1 Good morning, Connor. Versace is on one. OK. Clear out! Good, good, good. Oh, I like this. OK, ladies, do not look at me or the camera. Just keep doing what you do. On three... One, two, three. Reset, I'll be right back. Pull the backlight down, and stop. More martinis. Nice work, gentlemen. Re-light on one. We're moving to stage two. The Vanity Fair cover is waiting on two. Oh, hey, you! Hi, Mr Mead. Hey. Good morning, ladies. So do you wanna have dinner with us after? I'd love to, but I can't. I'm booked solid, ladies. But I will find you, OK? Aww. OK. You want me to book them? Yes. Bye! Separately or together? Yes. (LAUGHS) Good morning, Kaila. Hello! I'm Connor Mead. You're ravishing. Well, thank you. Stand here, please. Alright. Let's get started. Get rid of the green screen. Give me key light. What...? Bring it over. Excuse me! What are you doing? And keep the set medic on cue just in case. Can I have the, um...? Apples. This is my wardrobe! That's the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell. I just want to let you know that I'm a huge fan. Likewise. I'm not 12 years old and tone-deaf, so I don't like your music, but I really dig your look. Can we come here and strengthen up these eyebrows? Stay right there. Stay right there. So, er, this is it? This is the picture? I'm half-naked with an apple on my head. Yes, you are. This is the cover of Vanity Fair from the great Connor Mead? Well, not quite. I'd like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi. She's a Japanese archery champion. She'll be helping us out today. And you have nothing to fear. She placed sixth in Beijing. (LAUGHS) Are you joking? Is he...? Is he joking? Kaila, chin down, eyes here, arms to your side. Somebody tell me he's joking. Don't move. Kako, on my count. (COUNTS IN JAPANESE) She didn't even medal! (SCREAMS) (SOFT R'N'B PLAYS ON STEREO) Just listen to my music. I am more than my look. I am. Sweetie, you are already gorgeous. (DOOR SLAMS) Why do you need to be good at two things. Connor. I need your select on the mayor's proofs. Now? And I'm juggling three of your buddies on iChat. Does she knock? Sorry. You told me to make sure you were on the road by two. Why? Your brother's wedding in Newport? Today? The rehearsal dinner's tonight at your Uncle Wayne's old estate. I gotta get up there. And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja on your IM. They keep calling. Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again? Dinner Friday night. Right. Very pretty girl. Didn't say much. She's Romanian. Barely speaks English. Well, that explains it. Scan these to Mike. Honey, if you could take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it. No. No way. I'm not breaking up with girls for you, Connor. I believe in karma! OK. Conference them. Conference them? Conference them. Oh, no, you wouldn't. Oh, yes, I would. They're conference. Click here to disconnect. Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead. (GIRLS) "Hi, Connor!" "Is there anyone else on the line?" Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time right now, so I'm... ..well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk. Erm... It's not going to work out for us. (ALL) "What? Are you kidding?" "Tell me you're not breaking up with me on a conference call." "I thought things were going great." "You are a womans hater." "Connor Mead hates womans!" No, no, no, I love womans! I mean, "women", alright? I love all women. That's the problem here. "No!" "You date a girl for two weeks, get her to fall in love with you -" "He takes the love and he hoard it, like a miser." Jesus, doesn't anyone just wanna have fun any more? I like to have fun. Then, don't listen to these! They are crazy. "We can still hear you when you cover the camera!" Right. "Emotionally retarded!" "You really need therapy." Ladies, it sounds like you have an awful lot to discuss. So I'm going to jump off, but feel free to keep talking, OK? Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time with each one of you. I wish you all the best. Goodbye. "No, we are not done!" You really are as bad as they say. Ahh... Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse. Of course, you'd never treat me that way, right? I just did that for you. I'm cleaning my plate for the main course. (LAUGHS) You're the biggest jerk ever. In fact, you're even famous for it. No, really, why am I doing this? Well, it usually has something to do with your father. Oh, please. I've never even met my father. Well, come to Papa. # Na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na # I got a certain little girl she's on my mind # No doubt about it, she looks so fine # She's the best girl that I ever had # Sometimes she's gonna make me feel so bad # Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na # (GENTLE INCIDENTAL MUSIC) (EXHALES SHARPLY) OK, here we go. This will have gone like clockwork, so at 1529 I will say, "You may kiss the bride." Oh, we should practice that, shouldn't we? (TAPPING) Oh, God. Paulie! Connor! Go around. Yeah. He came! (LAUGHS) He came. He came. What's wrong? What? You and all but one of my bridesmaids slept with him so he can't be that bad, right? No. Jenny, soothe the nervous bride! Oh, it's fine. Ba-da! (LAUGHS) Hey! Connor! Good to see you. You made it! Yeah! You look great. Thank you, man. What do you think about what we did to Uncle Wayne's karate dojo? Whoa. I'm psyched you came. Yeah. Well, I wanted to get here early, make sure you had time to think about our last conversation. The one about marriage, love, never-ending lifelong monogamy? I definitely thought about it. You did? Good. If you're having second thoughts, here's the key to my Jag. You give me the word, I'll block. You're serious. You're damn right. Man, I'll do anything for you. Who's got your back, huh? You and me against the world, right? W-Why is he giving him keys? Why's he giving him keys? I bet he's giving you a car! I'm just gonna go check on that. OK. Connor, we've talked about this. I wanna get married. I love Sandra. You say that now - Everything OK here, guys? Because we're still, you know, rehearsing. Jenny Perotti. Connor Mead. I'll be damned. That's probably true. Hey, the bride's unsupervised. I'm on it. Buddy, we're not done talking about this. Done talking about what? Options. Options... Listen to me, Connor. This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's life. If you detract from her wedding, I'll sneak into your room and cut off your favourite appendage. Now, the first part sounds nice. I can make it look like an accident. Don't push me. Just try to be supportive. Normal. Just not a train wreck for once. I'll be on my best behaviour. That's what worries me. I will, I'll be supportive. Whatever. Really? Yes. Come on. See? I knew there wouldn't be any weirdness between you two. Connor, you remember Sandra? Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra? Mwah. It's not too late to get out, gorgeous. He's joking! And, er, you know the bridesmaids. Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna. How are you? And, er... Denise. Nice to meet you, Denise. Me too. How are you? My groomsmen. Guys, this is my brother, Connor. We've heard the stories, man. Oh, OK. An honour to be serving with you. And with you. It's mice to neet you. Damn it, I blew it. Sorry to break up the bromance, but I need you where I can keep my eyes on you. Absolutely. Are we ready? Yes, sorry, Sarge. Sarge? Are they getting married by a cop? Sergeant Major Volkom, United States Marine Corps. I am not a cop. '(MILITARY DRUMBEAT)' Where'd you find this ray of sunshine? He's Sandra's dad. Sarge, this is my brother, Connor. Connor, this is The Sarge. He was ordained right after the war. Little war called Korea. Perhaps you've heard of it, slick? Lost more men than Nam. We didn't get a wall. We didn't get a movie. We got a sitcom with Alan Alda, which was all non-stop laughs unless you were the one watching his friends die! The war's over, Dad. It was a tie. You know, we should probably try to keep going on schedule. HUA. HUA? Following the kiss at 1530 hours, on my mark groom will take bride's left forearm, rotate 180 degrees, orienting north by northwest. Then I will announce you as husband and wife. Following which... Following which, you will live happily ever after. (BRIDESMAIDS SQUEAL) Oh, Daddy! (GIRLS) Aww! So sweet. I'm surrounded by huggers. > There we go. Nah, we're cool, man. Thanks. Hey! Uncle Wayne. Ah, the world's a lot less fun without you in it, buddy. Oh, no. Oh, no. No decorations in here. No! No. No. And yes. No... No! What...? What...? Something wrong? Huh...? I got over 30 scented candles in my room. Oh, the wedding scent is lavender. The wedding scent? And people wonder why I'm not married. Not really. Seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne is rolling over in his grave right now. Wayne loved a good party. Party, yes. A wedding? No. Back in the day, that man used this place for mind-numbing, clothing-optional, weeklong orgies. Do you know Dean Martin slept in that bathroom? He drank from the bidet and sang the Canadian national anthem... (BOTH) ..in Spanish. I remember Wayne telling us. Now that, that was a party. Not this. (SIGHS) People were taking bets on whether or not you'd even show up. Miss my kid brother's wedding? That's what I said. The whole "asshole thing" is to get insecure women to sleep with you. Deep down, you're a big sweetheart. Oh. Look who's got me pegged. There's the sarcasm to cover up the display of affection for Paul. Hey! I'm not covering anything up. And I would also be more than happy to take off the rest of my clothes to prove it. There's the cheap sexual innuendo. All the old tricks are back. Well, don't worry, your secret's safe with me. I won't tell anyone you have feelings. (GIRLS) HUA! (ALL GASP) Oh, gosh! OK. Yeah, it didn't work. Still nervous. Let's do another one. Oooh, Sandy, what about him? Dan Palumbo. Married. Aww. Kids? (GASPS) They're not really married unless they have kids. (ALL) HUA! Heard, understood, acknowledged. Sandy. Save some liquor for the rest of the guests. Clean my room, pledge! Slow down. Slow down. Hey. Here you go, sir. If you can keep those coming all night... And now we're off. Excuse me, Mr Mead? Mm-hm. I'm a huge fan of your work. Thank you. Are you photographing the wedding? No. No, I'm not a wedding photographer. Right, but it's your brother. Right. He's not good at taking pictures of clothed people. Look who's funny! It's not his specialty. (PHONE RINGS) Ah! Turn your phone off. Connor Mead. No, I would not like to cut my quota. Connor. Tell him to screw himself. Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself! (GUESTS) Hi! Like when a man and a woman... Gotta go. Hi! Oh, my God... Sit down before you... Oh, my God. What? What is this? Endive arugula salad - No, no, no. The salad I ordered had figs. Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton. This is... (LAUGHS) This is a disaster! My friends and family didn't come all the way over here to be met with a lacklustre salad! Where are the figs? Sweetie - I want some figs! Sweetie? Sweetie. Hi. (PANTS) Hi. Hi. Hi. OK, look, you're right, OK, you did order figs. But, uh, everyone seems to be loving the salad, right? Anybody missing figs? (ALL) No! No! It's really good! ..a lot to recommend, this salad. OK. Sorry. There she is. Alright, she's back. I'm sorry, everyone. I just... It's my wedding and... I'm not usually a massive bitch. She kind of is. Ha, ha. Stop it. I just really want everything to start out perfectly. I mean, I only plan on getting married four or five times, tops. Aww, sweet! Oh, which reminds me... Connor. Sandy and I wanted to know if you would make a toast tomorrow. What? Yeah. We'd like that. I know it's not your thing, but it's tradition for the best man to give a toast. Keep it super short. Super long, whatever. Are they kidding? Are you kidding? Yes! No. Yes! No, you're the only family I got here, so say something. I don't think this is the best idea you've had. I'm with Jenny. You can scrounge up a cousin... No. Come on, you're my brother. You're funny, you're articulate, you're smart. True, true and true. Erm... I'm flattered, but... It's the least you can do. Who the hell is this guy? Who's that? Jeff. I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, OK? I can't toast this. Come on! This always happens. All Scotch, no carbs. Is there a bread basket? Let's talk about something else. When do you catch your flight? Paulie, you know where I come out on all this, buddy. To me, marriage is an archaic and oppressive institution that should've been abolished years ago. And love? It's magical comfort food for the weak and the uneducated. Yeah, it makes you feel warm and relevant, but in the end, love leaves you weak, dependant and fat. Yeah, that might not make the best toast. Are you saying I'm fat? No. Are you kidding? No, no, no! Sweetie, sweetie, he's being funny. I think. Better hold your next words real close, Paco. Believe me, for Paul's sake, I wish I could believe in all this crap. I do. And I also wish I could believe in the Easter bunny, the missile shield, and strippers with a heart of gold. But, unfortunately, I am condemned to see the world as it really is. And love? Love is a myth. Oh, good! Because I was afraid you were gonna make a long, cynical speech. Truth hurts, baby. Why don't you go? Yeah. Why don't I do that? And I think I'll take my salad with me. Mm. Some figs would've been nice. This is gonna be tougher than I thought. '(CACKLING)' You got that right, kid. Uncle Wayne? Uncle Wayne. Er... (CACKLES) You're dead. Players never die, Dutch. They just try their luck at a different table. Whoa, whoa. Never touch a man when he's hanging a wire. You kidding me? (FLUSHES) Oh, God. Aqua Velva. What are you...? What are you...? What are you doing here? I'm here to warn you, kid. Don't waste your life like I did. What are you talking about? You had a great life, man. You're a legend. The money, the parties, the women... Listen, kid. When the music stops and you're looking for your slacks, none of that stuff matters worth a lick. Well, there was this one party. Er... New Year's '68, Philippines. Me, Stevie McQueen, 17 Lufthansa stewardesses... and a pile of blow the size of a toaster. Now that was a good night. Aw. That sounds like a great night. I've had a few laughs, chased some tail, but trust me, you don't wanna end up like me. What're you talking about? No, no. Save it for the sandman. I've been watching you, and you are definitely turning out like me. Frankly, who could blame you? But tonight... Tonight, things are gonna change. Tonight, you're gonna be visited by three ghosts. You have got to be kidding me. You'll be forced to feel things that you haven't felt for a long time. Things like feelings, for example. Remember, no matter how much it hurts, it's all for your own good. And the stuff that's not for your own good, it's for my entertainment. Look, Uncle Wayne, you... Where'd he go? Alright, that didn't just happen. OK... Uh-oh. Melanie! Melanie? Where are you? I need you up here, alright? You are my assistant and I need assistance. Blue Label and give it wings, brother. Call me. You feel so real. Well, they are, honey. 100 percent. I'm not sure what you've heard about me, but I usually like to be bought a drink first. You're not who I thought you were. Vonda Volkom, mother of the bride. Connor Mead, brother of the groom. Please, sit, Vonda Volkom. (LAUGHS) Thank you. Yes, ma'am. Champagne for the lady. Lovely. How long have you been divorced? I beg your pardon? Please! I mean, you're ravishing. No married woman your age keeps her form this fine. (LAUGHS) I've been divorced eight years now. Sarge and I aren't talking just yet. It's juvenile and sad. Honey, stop right there. It's not your fault. Marriage is a corrupt and hateful institution. I covered all of this earlier at another table. I wanna ask you something. When did casual sex become a crime? Really. I mean, nowadays being single means, you've lost your way? Something is missing? Never mind that every night I swim in a lake of sex, and they fall asleep in each others' arms, spooning. Connor, spooning is nice. Yeah, but not as nice as forking. Am I right? It's true! Hey, you know what the owner of this place once told me? He said, "Keep it light, Dutch. Keep it light." I never understood why he called me Dutch, but his wisdom still holds. That's nice. I like that. Mm. Listen, darling, before we take this to the next level, are we off-limits? Technically, we're not family until tomorrow. I am extremely flattered. But, yes, we are definitely off-limits. That's a shame. I bet you know your way around a bedroom. You always talk to women like this? Yes. Does it work? Yes. (LAUGHS) Well, while I can't be of service to you, I am sure that she can. Blonde, six o'clock? Blue dress, legs up to her chin? That's her. She's been eyeing you the whole time we've been talking. It's been a real pleasure talking to you. Likewise. You are truly an inspiration. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 5 (LOUD MUSIC) Hi. I'm going to steal her away. See you! I have to give you your maid-of-honour gift. Really? Remember that guy I told you about? I do not want to be set up again! I've been through it too many times. Don't make me. That's Brad. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) OK, but this is the last time. How are my teeth? Clear. Perfect. Just try to play it cool. Just no big deal. Brad! This is Jenny. Right. The hot, single doctor. Hi. Paul and Sandra have been talking about you. I know what car you drive, where you went to school, what dogs you have! That is right. You're both animal people. What are the odds? So glad this isn't awkward. Right. Oh, I forgot to tell you! Brad loves to run triathlons too. I know, right? Do you want to go anywhere else? Yeah, I thought you'd never ask. Bye. You guys have a good time, you crazy kids. Hey, Connor. Hey. How ya been? Well, I'm at a wedding, I'm seeing ghosts in the john, I've been better. Well, what were you and Sandra's mom talking about so intensely? Casual sex. (CHOKES / COUGHS) So, what's your stance on casual sex, bridesmaid? On top. I mean... I'm for it. Well, speaking of which, I think I owe you an apology. I've enjoyed the company of all the other bridesmaids except you. You must feel terribly left out. I do. Well, I do hope that there's some way to rectify this injustice. Well, you know what I always say is, "To think globally, act locally." (CHUCKLES) Listen, before I, er, commence the launch code... Are you the one my brother slept with? Cos I don't like to cross swords. Wait, what? Your brother slept with one of the bridesmaids? OK, I guess it wasn't you. OK, from now on, I don't cross swords. Forget I even brought it up. Why don't you scamper up to my room, boil some water, get the chicken claw out of my suitcase, do some light stretching, and I will be up in five? Chicken claw. OK. (Chicken claw.) Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper. Five minutes. And that's how it's done, son. That is how it's done. Does it work on guys? Probably. Excuse me, friend, mind if we take these seats? Please. Oh, hello there, friend. Hey. Connor Mead, brother of the groom. This is Brad. Frye. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. You must be the wedding sex they flew in for Jenny. And, er, you must be the wedding sex they brought in for everyone else. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He's getting his little jealous blush. He's gotten that ever since he was a kid. It's adorable. Honey, if I was jealous, why am I, at this very moment, heading upstairs to close out my hat trick of bridesmaids? You're terrified of being alone with your hollow soul for even a minute? Ooh! You got a live one here, Brad! Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go. No, Brad, you're staying. I'll go. Run along, Connor. There's a bridesmaid waiting to be partially satisfied. Absolutely. Brad, it's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy pillow fights, talking about feelings and sharing massages with your clothes on. Jenny. Connor. Brad...! Guy probably irons his jeans. (MOANING) Well, that's more like it. (MOANING) How is my little six-foot, legs-to-her-chin, blond-haired, blue-eyed Happy Meal of a bridesmaid? Hi, Connor! Whoa! Have you missed me? Who are you? What, you don't...? You don't remember? (HUMS "NOTHING BUT A GOOD TIME" BY POISON) Allison Vandermeersh? Connor... Mead... ..remembers me! I can die now. I'm just kidding. What are you doing here? I'm like a ghost now. Yeah! The ghost of girlfriends past, in fact! (GASPS) Oh, it tickles a little bit. (SCREAMS) Connor? Really? You're gonna outrun a ghost? Aaagh! We could do this all day, dude. Alright, you're not real. No, you can't be. You're... You're just a repressed memory, activated by all the booze and the trauma of Paulie getting married. But you... You are not real. Alright. Well, have a nice trip. Whoa. See you next fall! Is that real enough for you, dude? Whoa, watch it. Be cool. Alright, what are you gonna do to me? It's going to be rad, OK? I am gonna take you back through all your past girlfriends, then we can figure out how you got your head so far up your ass. Ready, Freddie? Aaaaaagh.... (LAUGHS) Ta-da! What the hell's going on? We're still at your Uncle Wayne's, only now we're in 1982, which is, of course, the summer of your first relationship. (GIRL) Connor! (CHILDREN LAUGH) Oh! Look at how cute you were. I want to squeeze you. Yes! Oh! And we know who she was, of course. Jenny Perotti. I win! 1:26 for you, 1:20 for me. I beat you by six. No way. It's your birthday. I let you win as your gift. Uh-huh. Then, what's that? Can they see us? No! We're ghosts! Ugh! Get out! Do you like it? Yeah, it's great. You're the best, Jenny. Really? What else do you think of me? Oh. I-I don't know. You see how young they start? Shhh. Watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Line it up, buddy. Get in there. This doesn't even look like you. You look like a girl. What, Connor? This is my favourite part! I'm gonna keep it forever. "I'm going to keep it forever"! I don't think I said that. Did you edit this? I'm gonna keep it forever. You sure that wasn't my brother? He always said fruity stuff like that. I'm gonna keep it forever. Forever. Forever. OK, I get it. I said it. I'm gonna keep it forever. Not as dumb as he looks, folks. Go! Wait. This doesn't count! I wasn't ready, cheater! Mom and Dad. This was the summer before their car accident. Look how happy they were. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny were all you had left. She knew you before you became... you. Alright. (SIGHS) Alright, what's next? 5 # "Safety Dance" - Men Without Hats Middle school? Really? # S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A # F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E... You remember this, right? Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out. (DJ) Whoo! Surely we don't have time for this. As you got older, you tried to make the transition from best friends to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend. This dance is so lame. Totally! There's something creepy about the white-glove thing! Oh, yeah! Nice move. Who's zoomin' who, Franklin Middle School? I'm going to slow it down right now, so, guys, grab that special girl and head on out to the dance floor. # "Keep On Loving You" - REO Speedwagon Ask her to dance, man. She's begging for it! Ask her! So - Jenny! Oh, my God, Jenny! Neil told Suzy that Pete Hastings wants to slow dance with you! Pete Hastings is totally gorge! Pete Hastings is now bald and doing Civil War re-enactments at weekends. Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out! And he's a ninth grader, so that means tongue. I can't believe how lucky you are! Pete Hastings! (BOTH SQUEAL) OK, I guess. Yes! # And I'm gonna keep on loving you... That dude used to get boners in the gym shower. Don't sweat it. But at least he didn't choke. Hey, I didn't choke, alright? I could've closed if I wanted to. (MIMICS CHOKING) I was being a gentleman! (COUGHS DRAMATICALLY) I can't breathe! You didn't wanna hit that anyway, little man. (JAZZY INCIDENTAL MUSIC) Hey, kid. What's with the waterworks? (SIGHS) Jenny. Pregnant? No! Crabs? No. Took her to the coat room, found out she had a tenpin up her dress? Don't worry. Happens to all of us! Wait, what? Nothing, nothing, nothing. So, what happened? Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight. Her first kiss! I don't know even know if we're gonna get married any more! Kid, you dodged a bullet. You don't want to be anybody's first kiss, or their last. Say what you will, that man was a visionary. You know he invented the word MILF? What am I gonna do? I've never felt this way before. I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. God, I hate girls! (TYRES SQUEAL) That's sissy talk! Never talk like that in the stabbin' wagon! Uncle Wayne, where are your seat belts? Again with the sissy talk! He never wore seat belts. Never. Look, kid, I'm, er, sorry I raised my voice at you. Being a parent isn't exactly my chosen profession, you know? I mean, I can't teach you algebra, or camping, or even ethics. But when it comes to dames,... ..I've got a gift. Really? Because I will do anything you say. I never wanna feel like this again. Ever. OK, Dutch. Never again. Hang on! # "Get Down Tonight" - KC and the Sunshine Band Are we in a bar? Think of it like a classroom. # Do a little dance # Make a little love # Get down tonight # Whoo! # Get down tonight # Do a little dance # Make a little love # Get down tonight # Get down tonight Hiya, Tommy. Two Jacks, up please. Dutch, try that old saddle out for size. Rule number one - don't look at 'em. Dames, they're like horses. They spook easy. Cheers, Dutch. (LAUGHS) Rule number two - never soil your wingman. Sorry. You know, if we were actually out chasing tail tonight, I'd turn your gaffe into a funny. Girls, they love to laugh. Especially at men. Makes them feel more powerful, which makes them feel more comfortable. Which in turn makes them prone to massive errors in judgment, like having sex with a stranger in the Port Authority bathroom. But I'm not even supposed to talk to strangers. That's good. No talking is good. No phone numbers, no last names. No first names if you can swing it! Will somebody call Child Protective Services?! Ssh. The prophet speaks. See, kid, an ugly broad, you might as well take her out and put one behind the ear. But any dude with a Johnson, he's got a shot because cool comes from the inside. God, I miss that man. So here's a couple of tips... When you first meet a girl, you give her two compliments, above the neck. You tell her she's got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair, she's intelligent, whatever crap comes to mind. Then, just when she begins to think that you're another vanilla-nice guy she can tool around with without getting naked, you insult her. Flip the power dynamic, and you let her know you're here to play. Jenny said she doesn't like games. Forget about that broad! I thought this was to get her back. Forget about her! It's your feelings for her that are killing your game. If there's one thing that you learn tonight, it's this... The power of a relationship lies with whoever cares less. (BANGS HEAD ON TABLE) Amen to that, brother. One day you'll wake up with some chick, spooning, thinking about love and at that moment, you have gotta get up. Do not walk, don't get your shoes, run the hell outta there. Because maybe not the next day, but sometime in the future, you're going to get crushed. Again. You don't wanna feel that way, do you? No. No. Yep. OK, so, er, let's get down to brass tacks here. Say I wanted to pick up on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock... Eight o'clock? How did you even see her? We'll deal with reflective surfaces at another time. Should I, er, get a handful of daisies and go, "Hi, wanna go to the disco with me?"? Er... No? No. No, because I might as well say, "I'm a fag. Let's be friends." So, what would be a smart play? Have some fun with it. What do you think? I don't know. I mean, you could maybe... talk to the girl next to her? You know, maybe make her feel jealous? Hand to God, kid, I never felt like you were my son until now. Man, I don't know why we didn't have this conversation years ago, huh?! Well, that's enough for one night. Let's hit the bricks. What about the blond? No, no, no. You gotta throw the small ones back. Come on. It just wouldn't be right. Please? (SIGHS) This elevator's going down. Here we go! Watch this move. Watch this move. # "Ladies Night" - Kool and the Gang I gotta say, I remember the ladies being a bit more glamorous. (BOTH LAUGH) And that, Dutch, is how it's done. That's how it's done. But you just struck out. You know, just because she's not into that, doesn't mean I'm not. (I've got a gift.) Oh, well, hello, darling. What took you so long? Hi. And you were never the same. Come on. Whoo! (ROCK MUSIC) Vicky's basement. Yeah, I'd recognise that smell from anywhere. Oh, I know, it smells good. Ooh, there's Jenny! You didn't see her for two years while at the hand of the master. (GIRLS CHATTER) (BOY) Hey, Connor's here. "(GUITAR SOLO)" I, er, got the new Poison. It's Connor Mead. I heard his uncle homeschooled him in Vegas for the last two years. Really? I heard it was Bangkok. (BOY) OK, it has been too long! (CHANGES TAPE) # "Nothing But A Good Time" - Poison (CHEERING) Nice move, buddy. The worst part about your uncle's advice was it actually worked. Thank God, Uncle Wayne. He so doesn't wanna talk to you! He looks like Duran Duran, both of them. Look, it's me! Oh, my God, it's me, it's me! (SQUEALS) Oh, my God. We dated for the next... 39 minutes, and it was the best two-thirds of an hour in my young life. Look at how happy we were. But, alas, our love was not meant to be. You didn't get the girl that you really loved, but you did get every other girl in high school, starting with me that very night. You remember that, your first time? No, no, no. I don't wanna see that. Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very... It's over. Connor Mead's first sex partner. It's like, I feel... I feel like Neil Armstrong. It's the only thing I could equate, you know, to what I did for you. Y'know, him on the moon, me with you, it's like he was the first. You know, like, Jenny was your first love, but you had to grow 12 inches of hair before you saw her again. Now, to my way of thinking, every woman is beautiful in some way. I just have to figure out how. I've gotta see it, frame it, focus it... And then I shoot it. And it's immortalized. Jenny, you want another Zima? Oh, no, I'm good, thanks. Jenny Perotti. Connor Mead! Hey. Hey, it's me. You look gorgeous, darling. Oh. Thank you, "darling"! Ladies, you're gonna have to excuse me for a moment. I must buy a drink for the girl who blew me off. I didn't blow you off, you choked. I was slow playing you. You choked! Excuse us. Slow playing me? For what, 10 years? Please. Alright, maybe I choked. So... Jenny Perotti. Yeah. What're you doing with all the women? I work for Herb Ritts. Y'know, the famous photographer? You're a photographer? I am. I gave you your first camera. You sure did. So, what are you doing? I'm a doctor. Well, first-year resident, but... But Herb Ritts. God, that's impressive. I'm his second shooter. That's great. I bank north of 150K a year. It's totally killer, I love my job. Hector. Yeah? Dos dirty Martinis por favor. I can't believe you just said that! > I can't believe I just said that. You told me your salary and spoke Spanish to the old white guy. You're totally cheesy now. Get out. I am not. You gonna try to get me in the sack now? Damn right I'm gonna try. Look at you, you are gorgeous. You think I invited you over to have a drink just to see how you been? How have you been? Great. Pete Hastings and I are still together, madly in love. Damn it! We live in a split-level in Jersey. It's love. That sonofabitch. Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue. Every now and then, I put on the red dress and let him... Pink. ..cup my bottom. The hot-pink dress. What? The dress you were wearing when you were dancing with Pete instead of me. Hey, Jen? We're leaving. But we can wait... Erm... Nope. I'm going, thanks. Whoa, just like that? Well, it was great seeing you. Jenny. Take care. Hang on a second! Come on. You gotta at least give me your number. No, I don't. Yes, you do, doc. I have a medical condition and by law you have to help me. What's your medical condition? Broken heart. Come on. Come on, we'll go out. We'll have fun. We'll have a little dinner, have a little sex. OK, OK, just sex. How about just dinner? (GROANS) Fine. Suit yourself. He's all yours, girls. Alright, dinner's good. Dinner's good. Yeah. I love dinner. I'm pretty hungry right now. What do you say? Alright. Well, on one condition. We got to button you up. You look like a gay pirate. 5 (BOTH LAUGH) Am I going to have to call a cab for you? No, no, I live here. Oh, nice building. Oh, yeah. Thanks. You could upgrade if you banked north of 150K a year. And fifty thousand dollars! ..like I do! (LAUGHS) Wow, that self-deprecating shtick really works. I might have to put that back in my playbook. I'm genuinely concerned that you might be missing the entire point. Good night. Well, hang on a second. Let me help you carry your... luggage up. No. We just met today, sort of. What are you talking about? (LAUGHS) No. Hey. We've known each other our whole lives. It's been too great a night to end it out here. You've gotten really good at this. But you cannot come up. I don't want this to be a one-night thing. So you've... gotta woo me. Why woo when we can just do? (LAUGHS) Huh? The wooing is actually not for my benefit. I can't believe she called me on my crap like that. That is not at all how I remember it. So, what's next? Well, now we're gonna watch a romantic montage of you and Jenny set to Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. # Lying in my bed # I hear the clock tick and think of you # Caught up in circles # Confusion is nothing new # Flashback, warm nights # Almost left behind... Wake me when there's an action sequence, will you? Shhh! # If you're lost, you can look and you will find me # Time after time... Hello, ladies, how are you? # If you fall, I will catch you I'll be waiting... Great. Thank you so much. Everything was great. Do you have a dessert menu? # If you're lost, you can look and you will find me # Time after time # If you fall, I will catch I will be waiting... # And then, after several weeks of wooing... # Time after time # Time after time Ah, here we go. Whoo! # Time after time... # Oh, yeah. That was amazing. I can't imagine why. We only had 20 years of foreplay. (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. What are you doing? Er, I gotta get home. I got something in the morning to take care of. Yeah, me too. The alarm is already set. Look, Jenny, I don't, er, stay over, you know what I mean? Wait, Connor, listen. There are two types of women in this world. Women you shag and leave, and women you shag and snuggle. Regrettably, I'm the shag-and-snuggle kind. So you have three seconds to get back in this bed where you belong, and where, deep down, you actually want to be, or you can march out of my apartment and never call me again. One, two... Three. Not as dumb as he looks, folks. (LAUGHS) This is the moment you truly fell in love with Jenny. You completely let her in. And this is the moment that you realised you were spooning. So you did what you do best. (MOANS SLEEPILY) I don't wanna see this. Of course not. (PHONE RINGS) I called? Good. I don't remember calling. Hello? Oh. No, this is Dr Perotti. OK. Yup. I'll be there in 15. OK, good. And that was the last stop before you officially became Connor Mead. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. # "Love Theme" by Barry White & The Love Unlimited Orchestra After Jenny, your relationships grew shorter and shorter. So short, in fact, that it's easier to do this in bulk. You remember Amy, the stewardess? Hey, Connor. We had plane sex over Albany. And Rochester. And South Bend, Indiana. Triple whammy. (BOTH) You slept with my sister. I was Shawna back then. A waitress at the Palm. We had coatroom sex on my smoke break. That was you? (SPEAKS CHINESE) We dated for two days. For an hour. For 48 seconds. We had sex in your car. On your car. While I washed your car. You never called me again. Never called again. Every time you slept with me, you called me Jenny. Right. How much more of this do I have? Um, a lot. Oh, wow. OK, this is getting kind of weird. We miss you, Connor. Connor, stay with us. Whoa, whoa, whoa! (ALL TALK AT ONCE) I need you, Connor. Hey, back off. Get off! I'm obsessed with you, Connor. No! I love you, Connor! Get... Ow! Nightmare. (PANTS) Alcohol. It's not complicated. Our guests are represented by the Allies. Paul, you and your guests are Nazis. I'll try not to read into that, sir. Blue frogmen are non-requisite support personnel. Waiters, photographers, caterers, band members and so forth. Oh, Donna, look. You got a grenade launcher. Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers. Thank you. Daddy, you're not showing off your seating chart again, are you? Honey! It's perfect. It's really impeccable. I didn't even get a machine gun. Alcohol... Alcohol... Alcohol. (MUMBLES) (SCREECHES) Oh. Oh. Uh... Not good. OK, not good. Not good. Where's the leg? OK... Something to hold you up. Bottle. OK, that'll work. OK, Sarge, and Sandy. Yeah, there you go. And Paul and Mrs Volkom. Try to keep up, son. Then the rest of the wedding party joins in. Hey! (LAUGHS) Watch out for the flowers. Would you like to dance? Thank you, but I'm just watching - Jenny, dance. Come on. Oh, nice frame. # "L-O-V-E" - Nat King Cole See? Where'd you learn to dance? I spent some time in Colombia. Are you a drug mule? Doctors Without Borders. I know, he's perfect! (Shut up!) (LAUGHING) (GRUNTS) (SHRIEKS) (PANTS) (BOTH LAUGH) What else are you ridiculously good at? He's certified in shiatsu massage. Is it weird that I know that? Yeah. A little! # V is very, very extraordinary # E is even more than # Anyone that you adore and # Love is all that I can give # To you # Two in love can make it # Take my heart and please don't break it # Love... (CRASH / CONNOR SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) What's going...? Oh, God. Oh, my God, the cake. Did you see what happened? Oh, my God. OK, look, these things are not very well-engineered, alright? T-They're very rickety. Here we go. NOOOO! I can totally fix this. If it's any consolation, the cake really wasn't very good. (SHUDDERS) You... had a piece? Look, i-it splattered into my mouth upon impact, alright? It was unavoidable. It is a wedding cake, you stupid bitch. Not a rehearsal-dinner cake! I hate you! No, no, no, Sandy, Sandy! Release. Release. He's not worth it, sweetheart. I'm fine. I'm fine. I am a lady. I am a professional. And I'm fine. Let's get out of here. See if you can stabilize the bride. I've got the cake and childcare. Brad, some shiatsu for Sandra. Let's see some happy faces! Big happy, big happy. Where do you think you're going? 5 Breathe. Let me know if the pressure's OK. She's freaking out! I know. Connor is ruining the wedding. He is also ruining Operation Sex for every bridesmaid. I almost hooked up with Connor. What? The door to his room was locked and I could hear him talking to himself. Dude, that guy takes mind games to the next level. Old school! So who's next? (BOTH) I'm up. Oh, wait. Are you the one that slept with Paul? No! Cos he won't go there. Eww. What? That would be me. Shut up. Shut your face. No! No. You never told us that. I'm paying the price. Looks like I'll have to get plastered and downgrade to one of Paul's desperate work friends. I can transmit, page, pilot and sync channels now - Hey, guys. Holster them. "(PHONE PLAYS TUNE)" Why? Women. (GROANS) Say it isn't so. They're so weird. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, somebody is enjoying this a little bit. Are you kidding me? Connor Mead cleaning up his own mess? I am loving it. You know what? I'm sorry. It's a cake. There'll be a bakery open in town. I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about us. You know? How it played out. You're actually apologizing, aren't you? OK, we don't need to make a production out of it! How are things looking? Spick-and-span? Any more spots? You know, it was probably, in some small way, partially my fault. I was always attracted to assholes. Thank you very much. You know what I mean. Projects. Guys that I thought I could fix. Probably has something to do with my dad. Probably. After you left, I made a vow to date only fully functional, well-adjusted men. No more works-in-progress. No dirt bags. So basically... women. Basically women! So, how strong of a vow is your no-dirt bags policy? I had it tattooed on my ass. Can I see? No! Wait, what are you doing? What? What am I doing? What...? I know I dropped the ball before a bit, but I have changed, I swear. No, you haven't. No, I have. Jenny, I'm seeing things in a whole different way tonight. I love you. I think. I always have. You're the one I was supposed to be with. Wait, Connor, stop it. I hear what you're saying, and I think right now you actually believe it. Yeah. But I know you. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up. You won't be there. OK, but, Jenny, I really, really don't want to be alone tonight. You know? Oh. OK. No, I get it. Will you please stay with me? Seriously! Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom! (WOMAN) Hello, Connor. Agh! (SIGHS) Dude! What does a girl have to do to get laid at this wedding? (PUNCHES IN PHONE NUMBER) Yeah. Four Seasons, please. Come on, start. (ENGINE WHINES) Where do you think you're going? (SHRIEKS / PANTS) Oh, Mel! God, you don't know how happy I am to see you. (SHRIEKS) Really, did you learn nothing from the last ghost? You're the ghost of girlfriends present? Mm-hm. That makes no sense. Tell me about it! But as sad as it is, I'm the only consistent woman in your life. So here I am, just working on the weekend. Again. But we never... I mean, you... You're totally gay, right? What? You're not? No. There was just one time in college. I went to Barnard. I had no choice. Hey, I'm sorry, Mel. If I'd known, I would've hit on you a lot sooner. Aww! (HORN BEEPS) Oww! What was that for? Because tonight, I'm the boss. You ready? What are you doing? Aren't we gonna, like, fly off or something? It's the present, you idiot. We're here already. Mel! (LAUGHING / CHATTING) ..he's a beautiful piece of a man! Hey, look at how much fun they're having now that you're gone. (PAUL) He's not shallow. Shallow? He spends every Christmas alone at the Knicks game. He is all surface! Yeah, but in his defence, it's a really hot surface. (ALL LAUGH) OK, he's not that bad. Thank you, Paulie. Paul, he hit on your mother in law! I've banged worse. (ALL) Oh! Thank you, Vonda. You guys just don't know him like I do. You don't. That guy practically raised me. I was two when our parents died. Connor was just seven. At an age when he's supposed to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one. He taught me how to read. He taught me how to ride a bike. He beat the crap outta any kid whoever teased me. You know, he always said, "Paulie, it's you and me against the world." My point is, I had the opportunity to be a nice kid and Connor didn't. Now, I know he seems like a joke to you guys, and trust me, you have fair points, but he's the only family I've got. If there's one thing family does, it is believe, against all odds, in the best of each other. I love him. And as long as I live, I'll believe he can change, cos he's... He's my big brother. I'm gonna call my brother. It's been a while. That doesn't mean anything to you. Because love doesn't exist, right? It's just, "magical comfort food for the weak and uneducated"? Wow, that is as close as I will ever come to feeling something for Connor Mead. Kudos. I saw you chatting him up at the bar. I still wanna do him, but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure! Ooh, like when Denise hooked up with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza. I was drunk, and he had such delicate hands! You think that's bad? Look at what Connor is doing to poor Jenny. He has got that girl so twisted up into a pretzel she can't even appreciate that fine slice of wedding beefcake that Sandy has flown in for her. HUA! Heard, understood, acknow... Jenny, she's just... Jenny! Oh, Jesus. Is she OK? What do you think? Jenny? Oh, of course. Sensitive Brad to the rescue. Now, wait a second, are you actually trying to repair this wedding cake? Maybe. (LAUGHS) A little! I used to moonlight as a pastry chef. Tell me this guy's gay. He's not. Trust me. Really? No. Not really. (LAUGHS) You wanna talk about it? As your designated wedding sex, everything is privileged. No, I... It's been like a decade since Connor and I... You know. But I see him again and I'm back to where I was before. My attending in med school used to say doctors never break up, we just go into remission, drawn to the most hopeless patients. The irredeemably screwed up. The terminal cases. We get the point, Brad! It's just embarrassing, you know? I think you only get over somebody when you find somebody else that you care about more. Alright, this is a nightmare. I'm bringing them together! This is a mess. (MEL) He's really cute too. No, no, no. No way. Jenny doesn't go for guys like this. No, clearly not. Come on, let's go. No, no, no. Now hang on. Let's see how this plays out. OK. You're the boss. Really? Mm-hm. Oww! He's a... (SWEARS IN ROMANIAN) What was that for? I just can't believe he broke up with us on a conference call. How did he fool all of us? The weirdest thing is, it seems like he wanted us to fall in love with him. And once we did, or thought we did, he just disappeared. (SIMPLY RED PLAYS ON STEREO) How messed up is that? Come on, Kiki. Don't cry. At least Connor brought us together. Hey, there we go, Charlece. That's the winning attitude. Way to look on the bright side. You've already got new relationships, new friendships, right? Here we go. It's so exciting to have people over! Martini? Oh, this is your apartment? Liquor good. Mel! I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori. I know it sounds gross, but drink two and you won't be able to feel your face. Cheers. You brought them together? Come on... Don't be sad, you whiny bitches. Connor's not worth it. He's like the Tin Man. He was born without a heart. And, ladies, know this... That wherever Connor lays his head tonight, when the sun comes up in the morning he will be all alone. Well, I'll drink to that! I feel much better! PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 6 '(ALL LAUGH)' (SIGHS) (MAN) Ahem. So how you holding up, Dutch? Not too great. Yeah. Why do all these women hate me? You know, I-I don't hate them. Woman love to be screwed, they just don't like to be screwed over. I know, it's annoying. Yeah. I mean, look,... maybe I've hurt a few women in my time. A few women? Dutch, please... Don't con a con man. (RAIN FALLS) Oh, is this weather tricks? No tricks, Dutch. These are all the lady tears that have been shed for you in your life. And these... These are the tissues they used to dry those tears. And these are the chocolates you sent. (LAUGHS) Right. You don't send chocolates. They go straight to the hips. Right. And these are all the condoms you used. No. No! No! No! No, no, no, no! Aaaaghhhh... (THUDDING) Er... Er... '(ANGRY SHOUTING)' Get off! Get off! Don't! You're out of control! Shut up! Man, oh, man! You guys are not going to believe what just happened to me in my car. Is this about the cake? No. This is about the fact that Paul slept with Donna. As you so kindly shared with Denise earlier tonight. Come on. Alright, number one, that was years ago. There seems to be some debate about the time line. No, there is no debate. We were going out. We were together. You cheated. We had just met! But that's not important. What's important is that I hurt you. Listen, baby - Don't "listen, baby" me. You had sex with her and then you didn't even tell me. What else don't I know about you? Nothing! There is nothing else. I am so, so sorry! Sweetie, I never meant to hurt you. Cool. Right there. Hey, he said it. He's sorry. He means it. Case closed. Case closed? Because one apology makes everything better, right, Connor? No, Jenny. What makes it OK is that Paul still clearly loves her. Oh, you're the expert on love! If I can tell that you two love each other, then you must! You know I do, honey. I love you so much. That girl's been acting like a mental patient for 12 hours and he's still here. Shut up! How does she even trust him now? Are you talking about my brother, or are you talking about me? Let's not forget, this all went down with your dear friend Donna, a fact your oestrogen lynch mob seems to have forgotten. If you ruled out marrying anyone that your bridesmaids have slept with you'd have to go abroad to get a husband. Go to hell, Connor! Sandy! Paulie, come on... Connor, I want you to leave. You better air these things out now - Connor, leave! God, you have done nothing but make this weekend worse for everyone. Sandy! Paulie! Hey, come on! Hey, Paulie! Hey, man. Look, I'm sorry. They were right. I never should've invited you. You know, for years I keep trying to convince myself there's something redeemable in you. I'm done. There isn't. I was just trying to get your back in there, OK? It's you and me against the world, right? You don't wanna be here. And nobody wants you here. So just go. Just... Please? Sandy! (DOOR SLAMS) I know I've got one more ghost left on my contract, but I've been asked to leave the premises! So if you want me, come on! Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing my future girlfriends. Frankly, that was the ghost I was most looking forward to! But whatever! Whoa. (WHOOSHING) '(LILTING HARP MUSIC)' Whoa. Are you my future girlfriend? Would you like to be? (DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC) (CHURCH BELLS CHIME) (WEDDING MARCH PLAYS ON ORGAN) Oh, hello, no! I get married?! Oh... OK, this could work. As a matter of fact, this... may be alright. Brad? No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No! If anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be wed... I do. ..let them speak now. You're supposed to be with me. She was always supposed to be with me! No. Don't do this. This is wrong. No. No! I'm here! I'm here! Jenny. I'm here. No. Nooo! (ORGAN PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Paulie... No wedding ring. Wait a minute. He didn't get married? Why? Me? What did I do? You don't say much, do you? '(BEATING HEART / HEAVY BREATHING)' (BELL CHIMES) (BIRDS SQUAWK) Looks like we're, er, all here. Let's begin. Lord, we are gathered here today to lay to rest Connor Mead. Connor Mead was a great man and a great friend of the Church. There's only one person at my funeral? That's the way it works, Dutch. Guys like us, we don't get the big funeral. I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne, but this is ridiculous. I don't know how to soften this one for you, Dutch. Er... Nobody's really gonna miss you. Before the burial, would you like to say a few words about the deceased? Connor Mead... ..was a lot of things to a lot of people. Not all of them good things, but to me he was a great brother. Guess it's just me against the world now. No, it's not, Paulie. No, it's not. It doesn't have to happen like this. It's not going to happen - Nothing you can do about it, Dutch. You made your bed, you gotta bang whatever crawls in it. That's what I keep trying to tell you. What can I say? Life, you know, it's like a quick cup of coffee. You haven't got the guts to love someone, you end up drinking alone. No, Uncle Wayne - Sorry, kid. Party's over. (SCREAMS) Ladies, let's take it away! Whoa. No! No! I can change! I swear! No! No! I can change! I swear! I can CHANGE! (PANTS) I'm alive. I'm alive! You there, young man. What day is it? Is it Christmas? No, it's Saturday, you moron! That's the day of my brother's wedding. Alright, I haven't missed it, thank God. Let's... get ready for nuptials! Hey, hey, Paulie. Hey. Hey. Did I miss the wedding? No. You got your wish. Sandra called it off. What? Why? Why do you think? The thing I let slip about Donna? Yeah. No, no, no. You can't split up. You're meant to spend your lives together. You'll be miserable without her. You can be a real sarcastic prick. I am not being sarcastic, OK? Where's Sandra? Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids to the airport. No. No, no, no! Whoa. (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) Sandra! (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) (YELLS) # Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising Whoa! What are you doing? # Higher and higher It's burning through to my soul Aaaaaaagh... # Your kisses lift me higher # Like the sweet song of a choir Aaagh! No seat belts! # You light my morning sky # With burning love... Whoa! Sandra! # Ooh, ooh, ooh # I feel my temperature rising Hey! Sandra, you're making a huge mistake! # Your kisses lift me higher... Was that Connor? Sandra! (SCREAMS) # I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning love # Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love # Whoa! Whoa! (ALL SCREAM) Whaaa! Is that Connor? You could've killed us back there. Sandra, lock the door! Sandra! Sarge, I need to talk to your daughter. Over my dead body, Paco. Alright? Relax. (GIRLS SCREAM) Oh, my God. I'm sorry, sir. I've come too far. Sandra. Did he just lock us...? Don't you touch me! Listen to me. OK, first off, I am sorry about destroying your wedding cake, going to second base with your mom, knocking your dad unconscious, and basically breaking up your wedding. I'm sorry. That being said, I am begging you, begging you, don't run away. You and Paul have something so rare, alright, so powerful. Don't chicken out now. Chicken out? He cheated. Oh, get over it. It was years ago! With some slutty friend of yours. Yeah, well, that's true. A friend, incidentally, who you're not even mad at. And you know why? Because you don't actually care. You love Paul so much, you forgave him the second you heard. And that's what scares you. You have no idea how I feel. I do. I've been in your shoes. You know what? It scared the hell outta me too. "What if she hurt me?" You know. "What if she left me?" "What if she died?" It would've been the end of me. So I cut it short, before she ever could. And you know what? It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. You're making that same mistake and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit and watch. You gotta risk love, Sandra. Risk it. I didn't. Look at me. I'm an empty, lonely, ghost of a man. It doesn't mean that you're never gonna get hurt. But I can guarantee you this... Any pain that you feel will never, ever compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love. As someone who's felt a lot of both, trust me. Pain... beats regret every day of the week, and twice on Sunday. Don't run away. Don't do it. I can't believe I'm saying this, but, er, I think you might be right. So,... you wanna get married? I do. You do? I do. Yes! Yes! (ALL SQUEAL) Whoo! Yes! 5 Oh! Oh, baby. Flowers, check. Cake, check. Dinner, check. Photographer? I know a pretty good photographer. Shall we begin? Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to witness the union of Sandra Marie Volkom and Paul Mead. It was cold and dark. We'd been taking fire for hours. (SIGHS) We took an incoming mortar hit. I opened up his jacket and his insides fell out and I had his bloody guts in my hand. They were warm and mushy and squishy. I pushed them right back into his body cavity and willed him to live with my tears. And that is what true love is. HUA! (GUESTS) Hua? Er... (CLINKS GLASS) I've heard that story 100 times. Erm... I guess now's as good a time as any for me to make my best man's toast. I've never given one of these before, so, er, bear with me. Someone once told me that... the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less. And he was right. But power isn't happiness. And... ..I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people, rather than less. And nobody proves that better than my kid brother, Paulie. Buddy, you give love to everyone and you require none in return. From this day on, I wanna be more like... you. I want you to be proud of me again. Yeah. And here's to my new sister. You know, Sandra, all I can really say, all that I know for sure,... ..is that Mom and Dad, they would've loved you. I'm glad you're part of our family. Here's to Paul and Sandra, right here. (APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAY "YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE" BY THE SUPREMES) # I need love, love... (LAUGHS) Look here! Look right here! OK. And how old are you? (LAUGHS) Who's in the middle? Look over here! Alright. Go dance, drink eggnog. Hey, sexy cameraman! Hey, ladies. Connor, we're worried about you. Need we remind you, as man-whore in residence, you have certain duties to the single ladies here? That is very tempting, ladies, it is. But, erm,... Hm? ..I'm out. (ALL) No! Ladies, thank you, but no thank you. Hmm? Hey, hard-to-get only works if you eventually give in! One more time. Hey! Good night. (BAND HEARD FROM INSIDE) Hey. Congratulations. You did it. You pulled off a great wedding. We pulled off a great wedding. Of course, if I hadn't broken it, it wouldn't have needed fixing. True, true, true. (BOTH LAUGH) OK, I have to know. Mm. What happened to you last night? Because yesterday, you were just your usual handsome, awful self. But then today, you became the guy I used to know. The one I always thought, deep down, you actually were. I honestly don't know what the hell happened to me last night. I don't. But I do know that I'm seeing things more clearly today than any time that I can remember. Like the way I feel about you. That's something that has never changed. I wish I could believe you. We've just been through this before, so... how do I know it's not just another line from the Mead-family playbook? Hmm... You remember her? (GASPS) You kept it. Yeah. I've had that on me since the day I took it. I... I can't believe it. Give me one more chance. I'll do better. Whatever it takes. The wooing, the spooning, I am all in. Even massages with our clothes on? No. No, that's where I draw the line. Well? No massages with clothes on! Not a chance! I promise you this... When you wake up in the morning,... ..I'll be there. Every time. # "Keep On Loving You" - REO Speedwagon # You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby... What? What is it? (LAUGHS) Nothing. I just recognize this song. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. Huh! May I have this dance? Finally. Pete Hastings, eat your heart out. (LAUGHS) That's how it's done, Dutch. That's how it's done. Well, work's over. What do you say, doll? Let's get naked. Mm. Dry. I love it. You know, I'm interviewing for a new secretary. Mm. How good is your dictation? You get it? "Dick-tation"? Please, I'm actually at this party. # When I said that I loved you # I meant that I loved you # forever # And I'm gonna keep on... (BOTH) Hi. # loving you (SLURPING) # Cos it's the only thing I wanna do... Looks like it's just you and me, sweetie! Oh, I love those scrunchies! Eww! I'm, like, 16. We're ghosts, baby. We're ageless! OK, Connor Mead's out. Who's next? Paul's desperate work friends? Ugh! And I'm back to you! I think I'm loosening up. Let's do this thing. Yeah, alright. I get the little one. You can have him! (ALL SQUEAL) I said, I get the little one! (BOYS) Hey. (GIRLS) Hey! You're so cute. You look just like my sister. Mind if I cut in? # I just wanna keep on loving you # Baby, I'm gonna keep on loving you... You know what makes me happy? # Cos it's the only thing I wanna do... # You did a wonderful job with her, Von. So did you, Mervis. You repeat that name to anyone, you're a dead man. (ALL CHEER) Whoo! Sandy! (ALL SQUEAL) (GASPS) Kako. Watashi no kachi! Yes!