excuse me. Thank you. OK... Ah, right. Ow! Demetrius, yes! Congratulations, Hermia. You're kidding? I knew you'd get it. (BOTH GIGGLE) Alright, this play's gonna rock! Chorus? Oh, you've gotta be shitting me? Helena? Oh, my God! (SHRIEKS) Good news? Sorry, I just... I really had my heart set on that part. That's good. Look, there's you. Oh, yeah, well let's hope Attendant Number Three doesn't have any songs. Felicitations, Miss Woods. Thanks. It's a lead role. I know. Methinks thou best not botch it. (LAUGHS) I remember what the wonderful Bobby De Niro once said to me... ..well, not to me, I read it in an article. It was about the big roles, and what he said was, "Just because God blesses you, does not mean there isn't another sneeze coming." Anyway, see you at Thursday's rehearsal. You, too. Ah, Dr Forrest-Oates, that's kind of gonna be a problem. You see, next week we've got all the basketball play-offs. Let me tell you something, bub,... ..this is your theatrical debut, I want you to take it seriously, I want you to give it half the dedication, just half, that I gave my own. 'To be or not to be, that is the question.' Oh, those were the salad days! Although these are good. Thursday, none of this,... ..jock-head. (BOTH LAUGH) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Good. Let's go, let's go. Where you going, Landers? Landers! So, in summation, Lysander loves Hermia, who loves Lysander, but is betrothed to Demetrius, who is the object of Helena's affection. (LAUGHS) Now do you see the fun of it? All hell done break loose. Mickey Rourke said a wonderful thing about fun. He was at some big soiree that Liza Minnelli was throwing... Mr Landers, how nice of you to join us. And thanks for not showering, what a super instinct. The secret to all this, you see, is that our four young lovers are not as in control of their romantic destinies as they think. Because in the woods we have what? Fairies. Fairies, fairies! Spirits, spirits! (CHUCKLES) Specifically... ..Titania, Oberon and Puck... little Steve. Steven. Who delight in manipulating the human heart... ..for sport. It really is fun to see a bunch of fairies... (ALL LAUGH) Holy shit, little Steve, you've got wings. You've got fairy dust coming out of your ass. Let's stir up trouble. Oh, fair Hermia, thou art so incredibly hot and stuff. Hey, red, follow us. You can't see us but you'll do what we say. Suckers. (GIGGLES) Yo, dude, somebody's scamming on your chick. Time to kick some ass. Demetrius, what say you? Relent, sweet Hermia, and you, Lysander, yield thy prize title to my certain right. En garde. What? There's no sword fighting in this. Well, now there is. (SWORDS CLANG) Off you go. Oh! (HORSE NEIGHS) Oh! (LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHS) When it rains, it pours. Mr Landers,... ..are we having REM? (ALL LAUGH) Musical Shakespeare? Calling my sister? She's helping me out. My sister? Yeah, she knows what she's doing. Whatever, Berke, this isn't about her, this is about you running after Allison, and it's bullshit. See you out there. That's it, we gotta find our boy somebody... quick. You don't replace your soul mate, look at the lady from Titanic, she never got over that. I'm not just talking about anybody. Do you still take shop with Dora Lynn Tisdale? Yeah, last week she nearly took out half the class with a nail gun. So she's a bit clumsy. Thanks to good old Dora Lynn, Dickie Bergwell takes a crap standing up. Dennis, we're not asking her to build an apartment complex, are we? What makes you think she'll do it? That's your problem, I'll handle Berke. Dennis heard it first-hand, the girl's completely into you. No, that's bullshit. Why would I make this up? I'm presenting you with a golden opportunity, the Stanley Cup of blind dates, New Zealand's gift to Rosner High. 'Those eyes, that mouth, the rack.' 'Aren't you forgetting something?' (ALL GROAN) 'OK, she's a little accident prone.' 'The girl's a walking disaster zone, wherever she goes, bad shit happens.' Oh, my god! 'I mean, weird bad shit happens.' (HORN TOOTS) (SCREAMS) 'She missed six years of high school, she was in a coma for Christ's sake.' Oh! Berke, she's beautiful,... Yeah. ..she's built, and she's totally willing to lower her standards, so I really don't see anything wrong with this. It's your turn to get the ball. I'm not getting the ball, you get it. (ENGINE REVS) Hey, Dora Lynn! Dora! Kind of got this favour to ask you. Favour? What kind of favour? (SCREAMING) Just stop, drop and roll! Berke, don't be nervous, I'm here because I want to be. Me, too. We never really had a chance to talk. I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I was busy with Allison, and you kind of had your hands full with the whole... Coma thing? Yeah. Yeah. You know, Berke, it's all about new beginnings, that stuff about me being bad luck, history. I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours. Would you excuse me for one minute? I kinda have to... Pee? Yeah. OK. OK. Waitress, can I have some more tea? (GASPS) I love this song! Tits, wow! Oh! (ALL GASP) (CLANGS) (SCREAMS) (ALARM RINGS) (SHOUTING) Cheque, please! # I'm dreaming of a boy, a very special guy # I wish that I could pluck a fairy from the sky # To cast a spell upon my pride and joy # I'm dreaming of a very special boy # Time! Time! It's just not very good. I could lie, but I'd do you a disservice, because it's bad. You've got to commit. # I'm dreaming of a boy # A very special guy # I wish that I could pluck # I wanna see you pluck it, you know? We'll talk later. OK, enter Theseus. Now, attendants, a rogue suitor... ..is spooning with the master's daughter, this is scandalous, so you must look shocked, you must look amazed. Let's see you look shocked. I said shocked, Mr Landers, not constipated. (ALL LAUGH) Oh, my dear God. Go, Del. Go bid the huntsmen, wake them with their horns! Oh, yes, erm,... erm, what can I... You'd tell me if you'd had a stroke? What? What? Are you lost? Um, no actually, I signed up for stage crew, and I - Stage crew? Shouldn't you be over there? (GROANS) Oh, right. My lord, I shall reply amazedly. Half sleep, half waken, I came with Hermia hither, our intent was to be gone from Athens, where we might, without the peril of Athenian law... ..be wed. Ah, ah, ah, save it for show night, Wong. Sorry, Stryker. # "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" - Splitsville # What do you get when you fall in love? # A girl with a pin to burst your bubble # That's what you get for all your trouble # I'll # Never fall in love again # I'll never fall in love again # What do you get when you kiss a girl? # You get enough germs... I'd ask you what you're even doing here, but if some stranger had dazzled his way into my ex-girlfriend's fancies, I'd probably be doing the same thing, only I'd have a bigger part. You dropped your sword. # I'll never fall in love again # Don't tell me what it's all about # Cos I've been there, and I'm glad I'm out... I am so sorry. Big, big game. # And that is why I'm here to remind you... # Substitution! Sorry, sir, there was a big accident. You're lucky I'm not Bobby Knight. We've got play-offs, and you've got an obligation to the team, now get out there! Yes, sir! # I'll never fall in love again Hey, Landers, nice ass! I'm gonna go now. # Never fall in love again # (PLAYS SLOW BALLAD) Don't stop because of me. Sorry, I just never get to play a real piano at home. So, you've been a busy guy lately. Dating a pyromaniac, showing my ass in public. All in the name of love. Right. Play me something. No. Come on, it sounded good. I'm embarrassed. I love writing songs, but it... (SIGHS) What's the problem? Well, you were at the audition, Berke, Forrest-Oates hated my song. Well... I admired you... ..for putting yourself out there like that, and... ..you know, for whatever it's worth, I thought it was a really nice song. Thanks. This is a song I wrote. # B C D E F G Oh, God! Ready? (BOTH) # H I J K L M N O P # (LAUGHS) (PLAYS CLASSICAL STYLE) Show off. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Berke! Felix! Do you like half-naked women? Would you tell me where we're going? Dennis and I, we've discussed it, and decided this is what you need. "Looks like we have a very special guest with us tonight, a young man recently jilted by his long-time love." (GIGGLES) Hey, see you later, Casanova. (LAUGHS) Oh! (ALL GIGGLE) Hi, I've got something for you. What's that? "It's Monday Madness, people, you know what that means." Whoa! (ALL GIGGLE) (LAUGHS) Behold my majestic, corsetted form! Police! I wanna see some ID, and I wanna see them quick! (BOTH) Sorry! (SCREAMING) Could somebody get me down? Please? Jesus, mother of God! I must say, you've surprised us, Berke, it's not every day you get a call from the cops saying your son's been pinched in a sex-club raid. That said, we've discussed it... We'd like to say... We are so incredibly proud of you. What? For getting on with your life. Most kids your age are ill-equipped to deal with heartache. But you got right back on that horse, or should I say suspension harness? (Stop it.) I just got arrested, shouldn't you be, like, pissed or something? Why? Sexual curiosity's natural. We just had no idea you were so kinky. Hey, who's up for frozen yoghurt? Ooh, sounds good to me. Well, then again, Berke may wanna go home and polish the rocket. Yoghurt's good. OK. OK, Dennis. What? Bring her up. (GIGGLES) Ladies and gentlemen, introducing prisoner number 6943. Bravo, Landers, bravo. You know, you do take a stunning picture. Stryker, I'd be careful with that accent, you sound like Mary Poppins. I don't know what you're blathering about, but if I were you - Whoa! What? Are you wearing make-up? That's it! Ooh! Huh! Careful, Landers, I think you're trifling with danger. Who keeps nunchucks in their pants? Oh! (SCREAMS) Peter Wong is down! Look on the bright side, Wong, you're a singer not a dancer. I'll kill you, you ass-kissing, pretentious, Swing Town twit! This is my theatre, my soul, Forrest-Oates is my special buddy! (CRIES) That was intense. I've never seen bone poke through skin like that. Alright, then, everything's going to be fine according to the paramedics, Peter will be back on his feet in no time. (CRASH) (SCREAMS) Still, in the words of the wonderful Kevin Spacey, the show must go on. And since curtain is indeed in three days, I'm accepting offers from volunteers for the role of Lysander. Ooh, ooh! Put your hand down, little Steve! No, Stryker, you have a role. Yes, I know, but I was wanting to nominate someone. Oh,... (LAUGHS) ..that's very flattering indeed, but I don't think a man of 34 can keep up with you youngsters. Actually, I was referring to... ..Berke Landers. (ALL MUTTER) Oh, well,... that's an intriguing thought. Any other ideas? One that I might use? Put your hand down, little Steve! He is green but he does demonstrate a certain enthusiasm. I'm in. You're in? Yeah, I'm in. Jessica, call Dominoes, we'll be here a while. And keep icing your front bum! Swelling continues when you don't ice, and I need you! Not really. So, how many swords do we have? Seven. Eight. I swear, if Allison doesn't appreciate this... Then, what? I've heard you do the dialogue, you're fine. What about the singing? Well, the music sucks, especially my song. Well, why don't you rewrite it? Oh, Forrest-Oates would never go for it. You're the best one in the play, you know more about this stuff than him. Yeah, but he doesn't see it that way. Forrest-Oates just cast me as a lead, he's an idiot, Allison. My name... is Kelly. What'd I say? Allison. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. Sorry. Prepare to die. Maybe you shouldn't be playing with that. Put it down. Put it... Kelly... (SCREAMS) We've an 18-year-old white male with a puncture wound to his left arm. I'm sorry, I thought it was a prop. I wanna see it. No, don't look! It's bad, isn't it? No, it's fine! Here, listen, the doctor's gonna fix your arm, we'll rehearse, you'll be the best Lysander ever! And your arm, it's really not that... Oh, my God! Oh! # "Phthalo Blue" - The Fairways # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-da, ba, ba # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-da, ba, ba # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-ba, da, ba, da-da, da # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-da, ba, ba # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-da, ba, ba # Ba, ba, ba-da, da-ba, ba, da-da, da... # 'I'm just saying that Thursday you kept Kelly's ass out till 12:15.' Felix, it's Kelly, she's helping me out with a part. OK, just keep an eye on her, man, cos some of those theatre guys have this reputation for being... Gay? That's what they want you to think. I'll keep an eye on her. # I never shoulda, that's what he said # Ba, ba, ba-da, da, ba, ba, da, da-da # 48 hours, I'm still havin' it bad # Fruity to a girl, I was virtually dead # You made a mess on someone's desk, I did it again # Ba-da, da-da, da-da, da # I was looking for someone with kindness # Already the person's got nothing to do # So what's the point of him hanging there when nobody cares...? # So, when do your parents leave for this affiliates thing? Er, today. Don't even think about it! What? Felix, I can hear your brain planning a party. No! See you later, I gotta get something. Why's he going in the music store? I don't know, he's probably buying tap shoes or shit like that, which only further demonstrates my point, the man's in need of a party. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes? I know you're busy, but I just want to talk to you. Please, come in. Oh, fun hair clip. I want to talk about my song. Pocket Full Of Dreams. I originally wrote that tune for Miss Diana Ross. 'Miss Ross, I've written a very groovy song, I think you'd love it!' 'That's my hand, buddy! Ow!' 'Miss Ross! Miss Ross! Diana!' Unfortunately the lawyers got involved and then bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! And the next thing you know... no deal. It's a great song, I love singing it. Oh, it was fun to write. It's just that I was wondering if you wouldn't mind... ..if I made a few suggestions. You've made some suggestions? "Oh, weary night, abate thy hours." Well, I just figured, you know, like you said, the song isn't working. (LAUGHS) I'd like you to do me a favour if you will,... ..Miss Woods, read this poster and tell me what it says at the bottom. "No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time." It says, "12 original songs by Dr Desmond Forrest-Oates." Oh, that part. Yes, that part. What it doesn't say is additional lyrics by Little Miss Sassy-Pants. Some lyrics are Shakespeare's. What was the last tune you hummed from Macbeth? Bill Shakespeare's a wonderful poet, but Burt Bacharach he ain't. Sorry I'm late. That's OK. I was just getting lucky. Chester! We need to` We need to find this dog a date. So, how was Forrest-Oates? A bigger asshole than I thought. Well, maybe this'll make you feel a little better. Oh, a gift? Berke! First we rehearse, OK? OK. OK. (BOTH) # So that's the girl # That I've got to have # I'll tell you why # It's 21 hours till the play, and I'm actually starting to suck more. Let's just put the songs aside for a second, we'll work on some dialogue. We're at the point where Theseus has just woken everybody up. Hi. Hi. (BOTH LAUGH) OK, the scene's between you and Hermia, so pretend I'm Allison, OK? Sure. As difficult as that might be. No, go ahead. So, Theseus says, "Go, wake them with their horns." And Hermia says, "Methinks I see things with parted eye, when everything seems double." I got it, er... My lord, I reply amazedly, half asleep, half awake. I came with Hermia... hither... (BOTH LAUGH) ..our intent is to leave... ..Athens... ..where we may be married. And then there's a kiss... ..which is gonna be with Allison. Right. But in this case... (PHONE RINGS) (Oh, shit!) What? Hey, let me take a shot in the dark, Berke's there, right? Felix, where are you? Big party! Tell Berke he might wanna stop by, because people are asking about him. We gotta go to your house. MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Observing with an eagle eye. Mastering the art of stashing. Oh, brilliant move, Gran! Cadbury Favourites. 'It's something about the first girl 1 Well, well, I'm impressed, turnout's not bad. Where's Felix? Dude, you should really breathe, you look like you're gonna stroke out. I'll look for him over here. You realise I'm going to kill him? Felix! Bleugh! Felix! Ah, my beauteous co-star Have you seen Felix? Fair Helena, so tense. A few pre-show jitters perhaps? Or maybe some love pains for a certain you-know-who? You! Berke, what's up? So, what do you think? What do I think? What are you talking about? What do you see in this uneducated wank? Perhaps you can take me out to the veranda and... ..edify me. Shit, it's Stryker! I'll see you at the show. What's going on? Nothing, just a bit of tomfoolery, really. Felix, I'm handling it. No, you're being handled by leather-pants. You'd better go. Do you really think I'd fool around on Allison? You know how damnable that would be. Where's the grub? This way? Thanks. (COUGHS) Guys, is it just me, or does this punch taste kind of funky? It's chunks. Hi. I've been wondering where you've been. We have to talk about Stryker. No, no, you will stop at nothing, will you? Allison! Allison! (MOANING) Stryker? Allison! Maggie? Allison,... ..I'm so, so sorry. You can all just go to hell. Hey, you. (SIGHS) Sorry about this whole party thing, my brother is kind of an asshole. Kind of? I'm seriously considering telling Mom where he keeps his porn. That was a joke. Kelly, why do you hang out with me? I mean, you probably have better things to do than... ..waste your time with a hapless loser. You're not a loser, Berke. Allison thinks so. (Allison's an idiot.) I have done... ..absolutely everything for that girl. She just doesn't get it. I can't do this. Kelly, I think you're great, but we can't do this. Your Felix's little sister. Screw you. Kelly, wait a second, that came out wrong. What was that? Felix, it's not what you're thinking. Ooh! What the hell has gotten into you? Oh! Well, well, why am I suddenly glad we left the conference early? I don't recall anything about a party, Berke. We could have sprung for a DJ. Make sure you put the furniture back. Mom, Dad, the reverend's daughter, Judy, just took a dump in our pool, and you wanna spring for a DJ? That's what makes us so fly. We trust you. You're my parents, for God's sake, stop trusting me. Ooh, Judy. I'll go get the skimmer. (SIGHS) Well, this is pretty interesting. It was nothing. Kelly, I was there, he kissed you. I don't know why he did it, Berke's screwed up right now, but - Look,... ..I kissed him too. Yes, he is screwed up, and he likes someone else and it's a problem, but, Felix, it's my problem. (SIGHS) Look, you know I'd be lying if I said I was happy about this... ..but, erm, if Berke can't see what an amazing person you are,.. ..then I'd say that he's the one with the problem. Good night. "Hey, it's me, it's Berke." "Just wanted to say thanks for all your help." "The guy at the music store said that songwriters use these things, so, if anyone can fix Forrest-Oates' song, it's definitely you." "Just know that I believe in you, Kelly." "Break a leg." # Now I've fallen in deep # Slow, silent sleep # It's killing me # I'm dying # Hey, let's mess with the mortals. (LAUGHS) Boyfriend'll be tripping on this. One more dose for Mr Morose. Time for a little wake-up call. And I'm out of here. And in the woods, where the scents are sweet, there my Lysander and myself shall meet. Maybe it's time you started dreaming of someone else. (Berke.) You were my first. No-one's ever gonna replace you. I've dazzled my way into your ex-girlfriend's fancies. You were the quintessential high school couple. She's not your girlfriend any more. I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours. Are we freaking you out? Yeah, we're freaking him out. (ALL SHOUT) (SCREAMS) Dr Forrest-Oates, the attendant's costume's arrived. Thank Buddha. And your wife called, she might not make it to tonight's performance. Did she say why? It was difficult to understand through the slur. Er, and, sir, there is one more thing. Del Molden Jr is sick. My dance partner? Shit! That's enough out of you, muck-mouth. Now, apparently he got hold of some tainted fruit punch last night, and won't be able to perform. Not that it matters, because the entire production's going down in flames. (LAUGHS) Oh! That having been said, I'm curious if anyone can fill his place. Good. Let me ask you this, is there anyone who, at all, is good on their feet? A shuffle, or a turn, or an attitude of any kind... with a pose? Well, sometimes... ..Coach Hibble calls me "Crazy legs". Oh, does he? Wait a second. Maybe if you took a half step back before the spin. OK, just follow my lead. I learnt this from watching in the wings. Wow! Felix. Kelly, shouldn't you be getting ready? I am, I'm in make-up. Listen, I need you to do a favour for me. "Please take your seats, the performance is about to begin." It's over. (LAUGHS) After this one I'll be directing on the streets. '# All the do-da night, all the do-da day' '# Bet my money on a bobtail-nag' '# Somebody bet on the bay #' Hey. Break a leg. (ORCHESTRA TUNES UP) Go ahead, Jessica, raise the curtain on the tragedy that has befallen the bard's greatest comedy. "I'm praying for you." Thanks. (FANFARE) # Did you ever read a Shakespeare play? (ALL) # Oooh-oooh # And never understand a word they say? # Aaah-aaah # Well, tonight we're gonna make things clear # Cos Shakespeare's dead # But we're all here (ALL CHEER) # William Shakespeare wrote a play # A long, long time ago # About this chick named Hermia # And the two guys who loved her so (BOTH) # They said, "Hermia, please be my girl" # But she only wanted one # She wanted one # And that night all fairies came to play # Cos at night we have our fun # Ah-ah # Cos I love him # And I love her # If only her best friend he'd prefer # And so the fairies all hatch a scheme in this, boom-shaka-laka-laka # Midsummer night's dream # Midsummer night's dream # Midsummer night's dream # (APPLAUSE) (SHRIEKS) Look, there's Helena. Oh, fair Helena. Call you me fair? That fair again unsay. Doesn't Kelly look beautiful? Hmm. Demetrius and Lysander love your fair Hermia. Demetrius and Lysander (ALL) # Oooh... (Do it.) Yeah, baby. (Do it.) # Oooh... # Aaaah... # It's fun to be a fairy and fly from town to town # Our fairy dust will keep you up (ALL) # You won't come down # Yeah, it's fun to be a fairy and wear such pretty things # It's fun to carry love juice on your fairy wings, yeah # What fools these mortals be # They try to play at love and make a comedy # Why can't these mortals learn? # A fairy up above will never crash and burn # Yeah, it's fun to be a fairy # That's right # Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah, it's fun to be a fairy # That's right # Ooh-ooh-oo, yeah # It's fun to be a fairy # Ah, ha # Ah, ha, ah, ha I like it, it's fun to be a fairy # Give it up, give it up, give it up, yeah # It's fun to be a fairy # It's fairy power # (GIGGLES) That was good. That was OK. Relent, sweet Hermia, and, Lysander, yield thy crazed title to my certain right. You have her father's love, Demetrius, let me have Hermia's. Do you marry him? (Shit box.) (Wanker.) (Dick-weed.) It's so real, you can almost feel the tension. Word. (ALL) # Oooh-oooh # Why won't you love me? # Ah, ah, ah, oh, oh, oh, oh # Oooh, oooh, hoo, hoo # There's a girl # Who says she don't love me # So that's the girl # That I got to have # I'll tell you why # She's everything a girl ought to be # And that is why # I can't understand # Why she don't love me # No # Hermia # I'll make you love me # Hermia # I'll make you care # Never before has a girl had me more # I'm begging, Hermia (BOTH) # Please love me (Bitch.) (Pansy.) # Why won't you love me? # Please love me # (Asshole.) (GROWLS) Mmm-hmm. I'll apply to your eye, gentle lovers, remedy, and when thou awakest, thou will takest true delight in the sight of thy true lover's eye. (APPLAUSE) OK, people, we're back in 20. Berke, I want to talk to you about something, can we go somewhere? Yeah. OK. Well,... ..ah, I could use a drink. Yeah. "You're not equipped to deal with this, I mean equipment." "Hardware." "She wants a blow-up doll, right?" I called them once for advice. Really? Yeah, I had zits on my balls. They're gone now. Gentlemen,... I'm here for a favour. In act four, scene one, there's a... particular effects cue. Ah, the Volk Tube crescendo. Right. Now, is this the one? Er, no, that one could take out a village. Hmm, I see. Well, I was wondering,... ..if you might be able to detonate it a bit... early? Isn't that before Mr Landers' cross? Look, all you'll do is scare him. I can signal you by raising my sword. About this whole thing with Stryker, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry you had to find out like that, it kind of sucked. Look, I know I don't deserve to ask you anything right now, but if I could just have one wish,... ..it would be that we could go back to the way things were,... ..you know? I mean the friends part. Yeah, sure. And as for the rest of it, well,... ..we'll just leave that up to fate. Did I mention there was... 47 dollars in it for you? Not bad. Hmm, I believe, Mr Scrumfeld, we have an understanding. Remember, gentlemen, when I raise my sword. Hey, the music's been, er, good, but you know that song A Pocket Full Of Dreams? Down here we call it Pocket Full Of Ass. There's been a change of plans. Oh, this is different. (FANFARE) The spell has been cast, the lovers sleep. Though in repose, fair Helena's love for Demetrius grows. Oh, weary night,... ..abate thy hours... ..steal me, a while, from my own company. # Let me sleep # For when I sleep # I dream that you are here # You're mine # And all my fears are left behind # I float # On air # The nightingale sings # Gentle lullabies # So let me close my eyes (Jessica! Jessica!) # And sleep, perchance to dream # So I can see the face # I long to touch # To kiss # But only dreams # Can bring me this # So let # The moon # Shine softly # On the boy # I long to see # And maybe when he dreams # He'll dream of me # I'll hide beneath the clouds # And whisper to the evening star # They tell me love # Is just a dream away # Dream away # A dream away... # So let # The moon # Shine softly on the boy # I long to see # And maybe when he dreams # He'll dream of me # Oh, oh, oh, oh # Dream of me # Go bid the huntsmen, wake them with, with their horns. (FANFARE) My lord, I shall reply amazedly, half sleep, half waking, I came with Hermia, hither, our intent was to be gone from Athens, so we might, without the peril of Athenian law, be wed. However... What? However? My lord,... ..we slept and slept, as well you know, er, things did change, as love did grow. Although,... ..in ways, fair Hermia's soul and mine shall forever intertwine, alas, we must forever part, for, lo, unto another... ..belongs this heart. (ALL) Aww! (APPLAUSE) Wait a second! Wait a second, you can't do that! You can't just change 400-year-old literature! It's not even supposed to rhyme. (ALL LAUGH) Fine, I can do it too. I do not like it in a moat, I do not like it in a boat, I do not like it in a car. How's that? (ALL CHEER) Boo! Oh, stop cheering! Stop cheering! Stop cheering! Do it, now! Stop - Whoa! (ALL GASP) (SCREAMS) (ALL GASP) (APPLAUSE) Thanks. You're welcome. What is that? It's applause, sir. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Oh, my god, are you crying? No, you're squeezing my puncture wound. Mmm. Make it a little more like this. You were trying to fly into my seat, weren't you? No. Oh, come on. Well, maybe just a little. See, I knew it, you're so bad. I love it. Oh, just hold on one... ..second, I'll be right back, OK? So,... ..you and my sister, huh? You're not gonna hit me again, are you? No. No, but I'm not thrilled. I'm, er... But if it has to be somebody,... ..I'm kinda glad it's you. Thanks. Hey, Kel. Hey. Good job, you were funny. Thanks. Listen, I've gotta go. Oh, you and Dora Lynn? Yeah. Aren't you worried about the whole... Accident prone? No, no. I think Dora Lynn's about to have a change of luck. Go, Felix. I'll see you guys later. Alright, let's go get some dim sum. Bye, Berke. (BOTH GASP) That's OK. That's fine. He blew off that stage... ..20 feet at least. And then she took off like this beautiful spaceship into the night. Dude, we burned the shit out of his face. Tomorrow night,... same thing. So, my theatrical debut, what did you think? You came on pretty strong in that last act. Yeah, I was good. So you know we gotta do this again tomorrow night? How do you think it's gonna end? We could bring back the, always popular Big Red song. I'd rather be shot again with an arrow. I thought it was a prop! Yeah, yeah. IMS Subtitles # Do you remember # The 21st night of September? # Love was changing the minds of pretenders # While chasing the clouds away # Oh, oh, yeah # Our hearts were ringing # In the key that our souls were singing # And as we danced in the night # Remember how the stars stole the night away? # Everybody sing, yeah (ALL) # Ba, de, da, say that you remember # Say that you remember, yeah # Dancing in September # Ba, de, da # Never was a cloudy day # There never, there never, yeah # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do, ba, de, do, ba, de, do, # Can you feel it? Do you feel it? Hey # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do, ba, de, ba, de, hey # Won't somebody help me sing? # My thoughts were with you # Holding hands with your heart to see you # Only blue talk and love # Remember # How we knew love was here to stay? # Mmm # Now, December # Found the love that we shared in September # Only blue talk and love # Remember # True love we share today? # Ooh, sing it # Ba, de, da # What you say now? # Say that you remember # Oh # Ba, de, da # Hey, what you say now? # Dancing in September # Ooh # Ba, de, da # Come on # Never was a cloudy day # There never, there never # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do, ba, de, do, ba, de, do, # Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Hey # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do, # Ho, oh, oh # Ooh # Oh, break it down right now # The bells were ringing # Our love was singing # Mmm # Do you remember ever a cloudy day? # Oh, somebody help me sing # Ba, de, da, say that you remember # Say that you remember # Dancing in September # Say it never rains, never rains # Never was a cloudy day # Never a cloudy day # Ooh, sing it # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do # Sing it again # What you say now? # Ba, de, do, ba, de, do # Ooh, what you say now? # Ba, de, ba, de, hey www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016